reviewed

today felt unexpectedly much better.
i might have (as usual) underestimated the Grace of God and His ability to assure u peace when you ask of Him.

to give myself some credit, i guess its also nice to know that i am able to recover fast.
falling hard and fast, i should be able to pick myself up hard and fast too.
it took one whole day, but i'm glad that i should be taking on Monday just like ordinary sportspoon.

of course, its not all gone.
but i guess i'm more... guarded? ok. not so severe of a word. probably just careful and not let my emotions get the better of me.

many lessons learnt. as usual.
but i shall not share it here coz i guess its too much of a personal level and i myself dare not say so confidently until the next hit.
but one major take-away i guess is to really know the importance of being able to stand on ur own 2 feet, w/o dependence on anyone.  i mean all christian faith aside and just in practical terms luh. this is kinda indirect, but i guess i should never ever fall into anything or anyone unless right from the start, i am confident of a journey in the long run. of course, one will never know and can never be so sure right. but i guess, some bit of ourselves do have that skill of risk-assessing? idk how to put it, but i'm just relieved that i'm back to normal after sucha hard hit.

ytd i reallly really didn't want to see u coz i know that while being so emotionally unstable, nothing is going to come out right, nothing u say will make sense and nothing i say will help anything. and of course, in that state, i was sure that i wanted to never ever see u again. since u didn't even want a hi-bye conclusion of the friendship, it was legitimate for me to ignore u for life.
and here comes Sunday, in church.
i didn't wanna go as usual, but since uncle asholi was here all they way from Chiang Mai today, i wanted to go down and see him.

i was abit late, but managed to catch the last 3 worship songs. idk if its God's plan or not.. ok wait. yea, it has to be God's plan.. the 2 songs hit me straight right through my heart. and i just felt comforted in my own little corner with the lyrics.

i cried again, but this time, it wasn't out from the broken heart, but its more towards a sense of relief and comfort to know that God's love is bigger than anything in this world.

and when i came in late,
the first song was: You Are So Faithful

Verse 1:
Like the sun that rises everyday,
You are so faithful. Lord, You are faithful.
Like the rain that You send,
And every breath that I breathe,
You are so faithful, Lord

Verse 2:
Like the rose that comes alive every spring,
You are so faithful. Lord, You are faithful.
Like the life that You give,
to every beat of my heart,
You are so faithful, Lord.

PreChorus:
I see the cross and the price You had to pay,
I see the blood that washed my sins away.

Chorus:
In the midst of the storm
through the wind and the waves,
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful,
When the stars refuse to shine and time is no more,
You'll still be faithful,
You'll still be faithful, Lord.

and right next was the song: Simply Worship

verse 1:
I come to You in humble sacrifice
Hear my heart I worship
The cares of life I lay them at Your throne
With childlike faith I simply worship You

Verse 2:
No greater love has my heart ever known
In awe of You I worship
My spirit soars when my heart beats with Yours
Embraced in love I simply worship

Chorus:
Jesus how could I live without You
Jesus I simply worship You

Bridge:
Your love compels me to come
Into Your presence I will run

those in bold were the parts where i felt my broken heart literally cringed.
it was in a good way.
and really, i cannot describe this Faith i have unless u know my God. it may seem unrealistic or rather, man-made coincidences/ self relations, but i choose to believe that its the work of God and nothing can take that away. even the devil know's likka musician can't intercept this if God really wants me to get the message.

and so.
i wasn't playing 100% attention to the sermon.
kept on thinking and thinking and finding reasons for the whole episode.
idk if i've got a conclusion or what, but i know that i'm able to let this go.
honestly, i did think of meeting u tonight, or hoping that u'd ask me down again but i guess i couldn't be so sure.
sure of what? of many things. u might not want to meet me. and i still have that fear that it will just be because of me wanting to meet u and so u wouldn't want to meet. whatever it is, the outcome of my requests will always be taken into a negative light. so i gave up, again.
it wasn't because i was disappointed in u or anything, but the bottom line is just that i didn't want to risk the chances of me getting hurt. besides, u'd be tired from a day's shift and i guess u should get some rest though many a times u think u dont need it.
i know u will be reading this. but really, sometimes u need to ask urself some questions and it's not always just about me.  i cannot dictate ur thought processes neither can u criticize mine to such a level because in both ways, we are not each other and we have no right to say that we know what's best for each other.

i've long ago ran out of reasons to deal with u because there are somethings that u urself need to deal with it urself. its not that u dont know, but i need to face it straight. its not because i'm choosing to abandon u and leaving u in the lurch, but i do trust that u have that ability to figure it out and believe in it. i've probably unknowingly explored it with u as u may have suggested, and i do have my own understandings though they are just rough inconclusive conclusions.  i rlly dont think its some mental illness or however devastating u might wanna classify it under; i just think that maybe, u should stop thinking so much.
idk how to put all my thoughts and understanding into a nice concise and accurate presentation of the everything, but all i can do is to just pray for u and continue to give u the time and space u need. and in that, i just hope that its not going to be taken against me again.
i dun have to explain this coz i guess u should understand what u are talking about.

but whatever it is, i have to give this whole episode a close.
its not a pretty decision. but its at least a decision.
i can only say so much, and do so much.
however u want to interpret it, its really up to u.
even if u say that everything is all because of me me and me, ok, i accept that because there has to be reasons which surfaced from ur own perceptions in which, i can only say that i'm oblivious to.
whatever it is, thank u for this ride thus far.
i'm not banking on anything in the future with regards to this friendship in which both of us struggle alot to find its equilibrium, but i'm probably sad to lose a good aviation friend.
who knows, we many end up as colleagues one fine day.
but i dun wanna think about abt anything of such for now.

and i also guess that it's not safe for me to say that i want this friendship back. not because i dont want, but because i'm sure that u are also not confident in this. confident of what? only u have the clear definable answer and probably, i'm the one u can put all the blame on if u wish. i'm not being sarcastic here, but i guess as a girl, i may have accidentally send the wrong signs and signals in which, i shouldn't say i regretted it, but i guess i need to learn to practice more self control. i'm pretty sure by reading this, u're drawing all kinds of reasons/ excuses in ur head, but really, it doesn't matter anymore.
probably right from the start, we're already on different pages of the book. same book, but just different chapters that can never meet.

oh wells.

it just felt so.... clear this morng. not crystal clear, but clear enough for me to get on with life and not be so affected by this.

and, i saw (the other) u in church today.
its not every sunday that u're in church, same goes to me.
and since i've smsed u a highly weird and random sms the day before, i guess it gave me more reasons and that subtle courage to just be random. and so, as he walked pass by, i was able to say "eh! sorry sorry. paiseh ah." and we both laugh it off. and he was also being normally casual about it and i just felt so...... thankful. idk how he could do it, but that was it. it was probably the first time in yrs that we've communicated face to face, though it was less than 10sec, it was enough to put my troubled and very jumpy heart at ease. of course, no form of hope was ignited, just thankful that at least, communication was possible.

and with that whole episode + the sms + the reponse... i can only conclude... give up & let go.
i guess its time to realize that i'm unable to seek any form of close relationship with a guy. most of the time if i see them as a bro, it gives them reasons to think otherwise. and if i should see them as sometime more than a friend, not the bgr kind, just closer than friends kinda friends, things might just take flight as much as both of us dont want it to.
is human nature really that hard to control / be at a achievable constant?
how long can platonic friendships really last?
i dun have answers neither am i interested in finding out.
and as mentioned earlier, on my part, all i can do is to just take more effort in being aware of my actions/ words. idk how i'm going to do it, but i just wanna commit everything unto God.

on another note, a Boeing 777 crash landed at LA last night
):
idk but it was the first time i felt so much for an aircrash. hmmm. idk if its coz of the melancholic emotion i'm dealing with right now, but i think its coz of the closer understanding i have for planes now. what's more, its a boeing, and its the triple7 and its also where my job deals closely with this fleet of planes.
the aircraft fell short of the runway. nothing should be concluded until further investigations, but some say ILS not functioning, pilot error and so on. i mean if the ILS is not functioning, there's still the DME or at very least, ATC's help. ok. i dont know much about flying, but it's still a Boeing with all kinds of systems for redundancy. i guess its just a case of miscalculation and realizing the error too late. let's wait for the investigation report. but meanwhile, condolences to e family members of 2 who perished and many more who are seriously injured. ): also, may all personnels involved work hard to get this solved and find good time/rest management.

And on another random note, Gordon Ramsay lost the battle with the hawkers in Chicken Rice and Laksa cookoff coz its literally out of his league. Hahas. But he won the chilli crab one coz this one is Jumbo's one and hence in the same league.
Random. But I just wanna note it down here coz im proud of Singapore and our awesome hawkers whom we have always taken granted for.
#asianpride.

Ok.

sigh.
i've said so much.
reasoned so much.
but i can only do so much.
and hope so much.

i can never be sure of tomorrow, but i do know its a Monday, and the sun is going to rise from the East. kill me if it doesnt.
whatever it is, i just want to be back to myself.
i dont want to hurt anyone, give anyone wrong signals, and the list goes on.
idk what's on ur mind right now, but i can only come up with a blank page for myself. too much or too little is never going to be right. i can't be so sure of anything, and neither can u.

and after saying so so much, i can also conclude that i've ran out of a plan.
not that i'm not capable of one, but i dont want to plan anything on this. its not the same as hope though.

but one thing i can be sure of now is that, i am going to slp.
good night.

go away.

so freakin upset now that i just wanna rot my life away.
i know u will be reading this and if i could, i'd find ways to block u off this space.
i dun even want to vent my frustrations out here coz i want to lock u away but i still need this space as it is.



u've really done so much damage this time and we're not even at a stage where our lives should mean so much to each other.
i'm not even expecting anything.
its ur freaking bday and as ur friend, i wanted u to be happy. period.
but idk how and y u could freakin throw everything so off the tangent.
whatever is said here is just going to be against me from ur point of view but f care. i can't be bothered with how u feel anymore since u urself can't find that decency to pick urself up no matter how much time, effort, patience i've tried on u. i'm not even asking for anything in return but seriously, u are just not being cooperative to help me help u.


calling u selfish doesnt do justice to the damage but i do know that u dont mean it.
see. even while being so bloody angry, frustrated, i still want to put in some form of understanding which i feel that u actually shouldn't deserve.


i thought a good night's of sleep was able to let it go. but when i woke up, i realized its still the same and idk what i've been doing the whole day. no, i'm not thinking of u or hoping that u are well or what coz it doesnt matter. right now, i deserve some peace and comfort which i can't seem to find from doing anything at all.



in all of that frustration last night, it gave me 20sec of courage to msg the other u who have left me 7 yrs. that one msg i've been desperately trying to contain it behind these walls.
last night, that's how massive it was, finally being able to push through the walls and start putting those cloudy words into concrete pixels and then finally clicking 'send' after 7 long yrs.
and when i woke up the whole day, i regretted it, but quite glad that i still did it coz now i f.i.n.a.l.l.y do have a rough understanding of this whole leftaloneissue when u replied me 12 hrs later. and so, it adds on another slash over the open wound and i feel like i've fallen 9084092839 miles down.
killed, but stabbed in and out, again.


everything felt so numb since i think i'm worthy to be called an experienced one with the heartache. but some how as i continue to channel all my thoughts here to these typing fingers, tears are streaming down w/o permission from my heart. i dont want to wallow up in self-pity her but i really dk what i'm done to deserve all this shit.


all i wanted was a simple friendship.
but u who wanted more give so much reasons to take it further. i tried to work things out but u took it so offensively.
at this point, i should give up trying to accept ur point of views. but even when i do, u still continue shoot back at me as if its my bloody fault. give up or no give up, its makes no difference. and so, i've decided to painfully abandon u in ur own well, but again, i've being thrown with guilt all over again and it really shouldn't be like this for me.


to say i care so much for u is an understatement.
u've pushed me to a vantage point that i've not explored before.
u've thrown me to an area that i dont want to deal with. its not that i've not explored before, but its so much deeper down than how i can define that such a depth is even possible.
and everything becomes my fault, my actions, my heart, my mind, in which, all of these i still dont see what i've done to deserve it.



the only proud thing out of ytd was going through all of my plan A B Cs to present a light-hearted gift for u since it was a day to rmbr ur life on earth. honestly, i'm not a bday person. i dun rmbr bdays. not even my family's or even father poon's. i dun even like celebrating my bdays coz like u, i feel that is just like any another other day on earth. but, i just wanted to use the opportunity to cheer u up. but hah, u took it offensively. i dun even know how u could do it to an extreme scale like this - just evolving from a light hearted and harmless gift to this.
i proudly had to call myself a talent for some form of consolation because w/o me knowing the details of ur address, i managed to locate ur unit by jig-saw puzzling, permuting and cross-tabbing all the clues from whatever sources i could mentally fixate from. and i thought u would be pleasantly and positively surprise.
yea. surprised indeed.



i cannot say i hate u now coz its out my league to hate anyone because u are after all a creation of God.
but i just dont deserve all these.
its not like i've betrayed, stabbed, suffocate u or anything. i dont even expect anything from u. all i did was try ways and times in moments to hopefully spurr u on in life and lead a positive one, everything in ur light. but to u, it seems that it was all for me just cannot see if from my pov. so am i right to say that i shouldn't want for u to be happy since making u happy makes me happy and i'm denied of such a privilege? is that what u really want? and when i ignore u, give u space and time and all, i'm being selfish coz its all for myself?
im just so, so amazed that u of this age and experience can come up with such conclusions.


my exhausted heart has probably reached its inverse-peak. u've successfully brought it down to ground zero. ok, no. maybe right deep down into the fiery core of this earth, allowing me to realize that this is the world, this is reality, so, welcome.
maybe i'm just too naive in thinking that platonic friendships between one boy and one girl can exist.
maybe i'm just too naive in thinking that guys wouldn't like a girl who's a tomboy and doesn't wear a skirt.
maybe i'm too naive in allowing my low self-esteem to supply reasons to be myself.
maybe from this on, i shouldn't be myself.
i shouldn't be nice.
ppl take it wrongly
ppl start expecting more.
ppl are not thankful.






i'm not seeking any form of appreciation, but i would be more than glad if u could not hurt me like that.






i dun care who's reading this space right now
and i dun think i want or deserve anyone's comfort.
its not that i dun deserve or think that i dont need it.
but i just think that i should manage this on my own.
since its all about me allowing u to hurt me right from the beginning, i have all the responsibility to wake myself up from the depths and shift my focus on things that matter.
i started this emotion and i should jolly well be able to surpress it.



right now, the shift should be towards my job.
my pay is like shit.
everything's not justified.
and i dont want to go into the details.
but still, its an opportunity to learn and give back.




this world is unfriendly and i should have known right from the start.
everyone is plastic and only finding ways to satisfy themselves.
even the nice ones cant be trusted because everything is for self-preseveration and own benefits.
helping one another makes u feel good. and so, just because u feel good, u help others.
no one on this earth can be trusted.
and though it seems that everything i say is out of the fit of anger, i choose to believe this to protect myself. and its not likka 1 time off experience. it repeats like an alarm as if i'm choosing not to accept it.


i've met so many kinds of people in my life and i can say that as a conclusion.
not even the christians can be trusted.
its human error. no one is perfect.


i've got one night + one more day of weekend before Monday comes.
and when Monday come, i should rightfully expect one thing: for me to be back normal again.
not just back to me, but back to a stronger and realistic me.
by then i should be able to manage the ups and downs, not letting it go out of the graph paper.





i dun think i wanna change the intention of being nice to people even though..... omg. f it.
enough miss poon.
get a grip.







-



everything it prayer.
and dear God, i just wanna commit everything to u. my ups my downs, i wanna lay them at Your feet.
pls do as u will as i've always been trusting with this. i wanna cast all my cares and burdens upon u because its only u who can deal with this. its only u who will not fail and be there for me even when i chuck u in one corner thinking that i can manage it on my own. thank u for creating me and loving this creation whom u've given all the freedom to do what we like even if it breaks ur heart. thank u for not leaving even when i always fail u. pls continue to guide me be that helm of my ship. let me be ur vessel for Your love and not mine. All love comes from u and human will continue to sin against u.
and even as of now,  i do wanna pray from him. i will trust u because ur plans are never to hurt us. even if it does, its because u've planned it with a goodness out of it that we may not see nor comprehend.
thank u for watching over me and my family and i just wanna thank u for this wkend.
though the world may continue turn its back on u and continue on with whatever they think its right, i pray that ur Will and love will shine through. even the devil knows that and he'll continue to abuse it.
and in all things, i pray that i can put u First in light of wwjd so that my actions won't be of human error but of God's love. thank u once again for hearing me despite me now seeking ur Word.
amen.

tracing his steps

thought that i should do a post tonight coz of the many unexpected things that happen today.





last night i somehow fell asleep in my train of random thoughts, thinking that i couldn't slp in which i eventually did. and so, i did not set my alarm clock.
usually the plan is to set at 7:05. snooze till 7:15. leave house latest by 7:30. reach office by 7:51.
its been like that for 3 wks now, and thanks to my adaptable bio clock, i self-woke at 7:36.
jumped out of bed and left the house at 7:44am. and, reached the fingerprint scan machine at 7:59:56. HAHAHS. then failed on the first attempt, so i clocked in at 8:00:06.
haahas. technically its still 8am, so i'm ON TIME.
amen.


9:30am. had to go down to changi!
happiness.
always good to get away from my desk.... but i was a weeee-bit reluctant coz there's heaps of task to be completed before a meeting on thurs with our parent boss. but i went anyway.
2nd time at the airside as an employee under my company.
ahhhas. in both days, saw my ojt company's boss. some stuff i dun really wanna say here, but quite funny. saw some of the ex collegues too, but i guess they dun recognize now that i'm not in my coveralls. ahhas.




supposed to go do some ground checks to facilitate the planning process.
but...my other boss (aka uncle ng) decided to bring me around ec's offices and intro me to my dad's old friends.
i was surprised man.
very pleasantly surprised coz he actually took time to walk me through. since my company is somewhat part of ec in a simplified way, it wasn't 'legally/politically wrong' to do that.


it was heart-warming to see ppl's reaction when they see me.
"oh.. Poon's daughter ah!!!" and they all laugh. from those unanimous laughter, u can tell what kind of of guy my dad is in the office- the full of shit and all day nonsense kind. but of course, a well respected senior tech that never fails to make ppl's lives a happier place to live in. hahas.
and i'm really surprised that some of them know me and my family and all.

he also brought me to see some higher ranked bosses who knows my dad but they were all in a meeting. ahhas. wasted. tee-hee.

and.. one of the admin side ppl even searched the database and showed me this!!!

omgs can. i think this is the MOST RECENT photo he's taken ever. i dun even rmbr his last photo and this might be it. that humble smile that conceals the big heart this guy has.
when i saw it, my heart cringed in at least 4mm in. coz it just felt like he's just with me just last wk.
idk y, but i can't seem to emotionally adapt to not having a father and all.

i mean like, imagine if we're in the same company now. doing the same stuff. have more worthwhile arguments now. and and, me having a legally higher authority over him. ahhas. it'll be funnny and i'm pretty sure the whole office clan is gg to make fun of it. good fun that is.


as i walked down the dimly lit aisle of ec offices, it feels that i'm literally tracing my father's foot steps.
uncle ng brought me to where my dad would hang out/ wait for flights/ big staff pantry / lockers and all.
to me, it was somehow a first to experience such.... feelings. idk how to describe it with my limited vocab, but i just felt like he was with me / i'm gonna see him / seeing what he saw/ going through what he's gone through.


and further more, uncle ng and most of the guys are pretty old and do have that fatherly figure. what's more, their pattern all the same. and in that moment, i'm pretty sure that i do want to work with all these people eventually, some day, and sooon pls.


but i guess for now, it's just gonna be a fulfillment of some sort, a way to gain experience, a form of putting my degree to some kind of good use, and also, taking aviation into another perspectives.



i also koped some of the newsletters and bulletins. they're all so pretty and there's one section abt ADs.
and while doing Airlaw,  its always a mindset that such notices are always black and white, boring and straight. but what ec has done is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.. its all in colour, with explainations and stuff. needless to say, printed on high quality paper, probably a 0.9gm gloss kind.



lunch at T2 today. saw a few friends.
ate my nostalgic plate of hokkien mee.


and then back at office.
had to carrry out some tests and experiments.
and then later on, realized that the company was all uptight coz of the half yearly meeting with the super duper ultimate big boss of our parent company.
was quite weird for that split moment coz it felt that everyone, my immediate boss, my big boss and i were all on the same level.... (i dun mean like ground level/level 2 kind of level la. in terms of like hierarchal) coz we're all prim and proper together. but of course we're not la. but it was nice coz i think it's a way to say that 'adversity tightens bonds together'. true that.



so that was that.
trng today.
muddy.



heavy rain in the day today.
so trng was cool though the end-trng fitness left my lungs exploding. hahas. it was to an extend that one of my teammate's sb's straps snapp can. #intense #rugby. hahas




some graphics off tumblr....

i guess i'm still managing with the adjustments.

its not just about the work part coz everything should be fine for now... but generally with 'whatever life throws at u'....

i dun really know how to put it, but i guess our mind's glial cells that supports the neurons are just having a ball of a time mixing everything up and create paths that dun necessary exist.

idk if it's part of the growing up menu, but it seems that we tend to over analyze things and forget the basis for living. 

a concrete example would be doing the experiments over these few weeks. while doing the tests, we had failed results which leads to investigations of the root probs. and while doing so, we found out lotsa variable inconsistencies that u can't just practice fault isolation as per se. 

and hence, since u can't pin point a factor w/o segregating it from other components, it creates an area for ambiguity. and when in this zone, all sorts of permutations come out and soon u realize that u might be off the graph. 

after much discussion, still no concrete solution. but, its a fact that whatever steps we take, eventually it'll lead up to cost and monetary gains/losses. now its just a few sets. but if we multiply the errors, it becomes a stockpile of errors and transcends the cost that's originally aimed for.

but really, if we decide to take a step back and be consciously simple about it, we might, detect the cause, rather that looking at a whole lump of tests results that distorts our objective. hence i'm part of my tasks today includes drawing out a matrix, in hope to identify some pit holes. 

it's how life is isnt it.

but our matrix would probably be 10 folds bigger that no materialistic paper is able to contain all kinds of information.

ok. i'm pretty mentally tired now, but glad that all these work takes my mind off negative things.
i'll leave it as at here for now.
good night friends.

adjustments

work is starting to pile up this week. sometimes i really wish i can do more or at least verbalize more. 

anyways, its gonna be a month in work arldy and i guess me, my boss, and the HR boss has to come to an agreement about my job scope. it feels awkward coz indirectly, it relates to my career path.

quite tired of talking about it here.

but last wed, i had a 2.5 hr talk with my working partner. it was nice for him to try and understand my position. quite difficult coz i've known him for not even a month and i've gotta discuss my future with him. and the conclusion is, i'm really on my own.  all feelings, aspiration, dreams aside, i need to make a decision to fulfill the whole black and white system.

so i've decided, i'm just gonna help out in this dept for 6months to a year and see how. that's the decision that i have to give for now. i'm probably risking this coz i still very much wanna work with the operation side (not even talking about being an engineer and all) vs this whole business side. i mean its still the same, but the scope varies quite abit. and i've haven spoken to one more guy who is my dad's friend from the ops side yet.

sigh. its really troubling me.

and i'm just so tired to fight for what i want or rather, what i think i want. 

i dun want to give up my goal, but at the same time, this fight is just so.... idk how to put it, but its just throwing me off all kinds of tangent, leaving me in a very abstract state. 

and i dont like it.

anyways. last night was Monsoon Awards Night for this yr's STL season. 

the theme was Sports; held at SunRay cafe, somewhr near serangoon gardens.

this yr i got an award for the Mixed category. quite surprised.

its cliche to say that, but i really am because i'm very sure that everyone had sucha Awesome season together, so much so that everyone was able to not just enjoy themselves, but also to play at their best. so for me to get this award was really a big encouragement.

idk but this came very timely. 

and so, here's to a great season, and a great family gained.

its not the end for 2013 coz there's still some upcoming events as well as WTL.
thank u guys for the refreshing wk-ends.







k. i'm really v down now and the post so far does not justify the very happy event ytd / and the season.




met up with her ytd.
its always best to meet with her. though it was just a very short 3 hours supper meet up, its always a time where we both and just be ourselves and talk about everything, right straight to the core.
both of us i guess, have issues with guys, so much, that i just dun wanna talk anything about it here.
as much as we are denying the fears, we are accepting the indirect challenges with no concrete solutions.




BAH.




i didn't have a good trng session today.
hence i'm really in sucha unpleasant mode now that i can just breakdown.
i really wanna cry likka pathetic girl but i've ran out of the tears alrdy. no serious.
i dun see a point in anything that i do.
so UGH.
and i dun wanna talk to anyone about it coz i'm tired of trying to find reasons to support whatever actions.
as much as i love anything to do with aviation, i'm actually not looking forward to going to work tmr though i'm quite motivated to complete the tasks. doesn't tally? yea, that's how i feel right now.
nothing tallies.




sometimes i really wonder what i train so hard for what.
it feels that i'm wasting my time and effort. i'm disciplined and i give my best- so what? if i dun have my own self-confidence or belief, how do i expect my coach or teammates to have that kind of pursed faith? the kind of sacrifices, opportunity costs... all in vain. what's the point.

u know what, i really dun feel like continuing on this post now coz its of no purpose.

i'm neither encouraging / inspiring anyone here, nor allowing anyone to feel being 'emphathized with' because i myself simply dun even know what i'm typing now.

no, i'm not sleepy or anything.

just frustrated and very angsty. i can't even blame it on the monthly cycle coz it has ended, leaving me with no factual explanations that i can blame it on.

i just wanna go to sleep and forget about the world.

since its July tmr (now since after 12mdn), lets be robotic about it and clt-alt-delete everything off. the bads, the goods, the whatever.

i guess every area in my life right now is just so... screwed.

and the 1 area that i wanna start working on again is my walk with God.

w/o Him, everything is so pointless, so baseless, so directionless. 

i'm not expecting any solution or remedy or a feel-good day/moment or what, but i just wanna commit everything and anything to God's hands and let Him do His wonders. 

He's probably the only one that i can only trust with all my heart coz He never fails. 

just looking back at this picture and trying to keep me back on tangent.

ok. mental vomit out. system reboot and July shall be a good month.

before i click publish, i just wanna thank God for the clear blue skies again. We've been taking everything for granted all these time. Human is just like this, we'll NEVER appreciate anything until its gone. period.

Just abit more

It's not often that ive got heaps to say here...
typed abit..
and decided not to carry on.

People

HEY.



TODAY, i... went.. to.. the.... HANGAR!!!!!!


its not just a Hangar. but its SIA's Hangar. and lo and behold The Hangar 6. hahahs
hahas. my airport pass still not cleared yet, but i've got the official clearance.
so so exciting can.
i think i honestly almost teared when i was walking under the wings of the A380 being heavyily under maintenance with the empty cowlings and the engines everywhere.

thats when i realized, shit. this is it.




i think i was going insanely crazy, grinning from side to side. even my working partner was like "u very happy to be here?" what a question. OF COURSE.
ok, technically, no, coz i still wanna be a Line maintenance engineer at the parking bays.
but this is still it!
i really dk why i felt so overwhelmed coz its not my first time dealing with the big planes. it never gets boring huh. (pls dun tell me that its not enough a long a period of time. everyone tells me that so just let me discover it myself can. its dampening, though its not effective in so.)


ANYWAYS.
u know, in those moment, i did do a comparison with my current prospects now, and i was willing to give up, abandon and throw away all those golden God-blessed opportunites, all the contacts, all the prospects, everything.. just to do what i wanna do and be with who i wanna be.
what i'm doing now, is like having a distant relationship with a plane. always finding better ways for it, always helping it at the back, but never really getting my hands on to physically mend it. hahahs.

this is taken off google. a Boeing 747 cargo owned by SIA.

currently my office com's desktop wallpaper.

and was telling my working partner that u know what, after's today's visit, i'm just so fueled to be more pro-active and thickskin to get all kinds of unshameless help from all the EC ppl that i'm working with now. i shouldn't think too much because in life, we gain some, we lose some, and we can never satisfy everyone.
i think i'm confused.. but more into denial of what's good for me.



but this image really reminded me alot of stuff today.
most of the times, the cause for regret is just the lacking of initial passion.
ahhas. that sounded likka quote from some pro guy right. ahhas. its me. hahahhahas

but read this...
i thought of the quote "all the world's a stage, everyone are merely players".. googled it and woah-la... a classic piece from Shakespeare.

All the World's a Stage

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first, the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
Then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slippered pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything. 

William Shakespeare

hahhas. its been so long since i'm analyzed a piece from Shakespeare. used to be able to write pages and pages trying to figure this wired up thoughts. probably losing that ability now. but still able to soak it up with faint comprehension.





and all of a sudden, i dun want to grow up.
not because i'm afraid of the challenges, but i just feel like as we move up and meet with people on the more advanced stages in life, they tend to complicate life and forget the existence of a simple, true and uncomplicated life.


yes, it is understood that Man is never satisfied and wants the best for himself, and that's how we've been surviving and adapting to overcome all the odds that have crafted us into who are we today.
but sometimes, aren't we forgetting the basics of existence.


before i go on, i just want to say that i'm not targeting at anyone and this is collective.
Man as in Human in the most generic form.



is there a difference between emotions and attitudes?
i bet there are hundreds of great authors that write superb books with the ability to grasp the concepts of such intangible drive factors.
for me, i have to value 'attitudes' more than 'emotions' though its the probably the emotions that drives the attitudes. well, its also vaguely applicable vice-versa. i probably value my attitudes more than my emotions coz at least my attitudes steer me towards a better direction most of the time where my emotions can just lead to complicating and eventually creating that idea of hesitation which leads to improbable failure.
this probably sounds like the infamous mind-vs-heart problem that all teenagers and young adults face. but lets just not go into that.



again, from Google "define: ____" (hahas. Google should start paying me for all these promotion)



Attitude

Noun A settled way of thinking or feeling, typically reflected in a person's behavior. A position of the body proper to or implying an action or mental state: "the boy was standing in an attitude of despair".

vs



Emotion

Noun A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others. Any of the particular feelings that characterize such a state of mind, such as joy, anger, love, hate, horror, etc.

linguistically, since 'emotion' is an product of instinct, there has to be a stimulus somewhere right; while
'attitude' fits in the puzzle as a 'settled way of thinking'.

i really dont know.
but at this age where i'm neither damn old with heaps of experiences, or damn young to be considered as immature or native,  i do have my set of principles and values in which i think everyone has to have one of their own to own. they may be altered- negatively or positively. but if its crafted out of the positives right from the beginning, we should focus on retaining and maintaing it, disallowing anything to waver its footholds.
coz the negatives will come and hit u strong, leaving u baffled and blinded in massive confusion.
these may just dissolve ur identity, leaving u feeling all hopeless and souless, seemingly to lose that fully functionally compass that u once believed was the keystone that gives out the best permutation from ur heart and mind.



as i start to wander deeper, with each step i take, i do feel myself taking it wrongly. its not because of my own government being screwed up (maybe its is + denial), but its just the whole feeling of knowing that it is a should-not-be move, and you move.
everyone tells u ok. u feel uncomfortable. but is it ok?




thats when as a Christian, i become thankful for having God with me, with the Amour of God. (Eph 6:10-18).
The Helmet of Salvation
The Shield of Faith
The Breastplate of Righteousness
The Belt of Truth
The Sword of the Spirit
The Gospel of Peace

i dun think i wanna act holy and all here. but there's really no need to go high on search if u're able to be still and hear God's voice. being able to hear His voice and identify it gives u that affirmation that you should be standing still and firm in what u believe in; because what u believe in should ultimately be glorifying Him and that should steer u in to the best of paths.


and for all those who are non-Christians out there reading this, i know it sounds likka lot of biblical crap that u see everyday. i can't explain the peace and assurance i do get if i'm able to just listen to His Voice, but this is really how my God works and i do pray that one day, u guys will finally understand and feel what i've experienced as a Christian.

sometimes i do wish that i know less,

or rather, know less of what's unnecessary. 

maybe its all for our own good to build up defenses that eventually protects our brittle heart. 

for i was young and brave once, and now i feel likka little red riding hood, treading on the thin line of ice- never really knowing what's underneath. never really knowing if the platform's gonna be able to support the weight of that one step.

one step is all it takes to bring u plummeting down under, in to the unknown cold icy depths of the dark, unrecovered. 

hahas. and sharing with u a long-time-ago vid with a vid that my friend just shared with me.








true that.
hence, better to not get in to, so u can't even get out of.
not a complete sentence structure, that's how life is.
never complete.

my business opportunity

i think we're all going to die.

haze
dengue
H6N1
.
.
.
hahas. no la.
but i guess the haze alone was powerful enough to simulate an island-wide fogging which has proved to be effective. hahahhas.
no la. jokes.
i guess its coz ppl tend to get more aware of their surroundings.. so the prevent of mosquitoes would naturally follow and stuff like that.


the haze alone has forced so many activities to be cancelled.
ppl can't do sports out door. indoor courts are fully booked. needless  to say, gyms are over crowding.
trng was cancelled last night. tmr's Touch tournament has been postponed. the Shell event cancelled. church outreach event also got postponed.


today for a moment in the office, it did felt likka scene towards doomsday.
haze creeped into the office, possibly through the aircond vents and it was actually obvious that the office was hazy. and outside the office, its an all time high of 400 PSI. and 400 is just an avg no over 3hrs. rumours said that it actually peaked at 462 and possibly higher...
some of the line maintenance guys had to stop work to go and see the doc.

when news got round that the PSI reached 400, ppl were actually scrambling alittle. for that moment, it did felt like Discovery Channel's Doomsday preppers. ahhhahhas

the HR ppl trying to order N95 masks but to no avail and possibly avaliable only by tue/wed. so the office hijacked the normal facemasks that's actually from the Heavy Maintenance side. hahahas.




ok. from a Marketing point of view, this is indeed a short term high profit business opportunity.
if only i were able to predict the siutation more accurately, i could have been a few thousand dollars richer over these few days. $moneymindedshit. hahahs
well, i could pre-order N95 masks and sell that now.
or, just get a few aunties who can sew stuff to help me sew some pretty face mask. put in like cool designs and stuff. hahas. i honestly think that all these will soon to emerge in Bugis street or some sort.
i could have few over to Laos/ Cambodia where such masks for motorcyclists are plenty. got pattern pattern all somemore. 1 pc usually cost about $2. if i do purchase in bulk.. + shipment all (actually can just lugg them back to sg on my own), i think i'm capable of bring the cost price to $1 per piece. and looking at the situation now, $10 sounds likka reasonable price since its a high-in-demand-low-in-supply case.... that's like an instant 900% profit. shit. hahhaas.
so if i were to buy a 200 pieces (200 x 10 - 200 x 1), i would have earned $1800.
just buy selling little pieces of cloth.



(i forsee a looongggg backandforthandbackandforth post brewing here.)




anyways.
speaking of which.
everday i work, i am confused.
its not about the tasks, but about my career path.
i think i seriously need some career advice.
actually not really. i just need to find a good day when i'm super neutral and start to draw out on paper, the pros and cons of my career route.


right now, its been too great. great as in good.
there's really lotsa opportunities to grow and i myself can't believe it. i secretly wish that my more capable marketing poly mates are in this company right now coz i do believe that it's gg to be an exciting journey with tons of learning experience since there's really so much concrete outlets for u to throw in what's been studied in theory.


i'm working closely together with this big boss, and he's really one guy that i respect alot.
really glad that i'm under him. he's all about making the both of us learn and grow and learn and grow.
he brought me to the airline house today and he personally introduced me to some influential ppl from our parent company which is also my dream company. and they're all v nice ppl.. nice as in.. i can't judge a person fully, but within just that few minutes, u can tell that these people do their stuff well, with clear objectives and with such experience, tt they are able to take everything into their stride w/o looking down on people. hahas. yea. not the perfect sentence structure for describing such amazing people, but that's just the gyst of it.


also went for my first meeting with the client. was at BAC, where practical sessions during my time at ATTC were held before the building was made. quite funny that the guy recognized me. and they have a very cool office too. the meeting room was made from the sidewall panels of an aircraft. from one look, my boss told me that its a side wall panel of a 757.
after the meeting, the group went to scc to chill out. talked about so much random stuff, some aviation, some haze, also mostly about bike stuff and more... superr funny.

got to know my boss abit more. and though he's really upz in the age category, he's really an active person. at that age, he actually does day trip and back on his roadie to desaru. and when he was younger.. the rides motorcross, and do all those thing that u'd never ever thought that sucha big shot would do. he also knows my dad. same company and with tons of experience. from line, to heavy, to the laws, to the management and so on. i think i've heard him mentioned about his trng overseas, his a/c licensing.. so many!!! and what's more, he's freaking humble, forward looking, sharp, willing to learn and spurr other around to not only learn but perform more than what they think they can.


seriously.



and so, while moving around today, was distracted by myself. i was consistently asking myself if i'm willing to do this for another say... 10 yrs. coz honestly, there's too much growth opportunities to just ignore. its not just about the money or up the ladder, but coming from a person with low self-esteem, i think i'm capable to contribute and give my best of whatever business marketing knowledge i've got. and also, i wouldn't want to miss working with all these people around me. materialistically, with what i'm doing and the kind of exposure i'm getting now - looking at the amount and kind of ppl i'm meeting with from the industry... its really a wasted opportunity if i do decide to step out of this and pursue my dream as a line maintenance engineer. coz right now, with what i'm doing/ who i'm working with, i guess i'm subconsciously building up my contacts and relations in this industry too.

hahas. and perhaps, getting in to my SIA trainee lae prog wouldn't be a problem. HAHHAS.

and the ironic and wierd thing for me is that with what i'm also doing now, whatever decisions that's being made... it indirectly affects the technicians and even engineers. its wierd because its just so far apart and how/who/what the decisions can affect. idk how to explain this, but for me, it gives me that bit of uncomfortable imrealllysoincapable feeling.


the big block of road block for me now is just my stubborness in still wanting to be a line maintenance engineer, at least for 10 yrs? and in 10 yrs, if i do decide to carry on with what i'm doing own, i'm sooo gg to be up there in the corporate ladder. not saying that because i think i'm damn capable or what, but looking at how the industry grows, opportunities and red ocean markets, reallly.
again, i just wish that some of my marketing friends would me here with me to look at this and be part of this growth.
but then again, in 10 yrs time, i'm sure to say that i'll be regretting not being an engineer at least for once in my life. its not just about fulfilling that selfish goal of mine, but with my kind of jobscope, having frontline experince would make a big difference and even bigger impact on the positive outcomes.



hahas. and another big problem now that i face is my closet.
as i realize that i'm starting to meet more upzthere people, i'm starting to feel ashamed of my polo tee and jeans though i'm given the green light. my boss understands and really dun mind... but i'm starting to mind on my own now.
sometimes i do wish that i'm naturally abit more girly to be more creative with more lady-ish fashion sense.
if i do finally decide with courage to make it a norm to wear formal everyday to work, it'll just be that 2 office black pants all the way, with the same 2 shirts. 1 is an uncomfortable girl-cutting office shirt, the other one is a slightly oversized guy office shirt.
i do try and take note of what some of the ladies in the office are wearing, but i really can't see myself in those. coz if i'm not comfortable, i am gg to be distracted and i can't be at my best.
i mean, if i'mma tomboy with an excellent fashion sense, no problem. now its like i'm neither here nor there and for the past decade of my life, besides wearing uniforms, i've been wearing just t-shirts and cargo pants or shorts. on a training day, it would be so much more easier coz it would be training shirt the whole day (if its socially acceptable in wherever i am).

for  what was once a joking thing that i'm a tomboyish kinda person is now a serious enough problem to solve. and now, i'm feeling the repercussions of it. its no longer about i-dun-want-to-do-it, but i-have-to-do-something-about-it.
its not something that its easy for me to change overnight / come up with an excellent solution. i also dun have the finical power to experiment of get seek out sources. ahhas. speaking of which, i do think i'm quite a resourceful person... and i'm actuallly surprised that i'm stuck now.
ugh. i just wished that i'm born a boy. life would be so much simpler.




anyways.
sigh. how now.
back at it....
i do want to continue to work with my boss, expand my contacts, gain management experiences, contribute as starters for the processes within the airport operations.
at the same time, i do want to be an engineer especially while i'm still physically strong and gain all those technical knowledge and experiences.
if only i can do half half.
or like have 48hrs in a day.
or like i'm born with a special power that i dun need sleep / aka. vampire.
or start to abandon my engineering dream.
or chuck all the opportunities to one side like that. #likeican.



also looking back at my classmates in attc, i must thank them somehow.
not being sarcastic or what, but its also because of them that i wanted to so work hard in sch. and as i do so, not only i'm learning more while making full use of my time in sch, my passion for aircrafts has increased exponentially over that one year.
looking back at how much i slogged my life out for an MCQ exam (with hints), it makes me feel stupid and redundant BUT the knowledge / passion gained overwrites anything negative out of that. ahhas. especially that 1 wk super heavy airlaw module. never forget how painful it is to study... but out of all the modules that i've cover this is the module that's actually very application to everywhere u go in the industry especially with what i'm doing now.




hahas. and in some moments of the day, purely with a business/aviation mindset, i do wish that u're here with me to work together and set in implementations together. i guess with our respective 'expertise', we would be awesome working partners.
but anyohhow... i can finally say that i'm at a fork the road now. i'm taking in advices and i'm thankful for understanding busy ppl who actually bother about my career life to help me pave a way out.





all in all, really to God be the glory.
things dun just happen. they happen for a reason and its always according to His plan.
that day when i went to the fair at ITE, i wasn't supposed to go and also had other plans. but because of the big rain, i decided to just go 'for fun' which now turns out to be that big stepping stone towards my career path. i rmbr clearly on that day, i was v reluctant to even visit the booth because i didn't want to be tied to any company yet because i was (and still) waiting for ec's call. and as my friends were busy filing up the forms, had a chat with some of the HR/ and my current working partner... which eventually leaving me to hastily fill up the application form just in case if they are looking for a part-time worker. ahhahahhahas.
even after the 1st interview on a tuesday when i stubbornly declined the good offer for as a tech and go posted to something lower (which i didnt' mind)...things changed when my resume coincidentally landed in the right hands of that big boss whom bother to even look at it. apparently, the other big boss who was supposed to look through the resumes was on leave or some sort, so my current boss briefly look through the pile and decides to understand me through my resume.

and on thurs, i was called for a 2nd interview on a friday, on a day when i'm supposed to be out of the country for Church Camp/ Asian Club Championship; which both didn't happen because i was rejected by the camp commandment and my club couldn't send in mixed team respectively.
and also because with one of the head was gg on a 2 wk vacation, i was asked to start work on the following monday to sort of help carry out his task.

and because the whole chain of events, i'm doing what i am now.
not totally detesting it. not totally loving it. but just enjoying it for now.




yea part time worker vs what i'm doing now.
really. it all couldn't happen if its not for God working. i'm not just saying all these because i love Him or what. i mean i do, but my God is great and His unconditional love that leads to how He cares for us never fails to amaze me each time.







ok really, u dont have to read alllll of that.
i'm at a point where this is the best place of solace.
not the most trusted place since anyone and use this to turn it against me.
but its probably how i function all these yrs. and


randomly reading some of my post back in 2004 when i was about 15 yrs old. hahas.
some random posts here and here.
thats y sometimes though i dun feel like blogging, i still want to blogg to just keep track. and now after 10 over yrs of blogging, u can really see how i change i my thought processess. hahahs.





tired and i'm gg zzz now.





lastly, fear not.
the dark days are soon to be over and u shall be free.

hazey dazy

hilo! and so, because of work, i've got less time for my exciting life which has implicated this space with the deficit of exciting posts.

ok. life now, is probably all about the haze. hahas. lets go into that later. its just too overrated for now.
(literally, with PSI currently at 250, which is becoming a norm.)
and u know what, i.am.still.sick. wts.
its been probably 8-9 days alrdy. i dont rmbr being sick for this long. i guess its coz i'm stubborn - didn't see the doc, didnt get the much required anti-biotics, but just being over self-confident with my own immune system. i mean i'm getting better day by day, but this is seriously too long!
maybe its also coz of the haze... and i've not ran in 11 days. omg.
all those weeks of fitness/speed trng gone to waste in 2 wks just like that.



it just feels that u've lost something that u've worked so hard for.




anyways.
as u know, last Sunday was Father's Day. didn't realized that until Sunday itself.
and so, on instagram, posted this up in memory of the biggest man of my life.

Happy Fathers Day to my most fav guy on the planet! 

Though u may not literally be on earth right now, being able to meet with ur old friends makes me experience the footprints u’ve left behind in the Aviation Industry. Im so glad to be proud of it now and in the attempt to carry on the Poon legacy. Hahas 

Imagine that we’re working in e same company now. It’ll be weird coz if I do make it as an engineer, I’m gonna be able to legally boss u around. :p but yea… sad to have lost an immediate walking-engineering-dictionary. We’re all doing good now. Hope u’ve having fun up there.

✈ 

i really miss him.
its not just about his love that i miss, but his no-link jokes, his big black dirty hands, his Hugo-Boss-before-work smell and his after-work--decomposing-hydraulic-oil-sweat smell, the knocking and banging sounds he make (coz it would mean new toys/furniture just for me), and really, just his company to make this family complete. i can't seem to get out of those living norms, for me that is.


to be honest, after he left, no doubt that we're all managing well after so many years. however, there's always this lingering void that in whatever ways u try to do it, u cant seem to successfully eradicate that empty space. this household was alway cheery with this laughter, really a perfect complete family of 4.
dinner out was always likka perfect 4 in a table. now its just the 2 of us, or occassionally with the sister. Always an empty seat.

it's really never and can't be complete.


now that i'm getting older, my sis has married out of the house, it leaves just a me and my growing older mother poon. thankfully, shes's still full of energy to an extent where sometimes i really think she's physically stronger than me....still. but yea, with age, it comes with all the physically aches.
bah.



ytd.. mother poon wanted to buy some N95 masks for me.
but not surprisingly, everywhr ran out of it. so she got home trying to digg some out for me and found theses!

well... these are my dad's and he probably koped it from SIA for the family during the SARS period which was just a few months before he passed on. hahas. they can't be used anymore though coz the metal piece rusted and the inner mask is covered with rust dust.
but i just find it funny how my dad is still able to protect this family though he's not physically around anymore.




sucha nostalgic night today.




coz today, i took a no pay leave. wait. its not because of the haze. not so impractical.
i've got a shoot for a client for the morngs from wed - sat. took on this job prior to joining the company. so i applied half day no pay leave (except for today that i took a full day off.. because i had to go for medical check up to satisfy my company's job application procedure)
honestly, its quite a big client, so just these 4  1/2days of work, i'm getting equivalent monetary returns as to what i'm getting a month for the current job that i'm in.


Shell's is my client's client. hahas.

quite a big event...

on wed, it was the first day of the event and there were supposed to be at least about 10 GOHs that i've gotta cover for the media / PR agencies affiliated to it. was actually quite apprehensive for it coz its been long since i've shot big shots. and what's more, this time, i've covering sucha large scale event on my own. so with my anxiety, i borrowed gab's camera as a 2nd camera - just in case my old 30d fails and that i dont have to change lens so often.  and wah, he's so nice as to lend me his Mark II. feels so good coz its full frame and all. with the 16-35mm on it, it was extraordinary. yea. another aim to work harder. hahahahs.

anyways, the event was cancelled, but the company continue to do a dry run in which i still covered it for the day.but since the haze is at its hazardous level, today and tmr and probably even on sat's schedule  are cancelled.

from a marketing point's of view, its damn sad coz an event like this to create publicity and all has gone to waste. all the planning, the hardwork, the manpower, the resources, and especially the money all gone down the drain man.  really sigh. yea, and it even came out in the news that the event was cancelled. 

and from the looks of it, i guess i'll be heading back to office tmr.
but yea, it was indeed a good break and rest for me. even had time to enjoy lunch at home with mother poon today. vietnamese spring rolls. always wanted to do it on my own.
esp with my favs: tung hoon, prawn, hotdog, corn, carrot, veg, and mother poon's whipped up thai sauce.

see so nice right! i make one lehhh. #skilled #ikr #youdontsay
hahas. and so, if all else fails, i've still got another alternative future route. whahhahaas.

medical checkup.

i grew 1cm!!!!!!!!!!! Huat ah.

and my bp is so low that the doctor kept retaking it with disbelief. Ahhas. "83/47... hmm. I guess i'll just have to accept that" bauahahahs. But yea. Im always with low bp. Last time wanted to be cool and donate blood... everything clear until the last moment when they took my bp, they had to reject me.

and so.
The Haze.
with an all time psi record of 371.

this morng, after gg down to ecp to meet up with the client, i went back home to put back the stuff, then went out again to do my medical checkup.
was using my Laos-bought-checkered-face-mask, that when the client saw me, he immediately went to his van and gave me his N95 mask. :D yea, reallly THANK GOD for that.

coz even while trying to protect myself from the haze especially while riding, i felt that my eyes were getting watery and those eeky stuff in my nose keeps on building up. applying what i learn in Bio class in sec 4, i rmbr these substance is caused by irritatnts stimulating the cillas of the walls of the respiratory track, so mucus-producing glands get activated. hence, the over-production is a problem. and with my previous stubborn virus/ bacteria and now + haze, i'm really feeling it in my system.

so with the N95, life got better. hahahs
further more, its not available anywhere in the market. haahhas. and on fb, some even suggest an emergent of the black market for these masks. WAHHAHS.

but yea, the social media stream has been quite entertaining.
comparing PSI with PSLE scores, stock market exchange values, bowling high scores and so on. all full of shit, but making this uncomfortable period of time more bearable.


as i was free (oh such a rare moment in my life that i had to cherish it), i was watching Channel News Asia. frequent updates about the haze situations. and i realized how this whole haze thing leads to other bigger issues like bilateral relationships between countries, especially amongst those within the ASEAN  treaty if u may call it.

and i guess as how many are uphappy with the government and all, they are trying their best to protect the country and at the same time, figure out ways to salvage a mother-nature situation those its mainly caused by the actions of human.

i was actually quite surprised at one of the minister's comment that was headlines of a news article.. it says "Stop-work order may be issued if haze worsens" when the psi read at 321 at that point of time. hahas. i mean like, u mean its not bad enough?

but yea, then i thought through again, having such an order would mean an implication of the country's financial growth. hahas. and i guess coz its also during the school holiday, there's no need to issue such an order because as working adults, we all should have that right mind to protect ourselves right.
and so, it was last night that the haze escalated from 190 - 290. that would mean a sleepless night for many of the country's leaders, having to spend their nights a conference room in their full working attire and all. so i guess as singaporeans, we should be thankful for having a government that cares?


but if i'm the govt, i would find ways to produce the N95 masks and have like the community centres to distribute it to those who bothers to seek out for one right. that's primary... as compared to trying to find out who caused the fires/ and how to put it out and so on. i mean these are the root-causes of the problem, but it would be better to protect out people with more practical means right?
ok, i'm not the govt, so of course, its easier for me to say all these. ahhhas.

and also, this is not the first time such thing is occuring leh. its a yearly thing and how/what that country does to its plantation is predictable. its nots something out of the blue. i mean u can attribute it to the wind-conditions / weather and whatever nots that impacts the haze situation in our country right. but i think its always good to have a contingency plan ahead, especially when such situations are predictable.


and u know they always say that in life, people are generally never prepared until the problem occurs. why wait for it to happen? prevention is better than cure right. u can talk about the resources and all, but we're dealing with health issues here that no money can buy.


i'm not angsty now la. just see that there are soooo many loopholes that can be filled up with constructive criticisms, and that if singaporeans can be abit more pro-active and action-taking to help each other out rather than just complaining. this includes me coz really, there's nothing much i can do but to tell the world to keep hydrating with good and clean water into ur bodily system.

hahas. and yes, i have to express my angstyness to the country that says that we (singapore) are acting "like a child" over the haze.
of course we are. afterall, we are still a growing country.
but look who created the problem. we're not exactly pin-pointing or blaming anyone as a general population.
look, our representative leaders has kindly raised out our helpful hand and dilligently focusing on solutions to solve ur problems at the expense our resources for our own self-protecting (and more useful for ourselves) means. so i think, comments like such are reallllly unnecessary. its ur negative repercussions that we've got to deal with. #noremorse #itwasntme yea. move on.
and i'm also secretly proud of how our govt responded to such comments. focused. dilligent. efficient.
just get on with solving the damn prob and not create unnecessary tension.


situations like these and really make relationships go either ways... they either tighten the bonds, ur just create more political tensions.
i truly believe that with the amount of tolerance and perseverance we have as a country after coming thus far, we're capable on surviving on our own, just basing on the leadership and how the country works. but tooo bad... were just a small red dot on the map and we do need those external resources.




ANWAYs. had a company bbq just amongst the Airport Ops dept ytd.
was abit awkward for me coz i didn't know everyone. basically, its likka social thing for the office side and airport side ppl to get together.. so i saw some of the techs from the airport.
but yea. it was after all, a wed with a following official workday the next day.






anways. kinda time to sleep now.
gd nite.
and may the haze fly away.
or SEND THE RAIN. amen.

vids and me and ATTC

hahas. sad to say, in both vids i'm wearing the same shirt though its a different day altogether.

different production. 

one is by one of the FD students, and the other is the official corporate video. i think i'm capable of saying...... wiser things, but since i have to be corporately correct and generic, this is what u get. ahhahahs. but nonetheless, it does not deviate from the truth.

not posting up here for publicity, but just for keepsake.