touch.

i recieved a call from sc to play touch for them for friendly.

i thought it was like fun fun. then.... it was an event!
whoas.
3-9pm touch straight. with breaks luh.
played many 10 min games. ref-ed some with bren and eunice. gd trng ground for me.


now, my legs feel super suan.
both my legs have wounds on the knees and blisters and the toes.
both the legs.



met up with some friends for dinner. (:
almost lost my water bottle but went back to find it.
oh yea. i bumped into JAMIN(: that was when i realised that i super miss my group. esteeloi joellechoo yvonnesim gabriellee and yes, jaminchoe.

then while at ice cube, saw a few of the national bowlers that i knew. they were talking bowling language as usual. and i also realised, i really miss my bowling circle. i miss how we can just immerse ourselves in bowling talk for the whole day. omg.




i miss too many things.
i hate to be secretly sentimental.
i need to learn to seriously let go.




i'm sorry to whine and be all emo again.
but life feels empty.
w/o you, life is just... different.
hi, there i go again.








ARGHGIORHPOAIRPOAIUP40AWURPAWRKW;E[P.X./ IF ONLY, things can just be cleared up. WHY MAN. WHY.

Street Fighter

watched that today.


Chun-Li.
i can wish to be like her.
strong and killer.




kristen kreuk. hotXxXxXXX wOrHXxXx.
hahahhas.
future angelina jolie.




haha.
give chicken can.. my new joke.
hahas. give Ji Hui. aka. opportunity.

ahahhas




glad to spend with with ppl from church. also the netball girls at hortpark in the afternoon. hahas.

turf

hahas. make it a quick one.
real tired.


happy to ref tp vs pirates game. know both sides. haha. so more merciful. learnt alot for chris. he's really a pro. very sharp guy.
so much better than refree-ing LFS game.


womens b game. i think we didn't play well. honestly, we could have won. but really everything wasn't on our side. i played bad. a few times i knew i was too focused on subbing out and didn't off load the ball fast enough.
its like.. precious moments like this.
so.. DRAW. omg. yea. we so needed to win that game.


then back to back, was the mixed. ahhas.
my first time playing in a mixed category. i was put as center! ah. was super scared. haha. no self-esteem pls. but quite proud of myself. no drop balls. and i caught all of the guys fast spinning balls. hahahahhas. did a few mistakes here and there but not major ones. hahas. i rmbr seeing dil and mavis panting like mad after they just sub out before i subbed in. hahhahs. damn scared. it was like.. less than 3 attacks to make u pant like mad. but yea. i had fun. i guess coz everyone's more daring to try out the moves.


in fell quite a no. of times today. particularly in the womens b game. both my knees are scratchhed. haha. u know. its those.. not so deep not so severe... light massive scratches. when i bathe just now.. omg omg omg. i literally screamed w/o letting any loud noise come out. hahahas. the whole bathing experience was killer. burning man. now, when the knee is bend for a period of time and then stretched.... WHOAS. pain. vice versa.

i think i need to put medicine to make it wet. super burning man. pus everywhere.

this ppl makes touch LOVE.


after my usual sat stuff. decided to go church and meet friends. missed them. wanted to have gd dinner with them. but then.. its the meetings again. SIGH. so i played the piano while waiting for about 2hrs for them. then we went out for dinner in the end. (: really wanted to spend time with m girls and all.


haiz. seriously.
meetings meetings meetings.



but all in all. thank God for today.
i had good fun.

lunchhh.

well. i woke up to meet aunty elaine for lunch. ahhas.
it was a gd lunch.
had a good talk about the trip.
(:




damn scary.
i think u're reading my blog.





on the way back home i was thinking, again. haha.
i think i'm different when i'm in person and when i'm blogging.
actually, to put it simply, my thoughts dont really coincide with my actions. well, not exactly.
ahhas.
its like. on the front, i am strong.
at the back... hmms. not exactly weak also. HAHA.
i dont think i want or need anyone to understand me.
listening ear? hahs. i'll just prolly decline it.



haha. i should seriously consider taking up psychology. i think i can super comprehend every concepts.







i need a life. next week.
haha. i'm gonna take this week as a recovery period for my trip. hahas.
i need to bike soon.
tmr. refeering one game, and playing 2 games back to back. abit scared. 2nd game's the mixed category. i dont like playing with guys. i get intimidated easily.



step up marian, step up.
it's time.
focus.

confessions

i watched Confessions of a Shopaholic with some of my photog friends today! hahas. quite a typically gd movie. quite hilarious. hahas. yea.

go watch it.

then had rochor tau huay with jojo and suan! (: hahas. its gd to meet up with them.. one dreadfully in SIP, the other, gg Cambodia for OCP next wk. haha. dickson's in pengerang now. hahas. i think 5 days or smth.. and not even gg Desaru. wonder what will the route be like. ahahs




b4 meeting up with them... i went to search for some stuff. while searching.. i asked myself.. really. what is it that i'm looking for. why do i even bother to go to such extent? why am i even putting in this kind of effort? what do i see? i know i dont want this. maybe i'm just being nice. that's probably me. for another thing, lately, i've been thinking of u again. its like. ok. i'm really clear with myself that i'm through with it. omg. can someone just kill me pls.




hahas. speaking of which. my mum told me that on 2 mondays ago, she dreamt that my dad wanted to take me with him. OoOoohhhhhhhs. HAHAHAH. yea. and like.. she pulled me back saying that i haven't finished studying and all those. hahas. like omg. am i really gg to die soon? hahahs. if i do, boy, i think he will live in regret; not being able to clear things up with me after all these yrs. HAH. and u havent even accept my friend request. ahahhs. this is so primary sch; "i dont friend you already."




probably, i'm too free. i idle my time away too much. been so lazy to even wake up to go and swim or like cycle or anything. haiz. and when i dont have the time, i complain. now, what is it that i want. i think, i really need to be really busy to be myself. this is bad. i dont know how to enjoy life. :\




seriously, no offence, but i dont like you guys. not only can they hurt the girls bad, they take the girl's girlfriends along with them. whats their problem man. and girls, on the other hand, listens too much, succumbing to the honey talks of those ppl. ERKS. why can't we all just... love the world more than loving ourselves. no. let me correct that, we all should just love God more than anything else. then comes the world- in a sense.. the ppl around and not fame fortune or whatsoever. i feel so.. not grown up. so... immature premature. so... brittle.


i can't trust any human being on earth. they'll let you down, even the best ones.




i've been fighting with myself over this for quite some time already- why can't i love God as much as i loved you? why can't i treasure my relationship with God just like how i treasure mine with you. why can't i sacrifice more for God.







why.

last night,
i had a hard time sleeping.

i was coughing for 1 hr when i laid my head on my sweet pillow.
coughing all day.
my left calf was also aching. its not those short-lived sharp cramps... its like.. a suttle long sheer pain.


so.
mum came into the room prepared, shoving in a spoon full of disgusting black cough mixture. hahas. i went to the kitchen and get my hotpack and placed it under my calf to loosen the muscle.



crazy.



woke up at 2pm. felt sick whole day.
nonetheless. i went for trng! hahas. field closed. so we did fitness at the small grass patch at the sides. suicides, normal drills and stuff.
thank God it wasn't that tiring.




i've really been thinking alot lately.
i really dont know it i've got the courage and energy to start it all over again.
i dont want. i'm not exactly lost u know. i'm just being whiny, irritating and hesitant. i need to talk to you. like soon. like... real soon. i dont know what's up. oh man. so emo. i need life.

i love benjamin.

i seriously love him.


haha. looking through the photos, i really feel like booking a flight all the way back, and ask boontong to drive me 5hrs up back and just play with him.


hahahs. i sound wrong.
hahas. but seriously.... BENJAMIN!
on my msn dp, desktop, phone... everywhere.



hahah.

oh yea. boontong & uncle asholi replied my emails today! ((:
i am missing them alot right now.



anyways. today. DAY ONE at work.
i finally knew about the company's name. honestly, cultural shock. its like.. back in tp... with all the CHEERS and TP-OIE stuff.

hakim would love it.

hahas. omg. and. its so NOT MARKETING job. its more towards sales promotion. selling donation tickets on the street. $10 each.
i sold 8 in 3.5hrs on a weekday afternoon ok. clap hands pls.


to me. i really found no job satisfaction. as in.. i can't live with like.... getting paid to do charity. if really going all out right, why don't use my PAY as donation. hahas. i'm not that generous... as in.. i work for money. i'm in no position to work just for the fun with it. i need the $ to do/get stuff.


anyways. so yea. went to the office at 930am. irony that my station is at BUGIS. (my SIP place) hahas. i'm like cursed with work at BUGIS. everything's up to no good. ahhas. b4 set off.. cheer like mad. its.. " XXXXX oie.... XXXX oie..." then it goes on into the COMPANY'S cheer. tp-oie max. (estee. are u reading this. ahhahhhahas.)


so yes. i was totally ugh by it. not that i'm proud arrogant or what.. but really so not my expectation. plus i'm still in my very physically sick mode. not in the mood for such. i just want to hurry get down to do the job well. heck with all the adamkhoo stuff.


hahas. my leader/trainer... really like a lecturer. super straight. super SOPed. its not as if i dont have PR skills or this kind of experience. i've done this b4. had to like shadow him for 1hr... learning from him. and from the time i met him, he was like almost compressing the whole of Sales Management subject- vocally teaching me each step of the way, literally. like on the bus and all.. (do note that i'm still sick and really sian abt everything). hahas. but, he's nice, patient, harmless, christian, highly enthu and very positive. at the place, i got soooo irritated by the whole thing.. i just told him... that i needed to learn on my own as shadowing him would just be a waste of time. haha. that was just like 15mins? hahahahahs.


but ok. i did meet all kinds of Singaporeans today. there's this middle age uncle.. super nice. he bought one tix from me coz he see me so small, with such a big bag.. walking around.. ahhas. aka- took pity on me. we chatted for awhile. it was a nice chat. yea. then like made friends with ppl giving out flyers outside bugis mrt station. ahhas. it was like a mutual we-are-in-the-same-boat feeling. ahhas.




after that, i went for my class. super fun. but super tired.


then met up with mummy for dinner. haven't had gd dinner with her for long. ate at MOF, shopped for awhile. bought a bag because it was nice and not for a very useful purpose anyway. but we liked it.



at the restaurant, we're kinda surrounded by PMEBs. was taking a gd look at the ppl around me. u can tell.. some met up because they were old time friends. some... just for girly chats. something caught my attention was... there was no business man eating dinner all alone... however, there were a couple of single business woman sitting and eating dinner alone. thus, it got me thinking.


hahas.
do i really want that kind of life- enjoying good food all alone. because of the so many things that has happened, i did mention that i've thought of living up to my 4th spiritual gift- celibacy. hahas. (:
then again, i really want to be a fireman. i would be having dinner with collegues that love to eat (i guess, and i hope). putting my family at risk? do i really want to?

been trying to get in, get out, get in, pull out. i dont want to recieve wrong msges nor send wrong ones. nice to be in. but there's an out. i just... i just can't decide who i want to be. EHHHWS.that's like. identity crisis.



haha. heck it.



watching ballet videos now. whoots. HAHA.



my friends. top photo, 2009. bottom 2, 2006.

adjusting

this morng. took a bus down to return my lens and back.
brought my laptop with me to do the photos. took like 2hrs and all to sort them.

been coughing mad.


missing thailand. looking at the photos doesn't help. haha.
its like.. just yesterday, i was in unc asholi's hse. i was in the car. i was at uncle james' res. now, i'm like.. back in bedok. back to where i stay.

haha.



this is really the post-thailand syndrome.

i love benjamin.
my camera loves him too.


Joy From Within
my personal fav shot.


De Fence
I like this shot although I feel that he wood shouldn't been blocking his face. But even with that piece of wood blocking his face, you know that he is one happy little kid.


Sweet Childhood
And... here's the both of them.
They were just happily playing together when i came with my camera. They were just amazed that they could see themselves through the small screen.


Looking Through
Benjamin's good friend. She loves to eat berries.


Cornered
Found this little boy at this village. He didn't seem to want to play with me. ): Unlike other villages, he seemed alone.


Stand Guard
Unlike Singapore kids, as long as they are able to walk, they are on their own.


In the Making...
At that age, we could only play with toy cars and dolls.


The Gift of Hope
This is Benjamin. Met him during my March N. Thailand mission trip just last week. He's got a captivating smile.
His dad left, leaving his mother with 2 small boys to bring up. Benjamin is still just as happy.

i want to be a villager

i really miss that place. ALOT.
i'm back with 1,857; 2.91GB loads of photos and videos. and i didn't really shoot in super high res.


i treasure those photos.
alot.




b4 i get into the mood of Singapore, i'd better blog about all that i have to say.



well, this trip... to me... i went with a heart that's unprepared. and yea, i did face my expected set of probs. on the bright side, this trip was really a spiritual rope that pulls me back to where i'm supposed to be.

i'm like deterring from the path that's so-called 'right'.


the evangelistic part was really a struggle to me. but this trip, because of the special nature of it which i can't really explain here, things are done quite differently from how we usually do it. but all i can say is that i really really enjoyed myself with the team. there were only the 11 of us, and out of this 11, 8 are youths. eve, sam, faith, rain, peter, jonathan, emma, and i. peter's like the doctor and the youth- basically everything.




i found myself a little tired out at first because quite a no. of the memebers are new or haven't really gone for a while. i felt alittle uncomfortable by how things were carried out (also because of the nature of the trip). honestly, there were times, i can say that, we really took prayer for granted.


we didn't pray b4 we 'performed', before we travelled and all. we just took God's grace for granted and went on to do the stuff that we needed to do. i'm acutally quite unhappy about that and honestly, really wanted to talk to one the the liangs who weren't there. ahhas. over there, the ppl i really missed were the liangs, the lums, and joel nah. hahahas. joel nah's like our resident akha translator. haha. but i'm glad that there was this nite that we sat down and talked about our struggles and really had a great ball of a time- in the dark (making funny noises and discovering new found talents amongst us.) HAHHA.





we did face some attacks. mainly, the usual sick viruses. uncle james and i were coughing. he's even down with fever. i had the flu. major flu- where i can't even open my eyes kind. and, towards e end, even Boonthong fell sick. boonthong's sort of like our resident thai driver, strong big gentle giant, he fell sick. that's how bad the pollution was that's caused by the slashing season- burning of the fields. also, on the day of departure- jonathan didn't have a ticket. like omg. shocked and shaken. haha. in the end, he got the ticket the next day. boonthong drove like for about 4 hours through the really whining road just to get him and back. the villages we went too were pretty much inaccessible as the roads were really bumpy.

the youths had our fair share of fun sitting at the back of the pick up truck with all the dust flying. we're literally suffering; but in laughter. hahas. oh yea. eve, uncle james and i bathe in the hot spring. shiok hot water but thats also where aunty elaine slipped and had a deeeep cut on her foot. 6 stitches yow- by our dr. peter moeyy. haha.




when the team went back to Singapore, leaving me with uncle james all alone, was sad ok. really wanted like one of them to stay on with me. hahas. so yea, the extra 2 days was spent recce-ing the new villages for the dec trip. honestly, i had fun. all thanks to boonthong. we really became good friends through this wk esp during these last 3 days. just like yesterday, we visited 7 villages. was super tired. while uncle james speaks to the headman of the villages, boonthong and i would explore round the villages, taking photos and seeing weird plants. on the day b4, we even went to a village at night that really didn't have electricity at all. it was pitch black. when we arrived, the kids were like playing in the dark like as if they had super sonic eyes to see each other.





tired. uncle a and aunty p was also there. we stayed in their house. hahas. (:


so anyway.

i've really got alot of things to say. but i guess i can type all these just for now. will post some photos up here on this post. or, pls go facebook much later on. (: can only post photos of us and not of the specific villages or mission partners.


so as of now, my face is covered with mosquito bites and my fingers- wierd bites. hahas.
i'm like trying to move back into the pace of singapore. with the active facebook and 104 new emails, i feel like a mountain tortoise.
currently, i just feeling that i dont need all these stuff. i dont need my bike, touch, bowling, facebook, trainings, dance and all. i just need God, food, and fellowship. i know that i'm still trying to find that thin line of balance.



on the final note,
kinda thought out of it already. u know facebook, when u had an account, u didn't add me while u added all the friends. hahahs. we've probably have like 70 over mutual friends and your name keeps appearing on the 'friend you may know' section. so irritating. u know, in thailand, i really thought of u. and u know i had a major discovery. uncle james actually READ the note i WROTE TO YOU. yes. he said he found it on the floor/ in his car... he read it, and THROW IT AWAY. omgs. i was literally dumb folded. hahas. the whole feeling of it is just wierd. i'm actually quite clear of how i feel about this whole thing right now, like finally. just waiting for u to wake up i guess. hahas. i'm out of it, so i've decided, ok, i should really grow up. learn to put things aside and really mean it. so yea, i've decided to take that step to just add u on fb. sounds stupidly childish, but really. for the amount and weight of things that we've gone through, that click to me- has finally lost its meaning. so i clicked 'add as friend' today. ahha. and indeed, i hope that i've really added u as my friend and that't it. i can't be bothered to go think anymore about all this nonsense.


now, i just got to adjust life, set some priorities and seek stuff that pleases God that makes me genuinely happy. but well, i do miss touch alot. i do miss my bicycle alot. hahas.






HAIZ. i want to be a villager.

last note

b4 i leave...

i thought my last post would be my last. but yea. this one.

:\


i duno why. but right now. i just finished packing and everything. been blasting myself will Hillsongs with iTunes... excellent.


in fact. i was packing my room alittle b4 i leave. i came by some stuff that was from u. had a box loads of stuff. stuff that u gave. stuff that tells stories. hahas. heck it. thats not the point.


there's so much random questions running through my mind. questions that don't matter. its like a train of analysis.


situations mould ppl. adults thinking like teenagers. ppl blogging for attention. sports injuries. my mum. when mum's older. when my friends go NS. 5 months later. sports ppl get misjudged. ppl show favouritism towards other ppl. bgr. unwanted bgr. injustice. not sleeping early when you can. ppl not optimizing time. facebook is getting mad. economy is changing perspectives. national sporting groups.

and the list goes on...


really. it really shows how i'm not focused, unprepared, and ready to get hit by the greatest force if i'm not careful. i really pray. pray for protection. for obedience. for humility. for grace. for love. for patience. for hope. and for, heart.



amen.

one week.

and so, i'm off to thailand. the main team will be back on Friday, 330pm. and for uncle james and i who would be staying for another 2 day to recee, will be back on Sunday; time-unknown. haha.

we're gg to 2 villages this time as it's quite a small (and rushed) trip, combined with some ppl from St. Paul's. apparently, i recieved news in the afternoon that there's this huge tree that has fallen and has blocked the passage way to get to the village. so yea. pls pray.


honestly, i'm spiritually feeling very unprepared.
mentally, still ok.


keep praying.
and, i haven't packed yet. time is 11pm now. hahas. hoho.

boooza.

the morng test was like. ok. fun. could solve all the patterns and number patterns. (: felt smart. but didn't have time to complete the number questions. AND. there's this reaction timing... should be pro at it coz i play DJ max on PSP. ahhas. BUT. after the test, i then realised that my Numlock was on. thus, i failed that whole section. haha. the simpliest section some more. damn. hah


after that.
came home.
attempted to pack room. halfway.. cycled to church for the final prac.


and then.. went night cycling!! met jamin jojo noel nick and suan! so happy that suan could come. haven't been riding with him because of his SIP.

was trying to learn how to jump the back part of my bike. its not some stunt thing k. its more liek safety thing. coz like sometimes... when u're on the road, u need to jump curbs.. i mean like.. its dangerous to like dismount and step up in the middle of the road.

haha. i'm very accident prone. not proud of it. but when the traffic lights turn green for the other side... i' always think its for my side. and when i go... like 4 cars will simultaneosly horn at me. can hear those deep curses from them. hahas. and and. while gg church at potong pasir...kinda made wrong turns and ended up semi on the expressway. so nervous. had to change lanes in the midst of all the circle line construction also. hahas. i even like asked God... "God, why am i here?". haha.


but yea. i had fun.


i thank God for giving me such a great time with my biker friends b4 i fly. (:


so yea. hhaha.

i PASSED.

my 5TH LESSON. haahhas.


i seriously think the instructor took pity on me. hahas.
i had alot of mistakes while changing gear and speed. hahahs. but because i could do cornering.. i was able to pass. hahahhaas.

a class of about 10? and i'm the only one who passed. WHOOOTS. and. the only one who has taken it 5 TIMES. hahhaas.


congradulate me pls. ahhas.
i think it'll be a while till i pass lesson 2 again. ahahhas.


such a boost of encouragement when i marjorly announced that i passed publicly on facebook. (: ahhahs.




wanted to go trng initially. but was super late alrdy. so ended up joining them for dinner. ahhas.


i enjoyed myself. we can just sit there and talk nonsense all day. ahahhas.





tmr i'm gg to wake up early for an Air Force interview. HAH. i'm so gg to tell them that airforce is just secondary. FIREMAN is first. hahahas. oh boy.
and.
i haven't packed for thailand yet.

the things.

i feel like eating airport's char kway teow now.
have been watching youtube. mountain biking, ballet and gymnastics. ahahs. especially those accidents.
watch this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYC92sUwCzQ&feature=related 175 km/h i think. hahas.


oh yea. results out. haha. 1A 2B+ 2B. ):
fell short by a weee bit to get a darn 3.
u know that there was this year, mission trip severly affected my grades coz i missed sch for 2 whole wks, including revision lecture. i came back on a sunday night and i had paper from mon-thurs. yea. that sem.. i had like 4 C+ 1B 1C. if all that C+ is a B, i think my gpa would be a gd 3 now. ):
but yea. i can't ask for more. that trip was gd. and God really used me then. hahas. i think i'm semi happy with my overall results. its not bad. but not good to go anywhere also.

will see!



hmm. today.
felt that trng was gd.



wasted e whole morng just watching tv and lazing around. supposed to pack my bag and cupboard and i didnt.


11th march. it could have been the 4th year. hahah. but heck it. ahhas.



i'm like reaching a 2-0 of age this year and facing struggless issues of a teenage life. hahas. not really like a pressing matter or what. just many many, many many thoughts about life. sian.


i need God more.




reading through blogs, i didn't realised how much i missed bowling. how bowling has hurt me, but has also strengthened me. i miss the team. i miss sammmmmm qinnnggg pinnnnngggg manda. i dont miss the c actually. HAHs. oh yes. and i super miss cys. wonder whats his avg now. hahas. omg. i'm evil. but yea. i haven lugged that heavy bag out of the house for a good erm... i can't even rmbr. since Singapore open.. nov? a good 4 months. and i think. i've apparently quiting COE without telling them. ahaha. i'd probably got so sad that i didn't get promoted and felt that its time i do smth about this. HAIZZZZ.




ok. tmr 5th lesson one. ahhahas. PLS MAJORLY PRAY FOR ME. i shall chant the steps of proper braking tmr. hahahs.

picnic.

i cycled to her house at 6am. ahhas. talk about healthy lifestyle man. the we cycled to ECP. met mel there at 7am. ahhas. then we cycled far down after Safra Resort. ahhas. nice un-Singapore-ish spot. (:

had picnic. a wide spread of food. lagasana, macaroni, bread, chocolate, milk... and so on. can't finish them. ahhas.
was fun. like a cool chill out thing. ahhas. (: had fun.
spoke to abby in US over the phone. hahas. miss geraldyne man!






HAH.

in ballet today, i did a complete set of technically perfect posse turns. (after failing in all the double pirouttes) hahahahs. ((:
abit shocked. but shiok and hard to repeat. ahhahas. my tchr was so proud of me. ahhahahah.

saw a youtube video "a Ballerina masks her strength with beauty". so true. ballet's v tiring. and.. u can't show it. unlike touch.. u can sub and be as unglam as u want. hahahahs.

happy Birthday mummy.

she's super old now.


slept till 2pm today.
flu's gone.
haha. sleep was the remedy.


sis and her fiancee went to try on Bridal stuff today.


so many choices! even the groom also had to choose from so many!

marriage.
haha. last night i dreamt abt u. eeerks.
speaking about marriage.
i think dating is fun. and its nice to be in a relationship.
but i guess at the present moment. i'm still having this... little 'hatred' towards guys in general. no offense. but i just dont think i'm able to put my 100% trust in anyone. hahas.


so we went for seafood dinner at defu lane 10.
to me, i felt abit.. erm... sad?
i duno luh.
these few days, i've been trying to find a motherboard in the house. i've been going through all of dad's stuff. each time i open a drawer... i can smell his smelly oil smell; but i like. it's his trademark. i'd think of the times he'd be at the corner trying to make something while i, being a kid, would like to jump on him and fully disturb him.

God, i miss him bad.
i know mum feels lonely. i know sis would probably feel the same way though she's not showing it max. i guess, the house still needs him although its been close to 5 yrs? time doesn't heal anything at this point. it just makes things don't seem so serious. but in ultra fact, time just leaves a permanent scar.

i miss dad. u know, i'd really give up everything and anything to have dad back. even my canon 30d, my violin, guitars, keyboard, ipod, my countless bags and even my bicycle and all its parts, i'm willing to sacrifice them all to get back my dad.
damn.

i miss having a family meal. each time when we have like a 'family meal', it's never ever complete. 4 is a nice number. and 3, just leaves an empty seat. never have we had a complete meal in ages. birthdays are just... not like colourful anymore. today, there is no cake. ): no photographs. nothing. just a nice dinner. perhaps i'm greedy, but i'm sad ok. ahhas.

u like like each time, i see a girl hold her dad's hand, i'd freakin squirm inside. especially when i go to those restaurants where family would go... at the corner of my eye, there would always be this family.. and this kid. and this dad. and both of them would be like.. bullying each other with humourous jokes- just like the past.

i dont mean to be emo. but i really miss dad.
no amount of words would bring him back.
no one, and i repeat, no one, will ever replace that void he's left.
i should not try, and will not try seeking for anyone/ anything in substitute.

sick.

and so.
i finally fall sick today.


flu bug with 6 days to thailand.
whoots.



oh yea. i mentioned that i wanted to make a R/L signal light for my bicycle right. ahhas. bought everything under $8 and then.. didn't by the motherboard. hhahahahs.

light nings.

called so many ppl like mad this morng.
dont like irresponsible ppl who don't turn up w/o informing. when called, not picked up.

any ways.
on the whole, i felt that the event was not well managed. i was stationed at the bie area. signages were compromised. no prior briefing to anyone, incluing volunteers. even managing the volunteers was bad.

was abit like sian about the confusion.. its like.. i want to be empowered to do more. i saw the organises resolving individual probs... but not curing the whole thing. haiz.
can't believe that adults can be sooo... erm.. like that. can't think. no PBL skills. 0.


so being me, i walked around.
looks like not even the transition area was in a mess.. the goodie pack also. infact when the volunteers reached at around 6am.. so badly orgainsed. shirt sizes were in a mess also because they apparently don't know that there's guy and girls sizing until i told them.


SERIOUSLY. everyone was doing the job as if to kill time or do finish the event. like.... not in any mindset of making everything go smoothly.

plus the rain. event delayed. starting times not stated clearly.

agitated, i left at 9am to turf. felt that i majorly wasted time and effort. BUT. because Crocs was one of the main sponsors, all volunteers MUST wear the cap and crocs shoes. ahhas. so i got them free. HAH. cheepo.


ok. so.



my first time refeering. LFS vs RP.
kns. i can't count 1-6.
1 2 3 4 5 5 6. so like.. i was be cursed most of the time.
there's one.. i saw a clear NO TOUCH as RP broke through to score. LFS argued with me probably i looked unconfident. i awarded the touchdown to RP. she argued. then i asked the player if she touched (despite having said NO TOUCH CLEAR out loud already) - so probably.. that made me looked v unsure or smth...
and she said this "ref, maybe u should better know the rules of the game b4 ref-fing the game". kns. i kept quiet. didn't want to make things bad. then when RP happily scored and forgot to take the ball back.. she continued "so ref. now u're not going to do ur job and shouldnt u give RP a penalty instead of standing here in this arguement? do your job ref." and she picks up the ball to the halfway line feeling undefeated. and all the while. i was just trying to listen to here without even defending myself. how great.


like.. WTH. it was my first time refreeing right. and not like ur team was loosing like mad right. ur score was like i think 9-1 or smth like that u still want to fight. kns. LFS no. 4. so what u senior player sia. u know, if i was more confident enough, i can call a SINBIN and OUT U GO for as long as i want. i know it my mistake for calling bad calls. but i'm the ref. u bloodly listen and shut up.
i will learn to be sharper in my judgement, but you- better learn to respect the ref.
because no matter how shit a ref can get, he/she is still the refree. may be get SINBIN next wk.



basket. haha. it happenned during the 2nd half then i cried sia. ahahs. siaow. and didn't want to ref the rest of the game. i was reffing with dilys and ju. hahahs. then i think whole day was affected liao.


had game at 1pm with bucks.
i feel that i'm always one step slower. but the one v gd thing i did was to dive to cover and successfully touch the def b4 she dived to score. i majorly owned my touch. bucks was also trying to ref the game. kept calling offsides by themselves and stuff. and when our whole line is like backing real hard to make the line... she came crashing up, shouting "ref! she's offside. isn't she offside! ". we're like. hahas. omg. we're making it back hard alrdy. u want u break through lah. when we're on then u die la. porks.



haiz.



then went howl the moon also.
was quite boring. i guess coz i was semi consious. i'm kinda like dying. eye's can't open.

ESTEEEE

(:


i bought my sleeping for cold nights. (: $149 with bargaining power till $110. but really. i told the lady my budget for a gd one is $100. so yea. haha out of pity. but really really. no $. so tight. dont like this feeling. hahas.

after that, i went Simlim Tower to get electronics to invent smth. AHHA. i'm gg to put BLUE L/R back signal lights to my bike. hope it will work. HAHAHHAHA.








so. meeting up with the group was again fun. talking nonsense till like forever. ahhas. i think we should have a grp name or smth.


hl came along too. ahhahs. looks so diff. boys who goes into army change. hahas. big change.



i got home at 1.30am.
time now is 2.13am.
i'm leaving my at 3am.
got to be at tamp MRT for 3.30am.


i'm like volunteering for the MILO triathalon. and how lucky i was... kenna Bus Captain. so i'm like recieving endless unknown calls and sms. gd thing is that they tell me their name. i'm leavning early for STL.


and and and.



I'M REFREE-ING TMR. haha. like finally have the courage to say yes, i want to refree. hAHHAH. so exciting. damn. i want to ref TP game. hahahs but i think i'm refreeing RP vs LFS game. i hope they're nice. i know one of the schs like to like ref the ref. i shall stand my ground. but i'm super scared. hahahs. i still not sure of those hand signals man.


okok. i've got like about half an hour more b4 i leave the house. ahhas. crazy girl.





oh yea. hahahs. saw this while walking to tanglin mall. ahhas. PET SOCIETY. HAHAHHA.

les.

hoho.
i failed my 4TH lesson one.
still can't brake properly.
HAHAHAHS.
mum's happy.
saw alvin neo there!


went for hour of power in church
i was actually pleasantly surprise. didn't expect to have so many ppl.
was nice actually.
made me rethink abt somestuff.
i thank God for godpa and godma. they are highly nice-happily-wed-couples.



so after that.
my friend brought me to a les club today.
saw nado! ((: my DJ shifu. hahas.
again, i'm inspired to spin those vinals again. but just dont know how to go about starting it seriously without spending $ on equippment. hahas. first time that i feel so hard to start smth that i love. hahs. $$$$$.

but yea.
saw MANY ppl that I KNOW there.
not really shocked... just like.. eh. u also here. hahah. small world.
in the club, i was thinking about alot of stuff. felt like a politician doing market research. the intensity of peer pressure is significant there man. i think if u can't hold strong to personal principles/values/whatever, dont even think about stepping an inch closer to those temptations.

for me.
i just know that i don't want to waste all those fitness that i've been through. ahhas. nuff said.


but yea. i enjoyed myself. not so much of trying to be on the dance floor and getting things right... but the company, and the experience. hahas. good market on field research i'd say. (:

leonghuat

i went there for a job interview
ahhas. found the job while reading the Newpaper at the hair dresser ytd.

not much detail abt it.


then..

it was an orgainisation that markets/campaigns charitable events. hahas. so when i said i go mission trips.. like sports and all the stuff i do in sch.. i think i'm kinda like in alrdy. ahahs. he told me to come to training and everything..



i liked trng today.
i felt that we played well tgt. ahhas. should have been like that for the game agaist pollypockets. wasted.



oh yea. did i mention? ytd while eating at this hawker... i had no tissue. so being me, i used my sleeve. hahah. it was not that dirty luh. i ate noodle soup. HAHA. then this uncle, opposite me... offered me tissue. hahahahs. omg. i think the uncle's like cleaner than me. hahas. no, i'm not proud of it. just feel that old uncles can be nice too huh.


ok. tmr. my 4TH lesson one. can't believe this. better chant the steps to braking while on my way there. ahahas.

oh yea. mavis told me she saw an accident on the highway. there's a tent. so probably someone died. and. it was a taxi and a... motorcycle. oh boy.

photo by Jamin.

blistered

i went for ballet today
and came home with a big blister.
5.30pm-8pm straight. tmr, i'll have aching legs. and because of touch and cycling, my thigh muscles are so fat that i can't do a proper turnout for ballet. tsk tsk.

):




hahas. this morng went to have lunch with aunty elaine and see slping bags. (:
had a good time.


cut and highlighted my hair with the old colour. ahhas. yay.

my first trail.

morng. met up with jeff jamin jojo and dickson. dickson didn't join us for the trail as he did it in the morng. hahas. disciplined man.

spent abt half the day at L&T. repairing my and jamin's bike. i cut my handle bar 2 inches off. uncle walter's super accurate.
jamin finally got his rims straightened out.


went to the trail.
b4 even started, my tubing burst. ahhhahhas. then changed my front tubing. heing i brought all the stuff i need ar! tyre lever, pump extra tubing.. ((:

fell on the first time.

major fell again on the 2nd time. the hump was too steep. coz i wanted to avoid this puddle of water... so i kinda slowed down. not enough speed to go up. then rolled back and fell on my left butt and elbow. ahhas hard hit on the butt. ahhas.still sore now. ):



haahs. was drizzling despite the hot sun. decide to retreat w/o trying other stuff also because jamin and jeff were on slicks. ahahs.



while going back. jeff gave me his alcohol swipe for my elbow. HAHA. i added abit of water first so that it's not so potent. i thought ok la... should be ok. hahas. then i cleaned my wound.. not bad... then about 2 secs later. SCREAM. ahhahas. the feeling's like 10,000 termintes biting on the same spot of ur skin luh. hhahas. it was pain. hahas. kept pouring water on it. hhahahs. hottzz. as i was bathing just now... it was pain man. until like part of the wound pops out. aahs.


actually. the wound is not that bad luh. ahahs. just scratches that's really really painful.


next on my buying list: elbow and knee pads.
dont think i can save on this.


i super miss suan. his SIP is just so on the wrong time man.






then after that, had dinner with meisy and gang! (: i love to see time after such a long time. ahhas.

church

was like church stuff whole day.


then the rain came.

and it really rained.. like rained.



thus, canceled plan to go bike expo.




homed. tv. com.



i'm so (: that i was able to talk to one of the liangs today. (: i love. so hard to find someone so true under that roof.