i made it by 0.01!!

jang jang jang! results came out on 17 June and I MADE IT!!!!!!! i got my 2nd upp by 0.01!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  some of you guys know that the fight was real man. if i had 1 A-, i'd grad with 3.98. 

in this final sem, EAS499 is the capstone FYP and for the last 2 cohorts, the highest was A-. ICT133 and ICT162 are python mods. i had 0 prog knowledge to begin with and students have trouble clearing ICT133. So initially, i was just aiming to pass it or smth. it was really all out or nothing.

at first i was like.. ok, just try my best for my FYP, then we see how the programming mods go.

then after my TMA submissions and results, i realized, eh, actually can fight for A eh. then left with capstone. coz to get A is really almost impossible. wah. i really got ppl from the industry to support my fyp and i really pushed it max. the vid presentation do until power power.. edit until like better than my travel vlogs. hahahas 

so after both the exams and capstone presentation, i felt like ok.... good job sportspoon. even if i dont get my 2nd upp, its ok. coz i really gave my ultimate best so if really have to 3.98, u can regret about your situation and not about ur efforts. hahahahs. i mean i think if i didnt' fail Analogue in yr 1, my GPA will be 4.13, and i wouldnt need to fight until like this for this final sem.

the night before 17 June, i was damn apprehensive. i kept checking my email, in case they send early or smth. hahah. u know its like, sometimes u put in so much effort ah, u know that it's gg to turn out well kind. even if it doesn't turn out well, u know that u're gg to be proud of the effort u've put in kind. this is just so so so great. its been awhile since i'm this happy. and if you can see below, other than the first sem, i'm always below 4.0. 

so yea. what's even more surprising is i got A+ for python OOP. wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. from struggling to pass to this. but i really practiced the lab 2-3 times each. i even crashed other tutorials online lect just to see other ways of programming a qns. also thanks to COVID and CB period, i was at home all day coding. no trngs or distractions or whatsoeva. i even had abit of night time to watch netflix. ahahhs


so really, thank God! its really by God's grace. i mean the prog mods are really by sheer effort. but the capstone project ah... its really by His Grace. this kind of open ended qns ah... want to score A is u really need that bit of grace. but this is really alot of grace.

i'm so happy until now like i'm scared abit coz everytime i'm happy, something's gg to happen.. or like taken away from me.  hmm. one of the disappointing note is that i realized, i forgot to apply my moe bursary for this Jan semester. i applied for this coming Jul sem, thinking that it was for the Jan sem. so its about $1k gone. govt also changed this from the former $675 to $1280..... from moe bursary to aka Higher Education Bursary. wasted uh. like if only this amount is like this in year 1. could have saved so much money. but yea. thank God the money struggles are over too. no more sch fees to pay after grad.


recently, i've also been thinking about u more again. i wonder how are u.. or like would u be proud of me and all. mehhhhhhhhhhhhh. but the good thing is, this year round, i really feel that i've moved out of the darkest pits. i'm fine with those memories and missingyous coz they dont haunt me like they did. they're just thoughts. good and bad thoughts that made me who i am today. i'm really proud of myself for coming this far coz i dont have to fear disappointing anyone. i'm enjoying this freedom and like, the only person who can look down on myself and no one else. :) its really a good year.

on a side note, we're in Phase 2 of CB now. and that means can makan outside. somemore, this wkend is father's day. lets just hope there's no phase 2 covid. pls continue to be kiasee ppl, bcoz i think that's one of the most effective reasons that singapore can do well in such pandemic.

okok byesssss. :)

annyeong, my name is 마리안

hi, my name is  마리안.
haha. wait, let me explain later.

haha. lol. ok. FYP presentation last thurs went really well.
in my life, i've never practiced for a presentation so seriously before. last time poly days, chiong report, and finish ppt slides like 10mins b4 presentation and then go in straight for presentaion with full on business attire infront of real-industry clients.

this time its not as 'scary', but i guess coz of my expectations, i unnecessarily added all the fears.
but really thank God for kind hearts. both my examiner and supervisor were really kind and gave good comments about my project. it really made me feel better about my project. though my project was applicable and able to solve some operational challenges, i felt like it lacked engineering depth. like i could do more. but over 2 sems, its not really possible. i think to sum up my project, i think its a good marketing project, and not a great engineering project

but yea, i'm very insecure when if comes to face-timing ppl. i've never done it with anyone other than with k1 when i was in montreal. so far for this CB period, i have also never vid call my face anyone much other than my sch mates while we're testing out zoom functions for the presentation. but seeing my capstone spvsr and my ex-bosses whom i invited got me excited and i didn't focus on my insecurities. i'm so happy tt they turned up to support me coz they're also aware of the ops issues at work and interested to see what i've got. i'm really very blessed. as u'd know, i hated my office job though it wasnt 100% deskbound. but what made the whole period so worthwhile was that i had good bosses and colleagues. i can't be more thankful than that esp it was my first left job after grad that time. i do miss them. but yea, hating my job > loving my colleagues and hence switched to a job that's job > pay. ok we'll leave this topic for the next time. ANYWAYS........


so then again, what makes a successful project?
maybe coz of my marketing roots, i feel like a project, whatever the subject, can only be good only if it is being marketed well. hahhas (i can feel all my poly lecturers cheering loudly to that.)
its like, if u have a great engineering idea, but u fail to meet the needs and demands nor create the latter, i think it's still useless. i mean if we're harsh enough to only focus on the results and not talk about learning journey and cliche stuff like that..... so in another words, i was really focusing on the results of my project. no doubt i did learn like mad esp about the programming part, but really, what's worth? the world really runs on needs and wants. that's why i think aviation is best. like if u know how a commercial aircaft really works; down to the rationale of how/why each component is being built, u'll really be amazed by how efficient it is. and here comes the irony again, the more efficient the component is, the more expensive it is even though if its a simple design.


i feel like life is just full or ironies.

during my sec sch time, the 'better' students all went to biz sch while those who didn't score that well goes to engineering sch.
scoring high GPAs in poly was easier for engrg students than biz students.
and and when it comes to uni level,  its so easy to get a business degree, but its really takes my blood and sweat to complete an engineering degree.
its like, anyone can get an MBA if they want to. but for a Engineer masters.. its really like ... can u or not?
then now, when it comes to work, at the lower level, engineers earn much more than those executives. but at the higher mgmt level, business ppl earns more overall.


i really dont like how all this economy work. ungrateful or what, but maybe i prefer to be in a communist country. i dun think i wanna elaborate on this, not because its a sensitive topic, but just coz it's not worth my time. but hor, that's y i love Singapore. i feel like we wanna be both. we want to be communist, but we want to be democratic. we want to have rules, but we also want to be flexible. to even try and sum it up, we're just kiasee and kiasu. and i think that's the best spirit to surive and thrive.


ok anyway, idk wth i'm talking about now. its sooo off my topic.

so yea, my title is my name in korean.
so after my final final final sch submission, i studdent feel that blank space in life.
i mean its not like dun have things to do. as mentioned in the last post, i have a long list.
but u know, all these years, my mind always had something. as in like, there's always an obligation to catch. one of the secret reason of doing this painful 2nd degree in 2016, it is to keep my mind occupied. back then in 2014, i was on my 7th year of not moving on my first r/s. i wasn't super heatbroken or anything, but i felt like all these emotional mental thoughts should be channeled into something more productive. and i guess studying can also block out all those useless thoughts
so now, its 2020 alrdy. alot has changed mentally. i spent the prime of my youth studying instead of chionging my career and climb whatever ladder just to earn more money. sometimes i wanna say a regret, but in life, i never really can justify a feeling of regret coz i know in life, i am constantly giving my best whenever i can.

so yea. it's this blank space now.
no, its not an empty bottomless pit that i would have called it back then.
i dun think i should think about masters coz i know i'd wanna do it. but now, i should respect my youth abit more because the mountains have been calling.

its Saturday today, 3 days past. and other than working, i've just been watching korean dramas and cooking my meals and laze around. i dont think its a life that i'd like to get used to.
oh. there's one thing. i'm back in main shift at work. FINALLY. so nobody can throw the 'you study shift what' excuse. HAH. #inyourfacebitches. ahahha. just needed to get that out.
and other than that, i'm happy like now, i can work more freely. as in like, i dont have to worry about trying to conserve energy so that i have enough energy to go to sch or go and study.
idk how to describe this feeling, but its like, i can finally just give all out and like, enjoy my work like that. although now i'm really starting to detest my pay sourly, i'm just embracing every moment though now, coz of COVID-19, the work scope has changed. ;( all these preservation work and very little component changes just makes me ugghhhhhhhh. but ok, at least no emails. hah.

ok so yea. sorry for sidetrackking abit.
other than writing my resume here and there, i'm learning korean online. ahhahs
no serious reason to that. i just want to watch my korean dramas more effectively. and once i can like understand it, i can like watch a korean drama while doing something other than reading the subtitles. ahhahs


but to end off well again, i can really feel myself getting better. i think i'm referring to my mental state. i'm not saying i'm indestructible, but i feel like instead of building all these walls and fences, i'm not building them anymore. ok wait, let me clarify that. the walls are still there, but i've stopped building them. yea. it makes a difference if u really scrutinize it metaphorically. i'm really happy right now. as in, i feel that carefree-ness. in life, i dont think anyone can forget anyone for good and bad; neither can i say that i dont miss anyway. occasionally, i still think of the special persons that have come and go. i still think abt ur graduations. like how are u doing in life. what are the exciting plans u have ahead. but those are just passing thoughts and they are no longer trade-offs to my happy thoughts. i can now say that all those thoughts and memories dont haunt me as much as a did now.
perhaps coz now i'm just flooded with the joy of finishing sch that i dont dwell on the negative thoughts, but hope that this mindset will be like this.

other than all these personal growth, i want to give back to the sch. not really to the organization kinda thing, but i wanna help year 1s and 2s. not in any personal way, but i hope lost students can be smarter in their subject selections each sem. i hope that they can meet like-minded ppl throughout their studying like how i got my studying squad fighting tgr with me.
maybe over the next few days, i can spend some time thinking about how the BEHAS course structure can be improved and how the sch systems can be revised to help students cope with working and studying at the same time.


lastly, all in all, instead of just moving on from my past, i can finally sail into improving myself as a better person. i thank God for carrying me through those darkest times. i will never forget how God can 'appear' or rather, have His presence felt even though when i'm so so distant with a heat that's not just right in any place. i hope more ppl can know and believe this faith. i'm not very strong with Biblical stuff, but that's the thing about this 'religion'. u know, some ppl always say like 'christian is not a religion' and then all the anti-christians will be like 'oh yea right'. but to me ah, really, i like how 'unreligionly' i can feel about my walk with God. its always peaceful to know that God loves me no matter what. dont get me wrong, i'm not like ungrateful or taking things for granted... maybe i just hope that more ppl can know 'the God' as how i know my God.


haha guess i'll be blogging more often?
so many things to say. so many good and bad things to share but i dun have anyone to share with. no, not complaining. actually more happy than feeling the loneliness that should tie in with being alone. just thankful and grateful. despite COVID-19 and no Nepal this year, i still know that 2020 is gg to be a good year after all these years. :)

LAST PAPER

today's the LAST PAPER of this 5 arduous years of this work-study routine.
idk if it's too premature to be xiao celebrating abit, but YASS.
i'm actually filled with alot of emotions right now though i have 1 more fyp presentation next week till i totally finish all the sch stuff before the release of examination results.

its been awhile since i blogged because i'm happy.
looking at the trashy past posts, it makes my life so dark, which it was.
this 5 yrs, i've really sacrificed alot, but i wanna share what's on my immediate mind now.

first, i want to thank the grp of sch friends. i didnt think i would make any friends in sch, since this deg is supposedly catered to working adults who would be busy ppl. the demands of the curriculum proved otherwise. i mean, there are people who are not working and also struggle with graduating. the grp of friends which i should name are ant, tim, des, andrew and in the later part of the years, paul, yy, kaileng, shirlynn and wilson. i honestly thought i could do this on my own. but really, no. we all worked as a team, and trusted each other. i mean like, everyone tries their best and no on really leeches on each other and i think its a wonderful grp to be working tgr.  so in a way, everyone learns alot more together and being engineering, everyone's mostly black and white. no grey areas. hahahs we do argue over workings and stuff like that, but i'm glad everything happened. ahhahs. i hope that everyone in the sch could be like this coz this aerospace deg is really mad tough. i mean like, i dont wanna discredit other degree programmes coz other than taking a business one, idk whats gg on in other programme. but really.
i guess also coz in year 2 / 3, the gg was going for the autonomous and 'local uni' status, trying to break free from UniSIM to SUSS. the lecturers were all changing the syllabus, making exam papers harder and we really felt their efforts. some of the exam qns really cant do. the qns were really to freaking test ur understanding and application. in a good way, because it was so hard, everyone can't do, so nobody fail coz the sch had to moderate it. i rmbr for the legendary EAS309 Aerodynamics module. hahas. i counted like i could only get 37/100 if i'm lenient to give myself 1 mark for formula and a few follow-through method marks. i was confident that i would fail it. in the end, i got a B. LOL. that's how much they had to moderate. so the legendary lecturer says "no on fails my exam. you only fail yourself when u dont turn up for the paper"- TJK. hahhahhahahahas. (when we asked him if the paper would be difficult). look how right he is. hahahahs.
but yea, i'm proud to say i'm one of the students who lived through this status change, also for my BEHAS course to attain the Engineering Accreditation by EAB and IES. (ok i googled the latter. can't rmbr whats the engrg stunt for also. ahhahas)

to try and do a comparision, for my marketing deg, i can just study 1 week b4 exam week and no problem. easily manged a B with fluff. but for this engineering deg ah, wah lau. cannot smoke. cannot fluff. if u really duno how to do the q, the most u can do is just throw in some formula and hope for the best and moderation. i really struggled so much and even after feeling good about some papers, i dare not aim for an A. and for most of the papers, i started studying damn hard and focusing on the exams 3.5 weeks before coz that's when we're mostly done with the quizzies, lab reports and TMAs.
there were some mgmt modules in this programme and i'm proud to say i got A for of them. for most of the TMAs, i'm also one of the top few. sorry, just had to brag coz i really put in alot of effort and all those report writing in my poly / uni days really helped.
so yea. i wasnt doing well in yr 1 and 2 on my own. mostly Bs and Cs. but with the friends made in yr 2 onwards, i was mostly getting As and Bs...


2ndly, i guess i wanna thank my collegues.
most of the ppl at work dont like ppl who are studying because of the 'study shift' which initially means to change from MM1EN to MMNN. pattern. after the company changed the shift timings, our 'study shift' timings couldn't change to coming in 2.5h earlier for night shifts coz we end classes at 10pm. so most of the guys were unhappy. so yea, through the 5 yrs, alof of ppl didnt like me. the spvrs and some ppl tried to get me out of their dept / team and all. basically there were alot of judgement and scrutiny.  this 'study shift' thing came about alse because of me. i was the one who fight for it 4 yrs ago. in a way, its a win-win situation coz its always the M and especially N shift that needed more men. but well. no one sees it this way because 1. people are selfish. 2. an insecure company always think that the employees are always out there to take advantage of the system.
so for my first yr of studies, it was alot of time-offs and then paying back on offdays, which means 0 overtime. the mgmt wanted it, but HR couldn't deal with the paperwork and it was alot of operational concerns in the end because it was very disruptive when it comes to tool prep, accountability and stuff like that.  and yea, there's aaaaaallllottt going on everywhere in which i dont think i should mention here. so all in all, after 10000 yrs, the company finally had a study shift. of course many guys weren't too happy about it because some of them wanted to study when they're much younger because, let's just say 'operational demands' hold the key excuse to every single bloody thing.
so anyway, because of this 'study shift', many ppl started studying legitly and this makes me really happy. at least i could do something for the guys around me. there's gotta be haters, but then again, why didnt u fight for it? i didn't just fight and get what i wanted u know. i had to draft out stuff, make plans, showed my plans, showed how things could also benefit operationally and all. that mgmt guy wasn't too happy because of all the residing politics, but if u wanna change for the better, u gotta change. at this point in time, like i mean, after 5 yrs, i've grown out of the haters. there are days where i literally cry when i ride home from work because of the nasty things ppl say to me or from what ppl tell me whether true or not, but at the end of the day, look at the progress. look at how many guys can finally get their diplomas after working for 10 over yrs in the company.
i'm really proud of it you know. some of them have like 3 kids and all, and willing to go through 2 more yrs of work-study just for that earlier increment because any qualification that is higher from the last in which u used it to enter to company, allows u for a jump in technical grade, which transcends to a small monthy increment which is a multiplier effect if you do overtime.

when i was in the mgmt, i didn't think overtime was a big deal. i often wondered why those ground workers argue and fight over doing OT. to me (at that time), no need work overtime good what.
there was once 2 guys came to my office and quarreled infront of me regarding OT. i thought like, wth, y so serious sia. chill. i had to like explain things to them like a caring mother omg. hahaha. now that i'm a ground worker myself, omg. hahahs. this shit is real. its not just 'OT' and the money, but there's so many tied around it. so much emotions, so much anger, so much opportunity costs, so much to lose in all.  its all RELATIVE. its such a sensitive thing just because of poor corporate culture and all the shit which i dont want to explain because this is suppose to be a nice post. hahahahas. maybe next time. but for now, let's just say that i've learnt that the valuation of money is really relative. it like, to you, maybe $1 is not alot. but if $1 is the only money that u're accessible to when u want to get from jurong to pasir ris, $1 may be a life-saver.

so yea, thank u for the very few and countable collegues who understood and supported me in any way. to me, by not condemning ppl who study or just diligently doing ur own work and watching out for ur own safety means supporting me in some ways alrdy. so yes, thank you, especially during exam periods.


next, my friends.
firstly, i'm sorry if i dont message / write letters anymore. i realized i've stopped doing them after 2016, which is also the start of sch. thank u for those who stood by me, for those who msged or just kept the distance. i wanna thank 2 ppl who keep popping up in my mind. Amanda (+ sz) and Estee. like amanda who randomly shows up and surprises me and mother poon with bubble tea and cakes and estee who sends me bday cards and all the nice stuff even though she's like 100000km away. i feel so blessed. really. its like, the are really my pillars. ok la, and dickson who occasionally accompanied me to study while he killed time by doing some of his work or watch netflix while i painstaking solved mathematical equations and fourier transforms. hahahs. thanks for the time we had ice cream tgr after my brain was close to overheating for the overdrive. but yea. these are my pillars.
idk if i'm able to survive.

in 2018, k1 left and it killed me inside. 2019 came, and k2 stabbed in further when i was still trying to find myself. i dont hate them, but i find it hard to believe that i'm actually thankful that they came in and walked out from my life just like that. to some extend, i am sorry for myself for trusting them because i thought i could, but both of them taught me so much. there's more gratitude than hatred though both emotions are equally intense when it comes to them. (wah, finally for the first time, i feel like i can write out the emotions almost closely to how i feel about it.) i do hope they are well because i know they're gonna be better off w/o me anyways. hahahs. coincidentally or ironically, these 2 persons are also graduating from their respective schs this year. so some promises like "i will be there for your graduation" are going to be broken - not because i'm not graduating, but either because 1) i am no longer existent in ur life or 2) covid-19 circuit breaker measures. lol. hahahahahs.
there are days where i have subtle intentions of trying to creep into the graduation hall or smth just to take a few photos of u guys coz i know it was a tough time getting through ur respective programmes as well. but one thing k2 taught me was self-worth. i will need to work on loving myself more before i can really love anyone. let me just learn to thrive on that for now.

tbh, i never thought that graduation is a big thing. actually now i also dont think its a big thing coz its just a ceremony for ppl to read out the long list of ppl leaving the sch. its not like u're more impressive because u attended graduation or take photos to have proof of ur graduation. hahas. but because of this particular BEHAS programme, this 5 yrs is worth a celebration of and with the ppl whom u love and who stood by u throughout tough times.


thirdly, my rugby / bowling / climbing circle. i think to some extent, its quite rude to be in and out seasons like that. but really no choice. it was always saving up my leaves for exams. so if i'm not working, i'm studying. i didnt have much time to do anything or have the energy to do it if i wanted to. u know like energy cannot be created or destroyed right. ahhas. so like, if i spent more time and energy in doing activities that i would like to do, it would mean that i have less energy to focus on my studies. the amount of sleep time i am allowed to is probably just enough to survive work and abit of study. so yea, this is what it means by sacrifices. idk how to link this ideology of sacrificing to sacrificing the people you love, but let's just say love is complicated. hahah.


lastly, mother poon. and abit of the sister.
mother poon who' still a full time mother and housewife even though there's no living husband. she still faithfully cooks for me when i can be home for dinner, does the house work, changes my bedsheets and washes my uniform and underwear. on some bad days,  we some how would end up retaliating each other with brutal harsh honest words, but then somehow, next day like everything ok. nothing seems to affect us. i really think that's love. we love by actions and not by words. in this world, there is no one who can be like this, that's y i say mother poon is best. we have no manners and that's our manners. idk if its also taking each other for granted, but i dont feel like its that way because we can be who we wanna be, and still love each other without needing any words of validation. its a love so deep that u can't just say oh i love mother poon coz that doesn't justify the depths of it. i dont think anyone (other than my dad also) who have loved me this way.
for my sister, also along the same lines. i guess u can say its a family culture. but tangibly, thank u for printing my reports with crazy submission deadlines. sometimes even trying to get the correct colour tone of the report. ok. if we fight again, i'll rmbr the day u help me print that one final report. haha i still rmbr not sleeping for 2 nights in row and staying up in changi T2 just to complete it. i was super focused. i think got about 100 pages of words, tables, graphs and images. eh, we were given less than a week to complete it after coming back from UK. and ah, i got a 92 for it and i deserve that mark. HAHHAHA.



ok. yea. that's more or less of the things that came to my mind when i submitted the paper.
i didnt think the last paper i did would be at home instead of the memorable freezing examination all. its like, i still have the jitters each time the say 'you may begin'. idk if its a conditional response coz for the first 5 mins of the paper in the exam hall, i'll panicked abit even on some subjects that i'm confident of. i got a feeling its coz of PSLE. hahahs but like today and last week, like not much of a problem. i guess also coz its the first time i only have 1 paper per week. so its like 2 papers in 2 weeks as compared to last time 4 papers 1 week.
whatever it is, i'm so glad its over.
so what's next.



the very first thing on my list in which mother poon has been waiting for about 10 yrs is....
1. clear out my room
its not just about packing it, but clearing it so i can pack it.
2. pack my room
yea.  i mean all these after i super complete my fyp uh.


write letters.
Learn korean so to appreciate Korean dramas better.
climb
do scrapbooks
gym more. but for now more calisthenics workout?
TRAVEL OMG. this one. i've waited 5 yrs for NEPAL. but ok, i will wait.
bring mother poon to angmoh country like london.
class 2
class 3 (yea, looks like i'm prioritzing scrapbooking over this hahas)
i want forklift license also
towtug license
sort out dad's toolbox. idk how i'm gg to do this though. maybe not happening. ahhas

recently, i have thoughts like i'm gg to die soon. like i can hear my heartbeat, my breathing and stuff like that. i have dreams of the past unresolved issues with people, but no, i dont have dreams of my dad or ppl who have passed on. but idk. i hope that i dont die soon even i'm saying all these glibberish stuff. u know like those spooky coincidences. hahas yea. okok no. God bless me. pls keep me on this earth at least as long as mother poon is alive. anything after that is fine.

so what's really next?
change job?
idk. i wanna do my masters. but i dare not think about it. its not about not dreaming big, but there's mother poon. there's $. and there's the opportunity costs and sacrifices which i think its not fair to those who love me around me.

u know, k1 and i once argued because he said i was selfish. he said i was selfish to be doing any other degree at the expense of everything and everyone around me because i arldy had a degree and didnt need another one. i felt so shitty coz i mean like, he also studying what. that arguement happened when i was in year 2 and i didnt quite understand it. i thought like wth, can't i just study just coz i wanted to? like what'swrong in wanting to pursue passion. but after 5 yrs and losing him and the time and people around me, yea, i guess i was. and i've also learnt like, u can't justify everything just because of passion or heart.
not everything that does with the heart is fine u know. i think its some hard facts that i still find it hard to swallow, but that's the truth and its one of the bigger lessons i've learnt throughout this journey.
its like, mother poon is getting old. she's still walking fine. but not like can walk 5km non stop kind. there's a limit / time limit to everything and that's why i've always been workign hard and giving my best to everything i do. but i overlooked something. i cannot do my best in everything. as in, i shouldnt be wanting to do so many things coz there's a limit to the amount of time / amount of energy of the people around.

i guess thats why when we're younger, we always hear adults tell us like 'do your best', 'time management', 'work hard'.. .all these simple little advices. but now when i'm older, i do see the tangible expense and value that are tradeoffs. its because that i've given my best in all that i do, the little things always seem to matter and everything becomes a blurr when i can't be focused or motivated.  there's so much to really evaluate about it. haha i guess thanks to the academic vigour for this long train of thoughts. probably should write a book.

hahas omg. i've spent about 2hrs typing. sorry i got carried away. thanks for reading if anyone is reading hahahhahs. idc if its just the digital systems accessing these codes, but i'm just thankful for this year and the people who have stayed.

clearance vs numb

it was a very random thought.
on just one random night before my 0600hr shift, i couldn't sleep and idky.
yea, one of those nights
but i wasn't even thinking of you. wasn't even playing with my phone.
just rolling around in bed, with my chou chou close to me, and thankful its not one of those emo nights though it would be great it i can start sleeping soon.

then i took my phone and started to block u on ig and fb.
it was quite impulsive. u werent even in my thoughts for the past few hours. but its like all of a sudden, a realization struck me. i realized that i didn't deserve to be treated that way. i didn't do anything to u to deserve all that, other than hoping that we could spend more time as friends.
after doing that, i tried to click on ur profile again and i can't see them anymore. i didnt know how to feel. perhaps numb? i couldn't recognize any kind of feeling i could identify with.
perhaps it's a hunch that u were able to get her back. and it's probably always something u wanted which u didn't want to recognize.
but whatever it is, anyone who tried to be with someone's gf isn't right from the start. whatever the reasons. though there are more 'honourable' ways to handle such situations, i dont think i'm in any position to comment.

perhaps we're all the same.
there to fill someone else's void.
well, i could say that my heart was really all about u. then again, do i really know?
its been over a year without u now, and i'm starting to see more defined differences between departures from you and kh. haha. i can't even be bothered to give a k1 k2 to these 2 persons anymore. u guys dont deserve any effort from me anymore.

in all of the r/s i've ever been in, in the end, everyone just stop communicating. it isn't those like slowly go quiet kind. but all of them just treat me as non-existent. well, perhaps its coz i'm the one who cannot just stop the communication till it becomes one-way and then becoming non-existent right?

during these whole CB period, i feel like... liberated somehow. i'm actually enjoying the fact that my daily plans are just so... me. on days that i'm not working, i wake up, cook lunch, study, eat dinner, netfilx, sleep and repeat. no plans to worry about, other than sch work which has all been so managable. oh yea, my kind colleague shared with me his netflix acc. so i'm just watching all the shows, and not even playing much social media. sometimes i ig story about whatever's interesting around, and that's it. i dont even bother scrolling for other ppl's feeds.

sometimes i wish the world could go back to snail mail. like if only there's a way to just retain google  or whatever means to keep up with reading info, but zero means to communicate electronically. everyone's probably already taking communication for granted until it has become a norm now that 'taking for granted' doesn't exist. in the past, it would be deliberately meeting up, or like taking out a piece of paper and pen, make and envelope and find a stamp just to send out a message literally. now, ppl dont even respond.


idk but the closet that i'm putting myself back in feels comfortable again. i'm really adamant about being close to any one. now, not even with those that i'm platonically close to. u know, i secretly wish that this CB period can extend till forever. maybe like just allow back sports activities like my rugby, bowling and climbing. hahahs. i'm so biased. but yea. no dinners. no socializing. no hanging out.
only with family members.


my family now is probably going to go through another emotionally tough period of time all thanks to another man also. is this all in our blood ah? we just can't keep our men. haha. look at my dad. look at mother poon's first love. whether it be by choice or not, no men stays. i really miss my dad. but that's all is possible. work is shit coz ppl, both ground and mgmt are being shitheads. idky ppl can't just fcking work tgr during this period of time, but i have given up.
u know its like... the mgmt boast like oh we take 7% 12% paycut. yea wow. what is that amt when ur pay is like $10k right. and yea. work from home. and the ground guys? we take compulsory no pay leave, no ot, which means all the allowances cut. so in the end, that's a good 30-40% pay cut. and if ur pay is like $2k.it means that for the month in May, i'm probably gonna take home $1.7k. so what is relative now? i'm not even sure.

all that fire and flame has died. i want to say that i've stopped fighting for the issues that i feel passionately about, but its more like, i'm just tired of the fights.
its like, fight or no fight, nothing changed.
look at how kh can leave just like that.
like how d walked away just like that. 15 yrs ago and still no sign of him.
like how my father left.

honestly, after finishing my exams this month, idk whats next. i secretly thought of doing my masters, but the course i'm interested in is in UK. and honestly, i dun even dare dream of studying again. all the ppl who left. idk if its a good thing to know who's stayed, but i just want to be alone.
mother poon doesn't want to be alone that's for sure. though she says she's ok and all. we all know.

other than thriving in being disconnected with people around me, i feel that disconnection and connection within myself. there's so many things i want to reboot. so many things i want to be thankful for, especially for all that pain felt in the last 2 years.
i dont even know if God is far away coz by 'knowledge', God is near. i dont even know i'm taking Him for granted. but i just know i'm not a christian that i can be proud of. my heart isn't right. its not about being in the right place. it just feels like an empty deck, with no one manning the steering wheel. not me, not God. just letting circumstances blow my sails to whatever the directions. and its like, i'm just hoping for God to be the circumstances, to be the wind of my sails.  i feel quite disgusted that i'm not even praying for God to be the captain of my ship. its not that i dont want to. its not that i'm ashamed of myself or anything. its just like... this blank sheet. nothing.

perhaps the broken pieces of my heart is all back into one again, held back together with the chains. but this time, instead of the chains being an added security, it feels like they fused in together as its secondary structure. no, its not a bad thing. i'm just keeping my heart for myself. i'm tired of sharing. tired of giving. tired of letting it get exposed to anything or anyone. i guess its all ok to just leave it in this config till the day i lose my breath on this earth. there's nothing really left fighting for other than mother poon.



clearance or numb?
i can't tell the difference

policies

an insecure company makes the worst policies because of the lack of trust in their men; which then becomes a vicious cycle because the men cannot trust any policies from the company.

at the line, on the line.

ok. decided to give an update here u know why? coz, my dept now as got 2 confirmed cases.
wanted to blog when the first case was made known, but was rushing out assignments so didn't have the time. so much feelings and many things to say. where do i begin.
as of now: 2,033,452 cases. that's 2 million in english, 130k deaths = 130, 000 people died.
and a 1-day 447 spike today in Singapore, with about 3,699 tested and reported cases.
i'm pretty sure we're gg to hit the 5k mark. just a matter of time.

i think firstly, i wanna share like my feelings and reactions. again i know nobody cares, but just for the sake of documentation alright. ahhahs.
we're in the CB phase now. as from the last post when our PM gave his speech... everyone's been CB-ing here and there. i think its good humour. least it lightens the atmosphere.
memes were saying like.. CB then CCB (complete circuit breaker la), then maybe KNNBCCB. hahas


personally, i'm just really scared to go to work. its not that i'm scared to be physically present at work, but there's really no policies / organisation to protect ourselves at work. shift timings still doesn't promote segregation. physical segregation policies at work place are not effective because they are not well planned and thought through. everything is done based on paper work, for the black and white, for the protect - of the company's position and not our health. i'm probably gg to get into trouble if someone screenshot this space and it goes viral, or if MOH / company steps in here or anything. but really. i dun think i should hide coz i'm just expressing my concerns. but pls ah, anyone here pls dont take it viral. thanks.

but yea. just to give an example, for the first case, the guy who kena is from Team B. so on paper, those in Team B in his shift all asked to go home, Team A stays. so i was talking to one of the engrs who was taking her bag to go home. she was telling me its stupid coz she hasn't been in contact / near him but coz she Team B, she needs to go home. on the other hand, another tech who has been closely working with him, has to stay on at work just because his name is on Team A.  now how?
like i told her, 1 case is 'just 1 case'. they dont see it as a beginning / potential of a cluster. and i was pretty sure then we're gonna see a few cases up in these few weeks to come. and lo and behold, just today, we recieved news of the 2nd case.

its like, we have common tool store. we have limited vehicles. everything is shared.
how are u going to manage that?
i really dont care what's the business conerns as of now. on the ground, we're all feeling the heat coz everyone's quite touchy and defensive. company scared ppl take advantage, while in fact, there are actual and serious risks around. but yea 'we not like in health care frontline'. just wait and see how the numbers are gg to rise loh. idk what constitutes as substatial.

so in my opinion there are 2 + 1 grps of ppl:
1. those genuinely scared and afraid to go to work.
2. those who just want to take advantage of the situation whom may / may not be concerned about covid
3. the mgmt, who thinks that only the 2nd grp of ppl exist.

so now, eveything is so screwed up coz there's really no contingency plans. ppl are doubting each other's agendas, politics and all the shit. its like, OMG GUYS. wake the fcking up.
it's alrdy such time of crisis. why cant we just work together, trust each other, and just really protect ourselves and each other. it  just seems like politics and our safetly/health both equally weigh the same. i just think its very disgusting, even at this level. like all these experienced men, fathers, adults, engineers, mgmt,.... what is really our priority right now? even if i try to put myself in the mgmt shoes, i just dont understand all the 'measures' that we're taking.

i'm not saying that we close shop / total hut down or what. but there are really better ways to plan, cope and manage. shift timings. working space. since ops demand is on all time lull, what are the concerns? what's on hand? i really dont think its time to stick to rules and policies that are in place when everything is fine. just like our govt. one day say dont wear mask unless u sick (in which i was appalled then), and just ytd, it is compulsory to wear mask when u're if not kena fine.

i'm not saying that the decisions made are lousy. i'm saying that we need to be adaptable.
we need to think.
we need to enforce.
and enforce what's right, what's best to protect ourselves (health) so that we can protect those at home.
i really dont want to be bringing back the virus home to mother poon w/o even knowing.


"if i must go to work i want to go union"
"go ahead. fyi. company nv force you to come to work"
"Pls read MOH website for the guidelines. Mgmt said It's stated there."
"Doesn’t stated we need to be in contact for more than 30mins"
Pls refer to HR or Union. As per mgmt, 2 meters apart and 30 mins constant contact"
"Staff is voicing out his concern.. No need for unnecessary remarks. This is the time we have each other's back together, not apart"

we really dont need such... deliberations. why can't we put in more effort in think of how to practice social distancing at work and keeping ourselves safe?

the scary thing about COVID is that it's not scary.
its not scary enough to make people take precautionary measures unlike SARS. and what's even scarier is that a carrier may be asymptomatic. its like, i may be a carrier to my mother but i'm not showing symptoms. and if my immune system kills it b4 i really show symptoms, i really wouldn't know if i was even once a covoid carrier. and on the other hand, what if mother poon (CHOY TOUCH ALL THE WOOD) really kena. that's how all the unlinked cases sprout out uh. from the time u're a carrier and the time u show symptoms, it can be like 7 days? in that time frame, u can't even rmbr what u do, least whom u've meet, talked to or crossed paths with.
and ironically, its probably the first time that the elderly ppl grp are actually nonchalant about it while the younger ppl are taking it more seriously. usually its the younger kids that are rebellious and wanna go defiant and all. this time ah, alll the aunties and uncles just can't stay at home or cant be bothered. and what's alarming is that covid cases seems to be more severe with the elderly. oh wells.

and yea. on top of all these life's mess. there' still sch work that's all so ambigious and uncertain. the content and all is still there. but like we duno what to expect for the exams since the format has changed. our fyp also changed to ONLINE PRESENTATION. omg. i hate being infront of a screen.
it amplifies my insecurities. ahhs. for the record, i'm only comfortable and willing to have a proper video call with u. i still rmbr the first time when i was in montreal, we'd be online for like 1-2hrs. the time diff was 12hrs... so it was easier to keep track? hahas i kept u accompnay for ur night shifts while u kept me company during my monrng activities.
it was nice. and like all good things dont come to an end, those good days never lasted. i missed those days. it felt real. and it felt like they can last forever. oh wells. there's more impt things in life i guess.


hahas ok. lastly.
in times like this, i bo bian think of u.
i wonder if like are u worried for urself and ur fam. or like, if u even bothered if i am still alive.
but yea, even now when u physically see me, u can take it that i'm physically not there anyway. ashhahs. some times i also question my existance. but oh wells. just hope all's well going on ur side with sch and exams as well.

byes. gotta zz now. 6am reporting to work. gg through biometric assessed area as well. ahhas pray for me.

the moment our PM spoke

just another day worth documenting.

so just over an our ago, our PM gave his legit address to the nation.
it was a 4pm live telecast and boy, prior to 4pm, there was an influx of fake news.... especially those saying that 'sg is gg to lockdown in clusters' and all.

just dont understand. we're all in this tgr and why must ppl still so free go put up fake news.
then on whatsapp, everyone circulating photos of vids of the situations of supermarkets.
fake news is a no no, but yes to trolls and memes. haha i should post some of my fav hilarious memes. i mean, i dont think that everyone is not taking it seriously, but i think it is ok and alright to add abit of humor to the dire situation. least it elevates the stress and not the severity of reality.

but on a more serious note, our contract staff  just got asked to stop coming to work for 3 months, no pay. some of them were given like 2hrs notice b4 their night shift. to us locals.. 'oh just stop work loh'. but to them, it's really a big deal. most of them are not locals. the guys from msia have alrdy been asked to stay home since their country's border controls got implemented, while the philippinos are faced with financial, accom, logistics stresses since work permits are affected and hence their $$ rentals and all. i'm not sure of the details, but most of my friends have evaluated that it is best to fly home to be with their family during this period of time since it is not  financially viable to stay in their rented apartments w/o a pay, and with no confirmation if they would be getting their jobs back at the end of the 3 months.

the situation for them is really very abrupt. some dont even have time / no means / intention / instructions to clearout their lockers. while we locals are very protected, these are the things that my colleagues are facing and idk how i can help them given my situation as well.
and while all these are happening, currently employed staff are complaining why they have to take no pay leave and forced to clear their annual leaves.
and on the other hand, some dept can still go on OT.

i dun think its also right to question what is right and what is fair now. but imptly, everyone should be working together. by saying so, its not just to force ppl to follow / not follow policies, but its really about having the heart and mind to think for urself AND each other.


for me, other than my finances coz its seems like i'm gg to be the only one with an income for an ambiguous length of time, exams are next month and we have no clue if it is still on / whats the format gg to be like.
i do hope like they're forgiving and be lenient in their marking coz this unprecedented situation is very very disrupting and even exam priorities are diminishing with the increasing level of stress around trying to cope with the siuation.

i'm kinda glad that its my final sem. though i'm still not sure if graduation is still possible this year, i'm glad at least my sch fees are more or less done (assuming i clear these final 3 mods.). its just pretty disappointing that we all rushed and pressured ourselves to intensify the level of stress by taking 4-5 mods / sem just to grad in 4.5 years, but now, it seems like all these effort might be wasted.

i'm also glad to be currently employed for now, though 'retrenchment talks' and rumours are around everyday at work. idk if i'm scared or not coz i think i still have grabfood / foodpanda / macdelivery options (which might even allow me to earn more than my current pay). ahhhahas

but in any way, as i'm typing this now, 1,026,739 is the current world tats, a huge leap from the 260k a few days ago. i dont think the situation is gg to plateau anytime soon but let's pray for other countries as they are really in national crisis now even for the 'developed' countries. some trolls were saying that developing countries have 'no problems' with covid cases because..... they simply dont have test kits. whether to take it as a joke or not, the numbers are increasing, still sharply.

lastly, also thankful for sg govt. i think we're the only country in the world that our govt is giving out $$ to ppl who have lost their jobs due to covid for the next 9 mths? like $800 or $1k or smth. there's like support for lower income households with kids and all. idk how else we can make the situation better, other than stop freaking panic buy and just say home / limit interaction and physical communication with strangers.

ok. now not sure if i should be watching my online lect or the live news. haha.

co-void?

COVID-19

just thought that i should blog and document abit about what's happening around me rn during this period of uncertainty. (even though each time i open my laptop, i should be doing some sch work instead)

as of 27 March 2020, it has been about 2 months since the onset of the covid-19 in Sg / the world.

this is probably the toughest time for not just Singapore, but also countries out of Asia.

initially, it there were stigmas with the common lingos like 'oh its an asian virus', 'oh its china virus'.. 'Wuhan virus. while the daily new-case numbers in China are finally plateauing, today in USA, the county just reported an additional 17,000 cases, which brings the country up to the highest no. of infections.  covid-19 has now has 550k cases and 25k lives were lost during this war.

idk but, trying to put everything together, it seems so surreal. while the media always try to calmly report whatever updates using neutralizing words, i feel like the gravity of the situation is heavier than what we're all being taught to think. no, i dont mean propaganda or hiding any facts. but in bid to not cause any panic amongst civillians, i do believe that this is only the beginning of a longer fight despite the situation spiraling out and up with a desperate sprint. we're walking on this line, day by day. changes are so fluid that you cannot really make any accurate predictions for the next 24hrs.

i think that we're really in the midst of a pandemic. 

like those exaggerated movies where there's all lockdown, and everywhr is just like food shortages.

i mean, WHO has 'used' that word with caution to describe the situation a few weeks back. and every day, the evolving situation is like just worsening, with the media trying to be open yet

its times of such crisis that you not only see the beauty of humans, but also the ugliest side of humans. some countries retained its vigour will stepping up to put differences aside to work together; while there are some people who some how try to take advantage of the situation for their selfish gains.

i mean, there's really alot of uncertainty on each levels and i really dont have the time to really document it all down at a micro level. like for me as a full time worker in aviation while being a part-time student in a just-established local uni, the challenges are real and the uncertainties make it really difficult to focus on our task and be motivated about it.

exams are coming, OT are cut, mandatory no pay leaves being enforced.... all these makes the future pretty bleak. like to highlight one of the big disappointment to me on a personal level is the outlook of getting upgraded after my deg. so the plan is to get my T4 in this year after i grad. i've been working and pushing so hard for the last 4.5 yrs so that the time frame allows me to progress on from T2 to T3 and to T4 within this year.  the rule is that i need to officailly grad  ONLY after i progress to T3, which is supposed to happen in aug and oct respectively. however, the company has suspended all upgrades this year. this means that, if i graduate in oct this year, as a T2, the graduation would only bring me to T3 and i would need another 10 yrs to get my T4; as compared to getting my T3 (after 5 yrs of passing out)  and then using my grad to upgrad to T4.

that would mean another 10 yrs wasted.

that's the thing about my life.

really.

i mean, if u have been following my 'life's progression', each time i'm almost there to reach a goal, policies change which mean i would need to make detours.

its like, i have 2 dips, 2 degrees, and i still cant be an engineer; and its not that i'm 'not qualified'. in fact, to quote the HR, i am 'overqualified' (all thanks to you guys, but we'll leave that for now.)

also, this sem is finally my last semester after like 8 semesters right. so i've been on MOE bursary because my rabak  PCI and GCI .. i think the tiers were like $675 and $375 (if i rmbr correctly.). in which i get higher one ah. on my final semester, the govt review it to $1250, $800 and $350, in which i can still quality for the highest tier. EHH. that's a diff of about $600 / sem eh. and the fact that aerospace mods are so damn ex, esp with the labs and an overseas module; it was financially tough to some extent uh. i wouldn't consider myself struggling, coz i think i'm planning it all out quite well. but it also means i gotta rough it out at times and make sacrifices if i still want to be financially-able to bring mother poon on holidays while she is still physically-able.

the time is ticking and till this day, i still wonder if this degree is worth all these sacrifices.

i think when i grad, i'd re-evaluate again.

ok so anyway, falling short. i'm always falling short.

and its really not me giving up, but the 'end point' just changed when it's within sight.

ok let's not digress.

the immediate miro concern is just probably the upcoming exams, and also the No Pay Leave.

i think still survivable la.

its just that i need to learn to adjust and deal with such uncertainties while trying to prepare for the exams, not knowing of the format of it. we're about 1 month away btw.

it's really very disruptive, but i guess we all need to understand and adapt.

its really not the time to lament and complain because there's really so much going on. i just need to be focus.

actually tbh, i think i'm also learning to thrive in such situations given my circumstances. honestly, i'm pretty glad how things are turning out for myself emotionally. i'm still glad and thankful that i managed to pull myself out of my deep emotional wells that started caving in back in 2018.

its like, with all these 'more pressing' issues on hand, it just expedites my progress. i'm honestly embracing the fact that i'm single now and learning to appreciate myself more while trying to outwardly complain / express myself less.

its not even about not wanting to fall in love, but its like, i dont even want to think about it. its like, the 'missing you' days/ moments are much less and FINALLY, its not on an every-day basis, i think. people who have chosen to walk away really dont deserve my time, effort and any mental RAM space, really.

i need to further internalize that. 

interestingly, i actually restored my okc acc when i have 0 interest in getting into a r/s now. so this time, it feels very very different. i'm not even looking, but just swipping on people , reading their self description and looking at the kind of photos they post of themselves which is really LOL. sorry to be judgmental, but isn't what social media is all about? it does makes my day at times coz its just damn funny. yes, i am also currently openly chatting to some guys and also girls on diff platforms now.

somehow i'm quite impressed that i'm managing my feelings well. i'm more... 'guarded'?... actually, maybe wrong choice of word coz it doesn't feel as erm.. repulsive(?) as of now. i guess i can selfishly say that they are 'filling in the gaps' while i just choose to not open the curtains of my windows. 

k2 was really a good lesson. not everyone is as genuine my heart may feel it is, while some have their hidden agendas which i'll never know and will not be bothered to find out. 

there's really alot more pressing issues on hand; and other than protecting myself, i need to protect my family financially, and during this period of time, physically as well.

right now, the small steps count.

the effort towards graduation count.

i wont be surprised if i'm not able to graduate this year since it has always been the case of fall short. i should have learnt to manage my expectations / emotions; whilst, not compromising on my effort towards excellence and giving my best as always. 

okok. back to work now.

thanks again for another space of organizing my thoughts.

tired of this life.

tbh about honesty

decided to blog coz there's quite a handful of emotional things that i'd like to document it down.

i think its sad to have many ppl loving u, with the ones whom you love the most turning their back on you at the end, treating you like as if you were never once part of their lives.
i'm really tired.

people always say they value honesty.
while we're young, we're more open with our words. always thinking that, oh, its 'right and good' to be honest about things. like if our blunt words have their consequences, 'it is ok' as long as you are doing the 'right' thing.
as we start growing older, we realize that these consequences really test our faith towards the valuation of being honest. what does it take to be honest? what does it mean to be honest?

honest or not, if the message gets miscommunicated, misunderstood, then what's the point of being expressive or even trying to convey our honest thoughts and opinions? at the end of the day, it always seem to do more damage than good. not to just to others, but more to ourselves.

i guess there's also many aspects of honesty. like we always say, oh.. we should always be honest with ourselves. however, if what we present outwardly, at the end of the day, brings us all these hurt and pain, then what's worth? by twisting / bending our honest opinions to suit what people expect of us, then are we really still being honest with ourselves? if we unwillingly settle for anything short of honesty, then it's just going to be our norm and unfortunately, we'd unknowingly internalize it. and that's the danger right there. we dont even know of our shifting values and perspectives.


like moving into this year, i told myself to learn to love myself more.
and really, its been pretty slightly better from the past 2 years. while trying to love myself more, i'm starting to see how selfish people can get, and how selfish i can be too. and unfortunately at times, being selfish brings more good to urself, not even considering if others are being affected. i guess that's what it means to be selfish too.
what's the point of giving so much? its not that we expect anything in return, but the hurt and pain that comes aftermath just devour us from within. it makes us question or values, or thoughts, our sincere intention. like whats the point of loving someone, giving so much, but all we get is betray. the weight of this betrayal is dependent on the amount we give, whether we intentionally weigh it or not.
hence, why do we even want to love someone else, when it's easier to love ourselves and let's just stick to that.


like to be really honest with myself, i'm starting to see changes in me. some good, some not so.
missing u and coping with all the hurt and memories with k1 has always been top of the list. but i wanna congratulate myself for significantly seeing myself moving on. i've moved away from like trying to stop missing u or thinking of u, coz its obvious for the past 15 years, i'm not good at that towards any person whom i love alot. and by saying 'i love alot' it really means that these are the people whom i'm willing to forgo myself, at the expense of my self-worth to just love and that's probably the biggest pitfall.  some days, i still text you about some news just because i still care for you. i rlly dont care if u still hate me and even more for doing so, but that's how i can cope for now and also since these are news u should take note of esp if there's confirmed covid case in ur neighbourhood when u have young, cute niece and nephews. but each time as i see you at work and how u'd see me and still disregard my presence and existence, it still feels like the heart being trampled on.

as for k2, i'm starting to internalize the truth. its like, i feel so blinded by my emotions. all the good feelings and good times were really just a facade. honesty is what we both believed in, but i guess, it's not being appreciated. my heartfelt intentions became threatened. everything was being overly analyzed with assumptions and scrutiny. you expect perfectness, and while falling short of that perfection wasn't acceptable, justified analysis were just excuses for your exit. u didnt want the darkness, and i'm guess i also should be thankful that u forced the exit before i could even fall in deeper with someone who couldn't love me and my flaws.
but with u, i am thankful coz u allowed me to discover my darknesses and somehow, allowed me to face it. coz initially, i thought like while doing it for myself, it was doing it for u, and hence, the route was more promising. subsequently, i was and i am determined to just do it for myself just so i could love myself better. but in the end, it'll never be enough for u. the r/s really made me search for the epitome of my hurt and deep issues that comes with being in a r/s with someone i love so much.
in it, i also learnt to let go. if i can love someone so deeply, i should also learn that people whom u can love so deeply aren't bound to stay anyways. nothing on this earth is definite.


some things i just dont understand is that, ppl say they want a clean break, they want me to move on and all.. but they are the ones who bear the grudges and just retaliating with all these actions and intentional non-actions which are essentially actions on their own. on my part, i'm sorry for still showing affection through my little actions in which i failed to control. but if friendship is what we've agreed upon, i guess it just makes u guys promise breakers. well, promises are never meant to be kept anyways. promises are just statements that comes with an expectation and pressure to uphold what's being said upon. they shouldn't mean anything.

anyway, sorry for veering off to my top 2 issues of the heart. hahas
but yea
i decided to write about this coz i discovered something through my sis.
so basically, my sis had some issues with some ppl and she approached be about it via WA. not gg to talk about whatever it is, but in her actions and words, i finally saw myself.

its like, i felt like i really could understand what she's trying to do and have done.
i saw myself which what ppl have been seeing of me. i never understood why all these people said all these hurtful things to me and i guess now, i kinda understand why.
idk how to explain in words the feeling of the revelation, but to some extent, it was helpful for my learning self.

my sister and i are both of the same kind in terms of our expression. we express love, what we care for in our own ways. and in these ways, not many people can appreciate and understand us. hence, this is also y i realized there's an uncanny level of similarities in the struggles we face in life, work and love. we dont share much about our lives, but some how, we just know.
when it comes to the issues / situations we care for, we tend to be very defensive, very quick to react when fighting for the ones we love, especially if its with the one we love. one of the reasons i'd like to conclude with is that we've just very passionate and honest. we dont hold back our words towards what we care for.  the good intention is always there, but the delivery often gets misunderstood and more often than not, gets boycotted. sometimes, it all just backfires and ppl whom we love alot just used that at weapons back at us just because they will never understand.

the rational explanation lies in our upbringing. in our family, we never hold back our words. we probably only limit the profanities coz it is just 'right' that vulgarities shouldn't be used in a household. we love each other in our own blunt honest ways. never with the hearts and flowers. just the tough love, tough words, and hard coded actions. our family understands and only loves via tangible actions; also like how mother poon can cane and slap the life out of us. many things we dont say. we just know. we just love. and that's really how we roll. its our culture, we've internalized it as individuals as our values and hence, struggle with coping with the face value of society. because of our bluntless, we often argue, scold and shout. we're a hot tempered bunch, but just somehow amazingly and without any confrontation or talk, the next day just gets better w/o enough trying or any explaining. its something i think we take for granted, not because we dont appreciate, but its because, since love is alrdy in its tough raw form, there is really no need to break it down. our intentions though may never be explicitly clear, we all just know what it means to love a person, a family member.

hence, to the outside world, we probably seem as people who dont appreciate the hearts and flowers though we unfortunately might like them only because of the face value of what society has taught us. i think this is my first time blogging in such analysis with my family, but i think after getting pass the 30 mark, the solid advantages of tough love are starting to unfold and reveal its true, blunt, raw value. not many people will understand and expect this and likewise, we shouldn't and cannot expect anyone to understand and appreciate such foundation for love.


so, the one big takeaway this yr so far other than loving myself is, never to lose my independence. hahas. that statement sounded abrupt and as if out of nowhere, but that's also how ppl and why people can say they love me and then choose to walk out on me entirely. bc of k1, i had to learn dependence which something mutually exclusive of that. all the adjustments really made me lose myself.
i think a few weeks ago, i twitted something like "I thought 2020 was gonna be abt discovering myself again. But so far, it seems i alrdy knew. I just need to pull it altogether once again".


so, going back to the drawing back, all the ingredients are there, never lost. i just need to piece them back together and be proud of who i am, along with the lessons and experiences.
unfortunately for this year, i've also told myself to not fall in love with anyone so deeply anymore. someone once told me, to 'find someone who loves you more than u can love him'. haha. why should i? let him find me instead. hahas. but nah, i'm really tired.
one distinctive change i see in myself that, i'm less hard-hearted now. its like, at every emotional scene on a media that's playing, i tear up easily. in the past, i never tear i guess also coz i always think like, y bother crying when it doesnt change anything. nowadays, almost every touching scene would open up my tear ducts. even at one of the government's ad about cny also made me tear up siol. lol.
yea. so TSL came out with 4 episodes of Alternate Beginnings. i cried at every episode and even at the trolling bonus episode. ahhas. idk if its something to be thankful for, but i guess i'm more relatable to all the struggles. not broken, but its like soft-boil egg now. hard on the outside, but softie on the inside.

haha. whatever.
anyway, thanks for reading, or rather, thank you blogger for letting me sit down and organize my thoughts and emotions through typing. i do feel like coz of engineering, its becoming more difficult to express myself, but i guess it doesnt matter anymore.
i'm just so glad and thankful that i can finally start being myself again.
thank God as always.




Covid is really an issue coz it messing up so much planned activities.
some of which has affect some of my peer's date of graduation.
most of the sporting leagues are also cancelled, and through all these, the nation is trying to work together and stay united for each other.
for me, other than the usual sch and miscellaneous activities, one outstanding thing was about my bowling tournament. remember back in early January when i was just super devastated about not getting the sponsorship to bowl in Copenhagen? (click here to read) yea. so the prestigious world international airline bowling tournament got cancelled. the sportsclub withdrew the sponsorship and some of the guys who have booked the flight tickets all not have like issues of cancellation / refund and all. i mean, i'm not happy or what, but just felt like thank God for watching over me? His plans are always higher than ours and i just need to learn to trust Him more, and not let my own humanly thinking cloud His love.


other than that, sch and work.
dun think i have time to blog about work coz there's also alot to just vomit out, also coz Airshow was another event worth documenting.
but yea, in sch, this is becoming an unexpectedly heavy sem though it's just my shortest-3mod sem.
learning how to code in Python and my fyp is using Java in Android Studio.
really alot and probably too much to cover for what is expected given the time frame, but somehow, i have this little feeling that i know i can excel this. like how i can excel in Excel. hahas pun intended, but i know i'm better than an average Excel user. hahas
but i really struggle with the assignment and its not just me. there are moments that i feel like i cant graduate just bc i can't submit a good assignment to be even qualified for the exams. but i just handed in one assignment this week and hence have abit of time to just empty my internal system cache. hahas. and now, we're going into Objected Oriented Programming.
hah.

you know, though it's just so intense to be coding hours everyday, i'm just thankful that it keeps my mind busy and focused to learn. on the other hand, while i tend to slip and give up on fighting for my 2nd upp  (coz there's really little faith and confidence) while riding on a possibility of 3.99 , i'm glad I'M NOT YET GIVING UP.  if i can be so aggressive in fighting for someone, Y NOT FIGHT FOR MY GPA. hahas. yea.
so that's my focus for now till June.

and yea, just how that the covid situation will peak soon and then improve like mad; also coz i really wanna go Nepal this year. it's been something i've been trying save up / have time for for yearsss.
okok. better go back into coding. thanks again. :)
(not going to be reading through and vetting for the error. sorry for the internal and external mess.)

prog ur shit

u're so cold that it makes the Python language colourful.
so stubborn like a tuple.

many things to blog.
really feel like blogging.
but i need to get my shit together and do with project well.

i always loved march coz most of my fav ppl's  birthdays fall in march.
i dont rmbr birthdays much, but for some ppl, it just happen to rmbr.
so, no one is going to ruin March.

We Started Out as Far Away Ones

think i've posted this poem like 2 times throughout these few yrs alrdy.
but let me do some continuation..


10 Sep 2017

We started out as far away ones
Chasing after setting suns
Just like any other nonchalant passerbys
Never knowing that we're gonna be by each other's side

Days and months passed while  in TAD
Be it at Loyang or ALH we just dont see
But one fine day I recieved a Twitter direct message
And unspokenly realized that we're both of pretty damaged

Amplified turmoils of the heart were seen
And for everyday we started scrolling at our screen
Daily nothings became each other's somethings
Over two long years without even trying

For 2 muted years we just kept texting
While occasional silences became internally defeaning
Still no physical interaction besides virtual communication
Besides that day when i held the B777 MEC door for you without any hesitation

Then one night came when the current was too strong
We missed each other but saying it would sound too wrong
It was during your night shift while i finished attending a wedding
But like lightning we just needed some immediate grounding

Then somehow at two in the morning
We found ourselves sitting on that bench talking abt our daily nothings
T'was too soon that you had to leave at two forty-five
But during departure it was that one hug that helped us survive

We started out as far away ones
Now looking forward to complete more runs
Travelling, backpacking, trekking and climbing
Hearing your heart beating while watching and feeling the warm sun rising

16 Feb 2020

we started out as far away ones
now drifting further until we're no longer each other's suns.
reverting back to a stranger in the crowd
always under those dark hovering clouds

the butterflies still flutter each time i look at you
but now with wings like knives slicing through deep ocean blues
when u look away and disregard my presence
it always leave me questioning my existence

i dont know if it is right to say i miss you
coz nothing will ever be right coz i dont even have a clue
i am only happy when u're happy
even though i'm not the one to make ur love go crazy

right from the start i knew that i couldn't be the one for you
and even told you that she's the one that could make ur heart full
i still rmbr we argued coz u said i shouldn't be saying all that
but i have always loved you and hence i had to acknowledge all that crap

they say that loving you is letting you go
and so i have but somehow it aint seems so
i guess i still love you but only from afar
trying to peek through every door that's left ajar

i dont think i'd dare wish for you to come back near
coz with u there's always this good and bad fear
i miss hearing your comforting voice
though its the very same one that gave me no choice

everyday i'd still be silently praying for you and ur family
coz u'd always be that precious one to me
even when ur eyes choose to roll away each time u see me
i'd promise to respect that distance u'd want to keep from me

i no longer dare wish for u to be my friend
coz there's really nothing left for us to amend
so i guess while we started out as far away ones
we're gonna be adrift and no longer be each other's suns.

20 pins from Copenhagen

sigh.

i rarely feel this disappointed for bowling, but today is different.

i just got home, its bright and sunny, but i feel like blogging right now coz i'm feeling so so shitty. i wanna talk to someone about it, but i guess this is the only place left.

so. 20 pins away from 4th.

top 4 gets sponsored to bowl at the International Airline Bowling League, this yr at Copenhagen.

Denmark. i dun even know anything about this place and i'd probably wont be going there in my life time.

but today, i had a shitty first block of 3 games, that dropped my position to the 5th place.

yesterday, i was like 3rd, but WLL caught up while i couldn't connect my strikes. there were alot of pin 10s and splits as well, so i ended up 4th. 

i was actually feeling quite comfortable. coz i was about 100 pins ahead. and i knew my games were ok. 

but today first block of 3, i had like 102, 160 147. had like 6 splits in that first game and missed a few unforgiving spares. when i saw that 102, i knew i was in trouble. i couldn't see SS's score coz her lanes b4 the shift was right at the other side. she's a straight bowler, so nothing really affects her.. like no matter what lane condition, it doesn't matter. no rev, no speed, but its ok, coz her spares are more accurate.

the backend was pretty sharp in today. had a few 7-10s, countless pin 10s and every game was averaging like 3 to 4 splits. i did managed to convert some though it wasn't enough.

on the 5th game, ss was bowling beside me. she didn't do so well while i finally (after 8 games) found a comfortable line to avoid the head pin entry. on the final game, i was just 30 pins away.  but b4 that, yea, i opened the 10th frame... on a freaking pin 5. she had 2 open frames in her 6th game, so i was like.. ok. i still got this. i'm still in the game.

but she bowled well, had a turkey and finished with 168. my lanes were bowling slower i still had 6 more frames to go. in the last game, i opened another pin 5 on the first frame... and then on the 5th frame. i had a 4-6 split. i knew that was it. i needed a 200 game to win her and with that 2 open frames... its not gg to happen even if i strike home.

so i fck care my routine, and just anyhow bowl my shots.. cleared a pin 10 without even bowling properly and then a 4 beggar came in till the 10th frame, and i finished off pretty strongly with 181. not a very high score, but decent enough considering today's condition.

sigh.

too late though.

to give myself an excuse, my thumb was swelling since ytd.

during the practice throw today, i was like. omg. this is painful.

subsequently, the pain just intensifies. every shot i went, i did one pre-swing first so i wouldn't tense up the shot. and i felt the pain with each swing. so after the first swing and b4 i go, the only statement in my head was "pain is just mental feeling. it doesn't affect ur game. stay low and follow through".

but yea, the competition was really too strong to think about my pain.

i really wanted to go this year. 

coz i'm not sure if i'd still be with this airline in the next year.

and this year, i should be more or less done with sch. 

i'm always falling short in life.

its like... previous yrs, i could't bowl the selection coz i didn't have enough leave to take coz of sch. and the tournament in april is too close to may exams. this yr i dont have anymore written exams to study for.. so it was really a gd opportunity. 

and in the last 5 yrs, first yr i didn't get involved.. and yr 2-4, AA hasn't joined the company yet. now with AA, there's really no chance in winning any women's title, any other outside airline tourney, even for EC side coz she's from EC too. i mean i'm glad that i get a chance to bowl with her coz i used to watch her bowl while she was in the nat team as well as sportssch. just too bad that this year, no chance to bowl with her again.

i'm like very disappointed. 

like more disappointed than i can even describe.

i wanna talk to u. but for what?

what issit that i wanna hear?

its ok, try again next year?

u did ur best.. dont give up?

nothing really would change the outcome though.

i had my chances but i'm always falling short at the last min.

what a start to 2020. it hasn't really been great so far. but who cares. least its not like 2018.

perhaps, all these is just to prep me mentally for graduation - if i'm gg to grad with a GPA of 3.99, 0.01 short of 2nd upp honours.

really..... whatever man.

nothing really works for me in life. hahas

as i'm typing now, each space bar i hit with my right thumb still hurt. i'm icing intermittently, so my keyboard is wet now. maybe i should stop. if this com crashes, i can say bye bye to my fyp and graduating liao.

so bye.

let me go wallow myself up in self-pity and play some mobile games since i got no you, no one really cares or listen to my worries, just like the last half of last year and every year.

by now, i should start getting used to this. 

nobody cares and i shouldn't too.

word

Oh wow. Saw this and i became speechless.

1st day of the next phase

so, 1st jan.

i had dinner with the disney pricesses.

everyone's getting married.

conversations are now about wedding stuff, hotels, banquets, housing, etc.

somedays i feel like i'm there, but just not there.
we all ended early coz everyone had work the next day, while its gg to be night shift for the next day.
i wanted to hang out late, like just go out and chill.
but i realized, i didn't have anyone.


i'm not sure if i'm feeling lonely. or like feeling not lonely and in denial.

so i went home.
and just as i reached home, k2 texted me.
it was probably a chance for him to close this chapter for me - to make it clear that he's so done with me. probably in a polite and damage-controlling way as well.

its quite funny coz, b4 his text, i'm more or less like.... know that this is no longer my fight anymore since he wasnt interested in me anymore much earlier. he was probably finding someone else alrdy.
but this text to not do anymore damage did some damage anyways.
perhaps he has found someone else alrdy and just dont want to feel all these grayness that's probably looming around him. but he's a smart guy anyway, so i really shouldn't be thinking for him since all these ppl always knows whats best for themselves right.

but unfortunately, i went back to scroll some of our texts, regretfully re-reading all those words spoken then. looking back, i was clear about this r/s. i wanted it to work but i only could be patient about it. on the other hand, back then, he sounded so clear, so sure, so patience. but those were just words. while i can only miss him, he's probably moving on, easily finding someone less messed up. hahas.

i started to lament again, like why ppl like to come in and then walk out.
why did i open up my feelings to ppl whom i have good feelings for, though i couldn't be sure.

but one thing for sure is that, while trying to demolish all these mental walls while with k1 and k2, i'm rebuilding them back up again.
i was probably naive to think that these ppl who understood me could be someone i could really trust my fragility with, but all i learnt was that i can let my fragile heart protect itself. to only grow more resilient and hard with the scars grown over and over.


i didnt think i would be walking into 2020 like this.
but its not that bad.
probably just trying to vomit the remaining hurt that's left.
i'm probably not as lonely as i think as i am. probably just trying to embrace the fact that all these girls are going to get married, start a a family, have kids, have priorities and all. so when they say things like 'lets plan a holiday together', i having all these negative doubts and vibes.
its like... we did try to plan a few short trips over last few years, but its always the 'saving up for house', 'saving up for marriage', and all. all these will never end u know. after marriage, its even more savings for the kids and all. No money go SEA countries with friends, but got money to travel to european countries with fiancee. Issit husband pay all? Like tt I also want to find rich husband. Hahahahs. i dont mean to sound bitter, but pls, dont give hopes like that. Or rather, its really ok to be truthful about ur priorities coz thats how friends can grow. But yea, im not hoping for anything also, since i cant start a family with any of them hahahaha. I understanding.

So let's be real people.
all these friendships will and should never be priorities coz in life, u'd only fight for what u love, not what u desire to love.
hence, it all brings back to that fundamental formula - work hard, earn more money, spend on those who love u, i.e, mother poon.


big sighs, but whatever.
if life, i'm always the one chasing for something that can never be reached.
just like my work.
my aviation journey. each time i'm about to reach my goal, policies change. then, its another 4-5 additional years to chase for the revised goal.
how many 5 yrs we have? i've probably "wasted" a good 10 yrs of my life. i mean, i'm thankful with all the experiences i could gain at wherever i was, but its really tiring u know.
just like my r/s. nothing really works.
and in the mean time, my uni classmate, same age as me, just bought a pair of SQ first class suite tickets to japan to surprise her husband for his bday. hahas. how many months of work does it take for me to earn an sq first class suite ticket? (not even talking about a pair.) hahahs. geez.

if u know me, i'm always a person who believes in hardwork.
i believe like if u put ur mind into getting something done, u'd achieve it eventually.
but over these few yrs, i realize, hardwork is never enough.
that's not how the scheming world works. so i really should stop having that thought and just focus on profiting just for myself. not one really cares about hardwork. ppl only see what u achieve, not the process. so stop lying urself or giving urself false affirmations just to comfort ur failures.