pls stop reading this blog actually. all my posts for these few months have been about you and emo me. its quite sickening to some extent. i also hate it that my twitter is so bloody negative, but i dont have much options. and for my instagram, last time it was really all smiles and happy memories, but for this long while, i can't seem to positively post something from my current life. there's really not much joy i can extract from all the stuff that i do when it's without you, unfortunately.
these few weeks of sch hols hasn't been the most ideal. i finally have time to meet friends, but i just dont feel like meeting anyone. i just want to stay at home and acc mother poon and the kids or go out with them.
every single day, i can't stop thinking of you. mostly of the happy times and things i've always wanted to do with you but will never have the chance to do anymore. also, of your words that cut my heart up into pieces continued to do so like as if there's infinite pieces to breakdown into. till today, i can't believe or rather, accept the fact that what we've had was a facade and that u've never been happy at all. it really hurts to know that whatever i've been doing with ur well-being as my priority (sometimes over mother poon's) hasn't been enough, mostly misunderstood.
i try to think otherwise. like in that one year that we've decided to be tgr, u've never planned or initiated any dates (other than the dinner-movie date at seletar on my bday). y didn't i notice earlier? so does that make me self-centered for always trying to find time and plan for us to meet? you could have said no if u didnt want to meet. sometimes i just want to be alone but i thought u'd want to meet like how u'd always say u want to. but that's the thing- u always say stuff but dont do it. u never keep ur word. why do u tell me that u love me when u don't? why do i have to fall prey to all those sweet nothings?
i dont like myself in this desperate state. everyday i'm needing you, wanting u but on the contrary, i dont dare think of having a relationship with you again coz out of all the people i've met, u've successfully been the one to have hurt me the deepest, and also, the meanest guy ever. i mean, at least ppl can be honest about stuff, but u're never honest with me and it also seems that u dont like me being my honest raw self, just because you've never liked me.
i guess u've been trying to use me a replacement while i was trying to believe that you are the one that could finally embrace and figure my confounding mind. now that u've found someone else, it's so easy for you to just brush me away since i was really just a... tool / outlet for you. the most hurtful thing is that you dont even want this friendship anymore. in those 2 yrs before we got tgr, while we texted everyday, everything felt right. its only when we decided to meet and then be tgr, our worlds started crumbling down subtly. perhaps u knew, but u didnt know how to put it across to me while i was living in a lie and also shutting u off while u tried to tell me. but really, i think my dressing and how i like to fart at home or where i like to park my bike shouldnt be that of a big issue in all honesty.
ytd i tried to run 15km for the Be More Human Race, a virtual race by 42Race. i was actually doing fine till abt 8km. i reached ecp, and the floodgates of memories just opened. i looked at the blanket of stars and the planes that fly by. i thought of that night we lie on the grass under that same sky. but that night was also during the months when u've already given up on me. i shudder and chilled.
i ran past georges. it was one of the place i'd like to bring u to.. or rather, i wanted to run that route to ecp with u, and have dinner over some beers or wine there. now its no longer possible.
as i ran, i ran past tents. i did think of pitching a tent with u so we can sleep under the stars while therapeutically hearing the waves crashing into the sand. there's this tent that was really beautifully lighted and i really wywh.
it was almost reaching the 2hr mark since i've been out of the house, but i just didn't want to leave ecp. 7km more to go, and i didnt have much motivation or drive to carry on. i walked on.. and soon i was at the underpass, exiting ecp and otw back to bedok. by then, my legs were filled with the lactic acid, while my heart and mind felt so battered and bruise to continue running this alone.
running alone hasn't been so tough before you entered into my life. i wanna take more in the msia north face challenge, but i can't pull through without you.
then i rmbred abt the King of the Trails run series that i signed up for. initially i thought we could do this trail run tgr. i hate running, but i know u love trail running, so i thought we could do this tgr. now that i know i'm gg to be doing this alone, i doubt that i can make it for the 18km and 25km. other that spartan races, i've never purely ran more than 10k. ytd was the first time attempting to run 15km, and clearly, it was unsuccessful. idk how i'm gg to run full on 18km and 25km. so i (broke my promise and) texted you 2 things: 1 was to ask if the watch u used during spartan had the auto pause mode activated; 2 if u wanted to take over the runs i signed up for coz if not like $$ wasted. none of my friends would like to purely run long distances.
well, you did not reply.
not surprising.
but disappointing.
tbh, i really wasn't expecting anything. but there's this hope. i think there's a difference between hope and expectation, but in anyways, the silence from you was again deafening. it amplified my disappointments and my 'sadness in life'.
i really feel pathetic.
for many years, all that i've been trying to build - a better and positive joyful me has been crushed by 1 man. really, i think i deserve better. not a better you, but someone who can understand me, understand my intentions without passing judgement just because he has his ways of his own. i thought you understood me. but i guess the more u tried to know me, the more defensive i get and hence the more walls u'd built. u were tired. but u didn't recognize that. i tried to affirm that, but you'd be just like me- defensive of ur own heart as well.
we're both the same really.
i hope that someday, she'll have more love to show you the greater love from our God. of course i'm trying hard not to be jealous of the fact that she's now got all ur free time especially when she has more free time to give, but i wish the best for her and you. perhaps a less independent girl with less of her own thinking will give u space to enforce ur actions on her, and she'd be more than glad to follow ur ways. i recognize that i have failed in many ways to make you happy, but given the circumstances and all, i can proudly say that i've really tried my best, just that it wasn't enough for u. perhaps it was more than enough. perhaps if i had stepped back and taken less of ur time to spend with u, u'd like it better. perhaps if i was more obvious that i was jealous, needed your attention and wanted ur raw self just like how u are when u're with ur friends, we could have make it.
all these perhaps.
i actually hope for a chance to start again.
but perhaps just as friends and never more than that.
i do hate u for being such a douche,
but i miss and love you more than all of that.
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