istruggle

sooo many thoughts and frustrations in my head that i dont know where to begin.

actually, i wanted to blog ytd, but i've secretly made a pact with myself to maintain on the emo blogging. but because ytd i didnt, i guess the everything bottled up, cumulative over the weeks, till i almost exploded today. 

for these past few months in trng, honestly, i really enjoy the time gg to work/ training and all, even if its during the stressful exams and all. coz all in all, its still better than answering emails and having pointless meetings. 

but really, i feel really lonely, as in like, there's no one i can just talk to. as the only girl in a class with a bunch of boys who can be either super sensitive and insensitive at the same time, this week, i find everything bashing me up all over. perhaps its the from the all the added frustrations from the stagnation at work, and many occurrences when i wished that u could still be here coz i realized that not only do i secretly missed watching u work even if its from afar; i've also completely lost a pillar for me to not only rant, but share all my learnings and minor excitement from the daily tasks. 

i've always been able to adapt to people / guys / whatever, but i guess with the added pressure of trying to make this 1 month of OJT to be effective, things tend to fall out of place.

 its quite funny how the guys in my class always tease me of my tom-boyish nature and have made countless reminders for me to behave like a girl. and sometimes, when i really do get irritated by their way of doing things that, in my perfectionist state of mind, may find it abit more sloppish, i tend to react like a girl.... like whine / complain / make noise and all. and clearly, they dont like that. of course no one likes whining part including myself, but clearly, when i really do act like a girl, they dont like it. sensitively insenstive creatures. 

hence, i really dont like trying to understand that side of the species. they always complain that girls are complicated / dont mean what we say / want otherwise from what's verbally said... but actually i think guys are all sensitive creatures with a big ego that forces the whole human culture to believe that guys are the ok ones while women, on the other hand is the problematic ones. its probably because they dont get it, which make the girls 'the problematic ones'. am i making sense?

anyways. i just have to deal with it coz in this industry, i can only expect to meet more of this species. 

tolerance. patience. perseverance.

ok. let give some ... examples situations scenarios..

like ytd, i kept reminding the guys to meet at 820 at canteen then go in together. and when i told them, they told me to shut up and stop reminding coz 'they hear me', 'they get it'. and today, 820, i waited with 1 guy for the rest until its time. there's no one, and since we all dont have our mobile phones with us, it because a 1st world challenge. and so when i asked some of them why weren't they there.. some say they dont know / cannot find / whatever the reason which by then, my ear was selectively not hearing anything alrdy. #bitchmode.

at work, the main only task for these 2 days was to change the escape slides of door 1, 4 & 5. as the escape slide is, as from the AMM, is 97-127kg, it seems that i am condemned. 'u stand aside'. 'u wait there' 'u guys come here'.  that's all i hear when i try to stealthily take a step forward in attempt to help or something.
and because for now, its the 3 of us trainess, i really dont get the hands on experience. my eye power probably trained to level 99 alrdy. ok.. example, to remove the girt bar (some bar underneath the slide), the door as to be in armed position. when it's in this position, it means, the slide is readily deployable it it's being triggered. of course, there are some 'stops' to this from happening; the power is plugged out, the receptable is plugged out, the safety lock pin is in. but yes, historically, slides do get deployed accidentally and not only gets very dangerous since this A380 slide shit operates at 5000psi, its financially very very painful for the company too.
so, while in the armed position, out of courtesy (and partially afraid to get judged), i stepped aside to let the 2 guys remove the girt bar. after all the other processes, when it was time to install the new escape slide by putting back in the girt bar while it being in the armed position, it was also (finally) my turn to try it. just then, the engineer said, err okok. this one dangerous. let the other techs do. ok, i fully understand the dangers and obviously dont want to risk it with my idontevenknowhowtodoit level of skill; but at that moment, i was just frustrated for being kind and nice, coz it wasn't the first time that, in good name of kindness, i let someone try something even though i desperately still want to cherish my supposedly hands on time to gain experience.

to continue whining again, i'm just still v upset that i'm at cabin work.
ok, i try to make the best out of it coz u can really learn from anything.
but since its inspection period, there's really nothing to do coz there's no clearance.
so, cj and i went to the APU side to check it out. yep, there was work to do there. the snr tech wasn't feeling well and he was all ready to allow us to do some minor tasks, but of course with his supervision.  we could almost clock in 4 Work Experience entires from that ok.
and because I HAD THE INTEGRITY, i told cj that we should go back to the cabin to inform our snr tech who was out i/c that we could/want to help out at the APU side. then because of the fear of getting into trouble / not our deployment and all those scaredoftheboss feelings, we had to stay in the cabin and stone. at that point of time, i was just v upset. i mean, i'm at the state where i dont even mind doing area cleaning since we dont even have our phones or things to read. but ok, he being nice, said that he shouldn't be asking us to do area cleaning coz its the job of the aic cleaners (though we needed to clean up abit first b4 they arrive).

and then, we're talking about the shit politics, culture and all the shit. and he said something that 'since we're under this deployment' we had to stick to it. of course, he being nice knew that this inspection period was gg to be lull, he asked for us to go to sheet metal or smth. but he went on explaining that the higher ones up there think its too troublesome thinks that this is the best deployment. when i heard that, i was like.. what.the.shit. what deployment. u know how we're deployed??? because that there when we first arrive at the office, since the cabin snr tech was standing beside the office, he was like... ok, u 2 guys follow him for today. and the 'today' became a whole month thing because everyone assumes so / lazy to change / no need for improvement. why i say improvement because it became clear that other areas / line needed manpower.

and so, because for 8 working days in total, i changed 2 side panel, a few filters and 3 escape slides while the other batch mates in other line are looking at how to fill up the remaining blank entires in their log book, i asked 'the management' of our training academy like.. how were we deployed ? did our division push us over or the respective hangar ppl pulled us over? he said the later.. to elaborate abit further, he said that wherever lacked manpower/ needed manpower, they'll send us there.
clearly, as an ex business development / productivity shit person, this is a no go reason/excuse because it all just goes to show the lack in planning, communication or simply, just the effort.

so, stop complaining the loss of money , the lack of time while are ur actions show no effort to effective make use of time / opportunity for anything or anyone.


last time at the management level, i always see the higher ones pulling our their hair due to manpower issues, and i honestly belived that there's just simply too much tasks to cope. but today, i just see that gap. that so big a gap that they probably refuse to acknowledge it and live in denial. and its not that the company dont have good senior technicians as with some other companies where the bosses are really trying their best to make good of every situation and opportunity.
i dont even one to talk about official / non official / culturally acclaimed breaks.


so today, because of all that, just b4 lunch while giving the engineer to sign the log book while he was like jokingly-with-harmless-sarcasm  said 'busy uh cabin work', i just teared. i totally lacked control of my emotions, but everytime when i'm frustrated and feeling helpless to the situation, i just cry in frustration.
towards the end of the day, while we're (finally) tasked to sort out some air craft parts to tag it since there was some audit gg on on friday. hahad. i was so desperate that though it was supposedly to be a boring job, i was like excited sia. anyway back to the point;  he casually said something like this to me "u must know that as a technician, u're no longer at the management level. its always hard work here, and u need to be humble and let go of ur management thinking because everyone starts low".
ok. i felt SUPER DUPER MISUNDERSTOOD that at that moment, i just felt like swallowing a microphone into my windpipe and explaining myself to him. he thinks that i cried in the morng because of the 'tough life and hard work' as a technician. everything in that statement is just the total opposite. firstly,  its because i wanted to escape from the management level to the extent that i gave up the opportunity to further as a manager that i am here as a trainee today even if it means a huge pay cut. secondly, though i've not worked at hangar long enough to understand the hardwork needed, i'm already embracing every opportunity given since it doesn't come easily when i'm a girl. 3rdly, ok, perhaps i'm not humble because i still have that bit of hope to believe that everyone people with time & tasks responsibilities would probably put that bit of effort to make things mooveeee if u want to see ur profit move up.

already, my heart felt like it was being squeezed out of all the warm blood. all i could manage was to internally scream to myself to shutup shutup shutup shutup shutup before i start saying any wrong things.

u see, as a snr tech over there, let alone a trainee tech, the hierarchical  gap seems to co-related with the monthly-take-home-pay of the respective personnels; meaning, to technicians, engineers are like way above, and probably on another planet.
there's really a big problem with the culture. not that i'm not aware, but i didnt' expect this reality to hit me hard even though i though i've internally digested it after externally working with them for over a year.

and while all of these little minor frustrations tangle up into a big big ball of wires that prick me from all sides, we have other batch mates complaining that work is tough / want to rest / difficult.........
i dont even have any grounds to complain.


and so to summarize, having no one to talk to, no one to hear or understand me, while sustaining the effects of higher level communication breakdown with very minimal drive whilst complain about their reciprocative intangible actions, i find myself...... so screwed. plus the fact that i'm a girl whom, with that undeniable fact, the whole industry subconsciously deem as a burden.
and i dont have you this time round.
it is just 1 month in base maintenance and all i wanted to is to learn, make good use of my time while i can coz there is a chance that we may not be coming back here for OJT anymore. if its at line, i dont really mind coz i've been there many times n know that even if i dont get posted there eventually when i pass out, i'll find all ways and means to get there. hence, i really wanted to explore more of the a&c works in base coz this is the place where u get to see many things u dont get to see in line maintenance; it's really equip me if i do eventually land up in line maint. that probably explains all the eagerness and zest.



perhaps, the bane of it all is just my intention.
as a trainee, perhaps, i've stepped in with a wrong mentality.
(not saying this because i'm angry or what now but...) after much though, perhaps i am just overly enthusiastic / eager to learn.  perhaps i just needed to walk in with no hope, no dreams, no aspirations, no drive, no expectations, no goals. in that, there's really no room for failure coz there is no base line to begin with. instead of searching for work to do and seemingly to hinder other ppl work even if its just wanting to eye power the tasks, i should just sit back and chill. that way, its easier on my heart and emotions.


actually as of now, during almost all the break times, i'm trying to compile the AMM. as in, im trying to extract all the useful descriptions of the respective systems. and ahhas, just by typing out the skeleton of the content page (and with the 1st level sub sections), it has taken me about 7 days, at about 35 pages long and still counting. havent even reach the part of the content yea. just typing out the skeleton so its easier to keep track and be organized. not sure if its too ambitious. ahhas, but i guess with such a time schedule, i think i can make good progress. that should probably be my main goal though it was secretly/indirectly mean to have less hands on base maintenance.

but ok, as mentioned before, the only saving grace is that i have good senior techs and tech supervisor.

lastly, just want to say that perhaps, as humans we are all inbuilt with that instinct to fight for ourselves even if we're supposedly kind in nature. when it comes to achieving something for themselves, i guess people change. that's when as friends, we perhaps need to start thinking for ourselves. it may seem an ironic statement, but i guess that's how it is to survive; an inevitable viscous cycle. abit disappointing, but i guess i have to remind myself that we're all humans, and i should stop having expectations.
i've once told myself and some my closer guys the solution to this stagnantation (while others are busily clocking in their SOEs) is to not compare, then we wont complain.
on the other hand, the random talk by the management of our side has told us to compete to achieve more. to me, everything doesn't add up. how to compete when we dont wanna compare? do our best and not care about the rest? how much is much? i always believe that everything is relative so, this does not work bro.


ok. so ytd i went to gym and gave myself a hard session that my whole body was sore today. coz probably coz of the fact that i  haven't been gymming luh. so today, i went for a swim because james wasn't free to climb. with all that physical, mental and emotional soreness, the swimming session became a good one though i didn't clock in alot of laps. after i bathe and all, it just felt that my whole body was more relaxed. it felt good and refreshing though swimming is not one of my favs.

ok. i  should stop whining.
usually before i blog, i would mentally draft out / segment my post so it would flow and be more organized. however, for this post, is just everything whack. no plan. so, i guess this is very boring and irritatingly messy. haha. also, i would usually proofread back the post to check to some grammar / sentence structure errors coz sometimes in my excitement to vomit all my angsty-ness, some sentenances may seem hard to read or dont make sense at all with a spelling errors (correct spelling but wrong word), missing full stop or abrupt  end to the sentence.
if u have made it by reading everything line by line, congrats and i really thank you from the bottom of my heart for hearing me. but i just need to apologise for wasting ur time. hah.

because only #boeingpoon can fit in here. 

ok. better sleep soon.
missing you everyday. but i will need to stop this nonsense.