the outlook.

(: so much better now.
totally shed all the dead skin. #snakeyear indeed. hahas.


the amount of facial /moisturizer products i've used in these 5 days is probably more than my lifetime. the amount of time spent looking into the mirror over these 5 days is also probably more than how much i did last year. hahas. i guess this experience has forced me to start taking care of my complexion.

been looking and finding facial products to heal my mutilated face.
Guardian. Watsons.
hahas. oh yes, Guardian's cheaper. saw a good spf sunblock spf 50+ for $14.95 at Guardian while the exact same one cost $22.90 at Watson's. and i realized, omg, the cosmetic world out  there seems infinite! so many range. so many kinds, times, prices. i feel more girl now, having to take a closer look at all these bottles of skin care products on the shelves that i'd usually go past fast as i zoom towards the bandages/ muscle relief section to get my tapes and creams for rugby.

but everything is just so expensive.
so i just got a facial wash for $5.90, and and.... 2 hydrating face mask! its like $2.95 for 1 pc, but with the Guardian $1 off coupon avaliable at the shelf, i'm paying abt $4 for 2 pcs.
$4. that's like half a tank of petrol which can last me for 2-3 days. and this is just 2 pcs of chemically treated crepe paper or some sort. so yes, for the first time, i'm looking forward to visiting Sasa in when i go to HK for my tournament. hahahas.
with such product knowledge and price comparisons, i guess i should be more capable of getting some good buys and start deciphering what creams/lotions is for what. ahhahahas. (i think i still need some pro help from some of my girl friends though. hahahs. i know my teammate Ruby, as an editor/writer, is able to after having to do her write up about cosmetics and stuff like that. ahhahas!)



anyways! it's a good lesson learnt la. at least now i'm paying more attention to personal hygiene, not underestimating or taking the environment for granted and stuff like that.



met up with amandas and sz for dinner tonight at Star Vista. its a new building opposite buno vista mrt. when i was working in MOE, i've watch how the building grew everyday out through my office window. hahas. now, to be in it, its so nice! so many shops and food places!
meeting my fav couple is always great coz they're one of the few ones in my life whom (i really think) enjoys listening and somewhat appreciate all my rubbish and nonsensical stories in life.
it makes me feel more humanly connected to being myself.
hahahhas. thank you.





sch as usual, 9am till 5pm, with actual lessons till 10am and free self-study all the way. hahas.
exam on fri. Higher Maths part 2.
didn't get full marks for part 1. 99/100. careless mistake. hahahs. #selfconceited.
M11, i think i'm below avg man! i got 84/100 if i'm not wrong. the avg is probably 88. sigh.
but then again, all these exam results are not really a justification of the knowledge capability of the subjects as per se, but more of erm... memory work right, judging by the amt/type of hints we're given.
hahas. self-consolation or aka, self-denial. hahas. whatever. faster pass and get out of this sch.
if i do top the class, then good job. if not nvm. no incentives for being top anyway. probably just to satisfy my egoistic pride.




anyway, rugby season's off for now, other than mon's touch trng/ sat's league, i've got all evening time to myself. gg back to TP on tues for fun Touch is always good coz playing alongside with my old team-mates is always rewarding and fruitful. those competitive moments in the on-going league and be abit more diluted and in a way, 're-defined' by all of such laughing moments during the fun touch.




and so, life in a way has been good. too much free time and giving myself more gaps for excuses to procrastinate on some impt things in life like packing my closet and all my bags. hahas.







-





ok, and so, its wed.
these 3 days in sch and out facing the public.
face value.
outer appearance.
judgement.



really.
on mon when my face was still swollen, with eyes all puffed up.. i wore shades in class.

hahas. ok. not #swagg.
i did it to hide myself.
to hide something that i wasn't proud of. something that i didn't want the world to see.
something that i was afraid of, and in my opinion, capable of having an effect and impact of how the world sees me.

on the 2nd day, as it got better, i started wearing just my fav cap to hide my gross peeling forehead. as of now, its not so much of hiding myself, but to really put the cap to good use to protect my skin from the sun and hopefully reduce infection/bacteria to my super sensitive open skin now.
and in fact, while wearing a cap in class, i'm more focused! (and a reduction of the effects of astigmatism from unwanted reflected lights shining back into my eyes). anyway, thats not the point.



all these did made me think about life.
how face value is deemed so important to the world. even though i'm not meeting with new people but just facing classmates or even schoolmates, it did matter to be how i could be re-judged; how judgmental the world can be.
it is also showed especially, how vulnerable can one's self-esteem be, or rather, how i allowed it to be.


with biblical reflections, the whole story of Adam and Eve, God's creation of the world occurred to me.
when God created man and woman aka. Adam and Eve, everything was happy in its form. free and naked without sin. once exposed to sin, such purity was tainted, stained and there was then a reason to be ashamed of. that care-free positive nakedness became something against themselves. values were lost. disappoints. anguish.
God's Creation is perfect. but we made or rather, indirectly created chains and labels for ourselves- the valuation of things, of people of what mattered to us.


in relation was another thought about the economy now vs barter trade then. how intangible values has shift so vastly and can be so clearly defined in tangible numerical forms now. how society is capable of setting such values unanimously as a whole. how people value such ideological labels and tags.
really.


in my case, i must admit, when i had those ugly peeling marks, there was really nothing to be proud of.

in fact, it occured to me that i had to hide myself so that i wouldn't scare ppl or create negative attention for myself. while all these thoughts of going through my (burnt) head, i did ask myself "am i willing to give my up negative self-induced thoughts and be proud of who i am / of how God has created me so awesomely?"
how can i disregard the labels of the world?
what reasons/excuses or even self-denials that i can give myself to take a step out?
where do i find the strength?
what is strength?
what was important to me or to the world?


i struggled with these questions. i made myself struggle. no, not being a saddist but i mean, i could hide it all with my cool $5 army cap from the Singapoer Airshow 3 yrs back or with my $5 shades right.... but i thought of the people who had permanent visible scars. scars that could not be removed or shielded just like that.
it must have been hell, a strained struggle within themselves that i can never comprehend. i'm only having 2nd deg sunburnt which is (hopefully) a reversible effect. can u imagine how much and how long it must have taken for them to finally walk out of their shadows to find that courage and confidence to re-protect themselves?


this is also probably the same as with the mistakes that we've made it life; be it whether others know it or not; how we let our conscience prick us to a point that it becomes physically visible through our actions or the way we do things in life.




really. i can go on and on now about all the thoughts i had just over these few days.
just one sunburn, and i think, my perspective towards life did make a subtle subconscious permanent shift.




honestly, i dont have solid answers or solutions.
every other individual would probably have their own similar outlets/ ways/ resolutions/ remedies that could help to ease their entrance towards facing society the way it is now.
me saying 'you are not alone' or 'i am with you' through this blog to any persons (reading this now) suffering with whatever that i've mentioned is not going to make a big impact coz i know, i cannot fully empathize with whatever struggles you are individually going through. i mean like, sunburn vs say, a slash down across from one eye to the other cheek? maybe that's just an exaggeration but....
as a Christian, i can tell you that my God is bigger than any problems in this world. He can only solve your probs in His ways and in His time only if you allow Him to.






-




another random thought (there was a direct linkage between those above thoughts to this, but i can't rmbr off-hand now) was growing friendships.
how friendships with ppl can be so different even though we as a person may be genuinely true to ourselves when in these friendships. how one wrong careless synchronized yet different step can prove to cause an unwanted deep plunge down, even way past the ground where the friendship started and once created upon.
i think the link i had, had something to do with value, again.
though you didn't commit any mistake or direct error to hurt me, perhaps it was the fact that such ideas were being formed and present in your thoughts that gave me such great disappointment. and with such great disappointments, it proves that great expectations did exist no matter how mindful we were aware and wanted to evade of the commitment involved. and with such great expectations, it comes with what i've been typing about: valuation; how i unknowingly placed a positive value on the friendship and hence the unplanned level of expectations of how we wanted it to be, which then, has a direct inverse relationship with disappointments.
hahas. sounds like a chain reaction / mathematical formula going on here. perhaps its from all the Maths qns involving formulas that i'm doing in class to kill time.




but yea. isn't everything related? one affects the other not matter how much we want it or not.




control.
what controls?
who controls?
how do we control?
do we want to control?







sigh.




i should stop here coz time-check: 2:50am.








next wk is the sch hols! but.... mum is away again to take care of the Liews coz their father is overseas for work while their mother can't really cope with an aching back and stuff like that. mother poon to the rescue indeed. ahhas.
had thoughts to like bring her to JB or like Star Vista (the mall i went to today) or even the newly built Plaza Singapura section.... but oh wells. Star Vista have this ground water fountain thing where kids run around in those shooting-up water. wanted her to bring the 2 monkeys there to play but their hols by then would have ended. ):





it hasn't been raining recently and i want to thank God for the beautiful morning sun and evening sunset that i see when i go in and out of Seletar.




to end off, i'll share a song with you guys that i found myself just only humming to it....






Like the sun that rises everyday,
You are so faithful. 
Dear Lord You are faithful.
Like the rain, that You bring,
And every breath that I breathe,
You are so faithful, Lord

Verse 2:
Like the rose that comes alive every spring,
Oh You are so faithful. 
Dear Lord, You are faithful.
Like the life, that You give,
to every beat of my heart,
You are so faithful, Lord.


PreChorus:
I see the cross and the price You had to pay,
I see the blood that washed my sins away.

Chorus:
In the midst of the storm
through the wind and the waves,
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful,
When the stars refuse to shine and time is no more,
You'll still be faithful,
You'll still be faithful, Lord.