recalculating...

hi.
ok so, last week exams ended. i felt that i nailed the last paper. but anything can happen right? anyway, i've been wanting to blog since the last week, but only managed to switch on the laptop to get some fyp done.


after the last paper, like almost immediately, i felt my brain so empty. like everything's out now. what's there left?
it really felt very empty.
its like the whole system just reformatted clean.
like its has been for a few months like after/before work, i'd be planning to complete this assignment, that assignment, then prep for lab test, then execute study plans and all. it was easy to push all other plans aside or rather, use 'study' as the most legit and best excuse to just do the 'right' thing.
so after exams, i starting to get abit apprehensive that my path of escapism was starting to dissipate.

so it was dinner with the studying squad. almost celebratory for the almost graduation since it was just fyp left for some of the guys and knowing that they'll clear the paper.
it's a pretty forgiving semester i must say. not only the modules are generally not as difficult, the papers were unexpectedly expected. usually the paper would catch us by surprise since tthe type of qns are new and never from past year papers.. but this year was just too kind. i really hope i can push through to get all As and i really cant wait to get my results.

so yea. dinner was at our usual keisuke hamburg, then we went for some drinks. first time we all really sat down and have a chill beer tgr just to congratulate ourselves for the long 4 yrs.

i still rmbr how what was i feeling then and what's going on in my head.
though it was reformatted and back to a clean state, the excess RAM was really still on its momentum. everything started seeping in through the cracks. small cracks, but high in velocity and pressure. just like bernoulli's principle in the venturi tube. hahas.


just exactly last semester, on my last paper, u brought me out for dinner.
what amplified that thought was that keisuke hamburg was just around the place we had our last 2 dinners. after drinks, i walked back, looked at the familiar paths and shudder.
i really missed u.
but what else can i do but to just stay away?
i wondered what u are doing now. how are u. hows ur work coming along. if u're fine and all.
surely u'd be fine w/o me as how u'd be able to excel and function in life b4 realizing my existence and since in my presence that i made no impact in ur life. hahas
i really tried not to text u, but like how it always is, the more i try not to, the stronger the resistance and the intensity of those thoughts. now that all those equations and all vommited out leaving so much space, and probably with that bit of drinks, i just texted, "how are you".
holy, after i clicked sent, i immediately regretted.

i didnt expect u to reply coz ever since u didn't want me to be part or ur life, u took hours to reply; and u replied probably out of obligation or just trying to send a message that my texts are just those whatever texts. but then, my phone vibrated and i was surprised to see ur text pop up after just a few mins.
already, it was a surprise that u texted, but ur one liner reply was enough to hit me even more coz its something i did not expect.
"i'm fine thanks for asking... i'm sure you are too aren't you"
that liner kept reciting in me over and over for the past week. i'm probably being sensitive, but y did u accentuate the fact that i'm fine, or rather, the fact that u're sure that i'm fine. what are u trying to imply? is that intentional? u really think i'm always fine w/o u? that's probably what's expected of me as my default format. again, i knew my mind was going rampage with exam momentum still on and w/o any engineering content. i had to mentally discipline myself to stop my nonsense and take it as it's just he being him. i didnt know how to reply to that and i also didnt want him to think that i'm a conversation killer, so i asked about his work. and also bc i really wanted to read his paper since it was something he's spent so much time on it and probably also coz it was something that made my existence insignificant to him after all.

it's just all so... ugghh.
i realized actually, though we had spent hours on heart to heart talks that i still value, i still didnt really know who are u / what kind of person are you. i probably think too highly of you, and think too highly of myself. u probably realized that my flaws weren't something that u could live with and so, in a nicer way, i guess i wasn't the right person for u. and to think of it, unlike k1, i really didn't know you, nor what you are looking for in a person. i rmbr we had this discussion b4, on the type of person u'd like. i probably met those 'surface level' criteria, but i guess i wasn't listening or rather/ i didnt bother reading in between the lines. i trusted raw honesty too much that i guess, i over expected, over trusted the how raw and honest i could be with anyone.

anyway. i'm glad i'm starting to get tired of all these directionless and not validating thoughts. i mean, life w/o u now has been twice the length of time that's spent getting to know each other. why do i want to keep holding on to good memories when they are in fact, platforms to false hopes. i really shouldnt allow myself to fall so deep into someone i dont really know right.


so anyway.
speaking of which, how do we really know if we really know a person?
i though i knew k1.... but look at him now. though i'm quite accurate on the type of gf u're looking for, other then deciding to get baptized in a church, how u can treat a person u're close to / u know / have known, so coldly is just out of my expectations. i mean like. whut?!!?!! like to a point.. wtf.
at work, idky but recently i've been bumping to u at work. idk  how u can really disregard my presence at a legit working environment. hey.
i'm over the point that i'm sad. its getting annoying.
u say u moved on. u got gf now and all.. but why are u still holding on to all the grudges? u are the one who didnt want to keep me in the end despite me trying to salvage whatever that's left. u are also the one who said that we could be friends, now what's all this about man? ur ego? my pride?

u know, many a times i wanted to text ur friend who betrayed or rather, boycotted the whole thing by telling u things that added fuel to fire. i regretted telling her our problems, in hope that she could help explain some things to u in which i couldnt phrase to you. its not about me not being honest to u, but its how she crafted my heart cries into hammers that crushes the bits of my heart to you. i do feel that that isn't fair to me. but what could i expect when u've known her for 10 yrs, while u only know a blinded-in-love me for only 3 years?

so anyway after exams, i also wanna bring mother poon to the bkt stall u brought me to when u brought me to jb. i tried to google, but so many bkt stalls came up and they all looked the same. i rmbred its a walking dist from KSL mall.. but there were a few around that area.
so, i had to msg u to ask. i tried to not think of anything and just text u as how i would text any other human.
"Hey! Sorry to trouble u. U have the address of the bkt u brought me to the other time? I wanna bring my mum go but idk which one. Thanks!" nothing to it. sounds ok right?
but as usual, u didnt reply. i think about half a day later, i was just getting abit frustrated... so i texted again to say...
"Its been such a long time and i just hope that u'd be able to put away all the ups and downs. I mean i no longer expect that u'd wanna treat me as a friend ever again, but i just hope u'd be able to help me out coz i really wanna bring my mother go but idk where it is! Thanks and i hope u'd understand."
now what? is it too much to ask to provide an address?
if i dont mean anything or if u say u've nothing anymore, then y dont u just reply another human who's asking a qns. if u can't give a shit, u can just reply 'idk'. at least its a reply right. damn petty. man up bro.

rn now, its like, who tf are u. how could i love someone who has no kindness like this?
tbh, to say in frustration, i'm glad that i'm not spending a lifetime with someone who has 0 kindness. do u get what i mean? who's the person that i love again?
after all these yrs, u've made ur point, i've also written to u that i've gotten ur point. after being a pest by camping outside ur house so many nights, u finally agreed to have that one last talk, and we came to an agreement though u left me to accept that i am super out of ur life, and out of ur memories.

i always try to replay those last sharp words u've said to me and also agreeing that i am a selfish person. but it always recalls back the other stuff tt u also said before.. things like "i've never loved somone like this before." gross. haha. u've really totally ruined it u know. now anyone what says that to me, is just a freakin liar. ppl say things in the moment and no one and nothing is really certain.


anyway, thanks to k1 and k2, it really made me learn something; u can never really know who a person is. they've probably successfully scarred my lovelife forever, but i thank them for reminding me to set up, or rather, reinforce my walls of defenses. i should have never really love anyone so deep coz at the end of the day, i'm just another one of their past or worse, no longer part of their memory. haha.
well, though those up and down are all now painful memories to me, at least i know that i can, and have loved a person so deeply and that's enough for me to die in peace.

i really think that it'll be a long time till i allow someone into my heart again. and sorry to those that i'm being defensive with now whenever i sense that u're caring more than how u would to a friend. i'm also learning how to not let u fall into this abyss and mine or rather, learning how not to give a shit about anything in life.i dont deserve ur time and u deserve a line drawn from my scars. ppl who have tried to understand my scars have all walked out eventually. no matter how honest, how intelligent, how persevering, in the end, its all the same.

rn, only mother poon and my sis matters to me.
its not gg to be an easy year for my sis and mother poon, but thank all you individual guys for collectively preparing me and toughening myself up for the next year. i just need to be strong for the 2 ladies and allow mother poon to realized that we're all good on our own; that she really have nothing to worry about.


i really hope that i dont have to keep coming back here and emotional vomit out about ppl i love/d.
i also realize that the less that i'm texting my daily rants, i'm also tweeting more which really helps. hahas. u know, last tues after trng, for the first time in my life, while checking my phone after a 2hr trng, i had no new whatsapp msges. not even from all those muted grp chats. ahhas i actually felt that superficial peace. though there's that tad of loneliness, but i could walk to my bike, under the moonlit night, not having to look at my phone, and enjoy the quiet and peace of the night especially at a ulu place like the fields of turf city.

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i'm not sure if i've shared this before, i ever did think of being a single mom. like these few yrs, i'm (finally) starting to think of having my own kids. all along i love kids, (thanks to ruizhi and chenxi whom grew up at my place;) but i never thought of having my own kids. hahahs. probaby its me hitting the big 3 this year, that i'm starting to have kids of my own flesh and blood.

so the... 'problem' is, to have ur own kid, u need a sperm right. hahas so actually, sperm bank is one of the options. but here comes the social problems that i'd need to overcome (ranked in order or importance):
1. mother poon being a grandmother without a son-in-law.
2. the kid would have no father
3. he/she would not be growing up an environment what the society deems as a family unit.
4. no government subsides on baby bonus / not sure if sch fees also applies coz u need both parents's name.

financially would not be a problem if i change job; and i can still go out and earn money if mother poon i still around. but those are key decision factors that i'm not sure if i can take a risk.

so just 2 days ago at work, some of us were talking about love and marriage. so someone asked me, would i marry a rich guy or a guy who loves you alot.
in the past, the answer would be so clear and obvious. obviously a guy who loves u alot right?
but now on the second thought no. i'd probably choose a rich guy. at least if my husband loses all his money, it wouldn't really affect me coz i should still be financially independent and its just another worldly material that i'm losing;i'd probably lose all the 'bonuses' in life. money can still earn back. but if my husband decides to stop loving me and walk out on me, i dont think i can emotionally and mentally exclude myself and literally be mutually exclusive again. too be a loss. too big a risk.

hence, u see so much divorce cases every day. in the past, it was almost a taboo to file for a divorce. in the past, it was all about arranged marriages. 2 strangers getting married. 2 strangers forcing themselves to learn to overcome each other's flaws and go through obstacles to stay together. even if there's no love, its about honouring the marriage, staying together for the kids. so at the end of the day, theres' really nothing much that the couple can't achieve since everything's been ironed out right from the start.
it works so much bettter rather than...out of the now conventional "marrying our of love".



so then, it brings us back to the qns, why would u want to marry someone out of love?
love is so intangible.
if you love someone so much, what's the point / the need to have a change in status. the ROM cert doesn't, and shouldn't affect the depth of love right. it's all just a societal status. so why the need to unless its for the paper work.

perhaps, if u're ok with marrying someone who doesnt love u, at least marry someone who is responsible. at least he wouldn't treat you as non-existent. even if he doesn't want to be part in ur life anymore, at least ur presence on this planet can be validated and its up to u to pick urself up from there.

so for me, this game changing year is that, i should be marrying someone for the paperwork. for the kid, for the house.
u see, for all these admin / govt paperwork, u just need a spouse name to facilitate everything especially when it comes to subsidies which would make ur life easier.
so if the guy is responsible and doesnt love me, at least he's stay for the kid and the kid can have a legit father. haha. he probably just need to show up/ show face at those key festive events like cny or christmas with the fam and relatives who or or less is indirectly related to the status of the marriage.

maybe that's what 2.5 is looking for and then left when i wasnt ready to go further with him. at least out of all the r/s, he's the 'fairest' coz though i also loved him, he was careful and made sure i didn't fall so deep for him along the way. all those mutual checks and balances he effected; he handled our emotions so carefully that until up to this day, he's the only guy who didnt made me hate myself for being myself. he's such a pro. though i still i miss him a little, its doesn't make me feel like i'm a horrible person who's not worth the love.



phew, anyway, i'm glad that's all out.
schs' out and now i'm left with intermittent submissions of the fyp report.
i'm glad that's another thing to keep me busy.
and also, i'm soooo glad to be back in contact! our club is probably gg to merge with another club due to the lack of players for 15s. but i'm secretly glad coz at least now we're gonna get a more structured trng!

after watching Japan play at the world cup, it just inspires me to be a better rugby player and a better person. i'm starting to get more motivated to gym and condition myself for 15s.
also, its been alonnngg time since i had time for myself, to really do the things that i want to and not feel like i'm being selfish by spending my time at trngs and all. bc there's no one else left, other that going for trngs, i even have extra time for mother poon though she's the one that has priority of my time now without the exams. thank God her schedule is pretty flexible also. hahas.


well, i cant wait for 2020. it's probably gg to be much different year for me as compare to the last few dark years. in the meantime, i think i should list down some things on my list as 2020 is approaching:
1. my fyp
2. class 2 license
3. class 3 license
4. plan for Nepal ABC trek next yr!!!!!!
5. bring mother poon to jb by end of this yr
6. mother poon and sis to taiwan in jan (hopefully)
7. depending on this sem's results, then i can see if i'm still on track to 2nd class upp
8. class 2 bike? hahas
9. TOURING.
10. erm ok, pack my room. hahahs. this should be #1. but erm... fyp first la ah? hahas


:)
thank you God for staying with me and providing me with all the music that calms the soul and heals the wounds. thank u for providing me with comfort in the darkest of nights. thank u for keeping my family safe so far and i pray then u can keep us all together, all 4 of us.
i also wanna pray to be a better person. i still hope that i can remain as passionate, but i hope that my intentions wont be misunderstood by anyone and that my scars wont make me less of a forgiving and horrible person. thank u for all the trials and tribulations. i mean though they're really painful and haunting, i know that they're all to make me a better person. i hope that i can continue to trust the process, and trust in You rather than my own voice and defenses.



looking foward to finishing up this dec 2019 and my fyp interim submission! hahas

almost there

3 papers down, one more to go on monday.
its about 2228hrs, trying to study in the airport at my usual place.

went back to work for the last 2 morng shifts.
feeling tired from the week of exams and studying and work;
hence, taking a break from studying for now.


i think i should sum up the feelings now for this sem.
done with all the tough mods, cleared 2 heavy papers and 1 light paper, more light one to go.

RCM on tues. (Reliability Centered Maintenance) felt like i did my best given the time frame, with a mod of my playing field; but always feel like i could do better, or could be more be more efficient in my writing.

DSP on wed. (Digital Signal Processing) the core mod that i've dedicated 90% of my studying time to. it was always switching from studying DSP, to RCM then back to DSP. the paper felt easy. not because i studied so hard, but coz everyone also felt that the paper was easy. so it did felt like i overstudied coz now everything just neutralizes. its was also coz its was one of those electronics mod that i fear, so i dedicated more time to it. subtly, it was also coz it was ur field. but anway, from working towards a pass to aiming for an A, now it just feels abit in the soup (haha directly translated from chinese) coz of the easy paper. not that i was wishing for a hard paper though. hahas. maybe abit? but no. hahahahas. but its the last 'heavy' module for my course, so finishing the paper macham felt abit like i'mgonnagrad. (but no. there's still 2 more programming mod + capstone + exam results not even out hor)

HF on thurs. (Human Factors). ahhas. level 1 mod. my thing. but was over complacent in the studying since opportunity costs was heavily towards DSP. i mean i did study abit, but i only started to focus and pay more attention on like, wed evening. hahas. the night before the paper, my friend and i had like 70% feels to not go for the paper (take next sem). then coz probably the grace of God fell from the sky, a random group mate from other module msged me to tell me to watch the revision lecture that was being recorded which some of us weren't aware of coz the lecturer didnt want to tell us the details of the revision lecture (since it was re-sit students and not for us); and that the whole sem's lecturers weren't recorded coz all of our lects were held in NP. yea. so like about 1am, i was on my bed watching the revision lect and making annotations. damn assuring. hahas. my friend also watched till about midnight. so on thurs morng, we're like...LOL. let's do this. also, all of our papers were 1pm paper, but also by the grace of God, for some reason, this paper was at 4pm. so we had more time to literally last min study. so we studied on our own and at about 2pm (2hrs b4 exam), we went through past year papers together real quickly and tested each other coz it was a closed-book exam. 4pm came. i flipped opened the qns paper, and dumped whatever i had stored in my working memory in point form on the qns paper before doing the paper proper.
hahas ok, so i left the hall 20 mins b4 submission, the first and last paper that i'd ever do that, feeling like i nailed it. during the paper, at some point, i felt like i was flexing to the marker by drawing graphs (those i learnt while trying to understand more quickly via YouTube) and all. haha, quite disgusting yet proud of myself, i think i can A+ this mod. A would be a disappointing. hahas pretty arrogant for a paper that i was complacent in my studies, but that's how assuring the revision lect was.
i mean i also left the hall earlier coz for some reason, i felt like i needed to pee and had a mild headache. when i reached back the revision room, i had a pounding headache. i dont usually get headaches (probably the first since one bad one that i could rmbr back in 2017 while u were around). it felt like the AMS kind. my kind friend got me panadol, but i just wished that u were by my side. i just needed ur shoulders to lie on to feel that peace again. i guess coz its been a long time since i really tried to cramp super much things in my head in a super short period of time.


ok. didn't expect to long-winded that part.


but yea, this sem.
pretty smooth sailing. like all my sch lectures didnt' clash much with my work schedules and in fact, i had pockets of opportunities to even include some Tough trngs and even managed to play a season in the Touch League.



i'm just... probably in awe that this sem and almost becoming a large part of 2019 that things have been kind. too kind, that i'm always reminded to always be thankful and appreciative.

i mean, it is still very scary that how good and nice things / people can just disappear like what happens when Thanos snaps his fingers.
rides homes from the west still include thoughts of u. however, i am believing that i'm starting to stride over all the unhappy past. some of the nights, i still dream of u. and in fact, the week before exam week, i had consecutive dreams of u, not those nightmaring kinds, but those oh, wow, ok. like i woke up, reflected on the dream, lingered on the good feels but also trying to re-assess my state. as in like, i guess i'm sailing so smoothly that i do expect no dreams of u in any format. no dreams, no nightmares with u in it. but they do still appear. i'm also not in an state of consciously pushing them away as with the pink elephant ideology, but yes, they still run through my mind when i'm sleeping.

probably also coz it's DSP. all ur fields. in pockets of stressed out moments, i let in some thoughts of u. like it'd be interesting if we could talk and discuss about this module. for some freaking reason, i'm actually starting to like this electronic mod. pretty sure that this part is not because of u. but as mentioned, its my most weakest field, so i really spent alot of effort trying to get it. and while its overcoming hurdles understanding non-understandable concepts, probably the feels of the little victories mimmicks the positive reward reinforcement to start liking something that i could start to understand. so, its with this understanding that i did think if we could be talking about these concepts tgr. then again, i guess if i had u around, i'd probably be dependent on you and not work so hard like this. really. if i get a B+ for this, i'd really be disappointed.

its like.. for monday's paper, only started to study on thurs night.
its probably an 'easy module' but i hope i'm not expecting it to be an easy paper.


i actually do have alot in my mind.


actually apart from blogging out this exam period, i'm also blogging its coz i just wanna straighten out some of my thoughts and hypothesis about u.
i dont deny that i'm thinking of u on most of the days, but these thoughts dont torture me as how those in 2018 could.

i'm always wondering how are you? what are u doing? are you happy?
and it ends off with "it shouldn't concern me and u'd be happy without me."
on more... lonelier quiet days, hmmm.. or rather, (exam) stressful days, i do ask if myself if u're really happy without me. like, could u be happy without me? but most of the time i shrugged it off with the reminders that they all did choose to walk out in the end, closing the door shut behind.
then the harmful second train of thoughts, carrying self-doubt and self-esteem qns fall in. "why didnt you like me in the end?" "what did i do to make u hate me like this?" "am i that of a horrible person when i'm in love or even when i'm not?" well, at least now they're identifiable, as in like, at least i'm aware of blocking out all these degrading thoughts before letting their effects run its course.


class95 lovelife forum at night, esp since its always the time i'm riding back home, does keep me distracted and yet focused at times. haha some times i write in to comment and my comment gets read out by John Klass. hahas. the irony. me giving ppl advices to ppl with the same problems as me.
i do think of taking a ride up to mount faber and bask under the moonlight in the quiet of the night and high above from the problems. but then,  i guess it wasn't practical to do so - to be alone at night in an isolated place. also, i couldnt be sure if mt faber felt peaceful beacuse of u or because it was mt faber on its own. then again, its not worth the risk.
haha, there was one night that i had to make a delivery to a house at mt faber cres. i passed by mt faber, and also henderson waves and was so close to going up to henderson waves just to spend some quiet time with myself. but what's the point if u're not there and also, if it just adds on risk to my personal safety with justifiable benefits being induced. was so closed to msging u, but i refrained from unlocking my phone to evict out a step 2.


i mean sometimes i do think like.. we should not marry because of love. marrying someone because of love leaves you with something / an opportunity for you to lose something, or gives someone that opportunity to take something so important away from you. why take the risk? HFACS says like 1st line of hazard control is to Eliminate then Substitute then implement engineering controls and lastly, admin controls (personal protective equipment).  haahhhhah that pun. anyways ya. so like.. we should probably marry because we need a name tied to a legit person on documentations for like.. idk .. house? apply for govt grant for baby benefits? haha idk, what else?
perhaps thats why ppl of the past always say to marry a rich man. at least if he losses all the money, u dont lose much coz its not ur money to begin with. losing a loved one is much more severe than losing a rich man. DONT YOU AGREE? hahhas.

i mean there are also days where i straddle across thoughts of losing faith in love entirely. actually the the moment of typing this, 10% having faith in love. hahs. well, better than 90% lost in love hahahas (HF's heuristics on Framing Bias), though they're effectively the same.
ok, there's somone still msging me intermittently, and since 2018 if i rmbr correctly. idk how and why, but i still rmbr that there are some days i just wanna msg him out all my internal issues, but i dont.
i dont because i'm not ready to be myself infront of anyone coz it has been proven i could lose that person entirely;
i dont because it wouldn't be fair to him if it was just me wanting to rant out to someone;
i dont because i'm picking up confidence in facing and solving my own issues on my own and internally.
i dont because i dont wanna give in to any chances.
but having said all of that, there are a few spurr of the moments that i was happy to receive his msges. however, i can no longer be sure if i'm happy coz it was him msging me, or me receiving a text from someone.


ok la. i really duno how to frame it all this time round, i just know that life is really much kinder, and God has always been faithful.
i still miss you and i'm ok with that.
its more like, i'm not going to deny nor refuse the probability of me missing u for the rest of my life. perhaps its no longer just about u, but wtih d, k1 and k2, its all the same. hence, using a venn diagram, it brings it all back to me, handling my own emotions and state of mind.

ok. 2338hr. i'm tired. but i don deserve to go home coz i'm left with 1 more chapter to study before i can start revising for the exam proper. its one of the papers that i need to A it if i want to grad with a 4.01 gpa and not 3.99. THAT DIFFERENCE. yes, that's the level of self-induced stress i'm dealing with. hahas. but better than dealing with the 2018 struggles.


idk how to end this post, coz if u realize, i has been for a very long while since i started to use this space to emotionally vomit rather than the original agenda of sharing my eventful life activities and key pivotal thoughts in life.
hmmm. ok. i guess, i'm appreciating the little changes or rather, improvements in whatever. (haha i dont even know how to phrase/ classify/ describe).  i guess now i can (almost start to) consider myself as an engineering grad, and i should learn to 1 0 my life as well. with the errors and fluctuating noise, i just need to apply the correct filters and smoothen out all the peaks and troughs in life, without eliminating and neglecting key pivotal moments, good or bad.
haha, maybe i should work out a possibility of doing a framework for discussing or solving ur mental emotions - the engineering way. there probably already is, but maybe its more of like.. writing to cater/speak to engineering ppl. then again, if they're alrdy engineering, they would probably be able to 1 0 their life out on their own.

ok. that is random and so deviated.
i guess i should stop now.
and to whoever is faithfully back to read this meaningless (for now) space, thank you.
ahahad u can drop me a dm if u have any Q&A. HAHAHA. whatever siol. okok, kthnxbye. :)