LAST PAPER

today's the LAST PAPER of this 5 arduous years of this work-study routine.
idk if it's too premature to be xiao celebrating abit, but YASS.
i'm actually filled with alot of emotions right now though i have 1 more fyp presentation next week till i totally finish all the sch stuff before the release of examination results.

its been awhile since i blogged because i'm happy.
looking at the trashy past posts, it makes my life so dark, which it was.
this 5 yrs, i've really sacrificed alot, but i wanna share what's on my immediate mind now.

first, i want to thank the grp of sch friends. i didnt think i would make any friends in sch, since this deg is supposedly catered to working adults who would be busy ppl. the demands of the curriculum proved otherwise. i mean, there are people who are not working and also struggle with graduating. the grp of friends which i should name are ant, tim, des, andrew and in the later part of the years, paul, yy, kaileng, shirlynn and wilson. i honestly thought i could do this on my own. but really, no. we all worked as a team, and trusted each other. i mean like, everyone tries their best and no on really leeches on each other and i think its a wonderful grp to be working tgr.  so in a way, everyone learns alot more together and being engineering, everyone's mostly black and white. no grey areas. hahahs we do argue over workings and stuff like that, but i'm glad everything happened. ahhahs. i hope that everyone in the sch could be like this coz this aerospace deg is really mad tough. i mean like, i dont wanna discredit other degree programmes coz other than taking a business one, idk whats gg on in other programme. but really.
i guess also coz in year 2 / 3, the gg was going for the autonomous and 'local uni' status, trying to break free from UniSIM to SUSS. the lecturers were all changing the syllabus, making exam papers harder and we really felt their efforts. some of the exam qns really cant do. the qns were really to freaking test ur understanding and application. in a good way, because it was so hard, everyone can't do, so nobody fail coz the sch had to moderate it. i rmbr for the legendary EAS309 Aerodynamics module. hahas. i counted like i could only get 37/100 if i'm lenient to give myself 1 mark for formula and a few follow-through method marks. i was confident that i would fail it. in the end, i got a B. LOL. that's how much they had to moderate. so the legendary lecturer says "no on fails my exam. you only fail yourself when u dont turn up for the paper"- TJK. hahhahhahahahas. (when we asked him if the paper would be difficult). look how right he is. hahahahs.
but yea, i'm proud to say i'm one of the students who lived through this status change, also for my BEHAS course to attain the Engineering Accreditation by EAB and IES. (ok i googled the latter. can't rmbr whats the engrg stunt for also. ahhahas)

to try and do a comparision, for my marketing deg, i can just study 1 week b4 exam week and no problem. easily manged a B with fluff. but for this engineering deg ah, wah lau. cannot smoke. cannot fluff. if u really duno how to do the q, the most u can do is just throw in some formula and hope for the best and moderation. i really struggled so much and even after feeling good about some papers, i dare not aim for an A. and for most of the papers, i started studying damn hard and focusing on the exams 3.5 weeks before coz that's when we're mostly done with the quizzies, lab reports and TMAs.
there were some mgmt modules in this programme and i'm proud to say i got A for of them. for most of the TMAs, i'm also one of the top few. sorry, just had to brag coz i really put in alot of effort and all those report writing in my poly / uni days really helped.
so yea. i wasnt doing well in yr 1 and 2 on my own. mostly Bs and Cs. but with the friends made in yr 2 onwards, i was mostly getting As and Bs...


2ndly, i guess i wanna thank my collegues.
most of the ppl at work dont like ppl who are studying because of the 'study shift' which initially means to change from MM1EN to MMNN. pattern. after the company changed the shift timings, our 'study shift' timings couldn't change to coming in 2.5h earlier for night shifts coz we end classes at 10pm. so most of the guys were unhappy. so yea, through the 5 yrs, alof of ppl didnt like me. the spvrs and some ppl tried to get me out of their dept / team and all. basically there were alot of judgement and scrutiny.  this 'study shift' thing came about alse because of me. i was the one who fight for it 4 yrs ago. in a way, its a win-win situation coz its always the M and especially N shift that needed more men. but well. no one sees it this way because 1. people are selfish. 2. an insecure company always think that the employees are always out there to take advantage of the system.
so for my first yr of studies, it was alot of time-offs and then paying back on offdays, which means 0 overtime. the mgmt wanted it, but HR couldn't deal with the paperwork and it was alot of operational concerns in the end because it was very disruptive when it comes to tool prep, accountability and stuff like that.  and yea, there's aaaaaallllottt going on everywhere in which i dont think i should mention here. so all in all, after 10000 yrs, the company finally had a study shift. of course many guys weren't too happy about it because some of them wanted to study when they're much younger because, let's just say 'operational demands' hold the key excuse to every single bloody thing.
so anyway, because of this 'study shift', many ppl started studying legitly and this makes me really happy. at least i could do something for the guys around me. there's gotta be haters, but then again, why didnt u fight for it? i didn't just fight and get what i wanted u know. i had to draft out stuff, make plans, showed my plans, showed how things could also benefit operationally and all. that mgmt guy wasn't too happy because of all the residing politics, but if u wanna change for the better, u gotta change. at this point in time, like i mean, after 5 yrs, i've grown out of the haters. there are days where i literally cry when i ride home from work because of the nasty things ppl say to me or from what ppl tell me whether true or not, but at the end of the day, look at the progress. look at how many guys can finally get their diplomas after working for 10 over yrs in the company.
i'm really proud of it you know. some of them have like 3 kids and all, and willing to go through 2 more yrs of work-study just for that earlier increment because any qualification that is higher from the last in which u used it to enter to company, allows u for a jump in technical grade, which transcends to a small monthy increment which is a multiplier effect if you do overtime.

when i was in the mgmt, i didn't think overtime was a big deal. i often wondered why those ground workers argue and fight over doing OT. to me (at that time), no need work overtime good what.
there was once 2 guys came to my office and quarreled infront of me regarding OT. i thought like, wth, y so serious sia. chill. i had to like explain things to them like a caring mother omg. hahaha. now that i'm a ground worker myself, omg. hahahs. this shit is real. its not just 'OT' and the money, but there's so many tied around it. so much emotions, so much anger, so much opportunity costs, so much to lose in all.  its all RELATIVE. its such a sensitive thing just because of poor corporate culture and all the shit which i dont want to explain because this is suppose to be a nice post. hahahahas. maybe next time. but for now, let's just say that i've learnt that the valuation of money is really relative. it like, to you, maybe $1 is not alot. but if $1 is the only money that u're accessible to when u want to get from jurong to pasir ris, $1 may be a life-saver.

so yea, thank u for the very few and countable collegues who understood and supported me in any way. to me, by not condemning ppl who study or just diligently doing ur own work and watching out for ur own safety means supporting me in some ways alrdy. so yes, thank you, especially during exam periods.


next, my friends.
firstly, i'm sorry if i dont message / write letters anymore. i realized i've stopped doing them after 2016, which is also the start of sch. thank u for those who stood by me, for those who msged or just kept the distance. i wanna thank 2 ppl who keep popping up in my mind. Amanda (+ sz) and Estee. like amanda who randomly shows up and surprises me and mother poon with bubble tea and cakes and estee who sends me bday cards and all the nice stuff even though she's like 100000km away. i feel so blessed. really. its like, the are really my pillars. ok la, and dickson who occasionally accompanied me to study while he killed time by doing some of his work or watch netflix while i painstaking solved mathematical equations and fourier transforms. hahahs. thanks for the time we had ice cream tgr after my brain was close to overheating for the overdrive. but yea. these are my pillars.
idk if i'm able to survive.

in 2018, k1 left and it killed me inside. 2019 came, and k2 stabbed in further when i was still trying to find myself. i dont hate them, but i find it hard to believe that i'm actually thankful that they came in and walked out from my life just like that. to some extend, i am sorry for myself for trusting them because i thought i could, but both of them taught me so much. there's more gratitude than hatred though both emotions are equally intense when it comes to them. (wah, finally for the first time, i feel like i can write out the emotions almost closely to how i feel about it.) i do hope they are well because i know they're gonna be better off w/o me anyways. hahahs. coincidentally or ironically, these 2 persons are also graduating from their respective schs this year. so some promises like "i will be there for your graduation" are going to be broken - not because i'm not graduating, but either because 1) i am no longer existent in ur life or 2) covid-19 circuit breaker measures. lol. hahahahahs.
there are days where i have subtle intentions of trying to creep into the graduation hall or smth just to take a few photos of u guys coz i know it was a tough time getting through ur respective programmes as well. but one thing k2 taught me was self-worth. i will need to work on loving myself more before i can really love anyone. let me just learn to thrive on that for now.

tbh, i never thought that graduation is a big thing. actually now i also dont think its a big thing coz its just a ceremony for ppl to read out the long list of ppl leaving the sch. its not like u're more impressive because u attended graduation or take photos to have proof of ur graduation. hahas. but because of this particular BEHAS programme, this 5 yrs is worth a celebration of and with the ppl whom u love and who stood by u throughout tough times.


thirdly, my rugby / bowling / climbing circle. i think to some extent, its quite rude to be in and out seasons like that. but really no choice. it was always saving up my leaves for exams. so if i'm not working, i'm studying. i didnt have much time to do anything or have the energy to do it if i wanted to. u know like energy cannot be created or destroyed right. ahhas. so like, if i spent more time and energy in doing activities that i would like to do, it would mean that i have less energy to focus on my studies. the amount of sleep time i am allowed to is probably just enough to survive work and abit of study. so yea, this is what it means by sacrifices. idk how to link this ideology of sacrificing to sacrificing the people you love, but let's just say love is complicated. hahah.


lastly, mother poon. and abit of the sister.
mother poon who' still a full time mother and housewife even though there's no living husband. she still faithfully cooks for me when i can be home for dinner, does the house work, changes my bedsheets and washes my uniform and underwear. on some bad days,  we some how would end up retaliating each other with brutal harsh honest words, but then somehow, next day like everything ok. nothing seems to affect us. i really think that's love. we love by actions and not by words. in this world, there is no one who can be like this, that's y i say mother poon is best. we have no manners and that's our manners. idk if its also taking each other for granted, but i dont feel like its that way because we can be who we wanna be, and still love each other without needing any words of validation. its a love so deep that u can't just say oh i love mother poon coz that doesn't justify the depths of it. i dont think anyone (other than my dad also) who have loved me this way.
for my sister, also along the same lines. i guess u can say its a family culture. but tangibly, thank u for printing my reports with crazy submission deadlines. sometimes even trying to get the correct colour tone of the report. ok. if we fight again, i'll rmbr the day u help me print that one final report. haha i still rmbr not sleeping for 2 nights in row and staying up in changi T2 just to complete it. i was super focused. i think got about 100 pages of words, tables, graphs and images. eh, we were given less than a week to complete it after coming back from UK. and ah, i got a 92 for it and i deserve that mark. HAHHAHA.



ok. yea. that's more or less of the things that came to my mind when i submitted the paper.
i didnt think the last paper i did would be at home instead of the memorable freezing examination all. its like, i still have the jitters each time the say 'you may begin'. idk if its a conditional response coz for the first 5 mins of the paper in the exam hall, i'll panicked abit even on some subjects that i'm confident of. i got a feeling its coz of PSLE. hahahs but like today and last week, like not much of a problem. i guess also coz its the first time i only have 1 paper per week. so its like 2 papers in 2 weeks as compared to last time 4 papers 1 week.
whatever it is, i'm so glad its over.
so what's next.



the very first thing on my list in which mother poon has been waiting for about 10 yrs is....
1. clear out my room
its not just about packing it, but clearing it so i can pack it.
2. pack my room
yea.  i mean all these after i super complete my fyp uh.


write letters.
Learn korean so to appreciate Korean dramas better.
climb
do scrapbooks
gym more. but for now more calisthenics workout?
TRAVEL OMG. this one. i've waited 5 yrs for NEPAL. but ok, i will wait.
bring mother poon to angmoh country like london.
class 2
class 3 (yea, looks like i'm prioritzing scrapbooking over this hahas)
i want forklift license also
towtug license
sort out dad's toolbox. idk how i'm gg to do this though. maybe not happening. ahhas

recently, i have thoughts like i'm gg to die soon. like i can hear my heartbeat, my breathing and stuff like that. i have dreams of the past unresolved issues with people, but no, i dont have dreams of my dad or ppl who have passed on. but idk. i hope that i dont die soon even i'm saying all these glibberish stuff. u know like those spooky coincidences. hahas yea. okok no. God bless me. pls keep me on this earth at least as long as mother poon is alive. anything after that is fine.

so what's really next?
change job?
idk. i wanna do my masters. but i dare not think about it. its not about not dreaming big, but there's mother poon. there's $. and there's the opportunity costs and sacrifices which i think its not fair to those who love me around me.

u know, k1 and i once argued because he said i was selfish. he said i was selfish to be doing any other degree at the expense of everything and everyone around me because i arldy had a degree and didnt need another one. i felt so shitty coz i mean like, he also studying what. that arguement happened when i was in year 2 and i didnt quite understand it. i thought like wth, can't i just study just coz i wanted to? like what'swrong in wanting to pursue passion. but after 5 yrs and losing him and the time and people around me, yea, i guess i was. and i've also learnt like, u can't justify everything just because of passion or heart.
not everything that does with the heart is fine u know. i think its some hard facts that i still find it hard to swallow, but that's the truth and its one of the bigger lessons i've learnt throughout this journey.
its like, mother poon is getting old. she's still walking fine. but not like can walk 5km non stop kind. there's a limit / time limit to everything and that's why i've always been workign hard and giving my best to everything i do. but i overlooked something. i cannot do my best in everything. as in, i shouldnt be wanting to do so many things coz there's a limit to the amount of time / amount of energy of the people around.

i guess thats why when we're younger, we always hear adults tell us like 'do your best', 'time management', 'work hard'.. .all these simple little advices. but now when i'm older, i do see the tangible expense and value that are tradeoffs. its because that i've given my best in all that i do, the little things always seem to matter and everything becomes a blurr when i can't be focused or motivated.  there's so much to really evaluate about it. haha i guess thanks to the academic vigour for this long train of thoughts. probably should write a book.

hahas omg. i've spent about 2hrs typing. sorry i got carried away. thanks for reading if anyone is reading hahahhahs. idc if its just the digital systems accessing these codes, but i'm just thankful for this year and the people who have stayed.