housewife

hahas.


oh boy.



i am slightly ashamed to say that in my 23 yrs of life, today is the first time i did bulk laundry right from the start and till the drying part.

to be exact, just. hahahhahas.
usually, i just dump my clothes in the washing machine, knowing which clothes to NOT throw in with lifelong instructions from motherpoon. i.e, clothes that come out colour, needs special instructions and stuff. after freakingish muddy trngs, i would do part 1, which is to scrub and soak the mud off and mother poon will finish off part 2, which is the normal (but i consider it as the pro housewife stuff) till the end of the production line - into my cupboard.
very pampered. yes. hahas.

omg. spent like 1 hr hanging up 1 wk of trng gears and clothes. its quite tiring (i mean coz i hit the gym today and did my shoulders k. hahas. excuses), and it kinda give me that realization, as always, that mother poon is so much physically stronger than i can fathom. idk how she hung up the huge, heavy and wet bedsheets up to dry and stuff and what more - bring it out of the windows without tipping over. CHOY.
tonight, i didn't bring it out, and neither can/should i do so tmr morng coz u can never have an accurate prediction of the weather. dont bother placing full confidence in the weather forecast though.
but yea. i fumbled with the gala poles that i'm actually worried that i might have disturbed the neighbours downstairs. hey. i'm quite pro alrdy. just that there's this pole thats damn long and it got stucked in between 2 spare standing poles. while trying to get it over and out, almost toppled everything in the way. that includes the mirror, phone, washing basin toiletries, all the clips and bottles of soap.  HEING never ah. if not i sure super sian.

anyway. glad that everythings up now.
i think i might have added too much Softlen and not enough soap powder.
and there's actually still some mud stains on one of my rugby shorts. cannot be bothered alrdy. ahhas.
hope that the kitchen wont have that soggy damp smell now that the clothe's all up in stale (sounds too gross) not moving air. #itsmybest.
ya, and i'm amazed by the amt of SBs that i wear vs normal ones. ahhas. the ratio is probably like 9:1
HAHAHS. TMI ya.




and so, its day 10th of mother poon absence and i do have that calling to start being more responsible to at least maintain the house in a living condition, or rather, to a standard that will not give mother poon reasons to start her long stories. hahas.
didn't have time to sweep the floor. but since i'm out of the house 80% of the time and the windows are closed 90% of the time, i think its fine la. (mother poon would definitely NOT agree with me. her bar is like.. if can, must sweep everyday. at most, 2 days mop once. i'm talk about the whole house.)
but i mopped the floor! ahhas. not every tile of it though. lets just take it as selective mopping.


EH.
hahas. i feel likka spoilt brat now.
but seriously, for the whole wk, the only time that i can find to do all these chores is really just on a wednesday. everyday, i'm out of the house by 830am and back by about 1030pm. today's gym day, so i'm home at 8pm. wanted to go for a run, but oh well, i got to do the housework right. HAHHAS. (actually no, i'm just lazy and gg to successfully postpone sucha run. ahhas. excuses.)




totally.



it got me thinking- as a lady though.
if i should be holding a job thats 9-5pm and still actively playing all my sports, how do i ever have the time to do the housework or at least settle some daily responsibilities?! how to really find time to embark on a route of starting a family proper. as in like, time for boyfriend... till the time you get married and eventually having to take care of a growing child. toughlife. and i would think a grandmother is very much necessary. hahas. just saying.
anyway, that would really mean to give up my job and ensure that my husband's having a stable job right. sucha singapore norm. and so,
if i do successfully make it as an engineer having shift working hours, that would mean having to skip trngs (with no choice) but have extra time in return to do all these stuff right.


i should start talking to working parents. especially those who's totally on their own with no support from their immediate families. possible?
i wouldn't want to resort to hiring a maid or like put my child in daycare. where's the love man. and i still believe that if we want to take up such responsibilities, we should, take up these responsibilities and not pay someone else to clear ur shit.

ya, we have the wkends.

as Christians, how!

ahhas. so much for keeping the sabbath holy eh.

best solution from a growing teenager young adult now: stay free. till u've got a better solution /  reason to sacrifice stuff for family building. hahas.




and so.
been getting the groceries, settling my own lunch and dinner and all, and now with all the laundry, mopping.... hahahs, i think i needa start appreciating mother poon more for being there to reduce my load literally.

oh yes. and there's a lizard at my bedside.

with no mother poon to the rescue, 40% chance that i'd be sleeping in the living room tonight.

ok. and thought for the night: what if something's so special to you, is not so special to you anymore?
and its not because of anyone else, but social norms?
does is matter?

my human factor.

feels weird to have nothing much to study for.
brought my laptop to sch to finish up some compilation of airlaw qns for those taking the caas paper in the future. but i guess i slept 50% of the time i had in sch since there wasn't any lesson proper today.
practical was all done by 1130am.

woke up early to experiment on a good breakfast.
i used to be a kind of person to maximize my sleep.. i.e if sch in clementi starts at 830am, i'd wake up at 8am, have everything goodtogo the night before, leave the house by 815am and be in sch by 825am.
now that i have to prepare my own lunch, i'm starting to get used to the waking-up-earlier-to-do -stuff.

anyways, tried to make some cannelloni pasta. 8 rolls.
4 was good. but failed the other 4 coz they split while i tried to stuff stuff in.
so it turned out to be lasagna.
spinach, portebello mushrooms. corn. living the life.
abit too much carbs for the day, but i guess trng has run them off.



the stairways of my sch.

there's more junk everywhere. cigarette buds, cups, biscuits, cans of drinks.
i dun get it how people and just be so irresponsible. then when the ants come, they complain.
seriously.
i probably shouldn't bother right. but it just erks me that ppl can be so darn inconsiderate. and when others are like that to them, the complain, make a big fuss out of everything.
they dont get it.




hahas.
looks like i'm back blogging daily about my life eh.
not so exciting as we grow older.
more thoughts perhaps.
probably just a good documentation of how one's mind changes over the years.






yea. and i injured my index finger, again.
typing w/o my left index finger gg to be my norm man.


-







moods.
defn: a temporary state of mind or feeling.




since its not the genuine 'us' that's exemplifying what we truly stand for, how does one succumb to the actions taken so easily, being drastic or not.
why is it that moods cannot be controlled / contained/ suppressed.
does it give us some form of comfort or even some sense of victory when we involuntarily adhere to satisfying its needs?
what is a mood actually.
i dont mean to sound philosophical and all. but often a times, we act upon what we feel is best at that point of time. i'm not discriminating or condemning it. perhaps its a form of our defensive mechanism in place towards who we want to be outwardly? honestly, i dont have a solid answer because the bottom line is that everyone is wired differently.


personally, i guess moods are the primary reasons for the up and downs. the good and bads. or rather, these are just near extreme responses to how we want to feel towards different situations or time of the day. though i might not want to approve of how i feel towards some issues at times, allowing myself to fall into that somewhat desired state probably provides that form of blanket/ shelter that we need to segregate oursevles from things that might prove to harm us eventually. not just about the negatives, but in reference to the positive as well.
(hahas. if u speed read this paragraph, u'll find urself in some confused whirlpool train of words.)



i mean biologically, ladies have that logical (doesn't mean valid) excuse to push the blame to those hormones when its the special time of the month. personally, i never like to give in to those kind of biologically excreted cells, but often or not, i find myself loosing that battle to keep my focus on what's really inside- the heart and discipline of how i want to present myself to those around. ok, maybe 'present' is not really the word i'm looking for, but lets just take it as it is.


we need to practice self-control.
for what?
hahas. good question.
its really a idk-answer or for themanyreasons.


so what really dictates us?
what makes.
the simple question of the heart vs the mind.




then it brings us to a qns..
what constitutes a mood?
is it coz of the expectation we have for the things we think that should happen?
why do we have expectation? a goal?
why do we even care?




omg. this is sucha endless vicious cycle and i'm just going to leave it hanging as it is coz i dun think i've got that ability nor the sound mind to grasp intangible concepts to lay it them all out at this time.

double pass!

(:


took the $80 CAAS airlaw paper today.
and... i passed!!
after  receiving the notification email, i received a msg from my classmate that i passed the school one also! (:


yays!!



i heard that only 7 passed in the whole class.
but today's paper a tough one i must say. qns like "what does Part 1 of the SAR-145 refer to", "which part of Airworthiness Notices you find the procedues". i was like.. what?! but other than that, glad all the past qns did help. time given was 40mins. was done in 15mins. checked once and didn't want to stay. realized that the more i ponder abt the answers, chances of me changing a right one to a wrong one is very high. just like how during my attc mcq exams.




first instincts are always the best most appropriate.




i dun think i'm born very intelligent or like have that skill to study smart; i.e u learn alot with a little amt of time. but i thank God that i value the perseverance to be hardworking, after all i've been through.
but i guess i needa learn how to speed up at times. not to just speed up as per se, to optimize my time is the word.
and so. MUST get my license in 5 yrs!!!!! dun wanna take the paper again! (the paper's likka license kinda thing that expires in 5yrs)




anyways. was homed at like 4pm. felt so good to be home at a time like that.
bought mac&cheese a new tank and new food coz they're getting bigger.  (:
they're really my best friends and family now.




trng was on.
was quite dreaded. coz it was all the way at dover.
i went.
the first half felt really... negative for me. i took the fitness part as negative reinforcements.
quite negative la.
but halfway through, i just made that decision to make the best out of it.
ok.
instead of trying to feel good/fit or focus on working hard, think about what i can do to improve technically and make my 40km ride to and fro more worth it.


surprisingly, things did work out.
felt that i did personally well during the game play w/o letting that negative side of me cloud myself.






yea. so this is my monday.
with a golden sun to start with.
feels like a very first new day for me for the yr.
the wkend's probably been too long.









4th may.
finals for club 15s.
also the day for the hk touch tournament.
sigh.
decision.
finances.
priorities.
commitment.


i hope finals gets postponed.
keep prayyingg.

Forgotten.

3 wks in a row in church.
sucha great streak. late by 10 mins. but i still made it.
long wkend i've had.
life's never been better actually.
so free. so easy.
my phone's battery life's now more managable. though still gotta scrimp every Amp of it, at least it didn't die by midday.


read. and re-read.


glad to be back.
and the time taken has probably shocked me.
either it totally shredded all the soul that's left of me. or i simply fck carecant be bothered anymore.
perhaps i'm just getting so used to bouncing up from setbacks like such.
nonetheless. its all good now.
other better things need my attention now.
and i should be focused and keeping my eyes set on things that matter after all.
(:




thought that mother poon's gonna back at least today. but no.
spent quite an amt of $ for this wk's grocery/snacks.
all settled and ready for the wk.
January's going to be gone too soon;
and along with everything in it. (:




thank God.




hahas. dont u just love my song bank on shuffle mode.
every line of this song.
i'm shifting the weight of the responsibility all to the songwriter now. hahas. *thumbs up*



Forgotten - Avril Lavigne

I'm giving up on everything
Because you messed me up
Don't know how much you screwed it up
You never listened that's just too bad

Because I'm moving on, I won't forget
You were the one that was wrong
I know I need to step up and be strong
Don't patronize me, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted?
Do you forget it now? You never got it
Do you get it now?

Gotta get away
There's no point in thinking about yesterday
It's too late now, it won't ever be the same
We're so different now

Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted?
Do you forget it now? You never got it
Do you get it now?

I know I wanna run away, I know I wanna run away
Run away
If only I could run away, if only I could run away
Run away

I told you what I wanted, I told you what I wanted
What I wanted
But I was forgotten, I won't be forgotten
Never again

Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted?
Do you forget it now? You never got it
Do you get it now? Do you get it now?

Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted?
Do you forget it now? You never got it
Do you get it now?

Have you forgotten
Do you get it now?
Forgotten, yeah, yeah, yeah
Forgotten, yeah, yeah, yeah
Forgotten, yeah, yeah, yeah
Forgotten, yeah, yeah, yeah

its all about the rain really.

it rained since 1am last night.

even till morng and on.

and trng was on.

and it was through the jammed traffic. 

can't use the field. so we ran around dempsey. quite nice actually. 

soaking up at rain.
looking at beautiful houses. 

trng ended

didn't bring enough change of clothes.



sportspoon 0 - 1 weather

a nice warm bowl of fish soup noodles and hot milo over some good company made it more bearable.
almost had that good ol' warm bowl of adam road chengteng after having one mouthful from my friend's bowl; the one where they added ginger. though i hate ginger on its own, it brings out flavours, and especially on a winter day like this, it warms the soul, right down through the esophagus.
but i couldn't down anymore.


plans to go study at serene centre before the game at turf city got killed by the cold.
soaked right through. too cold to function.
and so, bedok to dempsey and back to bedok and then off to turf city eventually.
i seldom make such inconvenient planning. but the cold was really... #lastwarning.



went home.
though all the bathing was done,
i had to allow the wastage of hot water run through my whole being to reach my soul.
used the hairdryer to dry everything else that needed to be used again for the part 2 of the day.
studied abit of airlaw before crashing to the ground, while darkness caved in.
and i was cold again. 
even when all the windows and doors were shut, fan switched off.

time to leave the house.
though excited for the game, i was very very reluctant to abandon my shelter to face the elements, the cold, the wet, the traffic. that same stretch. yet again.
but sometimes, we just need to do the things we gotta do right.
to take that first step out.
and i saw a phrase on one of the guy's shirt today "an experience begins with a step"
true that.



sportspoon 1 - 1 weather



safely got through traffic with literally 3 layers of clothing + 1 damp sb. hahas
game on.
only got subbed in for the last few mins of the game. well, i should be glad that i got fielded on today.
but anyway, it was a 41-7 victory to us.
watching the small droplets against the floodlights of the field was quite therapeutic, just like snow or light transparent confetti to celebrate our effort and victory.
dinner.
and then, homed again.


turf city. no bathing facilities. and so, we're all cold and drenched.
otw home, the light drizzle became a downpour as i was halfway through.
and the jam came in, as if on allocated cue.




still feeling that bit of emptiness,
allowing all round me to be my background music,
i found my eyes all teary. but i just couldn't fall into that state. i pulled myself back.
i mean i had to - safety reasons. it was alrdy barely visible with the merciless rain water crashing onto my visor, reflecting all kinds of red/orange lights off the cars and street lights.
i couldn't allow my last line of defense get clouded. 



sportspoon 2 - 1 weather



made it home.
switched off my engine, and heaved a huge sigh to conclude the day's journey.
as the door of the lift opened, there was this pause as i looked at the metal silver gate of my home before stepping out. with the door almost closing in on me, i fumbled with my keys and i was back in my humble home again.
though i needed shelter, it wasn't the kind of shelter that i needed at that point.
the boy's dad out of the country and so, he stole mother poon away from me again. even for the wkend this time. lonely with the rain still falling in the background and the fan on speed 1 for some ventilation, everything was serene once again.
i mean, i could do with 17 days in the villages of thailand w/o any form of communication with mother poon, but these 7 days probably seemed longer since now she's so near yet so far. i dont exactly miss her coz its not part of the family tradition to be so expressively loving. but w/o her, it just adds on another level of emptiness.




finally figured out starhub's cable network system thing,
hence, able to exercise this outlet tonight.
i wont go into blogging about you or rather things i wanted to say to u tonight.
for i have given up indeed.
the rain cleared the skies.
cleared, emptier, refreshed.
we all just need some time for the sun to dry up the residue of the downpour.
things will be the same again eventually, but not quite.
i'm not hoping.
i'm not praying.
not about the strength, but i'm just too tired to carry on anything to do with dealing with people as per se. everythings so drained. too drained to a point that nothing really affects me anymore. not even the first boy who had a successful attempt to murder my heart coming 7 yrs ago.



for the cold has probably numb me right through.
and at what best of times. (:
of course had the nice things to say to you but i guess u dont deserve them after all.
i'm not bitter. i just want to play safe.
in this kind of weather, at this night, we have all fallen preys. we know it. but i'm not gg to succumb to it because i know at the end of the day, there's really no point; even if its was for myself or for you, its not going to matter anymore since i've decided to eradicated u out of my life until my heart decides when it's able to taken on another beating eventually.




if only we all and just use our sports brown tape to mend our heart and keep on playing.
just like how a it can even support a torn mcl/acl and allow one to battle it out on the field again.




nonetheless,
thank God for today though.
thank God for the rain though.
thank God for the awakening though.




and yes.


thank God for music.
thank God for the life of Steve Jobs.
thank God for shuffle mode.



kept hitting the rwd button for these 2 songs when they're up into my ears as i fought through the traffic in the constantly pouring rain.
amen.



Worn - Tenth Avenue North


I'm tired 
I'm worn 
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need 
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn 
Yeah I'm worn

Tomorow - Avril Lavigne

And I wanna believe you
When you tell me that it'll be okay
Yeah, I try to believe you
But I don't

When you say that it's gonna be
It always turns out to be a different way
I try to believe you
Not today, today, today, today, today

I don't know how I'll feel
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I don't know what to say
Tomorrow, tomorrow is a different day
(Tomorrow)

It's always been up to you
It's turnin' around, it's up to me
I'm gonna do what I have to do
Just don't

Give me a little time
Leave me alone a little while
And maybe it's not too late
Not today, today, today, today, today

I don't know how I'll feel
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I don't know what to say
Tomorrow, tomorrow is a different day

Hey ya, eh ya, hey ya, eh ya
And I know I'm not ready
Hey ya, eh ya, hey ya, eh ya
Maybe tomorrow

Hey ya, eh ya, hey ya, eh ya
I'm not ready
Hey ya, eh ya, hey ya, eh ya
Maybe tomorrow

And I wanna believe you
When you tell me that it'll be okay
Yeah, I try to believe you
Not today, today, today, today, today

Tomorrow it may change
Tomorrow it may change
Tomorrow it may change
Tomorrow it may change





plus one more song that was just being played...
soundtrack for The Hunger Games.
appropriate song for the 'credits' part to this post.



Iridescent - Linkin Park

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now
You were there and possibly alone

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go.

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace,
Falling into empty space
No one there to catch you in their arms

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go

Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go

s cars

Scars will scars.
Just like how boys will be boys.


I didn't want to lose you like that. Neither did I want to get misunderstood and be judged like that. Initially I felt that I just needed to clarify everything out here, do some justifications and some form of redemption with regards to the turn that this whole thing is taking towards. But since its just going to be in the wrong direction as u would pave it to be, I don't see any point. Neither do I want to abuse this space and write as if u're not reading this coz I know you are.


broken yes. mended no.
You, or rather, I, have proved that i can't love or be loved in a special way by anything or anyone for I do have so much to hang on to. I really didn't expect such a dagger coming towards me adding on to the wounds. Surprised. Disappointed. Or rather, I'm not going to recognize where this is going to.


As much as I don't want to, I have to give up.
Though nothing concrete pertaining to this status has been established, it just feels like a break up with this somewhat flagrant episode


I'm going to remember this. I'm going to forgive; but not forget. And if ur intention is to probably throw me back into the well to face my fears and acknowledge my darkness so that I can accept some form of light, my apologies, it's not gg to the way that its intended to. Or, if all that's really just you in the making, I don't think I can or want to accept this with my hands being tied back. I'm not going to try and be sincerely apologetic about it, but I'm just going to say sorry for having a part to play in happily building up castles on quicksand.
maybe u've got u're expectations u expect me to take comfort in the way u try and neutralize them by saying that u dont have.



torn yet again.
A whole new realization that I can no longer trust anyone, especially, boys.
No more effort, time, energy shall I consider in giving up to anyone. No one deserves my heart like that or rather, I'm not letting anyone in anymore.
haven't i learnt?!
so i was right from the start.
do not fall so deep into a point where the road up is just long and against the pull of gravity.
i'm going back to the start
from where i left off with





and the night so cold, tonight; having the rain to blanket all of its warmth from the sun.
i do want to sit there all day and cry like a girl losing her favorite doll. but for what. since i've still got that ability, in which u've time and time again betrayed it, to pull back those precious tears, i'm keeping them till one fine day where my brim is reached. vomit. reboot. restart.






bah.
hope to get out of this one real fast and soon.
didn't expect to find myself being dropped to this level down. the half mended and then broken heart is now so crushed, smashed and rolled over by those big yellow/orange roller trucks that rolls the roads.
gonna be more cautious now.
going to trust in the Lord now. and if anyone should use God's name in vain put my faith down, i just pray that He'll just pull me through all this. no one, not even i, said that life or this walk with God is going to be easy, but i can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. thats for sure.




focus now.
all these are of no importance.
they can wait or be eradicated with no form of sympathy.
again, remember this day marian.
let this be a reminder.
never trust. never hang. never hold.











and how ironically, today since all morning, this song is constantly playing in my head.
totally contradicts.






I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz


When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end,
You're still my friend at least we didn't tend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I'm still looking up

I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, he knows
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up...

look how they shine for you

made a few good better tackles tonight.






the closer i get, the further i become.

why is it so difficult?

behind all that

what an intense minigrid we had today.

today's trng was all about contact work.

that's really my weakest area.

just can't seem to get it right; low and hard.

almost had a dead leg with someone else' knee jabbing into my right thigh, and now its knotted. had one hard fall back. hit my head so hard on the ground that i had that imagery that my brain matter got squashed to to the front side of my cranium . it was ok.

but a good wake up call.

.

.

.

to life.

idk but really. who are we when no one's looking?

that's one of the notion for once of the discussion back in those TeensTime session back in church.

what defines us?

what's this strength all about?

is it the ability to sail through in the midst of a storm and cry aloud when u're all alone?

or issit just about silently taking in all the hits in the midst of the storm and not shedding a tear even till ur eyes shut down for the day?

are we able to define our defense mechanism?

or infront of its defense mechanism, there is yet another defense system infront preventing any form of identification or recognition. and it goes round and round, that u the false fallacies which eventually becomes the modified truth.

i find myself struggling to cope with the expectations or rather, the definitions i subconsciously set for myself. u know, i always believe that everything's in relation. 

10 is bigger there is a 9. 10 is also smaller, because there is an 11.

so since we've set those classic goals for ourselves, what's the composition for our respective counter mark? 

how do we look ahead?

how can we confidently stand up to make comparisons that were never meant for us to be kept there.

bah.

who are we really behind that mask?

or is that mask being infused with our skin. skin deep.

good night world. 

i'm taking you on again tmr.

flood

and the waves come crashing in.

you just cant evade sadness so simply like a 2v1 situation.

life's like an economy.

the rich gets richer. 

the poor gets poor.

one of the questions i read today was "what have we sacrificed for our faith?"

idk really.

or rather, i dont wanna know.

and its been long since i've written a poem. 

#oskool.

but works everytime.

-

Up in the Sea

we set up our own rusted chains

inevitably tormenting our crusted brains

nothing else's really in motion

then we throw those keys back in the ocean

swimming, treading round in circles

having our ankles shackled with buckles

trying to find what's all that sinking's worth

though we pretty much know it well once since birth

and up and down those crashing waves

catching grasps of air with just no saves

and down came the rain with those gusty winds

how i wonder where's my brim.

we build our walls to tear it down

and no, its those daily frowns

ok maybe all these years i have my fears

to what then may i give all my ears

stumbled once and stumbling twice

seriously, do i even have that much of rice

giving up and gaining some

arent that all just ways to numb

sinking deeper in do i find myself

only to realize that its all in stealth

giving up i float to an iceberg

the solid form of being deceivingly superb

to single-handedly bring that Titanic down

oh u can't just underestimate its power of its silent sound

all cold

all mould

all clay

come what may

idk if i'm fearing all that is to come

seriously how would i know if i'm not done

ok, blame it on my bestfriend called 'period'

although it's innocently not yet here with its cert

then again i can't say that i'm all confused

coz i really duno whats the rating of this fuse

perhaps we all lack that electritcity

to really find out the crux of its eccentricity

uncanny how ppl can recognize all that's on tumblr

seemingly to be able to address everything that's unsure

all those mindless, senseless words and reblogs

temporarily re-fueling up those voids in thoughts

and after all that i've rambled on this blog

i just wanna lay them all at His feet.

in faith and trust i commit everything unto God, 

and i'll be sure to be having a good night's sleep.

-

le sigh.

the start

up and down KL in one day.
7am-2am.
800km
our 1st game for the season

35-17 to us.
and it was a good game played (:
they were much quicker and aggressive at the ruck, but i guess our backline kept the flow going so sweetly. and of course, great job to the forwards for putting their bodies on the line literally; going through whatever happens at the scrum/ruck. hahas.

its a good start for Blacks.
may we start with a high note, and end with a higher note.


and for me personally, i hope to be giving my best in trng for God, for the club, and for myself.
glad that the knee's holding up good now.
no more regrets.
no more what ifs.
no more looking back.


we'll get this.

i am a student.

wah. these intense 5 days of Airlaw with a tinge of a love-hate solitary feeling having to spend 80% of my awake hours with that stack of notes to be absorbed in 5 days has left my body with a lacking of a proper soul.

camped at my fav mac hotspots.

even skipped 2 trngs just to study man!!! (haven't skipped a trng for something i can control for a very very long time)

and home has reached a stage where it can live up to the cliche of an 'empty shell' since mother poon is  with the boy over at sembawang for the whole wk leaving the whole house to me and my transparent dad. really miss the both of them.

(out of the 3 topics for today's essay and ETOPS came out. (: )

and so, been in a routine that i train/in some physical activity 6 times a week. having that 3 days break did throw my body of out the routine abit. felt it when i was late for trng today (coz my powernap at home became an evening sleep); couldn't get into the mode; to be focused and to make right decisions. 

studying.

honestly, i think i do treasure the time studying.

whenever i want to give up of really feel that there's no point and on the verge to just giving up taking it not so seriously, i often recall the time when i was working.

this is also happens especially when i'm super free in class and everyone else is just playing. 

i mean like being safely sheltered in a building and all u need to do is just to study, what more can i ask for in life?

yea. those days.

especially during those days when i was working under Nera as a field technician... (those people who go around to replace/update the credit card swipe machines.) though i secretly enjoy my job coz i felt so pro with all the technical gadgets and also coz i really did know all the secret codes and passwords by heart, it was tiring k! lugging at least about 12 sets of those terminals with their heavy adaptors island-wide (may be) under the hot sun or heavy downpour, and trying to find remote shops which i never did think existed was not an easy task even for someone who's been training in rugby. 

(should have taken more photos then! ahash)

facing unreasonable customers. being an innocent middle man for ur company and the banks and the business dealers. getting wrongly accused, misunderstood and scolded for carrying out ur tasks diligently. and it was quite a job i should say. coz we're dealing with the transactions of lots of money, involving several banks, account numbers all in one machine. so no matter how tired i may get, i have to ensure that i'm still able to also deal with the 390840293842 numbers one at a time. hahas. i'm not exaggerating about the numbers k! for example, the MID (a sort of identification for the bank account)  may be like 10000006438837942. and it usually has a string 6-7 zeros if i rmbr correctly. ya. and sometimes the difference between the identification of 2 machines (they call it terminals) can be of just 1 digit (in fact, most of the time), and so, a simple mistake of a wrong installation is damn jialat.

it did happen to a collegue before. the terminals were installed wrongly; they got swopped by accident. 1 shop was like a restaurant and the other was like some small shop. so for example, today i go and eat in that atas restaurant and pay like lots of money, the money doesn't go to the restaurant but to the other shop that has no customers. and usually, they will only find out either 2 wks laters or at the end of the month or whenever the boss go and find out. i mean, the money can be recovered and stuff. but to do that, its like trying to get out of a minefield with barbwires.  congested. complicated. tangled. and one wrong move...... u dont wanna think about it man. well, that's not my job scope anyway. ahahahs.. all i needed to do then was just install correctly. and ensure that everything tallies. i mean there are systems in place la. but its still never easy when u're dealing with numbers, money, security, elements of mother nature and sulky faces of unreasonable customers altogether.

it was pure sheer tests of patience. 

frontline job daily battles.

that was when i made a realization that the true meaning of those phrases that working adults tell all u studying teenagers to "treasure ur schooling days. school was the best time of ur life. study hard!" 

indeed.

ya. and in another job. there was this time i was office bounded (considerably quite not office-bound since i was doubling up as a delivery guy) in a proper business office setting.

8.30-5. unreasonable customers demands mixed with redundant office politics and destructive hierarchies.

so unbearable that i dont event wanna talk much about it.

yea. and ironically, it's considered as an international happy toy company. (but, its with all my fav toys leh! - gaining product knowledge involved having to play with the toys urself. hahas.)

so yes, i go to work, hating the job, but loving the happy toys that will never fail me.

ok and so.

the bottom line is, study hard. 

as a student, all u need to do is just study hard. its not that difficult u know.

time management is of course, the shit and way to go. 

now that i'm back in school, w/o having to really worry so much about the world coz my main responsibility is just about me and my results, i do want to make the best out of it.

some of my classmates can be a bitch at times, but i dont think i can really get mad at them or get super annoyed. irritating, yes. but its not as harmful at the end of the day.

and so, while i was battling the laws of aviation over the wkend, 

some of the unis when up to hk for some wkend rugby 7s at King's Park.

so many memories there. 

there, i had my first rugby tour with Blacks against the hks, in the mad cold weather.

went up another 2 more times for asian club touch champs with Monsoon.

(: 

good to see them having a time of their lives. 

such memories will go a long way.

yep.

and u're there in hk now.

gd to know that u're happy.

sometimes i really dont want to be a girl.

its true when they say 'girls dont mean what they say'.

sometimes it really not because they're lying through their teeth or trying to go around ways for their secret selfish benefits, but sometimes they do not know what they really want actually.

in its absence, u pine for it.

in its presence, u repel it.

then it repeats.

then if u start ur practical analytical string of reasoning and self-actualizing, in search of some sensible answers, u're just gg to end up in circles again.

everything becomes a vicious cycle, in a vicious cyle; venn diagrams over venn diagrams.

so the solution? dont even put urself in that position for such occurrence.

pull back before anything.
just its like just disarming the safety slide. not safe. but not needed.

everything in relation la.

one can only be small in the big.

see the light in darkness.

feel the warmth in its coldness. 

its the valuation of things that makes everything different. 

the differences that throws out its similarities. 

i dont mean to be all philosophical here and all, but that's life isn't it.

though we do not want to make certain comparisons, when presented to it, a sound evaluation would involve some form of comparison or reference as per se.

de-rail those train of thoughts.
re-route them under ETOPs (some aviation lingo here)

re-channel it.


solved.

hide me now, under Your wings.

the secondary lessons

hahas. today, I MADE IT TO CHURCH.


hahas. #achievementunlock.
u see, it was one of my new yr's resolution to physically be down in church for a start right. and it wasn't easy. i mean its Sunday! and from mon-sat, i've gotta be at the respective places at 9am or 10am. and to give up my one and only day to wake up w/o an alarm clock to going down to church is really no simple feat ok.
but i did it. hahahhas. i mean, i've got tons to study and a heavy paper on thurs right. but nonetheless, i did it!


coldplay's The Scientist
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
i'm going back to the start



indeed.
i always secretly sing this to myself for some form of comfort through music.
and it does help ok. coz i know like the other half of the world knows and is singing this songs.





ok. i didn't expect anything.
i didn't wish for anything.
not anything spiritual.
its not that i cant be bothered... but sometimes, u just feel so unworthy. okok. yaya, God loves all His children, come just as you are as He loves u and all the stuff. but after leaving church for so long (i'm talking in years), and suddenly running back to Him (just because of some bad stuff that make u see the good light) makes u feel very subtly ashamed. why the oxymoron of 'very subtly' is coz i know i shouldn' be feeling this way because i shouldnt treat see take God's love this way right.
hahas. so much explanation to redeem myself.


and yes of course, He hasn't left me. worship was great. and i felt it. but i was holding back. not that i want to, but i think i cant let myself just fall in and soak up His goodness, yet.
ahahahahas. and and. for the record, 1st sunday of the year, today's sermon about the Parable of the Talents.
neeeeddd anot. ahhas



AHHAHAS.
though i've been away, my name on the roster for guitaring is not off. out of the maybe, 10 times i'm rostered, i'm only able to make it down like 3 or 4 times. none of which is coz i'm lazy or what, but i guess i've prioritize my rugby activities over my service. yup, so in a way, i'm not using my 'talent' right. and the Parable of the Talent speaks about how God multiplies our talent if we use them and how He can also take them away if we dont. its not a threat from Him la; and i dont think i wanna try comprehend how deep God's love for us coz its immeasurable.


yep and so, since i've not been offering my service as per se, injuring my left fingers, one after another leaves me with some means of reflections ya. i mean, how can i ignore His messages to me right. hahas. first it was my index finger, then my pinky. probably torn a few ligaments. now dun have the strength to press on a chord, let alone a barre chord or smth. i can't even fully straighten or bend it all the way la. can't even do some good recordings during the hols! ):
ok, it can be just coincidence or something, but lets just throw in the cliche phrase that everything happens for a reason, no one is here by chance.





and so, after that, studied abit at PP mac. been so long since i've been there! its my 2nd/3rd hiding cave for studying. and after the renovation, its soo nice and cosy! watching my ex-collegues working and gaining the wkend $$ which i'm trying to read airlaw is really likka inner war man.



the eye that's going to be red. hopefully morphing into cyclops. (photo taken 2wks back though)
#unglam. but i deserve it. hahas

then was trng at the gross-insect-filled farrer park.
felt like we're trng in the microwave, with grey clouds in which the sun could still shine through so mercilessly though it was nearing the time; when the sun was supposed to be setting.  past rain left the damp mud thick, sticky and just a thriving ground for bacteria. had a run against the boys as well. all that summing up to a resistance trng in secret. everyone was just soaked and gross. ugh.


then a good recovery dinner with mother poon and the sis at parkway.
quite a filled Sunday.
(:





onto rugby,
the first game for season is going to be this sat! so fast!!
against the msians, and so, we're heading up to KL.
though i've been trng, theres still so many areas that needs more brushing up. my tackling, my kicking and catching. ugh. hate to feel this way. well, i should see it as a positive drive to push on harder. but sometimes, dont u feel that no matter how hard u've tried, if u just dont have that physical talent for it, is is really justifiable by working so hard?

we should all work hard towards a goal and not an expectation.

(k. secretly feeling smart with that quote. hahahahhaas.)

and because i've been trng Contact work for so long w/o playing much touch, going back into touch trng all of a sudden (since our pre-season trng has just started), i see a difference in my playing style.
touch and contact, though seemingly similiar are very different technically.
because of the difference in physical involvement, the running lines, timing, judgement becomes all v different.
my defense reaction for touch has been altered. was telling one of my team mate that i felt very grounded, not as agile and fast as i used to be. like couldn't push off like that. maybe its also coz i've been gymming for the season. she told me that i seemed to be too ready-for-contact in a fast game of touch. so in a way, i guess i'm literally more grounded on my feet, rather than bounding off the balls of my feet. ):




yup, i feel distracted at times.
but i think i must learn to be more versatile.
stop complaining, whining and focus on what i need to do, rather than getting too overwhelmed in trying  to fix what i can't do. it should all just come right.

that's what life lesssons' all about right.
we learn it through the experiences. i.e u can't just learn it off google or some self-help books.
and the best part is, we really need to go through some sort of problem-solving phase to full understand the process of it. verbal or visual cues isn't going to be of any useful help.



maybe thats y children learn grow up so fast.
maybe its not just about how Mother nature works or how scientist try to use DNA to justify everything. but maybe as children, we've simply got more heart. nothing more. we dont let the world take us on. we take on the world. we're fearless. we dont think. we just do.
and when we receive the negative feedback, be it directly or indirectly, it alters our future prospective responses. and thats probably a defining moment there.






what makes.

everybody wants to turn back the time. to re-make decision.
just because the outcome's been revealed to us, we then know what's the right decision; or rather, what's right for us right.
that's too late. and that's not going to happen.




k. i'm tired and i'm starting to go round in circles.
from all that reading of AirLaw.
grrrrr. their phrasing... omg i tell you. to make it full-proof and eradicate all possible loop holes for argument, it leaves poor students like us reading in circles, and eventually loosing the point.
its like saying 'i have cravings' to 'in light that meals have been consumed physically, made consumption by the intake of edible substance to meet physical bodily functions, hunger pangs cannot be fully be satisfied unless if the following, are rendered acceptable and complied with; provided that they are made readily avaliable: [inserts list of cravings in numbering form]'
and they like to do the "unless if not pertaining to" kindna of phrasing. negative negative becomes postive. then u negative it again. then u loose the whole point again. tmd. mindfck literally. UGH. though i've taken Singapore Law as an elective module back in poly, this is a whole new level of beating round the, chunk of words.

oh. this reminds me. u know MojoJojo from the Powerpuff Girls? YA.
(i just have to throw in some quotes from him online to prove it)


"That's all just well enough, because in reality there is only room enough in this world for one Mojo Jojo. One shall be the number of Mojo Jojos in the world, and the number of Mojo Jojos in the world shall be one. Two Mojo Jojos is too many, and three is right out. So the only Mojo Jojo there is room for in the world shall be me. " 


" In the grading system, I would have assigned you all with an "F," which, if I had control of the grading system, I would make the lowest grade a "Z" since that is the final letter in the alphabet, which starts with "A" and ends with "Z."



AHHAHAHS. 
merry go round the mulberry bush.








once again, thank u all for reading. hahahas.
just received an sudden random encouragement about this blog. thank u all. really. i appreciate u guys for appreciating me and in a way, u may not know it, but it pulls me back to remind myself of y in the first place i'm blogging.
and omg. just realized that its going to be 10 yrs of blogging. hahahas. thank you blogger.com for this.
and thank u all for reading. some how, i feel you guys. hahas. ok. i dun think its a creepy/overselfconfident/denial thing but, lets just say i've got a sensitive soul.

day one of the working day

hahas. it totally felt like the collated residual monday blues bursting to just wreck the mid-wk wed.

in the morng otw to sch, it doesn't usually jam.
but 2 areas jam!


and what a way to start school.

air law.

one whole stack ot it.
its so massive for a 1 wk module, so everyone who had instagram instagrammed it. hahahs. my news feed was a string of this stack of notes in different persepective ahhahas.
the tchr's so dry (can't blame him coz its the subject) and he doesnt answer ur questions. not that he dont, but he doesn't get to the point.
for the last cohort, 2 out of the whole examination hall passed. and for the re-test after that, only 1 passed. for the foundation deg students who's taking the same paper as us, 3/4 the class failed. and also, probably only like 5% more passed the re-test.
#challengeaccepted.




and the classmates.
i mean what can i say right.
some just wanna stir shit and create trouble. then when kenna scolded, complain.
really no shame. i mean they mean no harm. but still. i'm not asking u all to grow up coz i havent, but maybe appreciate the meaning of respect abit.


anyways!



it was gym after tt. hahas. quite cool. 4 of us classmates gymming together.
then it rained.
i mean, raaaaiiiinnnneeeeddddddddd.
it rained sooooo hard when i've still got about 10mins more to get to ntuc to get my lunch supplies.
it was flooded on the road. otw, i went over this puddle pool of water. i didn't know that i was sooooo deep that when i went over it, the action-reaction of the massive amount of water almost threw sparky and i off balance. so freaky can! it shook my whole bike and i literally had to use so much force to keep my handle bars aligned.
its probably the heaviest and hardest rain i've ever rode in. i wanted to give up, but there wasn't any spot to do so since i was reaching the estate.
almost reaching, but the rain was determined.
reaching the traffic light, the merciless rain made my heart quiver like mad. lighting strikes illuminated the frightful horror movie around. i felt that sparky was gg to die on me (though i know it wont)... and i mean, what is visibility man. the last heaviest rain i rode in was probably 2 yrs back when i was still p-plate. visibility then was just 1 car length. but today, i was struggling so hard to get the view of... anything through my water-washed visor. it was literally like trying to ride through someone who's constantly pouring buckets of water over u. yea. so visibility cannot be measured by car lengths, but probably just the ability to get through my visor. not to mention the slight prickypainy rain droplets on my skin since i was wearing shorts.
ya. that was dangerous and i felt tt i was indirectly committing suicide. kept praying for peace. and my ipod (snugly hidden under my shirt) was still playing chillax acoustic songs. so everything was made bearable.




finally got my groceries.
rain stopped almost immediately.





and yes, what a cold night.
and a blackout around my estate.
and everywhere's covered with rainwater.
the boy needs mother poon and so she has gone over to his place the other side of this island till this wkend. she probably (secretly) needs him more than he does. hahas.
so, its home alone all the way for this wk. but its good. finally get some time to myself, and can study at home! hopefully i do though. HAHHAS. just pray that no cockroaches will be flying around.
and my room's not packed yet!!!!!! ughhhh. and in this nua weather, how to get things done!!!





today also marks The Day One for many.
especially those going to school for the first time.
pre-school, kindergarden, primary 1, sec 1....
those epic moments.
the friends u make, the people you meet, the paths cross, all adding up to a layout of for the Potter's hand, moulding out traits, strengths, weaknesses and eventually personalities.






Time to start saving up for the yr!
Everyone's on a holiday man. 70% of my newsfeed on Instagram are like from overseas la! And I should start being disciplined about saving up for s3 or the new s4 that's coming up! I dun think its impulse or materialistic buying, but I think with anything that's bb, u can gain knowledge faster and save more money with a better plan. I think the amt of money that I'm paying for the plan is totally not justifiable.







Bah! 1st world probs where sometimes, I really believe that all I need is just my family, a farm/plantation and my guitar with God.






yep. so, cheers to the 1st wk of the year!
keep it up if u've survived day 2, but of a proper day 1.

day one

watched Wreck It with some of the church ppl and then a very shortlivedfastgame japdinnerandshopping with eve and ulrica. (:


that was my day 1.


the movie was good actually.
it addressed simple life issues which we often uncessarily complicate them ourselves.






lastly, just to share an album with a good ol' friend of mine with u guys.

http://daniellim.bandcamp.com/

the songs really speak to me and has helped me in times of need. do hear his songs! support his music! just for about $11 (or more if you wish!) you can get his album. its really a great way to start ur year with such music in ur ipod otw to work/school. (:
thank you always for ur songs. 

and i wanna wish everyone Merry Chrismas and a Happy New 2013.

hello 2013

and, ta-dah, another year has passed.
though it's a longg year, in a nutshell, it's always fast.



this year, i would label it as a transition year for me.
early in the year, i was sitting in the office of MOE. and with nothing to do, i was searching. i mean, i had to search. i needed to find my life. ok. not so much as 'life' per se, but i needed to start seriously thinking about my future. ok. its not that i havent already been from the start, but i needed to really identify what it means to be sustainable both financially as well as keeping my flame of passion going. well, no one is really sure of the future or can confirm anything right. what we can do is to really pick one good long term goal and then set some small stepping goals towards it right; just like how we used to play join-the-dots when we're kids. without the numbering, its tougher to find a route. with the numbering, when well-versed, we do it fast and soon, we're able to get the picture.

and so, Marketing. Aviation.

yep. (: just like my mr. poon. and for some reason, i think mother poon is secretly more proud that i'm all dirty and boyish dealing with airplanes rather being in nicely ironed office wear and be an OL, more directly dealing with money and people. i guess i'm also happier this way.




(ok, i can't really rmbr everything that happened. not even those significant events coz the physical temperature is really just too cold and i'm having the cramps. :/ hello new yr indeed. hahas  i'm just gonna flip through my FB photo albums abit)





OH YES. CISCO. avso (aviation security officer. haas)
how can i ever forget that episode in my life. ahahas.
the hhmd and wtmd. beep beep beepppppp. ahahas.
it was a random part-time job. chose it because i wanted to get to know more about Changi airport operations as well as probably discover some opportunities along the way.
trng at the old Police Academy was probably the closest i can ever get to my part-dream of joining a uniform-ish job. and so, i did made some good friends along the way, and opportunities came by since people were kinda taken aback when they found out i had a degree in my bag.
and through the job, i was able to contribute to changi's level of security abit, not just the execution part, but in terms of planning. coz i got quite frustrated with the system that i went up to see the head of duno what. quite big shot, but he was a very efficient and effective guy that came from the police side. and yes, changes were implemented. though i wasn't really done yet, i had to stop this journey due to the conflicting airport pass for my OJT with Shaeco.
yep, for me, it was always about making changes. improvements.
short-lived. but good.




ok.
didn't do much epic adventure trips this yr.
but i did went overseas quite a few times. the most memorable one was probably the 7 days i spent in bangkok with the girls. it was a plannedverylongago trip. always didn't have the cash for it until i worked at MOE. 7 days of fun and not to care about anything in the world. and i really enjoyed the meals there ttm.
the half planned 3-4 weeks Nepal trip (supposedly in sept) wasn't successful. well, coz i started school and also, i didn't have enough finance to go through it. but thank God we didnt. coz there was an epic fatal avalanche incident during that time... some more it was around the place we wanted to explore.
and so, in light to quench the thirst of the adventurous spirit, i single-handedly planned a very random wk-end trip to ipoh to do some caving and rafting with the help of trusty dickson to carry out some stuff. 12 friends from my random friend groups. sch.church.photogs.biking. hahahs. (: was good and very glad that they're good friends now. it was also to celebrate the sept birthdays since dinners were too mainstream. hahahhahas.






and yes, my horrible MCL injury that totally threw me out of my tangent.
though i went up HK with the team, i could only attempt to be an excellent team manager. had to miss Asian Club champs as well as the Club Rugby 7s. BUT, i had a good window of break. though i didn't play, at the sidelines, i did learn quite abit. hopefully a more visionary playey now! hahas.
was forced to quit ballet.
and so, for the recital this yr, i only did one Tap item. but looking forward to go back this yr!
this whole episode did taught me deep stuff. like how to be patient and to really draw out positive learning points from every single thing even when it seems all bleak and useless.
the road of recovery was long, and my physio was nice. he helped me alot and also made me a more discipline-with-injury sportsperson.





and so, sch started in June, and it was just Aviation all the way.



as the boy is now 3 yrs old and more aware of communicable interactions with people, going home to his crazy smiles and laughs is just so rewarding. but just last friday, it was his last day here before he goes home and prepares for pre-school and back to living with his parents, after 3 yrs; since the time he was born. ): definitely going to miss this secretly charismatic boy.






yep. and so that was it.
throw in some mac delivery and yes, a new Popeye rider and some minor bike accidents along the way, that's my 2012. neither bad or good. but needed.

well, this yr,

my ability to let you go was probably at its peak, which i think, is at its plateau phase now. its a good thing.  probably everything wasn't about you any more. but through you, u've taught me to let go. i dont think i've given up. and i hope i dont make any drastic decisions for the worse. hahas.

but,




i







was









far














from  God.
): probably the most distant ever. i've probably lost sight on Him. ):

towards the end of the yr, i felt myself loosing sight of what's right/wrong, good/bad. i dont think i'm talking about the clear distinction about the extremes. but i felt myself settling for what's grey, balancing on a tight line. my principles were tested. my beliefs were sabotaged. everything seem to be cluttered and very raw. ok, not exactly the word i have in mind, but i felt tt i needed to start all over again. 

i needed to let God by my steering wheel again. wanting letting Him to be the captain of my life again wasn't easy, and still isn't is, but i think its not that far away since God hasn't left me and He wont unless i choose to shut Him out. 

its not just like a 'bad month of the year', but it probably felt like the worst of my life.

it felt that i had to throw myself down a few more levels and soak up all that's being drained out; and its not really a path that i had to take. but though bitter, in it, i do see the light. 

my friend's take on 'the light at the end of the tunnel'-.... instead of the freedom and salvation we all deemed that it is, from afar, how sure are we that it's not an oncoming train? u sure?

the world is indeed very real.

more often than not, when we're safely in our comfort zone, guarded by how much we trust the distance we have from the dangers and pitfalls, we dont believe the potency of how the world can test us against our faith because of such positive comfort. and because we're in such comfort zones, we have that it-wont-happen-to-me mentality. however, somewhere in the book of John 10, it says "the devil only comes to steal, kill and destroy..." and talks about God being the good shepherd and we being His lost sheep. its such a sunday school kind of story that we often overlook the weight, the depth, and the importance what the Bible says to us. then, we can only seek some form of appreciation when we're in the desperate need for it. humans. haha. ungrateful shit. 忘恩负义.

never learn.

and so, looking ahead into the new year, of course,

#1, i want to be close to God again. start serving again.

2. graduate as a top student and fail no modules!

3. i hope to get into SIAEC bye bye fireman.

4. idk how, but i hope mother poon wont feel lonely and i still want to make time for my trngs.

5. be a stronger and more valuable rugby and touch player.

6. get back into Ballet. find time for lyrical Jazz (hahas, time does not permit it for now)

7. do prioritize some times out for friends.

8. make more recordings! and i want to have a more pleasant recording voice.

thats all i can think of for now.

2013

the new year.

i do love such imaginary breakages that gives us some sort of drive to make positive changes.

make God take lead.

and not let myself be that barrier for a better self again. 

(: