Divergent

finally an action-pack wkend after the horrible work week.

Saturday was the day.
my usual Touch league games and then off to watch the finals.
great job on the ladies for battling out to defend the title yet again. half time was 0-0 and it was enough to attack back hard to win the game of 19-5.



ok. this i have to admit, for whatever the reasons, i gave up mentally last wk so i personally dont deserve the win. i actually left before the game ended partially coz of the electric run, but more so because i didn't know how to be there. but anyway, just thank God for jelvin and the snr players who have stuck it in for so long with all the sweat, tears and blood. i will use this season to really reflect and decide if i should be running on this path again.



next, Electric run. probably the most expensive 5k i've ever paid for.
ooookk la. i think the nice part of it all was the lights at night that looked like colourful fireflies.
and i liked the tunnel part coz of all the lights and little bubbles.

yea. nice is nice. but to pay this kind of $ for next yr... maybe i'll think about it again.

Today, Palm Sunday, went to church. 

then had the comms meeting.

then finally had our J. Co. date after 2 yrs of wanting to meet up. hahas. 

we had Bangkok Jam for lunch and then watched Divergent, and finally J. CO donuts! 

felt good coz i think this is the rare few times that i hanged out with friends and had a social life of entertainment. 

yep, and lastly.. happy siblings day.

quarreled since the day i was born. and perhaps, its coz of u that i've got my stubborn and never-say-lose attitude. hahas. whatever it is, thanks for pushing me around all these yrs and standing in strong for mother poon that crucial period when dad was gone. 

i dont think that u'll ever read this space until either one of us dies. ahhahas. so yep, lets continue to love each other in our own stubborn ways.  

so yep, want to be brief about documenting my life events. hahas.

now, i wanna talk about Heart vs Mind vs... Fears.

back to my horrible work week, because of the horrible week, it made me realize how far away i was from God and much i needed Him. because i'm like at a point in life where my work / rugby / love life doesn't seem to have a direction, i realized that i'm on the brink of not even searching and just giving up everything. its like, i've seem to stop fighting. my goals are seemingly vanishing and i just dont know how long i can hang on. so i rmbr praying on thurs night something like "God, i want to be close to you again. teach and guide me all over again......" it was a simple short prayer. to be honest with myself, its been long since i've prayed from my heart or rather / just allow myself to dish out some issues. over the years and more so in the recent years, my walk with God is mostly remote and dry and when i pray, most of the time its just out of the bit of discipline i have as a christian. but it was clear that no matter how small and ungrateful i am, He listens. Then, little messages starts flowing in from all over my life. 

i've always been observant, so its not just a case of suddenly making conscious effort in allowing things to relate to my struggles. 

During cell group, i saw this paragraph. and it really provided me some kind of comfort. i mean like, u know when ur life is 'usually fine', sometimes all these words doesn't seem to impact you until u're like in a similar kind of rut. and really, how timely. i really cannot emphasize how horrible my work week has been. 

then at on fri night, it was the usual i-can-finally-watch-late-night-tv. so watched Nat geo, and they were screeening Taboo.. about Changing Gender. it was interesting coz they talked about Gender X. sidetrack abit, the german female pole valter changed into a guy and is now super charming. ahhahahahs.ok, thats not the point. anyway, the show interviewed a few of such people and it was quite sad to hear their struggles since even they were a kid and did so many things to straighten things out but to no avail, which finally pushed them to make drastic actions to start living properly. it was more likka biological dis-synchronization of the mental and physical chromosomes and not about ppl submitting to social pressures and influences.

ok, the show provided me of some faint reminders that i dont think i wanna spend time elaborating them here, and to some extent, some comfort that i should be blessed and happy with myself and not go otherwise, especially when others are not so 'fortunate' to not have some inner torment.  

then, in between, there was an advertisement on some other nat geo show. i can't rmbr the title, but it spoke about the way of humanly living... like how Fears dictate the way of our lives, how it was fear that made cavemen back then to the humans we are today. And what if, the component of fear has been  permanently removed by having automated systems that prevent dangerous situations from occurring. they gave an example like if a man should fall from a height and have no pain at all, then we wouldn't think that falling is dangerous. hence, w/o the pain, human would not do things to 'not fall' and then, it increases the level of living dangerously and hence, people would then need to re-learn that falling, is dangerous and harmful. something along those lines. and so.... in the whole big picture, our lives would change quite drastically.

and then today morning at church service.

you know, i've been inconsistent at church. when i go, its either coz i'm on duty or some other reasons. but this time, i just went loh. thought i was playing all kinds of hp games during the boring sermon to keep awake, i wasn't that distracted to pick up some messages. ironically, the message was something about letting God guide you, but our hearts must allow it first. along those lines. i can't rmbr the phrases... wanted to tweet, but i was too busy playing game. ahhahahahas. but yea, it was 'loud' enough to remind me of what my God can do, and how i can go about allowing it. 

in the evening.., the movie - Divergent.

hahas. it's a good movie indeed. something like the Hunger Games, but more practical though it was still out-of-this-world. still hoping that i could watch this movie with you, but nvm. 

(pls go watch the movie or at least read the storyline coz i'm quite lazy and its quite late to be blogging out the storyline; so that u can probably better understand what i'm to explain.)

basically, the female lead Trish was a divergent, who was special and couldn't succumb to the 'system'. the whole point of the movie, and also the biggest lesson was that, our heart and emotion are still very powerful despite having a very controlled mind. 

to me, i felt that the whole movie was like my inner battle filmed out on the big screen just in a very different context. Trish was really brave though i think she doesn't acknowledge that. subconsciously, she channels her fear into curiosity / wanting to seek out for solutions to get of out it; and then, bravery then becomes a product. 

ok, there's really sooooo many things i wanna share today but its getting pretty late. 

through the day / wkend and even during the happening electric run with the lights and music, i recall my mind actively thinking, processing and missing -. ur absence do have a great effect on me. and well, i've already succeeded in pushing you away and perhaps u've really gone far out and away. i miss you so badly but that's all i can/should do. well, i secretly have that little faith that should i call or msg you again, u would respond. so much i wanna tell you right now, but i dont even deserve your time. i guess that would be nice, but i do rmbr the dreadful part of me in pushing you away once u start pulling me up on the life raft again. sigh. what.can.i.do.now? :( i shouldn't lift up something i can't carry  or rather, can't put down. 

i hope that life finds you well really. i dont know what i can do for you / myself anymore but for this matter, staying put seems to be the best option for me. just hope that time will do its healing n trick and just... hang it there. 

back to the big picture, though i'm pretty tired, i guess all these little messages do sound like a loud call for me to wake up form my drift in all aspects of my life. probably at this point of time, having a search for answers may just seem like searching for the MH370. instead of literally trying to search for the end point, i probably need to define some boundaries. well, not really the 'boundaries' for blockages, but more so in a form of placards with directions to tell me where i'm heading to. and also probably, not all issues in my life require such a search since resources / energies are limited. 

3am soon and a new placement at work tmr. i needa wake up extra early coz from the parking lot to my office would probably need a skytrain ride and probably another 15mins of walking. (-_-") but its the airport, so :) hahas. and i hope that things might change things a little. looking at it now, i've got less than 2 months more to study and solve some operational issues. i've got 2 choices - to 'use it', or 'break it'. and i've decided to 'use it' primarily because, if i give my best on the job, i will learn more and it will be a good platform for me in the future. secondarily, its good for the company should i achieve some form of positive results from my effort. 

i hope this can be exciting enough for me to re-light the lost flames, and push me back on track. 

i will continue to pray in faith and also, for you.