MayDay

Hell.o.

its been a tough ride.

been trying learning to reconcile life and what i've learnt in my almost 25 yrs of living

been submerged in my deepest of thoughts

been trying to allow discovery

been quiet, yet loud in the inside.

i just dont get it. i just can't get it.

from young, we've been taught to work hard if we want to succeed. 

currently as i move into quarter life crisis, i'm towards the inclination that it will never be an overall fair equation. however, i guess it should at least be an enough subtle driving force towards survival adaptation right.

last week, there was a period of time i was just going through the motion of life w/o a drive or purpose of anything. it was quite bad coz i just didn't want to do anything while life was totally at a blank. all i wanted to do was to go home, hide myself in my room and play phone games. i didn't even want to bother much about the social media nor whats happening around me.

i had simply given up on life / living.

u should have seen how i responded to anything. 

honestly, i'm not too sure if this is really part of the growing up process where ppl around all tell me "its the same everywhere". more and on, i do see myself changing into someone i cant trust; and i really dont like it.

all i could hope for is time to do it wonders.

i felt that i've got no more energy left to do anything right 

today i went Popular and while waiting for a friend, i went to browse through some books. saw the o level papers. haha. memories i tell you. i look at those questions and i still rmbr those desperate moments raising against time. we studied so hard in that 4 yrs just for that 9 papers. and for me, i guess when my dad left me towards the end of sec 2, it did affect my grades and everything.

if i could re-live my life, i would want to do my o's again. hahas. 

anyway.. this is the English paper. i think i chose Qn3. haha. looking back, i guess i didn't do well coz i  did write some stuff to 'promote' singlish; that our language is what that made us unique. haha. true what. can't rmbr anything else other than talking about the excellent sg dishes like 'char kway teow' which i think the ang mohs wouldn't appreciate nor understand. - how to score like that. hahas. i guess my love for the country didn't do me good for that moment, wahhahas.

looking at the 5 questions again at this very point of time in life is really damn apt. i did briefing browse through others year's paper, and i must say that this, my very year is the package that very much applies to me right now.

qn 1- been talking about these recently. like what's the point of having an education if it doesn't prepare people for the workforce. yea, going through the motion of studying is probably the ultimate learning point rather than the subject itself; as studying teaches people to learn from information, process it to be useful answers. but i guess, looking at how people 'work' and respond to situations, i do wonder if the education systems work for the general public. i guess that's why also the GEP programmes started to surface in 2000.

qn 2- haha. omg. this is just like a safety report of the recent incident for work can. somemore, just last tues, ec organized a yrly safety campaign. quite a big thing. with my work experience in the aviation industary, i can can probably give u a big long list of things to write.

qn4 - hahas, again how apt. this is exactly the biggest highlight of my life right now. "what factors affect my choice?" politics? bosses? collegues? SOPs? ahhas. wonder what i would have written as a 16 yr old then - model ans like career progression / love job / good money ? hahas.

qn5 - haha, i guess they always save the best for the last. how can we even write a 30m essay about something that we dont even know or dont even have time to explore especially coming from an all girls convent sch. hahas. i think the examination markers would have a good time laughing. i would love to read essays written by the boys from the boys sch though. hahahs.

well, i should dig out all those essays (if i still have them) and see what i've written. it would be good to do a comparison of wth are we thinkg then vs now that we're being exposed to the world that always seek for an equilibrium than never will exist.

anyway, that God for this 1 precious day of public holiday when i was able to meet up some ppl to realign my life in order to survive in this society. as much as i really dont want to bother about all these, but i guess these are the transparent passports that we need in order to survive in this counrty / world. 

at least i'm finally doing smth about it.

life's been too congested with the quiet thoughts. the irony of the situation.

and just like maslow's hierchy, i'm probably on level 1 / 2. where i'm just functioning on this planet to meet my physiological and safety needs. with these 2 levels severely in construction, i dont even have sufficient pockets of air to even attempt to reach up to the 3rd level. its a good thing actually; because i'm just too physchologically preoccupied with so many issues, i dont really have time or energy left for other things, even if they should matter.

in gaps of mental isolation and solitude, i did think of...certain people or even to the slight extent of life/family planning. however, these short burst of  transmitting impulses across synapses gets intercepted by the reminders of my severe humanly flaws. well, i mean no one is prefect. but if i can't accept who i am or come to terms with what i'm unable to do, i get that strong kind of 没资格 (inadequate) feeling.

so yes. every aspect of my life now is undergoing some kind of restructuring, and in the process, i'm seeking out for a drive, motivation to keep me going, and focused. honestly, its like being stuck in bangkok traffic, it gets so cluttered that i dont even know where i'm heading. i don have exactly anyone to talk to coz right now, no one can be trusted. not for the 'bad' / not trustworthy reasons, but its just that, i'm force to accept that every single one will fight for themselves and never for others. family ties aside i guess. hence, advices are not really to help to bring you to a better place, but just for them to elevate themselves while bringing u down / elsewhere.

though i feel that i'm turning into a very, very negative person, i dont want to this whole episode to really alter who i am; from what i value; from my beliefs. responsible. integrity. persevere / determination. these are probably the 3 clearest value that i hold on to tightly. though situations are indeed starting to test these pillars, i hope they are strong enough beacons for me to move on in life.

on a side note, somehow, alot of things that u've said to me before has been residing in my head alot. idk if they were really meant for my good / to prove to be useful as i go about living, but i am affected. 

i'm starting to fear inner strength and perseverance coz they lead to big time disappointments or, misunderstood pride. i no longer believe in my judgements or decisions on things. i seem to have lost a lot self-belief. its not just a low self-esteem kinda thing, but something more... heavy. idk. i also do rmbr the stuff u've said to me about my jobs and friends, and i still can't get over them. idk if its because i still place a significant value to the things u've said to me or, its the because the fact that all these subtle resentments has snowballed into a turbulent avalanche. good or bad, best is to erase them all. because, good or bad, erasing them means increasing capacity and reducing weight/drag, technically tested and proven.

whatever it is, it is 2am now and time to slp. TGIF tmr though i think its a zhor-tang day for an even longer wkend.

meeting up with her for a run this morng was one of the best things that happen to me for the recent weeks.

Just give up.

All ur hopes and dreams dont matter anymore.

I just want a simple life, enough food on the table, enough to spend, thats it.

Nothing really matters anyway.
No point anymore.
There's nothing left worth fighting for.

WhatsAt?

Survived another week at work.

My perspective on life seems to taking on a big change. 

Idk if you call this succumbing to social conformity, but i really dun want. Its the norm to just do enough, speak enough. Nothing more, nothing less. Sufficient to get away from trouble. So is this on the road to improvement i.e business productivity? And the funny thing is while everyone is trying to 'push for results' by not really doing much, the ppl who are trying to really push for it gets the 'blame' for the not-so-promising results. So is this really growing up? Is this all about the working world? Is this really the standpoint for everywhere-is-the-same? 

On the whole, it make me feel like a kid, yet to be grown up. It made me feel likka... spoilt kid. Because i couldnt get things done, i was upset. It was like... getting upset because i couldnt get my colour pencils just to colour my picture... Just that instead of colour pencils, its things like the highlift, the safety nets, the gpu for aircrafts. Haha. And because i was just soooo frustrated, I broke down midway in e late aftnn, again. Tmd. And because some of the engineers and sfm saw my frustrations, they started helping to get the highlift and stuff like that. Haha. They were nice. But it made me feel really bad and stupid on the whole; just because some small girl cried, work got going. But anyway, also wanna say tt msging u was one of the better things that happened. Though i felt that i really needed u at that point in time, i knew that i shouldnt do it. But I think msging u was the only thing that kept me sane. 

Despite struggling so much with the work envt, politics and time pressures, i still stayed on to work till 11.30pm last night to push the project through despite not being able to claim OT. Ya, and i had to miss maundy thurs Service and this morng's good friday service coz i was just so tired. I deserve a medal for that pls. Haha. But despite doing alll that, i still get thoseee emails from the whoevers. Sigh.

Also wanna thank God for my long lost cousin who's not really my cousin also, who's in the states for his trng or some sort. We dont msg often, but his msg was really timely. And then when he shared with me about his little dream, i just felt sooooooo encouraged and again, reminded of what i am fighting for.

Cant wait for him to be back and have a meal tgt. Been too long.

Hahhaa. And speaking of msging.... Omg. Hahaha. I did a very very wrong error. Because one of the meeting was cancelled, i was damn happy and wanted to tell the grp abt it - the whatsapp grp w/o the boss in it. For the whatsapp grp with the boss in it, its not really utilized so its never in the top few screen on my phone... However, because one of my collegues used it on that day, it came up and i convenivently thought it was the grp w/o the boss in it. Until.......... He replied. Haha. Some more with all the party poppers and all siol. #courtingdeath. 不知死活 man. Hahah

My heart really hit rock bottom man. I mean coz recently, i guess we've got some unspoken issues, it didnt help the situation at all. It made it wiorse of course. Sigh.

I really dont like all of this. I'm reallly beginning to believe that one should never give her best because at the end of the day, though its not all abt getting rewarded or appreciated, u're just putting urslef in a situation whr u have worked or contirbuted for nothing. Some things just cant move w/o ur counterparts inputs. So is this the whole idea about social conformity and growing up to adapt to the working world? In that case, must i really grow up?

Haha, and again, God seems to be speaking to me via nat geo / discovery channels. As i was so tired today, i didnt go church / go out in the morng, so i watched tv. And the first documentary i watched was something about social conformity! Its in nat geo wild.. I think its called something like " how human are u". It was interesting coz it related our Human behavior to those of wild animals trying to survive in the brutal world. Its all abt survival, fight or flight and defense mechanisms to adapt and protect. Haha. Then the next show i watch was Brain Games on nat geo... And it started to get abit eerie when today's episode was abt ho ppl react in groups and conforms to thr pressures and displpay signs of groupthink. Haha. And it was also interesting that they mentioned that for ppl who dont confirm to social pressues, they can be considered as risk takers since they explore and do things out of the norm. And, they also mentioned that "we cant blame ourselves (to those who succumb to social pressures)" because there's actually a gene that directly relates to risk-tKing by an individual. Interesting hur. Haha. I rmbr the last time when i was facing some issues abt my fears, all these channels did address that. And today, the tv worked its wonders again. 

Though watching all these... um... "answer sheets" to life doenst really help my situation in a practical way, but it does give a sense that u're perfectly not alone and its all scientifically tested and proven, so i really dun have to fret over so many issues in life.

Yea.

I guess the lesson that i really want to take away is to just..... Learn to accept things the way they are and be patience abt it. Well, it also shouldnt mean that i giving up trying to seek out improvements or maintaining certain quality standards too, though i feel that i'm starting to lean over that side. I guess it should also mean that i shouldnt really give up in my beliefs and what i stand for though it consistently seem that i'm walking straight into the walls ans hurting myself so much in the process. its all about leaning and growing hur..  

Meanwhile, the next question is, where do i go from here?

Maybe I'm not meant to do this anymore. I miss my dad.

systems

oh yea. the lan cable my new allocated work place allows me to access blogger! yay.  hahahhas.
i think it shouldnt' be a good news eh. ahahhas.
parking jia lat coz now must pay $1.30 each time, so its about an addition $30 expenditure a month. and always no lot in the morng! this morng, was quite afraid coz i didn't park in a lot though i parked in a way that it didn't obstruct any veh / in out of the motorbike area. i mean, its the airport, so security and the procedures are quite standard here i guess. i saw a bike kena wheel clamped today though it was in a lot. probably squeezed through the gantry on the last visit or smth. haha. we'll see about that later.

its the 2nd day here. haven't really executed my plans. i think  i'm too dependent on personal drive/ motivation or intention rather than discipline. i'm pretty much distracted in life now.

ytd had trng. i brought boots but i didnt' bring my trng attire. tmd. was quite upset coz i travelled all the way in the rain and did not train. but at the end of the day, it was not too bad coz we also had our pre-planned team dinner since we're into the semis and finals over the next 3 wks.

anyways, ytd at work, idky but i think i was somewhat, still stressed over last wks' shit. idky i'm so affected also. perhaps its also coz of the level of expectation i have for myself and the stringent perfectionist i can be. at this point of time, i'm feeling very much useless and probably worthless. i dont mean to wallow up myself in self-pity like that, but i do question my existence- if it is even a hindrance or not; i mean, perhaps my absence may just be a contribution in itself.

was walking out to lunch with teary eyes and a heavy heart ytd. I didnt know what I was doing and have seem to lost my purpose. And then, I looked up and saw the massive shiny planes. Big and massive, but still heavily dependent on human's care and services. I love planes, I love aviation and I love the industry, I do want to make a positive change, better for all, be it significant or not. So with that sight, I rmbred y I've even started working so hard from the time I flipped open the first educational document relating to all these.



Well, to save myself n my dying passion, I've actually internally targeted to leave by this mid year, which would also mark my 1 yr in the company. honestly, idk where to go though i've got a few favourable/unfavorable options. these 2 wks been pretty mentally trying and i guess its going to get even more challenging as the weeks come by. Idk if I can really just leave the airport and all the people like that.

i really feel like in a forest filled with fog. sometimes, i can't breathe and i dont know where to start heading to. on top of all these emotional turmoils, i'm starting to loose my sense and feel of things. i can't seem to make accurate or even appropriate decisions.
as a matter of fact, i'm starting to be indecisive. and even when i make a decision, it doesn't come w/o the tons of fears and loads of regret though nothing's really final. perhaps its also coz of these all these messed up wires that i feel that i need you to untie them for me. it just feels that theres this mess of tangled wires being stuck in my throat and i can't get it out. i'm intermittently gluping for air, still surviving, but barely breathing. and what's making it even worse is that i'm adding in all these resistors. hmmm... haha. actually though i feel quite sad for myself now, i probably need to focus more on accepting what i deserve. really hope i can adapt real soon. its just been toooo long and i'm feeling pretty much desperate. and as much as i do hope for you to come and just give me a hard scolding me to wake me up, i also wish that u'd stop reading this space for all those... past unagreeable and unreasonable reasons. :(



wonder if guys' mentality can be as messed up at this level. u know, i still want to be a guy, and i've presumably wont have to face so much emotional issues. and, i guess i would be physically taller! all these probs wouldn't even surface.


systems. we build systems which kill us, and then build another system to counter the system.
its a vicious cycle.



------------
i've lost my place of refuge.
where can i run to?

Mayday

Something's wrong with me.
And I dont know what to do.

Divergent

finally an action-pack wkend after the horrible work week.

Saturday was the day.
my usual Touch league games and then off to watch the finals.
great job on the ladies for battling out to defend the title yet again. half time was 0-0 and it was enough to attack back hard to win the game of 19-5.



ok. this i have to admit, for whatever the reasons, i gave up mentally last wk so i personally dont deserve the win. i actually left before the game ended partially coz of the electric run, but more so because i didn't know how to be there. but anyway, just thank God for jelvin and the snr players who have stuck it in for so long with all the sweat, tears and blood. i will use this season to really reflect and decide if i should be running on this path again.



next, Electric run. probably the most expensive 5k i've ever paid for.
ooookk la. i think the nice part of it all was the lights at night that looked like colourful fireflies.
and i liked the tunnel part coz of all the lights and little bubbles.

yea. nice is nice. but to pay this kind of $ for next yr... maybe i'll think about it again.

Today, Palm Sunday, went to church. 

then had the comms meeting.

then finally had our J. Co. date after 2 yrs of wanting to meet up. hahas. 

we had Bangkok Jam for lunch and then watched Divergent, and finally J. CO donuts! 

felt good coz i think this is the rare few times that i hanged out with friends and had a social life of entertainment. 

yep, and lastly.. happy siblings day.

quarreled since the day i was born. and perhaps, its coz of u that i've got my stubborn and never-say-lose attitude. hahas. whatever it is, thanks for pushing me around all these yrs and standing in strong for mother poon that crucial period when dad was gone. 

i dont think that u'll ever read this space until either one of us dies. ahhahas. so yep, lets continue to love each other in our own stubborn ways.  

so yep, want to be brief about documenting my life events. hahas.

now, i wanna talk about Heart vs Mind vs... Fears.

back to my horrible work week, because of the horrible week, it made me realize how far away i was from God and much i needed Him. because i'm like at a point in life where my work / rugby / love life doesn't seem to have a direction, i realized that i'm on the brink of not even searching and just giving up everything. its like, i've seem to stop fighting. my goals are seemingly vanishing and i just dont know how long i can hang on. so i rmbr praying on thurs night something like "God, i want to be close to you again. teach and guide me all over again......" it was a simple short prayer. to be honest with myself, its been long since i've prayed from my heart or rather / just allow myself to dish out some issues. over the years and more so in the recent years, my walk with God is mostly remote and dry and when i pray, most of the time its just out of the bit of discipline i have as a christian. but it was clear that no matter how small and ungrateful i am, He listens. Then, little messages starts flowing in from all over my life. 

i've always been observant, so its not just a case of suddenly making conscious effort in allowing things to relate to my struggles. 

During cell group, i saw this paragraph. and it really provided me some kind of comfort. i mean like, u know when ur life is 'usually fine', sometimes all these words doesn't seem to impact you until u're like in a similar kind of rut. and really, how timely. i really cannot emphasize how horrible my work week has been. 

then at on fri night, it was the usual i-can-finally-watch-late-night-tv. so watched Nat geo, and they were screeening Taboo.. about Changing Gender. it was interesting coz they talked about Gender X. sidetrack abit, the german female pole valter changed into a guy and is now super charming. ahhahahahs.ok, thats not the point. anyway, the show interviewed a few of such people and it was quite sad to hear their struggles since even they were a kid and did so many things to straighten things out but to no avail, which finally pushed them to make drastic actions to start living properly. it was more likka biological dis-synchronization of the mental and physical chromosomes and not about ppl submitting to social pressures and influences.

ok, the show provided me of some faint reminders that i dont think i wanna spend time elaborating them here, and to some extent, some comfort that i should be blessed and happy with myself and not go otherwise, especially when others are not so 'fortunate' to not have some inner torment.  

then, in between, there was an advertisement on some other nat geo show. i can't rmbr the title, but it spoke about the way of humanly living... like how Fears dictate the way of our lives, how it was fear that made cavemen back then to the humans we are today. And what if, the component of fear has been  permanently removed by having automated systems that prevent dangerous situations from occurring. they gave an example like if a man should fall from a height and have no pain at all, then we wouldn't think that falling is dangerous. hence, w/o the pain, human would not do things to 'not fall' and then, it increases the level of living dangerously and hence, people would then need to re-learn that falling, is dangerous and harmful. something along those lines. and so.... in the whole big picture, our lives would change quite drastically.

and then today morning at church service.

you know, i've been inconsistent at church. when i go, its either coz i'm on duty or some other reasons. but this time, i just went loh. thought i was playing all kinds of hp games during the boring sermon to keep awake, i wasn't that distracted to pick up some messages. ironically, the message was something about letting God guide you, but our hearts must allow it first. along those lines. i can't rmbr the phrases... wanted to tweet, but i was too busy playing game. ahhahahahas. but yea, it was 'loud' enough to remind me of what my God can do, and how i can go about allowing it. 

in the evening.., the movie - Divergent.

hahas. it's a good movie indeed. something like the Hunger Games, but more practical though it was still out-of-this-world. still hoping that i could watch this movie with you, but nvm. 

(pls go watch the movie or at least read the storyline coz i'm quite lazy and its quite late to be blogging out the storyline; so that u can probably better understand what i'm to explain.)

basically, the female lead Trish was a divergent, who was special and couldn't succumb to the 'system'. the whole point of the movie, and also the biggest lesson was that, our heart and emotion are still very powerful despite having a very controlled mind. 

to me, i felt that the whole movie was like my inner battle filmed out on the big screen just in a very different context. Trish was really brave though i think she doesn't acknowledge that. subconsciously, she channels her fear into curiosity / wanting to seek out for solutions to get of out it; and then, bravery then becomes a product. 

ok, there's really sooooo many things i wanna share today but its getting pretty late. 

through the day / wkend and even during the happening electric run with the lights and music, i recall my mind actively thinking, processing and missing -. ur absence do have a great effect on me. and well, i've already succeeded in pushing you away and perhaps u've really gone far out and away. i miss you so badly but that's all i can/should do. well, i secretly have that little faith that should i call or msg you again, u would respond. so much i wanna tell you right now, but i dont even deserve your time. i guess that would be nice, but i do rmbr the dreadful part of me in pushing you away once u start pulling me up on the life raft again. sigh. what.can.i.do.now? :( i shouldn't lift up something i can't carry  or rather, can't put down. 

i hope that life finds you well really. i dont know what i can do for you / myself anymore but for this matter, staying put seems to be the best option for me. just hope that time will do its healing n trick and just... hang it there. 

back to the big picture, though i'm pretty tired, i guess all these little messages do sound like a loud call for me to wake up form my drift in all aspects of my life. probably at this point of time, having a search for answers may just seem like searching for the MH370. instead of literally trying to search for the end point, i probably need to define some boundaries. well, not really the 'boundaries' for blockages, but more so in a form of placards with directions to tell me where i'm heading to. and also probably, not all issues in my life require such a search since resources / energies are limited. 

3am soon and a new placement at work tmr. i needa wake up extra early coz from the parking lot to my office would probably need a skytrain ride and probably another 15mins of walking. (-_-") but its the airport, so :) hahas. and i hope that things might change things a little. looking at it now, i've got less than 2 months more to study and solve some operational issues. i've got 2 choices - to 'use it', or 'break it'. and i've decided to 'use it' primarily because, if i give my best on the job, i will learn more and it will be a good platform for me in the future. secondarily, its good for the company should i achieve some form of positive results from my effort. 

i hope this can be exciting enough for me to re-light the lost flames, and push me back on track. 

i will continue to pray in faith and also, for you. 

Tonight seems extremely more difficult.

Its like being mentally on e edge with nothing to hold on to.

This too shall come to a pass.

Hang in there a little longer, 

U'll get used to it,

I hope.

Ground 0.

Not feeling too good abt myself.

Feeling hopeless and meaningless.

Thought of holding ur hand to just run away to a far away place where no one knows us.

Very tired.

Very discouraged.

I need a new perspective.

thats it.

today, is probably the worst day of work ever.

mark this day. 

i dont like playing games. 

if i'm going to work to learn how to... react to the way to ppl expect / want me to be, instead of focusing on really doing my work, sorry, i can't adapt.

i broke down after the meeting today coz i was so disappointed in you. i was angry, but it was more of major disappointment and discouragement. i dont think its a one off thing, but a build up of little frustrations and knotted situations.

honestly, i just want to throw the letter and leave since its going to make things easier for you in some sense. however, this wouldn't look good on me at this point of time. i'm worried not because i want to be a good employee in ur eyes at of now, but since u have lotsa power in the industry, i think i should be more rationale, tolerant and patience. i dont want to play ur games. so, i'm just gg to be firm on this. June will be it. count down, 42 more work days to exactly 1 year in the company. 

its exactly 2 months from now, 1 more month to throw the letter since must give 1 month notice.

of course, i'll miss everyone in the company, but i think this is more rationale option. haha. and to think that i was just bloggin about sincerely considering to stay. well, thanks for the wake up call. 

the dangerous part of it all is, where do i go from now?

in all honestly, its really not because i dont know what to do in life but its more like there's no company that supports what i want to do. i'm either 'over-qualified' or not relevant, and still considerably  inexperienced if you're talking about no. of official work years.

and for past ambitions, its not that i've been indecisive about my decisious, but its really the situations that have forced me to change my path.. mostly, due to physical / height limitations. and its not something that i can change ok.

all this while, i'm pretty clear of what i want to do in life, i'm just not clear which company can really support what i want to do. and seemingly like a 阴差阳错 kinda thing, the corporate conditions seem to always change when i'm just 1 small step away. 

today, i guess its God's plan. with such.... horrible incidences today, it comes with a piece of good news. well, looking at the rationale point of view now, idk if its good news or not. so now, i've got 3 choices. 2 of which, the next intake is in Aug. so looking at it, may/jun/july will be the deciding month.

well, if i'm not for the 3rd company, jun/july i'll be outta job. i'm not sure if i wanna do delivery with my super4 or even to resort in renting a 2b bike to continue on with my delivery / courier services. perhaps go back to my xxx temp job which pays me at least $108 a day for doing nothing.

haha. or spend all the money and go to vietnam / nepal. places that i've always want to go hiking and trekking. going to seattle and visit Boeing or Japan to visit their aerospace centre is abit toooo far fetched, maybe 5 yrs time, looking at the rate. ahhas. and should i consider job option 2, maybe in 10 yrs time. ahhahahs. but really la. i still got a family to support right. will, in a way, thank God its just mother poon and i.

today, i reallllllly missed my daddy alot.

if he's around, that's be excellent coz i can just find him. not that he's able to understand office shit or give great career advices, but i think he'll able to joke about it while his nonsense and playful actions remind me to take it easy. that's how my boeingpoon is and i really miss his jokes. i need more of him in my life before i start taking so many things too seriously. i need to rmbr live and not just fight to survive. 

and, i realllllyyy wannna tell you alll the details, but i wont use you and then, spoil everything again; because, though i know i am tired, i cannot afford to fall into your open arms that will eventually fail to break my fall. i have given up fighting and have been learning to let it all go. slowly, but surely like a small little tap. without a doubt, i'm very sad, miserable, but i deserve all this shit and there's nothing better i can do.

ANYWAY. monday is a new day and glad that i'm moving to the other side, futher away from him. of course i will miss the ppl around me there. however, i've got 2 months left. i have a choice - to use it or break it. i can really choose to not push for things since u're gently put in all the stop signs. but i dont want to ruin my reputation. today, i was pleasantly (and jian-ly) surprised when one of our customers wanted to hand me the projects coz he can't stand xxxxxxx. but of course, he said it in a fit of frustration and i dont and wont want to hijack it. well, he even mentioned of pulling me in. but no, be firm and clear, sportspoon.

and so, today, lotsa lessons learn. now i guess i'm starting to truly understand why people can't seem to give their best or do more for the company. i've been constantly advised by those few collegues to just 'do your job' and go home. period. no need so good / perfect plans or execution coz at the end of the day, ur pay doesn't necessary increase like that and a company will never appreciate you. well, the sad part of is is that the fy year end bonuses should be distributed in july. hahas. wasted. not that i can't wait for that long in the name of money, but i dont want to be in such a position where it becomes meaningless to go to work.

that's the contradicting thing about human. most of the time in life i always give my best in which, i usually try and do things exceeding the expected level of service the faith for the better good of the receiving end, be it at work, school, church, or even trngs. most of the time, i dont expect a return of a form of appreciation or anything. however, when i dont get appreciated, i may get upset. idk if you can call this a paradox, but i guess its just like a function of the human heart. so frail and contradictory. always never satisfied.

i really dont like myself in this mode now. if i can delete myself away from this earth without killing myself, i would.

at this point of time, i feel very vulnerable and mentally susceptible to any form of vocal or visual.... provoke. haha. such strong word. but yea, i guess i will need to learn how to block and filter unnecessary distractions. more imptly, be more patient. shut up. listen more. observe more. sometimes, not contributing is contribution in itself.

u know, i just really wanna say.. fckcarela. but i cant coz need to bring bread home for family. noble enough? whatever.

today after a sad day, i went for physio. wanted to buy some of my fav biscuits from spinelli, but basket. the biscuits size actually shrunk by 40% with no decrease in price. so nvm. i spent $6 on a cup of matcha latte, just to reward myself for surviving the day.

sigh. and this whole week, i pontang ALL trngs. 

i think i'm having some kinda of a life issue. 

i dont want to grow up and face adult probs anymore. its too meaningless.

mental di-reactions.

work's been challenging.
it really forces me to be more patience and graceful.
and i'm really afraid that i'm starting to force myself to be ignorant.
talk less and listen even less.
do i really want that?? sigh. but sometimes its really just so depressing. to say that i'm frustrated is just an understatement.


anyway that aside, today, i got a call from airbus for an interview.
and guess what, i cant believe that i rejected it.
i applied for some maintenance planner... but i think they called me to ask if i'm interested for the business/contracts opening. i mean, i'm currently doing that and more of other stuff, so it would defeat the purpose of changing job right. but i still could have gone for the interview, sell myself and see what they have got to offer me also right; or rather see if i can really be useful. but i didnt.

at this point of time, i secretly think that i'm starting to buy the idea of staying where i am now.
there's really alot of mess for me to clear at the operational side. and i'm really taking this as personal challenges for me. i would probably need to do some study and simple analysis to further understand the situation and come up with improvements. in the process, i'm happy coz i can get to learn alot more of the technical aspect and gain the valuable experience. however unlike my poly days where we did PBL (problem-based learning) projects in a group, this time i'm doing it alone. at times, when i think of it, i feel the drive and excitement but however, i feel inadequate and afraid if i should fail. this is fairly important to the company because this is where the main bulk of the business lies and i really need to start saving it before someone else steals this part of the pie.

and while trying to do my best here, i'm still confusing myself with issues of my other plans. i'm starting to doubt myself, sometimes i do lose that kind of faith. and then, the million dollar question - what do i want?

some ppl tell me that everywhere i go is the same - ppl are unproductive and just like that. honestly, i beg to differ. you urself has been in 1 company all ur life. though u've probably worked with other clients and customers, u have not really moved around. for me, though i'm inexperienced, but with past experiences with internships, part-time jobs and every delivery / courier services, it is sufficient to allow me to believe that each company culture is unique. not every company is perfect, but every company has got their own strengths and weaknesses. ok, lets not talk about company culture here.
by staying where i am now, i've also been told of some of the positive prospects for me. but at this moment, i guess i'm just blindfolding myself. only if i can................ ya. nvm.


haha.


all in all, this is just like my love life. i guess i can never be settled, and probably always having my own excuse and reasons to move / stay. should i stay, i will want to move. should i move, i will want to stay. i always have my own reasoning and being firm to it. maybe this is becoming a bad habit in my life, always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, never wanting to just settle down even if it is at its best. and since i'm never going to be satisfied with myself, i will never be satisfied. its not something that i dont want to change though. perhaps i just need to grow up and learn to give up issues graciously and stop being a perfectionist / idealist.



as there were many incidences today that really not only frustrated but confused me, i wanted to just give up, find a rich husband and get married to be a tai tai my whole life.  instead of thinking about revenue / cost and improvement strategies, i can focus on which is the best time and place to buy fresh fish / what colour the bedsheet or curtain, which detergent is the most effective and so on. actually no, if i'm a rich tai tai, i think i wouldnt know what to do in all the free time. heh. so now, i really should start wearing skirts and nice shoes to the office. HAHA. good try.


u know, last sunday, was sooooooo super lazy that i nuaaeedd at home the wholleeeeee day. wanted to wash my bike, but like just nuaed. didn't read books or anything, just played ipad and watch youtube the whole freaking day. hahas. i watched the air crash investigation of AirFrance 447 again.. and picked up a few more learning points. the initial part of the accident is similar to the missing MH370, just that this one had a mayday call and stuff. but the pilot,.... reallly ah. cannot really blame him. but really... communication is key. also, it made me love the Boeing design of aircrafts more than the Airbus. it did re-ignited the burning of flame of my interest in Boeing's fleet again since most of the time i'm working on the airbus planes now.
and anyway, i love David Learmount. i like his objective thought processes and how he is able to explain so complicated things to make it look so clear and easy. his comments on nat geo air crahs shows really left an impression on me. googled him and read some of his articles/ blog on flight global. he's one guy i wanna be when i grow up. objective and clear. even if the situation is so ambiguous, he's still able to make some kind of stand.





ok. actually today i dont really feel like blogging coz i wanna slp early. feeling very mentally drained from today's mental usage and exploitations.
but..................................... ok. i think i should stop here. ya....
ya.

disappointment covers

been wanting to blog but have been quite tired.

didnt go for tue thurs rugby trngs this whole week. tue was coz of work, thurs was coz i chose to go out for dinner with mother poon and sis. in all honesty, i think, i might have just given up on the league though its just 2 more games (1 today), and the finals next week. sigh.

haven never been sucha quitter, but with all my inconsistencies, i guess my absence is a contribution on its own. sigh.

ok, for all the photos, its not that i'm so free to try and creatively make the photos look artistic with all the filters and effects, but i'm just trying to retain some form of intellectual privacy, or as generic as possible (if that makes sense). ahhas.

about work, the first installation finally kicked off after months of planning and pushing. next time when u sit on SQ's A380 & A330s, just rmbr that all the seat covers and cushions are under my project. hahas. but ok, first installation with many hiccups despite my meticulous planning. really. of course i wouldn't want to say my plan is full proof, but if people are not responsible and proactive enough, u get your delays, so dont complain.

anyway, learnt alot from this project.

it also allowed me to work till the sunset at the apron. though it's been tiring coz it seems that i'm working likka 12hr-shift-5 days a week kinda thing, working till night fell was somewhat a nice feeling. i miss those days working on night shifts.

also been to airbus' office at A10 for a meeting. soooo honoured and amazed. never will u expect for an office at the apron to be sooooooooo amazing. i wish i could take photos, not to show u guys, but just for me too keep and hope that other offices and strive to do better in terms of their technological capabilities. well, was too near to yours. idk if i was hoping to see you, and if i really did, idk how i would react anyway. but let's be work-focused now. 

another additional learning reinforced point is that people just run away from their tasks and responsibilities and hopefully, such 'requests' will be dissipated into thin air in due time. its really tiring especially for those who are trying to get the work done.and the most annoyingly ironic/contradicting thing is that some people can just periodically demand for their tasks to be done/ deadlines to be met w/o realizing that w/o their necessary input, no.one.can.move. its like.... trying to ask me to cook your maggie mee if you dont want to turn on the stove to boil your water first. hahas. ya, along those lines. ahhahas. ugh. frustrating and stupid.  so do you expect me to throw in the uncooked noodles into the cold stale water and hoping that it'll miraculously turned into a pippin' hot bowl of awesome lunch? good try. and sorry, pls dont tell me that i'm living in an idealistic/perfectionist world if you think that you can reach point C from A but skipping B. 

and you know, i really get very discouraged.

and honestly, i'm really afraid. i'm very afraid that in time to come, i'll sink into such norms and then, become unproductive, thinking that problems can be sloved on its own. and in every effortless action, i'll think its all good and ok. the world does evolve like that, but it will not thrive in such conditions. hence, on a bigger scale, accidents, though preempt with 1001 preventive means, do happen because of such complacencies and oversight. well, deliberate oversight that is. 

and so, this is the first time in my life of living that i told myself that i never want to work in the company that i've always think highly of. i mean, with all financial / welfare considerations aside, i'm just upset that the culture of people are as such. even if you take in those 2 considerations, it just makes it even more depressing. and then you go talk about lean and productivity means w/o even first identifying the crux of the problem. everyone is just throwing in a solution in which, causes a secondary problem. to simply put it, everybody is wasting time. if i'm da big bosss of everything, i believe that with half the manpower, but with effective ppl doing their job not only responsibility, but to their best of their ability, i think i might even be able to achieve more than projected. 

at times point of time, i guess i should be apprehensive if this blog post can be used to take any legal actions against me. but i dont think so luh hur. i never mention who and what and when rightts.

another disappointing thing is that my respect for laes are going down the hill. so much so that i myself, is finally starting to question my own dream and aspiration - do i really want to be like them?

ok, i'm not talking about their technical capabilities coz in all confidence and faith, i have to believe the the license is good enough for the license holders to carry out their tasks sufficiently to make everything safe within their personal humanly capabilities. yup, thats right. faith in policies, procedures and authorization and empowerment. but to me, i just feel..... so sad. 

ppl with their trained abilities are not contributing enough to justify their level of knowledge. ok, i'm in no position to comment about this coz my technical knowledge is probably 0.1% of what they are trained in. however, everyday, i just feel that my patience and understanding for the big picture is being put to the test. on the whole, attitude sucks. u've got those who think that they own the world, and on the other hand, you've got those who doesn't want to own anything. its really very depressing coz i just feel that my platform for the respect in most the aspect is slowly being hijacked despite me trying to internally prevent myself from destroying it.

in the bigger picture, on the whole it just looks like those while villagers are arduously trying to plant and harvest the wheat, you've got another pool of people who throws the whole bowl of rice away just because it's not warm enough to suit their habits of consumption.

that's how it feels like now. so how to satisfy all the hungry stomachs??

ok well, another learning lesson is that i have to admit, i can be very impatience when it comes to getting things done in my expected timing. and if i should fail to meet my own expectation though it may not be my responsibility, i get very frustrated and it shows all over. not only that, i may tend to make rash and impluse decisions which i will regret after 20 mins. but ok, for that, thank God for understanding bosses and collegues who knows how i function and do their best to accommodate my unreasonable demands at times. 

anyways... its the first wk into the 'new' company though nothing's physically changed yet. the amount of documentation preparation is enough to kill almost all of us across all departments.

officially i'm posted to the operational side soon to try and salvage some businesses with aims to implement productivity and quality improvements. however with all the stuff that i'm tied down with, i'm still stuck in the main office though. i've got some plans alrdy to go ahead with, but i just need to clear all the shit off my hands for now. 

ok. to some extent, i'm abit more excited, and hence, even more confused.

ok...soon, this will change.

i'm still deciding what i want to do in life.

this week on the whole, its been confusing coz it seems that all of a sudden, i've lost my primary purpose in wanting to play a significant role to the growth in the aviation industry in singapore. i dont know what i want to do anymore. and to even make things more confusing, i got called to my 2nd medical check up for the airforce. no, its not a stage 2 itsagoodsign thing, but its coz, they found that my back is not very straight so they want to look into the severity of it to then again see if i'm qualified. 

i'm pretty sad even more now. i'm aware of my minor scoliosis since the school medical checkup in primary school... but its not severe enough for me to take any action about it. i've been seeing a chiropractor before, but its for posture improvements since on those time in the months, my backache do ache especially when i'm running. so if that doesn't work out for me, i dont know what more. 

anyway, my compass test officially expires today, and i think if i really want to move on with this application, i needa redo the whole 5 hr test.

i gave myself till June. now its alrdy April. 

april.may.june.

time files. 

i'm loosing track of mysef.

last sad note, RIP Coach Greg Jones.

though he has physically lost the battle with cancer, his spirit still lives on in the Touch community. as a Touch director for this sport in Singapore, he's done alot to allow this sport to grow in Singapore despite having much barriers to entry from the respective organizations. He has played a key role for the Singapore's Womens Team to achieve the Bronze medal in the last World Cup, falling behind New Zealand and Australia. bet not many Singaporeans know that, and their achievement really deserve more recognition.

anyway, he's been my first club coach after graduating from tp. I joined Pirates as the first pioneer batch and really enjoyed my first few experiences at club level. though it was short-lived for the many of us due to the changes, it was indeed very memorable. went on to my first tournament overseas under Pirates for the Asian Club champs held in bkk and it was really a good step to my Touch journey.

I still rmbr those trngs at nus field. i never thought i was a goodenough centre player. but you believed in me and you trained me hard to do well in that position. sometimes i would try and secretly scoot off to the winger and hope that u'll not notice but you would eventually call "what are you doing there? get back here!" in your heavy australian tone. being less exposed to angmohs in my environment i rmbr i couldn't graps your language and would often say like.. "HUH, again leh?"hahahas.  i also still rmbr some of your drills. though we do fitness before/after the drills, your supposedly technique-focused drills are secretly fitness-incoporated. ahhas. i rmbr wanting to sub out coz my legs can take no more and u said something like "come on.. i know u're faster than this". i rmbr wanting to tell u in the face "eh, you come and be in my position than u know la", but of course, i know its for the good of me. and really, its because of how anal you were at our lines of run that i really improved as a Touch player. it was significant that ppl around did come up to me and tell me "wah, u've improved alot eh". i mean, guess players who play at club level will have to improve to match up with the level of competition, but i have to give credit to you. 

i also rmbr all the silly and mindless forfeits we do after trng just to literally fool around since we're all so high on fitness before heading off for supper at thomson. hahahahs.

not sure if you can see the 2 vids i've shared before on FB so everyone could share some laughter. pity that the vids are low in resolution.

Post by Marian Poon.

Post by Marian Poon.

anyways, u're in a better place now w/o suffering. like what dora said, u're probably teaching the angels up there to play Touch. better train them up well enough and be ready when the whole bunch of us goes up to join u guys eventually. be ready! hahas. :')

i'll miss you. 

such a disappointingly sad week i must say.

a spoonful of....

i needa call back.

but before i go into that, tmr's April. company changes are alrdy underway.

honestly, though its not really that of a big change to our product and service offerings, i dun really know what to expect.

anyway, its the time of the month again and i'm feeling hungry and having not so friendly breakouts. 

not too bad on the whole actually. but i think i needa learn to not only control my emotions, but control all my expressions.

i had a damn weird dream last night. i dreamt that i was in jurassic park. the setting and plot some how did similar, just that if my plot was screened in the movies, it can probably take over steven spielberg's standing. hahahahhas. good try.

it was funny coz i dreamt that i was not only in it, i had the overview of things and i was likka hero in my dream nightmare, planning all the escape routes and means of concealment from the dinosaurs for the ppl around me.  hahas. i mean like, at this age, i'm still dreaming about dinosaurs.hahahas. that i rly dun understand. anyway, it was interesting coz no doubt that it was a nightmare, it felt like everything was under control though every human were scrambling for their lives including myself.

today, decided to blog coz my colleague didn't have a good wk.  was quite a hearttoheart moment in the car with just the 3 of us, advice were given by uncle j, including by me and my idontthinkitsuseful advice. i think its affecting his work abit. i mean, he's still very productive as usual, but can see that he's just going through the motion of being at work, being alittle frustrated and moody at everything. ok being a girl, i sorta figure it out last wk arldy, and true enough, he told me that they're having some probs. haha, just like me the other time when i just couldn't work properly. as a guy, he's probably using his left brain more to focus on his work vs me the other time round.

ok, i'm not hear to comment about their r/s; but his sharing and our discussions did made me ponder a few stuff. 

at this age now, bgr is really not about the dating, about the chase, or about all those emotionally positive feelings. well, i think they still bear the bigger part of the pie chart, however, rationality of humanly needs and wants, though is the smaller part of the pie, seems to be the heavier portion, bearing the weight of the decisions that is to come. love doesn't become a positive emotional feeling or simply just making the other party happy, but it comes with the compromise, trust and along with other worldly planning, such as family and more imptly, money. i think if at a point, in a r/s where going the extra mile becomes a chore or an action for a reciprocal benefit return, i think the grounds are shifting and it is like a subtle initial warning, serious but often left unnoticed. especially when money becomes an issue, i think both sides need to really sit down and start questioning themselves in an attempt to re-align their hearts again. its like flying the plane with ur VOR switched off. no one really wants to identify where is the r/s gg. i mean, money is always an issue. but if it becomes part of a purpose for anything or having considerations to weight the $ sign to things, i just dont think its right. 

i mean, its different from having financial planning or stuff like that for the long journey ahead especially when the little kids come in. if money becomes a solution for short-term desire, then i dont think there's any worth left in a r/s. might as well leave the banker and rob the bank. (hahas. my secret attempt to sound philosophically challenging. ahhahahas. #goodtry)

maybe, all in all, nothing should really matter, but just being happy with the person you love. just like how in marriage vows, both parities promise to stick it through 'for better of for worse', 'in rich or in poor'... if now, fighting over the Who's Paying the Bill or I Want a Phone for My Birthday even becomes an issue to begin with, i think everything is just going wrong and you should let go before you get urself emotionally and finically breathless.

as for myself, honestly, i dont think anything matters now.

of course, i do miss those happy moments, little burst of joys which is like letting a small piece of ice become an avalanche that grows, gains it speed and wants more. though there's always that kind of gap, i think its all fine now coz i dont feel that.... burdened....tight and heavy. more manageable at least. of course theres always those yearnings and hope to re-live in those moments, but if i'm not able to take in all in and accept it gracefully when present it to me, it just simply means i dont deserve anything in the first place. so i should stop being selfish though it's not making anything better for you anyways. 

during trng today, have to admit that i was daydreaming for awhile while on defense, and somehow, i had a thought to myself... "am i enjoying myself?" haha, no, not about rugby or what, but life.

how long ago did i really enjoy living, live free and live out loud? i dun want to lay this parallel  to the short-term happiness or burst of enjoyment that we do take joy in, but i'm speaking about long periods of feeling at ease, neither running, nor searching. 2 yrs ago? no. 7 yrs ago? probably abt there.

hahas. boys ruin everything, just like a crumpled paper that cannot be straightened. omg, i think enough of the metaphors. ahahahas.

of course i can't deny that i'm suffering now, but i still think this is the safer place. i dont really want to blog about this here coz i know u'll be reading it still, but i needa release those thoughts abit. 

i guess all our fears and worries are just simply mental fences that we unnecessarily build up ourselves unintentionally, and like quick-drying cement, before u try and remove it, u're doomed when it hardens. 

oh wells.

work hard get money now.

it seems that i'm supporting the family now that i'm working while my sis is outta job with her husband not earning much. haha. i guess i'm currently on my next phase in life now. 

so all in all, move on man.

whokay. ytd was the yearly affair of Qing Ming Jie. gone are the days where the family charter a private bus and drive everyone into an ulu part of Singapore to literally find our ancestor graves.

now everyone's at the yishun columbarium, with my dad specially at All Saints.

missed my dad. and it was only ytd that i realize that gg there was the only way i can physically get close to my dad again knowing that his bones and ashes are beind those walls. idk how bones and ashes do provide me some form of comfort, but it did. i guess that's the good/bad thing about me. little things excites and fascinates me, but little things do have that weight to pull me down deep and hard too.

anyway, who needs a boyfriend when i've got my cheeky boy to feed me iceream.
u know, its soooo sweet of him, until the icecream didn't taste sweet anymore. ahhas. he was happily eating his icecream, and w/o me teasing him of not sharing with me, he just offered me "jie jie marian do u want to eat ice creammmmm, and slowly tries to scoop some and reach for my mouth. no matter how weight conscious i can be at times, these few words can make me eat a whole tub if spoon-fed by him. whahhahha. ok, there's photos of it coz i asked him to re-ask me again. ahhahahhahas.


but ok, that should be enough to remind me that i'm not all that hopeless and i'm still loveable to some extent. :D