out of focus

Before I make a left turn to my room, I’ll always look at this photo, looking at how she has grown up, still with that inquisity and not knowing what lies ahead of her. From barbie dolls to power rangers to bicycles to motorbikes and now to aircrafts, she’ll never really know what’s gonna be like for the journey ahead. But one thing she know is that while holding God’s hand and letting Him be her pilot, she’ll never go off course, she’ll never walk alone.

looking at that photo, that eyes full of questions, full of uncertainty. 

and somehow, its without fear, but with subtle excitement and anticipation.

and now, where have all that courage gone? where's the patience? where's that mind of limitless possibilities?

sprained my right hand today during the friendly. i think its the middle / 4th finger area so its affecting my grip. 

and so, it got me thinking, imagine if i'm an fully fledged engineer now, my hands are my ricebowl. if anything should happen to them, it would mean an end to my career. 

last week, some of us were talking about how rugby can affect your career and vice versa. in the scene, we've got doctors, dentists, pilots, people on bonds / scholarships and so on. 

most of them, while attaining their certs in their respective fields have unwillingly gave up rugby because of the demands, or rather, the basic requirements of their jobs which is just to have a completely functioning well body. 

a few of them have taken the risk, an obviously miscalculated one since nothing is predictable. 

passion? career? family? money? 

haven't been focused.

i'm here, but never really here.

idk whats becoming of me

idk what's happening

and idk y all these its happening.

i gotta learn to take it all down likka man. like how we train to tackle our opponents during rugby trngs.

i'm not confident of my capability.

i feel very inadequate.

i can't find that discipline.

i'm stubborn and i want to learn.

but i'm not letting go.

i really dislike myself

but i can't coz i know God made me.

at this point of time, i have no idea how i made it through the past 23 yrs of my life.

its never smooth sailing, but i do rmbr how i can take up challenges and face it sufficiently well to be who i am today. but today, i can't seem to grasp any concepts of strengths. i dun want to think that i'm trying to tangibilize nor to proove everything to be logical, but to be honest, i am afraid. i'm so so afraid. 

and what's even more terrifying, i dun even know what i'm afraid of. is it because that my ego has masked all humanity or heart? or that all the negative experiences, instead of building me, has destroyed all kind of hope?

its like trying to say, i dont know what's right and wrong anymore.

one thing i do know is that whenever i'm far from God and trying to rely / work for Man, i feel like this. 

especially when i've said yes to gg for Mission Trip this year end. the devil always try to bring us away from what God want us to do. but right now, i can't be sure if its really is that, or just me being filled with negativity, selfishness, and without faith and hope.

i cant seem to just get out of this pit.

i dont even know what matters anymore. 

and lastly...

i recieved an email from my dad's email account, being taken over by mother poon.

mother poon is tech savvy for her age, but not to a point of sending me an email - what more, an aviation related email.

but to double confirm, i asked her if she send me any email... she said no.

ok. that's damn freaky can.

what's more freaky is that its about my fav 747, as well as my dad's fav plane.

ok daddy. this is 7mth. pls dun chut this kind of pattern lehs. but yea, its a good article about engines and icing probs. but still........