Finally you agreed to meet so tt i could clear up all the misunderstandings. Its good that u could finally speak ur mind while i could shut up and listen without both of us shutting each other off.
i didnt want to restort to msging jas and my dearest estee about us. u really think that i wanted to resort to such pathetic means? i wanted to meet and clear things off but u didnt respond. like did whatsapp fail? or like did i dial the wrong number? i had no choice and no other fantastic plans to find u. i wouldnt' want to be unprofessional at work also. i've spent many nights camping at ur block, many hours at ur voiddeck vs spending time with my mum. u think i wanted that? i even knew who in ur estate goes home at what time, and who hangs out at ur block at what time.
But today, its really sad to find out that u were actually 'enduring' me for the past 1 yr - which was actually the time we got together. (yes, holy shit to me)
You said that i kept thinking of myself. I dont disagree, but u have no idea. Though I dont complain to you, it doesnt mean that the sacrifices dont count for me. The time spent tgr at the cost of spending time with mother poon, working ot, trngs, studying... all these mean so much to me as well so its really not just about you losing those. i just thought that spending time with u is more precious since its so danm hard to find a space in our schedules. Perhaps it seems better/ more convenient for me coz i have a bike and its a geological fact that i live nearer to our work area. Perhaps if u stayed in Changi / pasir ris, you wouldnt think that i'm self-centred since i'd be staying at ur place more. I believe you would have done the same as i did. With retrospect, say now i live at Tuas... our relationship would probably be so different. Dont run away from facts and cloud it with your own thinking coz, that is selfcentred. To u, what i'm gg to say now seems to be again, defensive. But i dont know how to phrase it better while trying to be logical, and again, since u've long ago have this perception of me, so nothing i say here will sound legit to you anyways.
U said that always having to take the last bus home is tiring.
Previously, i kept offering to send u home but u didnt want coz it would tire me. Perhaps i was wrong to think that by sending u home, i could spend time with you vs thinking tt sending u home so u could rest more. I dont really know who is self centred now- me not sending you home or me having to listen to you.. which is both the same. Perhaps i should be rebellious and just send you home which would upset you. Omg. Perhaps u're really the type that u dont mean want you say and want ppl to fight for u. Ok that's genuinely mean of me to say that. But i guess at this point in time, its clear that we're both the same. Same. Perhaps i should really learn to love myself more.
Perhaps, we shouldnt even meet at all. Problem solved. If you dont agree that our timing (with both having hectic work and sch schedules) played apart, then apart from u not loving me, i really duno what else. I never supported you to extend assignment deadlines, but i always stayed on because you wanted me too despite sometimes i am also very exhausted from the schedules. But i love you more than being tired nor the sacrifices, which i'm trying not to see it as a mistake now since its all 'blinded by love', 'love is true' dah dah dah.
When u waited for me to come home from my riding road trip, i kept emphasizing not to wait for me coz i couldnt have an accurate ETA. But now u just admit that its tiring and painful to do so. See. I TOLD YOU SO. We even argued abt u waiting for me. I told you to go home and rest and i literally ordered you to do so but u said 'you cant do this to be coz im ur boyfriend'. Well, bottom line is u cared for me and i cared for you.. But you shouldnt say im selfish. Do u know that i actually sped so fast just so i could reach home earlier to shorten ur waiting time. This was a biggest wrong move and oversight for me coz i rode past my lead rider which i missed him at the blindspot, hence leading up to that incident which u led up to reaffirming that its not safe for me to ride and all. Riding is never safe, esp overseas. I get that. I think the bigger mistake is thinking about u while riding which caused me to lose my focus. How does that sound? Who is the self-centred one. same.
I did told my mum abt who i'm gg on the road trip with, so u also cant say that i brought pain to her. She would tell me, but she trusts me more that i could handle situations reasonably well. Maybe yea, she dont tell me her pain, but i believe she loves me more. Also just to let you know, mother poon is also a very stubborn person, if she doesnt want me to do it, she will ensure that she does everything to stop me from doing it. If you dont have tt trust and confidence in me nor believe in the trust i have for my collegues, then you shouldnt say that i'm stubborn, and stop thinking that im self-centred coz that is self-centred of u to think so. come on, u dont even like that i'm standing so close to my collegues when taking a photo. perhaps u can buy me an inbuilt-wider lens phone?. So, this really shows that u're also pretty much thinking abt urself, so u can be less worried for me, while i just wanted to "do whatever i like, coz its-my-life". We're both the same, we're both equally self-centred.
All in all, like i've said, i dont disagree that you say i think about myself all the time. I always put the ppl whom i love around me, first. And if my intentions led you to think otherwise, then I'm sorry. But i guess u need to see that you're also self-centred, always thinking about urself coz you want ppl to follow your ways. Even though its good intentions for them, u want ppl to go according to what you want because its 'for their own good'. We're both the same. The difference is perhaps, you dont say it, while im more explicit which now it seems i've got it and done it all wrong.
This reminds me.. u're just like the guy in Hunger Games. U believe that peace can be established in those saddistic ways- ways according to what u think is best and right for the good of others. But have u noticed the outcome- of the whole picture? Have u really, really considered for my feelings at all? Because right from the start, u have never loved me, u wont see that. Perhaps its so wrong for me to say this now, but have u wondered why relationships dont work out for u as well? Yes, same for me. Like u've said to me, hope that i'd be able to find someone more compromising, who is always willing to give in to me. That's really for you- to find a girl who would talk, walk and dress according to how u want her to. For me, perhaps if i believe in earthly love again, i'd rather wish for someone who understands my heart, trusts me and loves me for who i am. Coz all those clothes that u wanted me to wear for u didnt work too.
I always ask u if u're tired when we're out coz u look tired and i was concerned. u wouldn't say yes or no, so i'd further ask if u're upset. then, because i asked that, it really made u upset coz i always ask such questions. but hey. in moments when were tried to talk, do u realize why i got defensive? u kept on saying that i should talk better, dress better, walk and eat better and all... "and see ur girl friends agrees that you should normal b vs sports b when we're out and not doing sports"... things like that. apart from trying to tell me that i've been self-centered and selfish, but you NEVER once ADMITTED that me u were tired, and now u're telling me u were tired???? eh. i was literally BEGGING you to tell me ur honest heart and knew and FELT that u werent telling me everything. but u keep saying that i was defensive. then what is this now?? i dont believe this really.
Perhaps i really need to start thinking more for myself and stop loving so blindingly. I know that im a logical and rational person and ppl do think of me as that.So when i do blind things out of love, my actions seem to tally with the cold rational me and in the end, it seems that everything is all about me.
I still somehow, unfortunately love you, but perhaps my mistake is to not let u finish ur sentences when u had the chance to. i was defending our relationship too fiercely without also trying to understand our individual problems first. And when i finally shut up to give u more chances to speak, u've alrdy been so cornered and learnt not to speak your mind. So for that i apologize, but true enough, its only as friends, or rather, when we're not longer friends that we could calmly talk and hear each other out like today. i always wished that we could start again as friends, to relieve all the stresses, but you couldnt wait. i wanted to be like how u and jas are. i was jealous, but i also knew i cant replace the friendship u guys have over the years. I wouldnt say im stupid to wait, but lets just say that our love became one sided, way too early in the relationship. U probably stopped loving me from the day you decided that we started to be together, though u didnt even outrightly ask for a relationship to me because u said that "isnt it clear enough?". actually no. I had to shamelessly force to u ask me if u wanted me to be ur gf over the phone just so that u could be sure. Perhaps that's wrong on my part too for rushing it when u werent ready to love me for who i am, but i didnt like that we're tgr but im not clear about it. Who's self centred again?
Its really so sad that all these actions out of love, on both of our sides go misunderstood. and also, regretted telling her stuff that i shouldnt. i was helpless and thought she could provide me with some advice or solutions. i didn't expect her to tell u stuff since i didn't even know how to phrase my heart properly to her to begin with. she probably got the wrong messsage, but i think she shouldn't tell you also though she's ur friend coz i did specifically tell her not to tell u. but if i was her, i'd do the same too uh if say.. .estee was in my position or smth.
Im still unfortunately clear that i love you coz i've learnt to look past all the flaws and love you for who u are. You don't love me the same, so i shouldnt have done so much because now u tell me that u've been enduring me and hence, my actions kept failing to misunderstanings.
you know ytd, ur mum saw me sitting on the floor at the void deck while otw home. i looked like a wrecked. after a full 12hr shift since 0600hrs and then waiting for a chance for u to reply till she saw me at about 10pm. she asked what i was doing here... i was dumbfolded but just said 1 word.. "waiting...". she asked.."waiting for.....? " before she could finished her sentence i cried like siao. then she sat down on the floor beside me.
we had a good 30mins chat. she didn't want me to tell you that we met. i wont tell you what we talked about either, but all i can say is that mothers know you the best. she's really honest and down to earth and probably one of the subtly strongest women i've met. it took alot of time for her, i think it took her more courage, heart and kindness to think of the family than herself. know her was probably one of the best things that happened to me when it comes to our relationship.
even b4 she slpt, she asked me to go home early as i looked tired. she even supported her stance by telling me that u've slpt as u've looked tired. though i was physically drained and wanted to just take a grab home and leave my bike there, i heart couldn't leave. i went up to ur block and sat outside on the corridor, looking at ur window. thats the very wall that's between us. so near yet so far. i watched ur slippers that i bought for u (which u paid me money back coz 'cannot buy shoes for ppl'), it looked so peaceful and together, unlike us.
I'm sad, but like a better sad.
Yes, i also wish to get out of this state since u also finally admitted that you're happier without me with more sleep time, more time to rest, do the stuff that u wanna do and all. For the record, having more time for myself, being able to do more things for me doesnt make me happy as how u've put it across. Though it makes me feel more relieved and while getting all these back in return, im even more hurt to have lost you to all these circumstantial challenges. So that is the difference.
I've made a promise to disappear from your life, but u cannot stop me from blogging at least. Since u mentioned that ppl talked to u abt me an my emo posts on instagram, then i should ask, y do u bother? Its my life (coz im self centred) and u shouldnt care since u dont want to care. Isnt that right? y dont u ask ur friends who sees post and not tell you abt it? They're ur friends and they should know u better. if u dont like them telling u stuff abt my life, then tell them dont. I'm alrdy out of u life so whatever i do doesnt concern u right? That's how you've put ir across to me so why cant u honour that? that's also one of the reason why i had to unwillingly get u off my followers right? But fair enough, i'll try my best to refrain from posting emo stuff abt u coz i love u more than me having that emotional outlet. I can shut down that outlet of the emo nights if thats want u have said u want me to do.
But i also want u to rmbr why all these escalated, its coz u broke ur promise. U said we could be friends. U said we could text. So if u suddenly go all cold to me, i think it is basic decency / courtesy/ respect/ gentleman/ human to tell me to stop texting u as friends and tt u want to end this friendship entirely, rather than leaving me in this notlivingnotdead state in for these months. It is also very wrong of u to use me from august onwards since u mentioned that u have alrdy decided to give up then. Do u know how that feels? Like to know that instead of trying to tighten the knot, my actions are burning the rope while im being wasted away by someone who is actually aware that he doesnt love me? i feel so wasted, cheap and gross that i thought u would love me by making u happy like tt. But wrong again, there's no way u can love me more since there's no love from u to begin with. but yes, u're a guy, and it doesnt matter. 'its all in the past so it doesnt matter. 'look ahead' 'forget all these sadness'. But i dun understand how u could not tell me then, what kind of person are u really? Is that respect? And u know what, i wont forget u evrn if i manage to hate or let go of my feelings fo u. i know that this love i have for u is too deep. even deeper than my first love, D, whom took me 10 over years to get over when i eventually met u and allowed to give us a try. i really broke many kinder hearts along the way, but the superficial break is better than the long term ones like how we are now. these are also hard and truthful lessons and i thank u for that coz at least we didnt sign any legit papers, waste money to goverment on downpayments for flat (i dont mean to hurt u for this point), or at a point when we're dealing with other ppl lives, kids whom has our combined blood flowing in them.
And i realized, aug was before bromo trip. #doubleblow who was i with again?
Im such a cheap girl anyway right.
well, I think to i'd finally try and summarize this painful learning episode:
1. We both shouldnt have started knowing that we both werent ready.
2. I shouldnt have listened to sweet nothings, but learn to wait / be patient in love and not love by feeding ur needs and forgetting to figure out mine.
3. I should have never lost myself so entirely to you or love u to the moon and back but stick to being rational and logical coz reasoning always makes it more worthwhile.
4. I am self-centred, even if my intentions are for the thoughts of other. Perhaps this is when i should re-assess my actions, tailoring it to suit different ppl's... perception?, just so that misunderstandings can be minimized.
5. We're both the same. Stubbornly self-centred, who have everybody's welfare at mind but forgetting to love ourselves to accept and give love in/out gracefully.
6. If ever i should unfortunately get a bf, he'd better own a bike himself. If he doesnt, then i guess i have to love him enough to quit riding altogether.
And maybe here's a quick tip for u,
If u want the person you love to hang on, maybe u should pay attention to her heart and needs, and not on the things u think its best for her. if possible, figure her out if she's so messed up like me, and be honest to her at all freaking times. even if it hurts to say you're tired, SAY IT. she needs to know. Actually for the good of all the nicer ladies out there, pls dont make use of their love to satisfy ur selfish needs and support it with ur one-sided thinking just because they love you. (They're perhaps blindedly in love with you since if u don't love them for who they are.)
the girl whom has chosen to love you will want to enter ur heart and stay inside there, not base on what u you do or say, but based on who you are inside.
"Its better to not love at all, than to love and to realize you're not being loved after all."
-Poon M.
