WhatsAt?

Survived another week at work.

My perspective on life seems to taking on a big change. 

Idk if you call this succumbing to social conformity, but i really dun want. Its the norm to just do enough, speak enough. Nothing more, nothing less. Sufficient to get away from trouble. So is this on the road to improvement i.e business productivity? And the funny thing is while everyone is trying to 'push for results' by not really doing much, the ppl who are trying to really push for it gets the 'blame' for the not-so-promising results. So is this really growing up? Is this all about the working world? Is this really the standpoint for everywhere-is-the-same? 

On the whole, it make me feel like a kid, yet to be grown up. It made me feel likka... spoilt kid. Because i couldnt get things done, i was upset. It was like... getting upset because i couldnt get my colour pencils just to colour my picture... Just that instead of colour pencils, its things like the highlift, the safety nets, the gpu for aircrafts. Haha. And because i was just soooo frustrated, I broke down midway in e late aftnn, again. Tmd. And because some of the engineers and sfm saw my frustrations, they started helping to get the highlift and stuff like that. Haha. They were nice. But it made me feel really bad and stupid on the whole; just because some small girl cried, work got going. But anyway, also wanna say tt msging u was one of the better things that happened. Though i felt that i really needed u at that point in time, i knew that i shouldnt do it. But I think msging u was the only thing that kept me sane. 

Despite struggling so much with the work envt, politics and time pressures, i still stayed on to work till 11.30pm last night to push the project through despite not being able to claim OT. Ya, and i had to miss maundy thurs Service and this morng's good friday service coz i was just so tired. I deserve a medal for that pls. Haha. But despite doing alll that, i still get thoseee emails from the whoevers. Sigh.

Also wanna thank God for my long lost cousin who's not really my cousin also, who's in the states for his trng or some sort. We dont msg often, but his msg was really timely. And then when he shared with me about his little dream, i just felt sooooooo encouraged and again, reminded of what i am fighting for.

Cant wait for him to be back and have a meal tgt. Been too long.

Hahhaa. And speaking of msging.... Omg. Hahaha. I did a very very wrong error. Because one of the meeting was cancelled, i was damn happy and wanted to tell the grp abt it - the whatsapp grp w/o the boss in it. For the whatsapp grp with the boss in it, its not really utilized so its never in the top few screen on my phone... However, because one of my collegues used it on that day, it came up and i convenivently thought it was the grp w/o the boss in it. Until.......... He replied. Haha. Some more with all the party poppers and all siol. #courtingdeath. 不知死活 man. Hahah

My heart really hit rock bottom man. I mean coz recently, i guess we've got some unspoken issues, it didnt help the situation at all. It made it wiorse of course. Sigh.

I really dont like all of this. I'm reallly beginning to believe that one should never give her best because at the end of the day, though its not all abt getting rewarded or appreciated, u're just putting urslef in a situation whr u have worked or contirbuted for nothing. Some things just cant move w/o ur counterparts inputs. So is this the whole idea about social conformity and growing up to adapt to the working world? In that case, must i really grow up?

Haha, and again, God seems to be speaking to me via nat geo / discovery channels. As i was so tired today, i didnt go church / go out in the morng, so i watched tv. And the first documentary i watched was something about social conformity! Its in nat geo wild.. I think its called something like " how human are u". It was interesting coz it related our Human behavior to those of wild animals trying to survive in the brutal world. Its all abt survival, fight or flight and defense mechanisms to adapt and protect. Haha. Then the next show i watch was Brain Games on nat geo... And it started to get abit eerie when today's episode was abt ho ppl react in groups and conforms to thr pressures and displpay signs of groupthink. Haha. And it was also interesting that they mentioned that for ppl who dont confirm to social pressues, they can be considered as risk takers since they explore and do things out of the norm. And, they also mentioned that "we cant blame ourselves (to those who succumb to social pressures)" because there's actually a gene that directly relates to risk-tKing by an individual. Interesting hur. Haha. I rmbr the last time when i was facing some issues abt my fears, all these channels did address that. And today, the tv worked its wonders again. 

Though watching all these... um... "answer sheets" to life doenst really help my situation in a practical way, but it does give a sense that u're perfectly not alone and its all scientifically tested and proven, so i really dun have to fret over so many issues in life.

Yea.

I guess the lesson that i really want to take away is to just..... Learn to accept things the way they are and be patience abt it. Well, it also shouldnt mean that i giving up trying to seek out improvements or maintaining certain quality standards too, though i feel that i'm starting to lean over that side. I guess it should also mean that i shouldnt really give up in my beliefs and what i stand for though it consistently seem that i'm walking straight into the walls ans hurting myself so much in the process. its all about leaning and growing hur..  

Meanwhile, the next question is, where do i go from here?