splitted.

omg. seriously. 6 big splits in one game today.
its all the 6-7-10 or 4-7-10. there's even a 6-7-4-10 today. and i converted a 6-7-10 today. that makes my 3rd conversion in my life. first one was during b div. hahas. i still rmbr. last collegiate also. i hope i dont have another one the next wk. ahhahas.


practice throw, i used guard. then, i took off. i like. bowled 174, 205 and then the 122. hahas. so i should be happy with my 500 series la.


i really feel gd w/o it. i just need to train more to understand the whole thing better. if i go trng, and i'm made to wear guard again, i dont think i'd wanna go anymore. its not that i'm stubborn or what. its just that i've really tried, made the changes and have not improved. i dont think a change in release because of an additional guard can take up to 3months. and what's more.. scores depreciate.


but yea. lanes got drier and the spilts just keep coming in even though some are pocket shots. ntu bowled a 907 for team today.



but yea. prospects look good for me.
i want this and, this time, its really on my own.



might probably need to get a new ball. hahs.
i will make my own decisions now.






gd to see my twin today! (: hahas. and his mother. ahhas. haven seen each other for quite some time already. oh wells. i'm looking forward to avail myself for every wk of collegiate. hahahhahas. oh yea. amanda, ur eye candy was there again. ahahhhahas.

prac seven

hahas. almost had an accident today. wahhas.
i was on major road, behind my instructor.
the car from minor road wanna turn out.. and we're travelling straight.

he almost hit my instructor.. i jammed break. almost stall. ahhahas.




then trng. damn tired.
i need to be faster.

study break

so. i guess study break starts now for me, now that all projects are cleared, lectures cleared and one more tournament to go.

things i wanna do.
- definitely bike. SUAN!
- choing my practicals
- ok, study.
- more dinners with friends.
- train for swissotel vm.
- train for the runs in nov.
- yea, train for the tournaments in dec.
- train for ivp.
- play the guitar more. it literally has dust on it.


amongst all, i need to spend more time with God.



today, with my still-very-stiff neck, i went for class. sometimes in class... i feel very letargic. maybe i dont have the drive coz i'm not sure if i'm still gg to take the exam in sept10 or not. tchr says next month, there will be guys coming down from NAFA to dance with us. :/ shrugs to the max pls. u know how much i'm against guys.
totally tsk tsk. coz it's their hols or smth.. so they're joining us. a month hello. a month.


and, teresa was asking.. isn't next month like next wk. like omg. thanks. hah. maybe i should be like at home for the month to study. hahas. okok. whatever it is, all the best to me and my class. may we all be technically strong by then pls.




my current boots is gg to buang alrdy. its my fav so far. went with me through bangkok, pirates and now, contact. i'm just gg to tape it up all the way. i hope it can last till sunday at least. the front's coming out.




today. i saw this nike bag. and i think i want to buy it.
pls tape myy wallet to my bag.

rest.

i officially had 15 hrs of slep over the past 4 days.


this morng, damn scary. i was doing projects all the way. slpt for awhile. woke up, cannot turn my head left right up down. can't lift up my right hand. had prob combing my hair and even get my hand to use the mouse. i literally used my left hand to bring my right hand to the mouse.

yea.

whole day pain lor.
still championly go for trng. now everywhere's aching. head is still rather immobile.


gd news is.. ALL PROJECTS CLEARED. whooots.
so now,.. its study break alll the way till end of oct wheere the exams are.
ahahhas.


i am v tired.
i need gd slp tonight.
well done for coming this far. ahhahs.

27 sept

my first official contact game and tournament..


SIM got CHAMPION! ((:
followed by NUS, NTU and SMU.


our first game was with NUS. could tell that for those who were nervous,we're trying to be more focused.. including me. not to think abt the opponent, but to just do our best. in the end.... it was a 15-0 to us. (:

subsequently, we played better tgt and our performance went up.

for me, i think i did pretty well. my mistakes were not really running into gaps at first. then it got better. i dropped one ball also. good things today were... i scored one by diving as the opponents were already tackling me at the tryline. it happened because liyan gave an awesome pass and b4 that, they did nice moves and inserts. another thing that i'm real proud of is.. i did my first gd tackle on the opponent at the last game. haha! i learned how to tackle properly only at the last trng on wed. so today i was hesitant. on the last game, there was this huge girl infront of me. she was twice my size and definitely taller. i looked at her and tell myself.. "oh boy. now what". ahahahas.
then because i rmbred that its really now or never and really to be agressive, so i made that tackle. hah! *pats back totally*. ahhahhahas. 100 pts for courage pls. and ar... it did work ok! good thing is, she was under pressure and the pass she made was a shitty pass. hahas. bad thing is, i reallly tried damn hard to bring her down but cannot. and, i think i aggravated my shoulder in the process. ahhahs. thanks
hahahas.



so yea. many lessons learned today. really happy with the team's performance since it was our first official game together. thanks to bel and juan who patiently student-coached us. they really made things clear and though it can be frustrating to ppl new to contact, no one gave up.







ok. so.
next chapt,
my sis wedding.



managed to get there early and bathe at her hotel.
nice to see the cousins.
i duno. maybe the feeling haven't sink in or what.. but its just damn wierd that my sis is married.
i think dad is happily smiling from above. he would been a very happy earthly father.
nice for families to get together. really tiring.
and its really gg to be a daunting fact that at home, it's gg to be just me and my mum. ): that's damn lonely pls.
then if the baby grow up and if i go to sch, mum's gg to be emoing at home. hahas. my sis better give birth to a baby in 2 yrs. occupy my mum pls.
so, i wore a dress and my first pair of dangling earrings that my friend gave me yrs ago. super girl today. u know, ppl actually really dont recognise me. its like.. not jking kind. but really don't recognise. hahhas. even the little girl. like omg. ahhas. just because i wore eyeliner and wore a dress, i'm not me anymore. hahahhas.



when u have this kind of family functions.. ppl ask 'when's ur turn'. to me, i really duno. nice to have a family. but i duno. just can't get over the unhappy days. hahas. anyway since i'm gg to chase my fireman dream, i'd probably dont want to put my family at risk anyways.
but oh wells. melissa and james looks very darn happy tgt. their pattern the same. haahs. a happy bride and a happy groom. hahas. in the morng, when i was totally K.O on my bed, the 'sisters' had tortured the poor groom b4 he entered the house. (sry, no pics for that). hhaahs. they made the guys pay big ang pows, eat horrible sour stuff, toxic concoctions, and even used masking tape to tape up the groom's leg hair b4 he can come in. hahas. abit sad to miss all those and the tea ceremony just because i succumbed to my slumber. but glad that the tournament did not make me miss anything out.


my fav photo of the day. hahas. although its like not sharp but i'm sure the official photog dont have this shot coz he's using flash all the way.

like this shot as well.

james seems to be replacing my dad. hahahahs.

the cousins of 2 generations.

arty farty siol. it was actually like that. didn't arrange it.

(: happily one family.

nice aunties whose husbands weren't there. hahas. they were seated with a group of young men. ahhahas.

ok. the sister.

the best cousin.

the other best cousin.


my shoulder is aching now.
feeling quite physically tired and emotionally confused.
project submission tmr!!

there's still trng tmr yow. ahhahs. trala.

on and on.

so thurs night i didn't slp right.

fri sch. submission.
then at night was team bbq dinner at nic's.
damn nice place.
honestly, i did have fun.
if i stay in the team, it would be because of the ppl. ahhahahs. oops.

i reached home at 3am. ahas.

9am trng at nyjc. ahhas. likely got ting. if not i reallly cannot get out of bed. we reached like 8.52am lah! earliest.

came home, do project.



tonight at 2am... sis starts her ceremonial and stuff man.
all the way till tmr dinner. sure end past midnight.
morng, tea ceremony and all those.
then.. sunig! contact.
excited and nervous. my 1st official contact game. ahahhas.
with the F1 and all, tmr sure spend $30 on cab.
tonight less sleept, tmr long day.
mon.. 830 lect. also project due. then last trng for sunig touch.

hahhahs.
i think monday night, i'll totally K.O.
0 no gd sleep for 4 nights. hoho.


oh yea. i dreamt that i whacked solomon or issit kaide so hard with a stick that they were hospitalized. i cant rmbr why.a ahhas. i hit their shin then the leg break.
damn weird. but damn funny. hahas


wish me luck!
may i draw strength from God.

hurting shoulder

last night, didn't slp again.
hahas. but not bad. i survived today.
pia the BB project. felt that i've done a good job.


today, had league.
brought the 2 bowling balls to sch and to the alley.
total of 4 buses and 3 overhead bridges.


when i started bowling.
my right arm felt this pain.
instantly, i knew it was a pull.
my score's weren't fantastic. last game, buay tahan, took out the guard since i felt that it was affecting my game. and good enough, i started closing my game. and bowl highest game out of the three. though the score also not say v fantastic, i felt back w/o the guard.

i think i need to train more w/o it. on and off, i might go back to my old habit. but i think i'll use the guard when i feel that i'm gg back to bad old habits.

through out, my arm was damnnn pain.



gd to bowl collegiate league actualy. heck if i win or not. just need to get into masters. nice to see all my old friends. today was nice to bowl beside all my friends.. corner lanes, but all 2 pair of lanes were my friends. ahahash. nice.



keong sent me back today.
last league home.. a short walk and 2 flights of stairs with the 2 bowling balls.



rested.
then felt damn pain.
couldn't lift my hand. ahhahas. was actually struggling to undress myself to bathe. ahhahas. almost got suffocated in my clothes. ahahhas.




i think mum's haywire.
abit abit unhappy. or chao bin.
damn eccentric.

kickin

i have kicked my left thigh for 2 consecutive trngs alrdy.
one time during touch. the other during contact.
i think its when i dive or fall down, i then to kick my thigh, or more glamly put it, fall on the dominant side.
pain k. it's super bruised right now. if ppl kena me, its ok. but is i kena myself.




project due tmr.
chiong tonight again.

my dance.

today's lynette's last day b4 she leaves to study.
teresa's leaving soon too. another 3 yrs
see what i mean.
everyone leaves.

i guess dance has taught me many things.
its somewhat like bowling.. everything's abt u and ur best.
certainly, ups and downs even in class, just like trainings. its a different kind of tiring and to an extend, i would say that ballet can be more tiring than rugby. in rugby, u can sub. for dance, no matter how dying u may feel, u must look as if u can go on and on and on. hahas. its the whole body that aches after that, not just the legs.

but oh well.
i duno where dance will take me to. it something that my mum wanted me to learn. partially coz i regrettedly chose ballet over piano when i was 4yrs old.


i just feel that time could turn back again. to train hard from young. to do more when i'm young. to just make use of the time i have for myself and for God.


anyways.



ytd's Diocesan Family Day. played capts ball. and really realized that i and i'm sure, most of the church ppl miss playing capt's ball on sat, 5pm at the carpark.
no such thing as stepping, GK GD WD and whatever nots. when ball's out, the whole world shout's play on. then last goal is called, all chiong like mad coz we usually play for like 1hr non stop. hahas.
then we keep the chairs and the guys have their soccer. girls bathe and get ready for dinner.

looking at Eldershield play, hahas it really reminds me of the past. how we actually good in sports not because we trained for it, but because we played in the good name of fun and fellowhip. then, it'll be dinner and no such thing as meetings.

i really miss those times.

so, meet gland. hahahas. thanks for the great gift for my bday. (: u make me remind me of thailand. ): okok. (: . ahhahas.





went trng after that.
it rained, so trng ended early again. ): sunig's like in about a wk's time. i think we need to train harder tgt. but yea. met up with some ppl for dinner. damn tired.
K.Oed last night.


u know, i must still rmbr that there's project submission this thurs.
its SIM Sportsfest this wk also. ahhas.
see what i mean by crazy sept. i'm in the midst of it right now.

20092009

it's still gland who tells me such stuff like 090909. 20092009. ahhas.
never fail. ahahhahhas.


i slept till 3pm today.
my calves were aching! hahas.
finally had a ggooooddd rest. too much of it.


then went around giving cakes to uncles for my sis' wedding.
had dinner at kushin-bo.. suntec.. with mum, sis and the little girl.
the cold war between mum and i ended last night. longest ever of 11 days. ahhas. its acually all thanks to the big trophy present that we started subtle talking.
HAHAHA.





wanna thank all friends who took effort to take out their phones and smsed, clicked on my fb page to write me a bday msg. it also proves another thing, no one uses friendster anymore. hhahhahhahahs. its all these little msges that makes me feel loved. HAHA. awwws. i can only show my appreciation through reply each and every msg sincerely. hahas.




tmr. start of the trngs and project meetings again. 3 days of many things huh! hahas.

sUNIg

so today's it.

let me see if i rmbr correctly:

Girls
Individual- Gold, Sliver (kristel and nic)
Doubles- Gold
Team- Silver
Overall: Girls Champion.

Boys
Individual- Bronze (yiquan. ahhahs)
Doubles- Gold and Silver
Team- Gold and Bronze
Overall: Boys Champion.

Overall Sch Champion







7am breakfast.
8am in the alley.
9am bowl
8pm finished.
2am home. and almost dying.





let's talk abt me first.

i didn't do well as i expected myself to do. but honestly, i think that it was at my best and i couldn't have done anything bettter unless to find my mistakes earlier.

well. i learnt 3 technical things today abt myself when i'm on the approach during a competition..
1) i never slide.
2) i never put my thumb fully into the thumbhole = restricted swing = 0 timing.
3) i never stay low / proper weight transfer on the 4/5 step/slide.
major lesson: personal internal environment can be majorly affected by external surroundings.


for the first 2 blocks.. it was the singles and then the doubles event. 3 games each. i really bowled like as if i did not bowl major competitions before. i really felt that i was holding back and not pushing as hard as i do in trng. maybe in the process of taking any form of unnesssary pressure off, i accidentally removed that sense of strength? hahas. does it make sense? ahhahs. i was actually confused until coach said something bright during debrief. "eh marian. where's my little giant? u're not like how u're in during trng. i want u to BOWL". it took me abt 5sec to understand and did some form of realization.
another bright thing he said b4 the tournament was "ur opponent is just you" ... smth like that. cliche and heard of b4.. but when applied to that situation, it just works.
gd to seee familiar nationals faces. the times we fought together and now, against each other. ahhas. now older and fighting for different schs. that's smth nice to look forward to for every competition.



my singles. total screw. i know i bowled a 137 avg. its like an avg i bowled in sec 1. hahas. the lanes was super... disgusting. outside flooded. inside relatively clean. infront med length heavy oil. so as u bowl. it gets worse. and when u shift, it confuses u even more. ahhas. for me, i just couldnt' go through my normal routine. so finding a gd line to bowl wasn't really my challenge. HAH. loser!
but i felt that it was a total let down to myself. everyone was off form and i just couldn't grab the chance. ahhas. i was just suffering like everyone else.



doubles.
my doubles partner was cheryl. she bowled well and i bowled like.. 14+ ehwws. after the event, manda told me we got 6th! i was like.. major shit! if i had bowled slightly better than trng, i think bronze was within reach. not because we're damn zai. but because the lane condition almost killed alot of ppl including me. but i felt that this block was my turning point. felt that i was coming back. but seriously. 6 games alrdy. that's damn slow to come back.




team event.
ok la. we tried. we tried to pace ntu's first team beside us which eventually won the gold. but it wasn't enough. i dun that that we're that nervous to affect our bowling to this extent la. alot of factors. but mainly, i think we're not trained tgt well enough. for me, i think it was the best series that i could come up with for the day. 452 or smth. 15+ for 3 games. not that fantastic, but rewarding after trying so hard to get back using 6 wasted and emotionally draining games. well, at least my games are climbing, showing no signs of giving up. ahhahas.



for me overall, i just felt hard to have chemistry. we tried and all. but just lacked the trng time tgt. it was the first time we bowled together as a team to compete. it's just cannot i guess. and honestly, while bowling, i was really thinking of amanda.. wondering how's she's doing and all. but real proud of her. hope today's a gddd and valuable experience cum lesson for her. gd job!

well. i just felt that this part could be majorly worked on.
but oh wells.


i think dc project submission affected my bowling.
no, seriously. hahas.
mentally almost blocked out because i didn't sleep on thurs night.
damn sad that i won no drinks, no meals, no happy meals and no $50. wasted such gd deals. ahhahas.



the guys one the other hand, bowled better than expected. i guess coz other sch's boys crashed at the 'right' time. (sry ahhas). the lane cond in the 2nd blk was much more drier. and by 3rd block, backend was clean and nice. area was gd for me.
i think schs are thinking that SIM are biased thinking that we had the upperhand of trng with the oiling since we're the ones who organised this whole event, plus, we won. could sense it la. everyone was just out to kill us as well.




then after the whole thing, amanda, sz and bran surprised me! ahhas. they gave me a Marian's Challenge Trophy! AHHAHA. it was a bowlingpin trophy. hahahs. happily surprised and shocked. i know its damn ex la. and like... ahhahs. damn sweeeeet. (: the feeling's like.. i didn't get to the team i wanted, i didn't get to bowl with my closer friends, i bowled like shit and still get a trophy. hahahahas. thank u. i love trophies. ahhas. sucha great motivation.


oh yea:
thank u all the helpers and supporters for this event. i'm really amazed by all yr patience... to marshall from 8am-8pm. being a bowler, watching ppl bowl and not bowling is not a nice feeling altogher. thank u for all the kind and contributing effort so much. i don that i can ever last for more than 4hrs. that's my caps. thank u all for contirubting the the gold medals in small and unnoticeable ways. reallyl appreciate all the effort. (: hope that nobody takes u guys for granted yea. w/o u all, nothing of today is possible.




ok so...
then was supper! and another surprised. they somehow managed to buy a cake and stole a few metal spoons. hahahhas. (: damn touched.


i realised, this yr's bdays are v special for me. they happen on the 'right' times.
for eg... that day.. i was damn emo.. and my closer few friends totally surprised me. i didn't know how to react, feeling filled with emoness, but damn bloody touched.
today, i bowled like cow and not worthy of marian and yet, all the bday stuff really cheered me up.





u know, i really thank God for blessing ppl who think of me and stuff. really! i nv see bday as an impt day coz like almost everyday, i have a friend's bday. so like.. super draining to everyday go and plan smth or even send out a simple sms. i nv really treasure bdays. but i'm just so blessed to have ppl celebrating for me. its really these little gestures that remind me to be cheerful.
thank u for ppl who direct and indirectly remind me to stay cheerful; reminding who i am.






so now.
decisions.
i'm really not sure to continue on with this. very very half half of +/- reasons.
firstly, it's expensive and super inconvenient unless u're rich.
secondly, its always the case that during the trng phase b4 a major tournament that something or someone may just screw up my chance of getting a medal. be it team line up or personal bowling.
i think the 2nd reason outweighs the first reason more. i believe that if i've got the passion and determination to do smth, i'll do it will and go all out for it. its just that when u're alrdy at ur peak. somehting just have to screw; even if u're bowling or trng well.

u see. for eg. i could bowl well of roll offs i'm on peak during off seasons.
alrdy 8th yr into bowling, i really know what's affecting






on behalf of Brandon lee's management.

why i'm in SIM bowling.

the 18, 20, 21st bday kids.

(:



stolen forks from Han's. ahhahs.

i will

did not slp last night.
came home 2am. pia DC all the way. no fb games. no farming. no tending to my restuaurant or fishing. ahhas. was damn focused.


sun rose.
ate breakfast and went to sch to continue.
felt like a dc marathon.
do and do and do till 5pm. then submit. champion.
didn't feel tired until i completed 'the race'.


on the way home... can't rmbr what happen. i know there was a jam at the pie. bus was crowded.and i was slpin while standing. i know i've got a few spastic shock moments in my sleep while standing. damn malu. but damn tired. ahhahs.



come home.
took my helmet. go for prac 6..
and...
I PASSED. whoooots. 2nd time. (: HAHAHA.
next is 7, 8.. then TP. omg. so excited. i hope to get license by dec! at least b4 sch start after the hols.



ok.



TMR'S IT.



either do or die.
no two way abt it.



for tmr, i'm missing 1 trng, 1 friendly game, and 1 game just for tmr.
may my sacrifice be worth.
more haste. less speed for tmr, marian.
i have this.

seriously, wtf.

sorry to be so uncooth in the language, showing no sense of respect and mannerism.



2 days to sunig.
duno who doubles partner.
team line up today then know.
like that... how.




whatever the case, punked or no punked, i am very disappointed.
i was all out to win with that. and now, u change. again.
f la. hahs.
u know, whateva. so much for being prepared. whatever the reason, it will never be a valid reason. think abt it. the thing is, i think all of us have the bargaining power coz of the lack of players. imagine on the day itself, we some how tragically fall sick tgt. hah. but no worries. it's just too much because no point. after all, we're fighting for the sch and for ourselves. no one more.
whatever it is, heck it. i should just shut up.


let's face it. out of 9 games, i have 6 to fight hard for. and my aim is to have at least a 230 game so that i can get $50 out of brandon's bet. my aim is for my avg to be 10pins higher than when i first stepped into SIM although now its all so screwed.
instead of being bitter and all lose-heart... may i walk out of that alley, being proud of myself when someone ask 'how did u bowl'. instead of being humble and all, may i once be proud to say a '23 18 18'. hahas. yea. that's my aim.



tonight, finish up with my dc report.


tmr. start thinkg abt my game. abt the line. abt how i'm gg to do it. whatever the result, i just have to make sure that the result is gg to be the best result that i can come up with and let nothing unnecessary affect my game.
i know i have this. its a matter of whether i'm able to focus on the right thing, carry out my routine and follow through. i will be marian.
i know i want this.
i should really play my heart out. it might just be one of the lasts. period.

headed

gd to see uncle sam at sq2 today. (:


trng was gd for me. i think i should still step up more. initiate more and change lines of run more quickly.


then another trng.
my head hit the ground 3 times hard today. neck hurts. dont have basics. need to learn to fall and bring ppl down the correct way. but i think i did ok today. can be improved.
need everyone to communicated, stay deep, stay far and give their 100%.



ok. tmr. last trng b4 sat.
for sat, i have to kill ppl. its my last chance.
i should have this in my hands.
no one's gg to stop me. HAH.




and. tmr, CHIONG DC.
fri submission.
(: march onward ju!



ahhas. omg. my life is abt trng and projects. = no life.
hahas.
but i like. takes my mind off stupid things.
well, i had a dream last night. a long movie. and u were inside. ahhas. it was damn wierd.

out

MR finally done.


ok. so line up is finally out; 4 days before sunig.


today. i just felt that if i'm not comfortable with the ball, i found it hard to pick up my spares. either i duno how to shift coz i duno the ball reaction, or i'm not accurate with spares enough.

well, i dont think i'm stubborn coz i really did try to use the ball to suit the lane. but if i can't, means can't. i'm pretty sure on sat what i'm gg to use. not because i dun trust the new balls or what.. i'm just still very unsure of its reaction and really, with my fav ball, even if i dont make that strike, the spares will come in.

hate to be off form nearing tournament. always like that. super on form. then because of some changes.. screw up during big games. when i'm on form, no big games. damn.



no matter what, when the team line up was announced, i'm damn excited to bowl hard and bowl well on sat. brandon promised amanda and i that if we get 230 and above, we get $50 for the game. and if we both bowl that tgt, he'll give us $70 each.
GOOD deal.
nothing to loose.
just whack.


i'm sure i'm gg to do well if i focus and do what i need to do. i'm not gg to let anything or anyone screw my game. i wanna see the results and be proud of it. what's more exciting, i want to see how u guys do it tgt. HAH.
i have this.

A lon e.

f.


nv felt so away before.


mum and i cold war since tue.


then ppl leave.
u know, ever since dad left, i told myself to really treasure ppl around u. now that m and d is gone too, i feel that so what if i treaure them when they were still around. i still miss them alot.
f.
just like how dad left me all of a sudden w/o warning.
f.
and, just like how u left me because u just wanted to.


now, my homie jammer bro gone to NS today.
AND. my biker buddy bro also gone into NS today.
f.
what's with today and september?!


its like. thanks la.
everyone leaves like that.
y can't SG offer better, well-established and yet achieveable local unis?

ok la. it's not like all of them will leave forever or smth.
haiz. just emo la k. let me dwell in my emo zone now.



i duno why i'm so gibberish today. maybe its the clashing of project dues and major games day. just cannot divide my brain to 2 seperate focused entity.


my bday is like coming and usually, i'd really be looking forward to it. maybe its coz of the gathering of long lost friends and like another opportunity for long lost ppl to write to me or smth... but this yr, i just dont want my bday to come.
its just wierd.
i just dont want to be reminded of another yr w/o u.
f.
y can't u get off my hook. damn.



maybe everything's like that coz i've been away from God. i haven't been finding Him for rest and comfort... just the normal stuff and nothing that's really coming from deep within. not because i don't want to or no discipline.. just duno what's the prob.


hate to be in a happy and sad situation. u just duno how to function or respond accordingly.
am i really becoming more dependant on my surroundings to how i react to things? i dun think i'd ever want to admit that i need someone to be there. i hate it when ppl leaves a void. in the first place, dont come and create an opportunity to do so in the future. dont even make the promises and start.

then now, all major thanks to u, i feel that i've subconsciously become an introvert (hah. big laughs to many). it feels that i'm unable to deal with issues of the heart. siol. i tend to be confused. i really dont know what i'm searching for... or even if i'm really searching for right outcomes and answers.
but the good thing is, i'm glad to be able to be glad. to not have to put on a happy mask, but to really give good sincere laughs and smiles. maybe that's my talent- to be able to be sincere in doing smth. hahs. then when i'm all enclosed and alone, back to emo mode. maybe that's also my downfall. whatever know.



i miss my 6 stringed instrument.
i need to play u.
more hardcorely.



one nice thing that happened was that my gd friend's getting engaged! ((: v happy for her. known them for yrs and it's really pleasant and great to know that she has someone to walk her future with. (:
we trained tgt for yrs, went through ups and downs and just watched each other grow up till where we are today.
rock on babe.

gones

first mavis.
then dee.


): trngs will nv be the same alrdy.
may i continue to train harder.

linked

switched from w to l today. and honestly, i think it was much better. i felt that i could see things better and execute things better. maybe this is then the position for me. i still feel that my defence is v shaky. but i think as a l, its better coz in c, i really feel that i'm damn unfit.


i really hope to take more ownership in my game and start making big improvements. i need to step up more.
what's more impt, be confident abt it.



): trngs gg to be damn lonely w/o mavis and dee. ):
HAIZ. journeys to and fro will never be the same. ):





HAHs.

thank u

today i was damn emo.

perhaps it was the weather.
or perhaps it was a built up of things.

its just the little fall-shorts of stuff.
to just put the whole thing, life's just not fair.
no one said it has to be fair anyway. its just that, why me.
always short of this [] bit to something bigger.
i duno.
i just can't accept all these.
constantly happening.
constantly expanding.
call me sensitive if u want, u just don't understand. u won't unless u're in this situation.




i miss alot of ppl. estee jamin joelle vonne and gabriel. i miss the times we cranked our heads to produced reports. we complain. but i think deep down, we really enjoyed those times. sara and geraldyne. wru.


u know, i've always once said i dont need friends. i can. and all those stuff.
ever since i've got u, u've taught me to depend and trust others. good, but then bad.
now that u've left and superly broken all kinds of trust, i find it hard to tune back to where i was. still trying to pick up the pieces after all these yrs. tsk tsk.


is a person strong when she says one can be strong in weak times? i think strong ppl are those who are subconsciously stronger than they think in tough times. the best part is, they just don't know it. the weak ppl are those who often wants to be strong; key word: trying.


heck.
kill me right now pls.



anyways.
i went home after sch. a day w/o trngs.
overslept.
then went out again to meet my friends for dinner.
they surprised me!
it was supposed to be like a dinner for a friend who's gg into the army. then it became my bday dinner. (: super early, but super appreciated.
after such an emo and super sian day, my whole being cannot seem to accept the nice feeling. honestly, i wanted to cry outside as inside was tearing alot alrdy.. but i stopped myself coz i dont like to cry just like that. i mean like.. u know.. those type of so-touched-so-i-cry kinda thing.
but really, i was (: inside alot. coz these are the ppl i can trust in that building. hah.
thank u for ur time n effort. (:



seriously, i duno why i can't blog as freely as i used to be able to.
u know, i just dont like the fact that when i post pictures of my friends and i having fun and all, some ppl will just make noise, kick up a big fuss that they weren't invited or rather, red carpeted to the event and all. hahas.
if any of u ppl reading this have this omg-is-it-me-is-it-me feeling, then its u.
hah. i believe that if one is subconsciously aware of smth but constantly rejects a fact, when triggered, one will be sensitive and anal abt everything.

tmd. i think that's y my blog is so not colourful unlike last time.
my blog just don't justify the colourful (in a good way la) that i'm living now.


yea.
then. i explored singapore.
i just needed that time to be away. to be away from all the things.
i didn't do project today.
i think i just need this time out for awhile. tmr, whole day out. sun, i have to get started again.
its like, now i'm like a stalled bike. on sunday, i'll have to kick start it.
next wk, big wk with the submissions and sat... SUNIG- w/o knowing what's our line up yet.
hah.



oh boy oh boy. 5.31am.

nano.

hah. bowled like kok today. actually was ok. but i think i focused too much on trying to bowl on an area rather than hitting my routine. i dont understand y the tournament is like next sat and we still don't know who to really go to to use the time and bond with the ppl we need to bond with. that's like. sad.





u know. i took MRT from home to bukit batok. with 4 bowling balls. and peak hr. tmd.
SG are just kiasu, inconsiderate and like to stare alot. the 20min walk from home to the mrt station is enough to kill. passing through the MRT station $gates (whatever u call those), ppl just dont give way. even on the train, ppl just dont.
like to rush rush rush.
if only i've got tons of money to spend on cab.seriously. it is dangerous u know. imagine i fall down the stairs b4 sunig or smth. ahhas. CHOY AR.




ah.
but today. super sleepy. perhaps slpt too early last night or smth. i slept at 2am and auto woke up at 8am then went back to slp till 10am.
hahas. not used to slping so much i guess.

ok.



ipod new nano's out. hah. and i though5 steve jobs' like majorly ill and all. apple still going on strong huhs.