Back and forth

In my life of meetings, i dont rmbr having 7 meetings. Probably miscounted, but whatever.

Just got home. The last meeting is not work related, but still a proper meeting abt the final quarter expenditure and next yr budget.

I would really like a monday public hol now.
Soclosebutyetsofar.

Today while driving down pass seletar airport on e expressway, I turned my head up to the sky as I heard the familar sounds of a roaring jet engine.
As I looked upon the final sun setting blue sky, I saw the 4 pretty red and green lights of the base of a business jet plane. As it wasnt the usual belly of the commerical jets, the difference gave a off-tangent feeling, somewhat a refreshing sense to my almost gonna be montonous work life.

Against the dark backdrop, those flashing lights were prominent, giving some form of glimmering hope. Ok. It sounds very literature-ish, but pretty.

Still hoping to chill out by the breakwaters one day just to watch planes fly by and make their descend. Still wanting to watch fireflies. Still subconsciously having that habitual hope while I make my final turn home.

Been feeling inadequate and lousy.
Still not getting used to the job.
Not getting used to.... whatever.

HELLOWEEEN

hello!



kinda like this photo the way it is
interesting wkend.

the WTL touch league ended last sat.
had a good last game.

and my sis and her husband bought me a new bag from her holiday trip to aussie. :D
i've got something simliar, but all bags are <3 .="" p="">

in the evening, went to USS Halloween Night! not a big fan of Halloween coz i dont see the point, but since eveleen jio-ed and plan, just go and have some fun with the friends man. at the rate i'm going at work, i need a social life and practice work-life balance.

.

and so, here's the group.. 

it was likka 4 couple date night.... felt abit out-of-place-cum-awkward coz they all had their other half with them. so dickson had to be my 4 hr stand-in bf. hahas. 

good effort to the additional lightings and smoke. i know the smoke thing is not cheap.

looking abit like MBS. (the lighting)

i think she's damn chio.

probably some walt disney princess by day, and a witch by night.

i think in USS context, she's probably the girl from Shriek or something. we stopped and looked at her for quite awhile coz no matter how evil she tried to look, still chio.

and i think the main highlight of the night was the Haunted house - the 2hr queue up for it. 

before that, thanks to my wide circle of friends, saw a friend working at the Transformer station, so instead of waiting for 50mins, she let the 8 of us into the express queue! (: so it was like less than 5 mins waiting time. 

but this one,..... i think the looong wait really killed us. so we're like spamming photos and stuff.

hahas. by the time we're about to go in, we were like... ok.. feeling abit tired to render a response from all the scares. ahhas Jay was like saying to "eh, when we see the zombie, tell it to scare us 1 more time to make our money and time's worth". ahahs. 

but oook la.

it wasn't that scary because of the crowd. the screamings of the girls from the front group probably preempted us of where the 'sudden pop-ups' are going to be. 

you know, i'm damn scared of scary movies, but when it comes to this haunted house, its really ok only. not that i'm brave, but i think my analytical mind takes control when i'm probably in a fight or flight mode. the whole year of engineering study probably also tweeked my mind into becoming more objectively analytical with my surroundings. ahhas. while in the house, i was like analyzing all the deco, the possible blindspots to scare ppl,  the atmospheric effect and all. on top of that, during the HK study trip i went in my poly days, Ocean Park mgmt revealed to us the set-up of their haunted house in daylight. basically, when they switched on the lights, switched off the music and minus all the smoke and fake dead people, it just seemed like dirty walls with cotton wools, threads (to be like spiderwebs), some red paint here and there and yea, that's about it. but when all the effects start to gel up in place, whooots. it was a bigggg difference. ahhas. that Marketing study trip was to highlight how our senses can be deceived.

anyway, another reason why i was in my analytical mode is because i dont have like a boyfriend to be in my scared mode. ok, that sounds childish, but hear me out first!

in all honesty, i believe girls can be mentally strong if they really want to when it comes to reality. its just that we probably have the rights, being cultivated by the society and the media to just be vulnerable and fit the socially-percieved 'right' norms. maybe 'rights' is a wrong noun to use, but its more like... the 'just-because-s'. i do believe that if i had a boy whom i'm willing to spend my life with beside me in that situation, i would be lazy in my thoughts and just live.in.the.moment and enjoy the fact that i can be loved and protected. true that? i mean, i'm saying this in context that we all know that the haunted house in USS is man-made for entertainment purposes. we go in for the thrill and fun of it.... its either with the presence of ego or the absence of ego that we take a stand in the reaction that we want to be compelled to.

i mean like, i can do it in such context. but when watching man-made horrow shows, that's a totally different ball game uh. but i hope i'm making sense to whatever i'm trying to say! hahas.

but yes, my fear still stands as being unable to be alone in a dark room.

i think i can be brave in a darkroom with anyone, and i can be alone in a lited room (ok, this one not too sure actually), but not when the 2 negative atmospheric conditions occur together. so USS was like crowded, so really.. there's no way that u can die or smth.

anyway, didn't manage to take more photos of the haunted house because of the poor lighting and all. but good job and effort. i like the last part when its all mirrors in about 45 dec adjacent with each other. coz i keep bumping into the mirrors. M9 Human Factor teaches us about the photoreceptors in our eyes.. the rods and cones. so in the dark, it was quite obvious that the rods in my eyes are not as good now as compared to the days when i was like 6 or 7, playing catching in the dark.  

ok, and so, is spent $18 on a cup.

hahas. interesting cups and bags are really my weakness. hahas.

and so, my usual busy sunday.
... the usual sunday rain, as if on a planned schedule. muddy and sore from ytd's games...
ending off with sam's damien's 1st bday!
so fast its been 1 year. another of my fav couple. known the both of them since i was 15.
long way more to go for theem.


lastly,
interesting topic during the youth service today. though it was at a very basic level, i guess also because of it's basic level, it really reminded me alot of the commitments and promises i've made to myself when i was younger. promised to keep for myself and to wait. somehow along the way, it seemed so difficult to keep all these promises in check. but after today's sharing, it was like all clear answers to my struggles and difficulty.
i probably want to share with you but i guess you wouldn't want to listen from my perspective. there's just too many daily stuff that i want to share with you, but lets all continue to think that this is the best way out so far. still been thinking. but if its just going to be this way, i guess it can't get any worse or any better. anyway, whatever it is, i'm glad i'm taking more courage to face my fears. somehow, i feel myself becoming more and more objective because of this difficult phase.
i just hope that after this year, i can really let all these go. really. may this be a lesson learnt.
i'lll take it one step at a time. and if caring of someone brings too much hurt to oneself, then i guess its really best to be selfish and start thinking for oneself.






whokay. time to sleep.
i'm probably doomed tmr, coz i'm still working on this plan and its been 2 weeks. i shouldn't be testing his patience like that right. hope i'll be brilliant at work tomorrow and finish up this plan to do my exciting wkend some justice.

hollow

the nights seems to get deeper.


just saw some HAECO vehs in part 2 of the hk aviation show.

and today's episode for the part 1 version one discussed abt certain life issues that i can empathize with.


there's really lotsa choices we make in life.
we cant really be sure if its the right one until we deal with it.


suddenly, ok, not suddenly,
but it just feels that my compass can't find its magnetic north.

almost every day before i make that one last right turn in my carpark, i see myself making that subtle immediate wish. even though its a small thought, but i think its too much to ask.



sigh.



but i dare not wish for anything anymore.
i dont deserve anything.

Cant believe that I just broke down again because of work. Thats like tne 2nd time in my less than 5 months of service.  I dont rmbr being so frequently in such a state over similar issues. If ll these probs are reoccuring probs, this is going nowhere and very upset that people just cannot start thinking.

I got it wrong.

OMG. IM BLOGGING NOW COZ IM DAMN ANGRY WITH MYSELF.

because in a 5 work day week, ive got 2 meetings after office hours. And these 2 days just nice fall on my 2 trng days.

Today, as im supposed to be on a field now, im at e location of e meetingm BUT TODAYS MEETING IS NEXT WK. Hence, ive not only missed todays trng, I'm also gonna be missing next tues one. UGH. The feeling sucks coz ive still got heaploads of work not completed yet and ive wasted travelling time, not to mention the petrol and all. So much for the rush and all. On top of that, ive also pushed another meeting because of 'todays' meeting.

So can u imagine the backloggg that I'm gg to be facing when time is supposed to be of essence.

Ok. Sitting on my bike and brooding over lost time now, I cant help feeling stupid and useless.

Sometimes we plan so much; so what if we've got an awesome plan but I fail terribly at the execution.. thats what Im feeling now and I feel like burrying myself im quicksand.

Just like relationships. So what if theres a good bgr gg on but in the end, u fail terribly at e marriage. What does it all amounts up to? No ones gonna pick up e pieces for u but ur ownself with ur scarred bare hands.

Told mother poon to not cook dinner tonight. guess im so frustrated with myself now that im gg to starve myself till tmr morng. Take it as a punishment, self inflicted torment or whatsoeva.

Hate it that im in this position now.
Hate.it.

UGHHHHHH.

flight

i want to go abroad.

not that i can't leave the things behind,
in fact, i just want to leave everything behind.


anyway, been trng in the rain for these 2 days.
beginning of trng, skies were pretty clear, but midway, it poured and we trained till the first lightning.
was quite therapeutic actually. would have been more epic if we're doing contact drills or those military crawls for fitness, but glad we're just running the drills and not so much ground work.


be quite usual acutally.


at church ytd, we're looking through at some of the old vids for references. and then, i saw him in the vid. its been awhile. he's been a pillar for the youth and all the other stuff, and i guess the team really miss him this yr.
then, aunty chris suddenly asked me about him. it was quite an interesting convo... talked about my past r/s with the boy.
apparently, mother poon told her that it was i who 'broke his heart'. at first i was like huh? coz its more like the other way round right. but then i rmrb, yea, had to tell her that coz i didn't want mother poon to be sad for me right.its not really an ego thing la.
then aunty chris went on to say that his mum also told her that i was the one who broke his heart. i was like... wah. whr's all this coming from man.

whatever that its, it doesn't matter anymore right.
shouldn't be dwelling much in this space.



today's the first episode of the hk aviation show.
quite a 24/7 aviation day for me. 8am - 9pm work.then came home to the show. then 10.30pm till 12am is the part1 version of the show.



u know, so close yet so far.



i'm dealing with so many aviation stuff, but not exactly with my first love - the aircrafts itself.
quite frustrating to an extend coz i dont have much time left.
idk if i'm wasting my time. i'm learning alot about the industry and how the whole thing really works, but i'm getting further away from how the actual plane works.


anyways. trng for the season is beginning to heat up.
work as usual, is mountain high.
been getting busier in church.

i guess that's how it's all suppose to be; back at my old life.
litle time to do own things.
little time to think.
little time to let my mind wander.


sighz.

Lastly, let me take a last look at daddy poon all smilely and in his uniform before I sleep tonight. #boeingpoon

My Aviation Day

had a great day today.

its been long since i've felt so good about the day and i just want to thank God for today.

went to work as usual. 

the usual meetings. 

and then went up the A380 today to do some stuff, 

and soon enough, it was like 12pm alrdy. ate homepacked lunch in the office and proceeded on with my half day leave.

it was ATTC Grad day, in conjunction with the MOU signing for the sch and Jet Aviation.

Didn't know my boss was also invited by ATTC ! aiya! so i shouldn't have taken half day leave but to just attach to him like the usual out of office business trips. ahhas. 

so yep, it was nice for him to be there and witness my grad. he helped me take photos too! (:

and so, MOU signing with Jet Aviation for a the LAE programme for their business jets.

i guess that's really the way for go if the sch wants to build its reputation and elevate its platform in the aviation industry. honestly, targeting the commercial lines would be too competitively demanding with big players like siaec's trng academy and so on. 

i still think the sch wants to go into the commercial planes since its meets the mass market, but i guess small steps first. hahas. but according to the guy from Jet Aviation who gave the speech, it seems like their proposition was smth like "since the sch was just a street across". ahhahahahhs. so yep. oh wells, lets just be positive and say a sincere congrats to a good start (to attc) finally.

anyways, i got Top Student for my Diploma! 

ok, honestly i dont think i'm the best but, i'm not shocked, but just surprised coz it's has always been between Roxas and I. hahah. i asked the registra lady how close were we and she said like reeeeeeal close. ahhas. so... yay! haha.

but it was a nice feeling to look at the pretty plane coz earlier in the morng, i was in an A380 and now, i've got one in my hands. hahas. :D and and, its made of metal (not those cheapo plastics). my sch's always rich, just that i think they need to think harder on how to effectively spend the money. (i secretly think that they are making much more than my company, it terms of financial ratio and stuff like that)

(:

so only the top 2 students from my cohort got this. and the rest were for the FD students.

i just find it weird because verbally, i'm called "Best student of Specialist Dip..." while Roxas' one was like "grad with merit" which sounds more officially correct right.

anyway, it was just stupid la. coz there's nothing that documented our achievement besides this uhm... trophy/award. and was quite sad that the transcript had no grade/ marks or whatsoeva. the trophy could have wrote it in a better way, so somewhat on the cert or an additional cert or smth right! or if all else fails, i dont mind MONETARY returns! hahas.

so no matter how hard i studied, or how well i did, it really didn't matter in the end.  (-_-)

my boss was damn nice. upon congratulating me, he looked at my cert and then my award, and then went straight to the VP to justify my unspoken point. he requested for students to be awarded accordingly, at least a cert to justify their achievement to help with the industry / commercial demands.

and yea, quite sad coz out of the whole class, only 3 of us.

i think about 20% still got some more papers to clear, 30% are currently working in  Rolls Royce/ JAMCO and couldn't take off from their training phase, and probably about 30% more couldn't be bothered i guess! hahas. but its true la, its nothing much to be proud of anyway. 

yea. and since it was the MOU signing, there were ppl from the industry. so it was networking time. (-_-) did what i was supposed to do.. exchanged name cards, talked about the industry, blah blah blah.

so not my kind of thing. but suck it up.

ahhas. and after that, went down to BAC for a meeting with my boss and the client. ahhas. see! i totally wasted my half-day leave since i was still doing work stuff in my half day leave! but it was nice. i really like working with this client coz they're really nice to work with and very helpful. some times its not just all about pushing for revenues, but to genuinely help.each.other.out just to get the services in the plane going on and fast. 

 and a nice sunset to award myself.

rushed down to trng.
then after trng, quickly met up with the classmates, all because Roxas actually took a cathay pacific plane down just for this grad and it was also shiek's bday!

 ok yep. so that was my day. pretty good i must say.
both my class mates brought their parents down for the grad. looking back, i think i could have brought mother poon down coz i know that she's going to be more proud of me (vs my marketing degree) because for this, besides the point that i topped the diploma, but it was an aviation achievement. and to her, i guess it was a bigger thing that my official, proper degree because she knows that my dad would be damn proud of his daughter.

yea, when i brought home to show her the stuff, she was like damn happy, waving the award infront of my dad's monotonish and boring death photo.... and even talking to him. but it was nice to know that both my parents are proud of me. yea, and if i brought mother poon down, i guess my dad excollegues would sing praises of me and then make her happy. ok wait, again, i'm not bhb, but just thankful that people recognizes my efforts and passion... for the planes though. i guess the whole marketing /business thing is really just a scam cum smokescreen. hahas.


anyways. speaking of which, i'm finally confirmed staff on black and white and  with a justifiable pay rise. like f.i.n.a.l.l.y. after all the weeks and months of whinning and complaining and trying to be tactful about it.
though its still somewhat lower than my friends with an ITE / Poly cert, i guess i am  and should be thankful. dont compare.
along with the pay rise is a promotion. so now i'm called a Business Development Executive.
in this industry, it seems likka relatively upz position right. but in the business industry, everyone is considered an executive. everyone is a manager. so having a degree / being a manager is just very common.. somewhat like the status of an engineer in the industry.
really like in this aviation industry, if u're a manager, u've probably like upz upz there man.
but seriously, all these titles dont really matter if u're already doing the business.
as how life is, those with the title may not be able to produce the results, where those with the not so nice title who gets the shitty pay, produces all the results and then someone elses gets the credit. i'm just glad and thankful that my dept ppl are all politically unhurtful ppl. meaning i'm confident that they won't backstab be in the back.hahas. saying that, if they're really those backstabbers, they must be damn good at it for me to detect nothing. ahhas. not la. but they really take good care of me.



yea. so i just want to thank God for these 2 days.
of course, its not all that perfect. during the grad, something unfortunate happened in the operation side under my care. was quite disappointed coz i couldn't tackle the situation in time by intercepting the emails of going down to salvage the operation and stuff like that. but glad its more or less cleared out, but i believe i'm gonna be slaughtered.




anyways.
i really wanted to share my joys with you, coz i know u'd be proud of me since its what u always say to me. then again, this time i wasn't too sure actually.
you might not even care if i did well or not, and then continue to say other stuff to hurt me and then justify it by saying u dont want to.
but i guess after this time round, i just felt it. i felt that it was more.......determined... from both sides to just end it once and for all. its not w/o the struggles and chains still firmly attached.
of course, needless to say i'm damn sad to have lost a good aviation friend whom can really share my aviation ups and downs with. but if that alone is not enough to keep the friendship going, minus all those complicated tangled messed up wires, lets just keep our distance forever.
just to tell you, i'm just damn upset, but at the same time, i felt that inert sense of relief - like as if a weight has been off my shoulders. idk if u're feeling the same way or finally reached a point where nothing matter to you, but pls, no more long messages / explanations from you when u know its going to be a repeat of everything over and over again; instead of making a change. ok, i'm not demanding a change from u coz thats being unreasonable, but i would really appreciate that u'd be calibrated since i've already tried too hard. idk how else i can put it across to you but to tell u that though i miss you, i really cannot be hurt any more. i cannot take it. so when i said 'thank you for making it easier' when u wanted to end it with ur usual hurtful but yes, in ur truthful self, i really meant it.
anyway, just stay safe alright. period.





ugh.
so yes. just glad that all the positivity of these 2 days was able to blanket the mess.
and on a personal note, for some reason, i'm just secretly very glad that my boss was there during to witness my grad and feel proud of me since mother poon wasn't around. at this point of time, its not about him become my boss and all, but it really felt like a fatherly figure to me. no one can replace my father poon, but i want to thank God for blessing me with fantastic collegues who really loooks after me and guide me. its not just about the business, but also looking out for my career progression and life lessons to learn.




ok, i'll still be seeking out other routes for me to get to my aspirations, but at the same time, i will have to learn to be patience, to really bit the bullet and press on with what i'm supposed to do.

killed

somehow somewhat i felt like i've been killed last week.


its more like all the workload.
well, not exactly the workload, but all the personal inadequacies i feel that may impact not just myself, but everyone involved, past, present, future.


in life, i always believe for a top management to be successful, one has to really be in it to know it. most of the stuff that i'm doing, i just feel so.... limited.
ppl tell me its ok, but i think its not.
ok, dont wanna talk about it.


but honestly, i dont mind getting a lower paid job and enjoy what i do.
my pay currently now is not high anyways. though i'm able to contribute and probably see some positive changes since my existence, i just feel that i'm giving too much. i dun think i meant about the practical amount of work and stuff like that, but more so, the misalignments of many factors that gives me that weight to start feeling that drag to work . of course, monetary benefits in return for all the effort should be justifiable. i mean, money is not everything.. but if my job is aligned with my goals / life principles or at least, satisfy my thirst and knowledge for aviation wrt commercial planes directly i can proudly say 'i dont mind'; even to an extent that if i was to work for free (for a short period of time of course, since this is not financially viable and not sustainable) i reallly, dont.mind.

now, the main crux is all about revenues and cost.
bleah.


ok. that's an undeniable #factoflife in this ever so competitive world right.
but can i NOT make that officially as my work goal??
i'm really not made for this. reallyyyy.



i can be it for a while. a short while that is.
but its gonna be almost 5 months and i'm feeling that.... dryness of it.
if i'm paid like alot of money, ok, i gotta suck it up.
k. i really feel likka money grubber now, but i still got my materialistic wants to satisfy. been saving up for my bike for the longest time, but somehow, priorities come along that piggy bank for that is just not growing. i dun even dare talk about my camera stuff which is not a want but a need/ requirement for my freelancing. hahas, and in reality, these freelancing jobs do give me more personal revenue that what my main job is providing me with now. even as a mac rider or delivering popeyes chicken, i think i can earn more. hahas.


ok. i hate myself to be in this complainy and whiny mode now.



i just know that last thurs and fri was really likka reality check for me.
i was super duper unproductive. though there are tons of time pressure on me, i just couldnt get the drive to do work.

ok, its probably because of the accident that happened in the other relative company as well.
its on the news.
basically the docking fell and the tech passed away the next day, leaving behind his wife and 2 young kids..


i felt the impact.


though i dont know the technician personally, but its a reality hit - it can be anyone.


last time when i was a kid, my dad use to tell me stories about his colleges 'falling off the plane' (ok wait, as a person working with planes now, i'm probably sure my dad didn't meant literally falling off planes but off high platforms and stuff like that. ahhas).. he did mention to be about all those serious accidents and even deaths. he too fell off some high platform on a rainy day and broke his shoulder.
when i heard those stories, my reaction then was like... 'ok lor. sad story'.
but now when i'm actually in the scene, i really do feel it.
maybe because i'm older now, i do understand the whole breadwinner thing and all... but looking at operations being ceased, additional vehicles moving in the area, more people flying down for investigation and so on, i literally see the extension of 1 accident.

in the news, to the mass public, its just another case of workplace accident.
but to all employees and staff, colleagues and friends, it really meant more than just-1-accident.
as a business person, you'd think of the financial damages, the time wasted, the manhours loss, the delays, the implications, the revenues, the costs... everything. and its pretty scary to some extent.


but when i was informed of the news officially on thurs morng, my heart wasn't at my primary work but just thinking about all the safety stuff and how can i, as an employee of my company with a significant amount of autonomy to make a change and difference in the culture of mundane workers, so that safety really becomes the priority.
its human nature that we all react only with a situation that affects us first, rather than taking precautionary measures to start preventing all the mishaps. we can only do so much w/o the stimulus, but when it really happens, its only then we realllyyy start making those detailed changes and implementations.


human nature.
it really kills us sometimes.


yea, we can try and even try harder. but just like all plane crashes and accidents, its only through these investigations and #lessonslearnt that we can start making safer implementations and improvements.
all these with a huge cost.

to side track abit, was watching Air Crash Investigation on youtube about MI Flight 185, singaporean pilot, and many singaporean pax who perished. i think the ntsb / ntsc couldn't really have a confident conclusive answer to exactly if it was a pilot suicide or mechanical malfunction.
personally, just based on the show, i think its just a floorplan for all kinds of permutations since nothing can really be linked. its another case of right place right time for the right kinds of conclusive statements.... all up to one's perspective and baseless arguments.


but the 737's history of its PCU (power control unit) of the rudder system probably doesn't have a very clean history, so its reallly had to say and very sad to say that a structure of about the size of a softdrink can cause the deaths of hundreds of people. its skeptical but its a primary fact.




so anyways, just sad.
but should be happier coz Tues is a PUBLIC HOL, but that would mean a super busy monday and wed, thurs, and then fri, and TGIF again - 1 wk down. hahas.
sad that i'm counting my days like that.



ok. all in all, life hasn't been good for the longest time.
ytd, watched 'Rush' during the attc classmates gathering. ahhas. its always a funny make up of the gathering. but nonetheless, though everyone is full of nonsense, its just nice to hang out with people who can't really hurt u. i mean if they do, it can't be that extensive anyway.

anyways, the show was unexpectedly good. we didn't know what to watch coz 'Gravity' tickets were sold out... so we just anyhow picked a movie.
it's actually a movie based on a true story... about F1 drivers. (kinda tired to type out even the summary of the story..) basically, its about 2 arch-rival drivers, 1 very flamboyant who leads a very upz lifestyle, the other takes on a more disciplined and engineering approach to cars and life.
anyway, the phrase that i got out from the move its what the engineering driver said...

"Happiness is the enemy.... because when you're happy, you have something to lose".

while he shared that with his wife, his wife responded something like "if you agree with it, then you've already lost"

immediately, it that moment, i felt that i started reflecting about my life for a while, but hurriedly mentally clicked the esc button to continue watching the movie.

thats how some of us are right.... so afraid to be blessed with the good things, for when there are good things, there will be the bad side. we accidentally live by our 'sinusoidal curve' philosophy, crafted out by our daily actions and reactions in which we call it the 'life experiences'.
if all these life experiences starts drawing up walls, fences, and pre-cautionary contingency plans to protect ourselves. how then can we expect ourselves to start living our lives to the fullest? on the contrary, if we dont have such protection plans, how can we prevent ourselves from the hurt.
and then it becomes another case of the chicken or the egg first.


when i was younger, maybe cause i knew less, i knew how to be free and live life out to the fullest.
now, everything's not without a worry.
its sad, but true and unavoidable.
then we fall into that pit hole of being boring, mundane and.... 'safe'.
so how.
that's where my life is now.
i should be abit relieved to say that i'm slowly climbing out of that once pre-set philosophy, but the residual stains are hard to be cleaned off.


and with all these icantletgo issues, it's really starting to bother me ALOT.
esp when i'm having the time of the month when i can blame it all one the female hormones, it becomes a struggle.
and it because worse when i'm having problems and struggles that should not be in my capacity. these are more like the 'red rules' in my heart. i shouldn't even be in this area. so basically, instead of struggling because of the main issue, i'm struggling also because its an issue that shouldn't be an issue to begin with.
am i making sense?

Solipsism. 

ugh. at this rate, i'm starting to complicate life and disrupt all those around me if i choose to be negative about it and fail to put back on my positive cheeful sportspoon facade. ok la, some credit, one can be truely happy if one wants to righttt.
but yea, was just scrolling through my twitter ytd, and i realize i've horribly changed so much over these few months. ever since i've privatized it for it to be an outlet to not think and just post up all my immediate frustrations and negativity, looking back, its really..... sadly alarming.
but in positive light, at least its clear of how wrongly wired i can be.




anyways. its monday tmr.

And my back is aching mad. ):
good night world.
gonna take u on with my swag.

almostted

today i was really a looonggg day.

was super duper restless. and i think of all the days, today's the most unproductive.

its been almost 5 months.... 

i almost can't rmbr what happened.

i just want to fly away. 

not to flee, but i need an aerial view to the better things in life.

Succumference.

Circumstances

Circumferences

Succumb.

I picture myself in a circle, bounded by the circumference of the circumstances in which i succumb. 

succumference.

i picture myself in the circle, struggling to get out; to push through the boundaries. 

how i may do so is to only grow more resilient each day by all the inner stresses and pressures that collide with each other, just like how molecules are in a fixed solid;

once given the heat and the energy, the bonds are broken to go free and far and eventually, evaporate into the vast impossibilities. 

i picture myself in a circle, fenced up by my own set of defenses, repelling off whatever come what may. good or bad.

nothing can penetrate in untill i am able to fend off the daily battles i face each moment in my own circle; 

exhausting all my resources, deceiving myself that in my own little circle, i am defended and sustainable.

i picture myself in a circle, unwillingly and unconsciously succumbing to all the inferences within, having lost my compass to determine its direction, aimlessly and directionlessly.

succumferencing to the motionless apparent list of instructions in which it serves no purpose for growth and improvement, i continue to drift into the abyss of no return.

i picture myself in a circle, dark and black covered in thick petroleum, high in viscosity. 

in its properties, viciously engulfing whatever that come what may, defying all probabilities of light and fire; even threatening to disintegrate that one last lighted firefly.

i picture myself in a circle, trying to keep my head above the water, setting my eyes onto that little bug.

that little spark in the darkest of night, appearing like a shimmering crystal; 

in which is an anchor of faith, hope and perseverance for what's coming ahead.

i picture myself in a circle, secluded, alone and deserving no mercy because of the walls that have been build.

these hard walls coated with poison and barbed wire, letting no one in, and no one out; 

desperately seeking a key, an antidote or even rope that i hold on to while i fight the pain if i do make it out. 

i picture myself in a circle, still in this circle after all these yrs. 

encircling routes.

tightening knots.

enclosing space.

digging to my own little grave.

soon to close up on myself, i take one last look of all that's around.

nothing's that's really worth, nothing that i deserve, one last look before i close my heavy eyelids to shut everything out.

september has long ended and i still haven been woken up.

What's your measurement?

what's your circumference today. 

for i have cruelly put a slit through the middle of the diameter, separating its unity to 2 separate radius. still the same, but never really same however still magically adding up to its circumference in which i have been succumbed. 

BRFC BOOT CAMP

(:

Its been tooooo long since i've gone out to playyyyyyy.

BRFC BOOT CAMP.

its an annual camp done before before the 15s Season begins. usually about 1 month before the season begins, but this time, we're doing it just before pre-season trng.

and so... its been loooong since i'm on an adventure. so hence, it was v exciting.

most of the time, i've been the one planning/ organising, so it was really good to just be a camper and not think too much about other things. 

and as always, BFRC Boot camp has got is reputation to keep.

we weren't told of the schedule / location or what to expect... just a steadfast Code of Conduct, the L.O.R (law) and  a list of things to bring which includes 'your passport'. hahas. i mean, they (the camp councit) can like call us to bring passport and have the camp at east coast/ sentosa and so on. hahas.

and so, through 2 dispatch (e)mails, and thousands of ambiguity, most of us didn't know what to expect but to expect for the worst coz its boot camp after all. ahhas.

about 3 days before the camp, in came dispatch mail #2 which told us our teams, tasks to do before gg to the camp, along with a QR code of the location. of course, some of us couldn't get the resources to figure out the code in time, so in our groups, we speculated about the meeting place through whatsapp. the QR code was a picture of the location with a cross which marks the exact location to meet at 8am sharp.

as Singaporeans, it was easy to identify the spot inbetween msia checkpt and city square. so we met up at kranji mrt at 7am. it was raining in the morng.... but i decided to ride anyway and parked at turf club. foc.

and soon, we're on the bus to Mersing at Tanjung Leman. we didnt' know until we reached there. hahas. we didn't even know the duration of the journey so most of us were drifting in and out of sleep. otw there, we had our first challenge... 

quite funny. good thing that our wallets weren't confiscated by the council.

so much of us used our own money to buy additional food just in case we would starve in the hunger. hahas. we're like so anxious that we even thought about Boot Camp being another Hunger Games movie.

and soon enough, we reached the campsite. it was about 12pm in the afternoon. lunch was provided and it was too good to be true. hahas. and yep, all our toiletries and snacks were confiscated, including the 1 roll of toliet paper that we're told to bring. but glad they let us keep our towels and tootbrush. hahas

then it was some icebreaker games to earn 1 bar of soap for our team to share. 

and soon, it was trekking time! 

i love trekking. so i really had a good time. made me think about the days when i climb mt k. 

it was a short trek but quite a steep climb...so in about 30 mins, we're up at the peak. it was nice.

the vast blue sky.

the endless sea...

i just wanna be there and forget about the world man.

it was very short-lived, but enough to ignite my adventurous spark! called off the Nepal trip some time last year due to finances and poor weather, but i hope to do it next year!

then it was rafting.

building our rafts with 3 tyre tubes and 6 pylons. regretted that i didn't join scouts to know any good rope tying skills. but thankfully some of my teammates have got rope-tying trng before.... so it came in handy. hahas.

(ok, short of time. gonna speed upppp. post photos next time!)

then it was the casualty challenge.

it was indeed challenging for our team. our casualty was bout 90kg and we've got only 5 of us remaining with 1 with an injured ankle. i think it was like almost breaking point for me man. but glad i pushed through.

by then it was evening..

so it was finally time to wash up with the 5 of us sharing 1 bar of soap. hahas.

dinner time!!  suppperrrrr hungryyyy.

outdoor cooking with the mozzies. 

looking at the bites on my leg now, i think its almost 30 bites and i'm not exaggerating.

our group got the table...

then then was the ritual campfire with camp-ish cheers and performances.hahas. most of us have out grown the whole camp-ish kinda stuff, but i was still nice to round the campfire. the heat helped to fend of the mozzies too.

played with the remaining petrol to make our club name.

黑

then we lit up some lanterns into the sky!

(: 

again, reminded me of the times in the mountains of n. thailand with all the excited kids and all.

(:

was really peaceful. and with no citylights pollution, the sky was beautifully lited up by the billions of pretty starssss. it was nice.

from the hectic work week to this was really... nice. 

didn't want to let my thoughts run wild, so just zoned into the shinning shimmering starrrrrs. (:

went back to the bunk.

there's problem with the lights and the toliet flush.

the whole place was short circuited. hahas, i practiced fault isolation and solved the problem! felt likka pro b2 mechanic.

moving on to the toliet issue, the water kept flushing, found out the primary problem as the valve wasn't in the right position but didn't exactly know how to put it in place but to just manual hold it in with my fingers. later my team mate came along.. from the Engineering faculty of NUS. hahahs. she did a project of toliet systems, and gave me a full explanation of how the toliet system works. nothing like the aviation one that we learn... just a basic understanding of the float and water levels. ahahs. 

and so, day 1 was done.

was quite good actually. though it was a tiring day, there weren't any PT-specific trngs. so i guess, day 2 was more of expecting the unexpected.

layed in bed. couldn't sleep coz i didnt bring my smelly baby pillow. 

thought through stuff and succumbed to the dark.

day 2.

rainny morng. the golden sun summoned all kinds of warmth to the soil.

a stroll down to the beach for our next team game. its one of those trust walks with the blind folds...except that the leader was also blindfolded. ahhas. we're all like "blind leading the blindd!!". ahhas. it was with ropes and figuring out metal pieces as checkpoints.

next.

finally. PT.

ahahs.

PT done at the beach with much much much sandddd.

magic no. = 15 and x2

after each set of exercise, bear crawl 10m down to scoop up a handful of sand to fill up the bags. 4-5 ppl to a team. practically no recovery time. hahas. but it was fun and somewhat chillax coz the the nice sea.

one of the fitter teams..

hahas.

then lunch.

then hijackked the confiscated soap.

then we set out our team goals, giving out the notes had about 20mins to nua around before the bus came and off we gooooo.

it was a love-hate feeling. 

of some reason, though we're enjoying the camp, we miss home.

some of us dropped by taman sentosa for some good and cheap seafood.

and by about 830pm, i was home alrdy.

glad that customs were so clear.

was really tired.

and i didn't want to go to work today.

ok. been scratching myself the whole day. even mopiko dont seem to heelp.

anywayss...

thank God for a good getaway and it really did reminded me of alot of things that i've overlooked in life. probably been too caught up in the little things that dont matter. realized how lost i was in life, w/o seeking any form of direction or anything but work. 

also time to start the season proper. say no to working late nights. finally a legitimate reason to leave office when i can.

bah.

and glad that i'm able to not act on the impluse most of the time.

so yep. cheers to an awesome wkend. :D

DID I JUST CLICKED 'NO' TO 'DO YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR WORK?!' ??????

O.M.G.

Issues with the night.
Tissues in the bin.

Legit