for ur entertainment.

aching whole day today.
work was tiring.

trng. been so long since i've gone into contact, and when i go in, its like.. damn afraid.
quite disappointed in myself. i mean like, whats up man.
fml loh like that.


so after trng, we had to ramdomly pick out a room number and find out who's our roomies.

and i mean like, dont have to be so obvious right.
i'm there, still there, still very present.
i guess amongst all the hyped up and high atmosphere, and me being really chillax and tired about the world, i was able to pick out stuff. its either u/u guys totally couldn't help but to forget to hide and just expressed out ur very first initial true expressions, or u can just label me as being sensitive after reading this.
seriously! it was damn obvious if u didn't know. just saying.



i'm still human though i know u guys dont really care.
and u know, i've tried. i've really put aside my ego and try.
i've tried to strike out conversations with u guys.
i've tried to clear up things and try and find some opportunities to clear out whatsggon.
but each time when i genuinely open my mouth, everyone ignores me. and i mean like, i'm pretty sure u can hear my voice, not that i'm speaking too softly. and i just totally get ignored. i repeat my qns again, get ignored, and give up.


why do i even bother trying so hard?!
for what?
u misunderstand me, i'm the one who gets the shit and has to clear up the shit without u guys even trying?
haha. i think u guys dun even bother since it becomes another topic of gossip.

and really, i'm actually.... shocked (if its the right word) to know that such things can still happen arnd when we're past 21; one person gets misuderstood, and without any clarifications, deep assumptions are made (after much discussion. and then, the gossips gets spread out of the circle and the hatred just intensify. and w/o thinking of ur initial friend, u continue indulge in ur new form of entertainment while she just keeps quiet about it. i guess those words are abit too strong, but for me, it feels that way since we really did have really hard great fun memories in touch.


i'm blogging this out because i want to be heard.
and probably, one of u will be reading it. and i wont deny and act as if u wont read it/ blog as if to fix things up.
at this point, i dont really care.



WHAT DID I FREAKIN DO TO DESERVE THIS????


i think i kinda know, because w/o any comms with u guys, i'm just gg into assumptions just like how u guys are treating me.
and honestly. even if i start pursuing the friendships again, is it gg to be worth it when i'm only the one making the effort when u guys are just enjoying the whole subject of gossip again and again? i mean like ask urselves, are there any one day when u're with ur friends u dont talk badly about other ppl?
and reallly. i really dont think its worth the chase if u guys are just gg to shun me away and continue to ignore me like that.


just a reminder, if u are just cautious about ur friend, she's not ur friend. u know one day she's gg to harm u, again.
and the best is, GET OUT OF THE WAY.


i'm not that weak u know.
and i'm not that strong.

i'm not that weak because i know all these are just secondary and i should focus my strength and energy on other more positive things. and i know i'm not that strong because i still care how u guys think of me and where's the friendship gg to.


if u want me to be a bitch, i can.
but i wont.
because i know i have my principles and i shouldn't act below my age and make God so disappointed.
i haven't been faithful and living by the realms of the outside world. and instead of being salt and light for God, i'm just too concerned over such trivial matters, worldly issues and me. i want to pull myself out of this whole struggle and give up.


i've thought of quitting the sport though its just that few who are affecting me as a person; or maybe change club? my friends are all over there! ):
but either or, its just betryal, and i've got soo much roots with Blacks. should have ignore my poly touch coach, be rebellious and just directly join Blacks when i wanted to in 2002. things would be soooo much different for me now.



idk. i've said my piece.
done my part.



all i've left is to go out and really enjoy and learn from the trip, reminding myself that i should focus on appreciative and sincere ppl. i really dont think i should let u guys make the journey shit for me since i know there are so many others who are worth the time and effort.
so for those ppl, i thank u for not being plastic and i will want to enjoy my time with u.


this post abit long for u to print screen (apple+shift+3), so just copy and paste its fine with me. or u can apple+shift+4 to selectively print the paragraphs as reference for ur topic of gossips.
hahahs. ok, i'm being a sarcastic bitch here... but ok luh. just for the fun of it. hahhahas.




time to move on and forget it! (: