2020, we welcome 2021

hi. i'm back at religiously blogging my yr end post.

its 01 jan 2021, 1445hr now (backdating this post for documentation). 

raining heavily - the monsoon kinda rain

tbh, 2020 is a great year for me.

i can't rmbr anything significant, other than... I GRADUATED with 4.01. that 0.01 was very significant.

well, there's COVID-19. to me it was good coz with sch out of the picture, i had like so much time that i really didn't know what to do with it. it did felt empty because there was no rugby and all. i thought it could be my comeback year... but oh wells.

no travels. no Nepal.

i rushed graduation in 4.5 yrs so that i could just nice get my T4 after my auto T3 after 5 yrs of pass out. but in the end, all promotions ceased. so nothing really changed despite all the hardwork, rush and stress.

finally packed my room.

but my sis moved back in yr. so despite clearing out all the old stuff from my room, i moved back in my musical instruments and all. ahhahs

started baking for the first time.

baked cookies coz it was the easiest and nicest thing to eat.

COVID Phase 1 was probably the best time to escape from everything but just work. 

ok i dun feel like blogging now. may or may not edit this post laters.

started FP since no OT.

k1 is still treating me as non existent.

k2 miraculously msged me back

and on the day i'm talking with this other guy.

i dun feel like blogging my 'lovelife' now, but i'm just v happy being single and free. dont think i wanna give this up anytime soon.

hot soup

 Thought of blogging abit though its pretty late now and i've got morng shift tmr (or rather later).

ok. so yesterday night...mother poon was carrying a pot of hot soup and just as she ended her sentence " Beanie dont run around later i fall down ah.." then she really fell. omg. in such situations, ur brain processes things in slow mo details. i can rmbr vividly the moment she fell. the pot of hot soup slipped to the side, i saw her foot trip over the sofa, and she fell face down with the soup below her. she was in between the sofa and the table so her head didnt hit the corner of the table hard, but the hot soup was all over her front. i still rmbr her wailing and crying out loud. for a moment, i think my sis and i froze abit coz as she was falling down, i rmbr my sis and i couldn't do anything about it. my sis was holding her dog then, so it wasn't the dog that tripped her.

mother poon really had a bad start of the day to begin with. she accidentally cut her hand while cutting some meat, especially when she just sharpened the knife the day before. the blood kept oozing out and despite my experience with wounds from work and rugby, it was really a challenge to treat her nonstop bleeding wound. i had to add a folded tissue paper over the wound and tape it down as to mimic a pressing down pressure to stop the bleeding.

so back at the accident, when she fell, idky i had effected no physical actions to stop her fall. tbh, i think quite highly of myself when it comes to performing at such critical moments. i believe i have sufficient life experiences and intrinsic life-saving motivation to have useful instincts to save / protect a life; further more, its my mother eh. but yea, i saw her on the floor over the soup, tunghoon, smashed up potato and tofu. i rmbr being almost shaken but i there's more practical things to do like to bring my mother to the bathroom and run tap water all over her. i think my sis had to also calm the dog and put her in the room so that she'll be out of this mess for awhile. the dog does sense what's going on. 

as i showered her, i think mother poon was in physical shock coz she was starting to calm down and started to peel off her falling skin. i asked her 'eh siao. not pain meh'. she said no. 2 reaons; either a full blown adrenaline rush, or her nerves might be erm.. severely affected. i choose to think its adrenaline and pray that it is. adding on, mother poon has a very high threshold of pain, owing to the fact that she suffered so much while giving birth to me, specifically. she's didnt have so much probs when she had my sis.

i asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital.. she said its ok. then i was like, 'mummy, i dont think this is gg to be simple', as i continue to nag at her to not peel the falling skins off her chest and knee. as i took a closer look at her kness, it was like both her knees were like 2 big while oval patches. with my rugby astro and bike road burns, i knew this is not gg to be as easy as it seems. as with burns, it always look fine until like a few hours later and u'll realize the extent of the damage the next day and hell awaits you the following week.

after about 10mins running through water, i told my sis, i think u better make her go to the hospital. at least a&e coz i know this is gg to be serious. mother poon was still peeling off her skin, telling me to go clean up the soup and hall.... 'make sure that the cupboad dont kena the soup'. #mothers

in the end, its better than my sis send my mum to the hospital. they took grab go. ahha, i actually initially suggested to call an ambulance. looking back, that was really a not rational decision of me coz i know i could have evaluated more optimally. but yes, she went to cgh with my sis in grab. so i focused on cleaning off all the hot soup, and mopping the floor and kitchen. during the whole time, the dog was barking and u could tell that she was frantic and wanted to help or something. 

after i was semi-done with cleaning up the mess, i call one of my closer cousin ah hee to inform him. as i told him what happened, i rmbr my voice started shaking. u know the pre-breakdown kind of cry. i dont think i had enough space to feel sad about it, its more like, for once, i think i was very afraid. its like, u dont really know what exactly are you afraid of. i mean, i've alrdy assessed everything to the best of my knowledge and ability so i know i shouldn't worry that much bc it is not life threatening or anything though it is severe. i'm glad i managed to inform him properly, keeping my tone low. i hung up the phone, and focused on Beanies' barking. by then the floor was more or less clean enough for little animals to step around, so i went to my sis room to open the door. Beanie ran out and u could tell that she was frantically looking for my mum and sis. she ran to the kitch, then to my mum's room, then my sis' room, then came running to look at me with there 'where are they?' face. i said, 'beanie, they went to the hospital, everything is ok, they're not at home'. she paused awhile, then continue running to the kitchen, my mum's room and my sis' room and back to me again. i think it went on like this for about half an hour while i was sitting down and chill awhile.

i mopped the floor like 3 times, tried to clean everything to the best of my ability while sis updates me of the situation. so yea mother poon suffered 2nd deg burns to her chest, knees and finger, and was given a pain killer jab and another tetanus jab. it was about 9.30pm when it all happened. they came back by about 12.30am while i was eating the scrubs i picked up from the floor and put back into the pot lol. several reason i did it, 1. the floor is clean. 2. mother poon cooked the dish so hard so must eat. 3. all these happened, all the more i must eat this. 4. i love tunghoon, tofu, beef and potato. and guess what. mother poon being a mother, started to dry the clothes. (wtf?!) i was like.. eh wth. she was like 'no no must dry the clothes' crazy. idk if it was her way of distracting herself from the pain or what, but it really did seemed like nothing happen. 

ok so. the a&e bill cost $126. this is a new pcs of information. so if u go a&e for whatever reasons, whether u break a leg, have a fever or go through what mother poon went through, it's still $126.

so today, she had an appt to go back at 9.30am to change the dressing. for the first time (i think), mother poon was serious in confessing about the pain. she's ok, and pretty positive about it. but i think she's very very mentally tired from it. my sis was also tired. my sis and i are both the same. we dont show 'weakness' to the family. the ironic thing abt our family is that though we're all very frank and just speak our minds, we never show sadness or weakness. we show tlc in more legit and tangible actions. we just dont say hearts and flowers.

so was we waited to collect the meds, i looked at mother poon when she's not looking. i looked at her super bandaged up knees, her worn out face and in her loose pyjamas sitting at cgh. i felt abit... idk how to put it. its like, unfilial. coz so old alrdy the mother poon have to go through all these pain. this kind of burn pain ah.. the first week is hell. i rmbr burning my arm coz it accidentally rubbed against one of the HP duct of the ac engine and it had a small blister.  its really a damn small... maybe like a 1.5" burnt length, no thicker than 0.3"... and it was freaking painful. i dun think i can imagine the pain mother poon is experiencing right now. some more she's like reaching 70? haiz. 

ok so. the bill today was almost $200 or smth. but with the merdeka discount, i paid about $76. she has another appt on fri to change the dressing again.. so i think its gg to be about that price. but seriously, as they changed the dressing, i could hear the nurses doing so through the curtains, and i think u can feel the little sounds that mother poon was making coz it was pain. it wasn't loud.. but if u pay attention to it, u know that it is really painful. even the nurse praised her for not crying out loud and all... but u know its more pain than what we can think it is. of course, mother poon being mother poon, still say 'this one (the pain) still ok... i give birth to my 2 daughters lagi pain ah'. hahas gee.

so yea. that's the episode.

actually there's more to blog about but i'm getting abit tired and i need to wake up in 3hrs for morng shift. ok, let me try and sum up the remaining highlights, also coz i think some of them are recurring issues.

one of the man highlight is that my sis moved back in.
the next major highlight is that Beanie, the dog has moved in too. i'm really not a dog lover, but she clings on to me alot though she's like a relatively scared dog. i still believe i'm not a dog lover, but i think Beanie is a little girl. i wanna blog more about my feelings and r/s with beanie just to document it down, but not tonight. ahhas.

other than that, COVID. still very much like this. not much activities. still thinking about studying. still packing my room. still not running not hitting the gym coz my excuse is that i need all the time to pack my room which is not 100% true coz when i'm home, i'm playing my phone games.

ok, lastly, my mental health. still missing thinking of you here and there.
still believing that i'm really happy and satisfied with my wellbeing like this.
but as some of u might know, studying has been my form of escapism. so w/o any studies now, i think i'm running out of outlets other than here. 
hmmm. also some persons have been msging me. they're all nice ppl. but i can sense my defensive walls which are invisible but there. i try not to think about anything, but i also know myself; though i would say not well enough. but the good thing is, thanks for k1 and k2, i know i'm practicing more self-love. perhaps being overprotective of myself, but i dont think its a bad thing. in any way, i just hope i dont lose my friends eventually, especially the special ones. idk what the best way to manage it now, but imo, its best to smother a spark than to allow even a warm fire.

i wish to blog more coz it feels like vomitting 3/4 out, but good night world. 

ending beginnings

Just feel like blogging now; and typing through my phone.

It seems that my heart has always been right about u. 

End aug, early sept is always gg to be slighty harder coz of ur bdays. 31 aug, 3 sept... i struggled abit with not msging u happy birthday, especially when the clock strucked 12 midnight. 'Hey, Happy Birthday' wasnt something easy bc i knew that u wanted me out forever while i just wanted to use this yearly opportunity to ask how are u, how's things, how's life and all.

I'm always reminded that he's always better off w/o me so i should try keep that distance that he wanted.

Ever since this covid, i havent seen u much at work coz of the timings, no ot, walking route changes and all. The months seemed longer especially knowing that u're still around, but somehow feeling abit bothered that our paths didnt cross. Honestly, i haven't been thinking alot about u because i'm busy just being happy. But recently, idky i started thinking about u. I dont even know if this is missing u or not coz i've alrdy resolved that part of my heart. But it just still feels that my heart is (quite unfortunately) connected to u. More uncannily, when mother poon was packing some baked potatoes for me to bring to work, she suddenly rhetorically asked "kh at ur work right". I was caught off guarded coz its been years and just out of the blue, mother poon had to mention his name. But i replied, "no, diff dept.. dont see him at all. Duno where he go now".

So today was all rainy and all and i was missing (issit) or just thinking of u abit more. Watched back some of the vids of the trips we did tgr and all... then over lunch, one of my cols spoke to me abt u. It was damn random... like as if they had this antenna to detect tt i was thinking of u and all. One of them worked with u in cmu b4 so he was like speaking good things abt u. Of course, i cant help feeling secretly proud of u, but i always had to arrive to this topic of "we didnt work out because of our differences".

Actually till this day, i'm not sure if it's coz of our differences or issit coz of our strikingly similar similarities. (Haha sorry for that double word and lacking in vocab) but yea. The thing that lingers around my heart is actually those moments when we werent actually together yet. I wouldn't call it honeymoon period because it was something deeper than that. We had this mutual understanding of each other heart's struggles, while in our own places. We conversed about deep heart strings and just felt that warm comfort from each other even sometimes w/o words of comfort - at least for me uh. Its seems like after 3 yrs now, the good times we had as a couple werent really the moments that my heart treasured. It was those late-night-to-morng h2h talks at void decks and at the airport that i can fondly rmbr and treasure the most. Perhaps it was only then (b4 we 'got tgr') that i could be myself while u didnt have any expectations of me. 

Idky im still bringing all this up today. Oh ya! coz.. after so many months of not seeing u, today i freaking saw u just as i have been thinking more about lately. I was walking with my collegues then. I knew ur eyes caught mine and i knew u were trying to escape my gaze while trying to treat me as non-existent. (Well, it was a single head-on path where we couldn't siam.) I wanted to say hi or like lift my awkward hand to wave, but i could only managed a cowardly stare back to my phone coz i just didnt know how to cope with ur escaping gaze of indifference. But after u passed, my closer collegues looked at me and said "what sialll.. y so dao?" I could only say "idk sia... he whole day treat me as non-existent what can i do sia". Though it was a careless remark, i think i did meant for it to come out. I mean, they also realized what. He knew some of my collegues what.. but because he was too bz trying to ignore me, he ignored all my collegues as well, so the moment our paths literally crossed, the cold wind really blew right through us. Then my cols replied "u could have say hi what". Sounds so easy right. but within that 2 sec, so freaking much was going on inside that eeverything other then my mental and heart processor froze. i guess this is always y im blogging rn coz, this is bothering me rn bc of the fact that I suddenly saw a physical you especially when i've been thinking more of u lately.

At night i really wanted to text u like 'hey, saw u today.. hope everything's well'. But when i clicked on ur name on WA, i am reminded that my text will go unreplied. I wasnt afraid of rejection, but i just dont want to go invading ur space and add on to the hatred u alrdy have for me. After much thinking, i am also reminded by what k2 taught me - to respect myself and my dignity and to have more self-love pls. But then the argument back is coz i just want u back as my friend coz i really love and cherish the friendship we once had. And then, the final arguement back is the fact that he doesnt want you anymore. With that, i cant really carry on the justification coz it was a clear getoutofhislife pls.

Sighs. Duno issit i care for u or just self-proclaim kind-hearted by nature, but i just have this compelling feeling that u need someone to talk to. But in any case, i dont think i can be in that position coz u dont want to have anything to do with me anyway.

But one thing i'm clear is that i'm really enjoying the happiness and freedom i have right now. Not only am i not looking for anything with anyone; i wouldnt call it defensive but, i'm just not letting anyone come close coz i dont want to go through all those episodes again.

With Covid and all now, it can really be quite depressing when there's no rugby / touch / bowling / climbing activities esp when im finally done with sch. Im really considering taking up a Masters just to kill time since i dont think we can travel so freely within the next 2 yrs. It's really depressing coz i've saved my leaves for 2020 and bought a down jacket for nepal. Haha just 2 days ago, while packing my room (ya i'm still on it. Hahah), i came across my backpacking backpack. All the feels. So i took it out of the plastic bag and carried it for the next half an hour as i continued packing my room. Lol. Wth siol. But ya, i really miss travelling and especially the mountains. Quite badly.

Ok ya. Idky but juz now.. mother poon was like "where's kelvin? Tt time the boy came over to the house only 1 time then never see him liao. Can tell he like my food." Issit all mother and daughter the heart got connection one issit (pls read this line in CAPS and in the most singlish manner). I know mother poon cant wait to be grandma uh, but i think she could stop mentioning all these names lol. But ya, i just replied her "eh that one only friend la, u think all the boys all i dating one ah". True what. Well, he's just another reminder for me to love myself more and that I deserve better. Not all guys who treat u nice are keepers because most guys have ulterior motives. And as a girl with a softer (i think this is scientifically proven) heart, u'd always sometimes fall into their trap, sometimes even w/o knowing, thinking that everything is true. 

There were a few moments too that i think of k2. But the difference is that the more i think of him, the more i am reminded how easy it is to be blinded by what we feel as 'love'. I am reminded that anything u love can be lost. Kind gestures or loving words should never be equated to love. Love is a test of time, struggles, loyalty, and all those good things that makes a person keep his promises of standing by even in the storms. Love doesnt mean that all u feel is goodnes and warmth, its much more than that, but the irony is that, it is as simple as knowing that u'll still see that person at home even though sometimes u just want to run away from it. Haha. But what do i know? I end up losing the ppl i love the most anyway. K2 also help me realized like the departure of my dad did leave an untraceable impact that tangled up my heart wires. Perhaps its a scar that can never heal, but only waiting to be embraced by faith; but in any ways, I don't think i'd want to risk anymore precious friendships. 

I really miss having someone real to talk shallow and deep while having 0 worries about losing them. I miss estee. Hence the closest thing i have now is blogger and twitter when i need to explode on the go. Hahahas. So yes, i'm always thankful for this outlet, as it makes me feel that i'm heard even though i believe nobody reads this space any more since I've stopped blogging about good life events and experiences.

I just wanna pray for mother poon's health, my sis' happiness and for Covid-19 virus to miraculously disappear from the face of this earth entirely. I cannot afford to lose any of my family members anymore. Now it's back to just the 3 of us again. I know one day, ppl will have to go, but pls let it not be in the next 30 yrs or so. Its abit too much to ask, but i hope to stop subtly worrying about it everday.

Good night, world. :)

bye bye gugu

you know those dreadful late night calls... yea. so friday night close to 12am we received a call to go to the hospital coz his condition isn't looking good. gugu as been in the hospital for about 2 weeks out coz of a degenerating liver. he's 84 this year. so these few days, mother poon has been jumping at every phone pings. 

mother poon is the closest to gugu. he's the eldest brother and he takes care of her alot while they were kids so she's pretty close to him. like while in the hospital, because he wanted to go home, he never told his kids that he was feeling pain (from the needles and dialysis) but came real with my mother. so we gathered at the hospital at about 12.25am and that's when the doc, very randomly told us that "he just passed away at 11.47am" in chinese. we're all like stunned. coz though he wasn't in the best of health, he wasnt in any critical stage to just  go like that. it took quite awhile to process the information coz he wasn't in icu or anything. he just quietly left like that.

the whole feels just... so familiar.

it just hits me back to the time during my dad's passing. when i arrived at the hospital at such a late hour in the night, it just recalls the cold nights at the hospital while my dad was still breathing his last moments there. while walking to his ward, i can't help feeling the cold chills that i constantly had while in the hospital (at CGH back then). those emotional feelings were transcending those familiar and unpleasing familiar physical sensations. it was obvious that mother poon was worried, to a point that she looked lost and confused while making her way to the ward though she's been constantly visiting him over the past 2 weeks.

so when i heard those words "已经去世了", my heart crumbled, just a little. but it was enough to warrant some strength to hold it in. i couldnt or rather, didn't want to breakdown coz its the 'i need to be strong for mother poon' situation. i just didn't want to cry like that and make mother poon cry more. but deep down, i was about 60% sure that those tears that were being held back weren't new ones. they've resurfaced from those residing pits since my dad left. 

i just didn't like that feeling altogether. i felt that i wanted to msg someone. i just wanted some tlc or attention. i majorly thought of you, but i knew it wasn't right to communicate with you in any way. i almost felt lonely, but i was mentally more preoccupied with trying to close the valves of those tear ducts and trying to understand that i need to learn to deal with these moments that i'm actually seeking tlc and attention. it is in such moments that i'm being reminded that i'm alone and i just need to deal with it on my own. honestly, it wasn't thaaaaatttt difficult though. i guess it's also coz i'm on this route to self-improvement since the start of 2020. 

everything was pretty quick and somehow, 'fitted nicely' coz everything was over the weekend and the +1 public holiday on monday. he passed away on friday night, then sunday was national day and today was the cremation. due to COVID, funerals shouldnt be more than 3 days also. so yea. mother poon did well. i think also coz of social-distancing, ppl couldnt comfort mother poon by putting their arms around her and all, so i guess that helped in reducing all those tears that could potentially flow. but today during the cremation, i was just trying to focus more on a shaking mother poon who was just 1m away from me, who was trying to say her last goodbyes through the glass while trying to clear up the tears from her tears to get a better view. the fight to hold back the tears were still on-going. actually either looking at the coffin or mother poon also increased the tears pressure. so intermittently, i was just erm, trying to focus on the architecture of the cremation viewing hall at Mandai and all.

actually nowadays, it's really alot better now. i just saw the coffin, being transported into another room and the door closed - all electronically with no manual inputs. that's also when i recalled that last clear distinct image i had of my dad. my dad's cremation was in Mt Vernon. back in 2004, it was damn bloody manual. i still rmbr 2 guys in polo tees, pushing my dad in a coffin into the flames. its not like a damn big burning flame or what, but u can see those little sparks and flames coming out of the enclosure. then when the coffin went in, the size of those escaping sparks and flames increased and more visual. those intense feeling of pain is still pretty much vivid even though 16 yrs (oh wow) have passed alrdy. its' not something u can just forget and let go. my lim peh was in that coffin eh. 

but yea, now it's all so... peaceful, so automated that it gives a sense that oh-everything-happens-like this-anyways.

everyone's feeling more or less fine. i mean, i guess its more 'accepting' coz its an 85 yo man. (as compared to my 61 yo dad). for me, it's just weird coz its always 'lets go gugu's house'. he's always the pivotal part of my mother's side of the family. every part of our chinese family tradition / culture had him around also, so i guess the next few cny would be abit empty abit.

happy birthday singapore.

abit sad that i couldnt celebrate this yr's national day, especially coz it's so unique this yr, and i also didn't have much time to get myself updated via social media also. but i'm glad i managed to take this shot while at work on sat. i took sat and monday off to accompany mother poon, so i was able to go to work on sunday. so i'm also damn happy that i manged to catch the fly past abit. work was good coz it took my mind off alittle.

so yea. 7 aug has passed and i'm also supposed to get my T3 now. but since all promotions and upgradings have ceased,  nothing much has changed. wanted to blog abit more about these few months... like what i've been doing / thinking while painstaking (still) clearing up my room, but i'm really tired now coz i ton the night with mother poon at the void deck of bukit ho swee last night. saw my (ex?) bil coz he came to visit / pick my sis up also.  whole time thinking about the what-ifs. like what if u're still with me - would u acc me? what would u say to me? what would i say to you.... etc. and also coz of all the social distancing / shift timing changes due to company's measures, i havent seen u for the longest time. i can't say i miss you, but i just wanna see u for a while coz it feels too damn long as i'm still trying to learn the skill of rmrbing that i'm supposed to be non-existent to you too. 

anyway, to end off (coz my eye lids are literally closing), all's good. life's been kind, you're still (imaginary) there in soft copy. there's still many things i'd like to blog about, but we'll leave it for next time. gd night and thanks for accompany me while reading this. 

Elected or elated?

this is (hopefully) gonna be pretty brief.
but with all the subtle rage, maybe not.
GE2020 rallying ongoing now till 10th july which is polling day. i dont really want to follow so much, so i'm just getting my feeds through forwarded whatsapp msges, ig memes, channel 8 news; and occassionaly CNA mobile news.

one thing that triggered me was something that mr heng (my grc PAP guy said, which i saw on channel 8 news). I actually cant believe that mr Heng said that if opposition takes up more seats, "other countries will see Singapore as a divided country"; "what will they think?".
perhaps what other countries think of Singapore is important to our economy, but honestly mr heng,  what is it that you think that they will think? will their thinking be as primitive as yours? how can u even say, or rather, prioritize such things in the priorities that you are fighting for? i dont quite get it.
are you instilling unnecessary fear? what kind of culture is this? what is democracy? what is having another voice in a common setting towards a common goal? this is really utterly disappointing because this is really a very wrong way of educating a nation to be adaptable and think ahead; especially when the majority of the aging population on Singapore is faithful and wants to remain loyal to the government in which PAP is the majority before it being dissolved for this election.

i guess in my generation of peers, we're all being brought up in 'transition'. though our social studies textbooks are can be pretty much propaganda stuff because it is certainly true that our late beloved MM LKY was from PAP and w/o this constituency, Singapore wouldn't be what we are today. we're taught to be thankful; and we're grateful for the foundations that forefathers laid for us.
parallel to those teachings, we're also a generation that is being taught to think out of the box - to problem solve, to troubleshoot, to adapt, to work hard and improve for ourselves; and for the nation. though it's with all that, we're still pretty much a respectful bunch that still follows 'the norm' since 'the norm is good'; at least that is what i believed i've learnt through my formative years.
idk what's in the education system now, but in general, we do see the younger folks of our nation growing up through social media. they're taught to be expressive, to fight for what they think is right, to be creative; and voice out whatever they think that can challenge norm. everything's gonna be about challenging the norm to be better. even if it means to fail, at least, lessons can be learnt - that's my perception of the younger generation for now.

i'm still triggered by what he said even after blogging it out. hahas
honestly, i had higher hopes for PAP. i do think that some of the policies are great for Singaporeans, however, there are many other minuscule areas that transcends to bigger problems that the society is facing now, especially as home-grown Singaporeans.
I'm not one who's easily won over; neither am i biased towards any parties. I'm for rationale individuals who has a clear view of the issues from all perspectives while working tgr to make Singapore a better place for Singaporeans, even for whoever who lives here momentarily.
in a sports team, a competitive team can only move as fast as the weakest player. however in a country, a country can still progress on, leaving the weaker players trailing behind because it is only the front runner that is only more visible in front of other nations that 'should matter' in terms of GDP and growth.  but is that what we really want for our country?
i'm still trying to be neutral and maintain a very rationale view, but through all these flashes of speeches as shown on channel 8, it seems like the PAP is very defensive. in my opinion, while some of the opposition parties are pretty much focused on fighting to push out policies for the welfare of the people, the PAP is just trying to defend their stand - on what they have done and who we should be voting for. u know, its really easy for them because as mentioned early, MM LKY is like a father to us all, even more so for those who have live through his blood, sweat and tears. The older folks of Singapore is going to vote out of loyalty, out of gratitude, out of faith and belief that the PAP has always been faithful as well. I'm not saying they are not going to work hard again for the next decade, but with such concentration of undiluted views, the heat just wears off, like a metal that becomes cold and after sometime, it becomes brittle and every little thing falls through those unseen cracks.\

there's one particular candidate that really really stood out because of his mind and heart.

hahas i dont have emojis on my keyboard, but i had to google: 😍😍😍😍😍😍.

this guy is so charming. hahas. #fangirlmode. i caught a few glimpse of his interviews and noticed that he was someone outstanding (not just referring to his crazy resume and work experiences). but after watching his debate further.... omg. my heart. we need such ppl in the parliment for sure. the things he say and how he can portray his heart and mind into words is amazing. its like, he can really sum up the stuff that i'm trying to say. its like, though he's an opposition to PAP, it seems like he doesn't 'oppose' them upfront, but its more like trying to ensure that everyone, including both the PAP and opposition works for the people of Singapore and nothing (culture or social norms) should take that spirit away from the parliament.

really, i'm still trying not to get too mentally involved in the politics, but the things both sides are saying are just very thought-provoking. i think this GE is very much different from other years. perhaps its also coz i'm more grown up and more 'in the workforce' that the govt policies seem to be affecting me much more because of all the monetary issues. i mean, with COVID-19 and all, the rallying and deliveries of ideas are all very different and to me, somewhat more challenging because of the fact that 'airtime' is very much limited. trying to trail social media footprints vs actually setting your foot down in front of the stage of a candidate speaking at a rally is truly different.

so now, what if the 'norm' wins again; but instead of a big win, its those like 52-48 kind. do you have that confidence to fight for the 'half-hearted' nation? are you able to keep the faith even after that drop in loyalty. however, if the opposition wins by that margin, i'm pretty sure it'll be a booster morale to keep their promises since its never easy challenging the norm. the road is not going to be easy and everyone knows that. 

i want to be faithful, i want to 饮水思源 like how Dr Jamus describes it in his fluent Chinese as well, but its really difficult when not only does it seems like your confidence is shaken, it does seem like everything's being very distracted (both referring to the people and policies). i just think this GE is almost gg to be a paradox, minus those that remain steadfast and focused.


to be clear, i'm neither siding the PAP or WP or any oppotion party in this post.
i'm just disappointed with what mr heng said, and very inspired by what Dr. Jamus said. Mr. Vivian Balakrishnan also handled the debate really well and it was really very proud to watch the both of them speak at the debate. its like, if they're representing Singapore on the world stage, i'd be so so proud.
there's one post  (i can't find it) that actually said that our way of GE-ing is quite flawed because of the fact that we're only able to vote for the groups of people in our own GRCs (something like that) through his year's rally, i personally think that we should be able to vote for individuals across. its like, in a group, i have ppl that i either strongly like, strongly dislike or remain neutral; regarding if i'd like for them to fight for Singaporeans in parliment. so, i dont like the idea that i have to vote for only either one of the 2 groups that are fighting for the grc that i'm in; as compared if i can vote for individuals.


ok, i really duno know how all this whole political thing should be played,  but i just wish that the views in the parliament can be more evenly spread out and not like, everything policy can just roll out like that. i still have much to say... oh yes.. Nadia is running for election! she's my sec sch junior and my prefect junior who became the vice-head (or issit head) prefect as well. she's always been into leadership and speaking up.. so i'm really proud that she's been giving back to the community ever since her early years too.

"Simple in Virtue, Steadfast in duty."

that is my CHIJ school motto and it's something that is embedded in my life.

btw, COVID-19 is still very much an issue, so to me, opening up to phase 2, 2 weeks before polling day is just... idk. let's just try to assume that it's a coincidence. but i believe community spread is going to increase with all these rallying and door-to-door visitis. what's with the max5pplinagroup rule when u see that ppl on tv are all clustering around with unknown ppl and all. alrdy, when interviewing one candidate for the news, u see like so many mics at the bottom of the screen. am i supposed to believe that everyone is using like a very long monopod so that the journalist can keep that social distancing? i seee some photographers using 16-35mm or 17-40m lens on a what i believe is a full-frame camera. issit whole-day wide angle shot ah? dun bluff me la. the unseen video guys also. so pls ah, who's gonna catch all the ppl that's not practicing social distancing.. so issit like its only after polling day, that the community spread is gg to be severe enough to go back to our safe phase 1? ok, i'm not saying phase 1 is good for Sg's economy, but look at the priorities vs what we've been preaching for the past 4 months now.
clearly, it all just shows that the media plays a big part in our thoughts and the best governors of our thoughts should only be ourselves because everything and everyone has their own agendas which may not be the best for urself.



--

onto a side note, other than enjoying the freedom that i'm having now, though i have no inspiration / motivation to meet any friends, i do miss having perplexing conversations with ex-important individuals in my life.

i'm actually looking at masters programmes, but i keep telling myself to stop reading up and dreaming about it for now because someone once told me that i should be less selfish, and spend more time with the ppl who love me. yea.

and ya, i'm still packing our my room and sorting out my life's mess, literally.

i made it by 0.01!!

jang jang jang! results came out on 17 June and I MADE IT!!!!!!! i got my 2nd upp by 0.01!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  some of you guys know that the fight was real man. if i had 1 A-, i'd grad with 3.98. 

in this final sem, EAS499 is the capstone FYP and for the last 2 cohorts, the highest was A-. ICT133 and ICT162 are python mods. i had 0 prog knowledge to begin with and students have trouble clearing ICT133. So initially, i was just aiming to pass it or smth. it was really all out or nothing.

at first i was like.. ok, just try my best for my FYP, then we see how the programming mods go.

then after my TMA submissions and results, i realized, eh, actually can fight for A eh. then left with capstone. coz to get A is really almost impossible. wah. i really got ppl from the industry to support my fyp and i really pushed it max. the vid presentation do until power power.. edit until like better than my travel vlogs. hahahas 

so after both the exams and capstone presentation, i felt like ok.... good job sportspoon. even if i dont get my 2nd upp, its ok. coz i really gave my ultimate best so if really have to 3.98, u can regret about your situation and not about ur efforts. hahahahs. i mean i think if i didnt' fail Analogue in yr 1, my GPA will be 4.13, and i wouldnt need to fight until like this for this final sem.

the night before 17 June, i was damn apprehensive. i kept checking my email, in case they send early or smth. hahah. u know its like, sometimes u put in so much effort ah, u know that it's gg to turn out well kind. even if it doesn't turn out well, u know that u're gg to be proud of the effort u've put in kind. this is just so so so great. its been awhile since i'm this happy. and if you can see below, other than the first sem, i'm always below 4.0. 

so yea. what's even more surprising is i got A+ for python OOP. wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. from struggling to pass to this. but i really practiced the lab 2-3 times each. i even crashed other tutorials online lect just to see other ways of programming a qns. also thanks to COVID and CB period, i was at home all day coding. no trngs or distractions or whatsoeva. i even had abit of night time to watch netflix. ahahhs


so really, thank God! its really by God's grace. i mean the prog mods are really by sheer effort. but the capstone project ah... its really by His Grace. this kind of open ended qns ah... want to score A is u really need that bit of grace. but this is really alot of grace.

i'm so happy until now like i'm scared abit coz everytime i'm happy, something's gg to happen.. or like taken away from me.  hmm. one of the disappointing note is that i realized, i forgot to apply my moe bursary for this Jan semester. i applied for this coming Jul sem, thinking that it was for the Jan sem. so its about $1k gone. govt also changed this from the former $675 to $1280..... from moe bursary to aka Higher Education Bursary. wasted uh. like if only this amount is like this in year 1. could have saved so much money. but yea. thank God the money struggles are over too. no more sch fees to pay after grad.


recently, i've also been thinking about u more again. i wonder how are u.. or like would u be proud of me and all. mehhhhhhhhhhhhh. but the good thing is, this year round, i really feel that i've moved out of the darkest pits. i'm fine with those memories and missingyous coz they dont haunt me like they did. they're just thoughts. good and bad thoughts that made me who i am today. i'm really proud of myself for coming this far coz i dont have to fear disappointing anyone. i'm enjoying this freedom and like, the only person who can look down on myself and no one else. :) its really a good year.

on a side note, we're in Phase 2 of CB now. and that means can makan outside. somemore, this wkend is father's day. lets just hope there's no phase 2 covid. pls continue to be kiasee ppl, bcoz i think that's one of the most effective reasons that singapore can do well in such pandemic.

okok byesssss. :)

annyeong, my name is 마리안

hi, my name is  마리안.
haha. wait, let me explain later.

haha. lol. ok. FYP presentation last thurs went really well.
in my life, i've never practiced for a presentation so seriously before. last time poly days, chiong report, and finish ppt slides like 10mins b4 presentation and then go in straight for presentaion with full on business attire infront of real-industry clients.

this time its not as 'scary', but i guess coz of my expectations, i unnecessarily added all the fears.
but really thank God for kind hearts. both my examiner and supervisor were really kind and gave good comments about my project. it really made me feel better about my project. though my project was applicable and able to solve some operational challenges, i felt like it lacked engineering depth. like i could do more. but over 2 sems, its not really possible. i think to sum up my project, i think its a good marketing project, and not a great engineering project

but yea, i'm very insecure when if comes to face-timing ppl. i've never done it with anyone other than with k1 when i was in montreal. so far for this CB period, i have also never vid call my face anyone much other than my sch mates while we're testing out zoom functions for the presentation. but seeing my capstone spvsr and my ex-bosses whom i invited got me excited and i didn't focus on my insecurities. i'm so happy tt they turned up to support me coz they're also aware of the ops issues at work and interested to see what i've got. i'm really very blessed. as u'd know, i hated my office job though it wasnt 100% deskbound. but what made the whole period so worthwhile was that i had good bosses and colleagues. i can't be more thankful than that esp it was my first left job after grad that time. i do miss them. but yea, hating my job > loving my colleagues and hence switched to a job that's job > pay. ok we'll leave this topic for the next time. ANYWAYS........


so then again, what makes a successful project?
maybe coz of my marketing roots, i feel like a project, whatever the subject, can only be good only if it is being marketed well. hahhas (i can feel all my poly lecturers cheering loudly to that.)
its like, if u have a great engineering idea, but u fail to meet the needs and demands nor create the latter, i think it's still useless. i mean if we're harsh enough to only focus on the results and not talk about learning journey and cliche stuff like that..... so in another words, i was really focusing on the results of my project. no doubt i did learn like mad esp about the programming part, but really, what's worth? the world really runs on needs and wants. that's why i think aviation is best. like if u know how a commercial aircaft really works; down to the rationale of how/why each component is being built, u'll really be amazed by how efficient it is. and here comes the irony again, the more efficient the component is, the more expensive it is even though if its a simple design.


i feel like life is just full or ironies.

during my sec sch time, the 'better' students all went to biz sch while those who didn't score that well goes to engineering sch.
scoring high GPAs in poly was easier for engrg students than biz students.
and and when it comes to uni level,  its so easy to get a business degree, but its really takes my blood and sweat to complete an engineering degree.
its like, anyone can get an MBA if they want to. but for a Engineer masters.. its really like ... can u or not?
then now, when it comes to work, at the lower level, engineers earn much more than those executives. but at the higher mgmt level, business ppl earns more overall.


i really dont like how all this economy work. ungrateful or what, but maybe i prefer to be in a communist country. i dun think i wanna elaborate on this, not because its a sensitive topic, but just coz it's not worth my time. but hor, that's y i love Singapore. i feel like we wanna be both. we want to be communist, but we want to be democratic. we want to have rules, but we also want to be flexible. to even try and sum it up, we're just kiasee and kiasu. and i think that's the best spirit to surive and thrive.


ok anyway, idk wth i'm talking about now. its sooo off my topic.

so yea, my title is my name in korean.
so after my final final final sch submission, i studdent feel that blank space in life.
i mean its not like dun have things to do. as mentioned in the last post, i have a long list.
but u know, all these years, my mind always had something. as in like, there's always an obligation to catch. one of the secret reason of doing this painful 2nd degree in 2016, it is to keep my mind occupied. back then in 2014, i was on my 7th year of not moving on my first r/s. i wasn't super heatbroken or anything, but i felt like all these emotional mental thoughts should be channeled into something more productive. and i guess studying can also block out all those useless thoughts
so now, its 2020 alrdy. alot has changed mentally. i spent the prime of my youth studying instead of chionging my career and climb whatever ladder just to earn more money. sometimes i wanna say a regret, but in life, i never really can justify a feeling of regret coz i know in life, i am constantly giving my best whenever i can.

so yea. it's this blank space now.
no, its not an empty bottomless pit that i would have called it back then.
i dun think i should think about masters coz i know i'd wanna do it. but now, i should respect my youth abit more because the mountains have been calling.

its Saturday today, 3 days past. and other than working, i've just been watching korean dramas and cooking my meals and laze around. i dont think its a life that i'd like to get used to.
oh. there's one thing. i'm back in main shift at work. FINALLY. so nobody can throw the 'you study shift what' excuse. HAH. #inyourfacebitches. ahahha. just needed to get that out.
and other than that, i'm happy like now, i can work more freely. as in like, i dont have to worry about trying to conserve energy so that i have enough energy to go to sch or go and study.
idk how to describe this feeling, but its like, i can finally just give all out and like, enjoy my work like that. although now i'm really starting to detest my pay sourly, i'm just embracing every moment though now, coz of COVID-19, the work scope has changed. ;( all these preservation work and very little component changes just makes me ugghhhhhhhh. but ok, at least no emails. hah.

ok so yea. sorry for sidetrackking abit.
other than writing my resume here and there, i'm learning korean online. ahhahs
no serious reason to that. i just want to watch my korean dramas more effectively. and once i can like understand it, i can like watch a korean drama while doing something other than reading the subtitles. ahhahs


but to end off well again, i can really feel myself getting better. i think i'm referring to my mental state. i'm not saying i'm indestructible, but i feel like instead of building all these walls and fences, i'm not building them anymore. ok wait, let me clarify that. the walls are still there, but i've stopped building them. yea. it makes a difference if u really scrutinize it metaphorically. i'm really happy right now. as in, i feel that carefree-ness. in life, i dont think anyone can forget anyone for good and bad; neither can i say that i dont miss anyway. occasionally, i still think of the special persons that have come and go. i still think abt ur graduations. like how are u doing in life. what are the exciting plans u have ahead. but those are just passing thoughts and they are no longer trade-offs to my happy thoughts. i can now say that all those thoughts and memories dont haunt me as much as a did now.
perhaps coz now i'm just flooded with the joy of finishing sch that i dont dwell on the negative thoughts, but hope that this mindset will be like this.

other than all these personal growth, i want to give back to the sch. not really to the organization kinda thing, but i wanna help year 1s and 2s. not in any personal way, but i hope lost students can be smarter in their subject selections each sem. i hope that they can meet like-minded ppl throughout their studying like how i got my studying squad fighting tgr with me.
maybe over the next few days, i can spend some time thinking about how the BEHAS course structure can be improved and how the sch systems can be revised to help students cope with working and studying at the same time.


lastly, all in all, instead of just moving on from my past, i can finally sail into improving myself as a better person. i thank God for carrying me through those darkest times. i will never forget how God can 'appear' or rather, have His presence felt even though when i'm so so distant with a heat that's not just right in any place. i hope more ppl can know and believe this faith. i'm not very strong with Biblical stuff, but that's the thing about this 'religion'. u know, some ppl always say like 'christian is not a religion' and then all the anti-christians will be like 'oh yea right'. but to me ah, really, i like how 'unreligionly' i can feel about my walk with God. its always peaceful to know that God loves me no matter what. dont get me wrong, i'm not like ungrateful or taking things for granted... maybe i just hope that more ppl can know 'the God' as how i know my God.


haha guess i'll be blogging more often?
so many things to say. so many good and bad things to share but i dun have anyone to share with. no, not complaining. actually more happy than feeling the loneliness that should tie in with being alone. just thankful and grateful. despite COVID-19 and no Nepal this year, i still know that 2020 is gg to be a good year after all these years. :)

LAST PAPER

today's the LAST PAPER of this 5 arduous years of this work-study routine.
idk if it's too premature to be xiao celebrating abit, but YASS.
i'm actually filled with alot of emotions right now though i have 1 more fyp presentation next week till i totally finish all the sch stuff before the release of examination results.

its been awhile since i blogged because i'm happy.
looking at the trashy past posts, it makes my life so dark, which it was.
this 5 yrs, i've really sacrificed alot, but i wanna share what's on my immediate mind now.

first, i want to thank the grp of sch friends. i didnt think i would make any friends in sch, since this deg is supposedly catered to working adults who would be busy ppl. the demands of the curriculum proved otherwise. i mean, there are people who are not working and also struggle with graduating. the grp of friends which i should name are ant, tim, des, andrew and in the later part of the years, paul, yy, kaileng, shirlynn and wilson. i honestly thought i could do this on my own. but really, no. we all worked as a team, and trusted each other. i mean like, everyone tries their best and no on really leeches on each other and i think its a wonderful grp to be working tgr.  so in a way, everyone learns alot more together and being engineering, everyone's mostly black and white. no grey areas. hahahs we do argue over workings and stuff like that, but i'm glad everything happened. ahhahs. i hope that everyone in the sch could be like this coz this aerospace deg is really mad tough. i mean like, i dont wanna discredit other degree programmes coz other than taking a business one, idk whats gg on in other programme. but really.
i guess also coz in year 2 / 3, the gg was going for the autonomous and 'local uni' status, trying to break free from UniSIM to SUSS. the lecturers were all changing the syllabus, making exam papers harder and we really felt their efforts. some of the exam qns really cant do. the qns were really to freaking test ur understanding and application. in a good way, because it was so hard, everyone can't do, so nobody fail coz the sch had to moderate it. i rmbr for the legendary EAS309 Aerodynamics module. hahas. i counted like i could only get 37/100 if i'm lenient to give myself 1 mark for formula and a few follow-through method marks. i was confident that i would fail it. in the end, i got a B. LOL. that's how much they had to moderate. so the legendary lecturer says "no on fails my exam. you only fail yourself when u dont turn up for the paper"- TJK. hahhahhahahahas. (when we asked him if the paper would be difficult). look how right he is. hahahahs.
but yea, i'm proud to say i'm one of the students who lived through this status change, also for my BEHAS course to attain the Engineering Accreditation by EAB and IES. (ok i googled the latter. can't rmbr whats the engrg stunt for also. ahhahas)

to try and do a comparision, for my marketing deg, i can just study 1 week b4 exam week and no problem. easily manged a B with fluff. but for this engineering deg ah, wah lau. cannot smoke. cannot fluff. if u really duno how to do the q, the most u can do is just throw in some formula and hope for the best and moderation. i really struggled so much and even after feeling good about some papers, i dare not aim for an A. and for most of the papers, i started studying damn hard and focusing on the exams 3.5 weeks before coz that's when we're mostly done with the quizzies, lab reports and TMAs.
there were some mgmt modules in this programme and i'm proud to say i got A for of them. for most of the TMAs, i'm also one of the top few. sorry, just had to brag coz i really put in alot of effort and all those report writing in my poly / uni days really helped.
so yea. i wasnt doing well in yr 1 and 2 on my own. mostly Bs and Cs. but with the friends made in yr 2 onwards, i was mostly getting As and Bs...


2ndly, i guess i wanna thank my collegues.
most of the ppl at work dont like ppl who are studying because of the 'study shift' which initially means to change from MM1EN to MMNN. pattern. after the company changed the shift timings, our 'study shift' timings couldn't change to coming in 2.5h earlier for night shifts coz we end classes at 10pm. so most of the guys were unhappy. so yea, through the 5 yrs, alof of ppl didnt like me. the spvrs and some ppl tried to get me out of their dept / team and all. basically there were alot of judgement and scrutiny.  this 'study shift' thing came about alse because of me. i was the one who fight for it 4 yrs ago. in a way, its a win-win situation coz its always the M and especially N shift that needed more men. but well. no one sees it this way because 1. people are selfish. 2. an insecure company always think that the employees are always out there to take advantage of the system.
so for my first yr of studies, it was alot of time-offs and then paying back on offdays, which means 0 overtime. the mgmt wanted it, but HR couldn't deal with the paperwork and it was alot of operational concerns in the end because it was very disruptive when it comes to tool prep, accountability and stuff like that.  and yea, there's aaaaaallllottt going on everywhere in which i dont think i should mention here. so all in all, after 10000 yrs, the company finally had a study shift. of course many guys weren't too happy about it because some of them wanted to study when they're much younger because, let's just say 'operational demands' hold the key excuse to every single bloody thing.
so anyway, because of this 'study shift', many ppl started studying legitly and this makes me really happy. at least i could do something for the guys around me. there's gotta be haters, but then again, why didnt u fight for it? i didn't just fight and get what i wanted u know. i had to draft out stuff, make plans, showed my plans, showed how things could also benefit operationally and all. that mgmt guy wasn't too happy because of all the residing politics, but if u wanna change for the better, u gotta change. at this point in time, like i mean, after 5 yrs, i've grown out of the haters. there are days where i literally cry when i ride home from work because of the nasty things ppl say to me or from what ppl tell me whether true or not, but at the end of the day, look at the progress. look at how many guys can finally get their diplomas after working for 10 over yrs in the company.
i'm really proud of it you know. some of them have like 3 kids and all, and willing to go through 2 more yrs of work-study just for that earlier increment because any qualification that is higher from the last in which u used it to enter to company, allows u for a jump in technical grade, which transcends to a small monthy increment which is a multiplier effect if you do overtime.

when i was in the mgmt, i didn't think overtime was a big deal. i often wondered why those ground workers argue and fight over doing OT. to me (at that time), no need work overtime good what.
there was once 2 guys came to my office and quarreled infront of me regarding OT. i thought like, wth, y so serious sia. chill. i had to like explain things to them like a caring mother omg. hahaha. now that i'm a ground worker myself, omg. hahahs. this shit is real. its not just 'OT' and the money, but there's so many tied around it. so much emotions, so much anger, so much opportunity costs, so much to lose in all.  its all RELATIVE. its such a sensitive thing just because of poor corporate culture and all the shit which i dont want to explain because this is suppose to be a nice post. hahahahas. maybe next time. but for now, let's just say that i've learnt that the valuation of money is really relative. it like, to you, maybe $1 is not alot. but if $1 is the only money that u're accessible to when u want to get from jurong to pasir ris, $1 may be a life-saver.

so yea, thank u for the very few and countable collegues who understood and supported me in any way. to me, by not condemning ppl who study or just diligently doing ur own work and watching out for ur own safety means supporting me in some ways alrdy. so yes, thank you, especially during exam periods.


next, my friends.
firstly, i'm sorry if i dont message / write letters anymore. i realized i've stopped doing them after 2016, which is also the start of sch. thank u for those who stood by me, for those who msged or just kept the distance. i wanna thank 2 ppl who keep popping up in my mind. Amanda (+ sz) and Estee. like amanda who randomly shows up and surprises me and mother poon with bubble tea and cakes and estee who sends me bday cards and all the nice stuff even though she's like 100000km away. i feel so blessed. really. its like, the are really my pillars. ok la, and dickson who occasionally accompanied me to study while he killed time by doing some of his work or watch netflix while i painstaking solved mathematical equations and fourier transforms. hahahs. thanks for the time we had ice cream tgr after my brain was close to overheating for the overdrive. but yea. these are my pillars.
idk if i'm able to survive.

in 2018, k1 left and it killed me inside. 2019 came, and k2 stabbed in further when i was still trying to find myself. i dont hate them, but i find it hard to believe that i'm actually thankful that they came in and walked out from my life just like that. to some extend, i am sorry for myself for trusting them because i thought i could, but both of them taught me so much. there's more gratitude than hatred though both emotions are equally intense when it comes to them. (wah, finally for the first time, i feel like i can write out the emotions almost closely to how i feel about it.) i do hope they are well because i know they're gonna be better off w/o me anyways. hahahs. coincidentally or ironically, these 2 persons are also graduating from their respective schs this year. so some promises like "i will be there for your graduation" are going to be broken - not because i'm not graduating, but either because 1) i am no longer existent in ur life or 2) covid-19 circuit breaker measures. lol. hahahahahs.
there are days where i have subtle intentions of trying to creep into the graduation hall or smth just to take a few photos of u guys coz i know it was a tough time getting through ur respective programmes as well. but one thing k2 taught me was self-worth. i will need to work on loving myself more before i can really love anyone. let me just learn to thrive on that for now.

tbh, i never thought that graduation is a big thing. actually now i also dont think its a big thing coz its just a ceremony for ppl to read out the long list of ppl leaving the sch. its not like u're more impressive because u attended graduation or take photos to have proof of ur graduation. hahas. but because of this particular BEHAS programme, this 5 yrs is worth a celebration of and with the ppl whom u love and who stood by u throughout tough times.


thirdly, my rugby / bowling / climbing circle. i think to some extent, its quite rude to be in and out seasons like that. but really no choice. it was always saving up my leaves for exams. so if i'm not working, i'm studying. i didnt have much time to do anything or have the energy to do it if i wanted to. u know like energy cannot be created or destroyed right. ahhas. so like, if i spent more time and energy in doing activities that i would like to do, it would mean that i have less energy to focus on my studies. the amount of sleep time i am allowed to is probably just enough to survive work and abit of study. so yea, this is what it means by sacrifices. idk how to link this ideology of sacrificing to sacrificing the people you love, but let's just say love is complicated. hahah.


lastly, mother poon. and abit of the sister.
mother poon who' still a full time mother and housewife even though there's no living husband. she still faithfully cooks for me when i can be home for dinner, does the house work, changes my bedsheets and washes my uniform and underwear. on some bad days,  we some how would end up retaliating each other with brutal harsh honest words, but then somehow, next day like everything ok. nothing seems to affect us. i really think that's love. we love by actions and not by words. in this world, there is no one who can be like this, that's y i say mother poon is best. we have no manners and that's our manners. idk if its also taking each other for granted, but i dont feel like its that way because we can be who we wanna be, and still love each other without needing any words of validation. its a love so deep that u can't just say oh i love mother poon coz that doesn't justify the depths of it. i dont think anyone (other than my dad also) who have loved me this way.
for my sister, also along the same lines. i guess u can say its a family culture. but tangibly, thank u for printing my reports with crazy submission deadlines. sometimes even trying to get the correct colour tone of the report. ok. if we fight again, i'll rmbr the day u help me print that one final report. haha i still rmbr not sleeping for 2 nights in row and staying up in changi T2 just to complete it. i was super focused. i think got about 100 pages of words, tables, graphs and images. eh, we were given less than a week to complete it after coming back from UK. and ah, i got a 92 for it and i deserve that mark. HAHHAHA.



ok. yea. that's more or less of the things that came to my mind when i submitted the paper.
i didnt think the last paper i did would be at home instead of the memorable freezing examination all. its like, i still have the jitters each time the say 'you may begin'. idk if its a conditional response coz for the first 5 mins of the paper in the exam hall, i'll panicked abit even on some subjects that i'm confident of. i got a feeling its coz of PSLE. hahahs but like today and last week, like not much of a problem. i guess also coz its the first time i only have 1 paper per week. so its like 2 papers in 2 weeks as compared to last time 4 papers 1 week.
whatever it is, i'm so glad its over.
so what's next.



the very first thing on my list in which mother poon has been waiting for about 10 yrs is....
1. clear out my room
its not just about packing it, but clearing it so i can pack it.
2. pack my room
yea.  i mean all these after i super complete my fyp uh.


write letters.
Learn korean so to appreciate Korean dramas better.
climb
do scrapbooks
gym more. but for now more calisthenics workout?
TRAVEL OMG. this one. i've waited 5 yrs for NEPAL. but ok, i will wait.
bring mother poon to angmoh country like london.
class 2
class 3 (yea, looks like i'm prioritzing scrapbooking over this hahas)
i want forklift license also
towtug license
sort out dad's toolbox. idk how i'm gg to do this though. maybe not happening. ahhas

recently, i have thoughts like i'm gg to die soon. like i can hear my heartbeat, my breathing and stuff like that. i have dreams of the past unresolved issues with people, but no, i dont have dreams of my dad or ppl who have passed on. but idk. i hope that i dont die soon even i'm saying all these glibberish stuff. u know like those spooky coincidences. hahas yea. okok no. God bless me. pls keep me on this earth at least as long as mother poon is alive. anything after that is fine.

so what's really next?
change job?
idk. i wanna do my masters. but i dare not think about it. its not about not dreaming big, but there's mother poon. there's $. and there's the opportunity costs and sacrifices which i think its not fair to those who love me around me.

u know, k1 and i once argued because he said i was selfish. he said i was selfish to be doing any other degree at the expense of everything and everyone around me because i arldy had a degree and didnt need another one. i felt so shitty coz i mean like, he also studying what. that arguement happened when i was in year 2 and i didnt quite understand it. i thought like wth, can't i just study just coz i wanted to? like what'swrong in wanting to pursue passion. but after 5 yrs and losing him and the time and people around me, yea, i guess i was. and i've also learnt like, u can't justify everything just because of passion or heart.
not everything that does with the heart is fine u know. i think its some hard facts that i still find it hard to swallow, but that's the truth and its one of the bigger lessons i've learnt throughout this journey.
its like, mother poon is getting old. she's still walking fine. but not like can walk 5km non stop kind. there's a limit / time limit to everything and that's why i've always been workign hard and giving my best to everything i do. but i overlooked something. i cannot do my best in everything. as in, i shouldnt be wanting to do so many things coz there's a limit to the amount of time / amount of energy of the people around.

i guess thats why when we're younger, we always hear adults tell us like 'do your best', 'time management', 'work hard'.. .all these simple little advices. but now when i'm older, i do see the tangible expense and value that are tradeoffs. its because that i've given my best in all that i do, the little things always seem to matter and everything becomes a blurr when i can't be focused or motivated.  there's so much to really evaluate about it. haha i guess thanks to the academic vigour for this long train of thoughts. probably should write a book.

hahas omg. i've spent about 2hrs typing. sorry i got carried away. thanks for reading if anyone is reading hahahhahs. idc if its just the digital systems accessing these codes, but i'm just thankful for this year and the people who have stayed.

clearance vs numb

it was a very random thought.
on just one random night before my 0600hr shift, i couldn't sleep and idky.
yea, one of those nights
but i wasn't even thinking of you. wasn't even playing with my phone.
just rolling around in bed, with my chou chou close to me, and thankful its not one of those emo nights though it would be great it i can start sleeping soon.

then i took my phone and started to block u on ig and fb.
it was quite impulsive. u werent even in my thoughts for the past few hours. but its like all of a sudden, a realization struck me. i realized that i didn't deserve to be treated that way. i didn't do anything to u to deserve all that, other than hoping that we could spend more time as friends.
after doing that, i tried to click on ur profile again and i can't see them anymore. i didnt know how to feel. perhaps numb? i couldn't recognize any kind of feeling i could identify with.
perhaps it's a hunch that u were able to get her back. and it's probably always something u wanted which u didn't want to recognize.
but whatever it is, anyone who tried to be with someone's gf isn't right from the start. whatever the reasons. though there are more 'honourable' ways to handle such situations, i dont think i'm in any position to comment.

perhaps we're all the same.
there to fill someone else's void.
well, i could say that my heart was really all about u. then again, do i really know?
its been over a year without u now, and i'm starting to see more defined differences between departures from you and kh. haha. i can't even be bothered to give a k1 k2 to these 2 persons anymore. u guys dont deserve any effort from me anymore.

in all of the r/s i've ever been in, in the end, everyone just stop communicating. it isn't those like slowly go quiet kind. but all of them just treat me as non-existent. well, perhaps its coz i'm the one who cannot just stop the communication till it becomes one-way and then becoming non-existent right?

during these whole CB period, i feel like... liberated somehow. i'm actually enjoying the fact that my daily plans are just so... me. on days that i'm not working, i wake up, cook lunch, study, eat dinner, netfilx, sleep and repeat. no plans to worry about, other than sch work which has all been so managable. oh yea, my kind colleague shared with me his netflix acc. so i'm just watching all the shows, and not even playing much social media. sometimes i ig story about whatever's interesting around, and that's it. i dont even bother scrolling for other ppl's feeds.

sometimes i wish the world could go back to snail mail. like if only there's a way to just retain google  or whatever means to keep up with reading info, but zero means to communicate electronically. everyone's probably already taking communication for granted until it has become a norm now that 'taking for granted' doesn't exist. in the past, it would be deliberately meeting up, or like taking out a piece of paper and pen, make and envelope and find a stamp just to send out a message literally. now, ppl dont even respond.


idk but the closet that i'm putting myself back in feels comfortable again. i'm really adamant about being close to any one. now, not even with those that i'm platonically close to. u know, i secretly wish that this CB period can extend till forever. maybe like just allow back sports activities like my rugby, bowling and climbing. hahahs. i'm so biased. but yea. no dinners. no socializing. no hanging out.
only with family members.


my family now is probably going to go through another emotionally tough period of time all thanks to another man also. is this all in our blood ah? we just can't keep our men. haha. look at my dad. look at mother poon's first love. whether it be by choice or not, no men stays. i really miss my dad. but that's all is possible. work is shit coz ppl, both ground and mgmt are being shitheads. idky ppl can't just fcking work tgr during this period of time, but i have given up.
u know its like... the mgmt boast like oh we take 7% 12% paycut. yea wow. what is that amt when ur pay is like $10k right. and yea. work from home. and the ground guys? we take compulsory no pay leave, no ot, which means all the allowances cut. so in the end, that's a good 30-40% pay cut. and if ur pay is like $2k.it means that for the month in May, i'm probably gonna take home $1.7k. so what is relative now? i'm not even sure.

all that fire and flame has died. i want to say that i've stopped fighting for the issues that i feel passionately about, but its more like, i'm just tired of the fights.
its like, fight or no fight, nothing changed.
look at how kh can leave just like that.
like how d walked away just like that. 15 yrs ago and still no sign of him.
like how my father left.

honestly, after finishing my exams this month, idk whats next. i secretly thought of doing my masters, but the course i'm interested in is in UK. and honestly, i dun even dare dream of studying again. all the ppl who left. idk if its a good thing to know who's stayed, but i just want to be alone.
mother poon doesn't want to be alone that's for sure. though she says she's ok and all. we all know.

other than thriving in being disconnected with people around me, i feel that disconnection and connection within myself. there's so many things i want to reboot. so many things i want to be thankful for, especially for all that pain felt in the last 2 years.
i dont even know if God is far away coz by 'knowledge', God is near. i dont even know i'm taking Him for granted. but i just know i'm not a christian that i can be proud of. my heart isn't right. its not about being in the right place. it just feels like an empty deck, with no one manning the steering wheel. not me, not God. just letting circumstances blow my sails to whatever the directions. and its like, i'm just hoping for God to be the circumstances, to be the wind of my sails.  i feel quite disgusted that i'm not even praying for God to be the captain of my ship. its not that i dont want to. its not that i'm ashamed of myself or anything. its just like... this blank sheet. nothing.

perhaps the broken pieces of my heart is all back into one again, held back together with the chains. but this time, instead of the chains being an added security, it feels like they fused in together as its secondary structure. no, its not a bad thing. i'm just keeping my heart for myself. i'm tired of sharing. tired of giving. tired of letting it get exposed to anything or anyone. i guess its all ok to just leave it in this config till the day i lose my breath on this earth. there's nothing really left fighting for other than mother poon.



clearance or numb?
i can't tell the difference

policies

an insecure company makes the worst policies because of the lack of trust in their men; which then becomes a vicious cycle because the men cannot trust any policies from the company.

at the line, on the line.

ok. decided to give an update here u know why? coz, my dept now as got 2 confirmed cases.
wanted to blog when the first case was made known, but was rushing out assignments so didn't have the time. so much feelings and many things to say. where do i begin.
as of now: 2,033,452 cases. that's 2 million in english, 130k deaths = 130, 000 people died.
and a 1-day 447 spike today in Singapore, with about 3,699 tested and reported cases.
i'm pretty sure we're gg to hit the 5k mark. just a matter of time.

i think firstly, i wanna share like my feelings and reactions. again i know nobody cares, but just for the sake of documentation alright. ahhahs.
we're in the CB phase now. as from the last post when our PM gave his speech... everyone's been CB-ing here and there. i think its good humour. least it lightens the atmosphere.
memes were saying like.. CB then CCB (complete circuit breaker la), then maybe KNNBCCB. hahas


personally, i'm just really scared to go to work. its not that i'm scared to be physically present at work, but there's really no policies / organisation to protect ourselves at work. shift timings still doesn't promote segregation. physical segregation policies at work place are not effective because they are not well planned and thought through. everything is done based on paper work, for the black and white, for the protect - of the company's position and not our health. i'm probably gg to get into trouble if someone screenshot this space and it goes viral, or if MOH / company steps in here or anything. but really. i dun think i should hide coz i'm just expressing my concerns. but pls ah, anyone here pls dont take it viral. thanks.

but yea. just to give an example, for the first case, the guy who kena is from Team B. so on paper, those in Team B in his shift all asked to go home, Team A stays. so i was talking to one of the engrs who was taking her bag to go home. she was telling me its stupid coz she hasn't been in contact / near him but coz she Team B, she needs to go home. on the other hand, another tech who has been closely working with him, has to stay on at work just because his name is on Team A.  now how?
like i told her, 1 case is 'just 1 case'. they dont see it as a beginning / potential of a cluster. and i was pretty sure then we're gonna see a few cases up in these few weeks to come. and lo and behold, just today, we recieved news of the 2nd case.

its like, we have common tool store. we have limited vehicles. everything is shared.
how are u going to manage that?
i really dont care what's the business conerns as of now. on the ground, we're all feeling the heat coz everyone's quite touchy and defensive. company scared ppl take advantage, while in fact, there are actual and serious risks around. but yea 'we not like in health care frontline'. just wait and see how the numbers are gg to rise loh. idk what constitutes as substatial.

so in my opinion there are 2 + 1 grps of ppl:
1. those genuinely scared and afraid to go to work.
2. those who just want to take advantage of the situation whom may / may not be concerned about covid
3. the mgmt, who thinks that only the 2nd grp of ppl exist.

so now, eveything is so screwed up coz there's really no contingency plans. ppl are doubting each other's agendas, politics and all the shit. its like, OMG GUYS. wake the fcking up.
it's alrdy such time of crisis. why cant we just work together, trust each other, and just really protect ourselves and each other. it  just seems like politics and our safetly/health both equally weigh the same. i just think its very disgusting, even at this level. like all these experienced men, fathers, adults, engineers, mgmt,.... what is really our priority right now? even if i try to put myself in the mgmt shoes, i just dont understand all the 'measures' that we're taking.

i'm not saying that we close shop / total hut down or what. but there are really better ways to plan, cope and manage. shift timings. working space. since ops demand is on all time lull, what are the concerns? what's on hand? i really dont think its time to stick to rules and policies that are in place when everything is fine. just like our govt. one day say dont wear mask unless u sick (in which i was appalled then), and just ytd, it is compulsory to wear mask when u're if not kena fine.

i'm not saying that the decisions made are lousy. i'm saying that we need to be adaptable.
we need to think.
we need to enforce.
and enforce what's right, what's best to protect ourselves (health) so that we can protect those at home.
i really dont want to be bringing back the virus home to mother poon w/o even knowing.


"if i must go to work i want to go union"
"go ahead. fyi. company nv force you to come to work"
"Pls read MOH website for the guidelines. Mgmt said It's stated there."
"Doesn’t stated we need to be in contact for more than 30mins"
Pls refer to HR or Union. As per mgmt, 2 meters apart and 30 mins constant contact"
"Staff is voicing out his concern.. No need for unnecessary remarks. This is the time we have each other's back together, not apart"

we really dont need such... deliberations. why can't we put in more effort in think of how to practice social distancing at work and keeping ourselves safe?

the scary thing about COVID is that it's not scary.
its not scary enough to make people take precautionary measures unlike SARS. and what's even scarier is that a carrier may be asymptomatic. its like, i may be a carrier to my mother but i'm not showing symptoms. and if my immune system kills it b4 i really show symptoms, i really wouldn't know if i was even once a covoid carrier. and on the other hand, what if mother poon (CHOY TOUCH ALL THE WOOD) really kena. that's how all the unlinked cases sprout out uh. from the time u're a carrier and the time u show symptoms, it can be like 7 days? in that time frame, u can't even rmbr what u do, least whom u've meet, talked to or crossed paths with.
and ironically, its probably the first time that the elderly ppl grp are actually nonchalant about it while the younger ppl are taking it more seriously. usually its the younger kids that are rebellious and wanna go defiant and all. this time ah, alll the aunties and uncles just can't stay at home or cant be bothered. and what's alarming is that covid cases seems to be more severe with the elderly. oh wells.

and yea. on top of all these life's mess. there' still sch work that's all so ambigious and uncertain. the content and all is still there. but like we duno what to expect for the exams since the format has changed. our fyp also changed to ONLINE PRESENTATION. omg. i hate being infront of a screen.
it amplifies my insecurities. ahhs. for the record, i'm only comfortable and willing to have a proper video call with u. i still rmbr the first time when i was in montreal, we'd be online for like 1-2hrs. the time diff was 12hrs... so it was easier to keep track? hahas i kept u accompnay for ur night shifts while u kept me company during my monrng activities.
it was nice. and like all good things dont come to an end, those good days never lasted. i missed those days. it felt real. and it felt like they can last forever. oh wells. there's more impt things in life i guess.


hahas ok. lastly.
in times like this, i bo bian think of u.
i wonder if like are u worried for urself and ur fam. or like, if u even bothered if i am still alive.
but yea, even now when u physically see me, u can take it that i'm physically not there anyway. ashhahs. some times i also question my existance. but oh wells. just hope all's well going on ur side with sch and exams as well.

byes. gotta zz now. 6am reporting to work. gg through biometric assessed area as well. ahhas pray for me.

the moment our PM spoke

just another day worth documenting.

so just over an our ago, our PM gave his legit address to the nation.
it was a 4pm live telecast and boy, prior to 4pm, there was an influx of fake news.... especially those saying that 'sg is gg to lockdown in clusters' and all.

just dont understand. we're all in this tgr and why must ppl still so free go put up fake news.
then on whatsapp, everyone circulating photos of vids of the situations of supermarkets.
fake news is a no no, but yes to trolls and memes. haha i should post some of my fav hilarious memes. i mean, i dont think that everyone is not taking it seriously, but i think it is ok and alright to add abit of humor to the dire situation. least it elevates the stress and not the severity of reality.

but on a more serious note, our contract staff  just got asked to stop coming to work for 3 months, no pay. some of them were given like 2hrs notice b4 their night shift. to us locals.. 'oh just stop work loh'. but to them, it's really a big deal. most of them are not locals. the guys from msia have alrdy been asked to stay home since their country's border controls got implemented, while the philippinos are faced with financial, accom, logistics stresses since work permits are affected and hence their $$ rentals and all. i'm not sure of the details, but most of my friends have evaluated that it is best to fly home to be with their family during this period of time since it is not  financially viable to stay in their rented apartments w/o a pay, and with no confirmation if they would be getting their jobs back at the end of the 3 months.

the situation for them is really very abrupt. some dont even have time / no means / intention / instructions to clearout their lockers. while we locals are very protected, these are the things that my colleagues are facing and idk how i can help them given my situation as well.
and while all these are happening, currently employed staff are complaining why they have to take no pay leave and forced to clear their annual leaves.
and on the other hand, some dept can still go on OT.

i dun think its also right to question what is right and what is fair now. but imptly, everyone should be working together. by saying so, its not just to force ppl to follow / not follow policies, but its really about having the heart and mind to think for urself AND each other.


for me, other than my finances coz its seems like i'm gg to be the only one with an income for an ambiguous length of time, exams are next month and we have no clue if it is still on / whats the format gg to be like.
i do hope like they're forgiving and be lenient in their marking coz this unprecedented situation is very very disrupting and even exam priorities are diminishing with the increasing level of stress around trying to cope with the siuation.

i'm kinda glad that its my final sem. though i'm still not sure if graduation is still possible this year, i'm glad at least my sch fees are more or less done (assuming i clear these final 3 mods.). its just pretty disappointing that we all rushed and pressured ourselves to intensify the level of stress by taking 4-5 mods / sem just to grad in 4.5 years, but now, it seems like all these effort might be wasted.

i'm also glad to be currently employed for now, though 'retrenchment talks' and rumours are around everyday at work. idk if i'm scared or not coz i think i still have grabfood / foodpanda / macdelivery options (which might even allow me to earn more than my current pay). ahhhahas

but in any way, as i'm typing this now, 1,026,739 is the current world tats, a huge leap from the 260k a few days ago. i dont think the situation is gg to plateau anytime soon but let's pray for other countries as they are really in national crisis now even for the 'developed' countries. some trolls were saying that developing countries have 'no problems' with covid cases because..... they simply dont have test kits. whether to take it as a joke or not, the numbers are increasing, still sharply.

lastly, also thankful for sg govt. i think we're the only country in the world that our govt is giving out $$ to ppl who have lost their jobs due to covid for the next 9 mths? like $800 or $1k or smth. there's like support for lower income households with kids and all. idk how else we can make the situation better, other than stop freaking panic buy and just say home / limit interaction and physical communication with strangers.

ok. now not sure if i should be watching my online lect or the live news. haha.