listen to what your mother tells you

today, another day, another normal day of arguments and disappointments.
well, the good thing out of this is that now that you (finally) tell me, i now know that u've been tolerating my nonchalant cold msges/ attitudes, the pushing u away and then texting u about daily nothings (yet again and again); so all in all, i'm this girlfriend who is using the boyfriend for emotional support.


true.
oh, so you do know, and u've made known to me.
but am i really in the wrong and the only one at fault?
i'm reallllyyyyy not trying to let either of us shoulder all these 'faults' but do u even know that u've cornered me so, so bad.

you know tbh, before i got into a relationship, i always laugh at girls not being explicit in telling their boyfriends on what they want / whats in their head. i'd always say that's so bimbo, that's so girly and hence, leading their boyfriends into this wild emotional hide-and-seek. but then, its really only now that i clearly see why. clearly.see.why.
i'm so being forced out of my league here.
i've lost myself.

relatively, i mean i dont want to sound narcissistic and feministic, but i do think i'm a tad above average when it comes to dealing with personal emotional nothings. i dont think i've ever really felt emo and whiny for no apparent reason. on days, i do whine, do feel emo / needy and whatever, but at least they do not come w/o a reason.


everyday, i'm just affected by u, when u do or do not do anything.
your well-being became mine.
and along with it there's this wall.
a wall which i presumably built.
for the past few months, some of ur msges have sent daggers straight to my heart. i felt that familiar pain. i cried and then be upset at myself for causing all these. then i feel all alone, not because i dont have anyone to talk to, but u're supposed the no.1 person i turn to when i feel like that.
so now i'm stuck.
i now see why girls cry so easily. because they care too much. they want everything. but no one can help them deal with it.
i want things to be my way, but i also want it to be your way.
whether its whoever that gives in, it just dont seem fine. i'm not myself, and u're probably just into that 'giving-in' mode.


so today i do have to acknowledge one thing- everything could be easier if its out of love.
has it not been?
unconditional love.
something that i've tried tangibly but got scolded at... like surprising you at ur door step with prata in the morng after my night shift just because i thought u'd be happy esp when u're always hungry in the morng.  i know u care and got worried coz its after my night shift and i'm supposedly tired, having to travel all the way from changi to yishun then went back. but perhaps maybe u could be happy first, then scold me later- so at least my objective of making u happy when u first wake can be met.
following then, i realize surprises dont work for us.
idk if its missing the expectations totally or what, but it always end up in arguments or misunderstadings. like even for that first thing u made for me on my birthday, u questioned my happiness so severely - to me at least. how do u want me to show happy?
to blog and post about it? then u'll say that its so pretentious (what a familiar word) coz u always say that happy couples do not need to post about them being happy since its between just the two of us. so when i dont, u go into that self-doubt that u havent tried enough to make me feel happy.
now when i do see happy couples walking together on the street, i cringe and my stomach churns. i can actually feel that physical process.
when i see happy couples posting up happy photos, i dont even dare wish for such a scenario for us.

i had to privatize twitter just to let that part be away from you because do u know that u really judge me for who i am? every thought i had was being condemned. i didn't need that. while i am trying to figure and execute out the mechanical geometry u have for me as a girlfriend, electronically im trying to reprogrammed the system, and this re-booting needs some.... gap. just like those u find in a mother board so that the circuit wont be shorted. and this gap is only where i can, and need to be myself.
i always naively thought that being in a healthy relationships, means to be open and truthful. clearly, tt didnt work out for us because of the way i am being built / programmed.


maybe i.am.girl, and u really havent tired enough.
i know u dont like me saying about the past, but for 1 whole calender yr, we have not celebrated a single thing. CNY, valentines day, bdays, dates and finally our 1-wereallymadeit-year anniversary, we didn't celebrate. not because we were busy (we could have celebrate it on another day), but i do rmbr clearly its cause we're always in this state of arguement, then cold war, then not knowing if texting or communicating would be the solution; or rather, communication was never really the solution.
i know u're not a birthday person nor am i a celebration-of-occassions kinda person. but somehow with u, i just want to. i used to say, i dont understand couples who celebrate monthesary, or like go out on special dates coz its just like any other day (just that on such days, everything else is expensive); but with you, historical dates and milestones have become impt to me. tbh, i wanted to surprise u on ur birthday, plan something memorable on out 1st year. but all those mental plannings dissipated because of that constant fear. i dun exactly know how to explain that type of subtle yet immense fear, but it was big enough to stop me from executing the plans. i found myself having to tactically plan out a fail-safe-no-surprise-nothing's-impt way of trying to handover the little gifts i made for you because i realize that i didn't know what to do with them when they're staring at me in my room. its haunting. i mean from all the materialistic things i meticulously got for you (because i'm still a cheepo aunty) with the money i had to part with, like the shirt, jacket, earphones, bottle or anything..... u never really liked or use them. well, sorry to be expecting u to be using them, my bad.

ok well this yr, we did went out on my bday. after ur morng shift, before my trng, and then a movie after that. i was happy coz i could spend a day with a date that i can own (since it was to a date that born with it) with u. but then, u weren't really happy, u're tired (which i should be more understanding) and we eventually argued over icantrmbr what on the next day.


i know u hate me for blogging this out. but havent i been shutting up for the past few yrs abt my feelings. its time i really do what i need to do because i dont want to corner myself to a point beyond redemption. i've lost myself. alrdy. i do not want to physically lose it.
tbh, i can really feel my heart in this wolverine mode now, self healing as i type every word out.
i hope u never see this nor anyone to see this, but yes u can say its a lie since its public.
but if this was private, i dont think it'll serve its purpose. and its not that i want to talk openly about it.
there you go. girl mode right there. doing it and saying that i'm not doing it.

i really shouldnt let u be the epitome of my emotional well-being / work rate.
like today, i guess i got so affected at work that i left a tool in the ac. thank God for a good team with a culture that understands the seriousness about FODs, the tool was retrieved back of course.
but i really felt like shit. i dont think its good to explictly explain the details of situation here just paint a better scale of how shit i feel, but just know that the feeling is so damn shit. i thought of telling u, but again, i'm just gg get said upon; its my fault anyway.
i should always rmbr what every mother would say about "do not let relationships affect ur work". and its not just one time. (dont worry, not about the ac) but often i do cut myself, trip myself over and all just because my mind lapsed into a single momentary thought of u- thought not always pleasant. hence i always try to work hard. to work even harder so i can focused on my job coz after all, it is a requirement that i am professional at work. it's a non-nego statement.



so its really really tough.
in the midst of trying balance the big umbrealla of work and sch,
i have to stand firm on all these rolling glass marbles of emotional shit, work politics, self-esteem issues, and you.
i hope they dont break nor will i slip and on all at once.
but haven't i been trying hard?
maybe i'm really not cut out for this.
i'm not meant to be in this place in the first place coz ultimately, its not a place for women and 'society is open to gender equality'.




perhaps at the end of the day, i'm still this vulnerable girl.
i seek attention. i seek your attention.
i do things just to get ur attention.
i say or dont say things to get your attention
i do stupid meaningless things.
i just seek attention. just ur damn attention.
all i ever wanted was someone to love me for who i am.
it doesn't have to be unconditionally, but just someone to ask me if i'm ok and be obvious in trying to figure me out since i'm alrdy giving up. i mean if u are going to give up on me, then dont even try in the first place. its like if you wanna kill me, just do it fast with 1 trigger; dont push the dragger in slowly then pulling it out carefully because u care. its really more damage than good.

i dont need a tissue from you, but i want ur shirt to wipe my tears off.
i dont need physical monetary gifts, but i materialistically want something from you.
i dont need to win in any arguments, but i want u to fight for us, with me.
i dont need a shoulder to lie on on tough days, but i still humanly need a shelter when the storm is coming in.

i do feel alone, and out in the open, tirelessly trying to fend myself against the weather coz ultimately, i dont have what it takes to brave the storm and patiently wait it out.
i feel even more alone now when i've got you.
u're now officially a reminder of why i never wanted to be in a relationship 10 over yrs ago.
i gave myself chance, but i blew it since i'm not ready to be that someone you want me to be.


i'm tired.
aren't you?


let's get to the basics, coz when ur  a kid, ure mum would always say "study first, relationship can come later"; though mother poon has never ever said that to me even when i was a kid. she always wanted me to have someone.

but i guess till this day, the man i ever need now is my dad. even if he's old, non-mobile, heavily dependent on people around (if i ever made it through that incident), i think i'll need him more than he needs me.
perhaps with his love, i would be putting so much pressure on myself and on you.
you dont deserve all this.