for the past few days leading up to writing today's annual post about doing a closure for the year, i've really been thinking about this year.
as evident as it shows in this space, 2018 was really really,.. (haha, i can't even find a word to describe the depths of it)... low. i 'needed' a 2019, something imaginary yet tangible to some extent, to just bring me out of the depths. i was looking forward to 2019 actually, knowing that if u're alrdy so so low, u can really only go up from there. hmm, let's try to do this chronologically / in phases, and then a summary.
so, i entered 2019 with an unexpectant heart, yet embracing whatever hits may come. i tried to focus on my studies alot more but that emptiness of 2019 was still pretty distract. at least it wasn't as haunting anymore. in Jan, during the HK trip with mother poon, i bought like some facial care products from airport duty free. other than coz i was roaming around while mother poon and sis were shopping at DFS, i rmbr how much k1 wanted me to just fcking get some facial care for my face. i resisted much then coz i didnt think it was financially necessary and also probably coz with k1, i was just being defensive by then. but yea, anyway, i got a set of VICHY products. i used it diligently ok. till the end of the year, i'm still using it though not as dilligently coz i just wanna not waste my money. but yea, on the whole, i've probably learnt to practice abit more self-care. after work, i'm washing my hands with more effort, sometimes even using facial wet wipes for my face, and changing my overalls more frequently now. so yea, good job sportspoon.
and then, i tried okc. i actually met up with someone coz the texts really did feel so genuine. k2.
then suddenly, March 2019 felt like the best month in my life for years. it did really feel like i found someone who could love me the way i am while i could love him by being myself. i liked how someone could understand my thoughts while i could appreciate the way he thinks.
well, to cut the story short, the journey was just as unexpectedly short. either he couldn't allow me to know him better, or he didn't like the mess he found in me, he just left just like this.
through those months, it was really a good lesson for me.
feelings are really a fleeting moment.
i dont want to compare, but with k1 and k2, it was just a total refraction (not reflection).
someone can love you and not like the way u are while being honest vs;
someone who can say that he likes you the way you are, apparently appreciates honesty, but chose to leave in the end for whatever the reasons.
whatever it is, from all these brokenness, i've really learnt. k2 did taught me to love myself first b4 anyone could love me / b4 i could love anyone; while k1 just validates the brutality of my existence in the company.
its just doesnt... tally. u say wanna break clean. nothing left and all. then u still ignore me like mad for f. i mean like, i dont expect u to say hello or what but, at work, when he realizes my presence, he just denies my existence. to some extent that i even question myself if i was really there.
through all these lessons, i'm really pushed to move on.
i'm settling with the occasional imu nights. missing all those who walked in and walked out of my lives. but this time, they no longer torment me like how they did in 2018; they're just probably settling in as reminders to not fall into pits like this ever again.
sorry to the friend/guys who are trying to msg gdmrng texts and all. sorry if i'm being defensive and rude by not replying, but i'd need to draw that straight line early and clear. even if it means to lose a friend, it's really also up to u if i'm worth to keep as a friend.
but really, at some point in 2019, probably later in the year in oct/nov, i felt that kind of freedom.
like ever since d left in 2007, i'v really been struggling with myself up till this point. perhaps its also coz of my struggles that ppl who came could not stay, but not saying that i've 'found myself',
i just felt free.
like i could do whatever i like and not feel guilty,
i could wear all my cargo pants and ugly teeshirts,
i could eat and not eat what i like / dun like,
i could spend money on unnecessary things and not feel like i needa payback to something.
lonely? yes, but on such days, usually for brief moments at night, they are just fleeting moments. just like how any guy could love me; the loneliness would't last and the next day, i'm busy again with work/sch/trng.
riding home from the west with class95's lovelifeforum on weekday nights also did validate quite a few perceptions i have in my love life. ahhahs. i kae-kiang go give some comments / "advices" to the topic via class95 whatsapp channel. and wah... john klass read out all my comments so far, and even commented that my opinions are 'good pov', 'well and fair', 'with neutral stands'. hahah. well, #engineering, and really, feelings are all a fleeting emotion that have no tangible claims to it.
so for this yr, i've really decided to make a difference.
really dun wanna go search for love / or like socialmediastalk ppl whom i care about anymore. if impt individuals can stop all connections with u even after having such intense (i assume) emotions with u, then what's really real now?
i can't say i've succeeded in refraining myself from thinking about the what ifs, about the whys and unfortunately still missing all these ppl, also coz they've all cut ties and comms with me, but at least, i'm in a more comfortable place now.
ok. some days i do question my orientation.
but let's not go into there for now coz i dont think it's worth going indepth with thoughts that ties in with insecurities. haha.
ok.
so.
other than all that,
I WENT TO JAPAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg. i didn't think i could go Japan. gc jioed me on a thurs night and on a sunday night, i was on a $495 flight to Fukuoka. even while in Japan, i couldn't believe that i was in Japan. after the trip, i still can't believe i went to Japan.
hahahhaahas. i always wanted to go Japan for many reasons. the mountains, the food, the culture and all. but everytime, $$ is the issue. so i'm glad i went to backpack with gc on this. i can feel the $$$ going out though we're pretty budget on this trip as usual. but every penny is worth and this trip really remind me to WORK MORE for a job that PAYS WELL. so... hmm. let's see what 2020 will bring me.
schwork wise... hmm. like that loh
sem 2 results were good (as seen in the last post), but this leaves me with fight for straight As for the last 3 mods before i can grad with 2nd upper. if i score just 1 A- for any of the 3 mods, I AM GOING TO GRADUATE WITH 3.99 AND I AM GOING TO REGRET FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
its like.. its really not impossible, but its also, just too crazy. its all the programming mods left and this is just going to be really.... interesting.
sports.
let's start with rugby first. as mentioned in previous post, the whole work-sch schedule was also much kinder. i could go trngs, and not miss sch / take leave from work. towards the 2nd half of the year, i could attend trngs and play the leagues as well eh... on top of that, they all didn't affect my grades much. the rugby 10's matches also reminded me that i need to hit the gym more regularly if i wanna make my tackles count or at least survive the next 15s matches. also, been trng with Wolves coz this season, Bucks dun have enough numbers to send a 15s team. :( but, trng has been good! its been a long time since i attend structured and really useful drills. :)
bowling...
wow. i think i'm like.. on form.
hahas. i've been averaging 170 180 without going too lows on my low.
also, i bowled my first 9pin tap game in my life. and the first game was 278! heehee.
also also, i found out that SUSS has a bowling team and we're sending in a team in the next IVP that's in 2 weeks. so i've recently joined in the trng and made the team! uncle michael and aunty geraldine are focusing back on my timing. its something not easy to coach and i'm just thankful that these coaches are taking so much effort to make these changes. there's probably no one shot gone in trng that's unwatched. i feel really blesses and (surprisingly) motivated to improve my game. i mean i've been bowling since 2002. that's like 18 yrs man. for the last... probably 12 yrs, no one really touched on my timing and all. so i'm just glad i'm working towards a change that can improve my game on a whole.
lastly, family.
everything's been well. with mother poon and i, its been ok. the usual. i just hope that she can be as healthy as forever while i try to earn more money to bring her travel and let her eat my money. coz in life, the only person left who loves me alot is mother poon. (other than my reluctant sis. haha).
as for my sis, i just hope that God's grace will continue to be on her side.
"Faith, Hope and Love. the greatest of all is Love". that's a bible verse which i cant rmbr from where (oops. ahahs). i guess sometimes when we're struggling to love, it really because we've forgotten to have faith and hope. Love is simple, and hence, it can be so easily lost. humanly, i dont think we're capable of giving that kind of love that God has for us. hence, there's really other impt ingredients such as commitment, patience, honesty, sincerity, responsibility..... and many many more, other than love, in which we've all placed less importance on.
okok. i dun wanna drag on this post. i'm on morng shift tmr.
2020.
it's probably going to be big year for me.
coz, (if all goes well), I AM GRADUATING.
i am finally going to work (properly, and not like work-study). i can take leaves. i can travel. and i am planning for...... NEPALLLLLLLLL. i really wanna go this year. not sure what's installed for my in my open pursuit. but i just can't wait to just enjoy my job for awhile more, before i decide to choose money over passion.
again, i'm really looking forward to doing so so many things and moving fast again. i really cant wait to finally be myself again ever since 2007? geez. hahas.
COME WHAT MAY BABY.
thank you 2018 again for allowing 2019 to be slightly sweeter and real again.
thank God for not abandoning me and putting me through all these test which You think i can bear. hahhahhas i mean i'm still surviving now aint it so?
i dont expect a perfect life, but i wanna live a life that You'd smile on because, i would be smiling through too. (:
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Wednesday, December 18, 2019
my current result
today i got my results a few hours ago. i actually have
i should be doing my fyp now, but just let me have 30mins of my time bah. hahas
so yes. let's go in order of the transcript.
EAS437 RCM.
its a mod that i aimed for A. but after the paper, i felt like it was a A- possible B+. so seeing a A- to that module code felt very neutral. its like, i want to feel happy, but at the same time, it's always the 'it could have been better'. if u really want to put a feeling to it.. i'd say.... A-.
ENG311 DSP
this one best.
i think i blog about this module before. this is the module that everyone aerospace / electronics student will talk about. other than EAS309 Flight Dynamics and ENG201 Linear Systems, this is probably the 2nd toughest mod. initially, i was aiming for a pass. firstly, its an electronics mod. 2ndly, it alrdy has a notorious ring to it. but as i studied and pushed to overcome my fears, i put in so damn bloodly much effort that the whole 2019 July sem could be summaried as 'ENG311'. each time i studied another subject, i'd somehow come back to this. at some encouraging moments in my revision, i was working towards an A+ bro. i did every single possible qns. i re-did some qns.... i practiced so hard that during the exam, when i first saw the qns, i raised my hand and told the lecturer that he set the qns wrongly. hahahs. before even working it out, i knew that the equation was not solveable. he didn't trust me and told me to read the qns properly. i even replied 'if the eqn is really this, then i think i'm not doing this qns', and then (tried to politely) flipped the qns paper infront of him. ahhahas. 20mins later, he came back to the examination room and informed everyone about the mistake in the qns. that subtly victorious moment. but it wasn't all enough to get an A THOUGH.
i mean after the exam, after the exchange of ans with my friends, i knew i had some calculation error. but that's the prob.. because there were answers to even exchange and talk about, i knew that this sem was a relatively easy paper and it would be harder to be differentiated to get an A.
so after the paper, i sort of knew that to get an A was abit hard. i think my deepest conscience knew that i'm probably riding on an A-, but my ego was telling me that i should be getting an A coz of the freaking amount of effort and dedication i put in. i mean, some of my friends were even asking me how to teach them some qns. i'm mean i'm not bragging coz i dont understand shit, i just knew how to get the ans and pass the exam. ahhahas.
but ok, i do have to admit one subtle credit - you.
b4 entering 2019 Jul sem, i did tell u about my fears in dsp and u told me that i could do it.
no, i didn't really have that level of belief to work hard just bc u told me that i could do it. but i rmbr u telling me that dsp was ur thing. i guess being tripleE, it was also like a language u can really understand. so i guess, a part of me strive to work hard to try and understand what u would understand. i think it was pretty pointless of me to have such a motivation since u dont want me anymore, but i guess it was subtly a gd point coz in my darkest of DSP moments, it was that drive that kept me pressing on for answers to that meaningless ejkn. hahhas. idk. some days i felt hope, but most of the days was just validation that u're no longer within communication range.
so anyways, A-. ok. feels like... my relationship with u. though i wanted an A or even an A+, it was something that i could only own, while it was something that you could give. an A but with a minus to it. HAHAH WTS but ya. literature. metaphor. whatever lameshit.
HFS303 SAFETY, RISK AND RESILLIENCE ENGINEERING.
this one big disappointment. i expected this to get an A. no less. i dont have an excuse for a B+. i had a 3-day gap to study after the previous paper. this is something i'm good in. something that i was actually paid for to do when i was working as a BD. i even conducted some meetings and trngs before. BUT I GOT A B+. and to add on, my grp report (which i tanked this) got the highest in the whole level. so to get a personal grade of B+ was very disappointing. i really needed this to be A coz if not, for next sem's mods, i'd need to ACE all the 3 mods which are mods that not in my comfort zone. idky how, but i do want to 'blame' it on the strict marking. maybe i deserve a A- coz i didn't put in as much as effort as ENG311, but i still studied hard for this coz i knew i had to secure a A. so this B+ really stood out when i saw my result slip today. i probably need a few more days to just accept it, but rn, i just feel like, WHY SIA.
SST102 HUMAN FACTORS AND SYSTEMS DESIGN
ok, this A+, i can generally say that its something i dont deserve given the amount of respect i give to this module. i didn't study much for this module, coz its also something i'm good and so exposed to (at work trngs) also coz everyone say it's an ez mod. the paper was on the day after ENG311 so i only started studying proper the evening before. on the night b4 the paper, my friend and i actually felt like we shouldn't go for the paper. take next sem or smth. coz while studying / doing past yr papers, we realized that there's so much we couldn't do. close book somemore. but an angel sent another classmate to randomly msg me to check out the revision classroom recording. so at about 11pm, i was gg through the revision lecture recording. so at about 1am, i decided to LET'S DO THIS.
slept at about 3am. then started studying again at 9am.... and it also helped that the paper was a 4pm.
i really crammed like mad. and while doing the paper, i really felt so damn good about it. but all that last min studying and cramming really did actually cause a physical headache. i also needed to pee during the exam, so i decided to leave 40mins b4 time's up coz i just wanted to just get over and done with. i did feel confident to leave my answers just as that. i knew that there were only 2 small parts of the big qns that i didnt knew, but other than that, the rest was like... 100%. so after i pee-ed and rested my head awhile, i do feel that an A+ was pretty achievable.
so to see the A+ for this mod, it was also a very mixed feeling.
happy coz it's something i did expect in the end, but feeling abit undeserving coz i didnt put in as much effort and respect as i did with other mods.
okok. 30mins is almost up and i think i shld start working to get my A.
so to try and summarize all these emotions, i'm grateful, slightly, but still feel like just fell short of something that was within my reach in the end. sounds like my r/s with u again. but hahas, it's all the same, u wont get what u want. hahahahs.
ok. i need to get A for this FYP (EAS499).
looking at my project, i feel like its damn damn far fetched, but i think its worth a fighting try.
it's pretty crazy, coz i really cannot afford a single A-, especially when all the remaining mods are programming. not much better than my level of understanding for electronics. a single A- for any of the 3 remaining mod will throw me in a 3.99 situation. only scoring all As will put me in 4.01.
idk how i'm gg to do this, but i think its still abit early to lose hope.
come on, sportspoon. i can do this.
if i can overcome any heartbreaks, i think programming is survivable? HAHA. meh.
ok i dont only need to survive, i need to thrive.
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