thank you, chapter closed.

ok, finally with much subtle prompts, u finally decide to tell me that u believe that we wont work out together.
i guess it finally now all make sense when u say u dont want to go slow as a friends first.

thank u for finally telling me this.
i really needed to hear this from you.

supposed to be writing my report now.
its a sunday night and i'm all alone in sch.
too much emotions rn, i just need to vomit it out.

so it really all make sense now.
i just thought it would be more helpful if u told me this real reason so that i wouldnt live with such hurt in the past 4 months.

the only disappointing thing is that somehow u believe that i didn't think we'd would work out. i really wonder what made u think that way. but if its just a mechanism of u to distant urself from me, then ok, fair enough.
on the contrary, i was really hopeful about us. in fact, i dont think i've ever once doubt us? all the deep convos, the mutual understandings and expectations, the accelerated mutual feelings... not even mentioning about the common activities we do like climbing, riding, somehow photography...
how can they all not mean a thing right?
probably the disappointing thing for u is that i couldn't have enough faith with you. and i guess if nothing progress towards your goal in a way u expect it to be, u'd rather not pursue it at all.

i guess i'm really expecting a longer time frame to get to know you first. but i think its rational coz i wanted to get to know more of you before i can give all of my heart to you (thankful that i didnt).
for me, building a future with a person i know for barely 3 months is out of my league. its not like we really hang out or anything in those short periods of time; we just studied/ did our work alot and ate a couple of no more than 10 proper meals together. i mean like, we didnt even do one of our common activity tgr. and i'm not a confident person unless i really know and am comfortable with the person whom i can trust my heart with. i wished i had more time spent with u, but i guess those times are sufficient for u to assess that i'm not enough for u.

things fell apart the moment u gave up and my heart probably sensed that b4 u even knew it.



the hurt i feel now is still pretty intense.
but right now, i dont know what's love anymore. idk if i'm just being loyal, committed or love someone. all those right feelings, those feelings (i thought) out of love, in the end, they all end up being abandoned, betrayed and insignificant. is it coz i've overestimated love? i've never expected anything in return, but i dont like my sincere heart to be abandoned like that. it always hurts and i dont think i can get used to it. or issit coz there's no such thing as human-to-human love, just commitment? Is wanting a person whom u love v much to love u back just as u are too much to ask for?


but at least now, its validated. at least i know its u've given up.
i know that u didn't love me while this is just another.... part of growing up.

idk what to learn from this episode actually.
to not love? to not even think about commitment? to not be honest about everything? to be tactful?
but one reoccuring lesson that resurfaced is to learn to let go of the things you love.

i'm out.

6 months

wasted time, energy, effort and money.

all that didn't matter seems to matter now.

i'm pretty glad to have finally woken up.

and i dont think i've ever moved on and out from anyone like this.

just a few days and weeks ago, i was still missing you.

but today, its like.. boomz. sudden realization.

so what if u're capable but dont have a heart?

u've got kindness on ur lips but not in ur actions. 

i dont think i'm even disappointed coz u're just way beyond.

i dont deserve you.
not someone who can just walk out and abandon my heart just bc his short term goal's aren't met.

doesn't make sense if u say u like a person, wanna move further but dun wanna spend time as friends to get to know each other first.

u're full of mind games especially when u say u dont. 

double standards.

honest open conversations?

u've never appreciated them. 

i've been so blinded by the good things when they aren't real.

how did i even trust you.

i guess i should be glad that u decided to walk away b4 i could fall deeper.

and i'm glad the defense was worth it

now knowing that u're a person like this.

well, i still wish u well.
that u'd find someone genuine to jump the gun with u, take risks, ride on adventures and with hope and confidence in a future that everything works out well.
i'm just sorry that i cannot have such confidence in a stranger like you.

self-respect

self-respect.

confidence level

decided i should blog again coz today is quite a random significant emotional day.

as noted from the past few months, i was just in a state of abandonment, feeling unwanted, not purposeful, 0 drive. i just laid back and let the waves catch me if i fall, or if not, it doesn't matter anyways.

but today, was talking to this friend. its been really long since i've talked to anyone abt my issues. not bc i dont want to, but just (think that i) dont need / dont have to. somehow, it does feel... 'refreshing' to feel and understand what it means to be lonely again. i used to (and still think) that i can thrive being alone and not feel lonely.  so while talking to her, it seems to be a usual feat that i'd cry as i talk about my issues. since kh left, i've been a cryer. haha. everything seems to trigger. i dont think its unresolved issues, but that brokenness can't seem to be leave. no, i dont want him back at all, in fact, i'm just glad that all along i'm right about him not being.. 'the one' even though when i was with him. its different, and i'm glad he taught / cornered me to love in other ways; though in the process, he screwed my mental state. though there are things that i've been misguided with, but this also throws me onto a platform where i should reassess myself.
i have been trying to do that, but its like a headless chicken trying to find a worm in the haystack.

so then it comes to k.
i talk to her abt him too. hahahhas. all these 'k' boys. tsk. inside, i realize i still do have feelings for him and i'm still quite clear of why i like him. but with the little amount of time spent tgr, i can't be sure / or rather, allow these feelings to develop. u can say that i'm guarded, u can see it as being protective of my heart, but i still think its necessary bc look at what loving with ambiguity leads you to. in my defense, love is patience, love is kind. some ppl may not understand that, some ppl may be looking from a different window, but if at the end of the day, he decides to leave, then its only best that i respect that and stop the pursuit. despite the misunderstandings / reasons and almost accusations that i have with him, there are other bigger problems; yea mostly of which is mine that i may not be aware of, but i guess u do have your level of expectations that i cant meet too.
so what does love have to play in this?

anyway, todays' post is not about being emo.
but she said something that reminded me of who i am.
"wahh. i didn't expect you're like this. i always thought u're confident and u always know what u want kind".
was i? looking back, yea. when things seem fine, i dont think ppl would self praise / acknowledge / appreciate themselves for their merits. in life, its only when it's missing that we'd realize what we've lost or, used to have. my identity.

and so, somehow in that moment while riding back, i did feel abit uplifted. yes, what k told me was right. he was right that i should be trying to fight for myself instead of fighting for him. he didn't want that i was trying to figure out my issues for him, while i didn't know how to get out of that stigma since it was something being programmed in me through my failed r/s. but i guess, k couldn't love me enough to be patient and disregarded the fact that we, or rather, i needed to spend more time with him as friends first to adjust myself. if i'm not worth wait, then ok, move on. i shouldn't be wasting ppl's time also. if all that i've done, wherther for him or for myself irritates and triggers him, then i guess i should focus on being loyal to myself and stop dragging him down in this strained pursuit.
fair enough.

as fundamental as it is, love is both ways,
if its one way, its not worth it. stop making things difficult for others and for urself.
he did tell me that even if i do get rid of my issues and find myself again, i can always text him back. however in saying that, its pretty clear that he can't love me for who i am. but looking at it again, i shouldn't exactly 'blame' him coz at that point in time, i dont know who i am any more. i dont  and can't love a foreign version of myself.

anyway, even if i do eventually get myself back up from the issues, i guess i should start thinking that i still do deserve someone who would be patient and love me for who i am.
in short, quite a pity i should say. but i still hope that u'd still be fighting for world peace despite the turmoils that i've briefly introduced to alongside with ur work and writings.


i feel like i can be happy again.
haha wow, such conviction.
i just need to focus on erm.. graduating, and then travelling, n spending more time with mountains and ppl of other cultures. no i'm not running away this time. but i think i need to start enjoying life abit more again. at this point in time, i feel like life waits for no man to be emo. i've not taken any leave just bc i wanted to (i.e, take leave just to stay at home or go out chill) before. i mean i got take just bc of travelling and all la. but what i'm trying to say is that i wanna get out of this state of being liable to anything or anyone. i dont mean to be irresponsible, but i'm alrdy reaching 30 and i think before i hit that, its a good imaginary line for me to boost my realignment in life after being assured that i'm not a positive person to be with. to rephrase that, i'm not saying that i'm gg to change for anyone but simply put with, i need to start doing things that make me happy. why bother making someone else  happy when its only pain that it brings all over. making someone happy could just be a bonus and not something we should strive to achieve. it should come naturally in the process. it makes everything...'smoother'? i think that is pretty basic.

we overthink.
forgetting to be selfish is one of the positive things that is being clouded by negative connotations.


"cast you cares upon the Lord because He cares for you".
in my teenage years, its just like... "dear Lord, pls help me do well in my exams, pls take away all my fears and anxiety." now as we grow up and get clouded by wanting to be in control of our thoughts and actions, our mind evolves, and we start to analyze and classify them as self-induced problems. then we try to correct it, we try to find our faults. then it gets tangled in unnecessary validations be it internally or externally by ppl around.

but really, cast your cares upon the Lord,
i'm not saying that we heck it, and not look at whatever legit problems that may be there.
but let's just simply the equation all together. the value of x is still the value of x which makes the value of y. no matter how we permutate it or convolute it, in its basic raw form, it is still what it is.
so, its all about trust and faith.

satan was one of the angels that fell and he knows his ways to intercept God's love for us.
faith move mountains.
haha, ok i'm starting to sound Godly and all, but i still do believe that it is only His peace and grace that can carry us through. He's there for us so why do we have to keep not realizing that we're actually turning our backs on him to face all these self-induced struggles.

being strong is probably having the ability to not even having to say that i am strong in adversity. being strong is just adjusting ur sails to ride on the winds, trusting His directions.



ok, with all of that, to simply put it, i hope to love myself more, and show more grace to those around me.  i hope to learn how to trust and hear His voice again instead of trusting in my feelings or analysis and evaluations.
thank you for today,