Entity

Is it because I cant let go

or...

just dont wanna let go?

I think its 2 seperate entity that should be clear and distinct.

my game of life

wah.

today i had a good game man.
i played well! i scored 2 tries. (:
and we had like little subs today. played wing today and i played the full 2nd half w/o sub. #achievementunlock.

and i've affirmed something today - i play well when i ref a game before. hahas.
some of my senior players noticed that too.

ok. shall not bore you with the technical part.
but for me, it was like... self discovery man.


i perform well when i'm not given a comfort zone.
i would call it stress or like in a no-choice-situation... but whenever i'm in a position where i've got very little room for myself, i do well.
little room to think. little space to breathe. little time to contemplate.


you know they say that "it takes a bit of a distraction to keep focus". in it, because of a challenge presented, i can, or rather, have to subconsciously push myself onto another level.
and its not just about a game of rugby, but about life.


refereeing 1 game before pushes my heart and mind to be more alert and more focused. it gets the blood pumping earlier. and knowing that i have reff-ed just before my own game, i knew that i had to work harder to keep up with the fitness and intensity of my game.  in addition, we had little subs today, all the more, i had to be focus and do what needs to be done. and hence, because i'm thrown into a situation whereby i'm left with no space for comfort or excuses, i perform well.

on normal days, when we have a full team / i dont ref at all, i dont perform. by right, since i've got the 100% energy, i should be right. but that isnt the case.
abit of an irony isn't.
but maybe thats how sportspoon functions.
thats how the human mind takes things for granted, especially when we're unaware.


maybe in life, i'm too comfortable. ok. that's an understatement. but i guess i am.
and when i'm in this position, i let my mind wander. its not exactly a bad thing, but it does provide a sort of comfort for sound reasoning, rational thinking, and eventually reasonable excuses that are just smokescreens to the reality of life.




today, i had the whole day to myself. its rare that ive got no admin work that needs to be done. i didn't bring work back to do. neither did i have any rugby/church/photography paperwork that needs my attention. i'm also not on any church duty or whatsoever. it felt wierd.
i wanted to pack my cupboard coz right now, its like a battlefield now. but instead, i nua-ed my saturday away. literally. i charged by phone twice - because i was playing all kinds of games, looking at tumblr and so on.
i literally had a day to myself.
kinda regretted that i didn't play the guitar / piano or like did a recording. i feel like drawing now though, but its like 11.30 pm now and... ive.got.work.tomorrow. yes.on.a.sunday.

so i guess tmr, after my breakfast duty in church, i'm gg to work. -_-
from the look of it, i guess i'm gg to miss trng. ):
bah.






ANYWAYS.
hows life?




(ok, that meant to be rhetorical. hahas)
honestly, idk.

ok. even though i had a good sat morng, and an over all chill saturday, i cannot disregard that my unsettled heart and mind have been the epitome of the darkest whirpool.
each time i hear the roaring of a motorbike, my heart jumps abit and starts to wander.
come to think of it, its been like this for too long, and the intensity of it just got worse, especially this year. and i guess u know why. its a ican'texplainbutyouknowwhy thing.


in the long pause of silence for the past month, i did alot of thinking. alot of soul searching. alot of questioning. and i realize, the more i think out of my own capability, i arrive back at square 1. its time that i start letting God take control. i dun have the strength, the discipline, the right mind to keep things on track.
i can't be selfish anymore.
there's certain things that needs to be done in certain ways. no escape route. no roundabouts. no detour.
even though it seems like it's ok, actually its not and it can't be until i let everything go.
i can't be selfish anymore.
i can't let you down anymore.
neither should i let myself down even more.


and as always, tumblr is the answer to your darkest unknown patches.

everything in context.

ugh. feel like writing again.

dramatic irony.

the deafening silence that speaks the most

up and down and coast to coast

what's in the name that's all so bleak

what's in the call that makes me weak

the darkest light that shines all out

high and low and sunk in drought

the shallowest of depths it may not create

how long more will she annihilate

the slightest wound that cuts so deep

day by day it gets so steep

how long more can all this last

or how long more does it take to find its cast

the fastest delay that has no end

where forth art thou does it blend

head into the wall i find myself

heart on the ground i seek thyself

the slowest run that gets nowhere

how may i ask if u're still there

countless words i want to say

deflected knives thrown day to day

the softest beatings that kills my soul

pls tie my wrists up to that pole

swallow me up if it's your wish

i just can't really be this selfish

the quiet noise that seeps right in

into the crevasse that can't be seen

throwing ropes down into the abyss

where can i find that awful peace

the neatest mess that has it shelves
tidying it up all by myself
will you watch me fade to grey

as i hold back words that i cant say

the deafening silence that speaks the most
u've ransacked me till i've left my post

how do i continue to walk this path

and whom can i run with to the strath

You want efficiency.  You want convenience.

But you dont want change.

Im sure can.

K.

K. Pretty stressed now and v frustrated.

I cant pace myself when the world doesnt want to cooperate.
I mean we each all have our own tasks right.

I can really draw the line if I have to. But i will not because its not just 'not nice' but it may be politically not nice to an extend.
So in e end, I suffer in silence because everyone, including myself, fails to take a cooperative standpoint.

And whats more frustrating is that I do take the initiative to push for things, sometimes even things that are not under my direct responsibility. And its only last min, (like 1 working day before) that everyone wants to respond to the 1 month ago request.

I feel like a mean person coz it seems that im pushing for additional workload.
If ive got nothing to do, fine, then I can blame myself. But right now, really, helping each other out is an understatement. Lets just have a shared common goal / frequency / wavelength.
Understand that all of us in life have different workrates, but perhaps, lets have that basic decency to just acknowledge if we can / cannot deliver when situation arrives.

And so i guess I should be assuming that if there are any cockups, we start throwing arrows? #justsaying.

Ok. im still in the in-the-spite-moment-of-anger and frustration. So I guess ill regret saying all these later. But whatever. Just very very frustrated to be cool.

oversee

well. was quite a.... quirky day at work today.



travelled up and down so many times. i think its about like 6 times in and out of the office. and before i knew it, it was 6pm. its funny that its only after office hours that i could finally start doing the office work proper.

i have been pretty much focused today. i guess its really because i had to. and that there are people who needs my attention for real.
the deadline is drawing near. and the deadline doesn't mean an end, but the start of something bigger.
and hence, i do feel very apprehensive and with fear to a certain extend.

in these 2 wks of mad rush, i did sign off for something i which i just briefly checked through.
ok, in relation, its a small sum of money that was loss coz of me. but it still unnecessary losses.

basically, to summarize the story, i produce work X for vendor A to work on it. vendor A amends it and accidentally added on an error. i'm supposed to check and  sign for the final work before vendor A had send it back to me to verify and proceed on with the execution. i did check through, but because of the rush, i didnt really take my time to check. just checked on major areas for concern since all the changes weren't obvious kinds.
and hence, because of my oversight, i missed out that error which incurred some losses.
anyway, my boss was understanding enough and since it's relatively a small amount, he's pretty cool about it.

but to me, its a big no no man.
i really dun like to be inefficient and now, its a big boo boo which directly transcends to monetary losses. not to mention the additional time taken to re-do and all. felt really disappointed with myself that i really want to go bang my head against the wall.


but anyway, i just want to be thankful coz its a lesson learnt.
thankfully the price i had (or rather, the company) had to pay isn't that scarily heavy.
so i then think of the Engineers who signs off planes everyday.
if one day i do become an lae, will i sign off blindly also?
i just hope that just because of today, i will rmbr this for life and not be complacent and assume that human error is just a textbook citing. hence the blogging to day to make memo that i've done this error.

the only proud thing is that after jokingly coming up with 1001ways to siam the truth from my boss, i just wanted and needed to let him know of this error. i mean, of course, in every situation, there are many ways to correctionfluid off w/o a noticeable trace. as with this case, i guess i was able to bear the  responsibility. but as i go on in the work, am I able to bear the weight of any similar errors being incurred? hahas. but yea, kudos to my integrity. my secondary sch has taught me well (sec sch's values are: Integrity Nobility Teamwork Excellence Graciousness Respect Independence Tolerance Yeomanship ). hahas. my head prefect would be proud of me.


anyway, its quite apt that i was called in for the appraisal today.
i'm actually quite pleasantly surprised because its quite positive. i dun think i'm a fast learner though. i would usually take a substantial amount of time to understand every freakin neccessary/unnecessary detail abt it. visualizing is just 1 part, but i'mma hands on learner. i need to do it to learn it. so in that sense, i dun think i'm a fast learner.
so anyway, it was a super down, to sudden back at equilibrium.
hahas. ok. anyway, thats the 4th 'anyway'... hahas.
i guess i should be proud of myself having being able to survive in a business setting. though its not that business-business in a politically challenging setting, its still a business setting after all. so amen to that.

Haha. And on a random note. My big big boss is freakin observant. I dont always see him, but today, he noticed that I've got new earrings! Haha. Mother poon bought them for me in hope that I can look more feminine.  Because of rugby, ive been loosing most of the 1 side of my earrings.. so finally a pair thats the same. But yea. He should go be an inspector. Hahaha. So observant!

so any oh how, the day went moderately well. and its always at such a space that i feel that possibility / risk of going up or down. neither up or down is going to be of any eventual good. so perhaps, just for now, i hope that i'm able to maintain and contain it on this line. i'm treading and i know u are too.
i just duno know how but i know that i cannot afford to take any more risk coz i can't... take it.
honestly, idk how to walk on this path any more. and one day, i hope to burn all these tangled wires strings. ahhas. dun play with wires.
i probably made a rash decision once again, but i hope in any case, it does provide you with some form of positivity. but since i've done it, i'll just let the clogged up pipe release again. its like a filter that needs to be changed. just thought of a case study.. about the FOHE (fuel oil heat exchanger) accident. ahahs. the airplane flies in super cold atmosphere for awhile, with ice crystals being formed. just one thrust of the engine, the ice crystals gets all pushed to the FOHE, and blocking the fuel line which led to the accident.
and all in all, it only required a simple design change to the FOHE from a flushed surface to something that's jagged and uneven so as to discourage ice from blocking the all the holes at one time.
maybe thats how life is as well.  we just need a simple modification to a complex problem.



we try to investigate everything, but just fail to look at the simplicity of things.




lastly, pls support my good ol friend's 3rd album! click here!
been a great fan of his music and his passion for Him.
his music never fails to speak to me. :D

24

happy 24th to me.

on my day, i brought my dad to work. and he's gg to acc me all the way.

mother poon never use emoticons. so, it was nice for her do that for me.

and to an ex-schmate who actually took so much effort to draw a card for me. hahas. this really looks like from a pri sch kid. but its really nice and i appreciate you alot. thanks!

and thank u to my no.1 couple friends who drove down to my house downstairs just before midnight to give me cup cakes, to give mother poon her mookata pot all the way from thailand, and pass me a huawei camera free phone, and also to jio me go supper.

to me, that really meant alot. 

prior to my bday, i was just really down.

i didnt want to do anything. 

i wanted to just drop by the open changi sea to watch planes land while soaking up the golden sunset. however, i didn't have time to do that, and i went to church instead.

well, that's probably part of my secret bday wish  which is probably 1/2 done... but i guess only time and faith will tear down the rest of the walls. 

anyways.

i think i'm super rash. in work, i dont have anyone to talk to.. only to the quality inspector who sits quite far away from me. #workwoes. but i can't share everything because i dont think she would understand anyways. so its just surface frustration being vented out and she too would do the same. 

so i've got another damaging outlet which is to............ send our resumes. ahhahas. each time i get frustrated, i send out a resume to a company. i dont care if i'm under qualified (required: either bachelor's deg + 3 yrs exp or Masters + 1 yr exp) or overqualified (required: min o levels or ITE cert), i just apply. anyhow write some stuff and apply. so far, about 4 (or many more) companies. i think i'm slowly tarnishing my name in this industry if i keep on doing this. 

but today, i received  an email from Boeing that my resume's being pending for consideration. ok, honestly, i hope it doesnt get through. i guess the prospects might be good, but my current job gives me a good vantage point and alot of exposure.

so much exposure that i'm probably sure that the relationship in the higher management side does have an impact on my dream/future/path. its probably an unspoken thing, but i.am.aware.ok. 

hahas. its not critical, but funny to a point.

3 of us bumped into 1 of him into the canteen. to me, it was a semi-awkward short meetngreet session, but it was enough for me to have confidence that my engineering dream in ec is near nil. 

anyways, i'm already making plans to move out into somewhere, but idk how and if its really feasible yet. in good faith, i've expressed my desire to my kind boss, but i dun think its going to get me anywhere anyway.

i just think this whole thing is just...tied up.

i mean like, why can't i just settle properly in my job right.

sometimes, i'm quite sad that my collegues are sucha good bunch of nice people. i mean if they are mean and politically evil, it gives me all the reason to leave. but because they are such nice people, not to mention the prospects of my position, its just so hard to let go. whats more, i think i'm doing semi-well, fine enough to carry out my duties. but sometimes i do wish that my i've got a better capability to do more.

patience man.

i just gotta learn to be more professional about it.

its no longer just about me and myself but those around me. 

i gotta know that whatever i'm doing, it effects many around me.

anyway,  today i played guitar for Service. and as always, it did felt so darn good. 

whats more, 'Man of Sorrows' was up in the songlist. (: damn shiok. and really thank God. its not by chance that songs that's been playing in ur heart gets chosen by someone else.

saw you today.

quite surprised to see u coz i do know that u haven't been attending regular. again, each time i see u, that corner of my heart just starts to lose its beat. somehow after all these yrs, it just affects me that the once-was-impt-date has no significance to you anymore. i didn't think i was expecting anything, but i guess on the account that i still treasure the friendship, i do wish for ur wishes. but oh wells. 

its. really. time. to. let. go. 

dun like to talk.in.punctuations. but i just need to emphasize it though grammatically, that's wrong usage. 

also, realized that i'm sucha a boxed-up person.

been collecting pretty leftover mooncake boxes.

i like boxes. i like stuff that keeps things inside. and looking at my messed up room, it's filled with empty boxes (like shoeboxes and stuff) , thousands of bags and waterbottles. 

my secret fetish.

maybe that's how i am.

i just like to close myself up. 

i like to contain myself.

i like to mask the mess with pretty surfaces. 

there's a word to describe such a person, but i can't rmbr it. closet? idk. who cares. 

i can't let it go. :/

haha. maybe as a form of therapy, i should start burning all of them one by one. 

lastly, each time i complete my last ride home, i'd look at the empty benches under the shelter, and then to the empty bike lots. the dim yellow lights and motionless shadows. that emptiness. that void. and then, i force myself to brush off all those thoughts, hopes and illusions aside. 

its just so difficult. i've been doing so much to do so little and yet so much. 

i should be thankful that at least, i guess, whatever best u think u are doing is helping any one of us in any case. maybe its all still in negative light, but if all these are moving in somewhat a direction that how it should be, then i guess i should really force myself to adapt all over again.

i didn't expect this struggle to be at sucha depth, and i guess i've been should be doing well; but let's just let me off this night by blogging it out. 

i reallly really...

and so. 24 yrs.

half of it was about you, (*gasps!* didn't know its been THAT long. sheesh.)

and unfortunately, still about u. 

the last bit made everything more complex and awaking to some extent. 

so what's gonna be in the next 1 yr? the next 6 yrs? the next 12 yrs? the next 24 yrs?

i probably need to start getting out of my comfort zone. it's really 'as always', but this time, its not just about instinctive adaption, but with a mindful and conscientious effort to start making that change for the better - also to just help myself and those around.

looking at where i am today,

i've got so much negative comments.

i just felt that i was so much at a positive side of the road 3/4 down. however, at this point, i'm filled with disappointments and probably with a certain level of disgust at my attitude and discipline.

ok, to give myself some credit, not all is lost.

my peripheral vision is probably wider, and hence the range of considerations and room for arguments. horizons are broadened, but only to allow in more attributes to the tangled up wires.

ok. good night.

i'm tired.

  

trying

i think its ironic that while trying to push for a program / scheme to motivate employees, i feel so not motivated in the process. it just takes that one person to bring u down.


safety can't be compromised right.
and lapses in quality occur when everyone is tired and so on.
anyway, to cut the short, it all voice down to safety which can also transcend to cost savings.

anyway, i'm just glad that i've got the bigger support i need despite having that 1 negative person around.




as we continue on with life, its just a trying process.
sometimes we just have to keep on trying and trying.
i mean at this stage, with the experiences from much falls and failures, i think its easy to stand up and try again coz by then, we're all supposed to have learnt to be resilient right. i mean its also because, u wont know the outcome until you try again right.

however, what if you know that its going to be the negative outcome. do you still try?
is it a different ball game altogether?
honesty, i dun want it to be another chicken-or-egg question pls.
you wont know until you try right
true that. but how true man..




but anyways.
steady.
the days are getting busier by the min and i dun even have time to reply emails. its quite scary. coz in all the jobs that i've done in my life, this is the first job that since i started, i haven't got time to play a game in my phone. ok. maybe like 3 or 4 rounds of candy crush 2 months ago when i was pretty down in the office. the only breather time i get is during the 10-15 mins travelling time i get travelling to and fro from office to airport. sometimes i'm even doing work in the car on my laptop. but most of the time, i make it a point to either help my colleague clear his candy crush level or just close my eyes for awhile. either those, or i'd be looking out at my window.. to see the loyang trees and that short stretch of the open sea and clouds. on good days, i'd be seeing planes landing, with their landing lights fully shinning brightly even in the bright sky.

i just want to forget everything and start getting close to the planes again. most of the stuff that i'm doing is inside the plane. however, i do miss the structures much. really. its a so close yet so far feeling.
each time i drive past planes, especially those 744s when i go to the airside from the other entrance, i do miss the so many things.


today i pass by JulietSierraOscar. its the first plane that i sat in the cockpit to watch and learn how towing is being done. i still rmbr that it was a beautiful Sunday morning after quite an eventful night shift where we did engine wash and learnt alot of things along the way. it's those golden yellow kind of sunrise that in its feat to warm up the mornings after a cold night, it makes all the hardwork worthwhile.
i like night shifts just because of such morning moments.



anyways.
back to earth, its all about business now. ok, i think i've said before, but i'm just glad that i'm still dealing with aircraft-related stuff.

hahad. for this week.. had to do a morning briefing for all staff every morning... trying to cover every single one.. hundreds and hundreds of them. i'm really not a morning person but i guess i just have to do it. really thank God for those good ol' poly presentation experiences ahhas. always jittery. and i'm still jittery. just that its totally a different level now. its not just about presenting well to get the msg across, but before you let our every word from you mouth, u gotta be sure that it gets certified with an ARC cert with ur brain first before it gets released.
what kind of expectations are u building? what kind of interpretations are u inviting? what kind of ppl are u affecting? what are the implications? the choice of words is also one big chunk of the pie.
and its wierd because i've worked with some of them before in a different setting with a different hierarchical ... erm.. 'formation / placement ?' and some of them are my senior sch mates while in the aviation sch. i really cannot swallow this whole framework properly.


i just hope that wherever i'm going with its, its going into positive light.
small steps first. but i sincerely hope that this can bring about a big change. i've giving it 1 yr first.

ok. i just find it very encouraging on myself that no doubt, i've still got my doubts on this path that i'm taking that is slowly veering off my engineering goal, i'm that disciplined enough to really give my best in whatever i do.
hence, whenever i get negative ppl telling me otherwise, i do feel the pinch though i shouldn't be susceptible to any negative distractions like such.
ok. the good thing is that i guess its not done with an intention to hurt or bring anyone down, but just a matter of weighing the consequences that can affect the whole profit and loss margins. its just that i cannot understand y can't u see the link. not enough out-of-office experiences perhaps? idk. just saying.

 But I really dun like it when u say its because of the 'opportunity' that I know how to do certain things. Things like microsoft access and excel, I'm well versed with it not because I was given the opportunity to learn..But because I forced myself to self-learn the ropes during my poly days. The sch can only teach u so much. This rest is because I took out the time and effort to go into the depth.. and its not just 'not everyone has that opportunity'. I mean I dun want to go into the details here. But im just.. disguested that in most of the things, u just like to attribute it to all the external factors but oneself. This is just one situation that made me pretty frustrated with u today. In many situation, Ive really tried to be patience.. I hope to increase my level for tolerance.. So if ive become a highly patience person one day, the credit really all goes to u.

On a good note, I'm gg to tp for a meeting and to see the engineering sch's aerosoace facility! :D realllly happpppy to be back in sch especailly when ive got some 成就. Haha. Dk if its the right chinese word or not.

anyways. just glad that i've got ppl to talk to.
and its also funny that the people i can really talk to are those that i've worked before with in the other company.
aiya. i just think the Aviation industry is sucha big but yet small and tight industry.
u'll never know who u're gonna be working with the next day. one day, u're colleagues. and even though after many changes and round abouts, u're probably gg to back in the same place again.

Haha. Oh ya. One more thing. Someone said this to me seriously "dont worry u wont fall. Ive got you". Hahaha. Actually its my physio. hahahha.. Coz he's supposed to do adjustments for my back which requires me to be at e edge of the bed. Though it was said out of professional duty, as a girl, it felt v comforting especially for this few weeks. Haha. 

Well, despite all the hustle and bustle, i find it emotionally challenging just these few days. i think i know y, but i choose to shun away for all the thoughts that could lead up to.... actions that's really uncalled for.

sad because i can't be happy, but happy coz i can't be sad.

sounds rhetorically trying to act one philosophical 一个.... but whenever i try to step out, i am forced to step back in again.


so, whats your decision today?

flower

just came back from a wake.
my friend's father passed away.

i dun really know her dad personally, but when the eulogy was being said, i did feel some little buggish sensations crawling through my inner  bones. It was weird because i wasn't sad or anything... neither was i thinking of my dad. so apparently, i guess there's this scarred area in e unknown depth in my..... erm.. heart or smth, never explored but always there.
so before i allow the flood gates of my tear glands explode, i looked around to find some form of distraction.

Oh yea.before that, I went to the wrong blk for the wake. Haha. I just turned into the right street and blk and when I saw the funeral set up, I confidently thought that its my friend's dad's one. But when I got closer, I realized I knew no one. Haha. So I msged one of my friends then realized that I was at the wrong blk! Heing I nv go and sit down at e table. Hahhas. My McDonalds delivery insticts have failed me. Ive forgotten rule no.1 - never assume that u are at the right block unless u visually it verify with big number that u see on the block / at e lift or letterbox. Hahahs.

too many deaths happening man.

Recently, I heard that my friend also passed away. I was shocked! Not a close friend, but same batch mate during our cisco trng days. He always finds me to rant and all... even when we got split up to different terminals. So when I heard he passed away due to cancer, damn sad la. 

Anways, back at it.... 

and so i was looking at........ flowers.
all these wreaths with many pretty flowers. dun mean to be disrespectful, but all these flowers will be burnt away into ashes.



i'm never the type of person who knows how to appreciate flowers like how many girls do. but when i've ever received a flower before, i undeniably do feel pleasantly happy though i think its never monetarily justifiable. i never thought that flowers are practical because they serve no beneficial purpose and eventually wither, dry up and die; other than providing esthetical value for a short period of time. but ok, i guess the gesture of giving someone a flower generates the socially cultivated feeling of feeling appreciated and loved. This one was after one of my dance performances... it did made me felt like i've done a great job on stage though i still rmbr making some mistakes.. hahas.

i just think its amazing one 1 stalk of once-lived and soon-to-die piece of nature can make a difference. 

flowers.

for the appreciation

for the valentines day gift.

for the marriages.

for the deaths.

for the formalities.

for the aesthetics.

for the fragrance.

for the company.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet"

- Shakespeare 

its spoken by Juliet.. if i rmbr correctly, when she was talking to Romeo abt their whole family name issues and stuff. 

i did Romeo and Juliet as my literature study in sec 2... and i rmbr topping the level for the lit paper that Part 1 was on Poetry, and Part 2 was about the R&J book. i dun write that well as compared to my other convent girlfriends who can really paint a beautiful picture just by using words. but i do remember  that it was the content of my essays and the way i did my interpretations allowed me to score well and my lit teacher was v proud of me for that. ahas. (Hence the business marketing person i am now. hahas)

anyways, i'm not going on about Literature. ahha. actually still quite shocked that i changed my humanities combi of Core Geography + Elective Literature to Core Literature + Elective Geography. kinda regretted after i made that decision coz my classmates were learning more about the earth, land and clouds, while i was learning more about Shakespeare's weird English and eccentric thought processes. hahas. but oh wells. all part of my life journey i guess. probably also the cause of complicated me. ahhaha

okok.. back to the point..

i just think flowers are amazing because in its simplistic form, they can mean anything. As long as we present 1 for the occasion, the logicial rationale / reasoning / norm will all fall into place accordingly without having to make any explanations or whatsoever.

but yea, as a girl, its nice.

from a marketing point of view, its just another opportunity for Price Discrimination.

as a business person, its just another opportunity to jack up its worth, how ever we want it to be. 

but i guess if i studied Sociology, i would be writing a long post about how the social mass media gives meaning to something that's nothing. 50c cost price = $10 selling price and so on. 

anway, today, i've got a new best friend who keeps me company 24/7. this friend helps me in the time of need, provides me with whatever info i need, follows me wherever i go, links me up with my friends, responds to me when i'm lonely and even sleeps with me. hahahhahas. 

Tadah.......

hahahas. i discovered the usage of S Voice of my s4. hahahhashahahhas. i dont think its useful la. coz typing and all would still be faster and more accurate. but ... i didnt expect it to respond in ways that it is now. hahas. my friends and i were just playing with the functions and funny to get all these responses. ahhas. (the blue one is the phone's responses. ahhhaahs)

Anyway... just wanna say that no. 1 most proudest thing i ever done in my life was to pass my 2B bike and own sparky.

coz today i was able to go blk 85 to buy food for mother poon. was looking around thinking what to get for her other than e usual stuff.. so.. i got her the usual stuff and with my daughterly instincts, i got tang yuan for her. When i got home... mother poon looked at me and said "aiya, i forgot to ask u buy tang yuan. Feel like drinking some warm soup now" whoas. At that moment, i felt likka champion can. Hahahahaas. World's no.1 daughter. Hahhaha. Totally deserve a medal for that feat. Ahhah.

sometimes... actually no. most of the time, i think my heart's too sensitive. Hence, i do things like that. I.e.. making the same decisions or taking the same actions as someone close to me though we are physically miles apart, nv communicating anything abt it. Call it telepathy or what, but i call it freaky....

period

my consolation

Lunch timeeeeeee

Feeling likka little lone fighting soldier.

My only subtle consolation is that if u're actually able to see what im doing now, u'd me proud of me. And in that, I take it as an encouragement.

And also, I know that if my dad is still working, he'd be gg around boasting about his daughter/ halfson.

problems

its been a long work wk.
and from the looks of it, i might need to be going down off office hours and even on wkends.  if its shift, its fine. but this is on top of the normal 8-530.
i guess i can and should claim OT, everyone but this one person doesn't look too happy. i shouldn't be bothered with him alrdy la. there's so many things we can't agree on. and most of the time, i don want to say i'm right or who's wrong / right, but if we bring in a 3rd person view and its inclined towards my reasoning, does that make more sense?!


anyway. this month is counting down to a deadline of a project.
i'm not looking forward to it coz there's so many things not done.


u know, if you're not prepared and just say that u're not prepared, i can accept that.
or, if u say u're prepared and then not prepared towards e deadline, i also can learn to accept that.
but, if towards e deadline u say u're prepared, and then suddenly, be all shocked of the deadline that's been clearly agreed and planned long ago, and say its a no-go, i think that is an issue.
what.are.the.implications.
are you even thinking?

i'm really in a position.
but, i'm just glad that i've got good big bosses to back me up and support me.




was quite frustrated after the meetings.. so i wrote and email and send to myself since my co's server dun allow blogger or any other social streams.






Dear Marian,

As you’ve realized, what u’ve been observing is indeed true. But, it’s not that people want to ‘not pre-empt problems’. But it’s a culture issue. Its becoming a norm that people wait for problems to surface first before trying to solve a problem. And now, the secondary problem is the problem of people setting into the norm of being ‘unable to solve the problem’, i.e a substantial amount of time before they actually solve a problem because :

1)    It’s becoming a habit in thinking that time will solve the problem on its own or rather;

2)    The problem becomes ‘eradicated’ because its been forgetten (which in some /most cases, it comes back to haunt us)

3)    We keep thinking that other people will solve the problem for us

4)    We have lost that confidence in problem solving without the support for supposedly responsive staff

5)    After everything, we have lost confidence in believing of what we are really capable of

6)    And ultimately, we loose that passion to drive and seek improvements not only for the company, but for ourselves.



And so you see, the problem, to begin with, starts right from the beginning with – we don’t plan. We don’t pre-empt the problems. We wait for the problems to come and find us because:

1)    We think we don’t have the time to solve the problem

2)    ‘Its not necessary at this point of time’

3)    We won’t know the problem until we meet with the problem (like duh. Hence we always say ‘if you fail to plan, u plan to fail.’)

4)    ‘Aiya, textbook case la, wont happen’ you say.

5)    We don’t see the problem leh.



So all in all, its just a vicious cycle that will keep coming back to haunt us. We mask ourselves with a thin breakable foam of comfort by saying, its ok. But honestly its not. Its because it’s a fact that all these (to simply put it..) delayed actions, transcends to a big failure to optimize what we have, leading to time, man, resource losses; and the ultimate thing we lose is the money involved, along with the individual deep inert drive and spirit  to boost revenue. It just becomes another ‘oh we failed to meet the target’, ‘it can’t be done’ issues. All flawed. All white lies. Ok, that’s sounds too hard, but that’s really a fact if right from the start, we’ve failed to analyze the risks and the measurements for long term sustainability.

All these looses will lead up to bigger external losses that money can’t buy: time for family, time for bonding, time for a time to relieve the pressure / stress that has been built up upon because of…. ourselves. Something that not many can or want to identify or acknowledge with.



And so, pls don’t tell me its ‘textbook stuff’. Not all stuff in the textbook is just textbook stuff. These books are written by professionals with experiences. Of course, as what all economist would use to defend themselves… ceteris paribus, there’s never really a ideal time and space in which one can dictate actions and say that it’s the best. I mean there is, but with the resource we have, sometimes to find that equilibrium or line of best fit is almost impossible. ‘it’s the best’ only to be used after u’ve put in the effort to pre-identify the stumbling blocks before we stumble upon them and blame everyone else but ourselves. But look, the ‘text book’ stuff are happening. Its just that  you can’t see the link. Its not a direct link, so you might need to like find the link / see it as a reflection though its not a perfectly symmetrical case study.



We fall. But let’s acknowledge the fall and more importantly, draw out lessons learnt. Not just business lessons, but life lessons.

Learning also means to not repeat it, but instead, seek better ways for correction, improvement and growth.




Best regards,
Marian
xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxx xxxxx xxx xxx  













all u need is some love man. hahas.



i mean i can't totally deny myself of all those. in fact, i'm just damn fearful that i fall into that mode. to begin with, i dun even have the confidence. i just have that bit of drive, enough to make me do my job fast and well. sustainability is another issue.







i really dk how long i can last.
if its not the for fact that i'm still dealing with aircrafts and my job involves alot on improving the stuff in the cabin (though no main structure), idk how else i can hang on. also, with all the very nice bosses who takes good care of me, minus that failed teamwork issue of me and that one collegue plus the lucky fact that we can have that workiswork friendisfriend  attitude, its not that bad after all.

still, been speaking to lotsa engineers and i feel abit awkward that some of them have long yrs of engineering experience and are in the same position as me. pay-wise of course is a big difference i think. i'm not saying my position is big or what, but its in the more or less part of the management role and stuff. i just feel inadequate most of the times and honestly, i dun think they have to go a big round to get to the position i'm at? i still want to repair airplanes someday. perhaps not now because of the prospects, its not my time.


maybe after a few yrs, with some money saved, i can go overseas and get a license or smth. i mean yea, i can do the caas papers now right. ahhas. idk i'm so bent on not doing the caas papers on my own. i guess i'm just stubborn coz i do want that trng included, and i'm not willing to spend $80 x about 12 on mcq exam papers that i dont have materials to study from. $80 1 paper. some papers only 15 mcq. so its liike $5 for one q. siaow.  every qns i do is like.... eating 1 bowl of ban mian - 15 times. that's about 2-3 wks lunch money for 1 paper can.

and i'm still saving up for a bike by the end of this yr. from the looks of it, i think only can by nxt yr end. want to take up driving lessons also no money, no time go down and make the opening booking and all.





i really dun like work life.
now that i dun have much intense trngs coz season hasn't started, i can be in the office till like 8 9pm. its like working 5 12 hr shifts with 2 semi off days (because u're gonna have to bring back unfinished work)
i mean i can dun work so hard. but if i dun finish the never ending tasks, its gona pile and pile and pile and delay like mad.






was riding home, thinking about my life and then you.
it was so bad that instead of changing the gear up, i accidentally dropped the gear.
omg. can u imagine such a feeling for the engine. that suddenly dropppp. felt so hurt for sparky. hahas.

but yea. i'm supposed to be excited coz its sept and its the bday month of the year.
my bday is coming soon and i'm really not looking forward to it. looking forward to it means moving closer to the deadline as well.
i still need a day to go lepak one korner. hahas. look at planes. catch fireflies. watch the waves.
hahas. i used to do that before alone with sparky. but now i dun even have the time.








i dont deserve a break now though.
but i need a break through.
right here, right now.
amen.

adjustments

hi.


nothing much really.
its the phasing into the life of a working adult, while trying to manage your sports, friends, expectations and so on.



the lesson learnt from the wk is again, about expectations.
as usual, the work load gets more... and as more responsibilities gets thrown to me, i have to set my ego aside and acknowledge the weight of it.


honestly, i do feel incapable, but at the same time, i try want to produce the best results which add ins more difficulties along the way. call me stubborn or what, but i rather i do it well all the way, or not do it at all. and yes, that comes with management of expectations. yes we can and should have a goal, even a mindfully perfectionistic one, but we cannot expect it to go it according to the way we think its right because what we think, can never be the perfect permutation.


anyway. today no trng. coz the national girls are up in Kazhakstan for the world cup qualifier. though they lost to the kazhaks, they beat hk to remain in Div 1! so proud of them.
they've been trng hard for these 2 months, some sacrificing all the tests/exams/work and all... but glad that they're created good memories!
so,  after church, went ikea with eve and her mum, then went to her house. brought my work laptop to do work can. can't believe my life is so tied down to work. i needachange.
eve was clearing her cupboard, so she gave me some clothes. hoping to find some stuff that i could at least wear to go to work... but i couldnt. hahas. but... i managed to take a black office-ish jacket. (:


painted my nails with nail polish she didn't want...
massively tried on many girly tops. ...
and with a subtle honesty, i do wish to be like those normal girls on the street. its not that i think i'm outstanding, but idk y i can't behave or think like a normal girl. i never thought this could be a problem until...... this year.
its quite wierd that at this age, i'm facing such a trivial issue. when i was in my teenage years, i'm more confident of the person i was. idk if i've changed to make a reasonable comparison, but i'm alittle afraid that this trivial issue could lead up to more issues that can just affect me and my emo-tions.
haha. actually, idk what i'm saying.


going back to square 1, i wear clothes that are comfortable. period. ok, maybe, these clothes have to represent me.
so perhaps, i'm trying to be someone i want to be?
omg. lets not go on with this. i just think that addressing this is just childish and pathetic to a point. ahhas.


anyways, last wk, accidentally met up with 2 course mates at changi v.
was otw home while i met them, and we talked from like 8pm till 1 am?!
it was funny coz we never really talked alot in the poly days coz we're never in the same class. just normal hi-bye friends. but in TP Marketing, we have this close feeling amongst all the coursemates though we're distant. we shared about our lives. about our views. about our future.
honestly, it felt really soooo long that i could be that comfortable talking about anything and everything.
and of course, we covered the area of... relationships.

both of them have girlfriends, and somehow, it relates to me feeling it easy for me to be myself.
maybe because of my past, i'm weary of guys.
i guess because my dad plays with me the most in my growing years, it may have lead up to me being tomboyish despite mother poon's efforts in sending me to ballet classes and so on. so to me, its always easier talking to guys coz they're more straight to the point, unlike girls who go around and around and may/ may not even reach their point. and i guess, that gives me a marginal gap for misunderstandings and so on. really do wish that i'm a guy at times.

previously, i've got close guy friends whom i really treat them like good ol' bros, nothing more. but when it becomes something more, one-sided (any side), it becomes complicated and the friendship starts to hit the rocks. most of the time, it just saddens me alot that after one of the side expresses his/her additional feelings, the friendship seems to crumble and unable to go back to where we can both be comfortable. and its just very sad coz eventually, u loose that friend totally. not once, not twice, but so many times that it becomes an outlet of fear.

so when guys have gfs, i feel more comfortable to just talk and be myself and not let it go off course.
the 2 guys made me discover that. hahahas.
ahhas. they also shifted the blame on my Sparky too. hahas. because i've got a bike, no guys can walk me to the bus stop, send me home and so on. ahahas. quite funny when we started throwing in all the scenarios. the issue they brought up was about guys and their ego. imagine if i have a bf who dont have a bike or a car,  am i able to send him home? can his ego take it? ahhahhas. so, they established that the no. 1 citeria for my bf is to have a bike thats bigger than sparky, or a car. hahahs. stupid, but not really that stupid; they admitted that they cannot imagine their gfs sending them home and all, and not sure if their ego can take it. ahhas. really appreciate them for their honesty. ahhahas. it was hilarious.  sad but true.  but i guess i still love sparky.  because of him, i'm being saved from many awkward moments or unnecessary opportunities.



so going on to another level, i think i'm too much of a practical person to just let things go and enjoy life.



maybe its my perfectionistic / opportunistic self that made me to want to optimize anything and everything.  and hence, along the way, i have subconsciously let my selfish ways dictate my actions. however much, it still to protect me coz of the fears that i can identify with though they can't really be tangiblize to reasons that i can explain.


after these.. 2 wks or more of reflections, maybe this is really the way it should be coz i dont deserve anything if i'm unwilling to let go of the chains and shackles that have restricted my heart.
if i'm not ready, i shouldn't even be thinking about it or giving it that grey room for any potential developments.  i realize that i've got many issues that i've been in denial with; and with these 2 wks of slience, i have to admit and acknowledge these denials that have become major block roads for something better. if i'm unable to let go and drop all these baggages to walk forward while stepping over all these hurdles, then i think i dont deserve anything. not even the friendship. not even the time. not even the technical know-hows.

its never been easy for these few months. but at least on the bright side, it has force me to come to terms with my fears and scars. at this moment,  its not that i  want to run away, but i have to. to protect me, to protect you, whatever, coz i have to note that it shouldn't matter anymore.
instead of getting hurt myself, i dont have to hurt u anymore.

this has probably been the agreement right from the start, just that we wanted it at different moments of a common timeline, hence, all the struggles, all the ups, all the downs.
its just been too tough even with all the actions - taken / untaken, that we think its best.
too many stuff that i wanna say to you and i know that if i continue on typing, and sinking into thoughts of you, i'll start breaking that seal, say stuff that i shouldn't say, and then go back to sq 1.

yea, i've got many friends. too many.
just ytd, while having dinner at holland v, i saw at least 5 ppl i know. its freaky to that extent coz it feels that i'm being watched whereever i go.
but u know, i do feel lonely. i have learnt to deal with it especially for these 7 yrs along with your departure by neglecting it with work, trngs, and tasks to do.
it has worked. it will work. and it should continue to work.





really, i dont want to keep on adding loads to my baggage that i'm unwilling to carry.
i need to learn to let go. be free. be happy.
i need to stop thinking. stop wandering.
i need to focus on my God because only He never fails.


and i just hope that you are well,
and tt u'll find someone whom can really make you happy forever.
again, much apologies for all the ups and downs i've caused. i know my place and should haven known it earlier. just to let you know that these 2 wks.......... hasnt' been easy. but i sincerely hope that it has been ok for you and that you wont be reading this.
i hope that time can heal all the wounds though i've lost confidence in the power of time.
i just need to learn to make my disciplined adjustments and get of out this black hole that have caused so so much hurt not only to myself, but to everyone around me.



and i only know that i can do it with God's strength;
nothing will stand against me because i am a child of God.

National Geographic's Photo of the Day

by Avani Agarwal, using an iphone.

"It was a clear and beautiful day as I took off from San Francisco Airport heading eastbound," says Your Shot contributor Avani Agarwal, who spotted the plane's shadow while taking in the city from a window seat. "At first I thought it was another airplane, or some figment of my imagination," Agarwal says, "but I quickly realized it was my airplane's shadow and furiously grabbed for my camera," an iPhone.

out of focus

Before I make a left turn to my room, I’ll always look at this photo, looking at how she has grown up, still with that inquisity and not knowing what lies ahead of her. From barbie dolls to power rangers to bicycles to motorbikes and now to aircrafts, she’ll never really know what’s gonna be like for the journey ahead. But one thing she know is that while holding God’s hand and letting Him be her pilot, she’ll never go off course, she’ll never walk alone.

looking at that photo, that eyes full of questions, full of uncertainty. 

and somehow, its without fear, but with subtle excitement and anticipation.

and now, where have all that courage gone? where's the patience? where's that mind of limitless possibilities?

sprained my right hand today during the friendly. i think its the middle / 4th finger area so its affecting my grip. 

and so, it got me thinking, imagine if i'm an fully fledged engineer now, my hands are my ricebowl. if anything should happen to them, it would mean an end to my career. 

last week, some of us were talking about how rugby can affect your career and vice versa. in the scene, we've got doctors, dentists, pilots, people on bonds / scholarships and so on. 

most of them, while attaining their certs in their respective fields have unwillingly gave up rugby because of the demands, or rather, the basic requirements of their jobs which is just to have a completely functioning well body. 

a few of them have taken the risk, an obviously miscalculated one since nothing is predictable. 

passion? career? family? money? 

haven't been focused.

i'm here, but never really here.

idk whats becoming of me

idk what's happening

and idk y all these its happening.

i gotta learn to take it all down likka man. like how we train to tackle our opponents during rugby trngs.

i'm not confident of my capability.

i feel very inadequate.

i can't find that discipline.

i'm stubborn and i want to learn.

but i'm not letting go.

i really dislike myself

but i can't coz i know God made me.

at this point of time, i have no idea how i made it through the past 23 yrs of my life.

its never smooth sailing, but i do rmbr how i can take up challenges and face it sufficiently well to be who i am today. but today, i can't seem to grasp any concepts of strengths. i dun want to think that i'm trying to tangibilize nor to proove everything to be logical, but to be honest, i am afraid. i'm so so afraid. 

and what's even more terrifying, i dun even know what i'm afraid of. is it because that my ego has masked all humanity or heart? or that all the negative experiences, instead of building me, has destroyed all kind of hope?

its like trying to say, i dont know what's right and wrong anymore.

one thing i do know is that whenever i'm far from God and trying to rely / work for Man, i feel like this. 

especially when i've said yes to gg for Mission Trip this year end. the devil always try to bring us away from what God want us to do. but right now, i can't be sure if its really is that, or just me being filled with negativity, selfishness, and without faith and hope.

i cant seem to just get out of this pit.

i dont even know what matters anymore. 

and lastly...

i recieved an email from my dad's email account, being taken over by mother poon.

mother poon is tech savvy for her age, but not to a point of sending me an email - what more, an aviation related email.

but to double confirm, i asked her if she send me any email... she said no.

ok. that's damn freaky can.

what's more freaky is that its about my fav 747, as well as my dad's fav plane.

ok daddy. this is 7mth. pls dun chut this kind of pattern lehs. but yea, its a good article about engines and icing probs. but still........

Sept.

This is difficult.
I'm tired of living.

No, this is not a suicidal note.
For I still wanna do a part in saving others before I die.

I'm here
But never really here.

Wake me up
When september ends.