my december

whoas. rollercoaster mans.
in this month. many things. didn't have the time to blog everything out. so, before this post gets classified under 2012, i'd better blog about this month's highlights in my life. (:

actually, 3 main things:
1) the stone
2) thailand mission trip
3) hk trip with the Poons.

and of course, all these adds up to not gg for any trngs, missing out on Blacks' Perth trip, christmas gatherings, all the lunches, dinners and all. and the whole 'stone' episode, just nice, gave me a medical certificate to put me out of contact sports for a month.
so, no gymming, no running or exercising for this whole month, making me feel super nua now. i wanna go back, but i find it hard and wierd. i mean like... ur whole team is trng hard and in the zone towards the goal for next yr's championship.. while i'm not even in Singapore 3/4 of the month. ahhas.




ok first, the stone.
ahhas. gave me so much problems, 3 days prior to departure of the trip.
so after the procedure on mon, i was able to fly to thailand on wed. of course, with much worries. spiritually feeling unprepared, and now physically, not in tiptop condition.

so all the squatting to pee.. was totally an experience. each time i pee, it was v nerve wrecking. and the advice give to me was to drink more water. hahas. that didn't help anything. so after about 7 days from the procedure, towards the end of each pee, was abit squirmishly painful. ahhas. had to michael jackson myself for comfort after each pee. ahhahahahhahas. finally during mid-trip,



ta-dah!! the stone was outtttt!
ahhas. it came out in the toliet of the petrol station. heing lor. the jaman was white and clean, and the stone did not fall into the water. hahahas. at first, i thought it was it was some stone/rock from the villages. but i felt it coming out. ahas. and when i took a closer look, there were shiny crystals on it. ahhas. so i use a tissue paper and kept it as a souvenir. it was just a fragment of it, but big enough to cost me about $3k in total.

so yes. that whole episode, finally a closure.
lessons learnt. will drink more water now.




2nd: Mission Trip.
honestly, i dun think i can ever finish typing what i wanna say abt this trip. it was really... God sent. been far far away from church, from God, from my soul. hahas. i felt tt i was changing into someone i dont wanna become. calculative/ no love/ worldly desires etc. i didn't knew who i really was, what i was trying to achieve and so on. i just felt so... unguided.
so one fine random day, i headed down to church to see see look look. since rugby trngs are just a hill above, i decided to go. hahas. and somehow, i said yes to gg for this trip, with within like a wk, my airticket was confirmed. yea.
and then, Blacks' Perth trip changed the date to the same as mission. my heart really sank.

i can see it as both ways; the devil's doing or God's challenge. it doesn't really matter any way. since i wanted to get close to God, certain sacrifices had to be made. and with the whole stone episode, i can again, see it as a blessing or a curse. of course, seeing it as a blessing made everything alot better. with the whole stone shit, though it was physically and mentally traumatizing to some point, it gave me a comforting excuse to give the Perth trip a miss anyway.


the trip, physically very comfortable this yr. weather wasn't as cold as expected. and more so, we had hot water to bathe most of the time. villagers were concernly boiling water. slpin was also gd coz i finally invested in an awesome sleeping bag and most of the time, we were provided with cushions to protect us from cold hard floors. of all the trips, this yr, is by far the most comfortable. i rlly cant think of anything that needs or can be improved. even the vehicles are awesome.

thank God for making the trip safe though. with all the floods, the ppl have piled up rocks on the tracks. was literally a rocky journey, but safe. (: hahas

some photos:
















































































we went round the WHOLE village... on foot.. needed to get some GPS data.



from uncle kc: "a total of 6.6km, over 2hrs, avg speed of 3km/h, total 60m vertical height. great tracks"









































some of my act atas fav shots:




























ok, 3rd, THE family holiday
8 days in hk. no guided tours. all the experiences from the rugby / touch trips there. managed to cover almost all the hotspots. (: 10 yrs since the poon family went on an holiday together. Mother Poon says that Father Poon was on the trip with us. abit freaky. but we had all the fun. though it was a small budgeted room, with the hotel behind 'guarded' by 2 coffin shops, it was really comfy and cozy. (:

so here's the pics.

what a wkend

oh my. everything happened so fast.


there's really alot of things on my mind. i wanna blog it all out before i leave. but no, i've got 3hrs more to catch a plan. FINALLY finished all the packing. + the night dosage of groggy medication is kicking in now.



briefly. (typing this out after i blogging halfway, realized that i wanted to share alot of things ahhas. warning: long post ahead.)



28 nov 11. yesterday.
it's probably one of the days that i'll rmbr FOR LIFE.
it really seemed like it happened a wk ago because my current state vs ytd was totally different.



appt's at 11am. but i woke up 8am 830am 9am and so on... till 930am. still contemplating if i should take sparky along with me... i decided not too since i was heavily warned against riding home. faithfully, i took the mrt to outram.
alone, alot of things was gg through my mind though i was playing tiny tower frantically.


i reached the doc. registered and omg. next is my turn.
but it was a 2hr ish wait coz 1 procedure takes more than an hour and there's qutie a no. of things to do before that.
again, amen to steve jobs and his greatest invention of the ipod, i moved on from tiny tower to games that i've downloaded and not played before. hahas.


chatted with the nurse abit. i asked if there were other patients as young as me. she said tt there was one last wk. 20 yrs old. whaaas! hahas. ok. she said tt i was independent, gg through all this alone. first thought to my mind: ah-ah-siol. she say me independent sia. hahas. then on the the 2nd thought... ok.. wait.. its it that major? hahas.
i re-read the brochure, did my google hw at home, even did additional research on youtube. but just because she said that, the butterflies in my empty stomach grew hungrier and started banging against the wall, leading me to doing more googling on my bbm, only to be back on the same pages of wiki, reading the same para again. hahas. now, that's kinda of a long sentence huh. ahhhahas.


but yea.
2hrs wasn't tt only after u hear "Ms Poon Marian."


took my blood pressure.. and it was 81 46. ahhahs. she was like eh? cannot be. take again. 84 46. HAHAHHAS. she was like.. ok. er. that's low blood pressure. ahhas. and i was like " ya, i can tell". HAAHHAS. it was quite funny the whole thing. but she looked worried.

changed. got dressed into hospital-ish robes, and before i knew it, i was on the bed, face down, with my abdomen area comfortably resting on a rubberish-like hole of the bed. it wasn't that warm (like what the brochure says), but quite comfortable. hahas. then the nurse poured water into it and my panties got wet. ok. i was smart enough to wear a disposable underwear. at least the research paid off.

i saw on the screen that the 'stone' was being located and targeted, right in the centre of the target point. quite cool. reminded me of the COMPASS test i took for the airforce. ahhahs.


then chatted with the doc abit. i requested if i could listen to my ipod throughout the procedure since its gg to be an hour with a loud tapping sound. he's a nice friendly comforting guy. since i was all positioned up and not allowed to move an inch literally, he actually brought my bag over for me just to take out my ipod. so nice ah!

then soon enough, the guy (another doc) and another nurse with the jabs come.
so scary. i swear the jabbing part freaked me out more that the whole procedure. hahahs. i asked him if the needle was thick.. he was like .. "eh.. no la.. this one smallest alrdy. i take for u children one alrdy!" my heart was beaming side to side. hahas.
then he poked the tube in. its actually for repetitive injections. yea, and my bp showed 96 62 and the nurse went "it went up!"
obviously right. i'm damn nervous now can.

then i saw him jabbing in the painkiller.. as he poked it in, i asked "when is it gg to take effect before i..." before i could even finished speaking my sentence properly.. he said "ya, like now". ahahas. he really said that word for word. hahhaas.
i wasn't unconscious la. but damn seh~. could feel that i could taste something though i wasn't physically putting anything into my mouth. worse that being high on alcohol. it was like everything's damn slow and i was murmuring out answers to questions that i can't really recall. and saw him jabbed in another dosage of liquid which i think it was water (because i roughly rmbr asking a random qns like such).

at the side of my eye, i saw my bp went down to a 56 and something.
the doc was constantly checking if i was really dizzy or not. i wasn't dizzy. just very slow. hahas.



so, the doc i/c told me that the whole procedure was gg to begin. before i knew it. i could feel the machine coming up from the rubber thing and touching my abdomen abit. then the loud tapping sound of the ultrasonic waves can be heard.
of course, nothing can stop me from forgetting to hit the play button of the ipod. and soon enough, i realized that i was actually enjoying the whole procedure coz it was comfortable.


it went on for about 1.5 hrs!
the doc was constantly checking if was awake and if i was in any severe pain or anything. was tolerable la.
hahas. when the groggy-ness was wearing off abit, i was more awake and even had the energy to secretly used my ipod nan 5th gen to video my surrondings. can't take picture, but honestly, it wasn't the whole setting that freaked me out, but just that tube sticking out of my hand. of the whole time, i took no more than 5 glances of it. i hate pokey things.



and before i knew it,... TA-DAH! everything was done! (:
the nurse said i took quite long coz the doc was damn nice to me. i think she meant that he lowered the power of the waves, so that the pain wasn't that bad but it would take longer. (:



soon. i was at the pharmacy purchasing more dosages of medicine.




i drank more water, as advised.
and soon, i was looking out for the toilet. sitting down on the toilet bowl, about to pee, i actually HELD IT BACK. AHHAHHAS. no, seriously. i was damn scared. coz he said that peeing might be painful coz i'm gg to be pee-ing out fragments/sand bits. i quickly said a short prayer "ok God, this is it, pls help ah". and ...i.... leet... itt... gooo.... with a comfoting smile... NO PAIN! hahhas. i think coz the pain killer havent wear off since i was still damn groggy. checked my pee, and yea, there was blood and could see tiny red pigment-ish sand. really tiny. but not as scary as my blood-red dilute pee that drove me to see a doc which eventually led out to this revelation.
after coming out of toilet, i felt that i was on the verge of collapsing. pull myself together and went to sit down. took my bp on my own from the machine avaliable, and it was like 67 33. hahas. power.



went to the cafe to get a hot drink and a sandwich to satisfy the butterflies that were tired from massively fluttering in my stomach.



felt stabilized. and walked out like any ordinary person to take a bus; not even to go home, but to go get the camera stuff tt i need for my trip.
nothing much.
felt normal. very normal. but my lower back was aching abit.
soon, wanted to take the bus home. just as i was walking to the bus, wah, the backpain like suddenly increased. a God-sent cab was just there when i needed it. the taxi-driver could see that i was in pain and asked if i needed to go to the hospital. ahhas. i was like..uh... no.. home. er... bedok. ahhas.

at home, i threw my bag on the floor, ignoring if the impact can damage the xray film or not, and lied on the sofa.
my worried mum asked "wah! u ok anot? that pain ah?"
i was like.. ya. quite abit. was still bearable. could msg, play abit of tiny tower and all. went my room to take my smelly pillow and fav mr. octopus for comfort.
wah. then ALL OF A SUDDEN....


BOOMZ.


felt that hell was in that lower left back of mine.
i was in deeeeeep pain. i reluctantly took the painkillers. was still able to talk.
called uncle kok chi and asked how. he said kinda expected it to be like that. coz the painkillers are wearing off- the impact of the procedure was finally kicking in, literally. time was 5.30pm -ish.
after i put down the phone, the pain seem to get worse and worse. till at the point where i can say it is by far, the MOST PAINFUL SHIT THAT I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY 22 YRS OF LIFE. this was no where near even when i partially tore my ankle ligament.
the kind of pain was constant, hard, and just so localized.


i was in such a deeepp pain that mother poon came to me as sit by my side. she was like.. u ok? i just cringed. couldn't nod or say anything. then whenever it seemed that the pain couldn't go any worse before i actually knock out, it just went out.
i was perspiring profusely, still cringing and alrdying crying.
then i could sense mummy poon getting really concerned. she helped me get a better hold of my octopus and put my smelly pillow on my neck. she then held my hand with her and hand, with the other patting my arms saying "dont worry, mummy is here. mummy sa-yang"


o.m.g. i tell u. i was damn comforted. damn touched. damn moved. though the pain was evidently there. i cried even more, with 30% of it due to the power of mother poon. whenever she asked "still pain", i could then find strength to nod a little or suttlely (idk how to spell) said "paaaaaiiiinnnn..."
wah. pain was just boomz.




i was thinking when the hell are the painkillers gg to kick in. i said many short prayers "pls help me God".
i really cannot take it.
i'm not a person who would msg ppl to pray for me, but i drew up enough strength to sms some of my fellow mission trippers and pray partner "in pain now. pls pray. thanks".
sensibly trying to measure the time, maybe of about 15 mins... the pain got lesser.
looked at the clock and it was abt 7.30pm.
knn. was in that severe pain for abt an hour man. the painkillers sure took loong yea. probably when round my arms and legs before finding its way to my lower back.





so amen.
almost immediately, i was able to stand up abit. took my camera out and meddled with it for awhile, putting the new handgrip on, but feeling physically drained. what.an.ordeal.




so that was it.
went to the toliet when i felt like it. knowing the the painkillers had worn off, i did the same thing. hahas.
and again, amen! wasn't that painful. hahas. i think i was just scaring myself.





yea. and before u know it,
today, i had enough strength to fight the rain with sparky and go ps to watch twilight with lydia and came home. ahhas.
needed to. ahhaas. 14 days w/o tv or social networks, this was something i needed to do before i go. ahhas.


this morng, uncle kok chi called me 3 times in total to check if i was ok.
DAMN TOUCHING. i wanna cry alrdy.
sien yee also called. coz they asked if i wanted to change my flight to the 7th dec. no cost incurred also.
i told her can go and uncle kok chi has finally given me the green light to go, she was like.. "no, i need to hear from him first. u wait ah.. ahahs. bye."
so touching.




just finished packing.
damn tired.
but i've got about an hour to slp.


lots of things still haven't really 交代.
Blacks having boot camp this wkend.
Monsoon starting the season's trng and selection also over these few wkends.
hahas. i guess its just God's way of really telling me to S.T.O.P.
time to stop arldy.



still haven't typed out my testimony and mail it to lynette to mail it to uncle chi loong.





but just this 5 days of knowing what's happening inside me and actually taking action to solve it, it was really a life changing experience. i think from now on, i'll really drink alot of water. dont wait till i'm thirsty. and rmbring that whole painful phase, i think i will eat my fav foods in alot of moderation. exercising is just part of life. but i think everyone should just take more caution of what they consume and how they output it.

in addition, it really showed me that there's alot of other ppl who care of me besides the birthday boy that i've always cared for. ahhas. and like what mother poon said "u see, when u help ppl, now u really need help, ppl will help u".
its true man. sometimes when i help ppl voluntarily for a long time, making sacrifices and all, and dont get appreciated for a long time, i can sometimes feel so ugh-sh and question my good heart for what. after all this and especially what naggy mother poon said, it did kick in some sense into me and be a better person who can really embrace the whole meaning of unconditional love.


so in a good way, thank u God for all these.
i know tt mr. sa. tan is still trying to bring us down. but too bad. hahas. oh wells. dont try again though i know u will. ahhas. but in all God is faithful.




good nite. yea. SEE U AFTER 14TH DEC. (:
i'll come back with awesome photos and a great testimony yea.
keep us in ur prayers! and pray for hearts to be softened!

faith like a stone

yea. literally. title inspired by ulrica. will explain tt later.



what.a.day.




i'm just so burnt out emotionally.
went to work as usual. nothing special.



until i received a phone call showing 'unknown number'. u know when u have those unknown numbers calling at wierd timings, u only have 2 possibilities; 1) wrong no, usually overseas 2) not good news.

the moment i heard uncle kok chi's voice over the phone, deep down... it was an oh-shit reaction. i rmbred about the urine test i did previously. not a normal reaction. usually when i hear his voice, it'll be either for mission trip/ photography/ church stuff. but this time, i know, its not good.

"hi marian... this is regarding ur test results ah..." (ok. oh shit. embrace urself) "i've arranged for u to go see a specialistic.... and i need u to go asap. like right now. " (now as in now?) "ya. now. right now."


then whatever he say later on, i couldn't really absorb anymore. i mean, it really sounded serious right. having him to personally call u in the morng and making really special immediate arrangements for you to go see a doc.
he actually arranged for me to go see this urology specialist at SGH, 2pm.


when i put down the phone, being very rational about it, i walked over to my boss to tell her that i needed to take half day off. was tying up the loose ends with her .. then i started to cry. ahhas. just then i realized i was really v scared. and i had no one to talk to. i can't tell mother poon abt it so early in the morng face to face. she'll just freak herself out on her own.
so.... face it man.


then was switch on from that moment.
travelled alot.
from moe at bouna vista, went to amk to get the x-ray and the report, then went down to SGH. still had time. so i went to see uncle vincent. hahas.
then after that, went to the urology centre. saw uncle heng nung and his wife (doctors) who helped me too. i felt so bad. i mean they're like majorly busy.. but they still took time out to help me settle some stuff. then the specialistic tt uncle kokchi had referred me to had to actually come back to JUST TO SEE ME. coz his shift wasn't actually a clinic-shift.. in another words, he wasn't on that duty but specially came down just to see me.
I FELT... WHOAS. 4 atas doctors all helping me out with just some minor lab findings.


the doc's nice. he helped me did an ultrasound (hahas. lika sneak preview of what it's gg to be like when i'm pregnant) ahhas. and i asked him the most impt qns "can i go for mission trip?" he asked when, i told him from 30-14.... flying off this come wed morng. he looked up, "must you?"
then i realized, ok, time to really put on the 可怜 face and smoke my way... "ya! we've been preparing for it for so long alrdy! at least half a year. alot of effort. alot of money. alot of time". hahas. then after that.. he said "ok, my advice is best for you not to go. however, if u die die must go, then its up to you. u just need to necessarily take care of urself" (:

what caused it was dehydration and high intake of chocolate, nuts and calcuim. and yes, Chocolate and Nuts easily top the table of my top 10 fav foods. so when he told me cut down on them, my heart reaallly sank. i was like.. oh no. what am i gg to do. ahhahhaas. YA. and he went on and saying.. no sports for you any time soon. i was like.... WHHHAAATTTSS?! got so serious not. "unless u want a cut inside". okokok. i gettit.


so there and then, my life got cut off like that. no rugby. not chocolates. no nuts.

but dammit. at the urology centre. everyone around me's like 60 yrs old and above. i think that made me feel like shit even more so than what the results could do. haahhas.


so basically, i think its just a stone inside either the bladder / urethra. now not to bad. but if not treated, it can be quite jia lat.
they're goona blast it using ultrasound on mon... and i should be ok.
but that's not all.
i'm not too afraid of the blasting and all coz i read the how-to pamphlet on the procedure which says i'm gg to be sitting on a warm fluid-filled couch. and given some medication to be in a damn relaxed state so the procedure can be carried out. secretly looking forward to it. ahhas.

its the post-procedure that i'm actually afraid of.
pee in blood + to look out for sand + painpainpain when pee + morning drowsiness due to medicine
):

and in thailand its gg to be...

pee in blood + to look out for sand (on sand?) + painpainpain when pee + morning drowsiness due to medicine + squatting + cold + limited toliet breaks + my peroid's coming.

i REALLY duno how patient i can get.


after that, long wait for the $120 CT scan. and all.
then went back to see uncle vincent again. ahhas.



after that... it was dinner to celebrate ulrica's bday at shaw plaza! ahhas. the jap place upstairs. buffet style! hahas. had a great time. and for some reason, i had very little appetite. secretly happy that (finally in duno how many yrs) I experienced the don't-feel-like-eating-though-i'm-hungry. idk y. maybe just needed time to absorb the day's happenings. or maybe just v worried for mission. but nonetheless, hahas. being with those rubbish girls can make u feel very rubbishly happy and that's what we all need to have in life.
ulrica, "now that u have a stone in you, you rock". ahhhas



when i came home, i told my mum, aiya. just a stone. see doc again on mon then ok liao.
she asked me what caused it... i just told her.. "erm.. dehydration"..
then she said "but u drink alot of water what"...
and i hesitated saying.."ok la... and abit too much of chocolates and nuts".
WAH. THEN SHE WENT ON TO NAG AT ME. "see la! eat la. eat chocolates la. eat nuts la... see.."
then i just FLARED up at her. "AGAIN! SAY ME AGAIN. CAN'T U SAY ANYTHING ELSE ?! ALWAYS NAG"
then we shouted madly at each other, i stomped back to my room, deeply cried  一场 and blasted music from my X-mini speakers. idk why i got so mad also. i guess what i needed most was comfort from mother poon.

throughout the day, i know i was worried. but i also know tt i needed to hide those aside and just be anyhowohbrave me. so i guess when that nagging came just as i needed a "u ok?".... i just cannot control myself.



i think the devil's just trying to be v creative about all these.
but i thank God.
luckily uncle vincent found out before he goes up the plane. coz if he did, he could have died. and u know what.. he's banned from flying for at least a yr i think.
and luckily i found out before the trip. imagine 14 days in the village without proper care and constant pain, i think it can be disastrous eventually. uncle vincent one is jia lat man. i was thinking, i should just thank God is just a stone and not like his. banned from sports and flying for a yr is like... O.M.G. my life is literally screwed. coz with that, i dun think i can sign on the airforce and all. and my hk, bangkok, nepal trip has all to be cancelled. that is INYOURFACE man. cannot.
so ok. thank God la.


really, in God's plan.


imagine if Blacks' Australia trip didn't clash with mission, i would have paid $1000 to fly up to aussie just to be a watergirl.
CANNOT. so in a way, really God's plan. i still will never know why He planned all these like that, but i believe its for the good of me.




so really. internally, i'm feeling all messed up. mon's the procedure. and better date for it to be on right. of all 365 possible dates in the year, it is..... your birthday. ahhaha. yea. then after that, wed morng (to me, its tue's night..) i'm flying off.
i think its gg to be risky and painful literally.



but really, in faith.
i've never felt so close to God ever before before a mission trip.
i've never felt 'Faith' at this depth.
i've never trusted God and given thanks like that in such circumstances.


and really, its all by His Grace. and in Faith, we'll go there to share His Love.

Mr. S A Tan

the devil's really working in our midst.

just today, i went uncle kok chi's clinic. uncle vincent was there. aunty violet was also there but left arldy. and soon after, lyndon came.


uncle vincent one more jia lat. he's been sick for days arldy. those normal flu, cough, sorethroat and stuff. i think it was quite unbearable that he finally did managed to see uncle kok chi (doctor) today.


and omg.
turned out to be quite jia lat for him. after his x-ray, apparently, his left lung had collapsed. i mean like.. huh!? he just did an op at A&E at SGH and he's fine now.
but i guess to him, not able to go on this yr's mission trip was harder to swallow.

thank God that he found out before he go up the trip. i mean like. imagine up in the cold mountains with his right lung working only. and if that should fail (choy!), it could have been more devastating.


for me, ytd, when after i pee-ed and wanted to flush the toliet, i got a big shock of my life when i saw that my pee was red. likea singapore red kinda red.
in the past 2 wks, i've pee-ed reddish/ brownish pee.. and since there wasn't any pain anywhere to give me that drive to go see a doc, i didn't. until yesterday.. when the colour was just too bright right to turn a blind eye to.
also ytd, i felt crampish at there (hahas).. and still went trng. we did fitness btw. hahas. i did it, but couldn't do it properly all out.
today, i've got feelings of wanting to pee but no pee. ): so i just feel v wierd now.


so this morng, i took a blood test and x-ray. "Hematuria" was written on the paper. so it was like a lead evidence for me to kick start my google/wiki spree. actually it just means 'blood in urine'. no further diagnosis can be made until the test results come back. i shouldn't be freaking out la. coz its been 4hrs and there's no call from whatever hospital / clinic or whatever right.

but wiki results did show some possible 'diseases' and did freak me out a little. one possible one is bladder cancer. HAHHAS. ok. not funny.
i'm just being curious and inquisitive. i'm not freaking out la. but what i'm experiencing now do match the description of the symptoms. uncle kok chi said that i may just be dehydrated, though i've really been drinking alot of water.


haiz. its just like 6 days to departure and so many things are happening.


this is spiritual warfare guys.



just putting on the full Armour is not gg to be enough. we really need to pray and have faith. and not just say 'i have faith' but actually deeply believing in it, having that suttle confidence inside.


ok. in the waiting time to have my x-ray done. i did think through alot of things.
like what if i can't go mission. what if i really have 3 months to live? hahas. surprisingly, as much as i thought that i would think of the what-to-dos-if-it-was-the-last-day-on-earth-for-you , mother poon came up to my mind.

hahas. i thought of how to like smoke through without letting her know until its the final month; so to decrease the length of sadness and suffering. hahas. how to like break the news to her and stuff like that. (thinking back of all the HK dramas i've watched). i did think of the recent urges to spend more time with mother poon and even sister poon. and the more i think to myself, i wanted to tear like emotionally.


ahhas.

but no. i'm still marian. but honestly, i felt that i wasn't really freaking out myself la. just being rational, practical and a efficient user of time.


i did think of u.
and since, if i had that courage and bravery of that '3 months to live' autonomy, i would bravey sms u to meet up can clear some stuff up. hahahs. i guess in my life, this is the one big thing that's left uncleared, unsorted and unjustified. not so much about the relationship part, but the what-happen-to-our-friendship part.


ok. i'm taking in alot-of-x-x-x-x coz there's really alot of things i wanna say and put into perspective but due to my weak sentence structuring and limited vocab, i can only resort to using hyphens.



ahhas. as of blogging on in moe's office, lvl 10, and on medical leave, i still do like pee-ing. i just went to the toliet and played like 10 stages of angry birds with limited pee coming out.


i think pee-ing is gross though.
having to pee in the a small bottle today, running around with it, and even riding on my motorbike with it in the rain.



anyway.
everything just turn out to be severely dehydrated or something. before any of the results come out, i shouldn't think too much la. just continue to focus on what God wants me to do for mission this yr.

i think this yr's mission will be a trip far greater than any other. be it on a personal level or on a team level.

BRFC

last Sunday, we trained at Farrer Park field.


it wasn't just any field, but THE Farrer Park Field.
to Blacks, it was The field that many legends were born. where the Women's Team rose up to great heights, before we move to St. Andrew's.


to me, i probably will never get to understand the tough trainings that my seniors have gone through.
but surely, i think as juniors whom mostly started out at SA, we've got A LOT of work to make up for what our seniors have done. so, (because SA field was taken up), we trained there. and legendary enough, it rained poured. re-living those muddy trng days for many.


recently, old photos of the team were posted up on fb.
and looking through all the photos, i must say, i'm proud to say i'm a player of Blacks.
and it made a wave of disappointment wash through my mind, rmbring that it was us that lost the championship title last year.


anyways.


the team looked pretty different now.
honestly, i should have ignored my touch coach 'rule' then of not joining Contact if we wanna be committed in the team.
anyway, those are the past. i mean like, what's more impt is to look ahead right.
though as much as i would wanna wish to turn the clocks back and go through what the snrs have gone through, i should look ahead on how i can do my best.


anyway.


back onto The Farrer Park field.

ironically, when i first went for my first club trng (Pirates) for Touch, it was there too.
more imptly, that field was The field that gives me most memories of you and i. it was the first time (then) that the SA B div boys claimed back their title after 10/11 years. and the days where i would secretly go and support you in ur games, other then the old police academy field.


haha.
oh.those.pinafore.days as well. hahas


still as muddy.
still as gross.
still as memorable.

make Singapore proud!

this post goes out to all my friends in the SEA games!

the fencers, swimmers, gynasmstic-kers, bikers, climbers, sailors, archers, golfers, shooters, waterpolo-ers, bowlers, trackers, and judo-ers!

(: just do ur best; we're all proud of you! (:

HARLOWS

hahas. before u guys start thinking i've ignored this space, hate blogging and stop sharing my life with those who secretly bother about me, I HAVEN'T OK!.
and there's pretty much a vomit's amount worth of things that i wanna ehewrvoijnwoajor all out here.


not really justifying, but i'm not really THAT busy to not blog. hahhas. its just that ipod yea. all those games la. upon reaching home at 10-ish almost everyday after trngs/ work and stuff, i conveniently throw myself onto the couch and start playing ipod games. so its like ipod games - dinner + TV - ipod games again.


what's in for me now's Tiny Tower. hahas. gave up on all they City story, Bakery, Restaurant and all alrdy la. ahas. will play again when i get bored with Tiny Tower.



ANYWAYS.



well. life's all at a constant.


been enjoying life at MOE.
rain or shine, i'm safe. and safe from all the LTAs, innocent fines and all. (:


been trng hard in rugby.
never felt so independently diligent and discipline about doing gym/fitness on my own. literally taking out time, turning down dinner dates just to hit the gym.


and, been gg church very... 3quarter-heartly.
i wouldn't say wholeheartedly. coz rugby always fights time with church time.




ok. so yes. that's my struggle.
my on-going inner struggle.
and no one will pretty understand what i'm going through.
u know, i'm not like the best or the top few players in the team. not one of those that a coach would want to field me in for the first half. and for my position, i think there's at least 8 ppl fighting for that place, national players included ya. having said that, there's probably abt 40 ppl fighting for a place in the 20+ places. not very sure of the exact numbers, but its enough to know that i'm nowhere near.

so that pretty much put things into perspective right.

and with all that hard truths, though not self-destructing surprisingly, i am PROUD to say, i'm still hanging on.
tons and lots of times, i really did think of quitting this sport totally. i mean like, why risk it right. and since i'm not doing well, and i dont really have super duper close friends to hang on to, why right. further more, with my size, there's alot of compensation trng to be done. i.e, i needa work much much hard to be a faster and agile player to be more valuable right. plus, the recent SCC 7s series made me realise though how 'in' i may be in the circle, i'm still out of it. want to watch, cant watch. want to go, cant go... for whatever the reasons la k.


and with all that, i still have to say (again, to give myself some credit), i've been making sacrificial efforts to go to the gym ok!



idk. but i just i'm just playing safe. u know. its not that i don't have any burning drive or passion to do well. really. i just need to manage my expectations. and again, its not just because i dont wanna fall hard. that's just probably one part of it.


i guess the main thing: GOD.





seriously.
i've never thought that that sudden promise to a commitment to mission would just prove to me so so so... tough.
(back track abit..) in Oct, (literallly all of a sudden, after MIA in church for 2 yrs), i duno what made me decide to go back to church through going for mission. (ok la, i know its God, just let me be defensive can).

for that past 2 yrs, i wanted to focus on my sport. thinking strongly that yea, without the boring fact of having to go church physically, God can still be with me through my sports. indirectly, living in a great denial that i can escape the whole factor of being a discipline child of God. so, in a great way to put it, i only strongly wanted to believe that we didn't have to go to church to meet God.

so in that 2 yrs.
for some reason, in the various sporting teams that i was in, trng wasn't as tough. trng didn't eat up alot of my time. really. club tours were pretty last min and all. basically, there wasn't as much drive and urgency in the club and all. and thus, that resulted in a loss of the 8-time championship title.

that.was.a.big.blow.


yea. and now that i'm back in church, my club has also, stepped up our trngs, commitment level, discipline level, fitness level, and whatever level u can name it.


so yes, i think its not fair.
and i always question God.. WHY WHY WHY. tmd. need.anot?!
why things are always made so difficult for me. so not convenient and easy. so now, i'm always always have to be torn apart for trngs.
like u know, trng's are on tues and sundays.
mission/ church trngs are on.... (wait for it...).. tues and sundays as well.
how glorious right.

so in which ever way, i'm not a committed team player or member. and i know, i can never be both. i really dont expect my teammates / fellow mission trippers to show me some understanding or love, coz ultimately, both teams are striving towards a steady goal. yea, and to add on to the epic clash of dates, trng grounds and church are less than 100m away. both in st. andrew's village. one is the church, one is the field, both, side by side. hahas.



did i mention... the Blacks tour to Australia was originally from 15-21st dec, and my mission trip was from 30-12 dec.
and once i've said yes to mission (thinking proudly that i can go for the tour after that), 2 days later, Blacks confirmed that the trip's gg to be from 8-12 dec, and mission's trip gg to be from 30-14 dec.
how awesome right. ikr.


that's the way how God works.
for the good of me. i dont really wanna try and bother to comprehend His ways, but i just know, its all for my own good.




THUS, my remedy for this whole torn-apart thing, is to just do things that honour God, and make Him happy. me being superficially happy is just secondary. there's probably much more bigger things waiting for me to be done than to just do well in rugby. as much as i love rugby and feel all that passion when i'm on the field, i love God more, though i know, it can just be marginally more; but enough to make me do things that make Him be proud of who I am.

and that's probably the only thing i should remember and let it keep me going on.
well, if one day, i can run as fast as Chloe and tackle as hard and Tabby, then good for me. otherwise, i should still learn be be discipline, being able to manage the ups and downs of making the decisions that i should be making.

dis claim le.

disclaimer; emo.
dont bother reading.



i need to talk to someone.




i just duno how to. coz
i dont even know how to.
i dont even know whats wrong.



one main objective thing, career. WHAT?
ok, last whole post on that.



2nd main thing, is about my r/s with God.
that one, i'm clear of what to do. what i'm not doing. and what i should do.
so, ok, good. checked.



3rdly.
(wait for it.....)
.
.
.
.
..
(so secondary sch to use this fullstopenterfullstopenterfulllstopentershit) to create suspense huh. ahhas
.
.
.
.
.
.
you.




hahas. what's new right. ikr.



recently, i'm trying to overcome everything. i really, literally, had to push myself to start looking at guys and have hope again. ahhas. i've reallly no hope. no faith, and no love.
its not as simple as give-love-a-chance-as-not-every-guy-is-like-that ya.
and in the midst of all this ironic pushing, searching for life's direction... i feel that i'm getting myself tangled in this self-hustle.
the more i search, the more i strangle myself.


its like, i feel that the older i get, e more i loose my head, and heart. when i was younger, i was more sensibly clear-headed.
i dont think i'm expecting alot or anything; infact, nothing?
so long as i've gotta friend i can depend on 24/7 whom i can be myself with and walk on the same path closer to God, i am happy.
y i'm saying all these now, is just to be sure of myself. like i always say, blogging helps me sort out some of my thoughts coz the hand slows down the brain.




haiz.



i just dunoo if i'm really missing you or what.
okok. i know i guess? i just miss a close friend.
coz i think we've been close since forever. we're darn good friends even before we started out. maybe a good 3-4 yrs of friendship before we started out? happy things also share. sad things also share. ur maths got good grades also share. i bowled like shit in B'div also share. and also because it was during my pre-teen yrs/ growing up age, growing up with u made everything seemed certain, always having someone 24/7 with just an sms away. a call and u'd be there in a bus journey's time.


so maybe like u know, having someone always there for 7-8 yrs... then suddenly no more.. its getting hard to adapt.
and its been 5 yrs since u've been that void, and i dont think i've fully adapted to the whole environment yet.
idk why i'm struggling so hard.
does at least 20% of the breakups go through the depth of what i'm feeling? or is it really just me?






i've always wanted the best for both worlds, even if it means at the expense of my own self-interest, or happines, i dont mind.





ok. if only father poon was around. life would be so much easier.
at last there's a dad at home. and what's more.. chances of me in SIA's aerospace company is gg to be high. if i'm in doubt, at least i can go down and check it out or something. for sure, father poon will find a way.
dammit.


i'm missing 2 impt guys in my life.









just, a long lost friend and i had a quick chat on fb (and ya, no longer msn).
it was probably the most, valuable advice so far.
hahas.




his quite a special friend. as in like... the story of how we met. coz we'd always take the 6:17am 196 bus to sch (if i rmbr correctly). he's from vs which my sch is just a 1 street down. complete strangers. but i mean, u're probably recognize who's been taking the same old bus with u to sch every morning for 1-2 yrs right. ahhas.



then one day, i sat the same bus as him twice- to sch and back from sch, and met him at tamp safra. so its like 3 times in a day!? ahhahahahas. how coincidental ttm. so i asked some of the other bowlers who's he.
and ta-dah. friends! ahhhahas. through friendster and msn la that time. ahhahhas


but yea. he's always like taking care of me, treating me like a brother and stuff.
so, thank u! hahas. and there's 50% chance that u'll read this, so, thank u. and really, thank God for some how managing to have a trustworthy friend like u so randomly.






ok, now that all the shitz out, ready to take on the world for another wk.

the search

as i began to try and unfold the next chapter of my life, its been tough to just flip the cover over; and its taking almost a year to do so.


from a chillax mac-delivery-rider-siol,
to being a random chiongster credit card terminal technician,
and now, super laid-back and well-paid temp staff at MOE.....



i.am.still.searching.




in the midst of all these, in a way, thank God for all the intensive rugby trngs, sat touch leagues, church preps, photog stuff to just keep me alive.



u know wrt the recent post about the 5hr-brain-cells-killing COMPASS test that i took? amazingly I PASSED it. ahhahs. i failed for the pilot section (well, of course, since the red cursor kept moving to the upper top corner of the screen while i was supposedly to position it in the middle of the cross), and passed for the WO / C3/ UAV convocation. whatever that is.
i think its fighter pilot, Comms (those radar thingys), flying small toy-looking aeroplanes respectively.



honestly, i was secretly hoping that i'd failed it so at least i know that one door is closed, allowing me to continue my pursuit in being an aircraft technician. i mean i'm living the life now. but its too slack. no ambition. no drive. no goals. not nice. how to settle? amen to Steve Job's speech at Stamford Uni. totally gave me new light to believe strongly in ONLY settling down when i'm able to find something i love. the question is now... what do i really love?



so now, this leaves me.. with another option.
not a bad thing la. just.... HUH. NOW WHAT.
i dont mind joining OCS (hhahas.. LOL. considering the amount of comments that i've talked about this unit, 2sides of the coin la), but i do mind alittle of C3. or in another words, Airforce.
all these uniform groups are just in simulation (with the exception of SCDF, that being my initial goal and dream) and i just dont like to train everyday in something that won't necessarily happen. i mean there are other things to do in the force la, but... i want something more realistic. something to help improve life quality of the world.




what do i really love?



i know i honestly can do well in photography. but as a job? nah. zZzZ. its just gg to kill my passion and my eye.
freelancing, yes. full time, big no no.


i know i want to repair aeroplanes. and for some reason, i know i've got a flare in repairing things. and i like engines. and i like to invent things. its an industry that i dont mind pursuing. but the process to reach there is $$$ consuming. and i've got to produce a 100% effort-confirm-gold-medalist-in-the-cohort if i do want to get to NTU eventually.


i love music.
but in Singapore.... errr... where? do what?
i dont mind being a dj (those mix music kind.) i like to edit, cut music. play instruments all day. imagine if i have to do it all day long, I CAN. its something that i will never get bored at. if anyone can think of a job that fits those criteria, PLS VOICE OUT. i can happily settle in that industry. coz i know i can grow in it. so many things to learn.




last and worst resort, work in the businessy industry with all my qualifications.
i mean i can like the job la. but i wont enjoy it if the corporate culture's bad, demand is high and everyone is angsty all day long.




i dont like front line jobs. i like backend jobs.
i dont like to please ppl.
i dont like hierarchies.


i just to love what i do. be good in what i do, provide joy for the work and improve the quality of life.


so right now, i'm not exactly looking at the companies, but at the industry level.
aerospace/engineer vs arts and... hahas. okok.. business.




but i know, God's the dictator of it all.
because of my shit o level results, i got posted to mechatronics. didnt know what it was, didnt know anything, and because business seems more alive, cool and interesting, i used bowling to make that switch. and its all because of uncle sam who made it possible, and also, wilson, who made me enter the photography world.

but yes, that life-changing move was quite rewarding. because i think if its not for business, i wont know what is it all about actually. in the process, i met awesome great ppl, i've done things that i wont do, and go to place that i wont go.




ya. good to blog it all out and organize abit of my thoughts now.
keep my in ur prayers. so long as its God who's gonna make that decision for me, i know i wont go wrong.

compass test

took that 5 hr test last fri.
siaow one.

one of the multi-tasking test:
1) right hand move the joystick up down;
2) legs move the leg panel left right.... ( 1 & 2 = try and maneuver the moving dot on the cross)
3) hearing 279, 277, 275.... then if suddenly 271 (means its out of the pattern), press the trigger.
4) while all that, when u hear (for example), "red circle 2", and see when that actually appears, u must press the 'red' and '2' button on the keypad.


and, ALL THESE are on-going. ahhas. while doing the test, i totally had to LOL to myself. the harder i try to focus, the more the dot keeps getting out of the cross and hitting sides/corners of the screen. damn funny. ya. then my hand and leg all anyhow... WHILE.. trying to count.. 279 - 277 = 2.... ahhahas

lotsa thinking /reaction/ qns.
learnt about the basic cockpit reading instruments. ahhas.


oh wells. the test, if failed, u can't apply any SAF relevant convocation for the next 2.5 yrs. can't retake the test as well, also only after 2.5 yrs.
but ya. i took the test for fun ah. its more for those pilot/ C3.. those kind of convocation.




idk.





i just want my scholarship from some company to do my dip studies in aerospace. period.








ya. and idk y, i can't get u out of my head these few days.
its like a.. morning i wake up, when i ride, otw home, in the toliet, when i'm stoning... etc... u are e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e.
even in my dreams nightmare.
but honestly, deep down, i know u're not the kinda guy that i'll live forever and ever.

i can.not focus

seriously!

i just had to blog now coz during that 2 hr trng, my heart was just.. haywire.
and, no, it wasn't fitness that made it so; which was y it was even worse.



first of, let me say how :D i am to be working in MOE as a temp staff. coz our supervisor isn't in for these 2 days, we've got literally NOTHING to do. i'm not exaggerating. but i brought my laptop and finished editing HALF the wedding photos for the whole day. (: that usually takes me sleepless nights over wks after wks.

(i dont usually do this but... hahhaas)


yea. both kyler (my collegue, who came in the same day as me) felt bad.. then we took initiative to make some brown folders for the whoever that needs it. totally living the life.
and u know what. lvl 5, there's gym. not just gym. but gym with atas equipment. there's like the machine for squats, and bench press and ETC. (: looks like i can hang out there sooooon.
if only LL works in the same co. as me. so we can go work tgt, go gym tgt, and go home tgt.
how fun.
totally got me inspired to get a full time job there. HAHAS.
but seriously, no offense, i find most of the ppl there NOT PBL. they dont do things at the most effecient and effective way.
(just like hiring us) no, not complaining. just commenting.




ok. then trng.
i.saw.u.
tmd. since when have u been coming to trng?!
then. we played touch. if i'm not wrong, its our first time playing touch on the same pitch. i strategically choose the opposing side so made sure everything's all avoidable. and dammit. i couldnt step out of the sides most of the time coz i have to admit, i am fearful.

then trng.
i was trying had to make make good runs. making sure that i'm applying what i learn yadah-yadah.
but at the back of the head, which subsequently jumps forward, u were in my head. i really tried to not catch glimpses of u which i successfully did. but ya, we're on the same field, what are e odds.

then towards the end, the guys requested for 10s. not full on. just wrap around. wrap around. i so do not want to get into contact with u pls. then HEING. wing did not sub me in for the 1st 10. and for the first time, AMEN to that. was hoping *keeping fingers crossed* that she'll forget to sub some of us in. but in the end, she did.
and oh my. of all places, u had to be the winger. and i was the winger.
so i diligently ran to the other side.


on the last play, u had a good line, and gave a hard run through the 12, 13 short gap. u broke the line.
and since i was the 14. u were probably within 5m of me.
out of duty, i had to give chase to cover. 5m. 4m. 3m. (was thinking hard and fast if i should make that halfhearted tackle).. and then.. u dropped the ball. WAHHAHS. HEINGS. 1) change over 2) i saved myself.

and soon enough. beep beep beeeeeeep.


it ended. (: HEING KA LAO SAI.


i'm sorry if i'm just being too critical about this.
but pls dont underestimate how much my heart has jumped, skipped, crashed during today's trng.
and really, its not that i want to. and its not something within my control. i thought that fitness could drown it or smth. but it didn't. it was interestingly an awkward kind of tired-ness. idk how to explain it in words though.


like i've mentioned a thousand and one times, every time when i'm making good progress in deleting u out of my memory, u just had to pop out of nowhere and click on the cancel button to start the whole process again.


after trng, i saw u walked out alone.
if we're at least still hi-bye friends, i would have grabbed the opportunity to offer u a lift home (coming up with some excuse that i'd be gg hougang area or somesort) and make sure i have a good chat with you; a chat that u owe me 6 yrs ago.
while riding home. i didn't want to be reckless. ya, and i wasnt la. HAHAHS. but i realized i was speeding and overtaking unnecessarily. my head was flooded with u. and at a small bit of the back part of my brain, i felt that while on ur way home, i would, confirm, at least be in ur thoughts. at least.



HAIZ.



i need a new love.
hahahs. someone who can throw me off my feet to end all this misery.
right now, with u being a permanent resident in my heart, allowing someone else in is just gg to be like breaking out of jail.
honestly, i dont care if its a guy or girl. guy, then good lor. girl, then at least i can practice self-control. the whole main plot is just to erase u. i think completely would be mission impossible, but at least throw u off the top rank of my ranking board.
that's probably y i'm just so afraid of another relationship. its not gg to be fair to the whoever's gg to be me. coz as much as i dont want to, i know that i'll be secretly making redundant comparisons.


honestly honestly, i know i'm growing old. but i'm glad that i'm neither worried nor excited that i'm growing older and soon, wheeze pass by the to-start-a-family age. i dont really care for now coz i'm got a mother at home and that's all of my family. my sis is happily wedded with her husband and i secretly hope she starts a family soon. not a poony thing to be so family-ish, but that's how it should be anyway right.







oh wells.

i just need to be normal, be myself and just not get affected just because u're within 100m of u.
i wish u all the best. hurry get married and live happily ever after and kill my heart pls. not being sarcastic, but truly.





(sometimes i secretly wonder if u read all these. i mean if u read, and take no action to be my medicine, then i think u're a really bad and mean person friend. u're not a tech savvy person anyways. but then again, with social media on the rise.. OH WELLS. who cares.)

Day 1, MOE

hahas.

temp staff.


major saikang warrior and i think co has no idea of cutting cost. i think coz there's no revenue in mind anyway. just to get job done well then ok alrdy.



whole day, played Dinerdash. ahas. while printing 90 copies of 9 sessions of notes ah.
ok ah. kinda miss Nera and downloading grp2. ahhahahas.
but, not the merchants, banks, hotsun/rain and finding of locations.
but i really do miss the job and the other rubbish technicians. ahhas. (:
if the pay's higher, i'd confirm stay.


since Nera is a listed co, i really think there should be a pay rise to increase job quality.
u know, when ppl like me are tired and not satisfied with the pay, its really v hard to produce customer satisfaction. ahhaas.


oh wells.


let's see what God has installed for me.
i'm hoping to get a scholarship from somewhere; perhaps ST Aero to do a diploma in Aerospace. if not, i've got no $$$. literally.

PoonMarianSianz

glad to know that there's actually some ppl who actually misses reading my post. :') awwwwww


been eating alot.

been having major pms symptoms but it just wont come.
until today.
caught me by surprise.
and i'm just pmsy the whole day.


yea. counting down to e end of the wk month.
many things to do.
many weddings to attend.
many photos to take.
many vids to edit.
many trips to plan.


many decisions to make.
many priorities to prioritize.

happy birthday me!

hahas!


honestly, idk why. but this yr i feel special. (: hahas



hahas! not to brag about it la. but i really painstakingly replied everyone ok! hahahhas. 2 hrs ya.
no la. but i really enjoy reading all the posts! and not forgetting the twitter friends as well! (:


i'm not so much of a celebration person/ and idk how to respond to reciving gifts or anything. not that i dont like, but i just feel that its unneccessary to spend $$ on gifts. handmade card's best. no, not *hinthint*.... just saying luh. ahhahahas.
and i just feel very blessed that ppl will bother to post on my wall on fb or just @mention on twitter, and ya, wished me on bbm/whattsapp and sms. hahahahahas. ya. and to joelle,jamin and yvonne who took effort to record a well-planned and nicely harmonized and improvised birthday song and send me through whatsapp though its submission/ project wk. hahahahas.



i still rmbr how the past, when there's no fb, 12am, the phone will be like buzzing like mad. hahhhahas. like christmas and cny as well. ahhaas. scroll down then can see pictures out of stupid limited handphone symbols. got bear and all sia. ahhahhhas. gosh. i miss the sms dayyss. ahahhas.




i spent my day working in the rain.
really pathetic and sad. but its the msges that keeps me (: and dry inside though i was literally very wet on the outside, not mentioning the of all places, my rainpants had to have a big hole at the... erm.... backside area. hahhahas. so when its rainy, that part of the pants inside will be v v wet. hahahas. totally defeats the whole purpose. ahhahs.
but, i spent the nice playing fun touch. (:
i chose it over spending dinner time with mother poon.
abit of a hard choice. but i've been having dinner with mother poon and the its v hard to find a day that tp touch girls and rugby guys can use the field and play fun touch very happily together. hahas.today's atmosphere kinda lacked the suuupper :D feel, but nonetheless, still happy and fun! hahas.




on that note.
everytime i blow my bday wish candle, u and ur family are always part of this wish.
i mean yea, i'd really be v v v happy if u still rmbr the date and wish me. at least i know u still exist in my life. i'm pretty sure u'd at least find this day familiar.. ahhas. no, other agenda, just past memories.
but still, thanks for everything.

2A

whoots.

passed my 2A ytd.
it was a better feeling because out of the 22 ppl who took the test this time, 14 failed?!

previously, i was like 1 of the 4 failures of the 35 ppl; with a 2 points and 1 innocent demerit pt.


and..

Happy birthday Jamin!
(: project mates ever.










went Fatboys..






yea.




been sick. the haze really taking a toll on me. i think it was sunday/monday. whole day out. and on tue, throat pain/ nose kept dripping. even spat out bloood. hahas. feeling feverish and bodyaches are kicking in. i'm not sure if the aches are from gym. but i dont feel getting better.

supposedly take 2 days off, looks like i've gotta take another day off.





and i duno why. u keep running through my thoughts recently.
dont ur illusive self ever get tired?
maybe its the rugby world cup. maybe its the decisions that i've gotta make. maybe its just... AIYO.

heart.

‎/Let my heart beat louder, let my heart speak louder than my head head head.


i feel that God is trying so hard to speak to me this wkend.
so much.
through my trngs, through my games, through my music.
all along, i've struggled to choose between Rugby and God. both eats up my wkends.


the season has begun.
pre-season trng for contact.
and in-season for touch.


for contact, Blacks has finally started out; with a whole new organized system, making me really excited and ready to go all out in trng. for touch, it was more of a happy league, playing together with all the alumnus for happy, yet competitive games for touch. am also playing in with Monsoon with the mixed. this one really good chance to improve my fitness and skills; good opportunity since it's WTL and not the super competitive STL.




during last evening's contact trng, something really strucked me.
i struggled gg back to the sport because of so many things that's happening, innocent injuries that's affecting me psychologically. with a gap in all the trngs, i had time to reflect upon my walk with God before proper trng resumes.
and ya, i did told God that i will make time for His work to be done- meaning, a shift of priorities has to be made.
i gave the sport one chance during last wk's 1st trng, and when i gave my all in trng, i really felt good about it, and wanted to start the season's trng with a personal bang. finally, could start trng proper, working on individual basic skills and all, sucha great opportunity.
so yes, i was set on a good goal in my head. all good to go.



but ytd, idk. i dont want to mention anything here, because to be up and honest, i dont like ppl to start talking about what i post and then start misunderstanding me. just let me be sensitive here k. thanks.


so, i did skipped cell group coz of trng. BUT, i did go for mission trng ok!
but ok la, guiltily, just because the time schedules all fit, i dont think i can honestly say that i've made sacrifices for Him.
then, i didn't have a good trng session. period.


that, led me to think alot. to reflect alot. it wasn't just that moment, but that moment was enough to spark off the long train of thoughts that i've let it passed and say it's ok before. and i know, those decisions made weren't God honouring.
spoke to the-one-who-gets-my-back on the phone, immediately after trng because i just needed someone.
if i didn't let out all my thoughts and get it sorted out with a trusted someone, the ride home would just be suicidal. somemore, the cold cooled weather after the rain plus Sumatra's haze kept adding on to the emo night. what's more, i had to travel to pasir ris, using that quiet stretch of flyover at TPE. totally a concoction for just emo-riding.



God paved a way for me.
He literally helped me walk towards the better, God pleasing decision. my God is a jealous God. i wouldn't call Him selfish because He's done so many things out of the love we can't fathom. and because it was all out of love, the heart can sense it. thus, though we will never understand the depth of His love, we all know that it's all for us. labelling Him selfish would just put everything out of perspective.


so, back to practical application, He has really showed me a way and still, giving me options to choose.
idk how else could He go about doing this, but i must say, it's hard to appreciate, though it's already at the tip of the level of my containment. He knows best. and i should know better.


its all up to me and my decision alrdy.
if only u were still by my side. coz i believe, u're still the one who can understand me best. (no no, i'm not getting all emo on this, again. just... reminiscing ya.) u'd help me weigh out all options, giving me ur opinion, and still somehow, managing to not be one-sided, leaving the decision, still up to me.
honestly, leaving the whole circle would be ): missing out on this season's great opportunity, and more imptly, all the friends i could get by with in the circle.
and also, yes, ironically, staying on in the circle, and seeing u trng occassionally one one other side of the field would throw my heart off beat and disrupt all efforts in a 100% moving on.




oh my.
and so, in conclusion, when in doubt and when u'r heart is just all over the place, making a God honoring decision wont be wrong.
not an easy path to take because i still love the game much, but if it's to make God a really happy father up there, i should, and i will.


amen.



just give me positive inner strength. i need this more than u can imagine.

dont break this fragile heart

yea. u know westlife's don't break this fragile heart song?


yea. and what's even more wierd is that just when i was blogging that line and clicking the >> button to play a next shuffled song in my itunes, THE SONG PLAYED. freaky much.



work's been the shit today.
just as i set off, i felt that it was alot of drag and the bike was exceptionally, dangerously wobbily. my tyre finally punctured (after ignoring the nail that was embedded in my tyre on fri). i literally PUSHED my bike 20 blks down to the nearest bike shop. hot sun. and i was drippin wet. like the after trng kind of wet. and when i pushed, there was so much dragg that u can hear the tyres/ rims squeaking against the road.

but ok. to be thankful, luckily i was within a walkable range bike shop. imagine if kena like that on the expressway. GG AH.
what a way to start my string of unfortunate events.



then. 1st stop.
to cut all the technical explanations here, i got stucked at a merhant's place for 2 hrs because there was just a minor technical problem.


so as i carried on, my office called me to tell me that there's a merchant who's upset and waiting for me. so ok, i rushed there.







so today; the highlight:

got damn insulted today which led me in spurting out colourful languages all over today out loud when i was alone. and it really did felt like a personal attack over the phone though it was with a complete stranger. i tried to find the 'record' button on the phone to record down the whole conversation, but i couldn't.
imagine if i did. it would really be comforting for everyone to hear how hard she insulted me as a person.




the conversation, or rather the insult-me session lasted for 4:37. imagine that.
it somewhat went on something like that. i can't possibly type out all the nasty things she said. but the words used are not exaggerated, but literally lifted from the memory.

-



"hi, i'm the technician calling from XXXX. mdm, i'm outside ur gate, sorry for being late as there was a few technical difficulties which caused a delay prior to your appointment."
( i was 45mins late. but the office did give her a call before hand to inform her.)


"ok. so what do you think this is? u expected to come in now? u made my staff wait for 1 over hour. so u think my appointment is not important?"


"err mdm, sorry that i'm late? erm.. ya. so now... would u open the gate for me so that i can do the installation?"


"do u think that i'll open the gate for you? previously, i had an appt with mr. XXX, who told me that he had forgotten about the appt. ok. fine. so i'm giving the company another chance. and now, u're telling me that u are 1hr late. what do u think this is? do u think i'm a monkey? so what do u think we should do now?"


"ok mdm. there's really nothing much i can do now? would u like to make another appointment?"


"WHAT IS THIS? so u're telling me u can't do anything. WHAT IS THIS? stop giving me this attitude. i dont like your princessy attitude. stop throwing your tantrum at me."


"errr. ok mdm. sorry, i'm not giving u attitude or throwing tantrum. but there's really nothing i can do. and, maybe we should work something out now?"


"what's ur name? I WANT YOUR NAME. who do you think u are? fancy throwing ur attitude around. stop being a princess. you are being very rude and irresponsible. who do you think u are? who's your boss? i want to complain. dont think i won't call."


"ok. my name is Marian. my full name is Poon Marian. if you'd like to make a complaint or speak to my boss or whatsoever, my name is Marian. do give them a call if need to, i'm really ok with it coz there was really some techincal difficulties beforehand that caused a delay and i'd really appreciate if u'd understand. and, they are aware of this alrdy. u can call to find ms XXXXXX, mr. XXXXXXX, and whoever u want to speak to."


"OK. so now u think u're in the right? so now u're giving me this attitude? i don't like this. YOU ARE IRRESPONSIBLE.


"errr, no mdm. i just think u should give the office a call to make an appointment again."


"so now you think i have all the time in the world to make another appt which will eventually fail again? i've lost all faith in your company do you know that? and do u think i have the time to call to make the appt? i think YOU PEOPLE SHOULD CALL ME. and i dont want you. i dont want you to come as the technician. i want another technician. not you."


"ok mdm. so would u like my office to call you and make another arrangement with you?"


"NO. i want you to make an appointment for me NOW. i want another technician, ur other collegues, someone else and not you. i dont like people who are irresponsible like you."


"errr. ok mdm. i cannot make an appointment for you as this has to be done by my person-in-charge. what i can do is help you arrange, maybe with the person i/c, but i can just arrange only with the i/c and not just with any of my friends. so when would you like?"


"i dont like your attitude. u are being irresponsible and not helping me out now. so you think u can just come late and expect everything to just fall in ur scheduled as planned and ignore me as if i am not important?"


"eeeeerrrrrr.. ookkk mdm. would u like my office to call you now? there's really nothing i can do much now since i can't go in or anything"


"dont put the blame on me. u ask for it. and what i'm asking for is to get the job done. but u're not helping me. i want to speak to your boss.. BLAH BLAH BLAH (and she kept on insulting me... on and on until my brain has totally shut her off.)"



(eventually i gave up.. and chup into whateever she was saying..)" ok. u know what, my office is gg to call you now to arrange an appointment with you. THANKS."


"you are so irresponsible and just wasting my time with your princess attitude. u better solve this problem..."


"OK. THANKS, BYE."



-




O.M.G.

i got soooooo pissed.
i sat on my bike and CRIED. FOR AN HOUR OK.
idk why i cry for 1 hr also. not teared, but the CRY ME A RIVER and weeped till my whole face was wet, nose was drippin' kind. ahhahahs. damn pathetic.



i really had no one to turn to. and i didn't want to trouble anyone. so i resorted to tweeting and fb-ing OUT LOUD for the world to hear my cries. i just needed to be heard and provide myself with some self-redemption.


1 hour ok.

idk why i so affected also. so fragile.



u know just last sunday, it was my 3 successful attempt of gg back to church. i came late.
hahas. but ok. in time for the last 2 worship songs. "This is our God" was on now. was like checking-in (foursquar-ing)... and wasn't really focusing focusing on worship God. but just just singing and enjoying the worship along. THEN.
when it came to "you grace is enough, more than i need".... i started crying.
i mean like... HUH?

usually when u cry, there would be a build up right. i mean like, u'd have the oh-man-God's-so-awesome-His-love-is-forever kinda breath-taking feel. then u start lifting ur hands and ur heart just melts at His feet and ur tears would start to roll down.
BUUUTT. i just cried. like no feel no nothing. i mean like, i could even start tweeting the song "/your grace is enough /more than i need.." -while crying. ahhahhas.
damn wierd.

nv happened before, but i'm starting to believe that my heart's getting softer as i grow older.




and during rugby trng, i was trying to focused, which i really did this time since i've decided to put in effort to make a difference. it was actually gg quite well internally... UNTIL. i.saw.you.
tmd.
then i think it was obvious that my performance was getting shittier. drop balls. running in circles. hesitant.




but but but. having said all that, i'm proud to say i've really learnt to let go of my past. it has secretly been one of my birthday wishes all these yrs and finally, i've seen the remarkable improvement LIKE FINALLY.





ok. i really dont wish to be so brittle.
what happened to all the strength? kinda think that it all got used up with i was much younger till you stepped in my life and spoilt me emotionally.


oh wells.
i believe.