enola

always rmbr to not hastily jump into your actions that are being mentally crafted out from your thoughts, orchestrated by ur emotions.



feeling quite gibberish now.
hahas..



just because i'm feeling all alone now (because i really am w/o mother poon..) it shouldn't mean anything really.
you've successfully taught me to be lonely in the midst of the crowd.
its something that i want to unlearn, and re-learn.
u know, it is something that i never really wanted to explore until you took a step into my world.



maybe its just because its really the time of the month and theres no way i can defy the biological chemical processes that are taking place right now. the quick mental neurons is probably stronger than it is, but right now, i just dont feel like it.



i am stubborn.
but its not something i dont want to or cant change.
the world around is like a paper bag. useful for one moment, and its later discarded or recycled depending how durable you are. no one really appreciates you.
once used, the value gets degraded and disregarded.
once crumpled, the paper can never be straightened again w/o its creased marks right.


today i stayed at home for the whole day, missing out church or the technical workshop that i'm supposed to be attending. i edited photos. played candy crushed. cooked. cleaned. watched mac and cheese swim in the water. but never really did the things that i wanted to do.
its one of the rare days that i spoke less than 10 words. i didn't make any phone calls today. left my phone alone in a corner. occasionally checking out social streams online which wasn't really out of interest but of a habitual routine.


for technology has shrunk the world,  it has also shrunk the effort needed to maintain a relationship. everything can be done so effortlessly nowadays, w/o the time in between to consider or think. while there used to be a gap while we're physically searching for phone numbers, addresses, envelope and postal stamps, everything now is just less then a finger's effort away.

it has then altered the way humans value the effort in maintaing a relationship, which eventually, redefine the whole idea of a proper relationship. while the whole bgr thing is probably more 'important' in that sense since it's probably the root of starting a family to walk with u the next 3/4 of ur life time, friendships that contribute to the building blocks in ur life has also suffered in many indirect ways.



so what's important now?




right now, its just me and the emotional bit. i'm sure i'll be back to normal within the next 2-3 days la. just need it to be over faster. sucks to be this kind of girl at this time of the month, once every month for the whole year and until i get really old. suck it up bitches. hahas
but yea, its really during such times that we gotta be mindful of our actions. we need to take extra care to whats going out and what's coming in. ie, we shouldn't be making actions just because we feel like it and then eventually abandoning its consequences in regret; we shouldn't be absorbing in words that are sugar coated just to make us feel good and giving leeway for anyone's benefit that we aren'r really serious about in the first place.
1 min of action may mean 1 year of regretful consequences.




the night indeed does strange things to us.




perhaps its coz the vision we're getting at night is just a reflection from the sun who's supposedly to be resting. the source of light we get at night isn't really genuine but just a reflection of the real source of truth. everything becomes cold. shadows. its just a metaphor. but let's just say that maybe the true source of light from the Sun is one that really lits up the truths around us. and once it goes away, the moon takes over and tries to be like its own  master which then screws everything up.

but it does give us that peace and rest we can't really get from the battles we face when the truths are all being lighted up.




gibberish.meaning.less.





what i feel and how i feel honestly, is not important now any more.
i probably should have grown out of it at this age right now.
since i'm running away and w/o that ability to be up against what will be, i shall take all these along my stride and pay little or no attention to it.
coz really, it does not matter.









anyways. long wkend ahead.
feeling lazy with the indulgence of time i have spent at home, but i have to.

pointless la.

this is gg to be a another pointless post.
and very random. and just trash talk
so forget it.






TGIF today.
but... i totally missed the alarm clock and woke up 1hr late. the time when i'm supposedly to be physically in church.

been editing the photos and my eyes are gg blurrr.
and so fast, its 5.30pm alrdy.



anyways.


the rare random 1 wk of sch hols has just passed.
if i had the money, i would have gone HK to catch the 7s game.
hahas. and based on my excellent investigative skills, i know where are the locations.
i could have done more if i sincerely wanted to.



if only the HK inter-cities (coming up in may) is last wkend. then i can extend and not waste my air ticket and rush out and in of sch like that. hopefully i can catch my plan on time then.



feeling so wasted in life.
not that i dont have a goal, but i feel that i'm becoming effortless.
not 'effortless' as in pro in doing things, but like... damn nua... no drive. no... effort.


i want to go on an adventure. to backpack. to do train trips. to ride around in my bike.



i want to start workinggg properly.
i needa start living.




bah.



quite PMSy today.
backaching. negative. wasted.



when out for dinner last night with old sch friends. (: wished that everyone could have been there and have a proper dinner. but it was fun.



i would like to dress up like a proper girl at times but too much effort involved. no point also leh.



sometimes most of the time, i want to be a boy. like really being born as one.


i'm actually quite tired of this life.
not that i'm quitting,
but i guess i just need some re-prioritizing.



the wkend is near.


the 1 wk hols i've had has just diluted the exciting approach for the wkend.

and i've still got no time for myself to do the things i want do. like make music, go swimming, pack all my bags and wardrobe.


havent seen mother poon in 2 wks coz she's taking care of the Liews in sembawang again.
whole house to myself.
and you've taught me how to be lonely.



the weather is so stagnant. humid. hot. cluttered.
the rain came, but the hot air rose and still killed many.




see. sucha pointless post right.

losing its meaning to everything.


happy Easter Sunday.




oh yes, and SARA IS A MOTHER NOW. :')

The Tree Beyond the Fire

Daniel and Steph's shoot. (:

daniel's been my primary school mate. we've never really been close in primary.. closer than other sch mates coz his class is just beside mine.
in secondary sch, it was v random.. but some how, we realized that we both love music and guitar... jammed with him once together in my room with nigel... and that was probably it.

but he's a v special friend to me because of how he uses him music to reach out to people. very humble. very talented. just that one meeting with nigel, nigel alrdy misses him. hahas!

his songs never fail to come at the right time.
and they way God uses him through his music really inspires me...
not just towards music, in our attitude towards worship.


and so just ytd, helped him shoot his pre-wedding shoot! (:
got to know his fiance Steph. though it was the first time we're meeting, it was quick how we're able to talk about anything.

the shoot was in MacRitchie. ran there once during SAJC marathon during my first 3 months. hahas.
lotsa mosquitos.
but its a place where they would hike/jog every alternate days.
its my first pre-wedding shoot it sucha a terrain, humid and sweaty. but all's good because of the great company. daniel in long jeans and black 3/4 sleeves, steph all in a nice pretty white dress and heels  did not complain at all man and did v well. they're really the nature kind of ppl.. and it was just v nice to see them enjoying themselves. u should see daniel's house and room. its like opening the door to another nature-ish world. and his room, is filled with guitar, plants and a single mattress on the ground, including fishes and a small crab around. ahhahs..
and to travel to the different spots they had pre-selected from their routine hikes, we had to hike through them as well, lugging all our guitars, stools, equipments and whatever nots.


while shooting them, i just adviced them to enjoy themselves. so most of the time, daniel was singing to her or they were doing a duet. despite the heat and mosquitoes with perspiration drippin' they were enjoying themselves which made my shoot alot easier. and, i had good music to shoot along with. ahhahs. i'm bad with advices on couple poses. hahahs. so my advice to couples is to have a thought of their poses and places first.


(:


it was tiring. but it was a great experience for myself.
the lighting was abit challenging and the flash exposure was also tricky to handle.
but looking through the photos now, its good. it could have been better though! coz some of the nicer shots had too much blur motion/ awkward light spots. but yea, i think nature and warmth is quite kinda like my style, so i'm looking forward to editing the photos. and while i'm doing the processing, i'm playing his music in the background. hahas. (:
till then!


(more photos to be inserted soon.)

i'm back to looking more human now with all the facial products, some even purchased by my sister. never has she ever bought me anything out of goodwill w/o an occassion. hahahs.

the outlook.

(: so much better now.
totally shed all the dead skin. #snakeyear indeed. hahas.


the amount of facial /moisturizer products i've used in these 5 days is probably more than my lifetime. the amount of time spent looking into the mirror over these 5 days is also probably more than how much i did last year. hahas. i guess this experience has forced me to start taking care of my complexion.

been looking and finding facial products to heal my mutilated face.
Guardian. Watsons.
hahas. oh yes, Guardian's cheaper. saw a good spf sunblock spf 50+ for $14.95 at Guardian while the exact same one cost $22.90 at Watson's. and i realized, omg, the cosmetic world out  there seems infinite! so many range. so many kinds, times, prices. i feel more girl now, having to take a closer look at all these bottles of skin care products on the shelves that i'd usually go past fast as i zoom towards the bandages/ muscle relief section to get my tapes and creams for rugby.

but everything is just so expensive.
so i just got a facial wash for $5.90, and and.... 2 hydrating face mask! its like $2.95 for 1 pc, but with the Guardian $1 off coupon avaliable at the shelf, i'm paying abt $4 for 2 pcs.
$4. that's like half a tank of petrol which can last me for 2-3 days. and this is just 2 pcs of chemically treated crepe paper or some sort. so yes, for the first time, i'm looking forward to visiting Sasa in when i go to HK for my tournament. hahahas.
with such product knowledge and price comparisons, i guess i should be more capable of getting some good buys and start deciphering what creams/lotions is for what. ahhahahas. (i think i still need some pro help from some of my girl friends though. hahahs. i know my teammate Ruby, as an editor/writer, is able to after having to do her write up about cosmetics and stuff like that. ahhahas!)



anyways! it's a good lesson learnt la. at least now i'm paying more attention to personal hygiene, not underestimating or taking the environment for granted and stuff like that.



met up with amandas and sz for dinner tonight at Star Vista. its a new building opposite buno vista mrt. when i was working in MOE, i've watch how the building grew everyday out through my office window. hahas. now, to be in it, its so nice! so many shops and food places!
meeting my fav couple is always great coz they're one of the few ones in my life whom (i really think) enjoys listening and somewhat appreciate all my rubbish and nonsensical stories in life.
it makes me feel more humanly connected to being myself.
hahahhas. thank you.





sch as usual, 9am till 5pm, with actual lessons till 10am and free self-study all the way. hahas.
exam on fri. Higher Maths part 2.
didn't get full marks for part 1. 99/100. careless mistake. hahahs. #selfconceited.
M11, i think i'm below avg man! i got 84/100 if i'm not wrong. the avg is probably 88. sigh.
but then again, all these exam results are not really a justification of the knowledge capability of the subjects as per se, but more of erm... memory work right, judging by the amt/type of hints we're given.
hahas. self-consolation or aka, self-denial. hahas. whatever. faster pass and get out of this sch.
if i do top the class, then good job. if not nvm. no incentives for being top anyway. probably just to satisfy my egoistic pride.




anyway, rugby season's off for now, other than mon's touch trng/ sat's league, i've got all evening time to myself. gg back to TP on tues for fun Touch is always good coz playing alongside with my old team-mates is always rewarding and fruitful. those competitive moments in the on-going league and be abit more diluted and in a way, 're-defined' by all of such laughing moments during the fun touch.




and so, life in a way has been good. too much free time and giving myself more gaps for excuses to procrastinate on some impt things in life like packing my closet and all my bags. hahas.







-





ok, and so, its wed.
these 3 days in sch and out facing the public.
face value.
outer appearance.
judgement.



really.
on mon when my face was still swollen, with eyes all puffed up.. i wore shades in class.

hahas. ok. not #swagg.
i did it to hide myself.
to hide something that i wasn't proud of. something that i didn't want the world to see.
something that i was afraid of, and in my opinion, capable of having an effect and impact of how the world sees me.

on the 2nd day, as it got better, i started wearing just my fav cap to hide my gross peeling forehead. as of now, its not so much of hiding myself, but to really put the cap to good use to protect my skin from the sun and hopefully reduce infection/bacteria to my super sensitive open skin now.
and in fact, while wearing a cap in class, i'm more focused! (and a reduction of the effects of astigmatism from unwanted reflected lights shining back into my eyes). anyway, thats not the point.



all these did made me think about life.
how face value is deemed so important to the world. even though i'm not meeting with new people but just facing classmates or even schoolmates, it did matter to be how i could be re-judged; how judgmental the world can be.
it is also showed especially, how vulnerable can one's self-esteem be, or rather, how i allowed it to be.


with biblical reflections, the whole story of Adam and Eve, God's creation of the world occurred to me.
when God created man and woman aka. Adam and Eve, everything was happy in its form. free and naked without sin. once exposed to sin, such purity was tainted, stained and there was then a reason to be ashamed of. that care-free positive nakedness became something against themselves. values were lost. disappoints. anguish.
God's Creation is perfect. but we made or rather, indirectly created chains and labels for ourselves- the valuation of things, of people of what mattered to us.


in relation was another thought about the economy now vs barter trade then. how intangible values has shift so vastly and can be so clearly defined in tangible numerical forms now. how society is capable of setting such values unanimously as a whole. how people value such ideological labels and tags.
really.


in my case, i must admit, when i had those ugly peeling marks, there was really nothing to be proud of.

in fact, it occured to me that i had to hide myself so that i wouldn't scare ppl or create negative attention for myself. while all these thoughts of going through my (burnt) head, i did ask myself "am i willing to give my up negative self-induced thoughts and be proud of who i am / of how God has created me so awesomely?"
how can i disregard the labels of the world?
what reasons/excuses or even self-denials that i can give myself to take a step out?
where do i find the strength?
what is strength?
what was important to me or to the world?


i struggled with these questions. i made myself struggle. no, not being a saddist but i mean, i could hide it all with my cool $5 army cap from the Singapoer Airshow 3 yrs back or with my $5 shades right.... but i thought of the people who had permanent visible scars. scars that could not be removed or shielded just like that.
it must have been hell, a strained struggle within themselves that i can never comprehend. i'm only having 2nd deg sunburnt which is (hopefully) a reversible effect. can u imagine how much and how long it must have taken for them to finally walk out of their shadows to find that courage and confidence to re-protect themselves?


this is also probably the same as with the mistakes that we've made it life; be it whether others know it or not; how we let our conscience prick us to a point that it becomes physically visible through our actions or the way we do things in life.




really. i can go on and on now about all the thoughts i had just over these few days.
just one sunburn, and i think, my perspective towards life did make a subtle subconscious permanent shift.




honestly, i dont have solid answers or solutions.
every other individual would probably have their own similar outlets/ ways/ resolutions/ remedies that could help to ease their entrance towards facing society the way it is now.
me saying 'you are not alone' or 'i am with you' through this blog to any persons (reading this now) suffering with whatever that i've mentioned is not going to make a big impact coz i know, i cannot fully empathize with whatever struggles you are individually going through. i mean like, sunburn vs say, a slash down across from one eye to the other cheek? maybe that's just an exaggeration but....
as a Christian, i can tell you that my God is bigger than any problems in this world. He can only solve your probs in His ways and in His time only if you allow Him to.






-




another random thought (there was a direct linkage between those above thoughts to this, but i can't rmbr off-hand now) was growing friendships.
how friendships with ppl can be so different even though we as a person may be genuinely true to ourselves when in these friendships. how one wrong careless synchronized yet different step can prove to cause an unwanted deep plunge down, even way past the ground where the friendship started and once created upon.
i think the link i had, had something to do with value, again.
though you didn't commit any mistake or direct error to hurt me, perhaps it was the fact that such ideas were being formed and present in your thoughts that gave me such great disappointment. and with such great disappointments, it proves that great expectations did exist no matter how mindful we were aware and wanted to evade of the commitment involved. and with such great expectations, it comes with what i've been typing about: valuation; how i unknowingly placed a positive value on the friendship and hence the unplanned level of expectations of how we wanted it to be, which then, has a direct inverse relationship with disappointments.
hahas. sounds like a chain reaction / mathematical formula going on here. perhaps its from all the Maths qns involving formulas that i'm doing in class to kill time.




but yea. isn't everything related? one affects the other not matter how much we want it or not.




control.
what controls?
who controls?
how do we control?
do we want to control?







sigh.




i should stop here coz time-check: 2:50am.








next wk is the sch hols! but.... mum is away again to take care of the Liews coz their father is overseas for work while their mother can't really cope with an aching back and stuff like that. mother poon to the rescue indeed. ahhas.
had thoughts to like bring her to JB or like Star Vista (the mall i went to today) or even the newly built Plaza Singapura section.... but oh wells. Star Vista have this ground water fountain thing where kids run around in those shooting-up water. wanted her to bring the 2 monkeys there to play but their hols by then would have ended. ):





it hasn't been raining recently and i want to thank God for the beautiful morning sun and evening sunset that i see when i go in and out of Seletar.




to end off, i'll share a song with you guys that i found myself just only humming to it....






Like the sun that rises everyday,
You are so faithful. 
Dear Lord You are faithful.
Like the rain, that You bring,
And every breath that I breathe,
You are so faithful, Lord

Verse 2:
Like the rose that comes alive every spring,
Oh You are so faithful. 
Dear Lord, You are faithful.
Like the life, that You give,
to every beat of my heart,
You are so faithful, Lord.


PreChorus:
I see the cross and the price You had to pay,
I see the blood that washed my sins away.

Chorus:
In the midst of the storm
through the wind and the waves,
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful,
When the stars refuse to shine and time is no more,
You'll still be faithful,
You'll still be faithful, Lord.

Burnt by the Sun

#rainbow. (:

ok. right now, i'm sunburnt.
that's an understatement.

my face is still swollen and i'm stucked at home to rest after waking up to see a doctor on a sunday morning and paid $68 for it.

this photo taken this morning. hahas.
bah. lookin' like an elephant.
its not that bad alrdy coz the swell on my lips went down. but its still dry and cracks all the time. looking like a survivor from Discovery Channel's 'I Shouldn't be Alive' - after being out in the dessert for serveral days.
even the doc said that he's not seen sunburnt so severe before.
came home on Sat afternoon and my face did shocked mother poon coz it looked like a severe allergic reaction.

and its my first time having to take medications for being sunburnt.
really hope my swell goes down asap so i can go sch tmr w/o ppl laughing at meeeeee. :/

ok basically, this week had no sch. so i went to help with some coaching of touch rugby at Tanjung Leman in Malaysia, together with Camp High Achievers for a junior college. went up on wed night together with the principal and came back on sat with the students. 3D2N kinda thing.
it was just Rad and i with the help of Sirhan.
for about 600 over students!
so quite proud of ourselves for introducing Touch to so many teenagers.

for 2 days, we're out in the sun, 8am-4pm straight.
no shelter at all. we only went into the shade during the lunch break and occassionally while the next session of campers started strolling in.
and with limited water supply. thank God for Naz who runs in cold 100plus occassionally.
u know, if u put the cold bottle of 100plus on the ground for about 15mins, it becomes warm 100plus! yea. that hot, and that fast.

Tanjung Leman.
stayed at Felda Resort cum campsite.
its about a 2hr drive up from woodlands checkpoint.
nice place with a nice beach with nice waves and lotsa hermit crabs.
almost did some kayaking, but didn't have the time! the students did that, drag net fishing, and some adventure trails around the resort/ jungle. quite cool.
here's some of the shots.

here's the last night campfire night.
quite different from my time i had campfire when i was in Sec 3 under the same company too.




and the very nice star-lited sky.



back in SG at the sch.
hahas. and u can see my forehead swelling arldy.





then had the Season-end BBQ at Sam's place.
awesome vietnamese spring rolls tt we could make ourself.
so so nice.

my first one..

and practice makes perfect. hahas

and we did a Harlem Shake vid.

yep. so fast, its my one week is over.





-



initially, was secretly abit apprehensive for the sessions coz its been long since i've conducted / coached on a scale something like that.  i doubted by capability at first.. but as i go along the way, i started to be more courageous and gained more confident and smooth. (: so good job man.
as mentioned, the sun was sooo hot and we're literally battling against it with the short attention span of the exhausted students.


overall it was good.



another thing that made me abit erm.... idk how to put it but..more.. anxious perhaps, was the fact that i was gg to be in contact with one of your good friends. so seeing him was like, seeing you.
both u guys are very similar in so many positive ways.
anyway, that was just it.
but u're still very much appearing in my random occasional dreams. dangggg.
and i would like to watch stars with u again.
these stars reminded me of the times in Northern Thailand. the stars then, though the same, were much brighter and seemingly bigger and closer to us.






and constantly,  you. were. in. my. thoughts.
its not something that i have full control of and really, i do want you to disappear into thin air but my mind somehow just can't let it go.
i can really choose what i want and not want to say here to be published. and sometimes, i guess i do things w/o thinking about the consequences. that's makes things more... out of control?
i guess u've been doing good at this and as me, i've failed terribly just by typing all these.


that's the problem of being too committed in emotion, with self-sincere passion.
thats the difficulty of finding that line to draw and to stand on it, balancing on it against the wind.



i'm not expecting anything and i dun want to expect anything.

forcing myself to be occupied with so many things and then complaining that i dun have time to rest is also probably a way of successful escaptism. though it can be physically and mentally demanding, i should have no regrets or complaints if i make the best out of every opportunity; since its probably 10 times more beneficial to not just me, but those around me.



pretty sure that it'll be a faster good night tonight. not gonna let me thoughts run wild and free.





anyway, keep me in ur prayers!
i want the swelling to go downn fast fast tonight!!!!

attitude

attitude. EADI. PFD. vertical gyro. elevator. 

just had one of the biggest paper in the time spent in this school.
M11. Aerodynamics, Structures and Systems.
100qns. a 2hr 05 min paper.
honestly, this is the first paper that i was really felt the weight of the paper just before exam.
i mean like, we're given hints. but for me, when i study, i do want to make sure that i know my materials well and all the way and so, i study hard and study well. in total, the notes is probably about 200 over pages and i'm quite proud of myself for being able to complete it 1 day before the exam.

however, the studying is honestly, redundant.
coz 70% of the questions dun come from the given notes itself. neither are they being covered in the lessons. so i guess the amount of mcq questions did cause some unnecessary fear though the hints given are literally...... the.. hints. (that's all i can say).
so really, if u really want to count the time spent studying, for the exam, maybe the last 2 hours before walking into the exam hall?

i dun specifically study the hints much earlier before the exam because i dont have the time, urgency or attitude to do so. not because i dunt want, but i prioritize drilling in the concepts which require a fairly large amt of time. i dun think i'm smart in do doing, but that i guess thats how my inert principles defines me. even if it means to indirectly suffer when i really dun have to.

but yea, during that last 2 hours as always, i make the best out of it, and just safe enough.
also, maybe because i'm putting unnecessary pressure on myself; since its just purely MCQ, i subtlely expect myself to score 100% and that's probably my secret passing mark i set for myself. take it as a motivation/drive to study also la.

also, there's only a handful in class that hasn't failed any paper before (because M10 AirLaw claimed the lives of ALL but maybe 5-7 ppl in class), and i'm secretly proud to say i'm one of them. but well, i'm also not that proud because of the resources we're being provided with prior to the paper itself. thus, i'm actually more proud to say that i've clear 3 caas papers where i dont have any hints at all.


so yea, as i walked out of the exam hall today, having to finish the paper in 40mins, it was a mixed-feelings feeling altogether. not that victorious, but safe to say that i think i'm gonna clear this one, only because of the hints. honestly, w/o those hints, i dun think i'm able to answer all of the questions just by studying.

at the end of the day, its just a paper which in a way, can be exchanged for a license eventually.
and when on the ground, all u need to do is follow instructions from AMM right. i mean of course, its always good to have knowledge about what u're dealing with, but when the knowledge becomes a constrain or even, serve negative consequence to it, sometimes its best to know less right.
ok, that's not the point.
trying to prove no point here, but all i can say is, to give ur best and to optimize and maximize all the time given in life.



ok. so that's the exam part of my post tonight.



Tuesday just passed today and i'm still feeling the happiness of the victory from  last Sat's win.
the win did made me reflect and i believed, has evoked some feelings in other teammates as well.
even till now.





this year, we didn't train as much/ as hard as the last season. no club tour. no friendlies. not even one proper 15s game. in fact, towards the beginning of the season and even midway of season, i guess our attitudes started to slack. i.e, being late for trngs, no comms, no ownership or initiatives. then it became obvious in the scorelines.

our first game was against the malaysian club up at KL. knowing full well that our club trngs were also disrupted because of the national trngs, and leaving us unprepared for our 1st proper 15s game as the 1st game of the league, we focused hard play strong and had a good game. since we travelled long and far up, we also made the extra effort to keep focused and hence, the good results.
but it went downhill....


and so, when it came to the 2nd round of the league and facing our arch rivals in the 4th game, the biggest lost ever of 0-20 was really a massive wake-up call.
i still rmbr that first trng after that game. it was raining heavily at ccab. our coach and some of the senior players shared some of their sentiments. and from there, as a club, we made our goal and reasons to focus very clear. i still rmbr "its 6 trngs till the finals, so make it count guys."

it was obvious and to an extent, visually clear that our attitude towards not just trng, but to the beautiful game of Rugby did change. glad that we paced well and didn't run out of steam.
and till the last trng before the finals, that prep talk outside YCK stadium, the comms, those whatsapp group chats did prove to be very appropriately useful.


honestly, on saturday, i was in full believe that we're gonna win this.
it was different to me this time round.
last yr, we won both of the games against them during the pool stages. towards the finals we knew that the final game was gg to be tough, we knew that we could win it, but i guess there wasn't much belief. i still vaguely rmbr that i was sure that we're gg to win, but not with the kind of gusto, vigor and confidence when i said so. and hence, we eventually, lost the championship, twice in a row; never seemingly to learn from our previous lesson though we really trained so darn hard.

this yr, it was different for me. we drew 1, lost 1 against them in the pool stages. though that lost was the biggest scoreline ever for us, i was in full confidence that we're gonna win this.
even after 1st half when the scoreline was 6-7 to them, i was still sure that we had it.




that's the whole thing about attitude and confidence with abit of discipline and hardwork.
attitude > trainings (or even hardwork)
its really about the purpose, the intention, the goal set right from the start.




these are cliche values that our pre-primary, primary and secondary educational institute tries to instill to us in our formative years. these are the values that we know, and we often associate those to success.
confidence should come along with it.
but just last week, everything was just so real to me.
i dun really know how to explain to you, but i want to say, hardwork with effort and discipline do pay off and in return, it gives us that self-belief and confidence. whatever i say and however i try to explain it now cannot really transcend the meaning attached to it; and how it's value of it all has occured to me just in that last week.


i can't rmbr if (other than last wk), i've had similar experiences before. i probably do, but they're probably not that impactful enough to leave a mark in my memory lane for now.

but yes.

hahas. feelin' brave huh.

this is because, last sunday, i woke up late and regretted that i missed church. so to redeem myself, i studied hard from 4pm all the way till 7am. so hard that i totally lost track of time and even my meals. for the whole day, i only ate 2 pieces of bread, 1 slice of cake and a cup of ice blended coffee. even though i was still sore from saturday,some how, i didn't feel hungry. what a shocker. (i'm always 24/7 hungry. its rarely that i'm feel full even after a big buffet dinner or smth) so for that, i must have been damn focused. i didn't even play 1 round of candycrush k. and even at 7am, i didn't want to leave. wasn't even tired, but i knew i had to rest to press on for another day.
hahas.







-






anyways.
i duno how to put this but,
let's just say that it goes in sync with the 'laws of diminishing returns'

there's really quite alot of things that i do what to say, but i guess i'll reserve some of it just for myself to keep; because Ronan Keating says that you say it best when u say nothin' at all. ahhahas.


ok. serious. hahs.
its really through the people around that i learn, grow, modify and adapt.
those that love. those that hurt. everyone.
'love' has been taught to me in so many ways by so many people.
one concept but yet so many meanings, so many interpretations, and almost infinite.
one has taught me that to love a person is to let a person go. that person's happiness is my happiness, even if i'm not the cause of his happiness.
and another,  has taught me to fight for my own happiness because my happiness is his happiness even if his happiness is not my happiness.


make sense?
or did i mess and distort the whole thing up?

maybe the point i'm trying to make out here is the same, just in different degrees.
but whatever it is, is love really just all about happiess / being happy?
maybe to this, i'm a sadist.
maybe i have not learnt to give in acceptance.
maybe i've not learnt to accept in giving.



whatever it is, God is love and His infinite love is something we can never fathom and should never try to fathom.
it's really only the love of God that one is safe and saved.
it is the only love that never fails, never dies, never ends.
that, is the only thing in life that i can assure you of with full conviction.

the best Sat

its been long since i've shed a tear because i was happy.

(gonna make it brief coz i'm really shagged out from the blazing morning sun.)




half time, we were trailing them 6-7. but in the 2nd half we managed to break the line and bagged in 2 more tries.
indeed. these last 2 days of full commitment, communication, and focusing did pay off. (:
it's just damn shiok.

made this poem for the team 2 days ago prior to the Finals on the last day of trng, hoping to encourage and keep us tight together.


This is our last game so make it count
Let's end this hard with a big Blacks' sound.

Look where we've come and come so far,
Let's do this right and raise the bar.

90mins is all we've got
Let's smash them hard for that's what's sought.

Bring them down and hit them hard,
Make them know that they're not that smart.

Let's throw it out with all our passion,
Let's win this back with all our aggression.

This is not just a piece of game
This is not something just for fame.

Nothing's going to be put on hold
Let's be bold and grab the gold.

Let's show them what Blacks are made of
We'll get this right coz we're not that soft.

This is our last game so make it count
Let's end this hard with a big Blacks' sound.

:')

indeed, we did end it with a big Blacks sound.
for 2 yrs, we were unrest and unsettled. we trained hard. ups and downs, we went through it together. and with today's victory, it sure did make everything worthwhile.






in the morng, had STL.
won the Womens and drew the Mixed.
we played well for both teams. it was just very nice to be performing and running those lines.
and for the Mixed i managed to score against a guy! it was in the tight link-wing gap...and i faked and stepped into it. the oppo was actually a strong team and it was a tough fight. we lacked subs and some of our power player's weren't here today. so to play well and play together, and drew with a 5-5 was really a damn shiok feeling.

and after the day's games, had dinner with Mother Poon!

its her bdy! 

the game supposed to end by 7pm but it ended nearly 8.30 because of the rain that caused the delay. but was glad i managed to meet Mother Poon for dinner on a birth day.

was also torn between the team dinner as well as another church friend's bday dinner.

everyone wants today!

lastly, ytd's was this girl's bday.

just wanna thank God for someone so special like her. 

and special to me.

its like, we can just look at things/ppl, then start laughing out loud to ourselves, in full confidence that we're on the same wavelength w/o communicating with each other. hahas.

lastly, had MA1 (higher maths) exam last fri.

i want to be proud and say that i'm gonna get full marks. exam was given 1.5 hrs and i finished it in 15mins. and because our tchr told us dun leave the exam hall so early, i waited till about 25mins before leaving. hahasahhahas.

bhb.

i dun like to leave the exam hall early, but this one really too long la. go out study m11 better.

but feels smart again to follow mathematics rule and solve complicating questions. it's really just about following SOPs.

really, thank u God for a good week. 

and i even managed to catch a late night movie at the cinemas on fri night and still be able to manage the whole of today and complete this blog post now.

thank u everyone. (:

the last stand

"and if we do get into a fight... good. all the more better. the ref can't card 20 ppl off the field like that."

last trng of the season.
Finals on Sat.
everything was laid out on the table, or rather, within the circle of trust.
words are spoken. and some promises are to be made.
for we will go in hard and not regret.



after trng, we had a brief prep talk.
the last 1.5 days before we step into the field again.
idk but those heartfelt words spoken by my teammates really did pull some chords in my heart.
it did spur me to ask myself more questions.
its like trying to start a fire- the primitive way.





though i'm weary, tonight's gonna be a long night.






-



i always watch the 8pm 9pm hk drama shows, the repeated one at 11am and 12am respectively.
recently, there's this 8pm one, [ 巴不得媽媽 ]. quite funny.
but there's this character that i feel that i can relate so much to. so much so what when they play that reoccuring background music about the couple, i just want to shed a tear for myself. not out of sadness, but just like a sympathetic one coz i feel her so much.



she's a artistic renovation girl who does the paint work. and there's this guy rich marketing guy who's after her after unknowingly being inspired by her artistic talents and has taken her as his muse.  basically, its about a boy and a girl, initial loggerheads who unknowingly care so much for each other. but because they both belong to v different worlds and background, the friendship and eventual relationship becomes a rocky path.



and so, whenever they qurrel or go into those emo scene... there's this song playing in the bg.






so here's the song.


Seperate Lives by Phil Colins.

You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when you're alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can't go on just holding on to time
Now that we're living separate lives

Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we're living (living)
Separate lives

Ooh, it's so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Yes for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Separate lives






yea. hahas. i dun think i'm that of a lover girl. never like all those hearts, doves and butterfly-ish backgrounds.... but i relate to it so much that it becomes a reflection for myself.


as for now,
i'm taking escapism as a form of solution. may not be the best, but whatever works, works.
there's really so much thing elsewhere that requires my attention, be it i like it or not.



no, not you.

post

finally a day that i can rest. wed is usually gym/run day. but i've decided to rest after a loonggg satsunmontue of good and intense games/ activities/ trngs.
God bless my legs and back.



Higher maths exam on fri. and The M11 paper on tues.

not that worried for the paper on fri coz i always loved maths. and yea, looking at the amt of hints we've gotten, its really hard not to pass. not saying tt i'm smart, but if u looked at the questions hints we're getting............ yea.
hahas. so now, its just M11 studying. quite done with the mechanical, now focusing on the avionics part.



and so..
ytd, after trng, as i sat on the track and took off my boots, i was really tired. the surrounding was quiet.
i looked up at the sky and saw a plane fly by, and another one quite soon after.


... the nav lights blinking.
... the sound of the engines allowing the plane to hover across the moon-lit sky like that.
altogether. re-mixed with those little blinking linearly flying flights against the night sky with faint shining starts being watermarked by clouds.



and i realized that i've been away from a plane for quite some time alrdy. its kinda weird coz i'm actually having those fuzzy mixed feelings, and secretly missing those seemingly life-less planes. its weird because as i looked at how it roared across the quiet sky, i just felt so once-attached to it. i still am, but just physically distant. for now that is.


sucha hugeass vehicle but she just needs delicate care and to some extent, intricate maintenance.
humble. yet magnificent.
so dependent. yet so reliant.

honestly, i've never expected myself to grown such feelings for anything so mechnical and man-made... plain ol' machinery; and i guess the 1 month OJT did have an impact. it did assured me of certain things in life. what i wanted. what i didn't want.
i really miss the airside at changi. ups and downs, good and bad, everything.
the people. the smiles.
the suave pilots and esp that thai airasia female pilot.
the lunch breaks. the time singing to Kiss 92 FM in the van.
the heavy rain with useless window wipers.
the cold nights alone with the planes. the sunrise with its awakening morng dew.
the sights and sounds.




idk but its all so mixed inside.
so mixed. but yet with confidence.





its March alrdy.
and its soon going to be that time i start thinking about these annual stuff.
if i eventually do again, i hope that its just because its habitual / routine and not intended.
for i can safely say (even with more assurance this time round), that i've learnt to let go of the baggages that's not going to help you move on in life as a happy, carefree and focused person.
u know, its like jettisoning fuel to meet the MLW (max landing weight) so u dont land heavily and secretly cause stress fractures and undetected devasting demages which can eventually prove to be the detrimental causes.




slowly, but surely in faith.



giving it all up to allow space for more.
not letting ur thoughts run wild.
keepin' em safe and sound.


soon and very soon, i'm goona be back on the ground.
more realistic this time round.
and i shall model the attitude of an airplane.

an airplane takes off against the wind,

not with it.  

(:

my first Urbanathlon

ok, let me start with my epic Sat briefly first.

morng 2 touch games.

evening 1.25 contact games.

was a good saturday. the blazing hot in the morning and a sudden massive downpour later in the evening. the touch games went well; won the Womens, lost the Mixed (against our stronger team) but well played for both! (: 

evening played for my club in the last 10mins. was able to do one good pass to juan coming in at the wing but didn't have enough time to finish it off. then helped another club play 10s, coz they didn't have numbers. full out. didn't want to give my 100%, not because it wasn't my club, but because i didn't want to be that sore for the next day nor risk any injury. hahas

but because everyone gave their best, did their best and i felt it, hence, i gave my best as well. could have been harder in my tackles; missed a few. but assisted a few tries. (: was quite a good game i must say. 2nd round last yr, the team against the same opposition was 89-0. hahahahs. yea, and this time, it was 50-28 if i'm not wrong. maybe coz it's 10s instead of 15s.. but i really enjoyed myself.

that's the thing about team sport.

when everyone starts giving their best and not only playing for the club but for each other, it just makes things a whole more special and meaningful. words can't really describe the distance covered. (:

and so, whole day, i was stretching it out. and secretly worried for next day.

coz, i finished my saturday by 9.30pm and got home by 10pm. wah. ate bath and add some carbs for dinner before 11pm and forced myself to be in bed before 12am, and abit anxious coz i know i've got less than 8hours for my sore legs to recover.

and so. woke up at an unearthly time of 5.30am. 

the moment i woke up, i felt the weight of the world on my legs, shoulders and neck. ahahas. 

sore to the core, despite wearing my trusty recovery Skins to slp. 

ate the microwaveable AuntyJenna's waffles for some energy food.

ahahha. still early. so played candycrush.

soon. found myself parking illegaly beside the army market food court to go nicholl highway. many ppl parked there as well. i guess there were better places to park, but that was ok for me. 

walked to open field beside nicholl highway and i realize i was just 30mins before flag off time.

and even before anything, my legs were sooree alrdy. tsk tsk.

to sum up the race first, i've never felt so proud about completing any runs before. 

this by far gg to be the most memorable one, being my first. 

and my journey was completed with Zara. (: pacing each other, encouraging each other and just making the loong 14km seemed so bearable and awalkinthepark (ok. this is an understatement).

ok. the 2 most memorable long runs in my life were 1) the 10k Salomon trail run at tampines bike parks. lotsa steep climbs i tell you. and i completed it in 1h 10mins. not a fast timing, but its not my kind of timing. hahas. idk how i got that kind of timing. i hate long d, but i'm doing it to keep up my cardio work. but it was good. maybe coz of the nature of the run and some more at my old homie trail where i used to go.

2) the energizer night trail run. did quite well there coz though it was just 7km, the climbs were steep. and steep meaning, there were ropes to assist you in ur 'run' up. hahhahs. everyone was climbing. and its at lorong asrana, in the night, pitch back, with headlights. and i guess i did quite a good timing because i didn't want to be alone in the dark so i'm always pushing myself to run further to the next group of runners. ahhahahas.

anway, those are just runs with climbs.

but this run was just different.

more challenging in an interesting way.

this urbanathlon, 9 obstacles. 14 km. 

here's a vid from FB. 

here's the obstacles and route.

and its the first time they're finally opening up to the ladies.

never done anything more than 12km before. 

ok, it was easier that i thought. not because it was easy or i'm damn fit or what, but because, prior to the run, i was really psyching up myself to tell myself that the obstacles were tough and so on. my top 2 fears were the parallel bars and the inclined monkey bars. ahhas. in the end, the monkey bars were so easy. i guess coz they're spaced not so far out. but the parallel bars were just... grrrr.

failure of any of the obstacles meant an addition 5mins to ur timing.

ok, i shall do this systematically. 

(shall insert photos soon when they're up on the web. photos are from Men's Health FB and Running Shots on FB as well. regret not running with my cam)

the run was flagged off in waves to prevent congestion.

we set off in the last wave. takin' it chill. and the emcee was super funny. he was like.. "and now... we present to you.. The. Last wave. for. Men Health' Urbanathalon 2013....*inserts digital crowd clapping sound*. even though u are in the last wave, it does not mean that u'll be the last..." and he went on to make it that it was a grand thing to be in The Last Wave. ahhhaahahas

and beeeepppp... off we go.

after running about 2km down the F1 track part along with nice sun..

obstacle 1:  Wall Street.

basically its to climb up this container (those bigass cargo metal ones) 2.6m high with a 1m step up. ok, been long since i've scaled a wall. last time was when i was damn young (like 10 yrs old kind. light and fit from all the 'Catching'). and...i couldnt do it! so disappointing but there was this japanese-looking guy runner who helped me up after helping my friend up as well. (: and he continued to help others. hahas. so nice. (: so considered it as obstacle-cleared. hahas.

and less than 1km..

obstacle 2: the Corporate Ladder.

8 flights of stairs of the viewing platform for the Floating field at marina bay. knn. 800 steps in all. felt like an incorporation of the swissotel vertical marathon. hahas. lotsa ppl walking up. 90%.

wanted to jog up 2 step-up at a time. coz vertical is my forte la and to end that pain up is to do it fast. all that lower power trng we do for rugby comes handy. so both of us jogged up if we had the opportunity.

once we're done and down the last flight, u can feel ur thighs burning. had to stretch my hammies to prevent my back from stiffening up. and by then i couldn't decipher if the ache was from ytd's game or the run so far. it doesn't matter though. ahhahas

next, abt 2 km down MBS to...

obstacle 3: the Quantum Leap.

5 sets of horizontal beams 1.3m high. was easy. did this before in trng with the garden wall at CCAB. hahhas. but they had sand paper so it cuts ur hands and knees if u're not careful.

enjoyed this station much. felt likka pro. 

like those robbers in hk dramas where they had to jump over fences on the run to get away from police. ahhahs

and then less than a km to..

obstacle 4: the Network.

by then, it was a bottle neck. had to queue. been long since i've climbed the nets. hahas i grew up with such nets ok. father poon used to bring me to the playground to play. so this was homeground for me. AHHAS. but it was muddy. and since everyone was on it, it was shaky and moving slow. means, it required more energy to keep balance and remain on the net while the front guy is waiting for the front front guy and so on. hahas. 

ok and this was a loooongggg run up to Fort Canning through Clarke Quay and all.

basket. after up the overhead bridges, we faced hills and more hills. the hills felt like an obstacle itself. there was one particular hill that was for abt 150m with an inclination that looked like 30 deg or even 45 if its possible. zara and i sprinted up just for fun coz we wanted to end it fast. wha. when we reached the top and slowed down, u can feel a gush of lactic acid. and soon enough, u're facing with stairs and more stairs.  and so... after duno how long....

obstacle 5: Workload

carry 20kg of wet sandbag and run 100m.

no problem. again, we did this before in rugby trngs when we had to run round the field or workout with the more atas sand bags (red or blue coloured ones, back in the days at SA) anyways, not all the bags were 20kg. some were i think less than 15kg. maybe 12kg. of course, i picked up the light one. no one ran la. everyone walked through it. hahas. halfway through, there was this girl struggling, with her boyfriend. u can't go back coz we're given one attempt for this, and failure would mean the 5mins penalty (if we cared la) hahas. her boyfriend took the heavier one. and when she dropped her bag, she couldn't lift it up; and it also didn't make sense to swop with her bf or what. she just had to do it. but idk y her bf didn't want to drop his sandbag to help her bring the sandbag up to her shoulders la. anyway, my partner and i tried to help her but i think she like shagged out alrdy coz she couldn't even get it up her shoulders with both of us helping.  so i heroically passed her my lighter one and took hers. (secretly achieving my dream of being a fireman- helping others in distress. wahhahs). her bag was probaby abt 17kg. the problem was not about walking with it but trying to get it up ur shoulders. had do a power-clean-like move to bring it up and being careful not to twist my goingtobestiff back. 

(: felt so proud of myself. hahahhahas. but the mud water made sweaty shirt more gross with mud water, having more than half the journey to go still.

water points here and there, still up at Fortcanning park where i saw a couple drinking their isotonic drink with a 交杯酒 fashion. hahahhahha oookkkk. 

obstacle 6: Monkey Business

5m monkey-bar. inclined. mentioned about it earlier. they ran out of chalk. so the bars were abit slippery. but just keep the momentum and it was fun. e bars were quite high off the ground too, so it was another motivation for me to not drop and swing through it well. 

happy that i was done with it w/o much effort struggle. (:

finally down the hill, suppoting the saying of "what goes up must come down".

not so friendly on the knees. and by then, my k-tape on my knees were coming off from all the abrasion, water and movement. and by then, most of the runners were walking. quite surprised and zara and i could still go on. we took some walks, but managed to paced up again. hahas. we're trained with intervals and recovery, so our pattern of run are always like sprint-jog-sprint-jog and not jog full out. but of course, with 14k, no sprints la just faster jogs to compensate for the fast walks. 

obstacle 7: Mind Map

roughly back near Clarkquay. this one just some obstacle with tyres and boxes. they weren't really strict with the girls coz the obstacles were really too far out. can't jump safely enough. so touching the ground was ok la, just show that u put in effort can liao. HAHAHS. quite a forgetful obstacle though. 

about 2km down was the next obstacle...

obstacle 8: Lateral Move.

BAH. failed this one. 

2 sets of 6-m parallel bars. 

must bring urself across by pure brutal strength of ur arms for the first set and using ur core for the 2nd set. the arms one was mad, i think  i travelled like 1m and like drop down. ahhahas. 2nd set was easy. coz again, did it before during trng. our trng was much tougher. coz our for our trng, every step we took with our hands (using the agility ladder) we had go down for one push up before moving to the next square... for about 12-16 times. anyway. since i dropped on the first set, i have failed the obstacle. ): hAHHS. but its ok! at least i tried. 

and another longer run back to under the fly over of ECP.... 

passing through the F1 tracks again.

obstacle 9: Down and Dirty.

hahahs. probably my most fav coz its the most useful one. run through the container filled with mud and ice (those containers at the back of trucks to fill up with sand).. abt 1m deep. and surprise to know that there's still so much ice despite all the heat and runners. everyone was shouting "milo peng" "teh peng here!" ahhahs. coz the water of the diff containers were of diff colour. shades of brown or grey (possibly from the un-filtered concrete)

took out our shoes first after choosing the best container (which didnt make a diff). super cold. should have slowered my pace and stayed in it longer. it was really a good and probably the best solution for recovery. but it was gross. hahahhas

and while putting on my shoes, aaallmosttt crammped up my left calf. felt it and immediately release the pressure off. HEING. hahas. 

and soon, it was the last stretch of 750m to the end point!!!!

i was damn happy k.

both of us sprinted our last stride back. i tried to give my all but my legs were heavyy.

and ta-dah!!! we made it. hahahs.

what.a.journey.

first time running with a friend in an event like this, and it was really fun. dont really know her very well, only trained with her a few times during our combined trngs. got to know a friend better and made the journey even more memorable. hahas

to sum it up, i'm proud of myself coz i was able to give my best and look forward. 

and it was more bearable than i expected it to be. though it was 14km, we took about 2hr 20mins with all the obstacles, waiting time and so on. but I must say that up the fortcanning park was The One la. hahas. and imagine they put the stairs obstacle (obstacle 2) at last. ahhas. i think i'll just roll down. and honestly, i thought that we would be the most cuii one around. coz most of the guys looked so fit and buff to a certain extent. but i'm quite proud to say that we overtook some of the guys and had the same pace as some of the other guys. 

i like this kind of event that its not just purely on a long run. coz it really evens out the race actually. 

glad to meet some other friends at the run too! saw about 10 of them.. and somemore familiar faces i always see in my respective schs/ sporting scenes. some were fellow participants marshalls, some tending the stalls. and of course, my awesome church friends ! its always with these 2 guys. (: been through quite alot tgt, not just in church but the thailand mission buddies as well. (:

homed. rested. totally nua-tiao on the sofa after a loong bath.

supposed to have trng at 10am. but of course i've totally exhausted all my energy.

and dinner with the nonsense gang. (: 

i love this wkend. 

and i just wanna thank God for keeping me safe and allowing me to have so much good memories.