#hashtag #misery #bitchmodeON

i'm gonna list all the shit that has happen, just for today only....
well (on a brighter note), so that i can count my blessings when the good days do come.
(oh wow, sorry for the long post ahead)

seriously. ahahas. but wows, i'm blogging again.
today i really had a trying day. everything seems to be testing my patience.
let's start in chronological order. but disclaimer first, i'm like in my annoyed bitch mode now. so, i have no bigpictureshit in mind, and i'm just probably finding fault at every nitty gritty shit, for just today. ok. lets even do a count on it. btw, profanities for the day probably hit like the monthly quota alrdy. my vocab is probably in an inverse relationship with angsty-ness and profanities. so yea, sorry for the uncouth behaviour in which i shall not regret. oh, and note the #hashtag. #justtryingtobeabitch #waystobesarcasitc #cozigirl

1. i woke up, almost late for work. actually mother poon woke me up at 0510hr (coz she sometimes can't sleep until that time. probably its a wife thing, coz she also make sure my dad is not late for his morng shift). but ok, that's not the bad thing i'm trying to say. i woke up late coz i actually had a freaking good surreal dream. i dream about kh. it wasn't likka M18 shit, but like.. i dreamt about a  very sweet us. like how we gazed at each other eyes. how u held my had while sitting in a... van(?) and didnt wanna let go, while i laid my head on ur shoulder with big wide smile.
bits and pieces of good... times. idk if they are memories coz they all seem blurry to me now, but i just felt really at peace in the dream. so much so that i didn't even hear my phone and digital clock alarm. so waking up with a good dream with u in it like that left me in a limbo. though i knew i was running a little late, i sat on the bed for about 1 min, trying to sync in reality. but i couldn't get out of that limbo state... i brushed my teeth, put on my overalls, started my bike, all with visions of a smiling u in my head. WTS right. i really couldn't snap out of it. i couldn't rmbr the ride to work, but once i reached the cp, i put down my side stand, and told myself, fck off girl. u're no longer exist in his world. now its time to freaking go to work, and be safe so tt i can get home safe for mother poon. so yea.
i got onto the lift, looked at myself in the mirror of the lift, and i rmbred telling myself, he doesn't want u anymore, i've got much better things to do.

2. at work. ok. was assigned to this engr. so abt to prep and all, then assignment changed. ok. nvm, can. #opsdemand. then want go out, no spare. got spare then no veh for apu job. so we went out late. ok nvm.

3. the job involved trying to remove a seized bolt. its a handover job and apparently, escalated quite high that one of the snr mgmt had to come down personally to try. ok nvm.  #respect #effort. #atleastoutofoffice. he go up, got harness, no landyard, no gloves. and still say me? #can #safetybeginswithme #safetyatalllevels #issit

4. this technician, also collecting is workschd for his B1 type license, is still a technician, macham like engr alrdy sia. i think its just me, being annoyed and jealous, but let's just document it down here so i can look back and lol at this reaction in years to come. knn. i 好心 lend u my tools. pls dont make it sound as if i'm personally there for u to pass u my tools. maybe this one i bitch. maybe coz u treat me like a bro (which is good), but i am not here just to pass u tools btw. for the record, he forgot to take his harness from the vehicle. he actually asked one of the trainee tech (who is also a girl), to walk all the way to the fwd side of the bay, where the veh was, just to personally deliver his harness for him. bro. thought u wanna be man about work. wanna be hero all. harness cannot ownself take issit. #beyourownhero #everysuccessfulmanhasawomanbehind

5. i'm a girl. so its a misery to begin with. coz the job is only accessible by 2 ladders. so each time i wanna go up, the tech will say, wait ah, wait ah. wait until clock out loh.
so as a girl, sometimes its not that u cant work  / inadequate / no skill. u're simply not given the chance to work, to experiment, to explore. so when the time/rare opporunty comes (eg. when not enough manpower, and bo bian need to use u) and u need to perform, u're actually doing it for the first time. so when u duno how it really works (coz nv do b4), u kena the ohcozshegirl. bitch. i give u do first time u see u can 100%.  but yea, on this point, this is my daily struggle, so not really an issue. used to it liao. #cozigirl #notexpectedtoperformanyway #goodalsocoztyco #nevercozskill

6. i lend u my tools. ok. u want to use hammer to knock, ok. but fyi, there's a reason why I PASS U THE DRIFT. y must u use my 12" 3/8 drive extension to (attempt to) knock the bolt out. if like u need that extsn for access, FINE. but eh. no leh. y cannot use the drift for its purpose of its existence? if i rich ok la, spoil at most buy new one ah. but sorry hor, now i struggling to pay sch fees. u buy me new one if rounded ok? thanx
for this, i wanna justify one thing. i really try to be understanding. but being kind, understanding, patience, doesn't do good for ur wallet. got one time i openly lend my tools. knn. use my 9/16 gear wrench to BREAK TORQUE. bro. i got spanner. i even got 9/16 spline. y must use my gear wrench? so in the end, the internal gear probably broke or smth, can still work but isnt smooth.
on another instance, i lend someone my tool, totally lost and gone. snap-on bro.
another one, i lend my 3/8 drive ratchet handle, u use the ratcheting side as hammer. bro. u use the handle part, i still can tahan. u use the ratcheting side for f?! u're not gg to get the leverage u need to with that 3/8 drive movable part there. so, in the end, not surprisingly and almost expectedly (looking at the way the tool is being treated), the gear inside broke. couldn't turn the ratcheting ANYMORE. was abit annoyed that time. but since i had time, i managed to find a way to secretly fixed it until its good as new. #goodjobgirl #butustillgirl
and lastly, on another instance, i bought this extension pole just reach this t/r button. i really 好心 put in the dept to let everyone use so ppl dun have to push step just to reach that button. ppl take and use, never put back, nvm. so got one time, i can't find it (coz ppl nv put back at its original place).. so i went around to search high and low for it. in the end... i found it.. at the back of the van. broken. the plastic handle part was obviously used to hit hard metal part, while the end of the stick was broken off and now shorter. KNN. excuse me. no.1, u borrow u never ask, its ok. but at least put back. no2. u freaking broke it, (and didn't have the brains to realize the a hollow aluminium rod has 0 impact strength on anything that is needs whacking.), maybe at least INFORM. i wont kiamsup-ly ask u to pay it coz its a $7.90 tool which i have alrdy have the mindset that it's gonna be gone. but not like this pls. so until today, its still broken, and shorter. i just deburr it and tape it around so can still use for its purpose. but just annoyed coz i'm alrdy so short, and u just wanna make it more challenging for me.

7. my shift was diff from the guys so i had to leave the ac, so i wanna keep my tools. but they needed some of my tools, ok can. so he wanted to borrow this small cutter of mine. reason being.. coz 'shiok to use'. eh.
ok. to put things into perspective, he needed a cutter for the cotter pin. like those huge one. (the same guy who used my extsn bar as a drift) Y MUST U USE MY SMALL CUTTER. i specially, specifically, scientifically, technically, bought that relatively expensive cutter just to reach hardtoreach access areas that need to cut those thin eni lockwire. coz sometimes u really just need one small good accutae madeinJapan precision cutter so it makes ur life easier. but no. u had to use that small cutter for ur big cotter pin.. bc 'shiok to use'.
the tool box that we took had a cutter. and, i even (in my most patient unagitated voice) said like, eh, i lend u my cutter also coz this one i buy to use for those eni lockwire at under cockpit /pedastal area. he still emphasize 'nvm ah. shiok to use'. that is x2. fck it. i was just too annoyed with the same guy. whatever. bare minimum, just make sure no tool is left in the ac.

8a. so while the other guys were busy, i had to close the t/r, with another trainee LAE. holy cow. he duno how to close fan cowl eh. EH BRO. u alrdy in OJT phase. and, its been at least 2 mths u here liao eh. i T2 eh, i do many other ac types eh. u everyday only this one ac type ehhhhh. #candontanot
this one just irritates me max. i'm just annoyed everyday abt engineers, esp trainee engrs who dont give a shit about their job. ok, if u dont wanna take the initiative to ask / to learn / to work / to try / to act / to look bz , at least how know to open fan cowl can? no need tools one eh. u just need to press button. ok for this type, maybe abit 'tricky' to u coz need to unlatch the lock using the handle. but bro. this one really for ur own good. at least know how to open the fan cowl? if u from like cmu or what, ok ah. but pls ah, next time dont say u ojt from our dept. later ppl think we nv work on engine.
then ah. ok la, coz i was bz closing all the other latches on my own, so i had to ask him to push away the step so can close the cowl. then like.. he was like struggling to push the step(?). as he was trying, got this like screechy sound. #SLAPSHEAD #INBOLD eh bro. MAYBE THE STEP LOCK. just maybe ah. maybe u wanna try unlocking it? maybe it will work? #justmaybe. i alrdy down there closing everything by myself (good coz finally can work w/o ppl trying to not let me work), so ah, u only got 1 job which is to push the step away. i dun think u need experience to realize if something is stuck, i.e does not move with effort, maybe u wanna LOOK AROUND, or at least think about y got screechy sound. eh. lucky is step lock eh. i cannot imagine if like stuck coz of the engine in the way or smth, then keep pushing. hahas. #Godhelpme
so anyway, he pushed the step away, engine fully closed, then go back veh sit. issit the step no need to put back? then all the tools will walk back ah. since we're at this, i also wanna add on. hahas.

8b. u also duno how to appy anti-seize. ok. maybe if u a technician with many yrs of experience and still duno how to apply correctly, i can still understand eh. but hor, u local degree graduate eh. XXX mech engrg, specializing in aerospace. (feeling ashamed to typed that out-not my sch btw.), do u even understand do material science, or at least, read the shit out of it. coz i saw how he applied the anti-seize compound........... ok, ideally, u need to mix it up, so that the oil (in layman's term) and those super tiny ball bearing-ish compound shit can be mixed to be a... anti-seize compound- made for its purpose as with the name obviously puts it. so he just apply a few drops of the floating oil on the thread. eh bro. ppl alrdy scoop some out, put on the cover so can reach for it w/o getting ur hands dirty. good that u wearing disposible gloves though, but even more so, #WHYbroWHY.
so i tried to erm.. teach educate share my knowledge/experience abit.. i say like.. eh bro.. need to have abit of the thick thick stuff on it coz it inside got tiny bearings to anti-seize it ah.. then he was like 'oh yea, i know'. #ohbrother. #uknoweh. (but then hor, i see like ur 4, 5 bolts all just a few drops of the oil eh). is that maximum effort? or issit u trying to cut cost. #bitchmodeon #buthowtobitchmodeoff


8c. everyday, these 2 trainee engrs who is about same as my shift just annoys me. i know i'm in no position to judge or care. but they come in, sit there play phone. dun bother about what tools to prep, its ok, nvm. but ur engrs all prepping the docs, the spares.. issit u know everything alrdy? even when in ac, sometimes the job done alrdy, just go back veh sit down. issit all the tools and u/s items will ownself walk back to the veh. sometimes even ah, the techs all working on other jobs, then the engr go do his inspn on his own.. like need to open apu door and all... they can just go sit in the veh eh. eh wows. u really buaypaiseh ah? ppl drive u to the bay eh. look bz abit la. pick up the rags or smth. so hor, i guess i shouldn't be surprised if u duno how to open the fan cowl. ok ah. at least u know that come to bay need to wear vest.


9. ok so work ended. supposed to go meet this carousell buyer. he agreed to meet at this place at 5.30pm. i reached there, texted him.. no reply. ok nvm. 10mins later, i sms him via his number. another 15mins later, then he replied that he got something on then cant come.
EHH. u got something on 5.30pm cannot text ah. ppl working on ac can afford to be responsible to check /reply at certain timings / deadlines... issit u doing like some diving/underwater job that u can't use ur phone.. or driving or whatever. ok maybe la. idk, so i can't judge and i'm gonna give u the benifit of the doubt coz its also not my problem to find anything to validate ur tardiness/ absence. so in the end, i waited for 30mins, then go home. he suggested to meet tmr. #okigiveuonemorechance. but ok, i have to note, he was kind enough to apologize, and say like 'i dont mind paying more' for the item'. ok la, i admit i cheepo trying to earn money, so i wont feel insulated that u ask me that, but i think i also got that integrity and pride to keep it at that agreed price. #okgivemyselfsomerespectabit


10. ok, so i wanted to go home liao. i went to my bike which was in the bike lot... knn. kena trapped by 1 bike by the side and 1 car by the front. diagonally behind is a abit of a grass patch. come out is can come out. but sia la. duno how many times i fwd back fwd back fwd back.
but hor, to neutralize it, earlier on when i reach the cp area, i was like.. oh wow. at least got 1 more bike lot for me eh. (coz usually that area bike lot always full). haha. so i guess such goodness on a bad day isn't gonna be good after all seyyy.


11. finally rode home. otw home, i was just mentally thinking.. i really hope i do make it home safely. murphy's law today really game strong. so yes, nothing much happened otw home, other than a few cars cutting into my lane w/o signalling in which i had to apply break. at least no need jam break. almost home. then like while i was just 1.5 m away for my usual lot, this teenage who was smoking, spat right into my lot. if i'm having a good day ah, ok la, whatever, go another lot loh. but hor.... with all these rage at work, buyer not turning up so my trip down is wasted, and i just need 1 more sec to park my bike so i can end my day peacefully, U HAD TO SPIT IN MY LOT. got drain at the side. got grass patch 2m infront.... Y MY LOT SIA. i infront of u, and alrdy going in to my lot.. y that lot.
#Fannoyed.


so yes. i'm homed now. spent so much time blogging redundant stuff that does not add value to my life nor anything positively interesting to whoever happen to even bother reading this. if u really manage to read through the whole chunk of vomitted shit, i wanna thank u. i hope the #bitchmodeON comes off as something u can LOL at coz i think i would when i'm in a more... peaceful state.
but yea. i think its to a point that its so funny to be this annoyed. idk if u can call it #passionate or what. but sorry. i've alrdy passed the point where i agree that being hardworking or capable in life doesn't take u far/anywhere, but all these ah. just pls dun disturb my tools and i.


idk if its something to be thankful for actually.
i'm sooooo annoyed by so many little things, that i didn't even have any emoness left to emorant on twitter or send out negative emo vibes on ig.
and i know that tmr will be a good day coz to be something worse than the string of events today is gonna be a feat for the world to cooperate on that. but hor, i shouldn't say so soon. maybe tmr morng my bike can't start, or like key break agian, or like fuel leak? who knows right.
just wanna pray that God can keep me safe and functional so that mother poon dont have to do hospital visitation of a patient at her age, and she can continue to be happily playing her ipad, tapping the credit card at worry, while cooking good food for me when i come home for dinner.
that's all i ask for in life now really.



and last disclaimer, if any bitch wanna screenshot and intentionally wanna stirr shit at my workplace, by all means really. coz these feelings are not 见不得光 and all these actions have indeed taken place. its just my internal interpretation and i think i'm polite enough to not fck anyone up in the face coz its just unnecessary and well.. i only T2. actually if should u want to create awareness by informing the respective parties, gd eh. at least they're aware of their actions and can start thinking about how to make the workplace more positive, effective and efficient.



ok. phew. glad to be blogging out.
guess since i dont have anyone else to text and rant my personal shit, blogging does help.
thanks for reading, to whoever who unfortunately stumble across.

insignificant significant days

Just went to the gym and swim after morng shift. Its been awhile since i have this routine after a morng shift.

Idk if im expecting to be like a switch that i can just forget all that has happened, but the heavy days are significant. Just last night, i dreamt of ur gf. I dreamt that we were gd friends, duno doing what tgr. Wts right. Hahahas. Idk if im that of a nice girl or what, though i am happy for u, of course i got jealous abit la. So idk how did that dream come about. But i woke up, feeling like a derailed train. And today at work, i saw u again. Its one of those rare times that our eyes meet that u couldnt siam. I smiled at u as if like u're just like another colleague from another dept that ive not worked with, while ur nonchalant smile was recognizable. Idky those butterflies still flutter at the sight of u. Not sure if they were reserved for u or what, but i just hope they'd stop fluttering like mad in my stomach when i see u.

While swimming today, i find myself more focused, more hardworking than the usual chilloutworkout. When im mentally in that state while exercising, i know i've got alot to sort out internally. I teared abit in the water today, but it didnt matter. Just that it was abit annoying that i had to manually drain the tears out of my goggles. Haha. Might as well dun wear right. Let my tears be carried away by the water, just like the ppl of Atlantis. Hahas.

But i've really been thinking.
All the guys who have left me have many exes b4. So what's another one like me to add on to the count right. Its so easy for them to just pick up and let go. Im not sure if i wanna be like them, but hmmm, i still think of d, though it has been like 12 yrs?! Kh almost overwrite it totally, but almost.

Idk if this one is another cause of being misunderstood, but certainly, there are things i dont understand. I feel that im out of ur league as my self-esteem creates more layers of blurr.
I think i love u, that said without much conviction. Its not so much as im not sure or what, but just dont dare. I just wanted to get to know u as a friend better, so i can trust u and move on tgr without the insecurities of losing u. I probably didnt know how to script my intentions properly, but u were clear to explain that i had to sort out my insecurities on my own, for myself, b4 i turn to u. And in the meantime, keeping u as a friend isnt fair to u. Then what is fair to me? Sorry la. /Yeah, I got issues, And one of them is how bad I need you. (Haha, ya that song).

Honestly, thinking about it, its just like u trying to tell me to drive a car straight on the road w/o a steering wheel. Here i am, wanting to spend more time with u as a friend so that i can trust u more, but on the other hand, u want me to trust u more w/o interaction with u as a friend, unless its a more than friend thing. Then u tell me to text u only when i need u, whether i want or not. Is this what u think of me? Loyalty is one of my traits and im pretty sure about that. How do u think i feel? But yea, u probably dont know me more than u think u do. Well, its also coz idk myself either. Haha. And so with that, i discovered that my care and concern to ur well being transcends to me being a conversation killer. Haha. If i tell that to my friends (esp my close bros at work). i think they'll lol. Me being a conversation killer... i think more often than not, they'll want me to shut up. So that's me, being myself. With u, im not myself coz i just cant be. Too scared to lose u? And in trying not to lose u, i have successfully done it.
But then again, shouldnt give myself too much credit coz maybe u didnt really love me to begin with..u probably just love the feeling and initial process. What's new right.

How ah.
Probably girl mode triggered now, but it just goes to show that u dont love me for who i am, to be patient and work things out slowly, together. At least in my sch, i can withdraw from the final exam and try again on the next sem. With u, withdrawing to prepare stronger again is an immediate failure, no chance given. Haha.

So yea. At the gym today, its like aft office hours, there were many guys as compared to the morng hours. I was actually a little irritated. Like just to be in the presence of these guys. Like ugh. I mean at work is diff ah. Maybe coz i know them liao. But just feeling abit uncomfortable to be with guy strangers. Some girls came in later... but they were here for some gym prog tgr with more guys.
Hahah maybe really im not straight sia. But fck this shit. Im tired of meeting new ppl and getting my life into this shit hole again. Its like, early this yr, i was really picking up myself well. Like came March, it become so so much better. Probably too much goodness for my life that it had to be taken away at this instant.
So just like today, im like... y am i in this place all over again. I dun want to revisit those dark dungeons and get caught there. It took alot of me to unchain myself, so y must u pick me up and throw me back into the rut? My mistake was probably reaching out my hand for u to hold, coz I really thought that u could lead me out. But somehow to u, want u to hold my hand out was unfair to u. Haha. Maybe u like me in the darkness more than me in the light..or rather, in the light, u didnt like what u see so u had to throw me away.

Tbh, i've nv felt so abandoned b4. Even when kh left me, i didnt felt so unwanted. Mayb coz with kh, i've come to realize that i brought it upon myself since from the start, i knew at the back of my heart and mind that she was the one for u. But with this one, maybe coz u're just so smart and rational, throwing me away like that is the most logical thing to do, so right that i cant find any more reason that u'd actually want to keep me. Bz or not bz, i dont think that's even part of the consideration.

So what do i do now?
Well, i've always been trying to move on. It has been like this since 2007. So it shouldnt be that difficult to be back in this tryingtomoveonemostate. Thats probably my default setting while keeping myself busy. Its just the part of feeling super worthless and unwanted that i need to see pass it coz there was a point in time did i really did think that u were the one that i could walk with for the road. But ur premature departure was probably the best option for u in the end and i guess i should learn to be thankful that u're doing it now rather than if my heart went deeper.

I still miss u.
Probably like crazy.
But i cant validate that.

episode 3

 

yesterday was a good Saturday. its been awhile since i've had a packed day like that. sailing in the morning, then Ballet Under the Stars in the evening, then night shift.

i would blog about it, but i think i'd wanna sort my heart out first. 

i think that was it.

he's left.

i got a ticket for him for the night a few months back, and he said like "i've marked it down my calendar". but when the day came, he didn't even bother to text if he's coming or not. i'm not sure if he's forgotten about it, or dun wanna go, but i think at least it's only responsible that he inform me that he wouldnt be going for whatever the reasons? pride or no pride, courtesy should exist. if i was in his position, i still would inform right?

i think that was utterly disappointing, but also awakening.

guess its another one that refuses to spend time with me as friends first before moving on. so this morng after night shift, i went home and tore out those few pages from the book, so that i can stow everything away into that box and hide it forever. didnt feel like working at all during night shift. in fact, i was struggling emotionally during work on every other day. i uds that he's bz, he also says he's busy.. but tt time i when i went to okc to deactivate my acc, i saw him online, and he even updated his profile and all. feeling abit sensitive coz i was actually triggered. i mean like, u say u're bz and all, u dont even check my igs, but u have time for okc eh. hahas. Like u stopped liking all my posts too. Pathetic csi bitch me... hahas, but coz i care(d)? But yea, u didnt ask me abt my exam results, nor text me abt my tournament in which u said u'd like to go down and support. Hahas. But what if its the other way round- i text u abt them? Comtemplated alot but decided i shouldn't also. Maybe i fear rejection from u since each time i try to converse with u, u'd see it as a conversation killer. V sad one u know; getting ur genuine heart trampled on. 

but that was it, coz everything he says validates his actions though they seem to be conflicting. i felt like i've met me. with kh, i felt tt i was too rational, too practical in a r/s. with this one, i felt like i'm being the too emotional one. i'm not sure if kh has changed me for the better or i've finally met someone who was like the practical me. but all in all, i cannot tolerate disloyalty? 

but what was i expecting right?

online.

haha. i probably invested too much and too fast emotionally. it shouldnt be surprise if he can change his.... erm.. 'target' so soon since u can try again online right?

everyone wants fast game fast solution; nobody, who goes online, would probably wanna naively spend abit more time to get to truly know the person first. 

i'm very sad coz there was indeed a point in time that i thought like he was different from the others. i thought that we could slowly work things out a little tgr. but he was just clouded with his practical ideologies that my emotional state that was incomprehensible, became something he could not deal with. he'd probably think he had it controlled by giving me the option and all, but it was clear that he didn't want to fight for me, and neither did he even want to fight with me anymore. i made him tired and gave him no reason because simply, there was no love to begin with.

he mentioned something like "one thing my phd taught me. if it is important to you, you get it done regardless of the method", which was another validation to me coz he perfectly understood that. he wasn't doing anything to keep me. i didn't need him to do anything actually. i just needed time and patience. but i guess he didn't see any reason to wait for me. but that's also right, coz i didn't see anything in me that's worth for him to him anyways. i love him, but his reactions to my actions made my doubt my love. everything i tried to do seems to be triggering and agitating him. this was something i really didn't see coming but yea, i guess i shouldnt think so highly of myself either. 

he also clearly specified that he wanted me to get rid of my issues before texting him. fair enough. he was ok that i seek other people for emotional support as well. he was just like me in the past- before kh. i thought like oh good, there's trust. but now i uds how kh feels right now. 

anyway, its been pretty hellish trying not to text him while he has stopped texting entirely. but i guess its getting better since, just like the others, they are clear. either we move on tgr, or we go our separate ways. 

through this episode, it did make me miss kh even more. and i guess, 

changing myself for someone who love me was probably easier than trying to change myself to make someone love me. 

so for that, i guess for kh to say i'm selfish, it's does make all the sense now. though kh was a man of fewer words, he was a man of actions. least he did what he could do while the practical me kept making it difficult for him. i just needed to change my dressing, my mannerism and time management. looking back, that's actually easier than trying to immediately eradicate my emotional insecurities. haha. but yea, so much for all those empty words. i wouldn't call them promises, but i shouldn't have listened to all those flowery words again when now they dont mean a thing. i mean like, u have said things like u'd bring me out on a date or catch a musical tgr, but now u dont even reply to a ticket i got for u. it wasn't a surprise nor something unplanned. i uds that u're busy. but i trust that u're more capable than that- not to actually turn up, but just to send a simple text like, 'im not going'. 3 words.. probably would take erm... less than 30sec, including scrolling down to my name in ur WA. so i try to console myself that maybe u forget about it. but really? haha. who am i kidding. so actually, idk which is worse.... forgetting or choosing not to.

that's the irony uh, i'm suppose to stop being emotionally insecure while u stop giving me assurance.

maybe that's how its suppose to work also. but really, what am i expecting from a... 2 month... friend/morethanfriend that i met online right. we've only spent time studying tgr and occassionally having a couple of meals out. there's nothing i should hold on to also right. take it as a lesson learnt i guess. shouldn't think so highly of myself also.

well, at least i've tried online. hahahs!

its heartbreaking, but it seems that i'm getting used to it. the cut is still deep, not as deep, but deep enough to feel those physical heartaches again even when the sun is still up. but yea, i will never meet up random ppl just like that coz it involves more intention actually. 

looking back, i do regret meeting up with u on the 23rd. i mean like, if we didn't meet up and we just kept to texting... and if u stopped texting like this, i think it's also easier. 

as with kh, i should have learned to stop taking initiatives. this is what i get loh. its like giving someone the opportunity to break u. y do i have to put myself through that? instead of expecting someone to be patient with me, i should be more patient with myself first. anyone who wants to keep u will find ways to do so instead of hijacking whatever opportunity that is available by chance.

but yea, i dont think i should need another 10 yrs for this one. 

so let's just go back to default 2018 me. but no, i dont think i'm wanting kh back as a bf, but i still want him back as my friend. i dont think that's selfish. but if it's not going to be ok with her, then that's selfish loh. haha but given kh's principles, its still best that i stay away forever. 

so i guess i'm back again at square 1.

lonely days will be over soon. :) 

there's just too much to do. been watching

itchyboots

on youtube. yea, he intro me to that channel. but watching her ride round the world like that really inspires me. like fck all the fears and shit. just do what makes u happy. obviously as an asian, that's not an easy notion. i wanna do my masters in UK, i wanna get a job that allows me to travel like mad, but i love mother poon too much to leave her alone at home. i'm glad that i dont feel like its an obligation or anything, its easy when there's love. she loves me, and i love her. like i do shout at her and she says me for whatever reasons, but the next day (or sometimes abit more), its all fine. all pure and honest. nothing to hide. nothing to act. just raw us, and i'm just thankful for a family like that. i miss my daddy. idk if i wish that he was still around now coz he would be a freaking 78 yr old man. but i do wish that i had abit more time with him esp when i'm in aviation. he's be proud to have a daughter at his workplace i guess.

so that's first half of 2019.

its almost quite a defining year for me. not going to overestimate 2019, but i'm glad and thankful to be out of 2018. 2019 March was no doubt one of the happiest months i've been. but happiness is always a fleeting moment isn't it? look at how March progressed till June. when u're down, u can only go up. but when u're up, u've all the chances to go down too. so lets just try to keep it at equilibrium; be grateful for all the little things and try to smile at all the challenges.

i hope to be close to God again.

i think i've been listening to my own voice for too long that i dont even know that i'm doing that. i'm probably too clouded with what i'm supposed to do in life, rather than trusting everything on Him. His love is unconditional and incomprehensible and that's y its so easy for us to just take it for granted. sometimes we place too much effort on a certain individuals that it just becomes too toxic. 

i do want to be postiive and respectable agajuin. i dont like myself in this state, trying to blame myself for everything or trying to validate every other extrinsic thing.  

there's a difference between expectation and being hopeful.

i do want to be hopeful, but not expecting. 

But yea, staying away from u is also the best for everyone. Hope u can finish ur journal soon. Its been too long.

null

perhaps its the monthly hormones, but just feeling really dull.
really unmotivated, but it feels... ok.

haha. 2018 was really so bad that i'm really thankful for each day in 2019.
i still miss him so much. but what balances that out is knowing that he's probably happier with someone else. some days i do think like... there's still a chance since they're not engaged yet. but most days, i'm thankful because she led u to a change in ur faith for whatever the reasons.

i feel like i'm (slightly) more positive, but i'm not sure if its coz i've got no more drive or expectation to do better in life. i mean, ppl can just walk out on u like this.
the ppl i trust the most in significant points in my life tend to leave me eventually. i'm tired of it, like really tired of trying in any way. even if our lives are busy, even if we have commitments, if u're not worth a place in someone's heart, then y make it so difficult right?

its like, idk if its coz either idk the person well enough, or he has changed over a course of time.
just this week, i can feel my principles shifting, or rather, being deleted. like i used to think like oh.. the person whom u love (and spend the rest of ur life with) should be able to understand u, be responsible, be hardworking, etc... then i realize, all these intangibles are so unfixed. so fluctuating. nothing really stands. y not, like what our aunties always advice us.. find a rich man to marry.
tangible? yea.
of course money is exhaustible. but if the guy is filthy rich, doesnt gamble / spend like mad, and spending millions of dollars is insignificant to him, then might as well let me spend his money and buy all these worldly fleeting momentary happiness and at least have some ability to shower love to those around me... what is love? no need uh. since u dont love him, there's nothing to be disappointed about right. even if he doesn't love u, it also doesnt matter, whatever his agenda is.

like i really dont need a husband to love me.
i just need my kid to have a father.
selfish thinking? yea, probably.

and i'm starting to think being selfish is good.
selfishness allows self love.
selfishness promotes self preservation.
this is something i used to be very against about, and like, tend to shamefully judge selfish ppl. but as i grow up, i realize, the struggle to just live as we grow older seems to be on an inclined slope.
it takes a selfish man to call another one selfish.

its seems like 2019 is becoming vindicative.
like in 2018,  my principles were threatened. just as i thought that i could keep them up and well again, thwarted. each effort i try becomes hyocritical to someone. its really depressing especially if u realize that u're learning to majorly fall in love again. almost there, but validated that i should stop my shit.

i didn't want to think its my problem since i'm clear that whatever i do was for someone i love alot. but if 2 person does the same thing back to u, though in different time frames, it's probably clear enough. i dont see why i should be fighting to keep the person again if he doesn't do the same. it has been proven that the harder i try, it becomes a nuisance.

i dont think i'm de-valuing myself, yet.
i just dont see a need to give my best anymore.
its like, what's the point. i mean even at work, it so easy for someone doesnt put in much heart/effort to become an engineer.
what about me?
talk about passion? not tangible.
talk about qualifications? overqualified.
talk about effort? u're still a girl.

haha. just like love.
intangible.
under-qualified.
still a girl.


i hope no one reads this post and feel like i'm making sense though i am indeed feeling that it all make sense to me right now. i just hope that if i read back on this post, i'd lol to myself and go like.. here's me going on to 30... young and full of issues.

i'd rather not have u and feel lonely.
i'd rathar have myself and feel not alone.

i dont think its fair that i blame everything on pride and ego. but through kh, i've lost some respect for myself anyway. apologising. begging. like literally choosing to spend nights outside ur door step begging for an opportunity to talk vs spending precious time with mother poon.
i've had enough of people who dont love and care about me. everything is so questionable. actions are so unjustifiable when u realize there's no love. everything is about me me me. so let me be in my own bubble until the end.

so to all the kids out there, love ur mother, and ur family. no matter how shit they can be, they're still blood related and they are probably the ones who love u the most. i mean there's a small percentage in the world that this doesn't apply, but lets just assume that society has crafted people to protect ppl of their own flesh and blood.


haha and yes, if u're even here, to u, sorry to reply ur msg on okc and wasted these months of ur time. u could have used it to finish up ur work earlier, so i'm sorry to get in the way though u alway say u got it covered. if conversing, or texting me becomes taxing, i'm sorry to make u feel obligated. i thought its good that i give u space, but everything i tried to do just worked in opposition.
i love you, or probably thought i love u, but i realize the love i have for u isn't enough to overcome myself, my issues, and him. i wanted u to love me back but its only because i just felt unwanted and not because i had ur happiness as my priority. actually initially it was, until i realize my sincerity was hypocritical to u and that i dont even know u.
but one thing good to know is that i've nv used u as a replacement or anything. through u, i gave myself another chance at love, but idk how and why it has become so toxic over the weeks and months. but that's enough validation for me. i mean if its our work, travelling, distance (physical/mental) or whatever, then i guess we've failed the test. my honesty was something u doubted about and not well recieved, so it becomes confusing. what we've spoken about during the early phases does not seem to be in tandem. perhaps i'm the one who's changed. i've learnt to guard my heart even more fiercely; i shouldnt love so loosely like that as well. with u, i felt inadequate and even more hopeless. choosing to walk away was painful though not as much. its back to dull. back to null. but i guess walking away now is better than either of us walking away after many years. i'm disappointed, but if i feel this way, than u also probably deserve someone better. but yea, that's not my priority coz its still about me- like i seem to thrive in my emo shit than trying to get out / succeed at it. idk if u're seeing anyone right now, but for me to even think that way, then all the more i dont deserve u or those bits of feelings u had initially.


hahas. omg. i really feel like shit right not. while 2018 is the worst year for me, 2019 is the worst version of myself. at least in 2018, though i grieved and almost went crazy, at least i'm a more reliable and responsible person in life. right now, my attitude sucks and there's nothing much i bother to say abt it. its weird and probably alarming coz i'm not super devastated or what. idk how to really describe. probably genuinely the 'i give up on life'. its reallly not just about my love life, but even at work, i know that i'm not giving my best anymore. y bother trying so hard when not trying allows more peace.

idk if its really coz 2018 as built a 'stronger' me coz 'what doesnt kill us makes us stronger', hahas, or issit coz i just dont give a shit anymore- since i'm the shit. hahas. its like i feel so ugly inside out, and i just dont give a shit. perhaps in the past i would worry like if ppl dun like me or more imptly, if my heart isn't in the right place.. but really. fck it. haha. what professional help do i need? i'm fine what. just do whatever i wanna do, be selfish but dont go out of line/ be a criminal or do illegal shit, i should be fine and survive well. i dun think i have any purpose in life, but i think i might need to go back church. probably going back just because i feel like as a christian, it should be a routine or smth. though no longer the sincere, hardworking genuine girl, at least there's more direct opportunities that biblical words can speak to my heart and change it back to how God would be happy about. sns, but more aptly, thank you.



to really be honest, there's alot more i wanna say, mostly conflicting stuff to whatever that's mention. but i choose to give up coz i'm tired of needy me. thank u for no longer being there so i know that i dont have anyone to find or run to. my daily nothings are really daily nothings since i'm not even living each day to my fullest and best. no one needs to know how am i, coz its just gg to be the same. nothing will disappoint since there's nothing to expect or hope.
nothing to be happy about since its just about getting past each day till my last breath.
i dont wish to die now in this state though, but i have no hope in changing myself either. haha. that irony. maybe tmr i read this post and go like.. wts gurl. but fck it.
i just want to document all these feelings down and rmbr it, rmbr how real life is.

midway and not quite.

and with a blink of an eye, its mid June alrdy.

so much on my mind, i dont even know where to begin this time.

this space has been all about u in the recent posts, and i guess today, it'll still be (unfortunately) about u. 

as always, i've wanted this space to be documenting my adventures and my moments, so as to share my experiences and info with ppl. however, it was pretty clear that ever since 2014/15, my posts has become less frequent, because of instagram and whatever nots. and with all the piled up emotions, i realized i still find some solace in running back to here, just to type out my tangled thoughts, in hope organize them and find some form of temporary solution which can hopefully be made permanent. 

ok. so. 2019. so far, it has definitely got better since 2018 was really the lowest point in my life.

work has been constant, not because it has been, but its because my drive and passionate has taken a plunge detour. i'm still passionate about what i do and i still strive to do it well. i still have the zest to learn and troubleshoot at every opportunity. however, i have learnt to manage my own expectations vs what the company can give. we'll see how it goes, but meanwhile, i'm still continuing to go to work, enjoy the job, enjoy the company of my fellow colleagues. 

i still hope that i'd be a positive and motivating worker and to some extent, an inspiration to those around; esp if i'm a girl and i can do shit, i hope it stimulates / aggravates ppl to do better. hahas.

sch.

ok. this sem has been really good. too good that i find myself struggling coz i wasn't struggling. hahas. as usual, i took 4 mods, but out of the 4 mods, i think only 2 of which were challenging. i had a lot of time for the 2 challenging mods since the other 2 was somewhat my kinda shit. 

so anyway, exams went well. i think i performed within my expectations. results out 19 july and its the first time i am this excited to get my results. i'm expecting ermm.. 3 As and 1 B+ ? hopefuly i can get A+ for structures and Flight line man or even Manufacturing. i didnt do so well for the Avionics paper since most of it can be found somewhere in the text/pyeps..

ok so, i was generally more focused this time round. 

also because i got to know someone in March.

its June now. 3 months. 

its been on a high. so high that the plunge became inevitable.

before i go into that new... friend, 

lets talk about u in my mind for now. 

u've been in my mind every single day. perhaps not so much in march, but u're still very much there.

through social media, its kinda obvious that u're now with the girl whom i told u that u'd be suited with. yea i'm jealous, but i am happy for u. 

i'm glad that she can probably make u a happier person and i also found out that u're baptized!

i think that really hit me real hard.

yes, i am stalking u, so much that she has deleted me off her follower list so i can't no longer see her posts. sad but i guess i gotta give her some space. but i do see some of ur friend's stories though u dont post anything at all. i'm risking it to be blogging this out here (later someone find out then block me off on every platform), but i'm pretty sure that u wont be in this space and i also shouldn't think so highly of myself. pls give me a little path out at least?

but i'm glad.

though idk what made u decide to follow Him, but i'm just glad u did and i do think it's probably through her. i know these are things not for me to think of, but i can't help thinking why can't i be a better salt and light for Him for you so that u could see His love through me. was i (still) that broken?  i realize that u've also got a new playlist to have songs about Him and His grace and mercy. i wanted to share those songs with u, but u never seem to be interested while i was afraid that u'd think i'm one of those "staunch Christians" who gives no one a choice to decide on their own faith.

i do miss u. still do, very much and everyday, and probably even more after this month, but i will love u by keeping my distant bc that is what u wanted me to do. i still hope for the day i could attend ur graduation or wedding, but i guess i can only hope for social media to stream a photo or 2.

its strange that we started off as strangers and now we're back at strangers again.

its also funny how time gives us such challenges, like now u have changed dept and shift so tt i can actually see u on all 4 of ur working days if i do 2 morng OTs. i still rmbr how difficult it was then to wait for our off days to coincide, and when it does, it becomes an issue for u since u (and i) had to sacrifice ot just to go out and spend more money instead of earning money.

each time i catch a glimpse of u at work, be it before or after work, it just affects the remaining time of the day. though those initial impacts is not as painful as before, but the little hurt just resides and lingers. i'm literally so close and yet so so far.

we started out as far away ones, and one we're back at even stranger ones. 

idky i love you this much also. 

but its not like i can just stop loving someone whom i've loved so deep.

through d, i've learnt that u can never really stop loving somone - you can only manage the feelings and learn to free up some space for yourself and also for someone else. this is something i have failed to do so terribly. 

its probably only this year that i realized that i am also selfish - as how u've explicitly told me. but its only coz i love u and idk how else to love u in the way u wanted me to. my ego was probably in the way to be my allow my raw and broken self come clean infront of u and hence all the struggles.

i finally tried to tidy up my HD, photos and stuff, so i happen to click on our whatsapp chat log again. i do realize u love me alot too. but u probably love me in ways i didnt know how to appreciate nor respect while i let my issues devour me and us. i drove u off bc i didn't know how to deal with my insecurities and issues, in which u chose to not stay as well. i feel, and still do feel that u're much better off w/o me; and now u really are.

i didn't knew that my issues were so real until March this year. 

i re-read my blunt words against ur trying words. its only now that i can see a person who can so hard and so cold, so recognizable, so familiar-  hello me and my monster.

i think i have PTSD.

tbh, i didn't know it was really a legit issue.

idk how and why and for how long. 

i only got some affirmation through someone i met in March. because everything was going so well, it aggravates the monster in me which was the same one u had to deal with. it only became clear when at one night, i woke up crying like mad about someone whom i love, leaving me and wanting to murder me by throwing me through a glass window and into the woods. this is not something that is normal. i do have nightmares here and then, but its never been as real as it was. the nightmares have been coming to get me. i can forget about nightmares, but recently, the nightmares have become so freaking real that when i do wake up from them, i find myself physically shaking and seriously questioning reality, not knowing if i have really woken up or not. it just throws reality off equilibrium and sometimes i dont even know if i'm really living in this real world or not. no one is ever real.
hahas. sounds so teenager-ish problems, but this is so real guys.

so, with much discussion and.... passive persuation, i've been trying to reason out by really looking at the events that have passed by all these years.

i'm beginning to think that my dad's passing did have a very very latent effect on me. 

i'm still refusing to believe it, but i can't find anything concrete that can refuse that notion. 

i'm really on the verge of seeking professional help, but i dont think i need to spend that kind of  money nor have something like this being legitly documented down in my life. my ego dont allow me to think that i have a mental sickness. besides, i've been suicidal last year and i have learnt to deal with it on my own - mother poon was and is my reason for survival. should i ever feel suicidal again in a time when mother poon is no longer around, then pls drag me to seek professional help. 

but really, my dad left me in late 2003, i was about 14 then.when u're around that age, u think u know the world, u think that u know what exactly u're dealing with. idk what it means to actually 'deal with a loss'; i knew i was sad back then, but i rmbred that i needed to be strong for my mum and that's how i survive till today - by brushing off any feelings of loss.

and then, i decide to let d into my life in 2005 after many yrs of friendship. with him, we're really young then with much teenager struggles. before i could learn to love myself, my insecurities drove him away since knowing me well isn't the same as knowing me on the the surface. 

i became really insecure as time goes by, i  still continue to keep myself really busy to not let myself deal with that growing monster. in 2014, u came by. u and i knew about this monster, u chose to face it while i became ignorant about it. i took up another degree in 2016 (10% of it was also to keep me my mental health sane and current) which took a toil on my life alot while driving u away too. 

and soon enough, here in 2019, probably its part of the adulthood package, the monster grew up too. its probably a gd thing coz  it's becoming even more obvious that i have a problem when i met this guy who's good in breaking things down for me. 

so what's the problem now?

hahas. idk.

i find it hard to even describe my feelings and thoughts now.

probably my dad's passing somehow created an effect that anyone who loves me is gonna go eventually. all my exes has proven it, and while trying to look at the big picture, it seems that all of my r/s ended somewhat bc of the same problem- i have very limited self-love; though with different details and approaches. in each r/s, i always hoped that it would be a forever, till we're old, slow and wrinkly and all, but with that thought, there's always this part in me that strongly believes that good times dont last. 

perhaps its this monster trying to gain its foothold that leaves me in confounding thoughts and verbalized brutal text messages as i start to love and allow someone in even more. since i find it hard to love myself for who i am, how the hell should i expect anyone to love me for who i am. so, it does make sense that when whoever tries to get close and know me who i really am, it becomes a big subtle disappointment that only true unconditional love could overcome. and even with that one last resolution, i find myself subconsciously rejecting it in every way. sometimes it feels that im schizo. i dont think that i'm that extreme yet, but i'm probably quite clueless. i dont even know how to love anyone they way the want me to anymore.

i dont even dare to love anymore.

through u, i've learnt not to take initiatives anymore, unless i'm damn sure / unless when i know i've controlled that monster in me. i find hard to love freely and accept myself for who i am ever since my flaws have been constantly amplified. the the more i love someone, the more i find it hard to love myself.

in march, it really did feel like i finally found someone who would tide over with me. perhaps i was too naive that the monster had to react and now i'm left with running away since nothing i do give comfort to anyone or myself. at the moment, i still feel like being alone is really the best solution to everyone and myself since it my monster wont burden any individuals.

i am tired of myself.
i dont think my monster allows any visitations anymore. i'm giving up, which also means that i'm giving u up. im tired of trying because it always seem to backfire and put a strain even on the friendship. after loosing so many important ppl in my life even as friends, i dun think i wanna lose another. even if it means that u're gonna walk away, i'd rather u do it now b4 memories are created which adds more haunting to my nightmares all over again. rn now, it does feel that he's feeling the burden alrdy and no longer wanna text me and deal with my mess so i think its all good that he should walk away now before deciding that much later.
anyway, i hope our 50yrs old pac still stands.
sigh.


whatever it is, i thank God for giving me the ups and downs. 2018 has definitely allowed me to become 'stronger' when it comes to hard hits like that. perhaps being strong may not be applicable to all situations coz it does become threatening and misleading. but i have to understand that b4 i can even allow anyone to enter my life again, i gotta get rid of my monster first or learnt to tame it.
sorry to those who tread across my heart, i shouldn't even have allowed such a path in too. thank u for those who stayed as well. i'll try to be a better version of myself first.

moving on to 2019

hi. as busy as i always am, i try to make it a point to reflect and sum up the year in 1 blog post.
1 word to describe it: B R U T A L
this is also the year i learnt that "u'll nv know how strong u are until being strong is the only option."
its like just when i thought that life couldn't get anyworse, my bike key broke at 3am, 1 wk before exams.


this year, i rmbr struggling so so much. everyday, everything is about you.
i think i might have gone into depression.
i rmbr crying randomly... sometimes while i'm riding home or something. its not those like teardrops by tear drops, but it's those kind like flood gates open and mucus all over kind. it was weird. i mean, i do think of u every day, almost every moment, but though it seems like it just a constant thought, somehow, something just triggers.

i really wanted to seek legit professional help. but 1. i dont have the money, 2. i dont need such records tied to my NRIC coz i think i'm better than that. i mean, just to document it down here, i was actually suicidal at some points. but i allowed my ego to shine through, to at least preserve my life to those who can love me for who i am. not point ending this physical life just to bring hurt to those around. its really not worth it though the pain brought by just 1 person can be so so immense. besides, the holding thought was that mother poon still needed me, as much as i still needed her in my life.

so with that, i saw another side of me.
i could really be so damn broken.


this year (2018), was alot about searching.
i was trying to find my identity. i forgot what i liked, what i loved.
for the past 4 years, everything i did or think was about you. so when you left, it felt so empty that i didn't even know what clothes to wear go out. for those years we've spent tgr, everyday i've been trying to adjust to your liking. so w/o u, it seems that i've lost a purpose and a direction.
so when you told me that all i did was selfish, i really went to reflect.
all i could get out of those darkest times was that my love wasn't enough for u because u couldn't love me for who i am despite all my efforts trying to change myself to who u wanted me to be.


i was still very uncertain about my life. i mean, i still am even till now though, but in dec, it suddenly got much better. i guess coz this yr, i could finally go out and meet with all my friends. i mean, i dont like to really socialize, but i just like to catch up with ppl whom i've grown up with, who values my time and heart. i dont think i need any validation from anyone, but just through dinner and conversing normally with friends again, i realize, though i've lost you entirely, i managed to get my friends back.

with work and studies, very little time was left for my/our family and friends. my family came first, then ur family. then, we had very litttle time for ourselves together, and really no time left for our friends. u also didn't like that i hang out with my guy friends, which is also the dominant gender of my friends given the routes i've taken up in life.
i still rmbr that u resented the fact that going out with me meant that u couldn't do OT. ur 3on2off gives more days for OT as compared to my 4on3off; though it also meant little sleep time for u. who doesn't want/ need to earn extra cash right. i've been working so hard, and trying to save up on stuff but i ever once thought that giving up OT for u wasn't worth it. but oh well, i'm not worth ur time anyway, so that explains alot.

unfortunately, i still love you. i'm still trying to digest the fact that someone who was once the closest being on earth to u is now a complete stranger. i thought we could be friends still, but to you, i'm such a dirt and trash that keeping up with a friendship with me just waste all of ur time and energy. i get that.
i'm just so damn hurt. and for that, i will never accept a guy like u back in to my life. it's just so so damaging. i became so ugly. i didn't like who i was. u didn't want me to be kind to others. we all have our pasts and struggles, but that shouldn't stop us from being kind towards others. there's a fine line being kind and stay safe/ protected. but i think if everyone's insecurities stops us from being kind, this world is going to be a cold, dark place. its funny how u call me selfish but u stop me from being kind to others, whatever the reasons.

anyway, i just hope that you wont do such damage to other girls again. pls. ur friend has also hurt me bad but i dont wanna rmbr that and go down to her level of reasoning since u've chosen to trust her. but for the girl who u think (and i hope) u're loving now, i just hope that u'd learn how to be selfless. u'd learn to love someone for who they are and not inflict self harm. if she can bring u happiness, i'd be really glad that finally someone could make u smile and not tired and upset all the time.


so, 2018 is all a blurry dark struggle.
probably 90% was all about u.

studying was just my antidote to get away though it's also the source of the stresses. i did 6 mods in 2018 July sem. i worked so damn hard. it was so painful, and i sacrificed so much. too much. my hardwork was validated with the 3As and 3Bs i got. i wished for better grads for some of the mods, but i can't regret anything coz i really really commited and gave my best. sometimes i'm not sure if the sacrifices are worth it, but i think God for those who stayed, especially (lonely) mother poon for being understanding. it was clear that i lost u in the process, but it did teach me alot about people in general.

though u're so not worth it come to think of it, i do foolishly think that u're worth it to me. it's only because i know that my love for u was real and true. though it may have been one-sided, at least i knew that i loved u with my all, and also discovered that i could love one human so that much.

this year, also because of u saying that i'm selfish, i evaluated that this 2nd degree is probably a selfish decision. because of passion, i gave up a $5k/mth job, to be a technician. i gave up money for the family just to study. i gave up time for my friends and family for time with you which totally backfired. but also thanks to you, it's only in this year that i thought of giving up this job that i love the most. i really love my job. it does pay well, but not now. we're looking at about the next 5 to 10 yrs time? so we'll see again after i grad. i got some plans going on, but we'll still again and i hope taking another long route will be worth the journey.


there's no end to earning more money. but i'm probably abit ashamed of myself that though i'm reaching almost 30, i can't spend money on my family as and when i want to. like, i can't bring mother poon far away for holiday or to like some European countries. i can't like give her more money to spend. i can't like go to an expensive restaurant and let her order all the expensive food.
i mean, let's not talk about nice cheap food la. i'm just saying that i can't spend money as and when i want to.
speaking of which, 2018 is also the year i finally take up all of the family's expenses. i applied a sub card for mother poon to spend on her groceries. as the years go by, though i can't up her monthly allowance, i'm literally carrying the family's expenses. money is really tight esp with all the sch fees.
but on a good note, i dont have u now, so i can spend lesser. u never liked anything i got for u anyway. the most useful thing u recieved from me is probably the microSD card for ur phone so u can store more media, but u unfortunately lost ur phone. haha, just not meant to be. yea, and i hope ur ego wont stop u from using the expensive branded wallet i got u. hahah.

ok for the record, probably as a selfish means, i did try to open my heart abit. i used Tinder, i played okc. hahas i loved those self-checking questions. its like self discovery siol. hahas. i chatted with a few ppl, but i realized, the more comfortable i get, i start to get very reclusive. i'm just so afraid to get close to anyone anymore. this 1 year has been so damn tough getting out of u. i'm still trying to hold it there and not sink back in to the dark abyss everyday, but i'm just thankful that darkness doesn't sting as much now. but having said that, i dont think i'd wanna open my heart to anyone right now. i just can't afford to.


i'm just glad that i have more time for mother poon and my family.
the last few public hols, i actually went swimming with my sis and pillioned her for the first time in almost 9 yrs of riding. i'm talking to my sis abit more also, and towards the end of 2018, i think its the first time in our lives that we're really talking. still not f2f, but just over the text.
i mean, its never bad with my sis, just that in all our years of living, we're brought up to be independent.
perhaps our independence does threaten the egos of the male counterparts, but i hope that as we learn to depend on someone who wants us to depend on , that respective person can learn to accept and respect us for who we are.

no trips this yr, except the UK trip i went because of school.
finally finished that vid and will be posting up here soon.

so now that i just have mother poon and i. i guess its abit better? 1 less worry. hahas
there's so many things in my life that needs sorting out still. other than my photos, media, sch stuff, my room and endless materialistic things of this world, i'm still learning everyday.


sorry that this post is so choppy and unorganized, but i've just too much to say in the battered heart.
there's still more that i wanna say, but i needa go off now.



lastly, i just want to thank God for this year.
really.
i'm not thanking Him just because it's only right to do so, or like oh.. let's thank God for another year. but this 2018, really. i dont usually rmbr the tough days, but somehow, i think i'll rmbr 2018. too much tears. too much weighted thoughts. and i guess, i could have ended with 2018, so i'm thankful that His grace and mercy didn't allow that.
i dont want to look back, but i still rmbr how memorable and great 2016 was. 2017 2018 is like an ultimate lead up to the darkest days of 2018 and ironically, these are the years when u said we're tgr. haha. it really seemed that we're better off lingering around as close virtual friends from end 2014, to 2015 and eventually 2016. haha, perhaps we're better off as virtual existence. but i still hope that one day u'll learn, and u're also learn to see the possible goodness of humanity and the unending love from God. i hope she'll be a vessel for Him to shine through ur thickest walls, eventually.


oh wells. i dare not expect for an easier 2019.
but i guess this episode has taught me back to be a silent fighter once again. i thought life could get easier when someone thought me to depend on him. but it's a fact that we can't depend on anyone but only on ourselves with God being our Captain. i'm not saying this with strong conviction, but come what may; coz i know i can survive another year, and even be a better, and more giving person.
i should not let any individual stop me from shinning through especially if that individual is you. what matters is family. and only blooded family stays in my case, so i thank God for that.


[i'll probably come back and edit this space again]

unexisted and better off alone

ever since that first dm, there has never been a day when i never think of u at all.
exams have passed. u were still in the midst of all the differentiation and fourier transform.
brought my fam to KL, with a mind full of you.
so many things are trying to fall back to place, but my soul just can't find a place to rest.

perhaps it is in this state of constant inner turmoils that is my equilibrium. and i guess i'll just have constantly learn to adjust.
the good thing is, the strong urge to text u has subside, bc i know that there's someone else who better worth your time. unfortunately, i still wish to be by ur side to see u smile and her ur warm voice again. but then again, knowing that my presence upsets you, it's better for everyone that i just continue to understand that i was never part of your life and i dont exist anymore.
the pain is still very must raw and there. and though time doesn't heal all wounds, i have learn to accept the pain and take it in with my daily strides.
i still wish u could see through one of ur friends. but ur happiness shouldn't be my concern since she can take care of it; and it does seem that trying to not exist in ur life does bring happiness to you.

honestly, i do feel very damaged. like i've turned your hate towards me and brought it upon myself. i hate myself so much that now i've turned reclusive. i dont want to make any more new friends nor bother to really spend time with friends i love, other that my real blooded family.
people eventually leave. its only that your family don't. and the best part is, its is only your family members who accepts you for who you are. so in a way, i thank you for showing me that.

i just find if abit difficult to deal with the void made by someone whom i thought i'd be spending the next 60% of my life with. but then again, it seems that i'm really much better on my own, and since you've told me to get out of ur life.
and honestly, i am still puzzled why u suddenly turned into a monster towards a monster you've built like me. i'm sorry for not being the perfect girl you wanted me to be. but i do feel that you shouldn't really treat me like this since all along i've been trying to change for you just to make u feel happy. if changing for you made me someone whom i isn't, which caused you to stop loving me, then i'm really confused.

for you, i've lost my identity. i dont understand what i like and who i really am anymore.
its been over a year now and if time filters out all the details to bring out clarity of the big picture, then it all becomes a blurry now. perhaps this blurry is due me living in denial, built by ur violent words etched deeply in my aching heart.
everyday is a painful day. i'm owning these pain now. i'm digesting all these cuts in.
but it is just so, so sad that at the end of the day, it is the man that i love the most that caused all of this. i didn't want it to be u, but it is.

honestly, i do feel that my outlook in life is ruined. my efforts for the future is now wasted because i'm just so filled with pessimistic views and feigned optimism. but one good thing now is to know that i now know how to not bring myself into a situation where i can hurt anyone anymore.
i dont think i cant open up my life to anyone anymore too. and even if i do, i shouldn't care abt anything else other than just earning more money so that i can bring mother poon out for more hols and let her live a more comfortable life.


as always, i turn to God for strength. i'm disgusted that when with you, i didn't put God as my priority, only running towards Him only when i think i needed Him since u were always the first option. while with you, i always prayed for God to be a foundation for us and to tear down the walls inside your heart. perhaps God has other, and always better plans for us, but i'll need to learnt to accept that in faith. my faith has been shaken a little abit, but its good that i still know that God hasn't left me. most of the times, i feel so undeserving to be going to God with all my problems, but through this whole episode, God still shines through.

i find that amazing though. its like, i feel like my think layered and thickened mud, built by all my insecurities and hurt has blocked His light. but somehow, His light is so damn strong that it shines through all the cracks. the harder i become, the brighter God tries to shine through. He is my saving Grace and i think God that those N. Thailand mission trips has been my eternal validation that God is real.

its like, before i can even question if God is real, He is real. there's like no doubt about that since things dont just happen is such sequences. coincidental or not, there is a certain extent that faith is the truth. as mentioned a thousand times on my blog, i hope that my blog can encourage ppl and bring joy to ppl, hope that my life can lead by example.

as of now, i'm still disgusted by who i am. i know that i'm a child of God and it makes it all more confusing. i'm not trying to comprehend how deep God's love He has for us. but i just hope that i can be a better person for Him and mother poon.
i dont want your horrible actions to be my final validations; so i really need God's strength on this.
i still love you and hope that u're well. i just hope that u dont hurt anyone else anymore and i'm also glad that she has God with her. i just hope that God can continue to use her and work with her even more to heal whatever brokenness u have in this world, and eventually see what love is all about.
though i haven't got a clue to what love all really is about, one thing for sure is that my love for you isn't enough or 'right' for u. perhaps u didn't love me for who i am in the beginning, whether it is intentional or not, and i dont think i'm in any position to question anything about us.

i'll still be keeping u in my prayers every night. and i dont think forcing u out my thoughts is going to be kind on myself. perhaps it is not being fair to whoever is with u now, but i just want to keep this part for myself. i still miss u very much and i hope to stop all of this nonsense forever and focus on more important things in life.


hang on little fighter,
just one step at a time.
even if that one step takes another 10yrs, it's still a step worth hoping for.

We Started Out As Far Away Ones.

we started out as far away ones,

even further now with the same setting suns.

i try to turn to science

it could have been our the 2nd year.

2 years ago right now at this time, i was sitting at our place, waiting for ur break time to come out just so we could talk like how we always so under ur void deck.
i rmbred i brought my laptop along, to try and get some work done since it was during the same season when exams were fast approaching.
i was figitive. jittery. apprehensive. nervous. excited. yet feeling comfortable that i was gg to hear ur voice again.

i rmbred how i was rational about the irrational decision to ride down all the way just to have a chat with you- coz we just felt the need to.
it was after a collegue's wedding. i was tired. i had abit (within legal limits) of alcohol in the system from all the toasting during the wedding. i was home, texting you while u're at work. i was still in my black top and black skirt-shorts kinda thing for the wedding. it was about 1am.

we missed each other.
we didn't say it. but we knew it and we felt it.
but we knew we couldn't say it coz we were so aware of our own personal struggles as individuals.
i felt like you were the one only who could untie the knots for me then while i naively felt like you allowed me to tread in your dark valleys.

hence, i made several u-turns after riding off my bike from my cp.
i think it was at least 3 to 4 u-turns at various locations.
i was afraid that we could be something together, like really take all these feelings and baggages and move on knowing very well that i wasn't ready while u weren't sure.
i wanted to, but i really know full well that i shouldn't have met you on that day.
perhaps its that few glasses of wine that let those walls come down and soon enough, i was on PIE (changi), riding at 60km/h coz it was cold and i was still wasn't sure if i was doing the right thing in life about my life and about ur life.

pity that i didn't blog about all the emotions then. it would be interesting to be now reading all those feelings then. i guess while i had you with me all the time (over text msges) i didn't need to blog / use here since you had my heart in the warmth of ur hands. good days or bad days, i'd turn to you. i didn't need this space coz u were my space.

but back at it, 2 yrs have passed exactly and i'm still relatively clear of what was going on all over inside even with that anti-diuretic agent from the alcohol still in me.
it turned out to be an important day.
in my opinion, it really shouldn't be that definitive since nothing was said or decided about our lives and path/s ahead. but then, all that feelings could be summed up into that one tangible friendly hug of departure. it was a normal friendly good bye hug since we're both so busy to meet with our clashing schedules. but because it was just so warm, so affirmative, so defining, i agreed to ur definition of the beginning of us.

i guess u wouldn't like me to share our moments we've had on public space.  but i guess u couldn't care less anymore. nothing i do, have done, have been doing, or doing right now has an impact on u since it was clear from u that i am of no significance to ur life anymore.


it still hurts very much.
i'm still at the airport, with my emotions being bigger than my physical tiredness from today's mornging shift. i've been in the airport for at least 20 hrs now, but everything rational is being overwritten by thoughts of you. again, i'm supposed to be writing on aerofoils and pressure distribution, but i just cant focus like this.
despite sitting here in the open public space, very much 24/7 in operation, i cried a few times. each time i do, i'd zip up my hoodie. coz i'm alone, and there's good policemen patrolling around, and i dont want to be seen crying in a place like this.
aerofoil aerofoil aerofoil. 1/2 rho v^2 S CL. and then, you.


i try to focus on the science of this heart break.
emoness, like any one of those signals being transmitted between synapses, which can in turn, bring about a voluntary or involuntary bodily reaction. but emoness, how does that transcend to a physically aching heart? i mean like take for example when u're hungry. the empty space in ur stomach makes those cillas/ glands feel empty. the acidity of the stomach juices being produced on the stomach walls causes hunger pangs. ur brain gets notified that u're hungry. so u'll go and find food. but emoness? caused by u. how does that work?
u're an external factor; unless i've internalized you? haha whuttt. it may sound wrong actually, but no. haha.
like even now as the sciencey part of this post has elevated the emoness of this post, my heart still aches. its not just a figure of speech. i really mean that my heart is physically feeling the pain.
each time i think of you like this, especially on such ex-big days, it's just so painful altogether.
does a sad thought literally pull a heart string / muscle fibre in the heart? does the signal send subtle shocks to those places? what really triggers?

like you know, pain felt by the body is actually a signal being sent to warn / caution ourselves to be careful and stop doing whatever that has caused the pain coz it brings harm to the body.
so, thinking of u makes my heart painful. does that mean i, my body is telling me that i should stop thinking of you for good?
i mean like, i miss my dad. i miss him alot. when he passed away, i felt that sharp pain in my heart. many years have passed and i no longer feel pain in my heart when i think of him or when i miss him. i miss him real bad on tough work days or nights, but i dont get such physical pain of the heart anymore.

perhaps its only 1 year that we've gone our separate ways. but how long more do i need this time? another 10 years? in life, we technically dont have many 10 years to give.
i guess i should be thankful that as of now, i've given 4 years of the life span of my heart to you?
everyday i've been thinking of u, and its not an understatement. its a fact... like ever since we started dm-ing on twitter, u were very much in my thoughts, especially on those few months when we unspokenly left a gap.

looking back, perhaps i was just wrong about you. perhaps u say all those words to every other girl u've been in a r/s with.. those "you're the only one that make me feel this way", "i love you because you are you" kind of words without actual weight.
perhaps, the rational side of me should have asked.. "in what way?" i bet u couldnt answer then coz there's nothing u love about me.

actually, we had this coversation before.. i still fondly rmbr when was it. it was when u welcomed me home from montreal and we had our first dinner/meal tgr. after that we went to t3 viewing gallery to do what we do best- talk about stuff in our lives. it felt warm though the aircond was so cold and i was feeling tired from the long haul flight. i rmbr u told me that u liked me for my loyalty, and to quote 'i like how you can challenge my thoughts'.. i but that was about it. i guess u couldn't live with every other thing about me and u couldn't handle the challenge eventually. ahahas.
u were subconsciously comparing me to society's norms of an ideal girlfriend since i myself was a perfectionist to be begin with. and i guess in those yrs, u were really trying, but i just wasn't enough. u wanted me probably also for ur own selfish reasons. so in the bigger light, i was the selfish one because i occupied too much of ur time. hence since time is limited, everything else, like time for our own families, for each other families' became real issues.work and sch didn't help. ur tennis and my rugby didnt't help.
our time spent together just made everything worse.
also because u were tired while i was seemingly forcing u to be happy by actions and intentions.
how naive i was then to think that u valued our time together.
how naive i was then to give in so easily.
how naive i was then to think that u really love me for who i am.
how naive i was then to think that u needed me to complete your life
how naive i was then to give up and sacrifice so much for you just because i thought it was worth it
how naive i am now to still love you so unconditionally.


so damn bloody girly all these issues.
icannot.
like really cannot.


the only solution is to just reconcile all these heavy thoughts and feelings about u. i read on somewhere that instead of fighting with urself to stop missing someone, just carry on. dont resist. dont resist the fight. its ok to miss someone, just dont let it affect your life. learn to reconcile with it.
i am trying.
but it doesn't help knowing that u've used my feelings while i lied to myself. it has really shaken my perspective on life and perceptions of people. like these few months, for some reason, i've been assigned to do SKH. each time is that reg, my heart twtiches abit. like today, i did her; or maybe i should call that particular ac a 'him'. hahas so messed up man, just like u. hahhaas.

now, its 02:47. around this time 2 years ago, u had to go back to ur aircraft.
i still rmbr how sad i was to depart from ur presence each time. even when we're tgt, even when we do coincidentally see each other at work, i'm surprised that found departures so hard; all that crazy butterflies while trying to be professional with our tasks. on some occasions, i rmbred i teared coz i missed you. like wth, i was with u less than 5mins ago. but oh well, from a time frame of 5 mins, its almost 1 year now. it only can get better right?
i guess i should head home now, and hope than next year during this time, i wouldn't realize that its 12oct.

okSocialMedia.

i think its funny how i've decided to come out of hiatus and start to blog randomly.
i owe this space too many valuable posts such as my 1st bromo trip back in 2016, my God-sent Montreal trip, and my UK trip just last 2 months ago, and the many spartan races and all. actually i've moved to blogging them via doing 1-2 min videos. but i guess its a really different way of documenting my life. blogging helps me to document my deepest thoughts and make those legit travel information more retrievable for ppl seeking help/info. so if i actually go back in time to try and recall and then blog all those moments out, i think it's not gg to be the same coz i definitely cant remember those exact feelings and emotions.

but anyway, i guess despite of the vast array of social media channels available as emotional outlets, blogging is still the fundamental place i can somewhat find solace is slowing down my thoughts and tangelize them into block words that i can be them typing out.
its funny how i dont really like how my deepest and loudest of thoughts are being made public; and neither do i care if anyone reads this, but i still find this space... therapeutic if you can call it.

i started blogging in 2003. whoas, that's like 15 yrs ago. the purpose hasn't shift since- i just hope my little story and inspire or help ppl find comfort should they happen to stumble on this humble, iritaing, full of complaints space. back then, it was like all teenage-growing-up years; the struggles, the confounding thoughts, the big life decisions days.... but actually, it hasn't really changed much since then huh.

ytd i was just watching some youTube vids on social media, and h2h interviews of ppl from the entertainment biz. i dont watch YouTube vids much coz i really dont have the time and energy too. i wished for more time to do so though. but ytd, i was really tired from night shift and couldn't just discipline myself to get my assignments going. exams are coming, and i'm just trying to control the worries coz i really duno shit about the mods esp when exams are about a month away.
so anyway as i was saying, most of us (the ppl in our age group) have lived through the age of how social media has transformed.

xiaxue shared about her blogging/ views of ig and how social media has become so much bigger than blogging, while influencers face real pressures from getting likes and followers. for the record, i like ppl like her and Hirzi, whom are influencers/ social media ppl / whatever you call them, whom are never afraid to speak their mind and deal with all the repercussions by taking everything in their stride.

ok actually, i'm not here to share my views on the shift of social media climate or like give some interesting views on mass comm and all.
as usual, i run to this space whenever my emotional loads needs some offloading.



its been almost a year since i've lost you. our birthdays for this yr just passed, and on my birthday, it was really, really an emotionally tormenting day. i wasn't expecting anything, but the heart just failed to be strong. its like.. not enough hydraulics power to sustain it. i've never seen or expect myself to be so....idk how to describe it to give an accurate 'measurement' of the pain.... but its like.. .i have discovered that i can actually be very emotionally needy for you. during those time spent tgr, i rmbr how u didn't like how i can be so independent towards our relationship which transcends to be being selfish. u didnt like tt i wasn't very jealous when u talk / hangout with ur girl friends and all. initially, like before unknowing trusting my whole life on you, i thought guys liked space. i thought like perhaps the more 'independent' ladies can also find some tlc in the guys whom they love and love back. but throughout those years with you, u've really trained me to be this emotionally dependant on a guy and i really really wish i can unlearn it.

some days i find myself trying to stalk you on social media, but u're the reclusive/ minimalist kind so its not easy. that's the thing about you. u're so contradictory, as much as u didnt really like the idea of posting my life on social media, u didn't like that i didn't post much of our time tgr. i'm always striving to find that balance what you wanted and what i could give so it wouldnt upset u, but it all just fails.

ok. actually, hahas. i'm really here today again not to talk about u. i mean, i've been thinking of u everyday even before we're tgr, and i'm still at this configuration. good and bad days, i wish i could still text you. sometimes i just can't contain it, so i'd like tweet my texts to you just so to pretend that i'm still texting u. no i've passed the denial stage and understood that u've not loved me for who i am,
its just that its just unfortunate to say that i still very much love you for u and all ur flaws that have hurt me bad. some days i wished that these are just habitual (and not intended) thoughts; so i try to recall and drill in those mean words u've said to me. but its like, i have said mean honest brutal heart-felt words to u before and the sian bottomline is, i love you. and when i love, i love fiercely because its not easy for me to love and trust 1 person so deeply.

rmbr how it took about 2 yrs of contemplation before getting tgr coz we're just so afraid of the same emotional issues. so i guess i shouldn't be surprised that it took u just about 1 yr to decide that u never really wanted me for who i am.
i guess i really should have known and be prepared to be emtionally tested out by u, but hah.. i guess i'm still girl and well, 'true love prevails' right?


ANYWAYS. so i've used tinder again last month. but stopped coz i'm just tired of mindlessly passing superficial judgements on photos and then swipping people i've not seen before. actually tbh, i dont intentionally go-and-search for  a life partner online coz i believe God provides whoever and whenever. so i was on tinder, just curious to see who of my circle of friends are on tinder. i've met some good friends, collegues and super like them and joked with them. idk if they felt offended or if their private life have been severely invaded, but haha, i still like bringing joy the ppl around me la.

so, my friend intro me okcupid. i decided to try it coz its interesting that you can answer some questions from a standard app-generated qns bank and then compare it with whoever u're... interested in. its about 2 days that i've started using the app, and i feel like its more... relevant than tinder? i mean like, if you have market data and more accurate information on the target market, u'd probably be able to do a more accurate profiling on the consumer base right?

me being the serious me, have set subconscious boundaries. as in like, tbh i'm still skeptical about entrusting your future with someone whom u've met online, but i believe we're (this age grp) all old enough to take in and let go. ok sounds deep. but its more like.. knowing when and how not to limit ur own opportunities at erm.. making friends?, while knowing when to go deeper into trusting person u've chat online to be ur friend. does it make sense?
i think it shouldn't be that technical especially since i was never the intentionally-go-find-friends to expand your circle coz really, given the amount of things i do in life, i really have alot of friends / ppl i know.
i mean, i dont want to go into the levels of friendship like from those hi-bye to those whom u've been through life and death with... but for me, i'm just happy with what i have, and i dont think i am searching.


tbh, i've been alone since u've left but i've never felt lonely. i never felt the need to meet anyone, and in fact, i found myself being more reclusive.. like u know, because of my busy schedules, whenever i can meet my friends (when they initiate a time) i'd make time for it and go whenever if it fits my schd. but this year round, i think its the first time in my life that i dont 'attend' the gathering and chose to do more.. solo 'me time' stuff like gg to our place to just look at planes, or like just go home and spend time with mother poon.
but recently, i've been chatting with a few guys via the app. sometimes idk if i'm not straight or what, but i dont get extremely excited when i have matches or when some guy msges back. partially i really think its because of you that still takes up a large proportion of the RAM memory of my heart. u're probably a big piece of SSD information.
idk if i'm under-valuing the app or what, or perhaps its coz of the past scars and current baggages, i dont feel comfortable to be talking daily nothings with people i've not met or done stuff in life tgr with before. like when its gets really comfortable, i get abit uncomfortable. i mean that's not the word to describe it.. maybe like... apprehensive? actually not really also... like erm...  just more defences going up. like MASTER CAUTON orange lights before the MASTER WARNING red lights go flashing. perhaps coz i'm also pretty tom-boyish, i converse very much comfortably  likka bro. i konw kh doesnt like that i'm likka bro to him, but if i'm comfortable, why do i want to make it not comfortable or text as how u'd like me to text u when its not going to be me right? that's another contradictory part you. u like me to be honest, but u dont like if when i treat give u the vibe that i'm ur bro. well, i really cant be sorry for that ,can i?

i mean like to put things into perspective, just today, someone msged me 'hey good morng'. i was like omg. ok, wait, not 'omg' coz like omg-a-guy-msg-me kinda thing coz i really dun like goodmornghowsurdayhaveueatenyourlunch kind of msges.... but 'omg' because it just feels like how i get secretly happy when u text me ur daily nothings. then i get all uncomfortable and thinking like.. eh i don want to go into serious shit yet but eh.. its just an innocent idontmeananything 'hey good morng' msg.
chill, sportspoon.

but i think i find it abit uncomfortable to be msging a few guys at one time. i mean, i dont think i should be placing too much 'value' on the msges much since its just 'open r/s', or like just talking abt bikes and places of travel and since if u're able to be on such a app, u should also learn to deal with ur own expectations. one guy asked if we could whatsapp him, but i kinda said i'm not ready to chat on whatsapp coz i'd prefer to just msg on that space, and he didn't reply. hhahahas. then there's also one guy whom wanted something else and when its clear i'm not in that direction, he stopped msging. fair enough. that's good actually, i think more imptly or rather, the fundamentals of msging someone is that, u shouldnt go around saying nice and not honest things just because u expect some form of reaction from someone whom u think its hot and stuff right.
but then again in this materialistic world, good honest man/women dont usually last long. whatever that means.

ok. ahhahs idky i keep sidetracking so much today.
i'm here today just because.... i guess coz i'm msging some guys via the app and i'm just wishing that one day i can swipe to see a KH, 31 or smth. idk. (i actually so a few KH, and my heart literally jerked, but its not a photo of u or antyhing...so nexttt). hahah. i dun wanna be confessing that i wish to be texting u via the app to start just as friends all over again. but i guess i have to be clear with myself that i'm not msging people just because i like the feeling of msging u.
i mean, its different.
i should be msging them because i like msging them, not u. so far, so good; good that i've been consciously clear and careful with what i'm msging and not lead anyone on or anything. but i'm just alittle afraid that i fall prey to the convenience of msging someone just because you can just msg so freely.

idk if u get my drift, but basically, just the pure basic respect of a human with a heart should be honoured even on such.... care-free 'no strings attached' app.


interestingly, i've had some h2h convo with some ppl i've not met in my life. some asked me 'what brings u here(to this app)' and i find myself asking myself.. 'oh ya uh.. y sia'.
i'm actually clear that i'm not on the app to intentionally find a lifelong partner though when the questions asked by the app is like.. here for ' new friends / hook up / short term dating / long term dating', i'd choose the latter, and even 'new friends'. hahas.
perhaps i'm just giving myself an opportunity. idk how to actually answer to that-  like opportunity for love? marriage? IDK. its not like i have alot of free time to text ppl also sia.
perhaps its all human mechanisms that we're searching even without intention. its just like this Discovery Chanel documentary that says that we're all crafted towards re-production of our species; there's actually a deeper and dark details to Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. eg.. like since birth as babies,its instinctive that the baby likes sucking the mother's nips, i mean also for milk. but that inclination of that sucking action as the baby grows up into a man is also for some other form of needs as the man progresses into his next stages of life -if u know what i mean. hahas. that's all in the pure science light pls.

i didn't expect this post to be long. it'st still pretty much in a casual mood unlike the past few heavy, full of resentment and near suicidal kinda post. ok, and i guess also coz its me to be honest, i'm probably here also coz should anyone from the app happens to stumble across this page, my intentions are clarified since its never easy to vomit all ur issues out with someone whom u've not seen in ur life. i mean, someone msged me my name coz he actually knows my name coz he watched a YouTube that i posted. ohhs eh. issit influencerPoonster. hahahahhahas



back to a update on my life..
its practically the same as the work-study config as with the last 3 yrs, just without u with me.
i actually wanted to blog on my bday coz i was so so shattered by my own self-inflicted thoughts and emotions. like not only i was struggling with thoughts of u inside my head and heart, i had a little argument with mother poon coz i wasn't spending much time with her coz of my work and sch schedule.. and on top of that, there's sch fees, bills, and groceries too.
i'm really not into celebrations and parties, but was abit sad that i didnt choose to spend time with mother poon on my birthday when i had time after morning shift. instead, i chose to sit at our place to watch aircraft and with some good ol music playing through my ear piece, over doing my assignments. i'm not sure if i should be proud of that, but yea, it was like 6-10.30pm of time to myself, and the aircraft and music, w/o much social media and shit.

i mean, i'm not all in a pathetic plight. but sometimes, its as simple as.... life is just tough.
tough if its in us to strive to do ur best, but the circumstances seems to not allow you to.
i mean we all can fck care and dont give a shit / like why make life so difficult for ourselves right. but that's also the beauty in the 'sufferings'. i'd be reaching the big THREE next yr, and i haven't hit some of the goals set in life. but as much as we can choose to regret, we can also choose not to live in regret and continue to give our best to those around and not expect anything in return.
well, its sad that at this age, i'm forced to cut down alot of my activities during this period of time.. like less rugby trngs, less gym, less climbing.. less gg for races and stuff. but lets just say there a time for everything and i hope tt mother poon can feel less lonely in a home when boeingpoon is no longer around.