my flight plan

today's learning point is: always to have a goal and be sure that that is what you want. 

(this is gonna be a very dry post abt my career plan.)

hahas. 

and so, ytd i had a call from Jamco for today's morning's interview.

had to get all the certs photocopied and stuff within less than 15 hrs. 

thank God that i've got the spares from the past.

but it wasn't just that.

i had to 15hours to decide for the next 3 years of my life. 

these 2 days was quite weird because i realized that there were alot of calls/msges regarding aviation. not just from companies, but from friends, distant friends and all.

i'm really glad that its not that time of the month for me. hahahs. i dun think it would have made a difference, but perhaps it may just alter the way i process my thoughts. 

anyways. 10.30 am interview at the company.

as i rode towards the company, passing by it was a big SIAEC logo. hahas.

as some of u know, my goal is to be an aerospace engineer, preferably in SIA because it was where my late dad spent 4-fifiths of his life in there. and of course, its literally Singapore's Airline. hahas.

engineering interviews are so much better than a business one in terms of the etiquettes involved. no need to wear formal wear with court shoes and those mandatory light make-up. 

strolled in with my polo-tee, long pants and croc shoes. hahas. 

and my bagpack with a very disorganized file. 

Jamco ppl are nice. i guess coz its also coz i've met them at the fair. and they're really friendly.  really nice office working culture. of coz i can't say much coz there's definitely more than that that meets the eye. 

during the interview, the HR lady was nice. it felt like a job-counselling session. ahhahas. 

she didn't ask me much questions. just about if i was interested i the job. i think i asked her more questions that she did. ahhahahas.

basically, what she's offering me is a 1yr trng + 2 yr bond as  Technician under Jamco.

it's also an alternative pathway for me in my pursuit to as an engineer. coz while in it, i can do my CAAS cate B (engineer licensing papers). and once completed, and if all goes well, i can officially and legally be an engineer in 2 yrs. so using the pros and cons way of evaluating decisions (also a type of marketing tool! hahas) :

pros: 

- it's a faster track for me. 

- and i dun have to wait ambiguously for call that might not even come

- nice company. under SIA's wing also,

- so eventually if i do wanna move on to SIA, its easier.

- its honestly quite a good offer if just basing of the fact that i've got any qualifications from ATTC.

cons:

- i can't say much about the trng prog coz i've not been in it / no friends for reference

- i wanna jump straight to SIA.

- think about the $80 per paper on my own. and its more than 10 papers. i can't afford it (maybe i can if i'm in the programme right)

- CAAS revising their qns bank in jun, and with my notes from ATTC, its definitely not sufficient

summary:

the pros and cons method doesn't seem effective coz of the weight of the indivudual factor. there's another method but i can't really identify how it works specifically.

anyway, i've decided not to go ahead with the good offer because of my goal.

i wont do a pros and cons of the SIA trng prog, but the main focus is so that i can start my career in SIA, go through the trng prog even if it takes longer period of time (2 yrs trng + 4 yrs bond).

meanwhile, i've just applied for a position in SIA for Technical Engineering Officer (Maintenance Planning and Control). 

that was random. 

i went to the career site to see if the trainee engineering opening is still up. but no, its not. sigh.

anyway, this sounds achievable because its requirements is just a diploma.  

and so.

instead of accepting the offer which should have been the sole purpose of my interview, i asked her for another opening. 

it was CMU. idk what it stands for, but its just cabin refurbishment.

and today, i signed a form to apply for the airport pass and i've gotta safety course to attend next wk.

so i guess more or less it sounds that this is gg to be my job for the next few months?

the technical officer job (that i just submitted online) also sounds good, coz i can see the backends of maintenance operations right.

hmm. ok. good here is in relation to my learning curve and not so much of the monetary payouts coz that can wait later in the future. 

this is all so pensive.

i dun like dealing with ambiguous time frames. its not just about me but how i can be responsible to what ever i'm in line with. 

anyways!

today was whole day out with mother poon and sister.

and tmr, another whole day out in JB.

totally using these few wks with the family man.

bought books from a bookfair at novena square! the 4 similar ones are actually from an encyclopedia set.. 3 for $10. and some how the 5 full-coloured books amounts up to $18. (:

did this online today. quite random

the left one is done earlier after dinner. and right one is done when i'm at home. dun really believe in all this, not even using it as a reference. but i usually try and do such quiz twice for validation purposes. whahhas.

not reference, but maybe some self-discovery.. ahahhs.




bah.
decisions.
thats not up to me.

open gates?

its full on lightning outside
though it it dark
the clouds are surely there.




the weather today was.... in confusion.
one moment super hot. then it was raining like mad, and the sun was shining.
it was during trng. the clouds were really pretty.. those silver lining with straight lines of sunrays kind.
against the rugby goal post, really wanted to take a photo. there was even a rainbow.
and it was about evening time when the sun's about setting too.
everything.
mixed up.
probably just like how i am inside.





ANYWAYS.

went to church on a Sunday morng today. proud of myself, coz i've really ran out of excuses to not go.
during the worship, i just felt that i needed to do something about my life. church camp is on this wkend, and there was this prompt that i should be going to just receive the Word again and pull my life back together again.


but because of the uncertainty i've had about sch/work/finance and all, i've missed the deadlines to register my name. i still want to go. and i know God will provide a way.
so after church, made some plans with a gd friend to head up together. so in a way, i can settle all my transport, lodging and food myself. should be fine right. in fact, plans were made in less than 15mins and i'm all good to go! so happy and proud of the efficiency.


and so, out of respect, i think i should at least let the camp commandant know that i want to go, and that i'm able to manage everything myself. was actually quite sure that i'm gonna get the green light.
and unexpectedly, he said ... no. i can.not.go.
his rationale is that since i've missed the deadline, i shouldn't make this kind of arrangements myself coz then, if word gets out, next year, ppl will start dishonouring the deadline and ppl will follow suite of my behaviour.


ookk.
that was unexpected.
very unexpected!
no form of compromising or hearing out.



my first initial response was..... actually a blank. hahas
i didn't know how to respond.
in the next 10 sec, i was disappointed with a tad of anger.
because i made a point to take a step and do something about my Faith. its not an easy decision for me to go or not. its not just about the materialistic factors, but i have to confess, i just feel so unworthy of taking such a step in my Faith. i mean, God welcomes everyone with open arms... but sometimes i just feel that my sinful life is likka big black blanket that covers all of me. i do want to get close to God again, but first i needa recognise that i'm a child of God and He loves me unconditionally- its something that i find it difficult to accept coz we have failed him in so many ways. so many repetitive ways.

it was for awhile.

the next response was like.. how can a fellow christian be not so encouraging?
i do understand his standpoint of view. the deadlines are probably set so that logistics and stuff can be confirmed asap. and if lets say i'm allowed to 'miss the deadline' and go ahead with my arrangement, that would further encourage other ppl to do so in the next year. but seriously, unforseen circumstances do occur and if we do find a solution, we should not build unnecessary barriers right.
ok, i dont mean to say that his concerns are unnecessary, but its all about risk management/ make the best of it or something right. and its not that i'm going to spread the word out that i have purposely deviated from the norm just to suit my personal schedules righhhttt.


what if it was to bring a non-believer along, a last min decision; in hope that through the camp, he/she will accept Christ.
i'm just giving a classic 'what-if' example.




and so. that led me to another thought.
i mean, i could have chosen to not respect him, make my own arrangements, be there, and then inform when i'm there right.
if i had done that, then i can achieve my aim of going to church camp and hear the speaker.
all ok.
now that he knows that i want to go and is not with the main group, going up against his advice would just make me disrespectful and to an extent disobedient. i mean, we've all gotta respect our church leaders right. i dont think i'm that concerned at how people will look at me because ultimately, it is God who can judge and no us.

i just feel sad that i can't get on this platform to get back my faith on track.
i mean its not the only way la. but at least is still a big solution for me.
forgoing it because of respecting human's decision is just.....
idk.
i mean we can throw in all those..
"if theres a will, there's a way",
"in God's timing, if its not now, its later..",
"God will provide a way",
"seek and u shall find, knock and he will answer".
but this, to me, in my irritated mode now is just...likka slammed door in my face.





"no......... you can join the rest in the 9am sunday service. hahas".
thats what he said jokingly. wait, dont get me wrong. he's really a nice guy.
he's really one of those leaders that u'll respect coz of the many reasons of a good law-abiding-wwjd-christian that he exemplifies.


but i still just dont find the equilibrium.
last time when i was younger, i went to church camp because of friends and all. well, its not wrong though. this time, i'm really all about getting close to God again and to be discouraged like that is really very disappointing and.... discouraging. ahhas.

throughout the day, i was actually doing alot of self-checks.

i mean i'm also free because Asian Champs is cancelled for the womens side and our club can't send in a mixed team.. that probably was one of the decision-making factor. 

well, it looks like i'm clearly prioritizing rugby over God right. i have to admit, yes, but only to a certain extent. not being able to play in the tournament, i could have make plans to go up and support the team, do my own stuff in KL and stuff like that right, but i chose not to leh.

i asked myself if Asian champs is on, and i've got a prompt to go for camp, would i choose camp over tournament. honestly, i would have chosen the tournament over the camp. 

then again, i rmbr during one of the sermons/biblestudy that God doesn't just want part of our heart, He wants our heart wholely. hahas. maybe that's why i deserve all this.

ahhas. this discussion seems likka back and forth and back and forth... and i'm really not trying to fanthom God's ways and His unconditional Love for us. 

but all this makes me feel like "you deserve it coz u're just using God".

k.

u know, i'm actually struggling to blog all these out coz i feel that all these are really my personal fears and i'm really struggling to phrase my thoughts properly out. somehow, i feel that i can't quite explain myself- how i'm feeling right now.

i'm not confused.

majorly disappointed and probably a bit clueless in how i can salvage this whole thing.

i mean now if i do get an advice to go against his instructions and continue on with my arrangements, i dont think i can pull it off coz its just blatantly disrespectful. i dont wanna create a big whooohaaa of a small thing. perhaps to God its not a small thing right. 

aiya, lets just settle for "God will make a way-in His time.".

period.

also wanna add on..

when i also told another friend in church of my intention of going, his first reaction was like "cannot leh. means u gotta bunk in with someone and that's cheating. as Christians, we should not cheat. its not good. i mean we can, but we should not". WHOAS. hahas. some friend.

i'm not referring to disallowing me to cheat, but i'm so surprised that ur first response was that i'm a cheater. yea, i know i can be cheepo and all to scrimp and save, but it really does not mean that i'm gonna cheat like that. i'm proud to say that i've got no intentions on cheating like this and have already thought of plans to book my room online with another friend. so for that, i'm so so disappointed.

my sunday sch childhoood friend. we grew up together. over 10 yrs. played together and this is how u think of me just because i've not been coming to church and now that u're a leader in church. seriously.

i dun mean to put on and mention the labels here. but that's really...... is that how u really think of me honestly? disappointment is just an understatement here. 

and so, i've talked about this whole thing to the friend that i'm intending to go up with. 

about the issues, the responses and the feelings.

he's probably more understanding because he's been through my position and is probably in my position in terms of 'leading a Christian life' as so to say. let me clarify this first, i'm not the kind who only wants to hear pleasant things to the ear ok. i like the solid truths even if it means to hurt me.

so, talking to him was one of the best things that happened today because i know that at least that's a friend in church who understands. 

and so when the outside world say that "christians are hypocrites" i dont just decline that notion, but i have to accept that. some christians are 'sunday christians'... i.e they act Godly and full kindness on a wkend, but goes the other way when the wkday arrives- either because we're not in a christian setting or around christian friends. that's about being the Salt and Light and all and i'm not going to go there. 

he's still probably going up with his parents, though i'm quite against the fact that he's not letting the camp committee know. but i do understand him and compliment him for his courage. haahhs. not courage to 'break the rules' as so to speak, but courage to be fearless. 

some people just do the good deeds for all to see. 

bah.

just whinning now.















bah.
next issue.

i actually thought of really whinning in detail all out here, but i really can't be bothered again.
its about the classmates again. ex-classmates that its.
to summarize, one of my classmates jokingly repost a 9gag photo of a common class setting of individual behaviours. he went on tagging. it was actually a funny joke. it made some of the classmates missed the classmates, including me.
and so my sister just commented a joking statement about missing one kind of common character.



(some comments were removed, including those joking ones.. i guess coz they realized that things were heating up and dun wanna get innoncently invovled like the other time round. hahas. good move for them.)



and so,
that particular classmate took it sooo offensively, and became very defensive. he made it seem like we took a knife and pierced it through his guilt conscience if he ever had one.
i guess coz when my sister posted up the comment, her fb name which shows a 'poon' suggested some form of linkage when she really meant no harm.
in fact, she is NOT aware of my shitty class situation. i'm never close to my sister. i dont share stuff like this with her. i know she doesn't read my blog coz she can't be bothered and has got better things to do.

but to see her kenna shot back like that.. i was like.. wth?!
seriously.
i wasn't even angry because its just soooo stupid! its really childish level 99 and i really dont want to go to that level and argue to ppl who can't seem to make sense of anything.

people really have toooo much time mannn!

but because of this incident,  last night, my sis and i whatsapp from 12am till 3am.

u know, we've never talked communicated like that before. not even verbally.

hahas. i think if u wanna do a literal comparision, for the amount of words that was being typed out last night, its is more that what is usually spoken verbally over 2-3 months. (including those days when she was still staying with us before she moved out after marriage) 

so for that, in a secret and not sarcastic way, i thank you for that because it has some how made our relationship closer. hahas. 

really some #sisterlylove going on there and it was quite nice to find ourselves standing up for each other- not in a way that is putting down or going against anyone but just for our own entertainment and pleasure. hahas. its really not part of the Poon family culture, buts its nice to know that ur family members do stand up for you for the slightest nonsense. hahas.

so looking back, the whole incident is really too childish for me to even criticize and comment on the what-can-be-improved/should/shouldnot-do. instead, i'm glad to have taken out so much positives from sucha pathetic incident on fb. hahahs.

to all u faithful readers, sorry to put u through all that if u guys really painstaking read line by line of the words from a complicated girl. hahahahsa

but nonetheless, thanks for listening reading! hahas

vomit all the shit out. empty it out and ready to take on more shit.

the tyre

the one that suffers the most stress

being stowed away when not in used

but always there.

i think i can make a poem out of tyres and people and relationships, but not in the mood now. (that's a good sign!)

from mother poon. (:

what i did today.

and an awesome dinner with my fav couple as always. (:

what a summary. hahas

after dinner, i went back to drop off my bike b4 sz comes back to my house and pick me up before  we head off for supper.

and so, i showed mother poon what amanda gave me. hahahas

nail polish, face masks and some moisturizers. hahahs.

mother poon, "wah, from boyfriend ah? ur boyfriend hinting to you to be more girly".

uh-huh. 

so in light of trying to be witty.. "yah yah. my boyfriend give one... (after establishing that it's a joke). siaow ah!"

hahas. and while leaving the house to meet them.. 

mother poon, "ger ah! bring ur jacket and all coz its raining u know. cold ah. dont forget ur helmet."

so kind uh.

so i told her no la... my friend driving me out.

she smiled sia.

she's probably convinced that i'm gonna see my boyfriend tonight.

hahas. i think she's more desperate than me.

ok wait no, i'm not even desperate. hahhahhaas. jokes.

but it's fun. coz i'm ensuring that photos of dinner with my fav couple is up on fb for her viewing pleasure. this is supported by physically showing her more photos from dinner from my phone that amanda sent me... just so that i can burst her bubble before it gets bigger.

ok. thats  over.

next.

yea. though i think that phase of my cycle's over, i just feel that i can't get over this phase this time round and its quite frustrating.

perhaps its coz of the book that i'm reading now?

perhaps its all because of the unsettled businesses?

perhaps its just so easy to get access to places that i dun wanna go?

its is so so hard.

and yes, Coldplay's fav song phrase:

nobody said it was easy

no one ever said its gonna be this hard

i'm going back to the start

and then the guitar goes jamming away.

while recently in tumblr...

hahaas.

just can't seem to escape right.

'right' as in right/wrong right.

perhaps i'm just getting used to all this melancholy and it wont be melancholic anymore!

以毒攻毒

(literal translation: using poison to counter poison)

sometimes i do wish tt we dont have whatsapp and just stick to msn. hahahahhaas.
ok. that was random.










i am thisssssssssss close tonight.............. but i'm using all forces to hold it back.

ok. looks like its gonna be a loooooong night yet again.
seriously too much time in my hands.







just looking at this old photo taken in class back at the Eunos days.

from strangers to friends to more than friends to enemies to strangers all over again.
its a vicious cycle.
some people will never learn.
and this includes me.
perhaps we all take a much longer time to learn
or perhaps a heavier incident to learn.






we're all learning.
maybe.
just perhaps.

everything in slow mo

hello.
(its gonna be a boring one)


today was kind and nice.


worked today. jo was working 1 level downstairs and was able to catch up with him!
just 2 orders for the day.
had time to finish up my law exam paper. now just left with the online quiz. after 2hrs last night, (accrording to the system) i'm 27% done. hahas.
had my kindle. and spent time reading while packing 2pax of ketchup, 3 pax of chili sauce and 5 servettes into 1 plastic bag to be ready for Poeyes' Day on Sunday. no, seriously. hahahas.
its some anniversary thing and 5 chickens going for $5.90.
Popeye's at its best. and the chickens are never frozen and hand marinated. *thumbs up*
whahahs.
and yes, go to the website, fill up some feedback form if u had a delivery, and u'll get a free chicken. hahas.
so much for the promo tonight. nope, not a nuffnang stunt.




went back. changed. and down to TP for fitness and Touch.



haven't really recovered from the sat sun mon trngs.
but i needa follow up with the 7s fitness regimes.
timing still quite jia lat as compared to my almost kenya-ish teammates. but! i've improved my pace of runs by about 10sec! we've been logging in our timings into the google drive and i noticed that improvement. and so, just 3 wks, but slowly and surely. (:



had a good time of Touch today. well, didn't play muchhh after all the fitness coz i can feel my thighs hardening up and that mcl of my right knee reminding me of its limits. so was just sitting down, watching them play, taking in the cool, quite night at the stadium.
some how, still heavy hearted.
but no, not to the point of emo. but everything in slow mo.



and all of a sudden, i realized that we're caught up in a h2h session with some of my juniors.
well, they were my juniors, but as we grow older, everything's more neutralized.




.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.




and so, after that short h2h session, played abit more, and then i was walking back to my bike.
the stadium lights were switched off, so all around was dark.
though it was a short walk, it was enough to for me to realize the my heart was lightened.



maybe all these while i just need to verbally voice out  those heavy anchors and set my ship free.
hahas. i needed a listening ear and a 3rd party's p.o.v.
though we aren't the best of friends or super close teammates, but everything was just nice. we have our own fair shares of struggles and takes about the world.





my coiled up wires  and messed up thoughts are still pretty much tangled, but at least they're more...spaced out.



being in
being out
being on
being rout.


really. we've got the religion, we've got the morals, we've for the principles, we've got our own fair share of experinces. but so, what does all that amount up to? and if so, so what?
what's the whole point of it all. for the good of our own? for the respect of our morals? for the faith of our religion?




before i even go into all that, i must say that my absence in church, my distance from God did waver my Faith. my God's unchanging, but Man is forever sinning and the fallen angel will always be there to find ways to pull you away from the Righteous one. period. ok, maybe not. there's so much more.



we're ever-changing.
adaptation, maybe?
to fit in, for the survival? maybe.
for the pleasures? maybe.


the problem tricky part to it is in its identify.
to which, should it even be defined? if so, for what?
perhaps i'm taking life's simplicity into a whirlpool of the 'what is'.


going back to one of my past life lessons, maybe giving up is really gaining some.
maybe i've indeed complicated things abit too much. sometimes, we really dont need to.
what it is, it is and there's no need to go deviate, go complicate and add on unnecessary icing.


*pause* HAHA. while i'm typing this, Nat Geo's "Breakout - Freedom Fighter" is on now. hahas. its about how 3 convicts are trying to escape from prison in which they eventually succeeded;  they're being interviewed and one of them just said "we had to get out. we had to escape... to find a key and break out to our freedom". .. "i had to make a key. that was the start."
whahhahahs. how #apt indeeeeed.
basket. and just visually, he's making a wooden key now in attempt to make a replica of the prison's one. and through testing, filing, he's made it. hahaas. steady. he deserves a medal for that really.
he's made to be an engineer pls or at least a spot in the special ops tactical team. hahas. Tim Jenkin






ANYWAYS.
k. i'm not really in the emo mood now to be retrospective and all coz i'm pretty much distracted by the documentary and i've still for the law quiz to do.
hahas.






but while i'm here, knowing that u'll be reading this, and probably a little surprised that u are still reading this, i just want to say sorry.
i dont have any explanation in which i think u wouldn't want to think that u need to accept anything.
but here it is. sorry for all the mental complication and i guess i really needa sort things out on my own. time has probably helped to ease out the crease. but i guess just so you know, i guess i really, do miss a friend like you and idk if i can.... contain myself when i'm with you.
yep. but no more emails pls. coz each time u do, i've got brilliant plans to hunt your bike down and pass u some stuff. hahas. i think that just put a slight grin on ur face, but that's not my point. hahas. and i should not do it.
perhaps i'll be regretting posting this up later. but lets just salvage every ounce of bravery i have here.
anyways i just want to thank u, somehow for everything and i just wanna promise u that this wont be the end because i know one day i'll be able to come of out of my cave.
till then. and i miss you.









bah. women.

what

I think what's worse than not getting what you want is not even knowing what you want.

















The all too familiar defeaning silence.

ready?

today, IRB level 1 coaching course from 9am till 5pm. i want to die.
but ok la, they really tried to speed up to make the 2 day course to a 1 day course.

hahas. just as i'm done with the sch projects, i got a whole new lot for things to do on my checklist.

i got the IRB laws to study (super duper long online quiz), Rugby Ready quiz, and the exam paper to hand in by next monday. 

its open book, but its not that straight forward.

honestly, i dont think i'll make an excellent contact rugby coach coz as a player, i've still got so much more to learn. but what i hope that i can take out of this course is to be more clear of the game and at the same time, able to help those that's new in our club.

Rugby unlike Touch has got like 10000x more rules. more game play. more everything. even about the fitness and conditioning, it cannot be taken lightly coz it's also really about safety in an adrenaline-rushed game at the end of the day.

--

i hope this would also bring me back re-direct my focus of the game.

honestly, i dun think i've ever shared this before, but what made me join rugby was because of u.

it's probably a....um... statement.. that i never wanted to accept as it was just.not.me. 

but after all these yrs, i think it doesn't matter how ppl think of me anyways. ppl should accept me of who i am.

secretly supporting u from the sidelines in the midst of the crowd was one of the most memorable moments for me. wanting to play the game, understand what u're going through, be it ups or downs, and also hopefully train and play alongside with u one day was one of the secret motivations.

and so, all along the model answer to why-i-join-rugby was 'oh, rugby is fun, challenging....' and the whatever nots, which is really all the truths to me that stand still to me up till this day. however, those aren't really the initial reasons to why i really joined rugby. 

many ppl ask me this kind of question, and so i have to say, i've been lying through my eyes. i'm never a great liar, so when ppl ask me, i do notice that i look around, avoid eye contact, displaying all the tell-tale signs of lying coz i really can't lie. hahas. but yea. 

and so, as the years go by, its really between because-of-you and i-really-like-rugby. and of course, the huge reason was you... and u know when they say that 'you'll start to believe in ur lies one day' or like 'the lies become the truths when constantly being spoken', it's partially true. its probably called self-denial in subtle success. hahas. and yes, over the years, i've learnt to appreciate the game and really love the sport. 

been playing competitive Touch for about 7 yrs now and Rugby 3 yrs.

i wanted to join Rugby first initially 7 yrs ago, but TP didn't have a womens contact team. and so i resorted to joining the Touch team despite going getting to my Business course through my bowling achievements in my sec sch days (under the STARS programme scheme). 

i could have joined Blacks 7 yrs ago, outside of school. however, my Touch coach then, didn't allow players to join any touch club or let alone, play Rugby. besides, with my bowling, touch, photography, dance and church commitments, i really didn't have any time at all. 

well, eventually all so was also to drown myself to keep myself fully occupied to not allow myself have any time or energy to think of u. come to think of it, i think i should be happy and proud of myself that i was able to have so much better time management and energy than now. maybe its the age catching me. oh wells.

and so, it was actually quite a great plan coz in the process, i get to learn alot of things, experience alot and really utilize my youth. ahhas. however, having said that, it was as good as pushing the problem away and not actually facing it.

--

sometimes i get so caught up with my thoughts.

my objectives and rationale get so destorted.

so deceivingly, 

so deceptively. 

but at this stage and point of live, i really have to recognize and identify some grey areas. all those 'left hanging' situation that really needs to be sorted out one day.

once or twice, i did drink recklessly excessively just so that i can have the courage and be brave to drop u a text saying that 'all these while i've been missing you just so you know', but i guess my better conscious-self, in a pool of all the intoxication, was still able to re-surface and not let myself abuse alcohol and let it take the blame for all my can-be-controlled actions. 

been drunk. been there. done that. 

and so, no matter how drunk we are, we still have that bit of self-control because of our Medulla Oblongata that's still very much alive on its own. and i guess i should be proud of myself on that.

and because of that, i think did unknowingly, used another you, in which i think u did used me as well. 

not so brutal as it sounds. but it was somehow mutual, not in that practical sense as per se.

in my opinion, it was just for each other's benefits though it really felt true.

and because it felt so true, i feel that i shouldn't be using u like that and let u use me like that. 

i'm glad that i was painfully able put on the brakes and execute a RTO before i let myself sink in further because i must say, i'm really confused at that point of time and i shouldn't drag you into this situation with me.

even now, it still bothers me coz i've successfully created another left-it-hanging situations.

now and then, i still miss you, so much that it makes things a whole lot more difficult because not only i can feel so miserable over 2 different people, but for the fact that its 2 different ppl, i feel likka... player.

ok, maybe that wasn't really the word that i was looking for, but i just know that it shouldn't be like this.

and for what's not started, it can't be ended. right?

sounds philosophical enough? hahas

but ok no, that doesn't justify anything.

and so, it started allllllllll because of you. the first you. 

(hahas. i guess i'm tormenting u readers by using so much you and not actually saying who or actually using like person A or person B).

hahas. whatever. i just feel so messed up now just like how u guys are feeling. just 987897928749382x more pls. tyvm.

really, i need to move on.

and its not just about removing the mental block. coz for about 7 yrs, i've tried doing so, but just look at the state of how and what i'm blogging about now. ahhas. #provenunsuccessful.

and yes, i know that i cant move on if i dun pluck up enough courage to settle it once for all with sheer honest.... courage. that's probably the only tangible solution.

i dont think i should ever resort to alcohol for whatever strength because that would just mean that i'm probably not at my honest self. and so, at the end of the day, i only have 1 solution which is to face it.

i really have no idea how u are doing and what's gg on in ur life right now.

i probably am still concerned but that's all i can do / should only do for now.

and y do i need to move on?

because now i feel myself so pointless to a point that i'm really out of the tangent. 

i'm not stucked at the fork of the road or anything, but i feel that i'm being pulled to the other side.

a side that's not so straight.

hahas. get the gyst?

and its just really becoming very unbecoming. 

and honestly, i am tired of all these coz i really want to truly start accepting ppl into my life and not be so so uncomfortable and to an extend, tormented. i just want to start accepting. and w/o letting go, i cannot hold on to the better future ahead. known or unknown, its better than what is now.

maybe its coz of the recently indirect hints from hk dramas. not just one but a few. the 7 yrs. the letting go. the understanding. the clarification. too much uncannily simliar situations... hahahhas... and also with the recent joking scandals about me and other girls with some of the nonsense boys in my touch club. hahahhas. though its really all just one big joke to keep our lives entertained, it really did made me realize that there's really so much more if i can just let everything go. 

there's way too much baggages on me and the plane can't take off with the MTOW. hahahas. (maximum takeoff weight.- pun intended!) hahas.

and as time goes by, it further proves that time does not heal all wounds.

time accumulates all these scars and its really about whether u choose to identify it or not. its not about concealment, but acceptance.

tmd. sucha unexpected heavy post.

(when i switched my laptop on to do the IRB laws. ahhas)

hahas. back in STL 2011 taken by Fiona Sniper Chong Photography. hahas.

i used to think that i was cool with this short and side-shaved hair. 

it was very practical, cooling, saved time, effort, water and rubberbands/ pins. 

that was probably another one of those moments in my life. wahhaahs.

Changi Airport

i guess being confusedly in denial is when what u've always been thinking/ assuming, doesn't physically tally with what see in real live. it this you like a shockwave, sending distorted signals being lit up synapses and mixed up neurons.


--



it always happens in T3.

(photo taken in long long ago Swesens! )

Changi Airport.
it has always been an alternate home where i do occasionally seek refuge and from.
in fact, i can say i grew up there. dad works there. dinner in the wkends in the airport was frequent.
last time was at swesens.. where there was a huge globe made up of international coins... also a colourful playground outside where i would be playing while my family queues for a seat. can't rmbr which terminal coz to me at that time, the Airport was endless.

have had many field trips there. in kindergarden especially. i vaguely rmbr there's an A&W somewhere.
as i moved on as a teenager, i always studied there. overnight. everyday... at T1 BK. until all the staff knows me.

even as i continue to grow, i continue to study there. from normal academics subjects to finally, aviation subjects.... no more T1 BK' as the big, spacious conducive place.. so now i mostly study  at T3 macs.

part time job as an AvSO. got posted to T3 transit area. countless trainings and epic occassions with angsty passengers there. in the transit area and especially in the gatehold rooms. politely arguing with them over 100ml waters and even had an experience of  single-handedly threw away 2 limited edition JonnieWalker Black Labels - upopened (coz it's not in the sealed bag).
but yea, its really an international platform where u meet countless ppl from all walks of life all over the world, in perhaps, just 1 15-min stroll down the terminal.


even my OJT was there this yr. at the airside.
also, at T3.
one of the most memorable job experienece i've had, meeting with ppl whom have made.an.impact.on.my.life. hahas. well well.

and now, i'm looking forward at having my life-long job there at the airport. even if i may not ultimately end up where i wanna be, i forsee that my relationship with Changi won't end just like that. hahas.



so indeed, Changi Airport always has a room in my heart or rather, is the room for my heart.
in the past, the viewing gallery was clearer. at night when i get bored of studying, i would take a walk there, looking at planes taxiing and even land. (can't find photos now.. its like 90940934820 yrs ago, lost in my harddrive).



and of course, apart from the daily stuff, there's the traditional take off and landing for family holidays, mission trips, adventure trips.. all happening there. also, sending off people, saying good-byes... all in that ever growing space.


and yes, after whole lot of short but intense bashed-up feelings at the carpark when i thought what would have been a routine park at the carpark, it was to send CQ off for the 9-months pilot trng. unearthly time of 7am, where some of my passionate teammates were there too.

"You can be my pilot while i can be your technician."

hahahs. it is meant to be an aviation joke but the joke was on the both of us all because of this incident in HK where i helped him release his ITB coz of all the mad games.

but nonetheless, have a good trip! 9 months is actually quite fast so yea, learn as much as you can!

caught up with jacky too today before he went in for his shift! 

hahas. so much rubbishhh he. but whatever it is, really, i hope all's gonna go well in the future yea. 

no one for sure can be confident of anything that's unseen. perhaps planning, heart, and passion can take u somewhere / anywhere ur heart may desire whilst satisfying the hole in the pocket. 

 went to sch today.

it was the LAST DAY.
DONE with the project.
DONE with the presentation.
passed my GasTurbine, and that makes a clean pass for all the papers. i think of the whole class, only roxas and i had a clean streak, with AirLaw being its infamous killer.
so i can safely say i'm DONE with the sch.

not that i super love the sch. but, i'll definitely missed it. all the lecturers and other school mates. thanks to all those who shared their experiences and imparted their knowledge with us. also the movement from Eunos to BAC and finally to the Seletar campus.


so now, its really just waiting for them to process the whole thing which apparently takes half a year.
may need to go down to sign stuff and not sure if there's a graduation or what, but i just want the cert and that would seal-off my time at ATTC.



what's next?
everything still a blurry. not w/o plans.
probably in the hopeful wait and prayer for my aimed company.
in the meantime, part-time jobs to earn $$. probably needa do one last epic adventure bagpacking trip or some sort to any parts of the world and just live in the moment.  needa getaway with nature for once last good time before i focus of the next loooong chapter in my life before i can really do another epic adventure.




--






you.
why you?
what's all these conflicting hesitation
what's all these mindset and whatever nots.
in no pursuit.
in no aim.
but everything is listless
everything else is bleak.








--


hahhas.
ANYWAY.
i think i should be like Changi ambassador or some sort. i sound so freakishly proud of Changi Airport. which i really am. coz its award-winning and for a small country like this, the world-class airport for excellent business flow, really provides a platform for a shrinking world.Sir Stamford Raffles had good vision, 一口咬定 that Singapore will be an amazing hub and port for transport/trade and stuff and its still is despite fierce competitions. #likkasir indeed.







anyway. on the last note.
3 wks into the S4.
camera crashed / SD card auto unmount.
samsung repair centre. #1
next day, back to the repair centre for collection. #2
next day, camera crashed / SD card auto unmount / phone auto restarts / batt heats up while charging.
back to the repair centre. #3 and gave me an express service with a total motherboard replacement.
3 hrs later, back at the repair centre #4. everything should be fine, miss.
and the next day,. camera crashed / batt heats up even when not charging.


i DEMAND a new replacement and you cannot expect me to go and and repeat and follow the whole shit again. i dont think i deserve such standards especially i've (actually no, mother poon) have paid good money for it. i dont think i'm being unreasonable coz i've been patience. 4 times to the centre in 1 week. i dont have all the time in the world. i dun care if u've got this no-exchange policy shit, but dun u think this is stupid????? really. imagine i dont have the bike and i gotta take the public transport which is 1 hr from home. to and fro, it is 2 hours. x 4 = 8 hours wasted.
and once i get my phone, i have to try and set it to sync with all my emails, unnecessary social medias and all the shit.
in the process, i lose my data miss out whatsapp conversations.
talk about opportunity cost.


i DEMAND because i CAN and SHOULD do so!