life's good

hahas. been gg to Old PA to cisco academy for trng.

been the theory wk. like 8am till 5pm of theory.
hahas. didn't know as a part-timer, cisco really trains every single staff to be fit for the world. i mean like, since we're gg to be working in the airport, it would be the first/last touch point for every single visitor right.

hahas. throughout the course, i'm learning alot. and really, marketing (as much as i try to escape from it) is really very inevitable. even in the SOPs of security officers, it has blended in well.


life's been good coz for these 10-11 days of course, it seems like gg to sch. and being paid for it.
so day in day out, its like school, then trng. hahas. since contact's out of season, no intense fitness. but, touch season is on and wed's night Track of Pain is very much on.



just yesterday, only 5 ppl turned out. Track of Pain aka. TOP, was still on, hahas- Potluck style. each of us had to introduce our set of fitness and we shared amongst each other.omg. hahahas. shaggged max. hahas. since it was just the 5 of us. 3 very fit men who's 2 angmoh 1 super fast sgaporean + a very fit herseybaby, i had no choice but to try and keep up with the pain. hahahhaas.
but it was fun and conducive.


as of typing this now, stretching out my leg would send pain signals yea.

but yea. i do miss abit of contact work. all that hard work, seeing the team getting physically stronger. hope we dont stop here. we're gg to be back muchhhh stronger next year.



yep, i owe u guys an awesome post on my awesome #likeaboss bangkok trip! ahhahas.



so work life is more or less like that. still 80% thinking if i should really start my aerospace engineering career in june. nw with all the bombardments of airport security, terrorists, sops and all, i'm getting really interested in security, especially in the airport. hahaahhas! i'm still thinking of working as a traffic controller, sign on as an APO or something. hahhhahas. and about my fireman dream, i'm still very much sad about it and full with a revengeful disdain towards it. hahas. i mean no harm. just feeling sour coz i cant eat the grapes (chinese idiom lah, dey.) i still want to fight fires. hear my cries! hahhas




lastly.
hmmm..

its been loong since i've mentioned about you here.
and what's been awesome, i can sense that u're really getting out of my head. slowly, but surely evaporating. life's really been so much easier w/o u in my head every single day. finally man. after 5 long years of inner struggle.
maybe coz i've not personally seen u for a very long time. not once at all this whole yr. maybe since last dec.
it was somewhat like that previously, when i thought that i've let go of u totally, until i saw u on the rugby field and my life sank back down again. wahhahas.
but this time, i think it'll be much better. coz really, internally, i feel more..... relieved. (:
as for now, i'm still with a subtle sense of resistance towards relationships. i become very shy (hahas. ok. wrong choice of words),... cautious, i'd say, with guys. i dont think i can every place such 100% in anyone else. not unless it's gg to be very God driven with conviction. hahas. and, i should be moving out of aimless, fruitless, senseless, usesless and disappointing thoughts/pressures/tendencies, towards girls. HAHHAS. i think it's just a part-of-growing-up phase la k. HAHHAS. dont judge me.




so now. i lead an open lifestyle. but still, need a more disciplined walk with God who loves me the most.
i dont think its because of my absence in church / distance from Him makes me feel that we all need God's strength. but more so, its more like because i tend to do more things and get to exposed to more situations, i realized that everything's really in God's control and its not just about luck and fate and stuff. God's been the one who knows the big picture and plans everything out for everyone. no matter how small and insignificant u think u may seem to a huge God up there, God has His unfathomable ways of time and risk management and. hahas. i.e. someone prays for rain vs someone prays for sunshine. hahas.
so yes. we all need an assurance in life and its only with God being the Captain of our lives who can steer us in the right and best option. even if its through the waves, He'll really see us through. dun wanna go into all the verses coz it very much of the famous ephesians / jeremiah verses.

and yes.
i miss thailand. not so much of bangkok, but the villages in chiangmai. hope the battle there is gg on strong and the grounds are getting softer and soften. may strongholds crumble and fall and may those small groups of christians draw strength and expand His kingdom and really, tear down the walls.


keep them in ur prayers. i can't really disclose specifically. but just ask and pray. He knows. and He'll guide.



so. i really thank God for this month. the bangkok. the rest. the work. (: amen to everything.

Certis Cisco

hahas. started the 11 trng last thurs.


cute an interesting group mix of class.
i think for those who want to learn more abt security and the aviation, join cisco as an aviation security officer! (avso)
the course, though is abit long and dry, gives u a good general knowledge about the aviation industry. and what's best is that you're paid to attend the course. usually, this kind of 10-11 day course can cost up to 1.5k. ahhas. yep.

go for the experience. as a part-timer, the pay is low. but i believe the experiences would be interesting.

hahas. didn't think that a part-timer needed so much trng. and really, even in security, Marketing still plays a vital role. looks like i can't escape that part of the world. hahas.


but i'm really looking forward to start working. hahas.
hopefully, my plan of doing an specialist dip in aerospace engineering at ATTC won't be wavered by the job. hahas. coz now i'm looking at routes with the police or even cisco. HAHAS.



ok la. one step at a time. till may then decided to apply or not.


and... SIM got deg in aerospace engineering leh! but pity that it's part-time. ): coz the entry requirements dont require like a relevant diploma or smth. hahas. oh well.
we'll see!





had a good dinner with good friends at TCC today. the Culinary school at TP.
(: ahhaas.

what a 10am-4am wkend

wed was THE Track of Pain (touch fitness session)
then thurs was climbing with dickson at Kinetics.

friday night cycling. homed at 4am.
sat morng, 2 STL games. 10am.
then off to get the developed photos, and off to ulrica's Temasek hall dance production at acjc.
then 33km down, off the Blacks' end-of-season chalet at changi. homed at 3am.
sunday morng, didn't achieve the 10am church goal. hahas
then off to nad's place to help her friend do a shoot.
and now homed, with about 30 stolen guppies from her overcrowding pond. hahas.

and finally, my thighs get to rest.

Climbing

went for the lvl 1 course today held by Climbers Laboratory.
paid $65 for it. 10-5pm.
Instructor was technically good and knowledgeable.
made friends.
climbed.
got my lvl 1 cert, so i'm able to belay ppl. yay! call me out!
starting to like sports climbing now.

gloomy gloomy day

i blogged a loonggg post and blogger did not capture it.
): need anot......?!


after all the months of discipline trng, fitness, gymming and all the sacrifices, we lost the game that matters most- the finals.
we've come a longgg way, winning every other team, twice, in the league. but who cares. its the finals that matter, but it just had to happen. ):



honestly. Bedokkings played a good game keeping it simple and wide. with simple 10 bumping off 12 off the ruck, knowing that we've got a disciplined outside backs behind, they just created the numbers and space, and boomz off with one darn fast winger. one try, one conversion, and one penalty goal. bringing the score to 0-10 early in the first half. i guess we failed to adjust to that. our hands were kinda very scrappy today.


after the lightning warning along with a 15 min pause, it just enough for us to pull ourselves together and start playing rugby, we managed to score one try, bringing it to 5-10 in their favour. it was really an intense nerve-wrecking forwards-killing last 5 mins at the try area.... just as i really really thought that we could just make that one more try... BEEEEEPPPP. there goes the buzzer which killed all our hearts.


zomg.


just like that!


ok la. its not THAT sad of a game coz really, it was a good fight.
but with that, i'm sure to be looking forward to more crazy fitness.




oohhh wells.
next year! till then.

go BLACKKKSS!

loner

when you have many friends,
but you have none.


when on one day, u can be so busy while others are free,
and on another, when everyone's busy but you're free.


so melancholic me nowadaysmonths.


hahas. sorry, i dont wish to blog about the you again today.


i always tell myself, dont compare. you can always aim higher, just dont compare
God always answers ur prayers in 'yes', 'in good time' or 'I've got something better for you.
hahas. whacking all the motivational phrases ah. haha.


ya. and some ppl can just dont need to sacrifice but still achieve or get what they want.
i can add a the 'f**king' word to it, but whatever. it doesn't make a difference



really, sometimes, we dont really know what's best for us. even after we stumble and fall, the world just seems to engulf ourselves. we lose our identity and then we complain that we lose our identitiy.
social medias have really taken on a whole new specturm. gone were they days that blogs prevailed as sources for gossips. now u've got ur fb, twitter and even instagram to even cross-refer and piece all the information together.



it's gg to be march alrdy. so much for welcoming the new year.
how do we live our life?




sometimes i really just wanna give up my life and go save the ppl in refugee camp or something. i would really want to be a medical officer yea. but because we're all tied up in this monetary materialistic system, its so hard to breakaway from it and not affect ur immediate family members.
i do wish i'm rich at times. coz i want to just not work and go do this kind of things.



though i've set my mind on doing a specialist diploma at ATTC for one year commencing in June (which is full force towards my end goal..), I can get damn inspired by the advertisements of Singapore defence systems, and start to waver my imaginary path abit. of course, my dream / what-i-want-to-be-when-i-grow-up is to be a fireman. with that being devastating unsuccessful, leaving me to cry about my dream for 3 days 3 nights, i did explore other alternatives. medical officer, parademic, certis cisco officer, c3 airforce officer, wso fighter, and the list goes on.

and yes, this is when i get ): that i'm physically vertically challenged. you know with just 15 cm more, i can do many many more things. ):
i mean i have my own (: merits. but if it is really hindering me from doing what i really want to do, i get sad. HAHAS. whatever.


last night, mother poon was randomly telling me what are my options if she dies and our home really do get enbloc. i can't really absorb what she was saying coz i was eating dinner and we're faithfully watching our wkday hk drama shows on 856 simultaneously. but i heard her one line of "next time when u grow up and left you alone all by urself, consider selling the house and maybe u can move in to ur sis (alrdy happily married with her special ops husband) house and stay with them".
what a flawed sentence. a BIG NO WAY am i gg to live with my sis and her husband. wth. no way i'm giving up the Poon's place in bedok. its THE Poons home ok. and lastly, i think deep down in her heart, she kinda got a feeling that i'm not gg to get married and living all alone by myself. HAHAHS. what a loner/ didn't know mother poon had such deep beliefs in my marriage life.






on a random note, u know we all see the 大耳隆 in dramas. they're actually real. even the most unexpected person and be caught inbetween. kena conned into gambling and eventually boomz, before you know it, your whole family is in deeep shit. that's when families make or break. no la, not happening to the Poons in case u're letting ur thoughts go wild by now.




ppl always complain no time, no money.
seriously. everything's relative and about management.
its probably about knowing what to do, and actually persuing it when its worthwhile.










for me now, its the Aerospact vs Healthcare industry.

thank you blog for being my friend.
(like i.e, not mysteriously gg into some password reset thing and so on..)

scared what?

i think in life, we are scared of many things. no matter how brave and experienced one may be, certainly, there are things that make us quiver.



what inspired me to write this post is probably last wed's trng.


before the season started, the intensity of the trngs increased. we would build mad relationships with with red/blue sandbags and the 22m line. and after all the drills and just as we thought tt trng would finally end, we would hear "on the line, ladies.."
hahas.
it was like the return of Fitness II. but the shagged-out-max kind.


so after a few wks of it, we're kinda used to it, knowing that trngs won't come to an easy end, literally. hahas. totally embracing it. but really, i think most of us were really giving our best because that's what we want for the club and for ourselves.

but.

just this wk... HAHAHS.
after all the drills and normal drill debrief towards the end of trng, our coach paused awhile. and just when we're all expecting another "on the line" feat while waiting for her instructions, filling the field with an eerie silence with our breaths being held in, we heard "juan, take the stretch".

HAHS. OMG. hahas. there was like a pause first, before we all broke out in happy laughter. hahas.
seriously. it was dammnn funny. i think u must be in it to understand the whole thing. hahas. priceless man that moment.
a very textbook classic example of a 'huge sigh of relief' man.


(:


now we're in-season trng.. so the intensity of trng remains unchanged. but still, it feels that there's a lack of time to recover. but, suck it up man. ahhas
but no doubt, i'm sure the team has become stronger and evidently fitter.
so i'm glad that effort did pay off. hahas




scared what?



hahas. last night's trng, wing wasn't gg through with us some defence policy.
she did 2 examples; one a good defence line and the other, a bad one. hahas
she portrayed the feelings out loud of an attacker.

with a good defence line, she said "are you scared? i'm damn scared because there's so many numbers out there".
but with an ill-defence line, she said "I. AM. NOT. AFRAID". wha i tell you. it would have been awesome if i could video it down. it was said with so much gusto and just so believeable.

and she went on explaining the points of a good defence line and all. all with so much sincerity and all out to help us to understand the policy, allowing it to sink in deep. lawyer 就是 lawyer. hahas. someone should just write a book on her.





ytd, while doing the ladders/hurdles, i landed on my right ankle AGAIN. omg. 3rd or 4th time i tell you. tmd. ALWAYS like 2 wks before STL start, something like that will happen. but THANK GOD, i dont think its a bad sprain. a minor one. coz i'm still able to walk w/o limping and all though its quite swollen.
but i think it really took a toll on my performance.








so now, rugby's in, and my whole secret dancing part of my life's not.
haven't been in class for about 3 months alrdy. ):
i can feel my quads growing larger and each time it does, it at the expense of a higer develope. (a french term for the elevation/extension of the leg).

i think rugby and ballet's like a trade off.
you can't be physically equipped for both.

u need powerful quads to burst, sprint and break the line but on the other hand, you need elongated inner thigh muscles that can go on and on and on.
u need strong shoulders to take your man down, but u also need lean long grace arms.

hahas.

but in both, u need that stamina and burst. u need to train.



oh wells.


gtg. bye. ahhas. what an abrupt end.

the wkend

JB over the wkend!
won RSC 21-0
stayed at Thistle hotel again. and paintball the next day!

my aching thighs.

"Finally a day when my bag don't have a pair of trng shorts. "



let's start from last sun.


Sun: Sg Zoo Run + swimming.
mon: touch trng (not spare from fitness)
tue: fun touch
wed: THE wednesday Blacks' trng
thurs: SAQ at ccab
fri: omg. yes ah! no need to bring an extra pair of shorts in my bag.


and at this rate, i'm running out of SB to wear.



and honestly, i did think of gymming today before meeting my friends for dinner since i've not had a proper session this wk. but last night, by whole body felt like as if i've just swam across the pacific ocean; to an extent that i can't even slip way into my slumber even at 3am.
so ok. i should rest and recover.


but really.


on a a good note, knowing that i've lost my fitness during that 1 month hiatus, i know that i've gotta train hard to get it back, and even try and catch up with the team's.


like what belle said casually during trng ytd "pain is weakness leaving the body".


so on wed's mad cardio trng + all that extended love-hate relationship with the tackle pad, it felt good when i gave it my all. and i can see that evident improvement in my breathing and all those shit.
but yes. nothing's ever completed right.


not sure if its a good thing or not that i've sit out for this season.
but nonetheless i'm glad to be part of THE training sessions.
it kinda unlocked some mystery doors in my heart wrt to rugby which is starting to reignite the love for the beautiful game that i've once had and got diluted along the way.




photo taken by Eric Lim. he's got a great set on his fb.



and i thank God for all these.
tt one month away from rugby and all that sacrifices which allowed me to return close to Him again should not be in vain.




and of course, what would a sportspoon post be w/o an emo ending note about you again. HAHAHS.
u're not a fb/twitter or any social network person. so trying to find out how u're doing in ur life would turn me into an FBI agent. i wonder how u're doing in ur life now. ord arldy? sch starting? and more importantly, how's your walk with God?
been praying for you. hoping to see u return to Him. hoping to see u serving in church again and inspiring the lives of the younger ones. and also, secretly hopeing to hear ur voice again when u're singing on roster. hahas. i still rmbr that u can play the drums. not a fantastic one, but with that little lazy amount of practice, i thought that u're phenomal alrdy. ahhas. hey, i'm not being 爱屋及乌 here, but its the truth! hahas.

ok. looking forward to a rugby wkend in JB!

ambulance

while making that 2nd last turn home tonight, i saw an ambulance at the void deck.

and all of a sudden, i felt a huge wave of grief.
all of a sudden, it felt like a scene back in 2004, when my dad last left our home for the hospital in that same looking ambulance.

it was weird. coz it was all too sudden.
likka damn sad kinda thing.



i really miss my dad.
dammit.
its like we can never ever have a full family dinner or photo. there will always be that empty seat in perfect 4 table setting.
i really dont like it. and there's really nothing i can do abt it.




and tonight, i'm missing you, yet again.
what's new right.


idk y, but i've been on an emo streak.
i can't stand my girly thoughts. totally no strongholds.
ugh.


i'm honestly beginning to think that missing u is just a habit of my heart.
i just need to let go of that habit. we've not spoken properly in 5 yrs now, and i dont see what's worth hanging on to.
come on marian. come on God. i believe everything in ur time.. but this. this is too long alrdy ya.




i'm at a point where i dont complain abt life being unfair.


take it all in. look ahead.

Safari Zoo Run

hahhas. not bad. so long nv run long distance. its always the 1st km that's the hardest. once u're into in, u can go on and on. ahhas
and i'm so proud of myself that i still have not consumed isotonic drink since nov. hahas. power ah.
took alot of photos. first time running with a camera in my hand. hahas. and the phone in my pocket.



lovin the medal. so cute. should make it as keychain!


not bad la. didn't feel as shagged as previous yrs. my stamina has improved! (: must be all the recent fitness showing off. (:


after that. came home and nua abit and.. i went to swim! hahahas. shiok.
haven't swam in probably a yr alrdy! felt goodish man. if only my work place got pool, i sure go swim.
not that i like swimming, but i'd like a different kind of tiredness. ahhas.



hahas. RBS 6 Nations on now.
this is France's stand-off. Francois Trinh-Duc.
not a big fan of France. but this is disney's prince charming material ok! hahahaas

feeling likka emo now, but gd job girls!

feeling rather emo lately.
and what's irritating me is that i really dunno why.


it shouldn't be like this.
i'd rather feel alone when i dun have friends than feeling so when i have many
u've really been running through my head again lately. that's probably why. i really dont like you.
enough man. sheeesh.


):




on a good note, BLACKS WON bedok kings today YOW. 15-3.
not being a bias bitch, but we really deserved it.
we've got like at least 50% of the team having this season as their first.
and the amount of fitness, suicides and 'ladies, on the line pls" we hear (for killer fitness) from our self-coached, wing, is just paying everything off.



to really curse and swear at each whistle blown but eventually getting rewarded with sucha win is probably priceless.


we've really come a loonggg 4-5 months of disciplined trng. of course, the fight has just began only.
we've still got so much work to do. but i believe we're in good hands.


as Dean mentioned before "Wing's likka machine". i can't agree more.
she's like the coach, the one who does EVERYTHING. like planning sessions, planning camps/trngs, dilligently recording every single session down, making little books for us here and there, emails, right till managing our jerseys, equippment, fitness.. EVERYTHING LA. siaow one. yea, not forgetting, she's also a player; who is holding a full-time job ok.
really, in my life, though i've met so many ppl, by far, she's the ONE person that i'm really in awed. her level of discipline + heart together is probably... BOOMZ. i can't find a better word to describe. i think she should just go be some chij secondary sch hod of PE and discipline. with all that heart, she is gg to touch many lives ok.


i think the for the guys side, they need someone like her to create wonders. i mean like, they're so talented with all the yrs of rugby since pri sch. in good hands, i'm sure they can raise the standards of local rugby. i mean local rugby as in Singaporeans playing rugby and not expats ya.






was looking at her today.
so strong mentally and physically and with the "overcoming all obstacles with positivity" written all over her. ahhas.
and had alot of thoughts in my head.
can't amplify them out loud here but i hope that someday, there will be one sincere person who will give her that much appreciation for what she has done man. i really dun want the fire in such ppl to die out like that because of whatever the reason.
what an inspiration. ahhas.











well done Blacks Ladies!

the pee-riot.

actually i've got alot of things to blog. happy things too. abt this wk end.
the high-light of it is that we won bucks, 63-0. (:


but.


its the pee-riot wk.
so i'm just feeling all emo-ish girlishy and all.


so i'm not gg to post anything gibberish now.

one kick

not feeling too well. probably the cny snacks getting into me.

hahas.
just wanna say this..

ytd during team run, at our danger zone, i attempted to kick! hahas.
though it was a shit kick which resulted in a lost of possession, i should be happy coz at least i dared to try. ahahahas.

was on defensive line but they lost possession, so i had the ball and since we're down on man, i was alone when i got the ball.
hahas.


they got up to me and i was half half about kicking. but i saw the space behind since there wasn't any rovers, and if i went in alone, sure even worse.
so yes, i kicked! hahahas. secretly self-happy about that shit kick. ahhahhas. (:

key point: idea was there and i tried.

(:


but ytd. my whole boody seemed to be crumbling down and my head was spinning. warm-up was really hard with the flu. but after i was warmed up and physically more into it, it was better.


ok. tmr's the game alrdy. the start of the season. go Blacks! fight for what we're made of man. and i pray that all the bad sick-causing virus in my body will just die.

BB 9790

it's amazing though how small on this earth i may be, God has my life all planned out.


ytd,i went to cisco for interview. ahhaas. i think the position is in of staff man. the pay's quite low, but at least is not an office job.
so at this office, the door smashed into my hand which was holding on to my bb phone. and it dropped flat face down.

yep, the LCD cracked. hahahs. i was like.. ooommmmggg. could see a long crackline diagionally across the screen, causing it to be all white. ahhas. that was the end. so much for saying "wah. my bb hasn't failed me for 2 yrs after all the rain, hard knocks and so on" last wk. hahas.


i took half day ytd. but had to do alot of things.


there was trng in the evening, but i didnt go. initial reason was that i needed to get a phone. so mum abandoned all her ironing just to go tamp mall with me to settle it. but throughout the night, i had a massive headache. i'm not a headache kinda person, but it felt like someone was squeezing the back of my brain. but thank God i didn't go trng though.

so yes, i got my new bb. 9790. i didn't even know what phone to get. i just wanted something like my old one (9700). now, its about the same as my old one, just that it can be a touchscreen now. (:


actually, i wanted to change my phone last august to a 9800 though my phone was in working condition. but the contract haven't expired and i needed to pay like $300 MORE?! so that makes it a total of $600 for a phone. no way i am gg to do that. so thank God, my phone finally breathe its last breath after the contract expired.




thank God.


quite stupid la.
i think now ppl dont just 'can't live without a phone', but without a SMART phone. hahas. i mean like, i had my spare army phone. but i still felt unaccountable to.




my head is still aching.
and i've got probs shitting. hahahas



seriously. idk where all those cny food goes. i'm not shitting out alot. and even if i do, its like water. hahas. it's since i came back from Thailand. maybe i've got a worm in my intestines since i'm always hungry anyway.

i'm giving myself till end Jan to stop all my nonsense eating. too much alrdy.



ok. on a random note, i think wing is highly disciplined.
i've always tried to keep track of my own trngs by writing in my book, but of course, i will start to miss out some trngs, and eventually, stop writing for awhile. but wing is able to still, jot down all the trngs we've had onto the server ever so faithfully for EVERY SINGLE TRNG since sept. that's really ,salute you man.


and since its january, u know what, i should start being disciplied about my life and stop procrastinating.

Reunion

this yr for some reason, i particularly love reunion dinners.
last time it was all about the great food. maybe like 70% because of the food and 30% because of the people.
this yr's the other way round. (:

i find myself trying to seek out time to meet up with friends. there's really alot of people that i wanna meet up and catch up with, with CNY being the bestest excuse. hahas.
not that i'm popular or what, but because i do alot of things, i get to meet alot of ppl. and through the things we do together, of course, friendships are bonded.
like my long lost bowling friends, kc, shps, tp, sajc, sim, church, universaide, sports club, slc, touch, contact, biking, photography and even my dance friends and all.

i mean like, all these people have a part in my growing up process right. u know, if i'm financially richer, i'll really use up all my $$ on treating all my fav ppl to good meals.








anyways, today's the first time my church's having a Youth Service.
it has been the topic for discussion for the past few yrs.

ok, on the personal note, i'm standing on the fence about it.
too many pros and cons better alternatives not explored.


i dont want to go into the details now/here since i'm all CNY mood and stuff. hahas. but all i can do is to pray for His will to be done on us. i pray that we'll start, or rather, continue building a firm foundation. foundations are alway the essentials and should be rock solid before we start building other things on it.


i haven't really touched on my new yr resolutions yet hur.
for one now, to just be prayerful.

honestly, i want you to come back. (not to me la! but to where your roots are ok!) i want you to be that leader again, be that friend who's always encouraging to those around. be that inspiration to others.

and certainly for those closer friends who doesn't know about my Faith, i really pray tt my God will shine through me to reach you. though i dont seem to be unreasonably persistent towards you guys about it, deep down, i'm still keeping u guys in my prayers. its all because i want you guys to have eternal life so we can all be together up stairs when we physically leave this earth.

okok. before i start sounding godly, holy and be that irritating christian who seems to be forcing everyone to be a fellow christians, i shall end this here and wish everyone a very happy, chinese new year. happy being happy, and chinese, being sticking to traditions. hahas.
dun wanna loose that chinese tradition just because youngsters like us duno how to appreciate those customs. hahas.

sacrificial decisions

really, not an easy decision.
but i needed to give an answer though i felt that verbally, it was really unnecessary.

between i and team.

sacrifical decisions. for me, to sacrifice something, mean to give up something u really hold on to for the greater good of others. its like opportunity cost, but with an additional benefits for the ppl around you and not amplifying it out loud. hahas. and no, i am no amplifying the great works that i'm trying to do here. my blog's not at that level where i should be concerned about.


u know.
i really want to play if u'd ask me again.
but really. for that one month of fitness, skills, games that i've missed out; its really taking on a toll on me. and i cannot be so selfish.
i mean like, who doesn't want more game time right.


i rmbr when i first entered the team, my fitness was abt as strong as the team's. as in like, i'm not like the last five or rather, the first five to complete some kind of fitness. ahhas. looking back, i think i can really count it as a feat. hahas. pls give me some ego boast here, tyvm. hahas. but now, i'm really struggling to finish it. ):


everyone's really working hard to fight back what we've lost and i dont want to be a liability.


like i've mentioned before, i think those harsh words she said to me were really needed. it sort of sparked off my died flame. last night's trng was the first trng after she spoke to me. internally/ subconsiously, there was this underlying passion; just like a volcano lava, trying to burst out into flames on one unsuspecting day.
i was sort of reminded to enjoy myself and quit thinking of the things that i can't do. instead, think of the things that i enjoy doing.


otw back, i felt like speeding. so i sped back. (no, i'm still a safe rider.) lotsa things gg in my head. one of which is you. imagine u're still here by my side. since u're a rugger, at least u can give me some kind of beneficial advice. knowing u well, u're not those who would say things i'd like to hear but knock some truths in to me. sometimes it hurts but u've just got a way round it to make me feel assured and let me find that light in the tunnel. that's one amazing thing about you which is also one of the main reason why i like you - your ability to understand me. its like to point where sometimes i dont even understand myself, but somehow, u can?
hahas. yea. and out of it, though i've probably met more people in life and experience more things than u, somehow, u're still able find a way to turn things round for the good of me which i, at that point of time, can't.

and of course, u won't be spared. i'll probably secretly self train with u. do one-on-one tackles until my tackles are rock solid, my kicks are awesome and i can be someone ppl are afraid of. ahhahas. haiz. hahas. dare to dream yea.


oh wells.


suck it up yea.
time to learn to be independent and come back stronger and harder.
this is what life's all about right?

wake up ur idea

u know, i think i really needed someone to just say me in the face to wake up my idea.
no, seriously.

not just in rugby, but in life.
really.

i appreciate ppl who can be so straightforward with me with a heart that's not hiding anything. and the best part is, we're on the same page.
and after searching so long for what's missing, i kinda think this is what i've been missing.


so its good.
though the truths always hurt, it's needed.



after an awesome reunion dinner home, i played my ipod.
and again, on shuffle mode... these 3 songs played back to back when i hit the play button:

1) Hanging On by Britt Nicole
2) Bad Day by Daniel Powter
3) I Can Do Better by Avril lavigne.


hahas. i was like... ok. God! seriously!
but it was good. good reflection time home.




2012. hit hard man.

iMovie

i never buy softwares/applications online coz i always thinkg it's useless and 80% a scam. hahas. but i downloaded iMovie and iPhoto just last wk.. because i like the convenient way of how vids/slideshows can be made.

hahas. some of the random vids i made which totally did not take up much time. totaly time's probably abt less than an hr. i mean it's not as flexible as how i want it to be due to the constraints of music timing and stuff like that. but it really makes things alot easier.


made the mt. k vid last night coz my back was aching and i couldn't slp.

judgement

as i grow older, i tend to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
sometimes my assessment of situations and things might seem to have de-mature though. hahas


when i was younger, i used to think tt adults know it all/ they probably have the best solution to things since they've eaten more salt than us eating rice. however, now that i'm in the 'working world', not officially, but probably just visting it for now, i get to see things. and erm, choose to think otherwise now. (or maybe having said that, i am still not a grown-up yet)


at this age, i'm like right smack between growing up and being a grown-up right. honestly, i think that when i was younger.. maybe like 14-19 yrs and all, i felt that i probably make the better solutions. and still looking back, there are certain decisions that i have made with regret, but nonetheles, it makes me who i am today. whether i or anyone like it or not, its doesn't really matter now coz ultimately, we just got to keep looking ahead to improve ourselves and if better, start contributing to the society and especially to those around us, and even more especially, thank those who have been our moulders in life.


it can well be ur enemy who has had severe quarrels and arguements in the past, making u a more objective, perhaps tolerant and peristent / determined person. including those that hurt u, and totally murdered your self-confidence, which is really the pathetic issue that i face in life today. but i try and give thanks coz at least, it really taught be humility. to just be humble because the world is round and there will always be a taller mountain.


saw this online, probably a best way set the perspectives apart.

"In those moments, I have two choices: I can let my longings consume me, always pushing me to chase the next thing I think might satisfy me. Or I can seek to relinquish my yearning to God and ask Him to fill me. "


of course, we cannot forget that as we grow up, society is also constantly on a move.

we cannot just look at ourselves, blame ourselves for somewhat morphing into someone whom we don't like or just dont want to become. we have to adapt to survive right. it seems that we lack that moral guidance, that 30min Moral Education period we used to have in primary school.
right now, face value seems to be at all the most important. no matter how much we dont want to face it, handsome and gorgeous ppl do get better treatments. that's quite for sure. they get better jobs, better positions. i'm not saying all companies are like that. but because that's what in the demand list of people, bo pian yea.

profit-making organizations, no matter how virtuous/godly/holy/righteous the CEO may be, he still has to meet customer's demands to satisfy his shareholders right. he cannot like, just because of his so-called values, ask averagely looking and not outwardly hot and sexy ppl to be the models for Abercrombie and expect a huge sales turnover because of his one decision right.


it also seems that because when one is more handsome/pretty, he/she's got the whole package. nature vs nuture. its both. because u're more visually pleasing, people tend to help you more, give you more guidance/hope/confidence, whatever more you need to improve yourself (be it emotionally or technically) and sail through life. and the outcome of it is that u've successfuly become more visually enhanced with all the other plus points that shines altogether.

but yes, with all that, u attract ppl who looks at those. u'll find that it's gg to be hard to identify someone who's really after you for what you are inside. either because you urself is soaked in all those outward goodness that everything becomes so diulted that you yourself dont even know what's the real concentrate of it, or, simply, there's really no one that's looking at ur heart.
that's really really sad.
that's what i mean by having short-term happiness and long-term suffering.
that is also the reason why i probably have no drive to dress nicely. i mean like as long as i'm happy and comfortable with what i wear, i am happpy what. just as so long i dont ignore standard dress codes. ya. so when u get raped in a back alley, its not only the evil man tt's ought to be killed for causing such devasting emotional scars, but also, a painful lesson learnt to not take dark alleys and be so skimpily dressed


really.


is the society really growing faster than what humans can / should become? who are we really fighting to please?



i miss those days when there's no handphones. when i say i meet you at 10am at the MRT, you're gg to be there no matter what right. that's what a promise is called.
everyone's just missing the point. life seemed simplier. (also maybe coz i was younger also). life had more meaning.


personally on a somewhat 'religious' note, God played plays a big part in my life. as much as i dont see Him, or may not even feel Him when i'm so so far away, His works and impact in my personal life is evident, far greater than what i can even see with my own eyes.

i stopped gg church for about 2 yearsl. not just physically, but i guess emotionally as well. it started off with not gg for teens time because of trngs. and continued on with a aiya-lets-just-take-this-Sunday-off. and it followed on with the next sunday, following sunday, and eventually, it went on like that and before i knew it, omg, i was MIA in church for 2 yrs! i didn't know it was that long.


but really, i could see myself changing. without God's voice, without His guidance, and just with my humanly thoughts and desires, my path was sidetracked. physical life was nothing much different. just that -church work = alot alot more free time. though it looked harmless and proving that leading a life without hearing God's voice seemed perfectly normal and nothing to be worried about, i was horribly wrong.

'horribly' may just be an underestatement for what it is to come if i didn't do anything about it / continued on with ignorance. my perspectives on what's needed in life changed. nothing seemed to able to really satisfy / fill unidentified needs. alot of undermining internal changes were taking place without me really knowing it. every night was just a 'ok, i thank God for the day. amen' to fufil some sort of subconsious routine. eventually, all these resulted a more uncouth me, using colourful adverbs in my verbal sentences. not only that, in all my actions and reactions to issues and problems, heart was not in the picture. i dont really know how to describe it, but everything was just zero love. zero sincere care. down right emptiness.


and while all that is happening, it was oblivious to me.
dangerous huh.



so one day, i needed to go church to pass something to someone. i can't rmbr who and what though. during service, when at the the song 'This is Our God' came on, tears started flowing. ok. this was wierd. u need to feel sad / something overwhelming to cry right. instead i had none of such feelings... i could even tweet the part...

Your grace is enough more than i need
At your word i will believe
I wait for you draw near again
Let your spirit make me new


about it making me tear and all. and still no feelings towards it. hahahas. but the tears just kept over flowing. now looking back, i guess my soul / spirit or whatever you call it, is crying.


and duno if it was on the same day or what, when i went to the church office that i saw a post-it/ paper sticked to the board on Xxxxxx' table saying "people to pray for today: Marian".
whoas. for that, i almost teared because i was damn touched. i'm not really a close friend of his and he's praying for me to come back.

and then, it was the rugby tour to Laos. we went a catholic orphanage to do CIP work. saw the kids, and it totally reminded me of the kids back in Sxxxxx back in the villages of northen thailand. the kind 'mother' there reminded me of Jesus and how he takes care of His children. she shared something about the shepherd and the lost sheep. and on one evening, we took a chillax stroll at the Mekong river. and just across, i could see northen thailand.




all that got me thinking abit.
and thoughts became reflections.
which eventually led to decisions and finally, courageous actions.



when choon tee was asking around for anymore takers for this yr's (2011) trip, i was like.. "ok! i dont mind" -> that was said without any thinking. i just had this small calling of wanting to use the trip to draw close to God.
going on a mission trip on such a scale requires not only alot of time, trainings ; but it also meant sacrifices and preparation.

the next 2 days, i didn't really want to go anymore coz my heart took a sneak peeked of what's lined up for me. HOWEVER, God being God, my air tickets were CONFIRMED. (air tickets dont usually get confirmed like that for the trips, esp when its in dec). yea, so before i knew it, i was sleeping in a slping bag in one of the villages.


so yes, now tt its Jan, i can look back and identify that Oct-Dec was really those trying months. it was a trying-to-draw-close-to-Him-while-Mr.SAtan-pulls-you-back tussle. a tug-of-war which needless to say, God was the winner.


during the trip, God was simply using so many ways to repeat what He wants to say to me. hahas.either i wasn't really listening enough, but i think He just wanted me to know that I'm really in good hands and there's nothing much to worry about.
this post is kinda long now and i shouldn't really go into the awesome details of the trip. maybe another day. hahas.



but yea. from all these, God's really there.
even when i'm far away, and totally disregarding His presence in my life, He waits for me to come back with a patient heart. That's the thing about God. once u've accepted Him as ur Lord and Saviour 738287402983 yrs ago, he rmbrs it. so even if we're lost, He's gg to make sure that He finds us back.




so.
with Him, all things are possible. He'll give you tests not beyond what you can bear. Trust in Him, and He'll make your path straight. just believe and u'll recieve whatever you ask for in prayer.

see, that's like alrdy 4 verses from the Bible.



i really hope that there's at least a non-believer or anti-god person reading this post. or for those that have long gone and have yet to find that essence that can make one whole. i hope that this post will encourage you to reflect and think about the life that we're all living now.
i dont believe in the 2012 end, the Mayans may have have a darn right accurate calender about the end. i dont really care though i respect the way how they can accurately calculate things. coz, no one will exactly know when the world will come to an end. that 21122012 end may just be the beginning or whatever.

that's not really important now right (though we often say to look ahead into the future). there's a difference. just like in rugby, our coach says "we anticipate. but we dont preempt."


i just pray for you to know who this Jesus is. just get to know Him. whether you like or dont like Him, it's entirely gg to be up to you and no one can force you to accept Him as your Christ and Saviour. and for those who once felt His love, dont you feel that it's sucha pity to give all these true happiness a miss? i pray that u'll feel Him again.


i'm still seeking Him again. coz there's alot of things i dont understand and will never ever fully comprehend Him like how He can love 9873487384791734 ppl, be watchful for every individual, and at the same time, find time to answer your small prayers like those "dear God i pray that u'll watch over me in my rugby trngs" though on other hand, some ppl are crying out to save them from all the floods and stuff...

but one thing i know for sure is that, He is the only one who can make everything right and best for you.