Crashed

Today, its as if I got hit yet again.

Maybe dreams are just meant to be a challenging process. They're meant to fail and then, supposedly build u up from there.

I guess I needa learn to let go of my 3rd dream.
Ive learnt to move on from my 1st and 2nd. Where can I go now?

Cant go up.
Cant go down.

Am I supposed to adapt and settle now?
I'm starting to doubt my intentions or what i really want. Looking at it now, what do I really like? I cant help feeling very useless, very redundant and v hopeless.

Maybe if I was taller, I could have been saving more live now?
Maybe if I didnt let my dad's death affect my grades, I could have been a doctor?
Or maybe I'm just giving a shitload of excuses.

I feel really stupid and useless and like I need to wallow up in self-pity just to feel comforted.
Mother poon's absence from the house is slowly eating me away.
In work, I dont have anyone to talk to.
In trng, I dont have the time to talk to anyone.
At home, I open the door to silence.
There used to be mother poon, my sis, and my dad. The tv noise...sister poon in the hall... mother poon's cooking smell and noises... while dad is all geared up in his handsome uniform with heaploads of cologne (probably to mask the hydraulic fluid smell) preparing for his night shift.
Then it dropped to just the 3 of us. And then there was 2.
And look now, its all empty now and I'm really feeling it bad.
This is what I call the deafening silence that kills.

Its not just abt being lonely u know. Its having no life at all.

I dont even want to talk abt the relationship probs in life coz I feel undeserving and its not worth it for those around me.

My only 2 friends now are my Mac and Cheese whom have grown so big now. They've been with me for over a year now. I wanna buy a bigger place for them but I dun have the $$ and the space.

Whatever

And to add on, I miss boon tong. I miss the villagers. I miss the 2 wks of that kind of life. No, its not all holiday mood, but is just simplicity and joy. Its funny how I'm trying so hard to adapt back to my own world of reality. So much revenue for what when the company is not happy. So much money for what.

Its probably the girl-mode time of the month again. But its killing me.

I guess tmr morng is a new day. Well, it is.
The probs wont go, u wont get what u want or what u expect, but I can hope to feel better for the sun is really my warmth and friend.
If the dark clouds dutifully come tmr, 'come what may' then.

I'm just very sad right now.