2023, it is what it is

 as expected, 2023 was it is what it is. 

we broke up on 1 jan 2023, so technically, i started 2023 on a clean slate again. i knew 2023 wasn't gonna be an easy road, hence i was really psychologically prepped up for it. looking back, i think i did well. in the deepest, darkest moments, there were times i still wondered why was the stuggle so hard, but i always knew i'd get out of it. is that a dangerous thought? at least it momentarily protected me.

ok so just to get some goals in review, i did not get my class 2 bike; but, I WENT TO YOSEMITE. i think that was the highlight of the year. it was really a good trip. you went. i'm not sure if it would be better/worse, with or without u, but i did enjoy ur presence though it was painful to me whilst nonchalant to you. nonetheless, the mountains were everything. while we're there, Death Valley was closed due to the preceeding huricane. but bc of that, we went Las Vegas. i dont think it's a place that it'll be in my usual travel itinerary, so i guess it was a good impromptu plan. 

also as planned, i did not go EBC. but i should be planning to go next year. i cant wait for this.
as for my Touch and fitness goals, i think its an all time low. i tried going back to Touch, and event went to WA State Champs in Perth. but somehow, i didnt fit in. the intensity of the game was eye opening and i think if really expanded by horizons. i played one season early in the year, but failed to play in the 2nd season due to stupid whatever reason. i really felt bitter and felt that life as usual, wasn't always fair to me, but i succumbed to the struggle and gave up entirely. hence, my fitness really sucked. i had no motivation for cardio. but coz of classpass, i've been going for yoga, barre and spin this yr. i think its bare mimimum. i haven't done any swimming or any runs. to a point, i think i am disgusted by myself. but again, i chose the easy way out. ok but i have been gymming. but not hard on myself. just enough to feel the ache the next day. But yea, fairier, fatter and with more baggages on my eye. I think i wanna change all  of that.

i didn't bring mother poon out of asia, but... i'm brining her to Beijing and Japan next yr! i hope i have enough leaves to bring to Australia or London at least. we'll talk about goals later. haha

so ok how did this yr go?

work. ok. idk how to feel. there's ppl telling me "dont bring your previous company in here". ahah. the first half of the year was struggletown. there was this colleague that have opposing value system and work ethics as me. no doubt he can work, but.. lol. idk. i think whether in work or life, integrity should overwrite all things. some more we're in aviation. that 6 months was probably the darkest in my working years. i felt that it was even darker than the moments while i was struggling with gender equality back in QAT. i'm starting to feel that the fight for the ground, for better ground policies and all is not worth it in the end. why bother fight for others when they dont even want to fight for themselves. hence, 2023 was really a year to go into retrospective thinking. 

what i really learnt was that, not everybody wants ur help. its not about appreciation or what, but some ppl are just so comfortable in habitual complaining that when there's a change for the better, it feels like its throws them off balance and it isn't right and best for them. i struggled at work coz somedays, i feel empty. some days i do compare with those grads with 3-4yrs coming in to be my managers and making decisions that could be made better. on one hand, i want to be in the ground to help the ground, but on the other, there is no autonomy to do so and i also dont wanna go into office hrs to deal with office ppl. i'm physically very comfortable at work, and feeling unsettled with being settled. 

generally its still a great company because i think the biggest boss has his heart in the right place for the workers and for aviation. but i guess coz the bonus are based off performance, u can see how some ppl get unscrupulous get to climb up the corporate ladder. there's really more gaps and cracks to focus on to make the entire airside a better, healthier working envt. and what's more, i'm currently very much deployed in master apron planning so i'm literally very very far away from airside. i mean its a good experience to learn and plan, but it doesnt align with my goals. and while i'm here, ppl are there for 'wrong' reasons. ok who am i to judge right, but i just feel so so far away from my goals. i guess its really only this year that i start to see that there's no point in trying to fight for any form of equilibrium or fairness when the world doesnt sit well with that. 

hence, 2023, other than dealing with my emotional balance, my emotional work balance wasn't in the right place. back on our r/s. there's no r/s left lol. we agreed to be friends, but u're not. there's no ounce commitment of required really, but u're just too disrespectful to me as a human. its interesting coz as with all my other exes, none of them could agree to remain as friends and most of them just want to cut off entirely. i really couldn't understand them coz i mean, if we can't be partners, at least we can be friends right. ahha. but with this one, its the opposite. we agreed to be friends, but after this one entire year of evaluation, i think its best for me that i cut you off. i dont think i'm dependant and i'm still very much my independent self, but you are way too disrespectful for ur friends and loved ones around u. i think those who are standing by u are really the ones that u should think about keeping and also start reviewing urself. perhaps mayb coz i'm hurt enough to see this, i think u're selfish. u only do things that benefit or is a learning for ur growth. mayb that's how life is supposed to for everyone right. and from this whole experience with u, i think i really should learn from you from this aspect. no, this is not being sarcastic, but this is really a wake up call and learning experience from me. 

so yea. self love right. what is it all about.
haha this year, i spent alot on myself, financially that is. well, if work life is shit, as long its paying me better, i should take this 'better' and make other aspect of my life 'better' right. i bought all the camping things i've wanted. i've gotten myself a garmin watch, first hand and not off like carousell or something. i finally see myself willing to spend on myself. haha i still buy things on sale, but coz i'm still aware that my pay is not exponentially high. i got myself a camping tent and my cook system. i haven really decided on a backpack to invest in yet, but that's not a priority. i wanna buy myself a macbook, but also not a priority.

so whats for next year?

travelling plans first, EBC. and also bring mother poon really out of asia and as mentioned, Australia or London. but i'd need to brush up my confidence in driving on public roads. i've been driving at airside, its different though. my parking still suck and i havent reallly tried parallel parking outside. i'd also wanna do some overseas round island riding trips. perhaps vietnam or taiwan. i dont think my skills are up for himalayas yet. 

work plans. i dont intend to climb up any corporate shit. idk if keeping my goals of fighting for good ground policies is going to be good for my mental health. but i think i would need to refocus abit. perhaps, just choosing my battles, thinking more for myself, and learning to articulate in a more politically correct version whilst still keeping the depths of it. i also hope that i can stop comparing my pay and myself with new hires, or ppl in positions with less experience than i am. however saying that, i dont that i can stop complaining about policies that dont work for the ground ops. but with that, i will pick my battles and see that's worth. i'd always come up with a solution when i have a complaint, but i think i would need to channel all these ideas somewhere coz those who hate me, hates me, while those who love me, really love me. i also hope to play a bigger role in airshow next year, though as of now no news yet.

oh ya, i volunteered for SAFVC. gone through all the interviews alrdy, got through everything, and done medical. probably waiting for the paper work and some more confirmation.  i hope with this, commercial and milt side can really have a better bridge towards growth and excellence in aviation. 

fitness plans. haha i really enjoy carbs and junk food. all these make me happy since my life is so unwanted at this point in time. but, i think i'll give myself till after CNY. after CNY, i would wanna eat clean for awhile. then, i am going to stick through my 10wks fitness prog. (i think this is gg to be a big promise to myself if i dont have a core objective now). ok, idk what's gg to be on for Touch. i obviously didnt make the world cup squad haha. perhaps, i can try aiming for a 6min/km pace? try to hit 3km in 20mins first. then maybe like 30mins 5km. and maybe 1hr 20mins for 10km? ahahahhahhahah. seems so far fetched now. its been years since i've done anything above 6km. but yea, i'll still be on classpass for yoga, barre and spin. i also need to start being serious in my gym sess and try to make every gym sess count. i hope to up the weights for my 1RM for the big 3. 

financial plans. i started to manage my funds again since the last 2 months. i think its a good start coz its never too late to start. i'm doing abit more investments but i really need to start strategizing esp if i dont have alot of capital to begin with. ahha and next yr, i'd be old enough to own a property. i really need to start planning towards that since this year was alrdy a good year of playing and the start of self-indulgence. i dont that i'm a the point were i'm over spending anyhow, i'm still careful, but i would need to be careful and be cautious.

emotional plans. i think i've learnt alot in retrospect this yr as explained. i think having said that, i would also need to pay attention to my principles and integrity. i think there should be no compromise on the latter, but i think i would need to learn to go easier on myself and understand that the world is never going to be fair. but having said that, i would need to know the distinction between giving up and giving in. i will also promise to put myself first and understand that its is never necessary to put someone's happiness first in order to make myself entirely happy. but also having said that, i will choose to close off my heart to anyone that comes by. i think its enough experiences for this. 2022 i said this, but i gave it an exceptional chance coz i really thought he was different and it was going to be steady for the road. but in the end, the road was only a yr's worth and he too gave up and i dont think i can ever give someone that option to give up on me again. i dont think i'm bitter, i just think no one is ever gonna be worth the time and effort. i always give too much and end up hurting myself. its best to shower myself with all the love and care when i can do that to myself too. i didn't feel very much lonely in 2023 though. its sad coz some days i can't share my happy stuff with anyone, but who cares right. hahahah only i should care and its all that matter. so i guess one of my NY resolution is to cut ties with ppl who dont matter. i always thought like its always ok to value people whose path have crossed with us coz there are soooo many ppl in the world so what are the odds right. but i think, if i can cut ties with ppl who dont matter, perhaps i can spend more time with people who matter.

I also spent alot of time with Dickson this yr..  he is the guy who has seen me grown throughout my teenage yrs till nw. We've been having hthts and one thing we've discussed is how i have evolved over the yrs. Maybe its coz of the episode i had with kh that altered my whole self. I used to be more fearless, adventurous, always living out my life and making the full use of my 24hrs being blessed with the ability to operate with optimumly 4hrs of sleep in a day. After giving my wholeself to kh during that period, i felt like i've lost myself. Idk perhaps maybe coz im in aviation that im more risk-adversed or what, but im more conservtive with my decision making and more insercure if u wanna put it. I start to fear making mistakes even b4 trying or considering. Maybe i wanna change that or rather, have a better structure for risk assessments that allows me to live out my life responsibility esp when i have loved ones still around me. I also did consider working/living abroad for many reasons. Perhaps 1, more pay and exposure. But more so for 2, an escape. But the main thing is coz mother poon is alrdy catching up with age and there is really a time limit for this. I still love my country without my emotional baggaes hahha. Yea, we'll make do with that and live well.

so 2024, i wouldnt entirely say 'come what may'. it is what it is still. but to better sum up in totality, i have to internalize that it is only i who can make myself happy. its not either about the actions i take or the mental state that i allow myself to, but i think its a summation and a balance of both without compromising on excuses or anyone, any value systems or principles. idk if i'm excited or dare be hopeful for 2024, but it really it is what it is. i'm already operating at my best as of 2023, but perhaps for next year, i will operate at a better version of myself for myself so i can love myself for who i am.

lastly, sorry God for being entirely distant. it seems that i only run to u at my peaks and troughs. i should try to quieten my heart just to listen more to ur voice and call. idk if i'm at that level to decipher what's from you and what's not, but i'm gg to learn to trust and have faith in all that is to come. thank you for always being there despite me shifting my eyes away. my heart will always be there and i'm thankful to know that it is only you whom i can trust my heart with.