exams.finaly.ended.
really.
this is by far the toughest semester ever. in my entire life of studying, i've never studied until like this. almost everyday, its like 12pm to 3am. either studying in sch or at pasir ris macs. my meals are like, anyhow... sometimes cereal from a bottle, sometimes snacks, if feeling chill, would eat in sch if i'm in sch, if not i'd eat macs. most of the time i'd be super sick of macs food, so just a cup of coffee or like a large packet of shaker fries. haven't been home for dinner since i'd be home only after 2am.
the combination of the modules alone was tough. lab schedules clashed with work. there's countless class tests and weekly submissions, along with 3 reports, 2 lab tests, 1 project. 2 wks before exam, i was still rushing for one of my report.
Linear Analysis
Analogue Design
Corrosion and Fracture Mechanics
Aerospace Propulsion
what a combi .all of which was not only demanding, but they are prerequisites for some of july-only mods which i've planned to take next sem. to make things more... challenging, some of the mods are jan-only. means, if i'd to fail any of this mod, it would mean that i've gotta +1 yr to my planned 2020 grad. that's 2021. that's like another 3 yrs? ok, on the brighter side, it would mean i would be able to slow down my pace, which means to take 3mods per sem, instead of the currently pace at 4 mods per sem. next sem i've planned to take 5 mods, but 2 mods are the lighter electives.
the exam papers were a killer. i guess coz now its newly known as "SUSS", they've probably upped the game. jan papers are always more challenging.... but i really didn't expect Propulsion to destroy us. it was really.... i mean, the lecturer even did pre-amped us that it's gg to be a difficult paper. despite all kinds of prep and anticipation, we're still taken aback by how and what the questions were asking. merciless. past years, it was all about calculations.. this time round, its more about graphs and explanation from the sky.
so. in the midst of all these exam stress, my phone got stolen. and 1.5 wks later, my bike key broke at caltex petrol statn after i refueled. it was 3.30am. i had a rather productive studying day at PR macs, and otw home, i was like.. i just wanted to go home asap to have a good bath and zzz. i was even riding at like 60km/h, coz i was just so cold and tired. at the petrol stn, i was glad that i finally fueled up and ready to head home to my bed. then when my key just blatantly failed like that after trying to pull out from the tank, my heart just sank.
for a good 2 or 3 mins, i just sat there. no response. no action. no feeling.
i mean after my lost phone case, and the shitload of studying, 3am, i was beaten.
the petrol uncle asked me if everything was ok. i wanted to cry out load and say everything's not ok, but i just said "yea, my key broke, trying think of smth".
i called a few 24hrs locksmith / motor keys services... the rates were about $300. no way i was gg to pay that kind of money. after about 20mins of calling 4 to 5 numbers, i started tearing. initially, i was sad coz i was feeling helpless. then i started to get even more disappointed with myself for feeling so useless especially when i know that i can be a resourceful person in dire circumstances. but that night, it sort of hit me that i was really really really dependent on u. mostly for emotional dependence or just some affirmation in my decisions. w/o u and ur feedback or texts, i felt so... lost? i dont really know how to describe that kind of feeling.. dejected? idk. just damn useless.
at that point of time, i believed that i didnt have a spare key. i rmbr gg back to the bike shop a few yrs back to ask for a spare key but they didnt have. they said they had passed it to me but i rmbr that i wasn't able to find it at home.
by it, it was about 430am. i decided to just leave the bike there, cab home, have a shower and think of another solution. a cab driver at the petrol station knew what happened and drove me home; of course, midnight charges applied. $10 fare.
i sat in the cab, looking out of the window as the street lights passed me, while holding on to all my textbooks in my hand. i took them out from the box just in case i didn't have a plan. i prayed. i didn't ask God why all these are happening during this time, but i just kept telling myself that God wouldn't any struggle which i couldn't bear. i prayed to ask him for strength, for some brilliance to attain some form of solution and i really can't do anything if its not for God's strength.
i reached home, and thought, ok, maybe i should just go and check that drawer where i'd keep all my bike key related stuff again. i opened the drawer, took away the stuff that's on this special metal tin, and then opened the tin..... lo and behold, i saw a shiny bike key.
tbh, idk if its a miracle or simply i had cleanly forgotten that i had a spare key, but i thank God for the miracle. it gave me that little burst of energy to go back, retrieve my bike and continue on this road.
(tbh, as i'm typing this now, i'm getting a little freaked out. coz the key is super new, no stains, no corrosion, like i've never seen it before. & i really really dont remember having a spare key, my memory can't be that bad right?)
so yea, used grab, another $9 back to caltex.
otw back, i was just focused on trying to get home coz it was about 5am and i was physically losing myself to surroundings. i bathe, and immediately went to bed with my hair wet.
i cried.
but i rmbr trying to thank God alot. i mean, it could have been alot alot worst. imagine if its at clementi (sch area), or like.. some ulu place. or like.. peak hour traffic.
i saw that my room was starting to light up by the subtle rising sun. before seeing blue rays turning to its full yellow glow, i realized i was awake again by 12pm.
it feels abit weird. was abit groggy, not sure if i've slept or fallen to some abyss and back again.
i missed u in the morng, but went to brush my teeth, cooked up a meal, ate, and took a power nap before heading out again to the same place by 2pm.
so yea. exams and u, and the troubles of life.
mother poon was extremely understanding. she knew that i had really commit all my time to studying, so she just let me do whatever i want. i mean, the usual motherly nagging about gg home late and all was almost nil. hahas. instead, she did ask if i wanted to eat some korean stew or smth, perhaps she can cook and i can come back to eat if i wanted. some days, i went home early to eat, but it was only because i had night shift at 11pm. so i'd be home by 9.30pm to bathe and eat b4 heading out to work. there's one day she even sent me those mass-forwared picture on fb.. something like "to my daughter... you had a long day... i just want to know if u're tired...." and all those. wah, i read it while at macs and literally shed a tear.
its like those moments, where the littlest of actions send ginormous amounts of comfort and love out of the blue. i felt like shit for not spending time with mother poon during these few weeks, esp there's like mothers day weekend and all but i really had no choice. i even gave up this 10s rugby game which i really wanted to play in coz the finals was at the national stadium, infront of a live crowd, and screened, coz it was part of the international rugby 7s tournament. i went for 3 trngs and decided that i cant afford to go for 3 more trngs + 2 wkend game days at the expense of my studying time. i could cover a few past year papers in that time frame.
so yea.
in the midst of all these information and trying to stay alive, every min, i was trying to fight off thoughts of u. some days i lost control and texted u. u didn't reply as usual, but i was still unwillingly expectant. i didn't want to expect a reply, but i needed a reply from u. my existence was no longer in existence in ur world. some nights when i sleep, i dreamt of u. i rmbr one night, i had this nightmare of u. i can't rmbr what was the content, u werent some monster or anything, but something happened in the dream and i woke up. i can't rmbr when was the last time i had woken up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare.. probably in my poly days while still in my teens or smth, but i woke up in the middle of the night despite desperately hoping that each night's sleep could be a maximum rest and recharge time for me. my mind couldnt stop running.
because of the nightmare, that whole day was just shaky. i missed u. i felt wierd. i felt useless and hopeless. but if that's the only way to leave us connected, then just let the nightmares play one.
idky, but i hated myself.
u've really changed me alot.
i've lost so much.
apart from weight (coz i rmbr having no appetite for the longest period of time in my entire life), i didn't know how to be independent. i lost the ability to look for practical solutions. i've lost the mind of being creative and positive. everything i did and thought was all because of u, and now, i find myself in a limbo, having to lost that form of direction.
ive been praying alot. i didnt want to have friends. some days dickson came to study with me coz he needed to do his work. and i felt like its wrong. idky but if u know, dickson is like my teenage growing up buddy. we've been friends for the longest of time, so i can't imagine if we got anything else more that friends other than adventure or do shit buddies, tgr with suan y. and gang. sometimes even when i'm having lunch one on one with my sch mates, or just out with any girl friends, i just felt like i was sinning against u / doing u wrong. u've really struck such fear in me that i'm not even aware of till now. when we're tgr, i felt this way, but i thought it was just me trying to fight off some rebellious feeling. but now i realized, i've grown to be afraid of u to some extent.
even the clothes that i wear out, i trying not to feel disgraceful about my t-shirt and cargo pants, but i'm starting to think perhaps, i should dress out nicer so i wouldn't feel so shitty about myself.
i struggled to be nice to people. i was trying to be cold. and my mind was just lost in some whirlpool. i couldnt straighten my thoughts out because on top of all these, i was still trying to work out some legit electrical concepts or some engineering calculations.
i wished that u were with me, coz u're studying electronics stuff, so this year we could actually discuss about what we're learning with more understanding. haha. but what was i wishing for when i'm even starting to question my existence in ur world.
what was 2017 all about? it's really starting to get really hazey.
on the other hand, God was constantly sending angels. there's some super distant friends who has followed my insta story and because sometimes i do instastory my emotions coz twitter was a big outlet enough for me to emotional vomit, they text me simple kind messages. those meant alot ot me really. its not just about feeling loved, but it was a reminder to take a break, and i'm really not some mean freak who's non-existent. one friend event sent me a postcard. really, i wasn't ranting on social media to gain attention or anything, but i just can't contain it. there's one night estee called me just to check up on me. i hung up on here coz i just can't talk properly while crying my eyes out at 3am. idky, but somehow, though she's thousands of miles away, she seem to feel me. she texted me at my darkest hour, literally. i didn't need or wanted her coz i just wanted to be left alone and cry till i forget all these stuff. but somehow, her texts were one of the greatest comfort. idk how and y, but i guess it's through God' love and her love that i felt like i'm back on earth. weeks later when i finally opened my letter box, i realized she handmade a card for me all the way from the states. it has been sitting in my letter box for weeks (since i rarely open the mail) and i received it at just the right time.
God is really a great protector and defender which i can't comprehend.
its been tormenting really.
at this point in time, i have forced myself to end all hopes of keeping a friendship with u since u abhor me totally now. i hope to stop loving u; or perhaps come to peace with the fact that i can continue to love u when u just leave me hanging w/o a word.
i'm abit disappointed to be yet another ex in ur life that's not worth remembering, or forgetting so quickly. its not about the happy times we've spent tgr, but really, all the trying moments that we've put so much effort into but it all goes to countless misunderstandings. our actions always have some adverse effect despite it being out of love. is there such thing as too much love? idk. too bad i guess the workload of sch and work has a made a full impact on our relationship; and too bad i only knew how to priortize my sch work over spending time tgr. i did try, but it's nv enough for u. i guess the biggest regret for me is giving in when i knew we both weren't ready, but just went ahead because of momentary happiness.
