morng, saw the email on my phone that confirmed my unsuccessful application.
then called the office/ person who interviewed me and all to ask if i can re-apply.
he say wait for the next one which is 6mths later. starts in dec. i was like.. HUH?!
so since i can't get in via senior officer.. how about paramedic?
he say cannot coz i'm a degree holder. like wth. they are looking at diploma graduates.
SERIOUSLY. i told him i dont mind diploma pay. he say he'll see what he can do abt it.
i'm sure he's not gg to do anything about it.
the next intake for paramedic is in May which is too late. so he suggested the august intake one. i was like.. SERIOUSLY? THANKS FOR TELLING NOW YA.
and when i asked in the past, everyone from the force tells me different stuff. its really inconsistent and not healthy for a good planning ya.
then i got alittle bit irritated. coz i wanted
he said based of my merits and his personal experiences.... no.
i was like.. "ok..........".
didn't really understand it. probably i sucked at interview, he misjudged me, i misjudged myself, he's jealous coz i'm young... HAHA. WHATEVER. i just dont know la k. and he wasn't open enough to tell me through the phone.
i mean like seriously.
if u government bodied ppl want local uni students, then just bloody put it down and dont cheat our feelings. i'm pretty sure abt this. dont say u welcome good degree holders from recognized institutes, instead, just say local unis ya. SERIOUSLY.
and ya, if the height's an issue, just tell me blatantly in my face. i can take it.
i rather u tell me truth than to tell me to re-apply 6mths later in which i will not grow taller ya.
this is like a love-turns-to-hate situation.
because i love and want to attain something so much, that when i dont, it becomes hate.
so on the phone, i was alrdy crying. but i was able to not sound as if i'm crying.
when i put down the phone, i pathetically walked to the toilet cubicle, sat on the relatively clean floor and cried my heart out. it been so long since i've cried like that.
not the sobz sobz kind.. but the BOOOOOOWWHAHAHHASHOOOOO kind. but coz i was still in office premises, it was like a silent bitter cry. and i dont think i'm crying over spilt milk. i'm crying because someone just slammed the door to my dream shut in my face. like literally.
at that point of time, i just wanted to take leave for the day and go home to cry my eyes out to sleep. and i didn't know that it could affect me this much. didn't expect myself to be so....... into it.
like my fb status says.. "I think this news has more impact to me than a breakup over a relationship."
seriously.
when we broke up in 2007, i know it was bad. but i think it wasn't this bad. hahas. so now, i'm not sure if i can get over this emotionally; and duno how many years i'll take. ahhas. i hope i'm kidding about this.
so for the whole day, i was like the zombie cafe zombie. working like how i would. when i drove out to deliver/have lunch.. i knew i should not be riding out today. i wasn't at my 100% attention on the road and just very very distracted.
before exiting from my toilet-outlet, i washed my faced and made sure my puffy eyes and rosy cheeks looked as if i just didn't have a good night slp.
ahhas.
and when cheong asked me why i looked like that, i told her that i was tired and everyone believed. (:
but then later she was just asking me abt when i was gg to leave the job (coz i was a temp staff and told that abt my scdf application before) ... tears started to roll down.
and then, it didn't stop.
i think it like stop after half an hour. and about another hour later. another staff came over to ask if i was ok. and then.. i cried again.
HAHA. WEAKLING CAN.
its not that i want to cry. i was really ALRIGHT! but i guess i was just too sad inside to hold back any tears. i am pretty sure there's like litres of tear behind my eyeballs now. and before i head to bed later, i'm prepared to think about this and cry again. seriously.
this whole shit can be compared to my dad's passing. though i still mean that poon's MIA was probaby 10x more overwhelming, mind-blowing and fact-unaccepted kinda thing.
and ya, when i just typed that line, i asked myself if i was exaggerating. and again, i am sure i'm not.
UGH.
so after the whole work day, it felt that time flew coz i was probably in a daze and not sure what's gg on.
i could choose an awesome dinner with mother poon and the little boy over tp trng.. but i chose the latter.
instead of doing tp's fitness, i went to the gym and gymed my heart out.
and really, it was a good session. i think i could like do 3-4 more times for a set than i normally
then joined them for drills.
and again, i could focus well. usually, i have probs focusing. coz i'm the type that needs abit of distraction to be focused. so probably by evening, after all the gyming and on a sporting-field atmosphere, i could brush those unhappy thoughts aside (though this lingering at the back of my mind) and have a good time which i eventually did.
infact, i think i did well.
so.
i do not know what's installed for me tmr.
i'm just gg to live day by day alone like that.
i wanted to cast my cares upon the Lord but i was hesitant. i know He'll gladly welcome me to do so and even want me to do so... but i just felt ashamed. i mean like i dun want to go to God because i need Him during that period of time. i want to be more appreciative of Him and not run to Him and treat Him like some outlet where i go to only when i feel the need to. it has to be out of love and not because i'm in trouble. its not nice. and ya, i really know He doesn't mind. its just...i can't la.
it's the same for earthly friends la. because i have so many friends, i can honestly say i dont have ONE darn close sister kind. let's just face it. i'm a loner and i dont open up. i mean i do open up, but i dont have one that i can confide in 24/7. i know there are friends reading this and caring for me and all which i really appreciate. so for that, thank you.
i have friends that i can talk out all my deepest sorrow and share my happiest joy as and when i want to. but i think its only 'available' when u're close to them during 'periods' of time. i.e when u're having an event that make u spend alot of time together. eg. like school, dance practices, go to church.. etc. agree agree? so when u stop all ur 'linkages'.. ur bridge of friendship naturally fades. ya, u still do oftenly meet up and have a ball of a time together and still able to talk your hearts out. but honestly, am i able to like call anyone of u now at 2.30am and pour out all my shit to a tired u so that i can have a better night?
i dont think any of our friendship's at this level yet. yea, maybe it
and dont get me wrong. i am not complaining or upset that this has to happen.
i'm just trying to put things into perspective, and still loving u ppl as much. hahas.
so sometimes i ask myself, if we -school, -church, -trainings and all.. will we still be that close? i mean we could. but surely?
and this is y leaving you was so hard. because u were that one friend that i can turn to and who would understand me perfectly like as if u were in my shoes.
HAIZ. and the best part... u live like within walkable distance from my office. though i know u're probably like in camp or what, sometimes i would just want to take my bike and ride down memory lane. those lanes around ur house literally, where we spent times talking about or lives and all. maybe like just to sit there, think to myself and pretend that u are still here with me so that i can share this heavy load.
ok.
i know i am stronger than this.
i know i am.
and it will be tomorrow.
i've got lots of dispatching jobs to go tmr. so i cannot afford to slack mentally or it will really cost my life.
ok.
good night, and it feels much better that i have vomit 70% of the shit in me.
plus, i think mum gave me spoilt steam egg that made me lao-sai. so i was able to shit it all out literally.
HHAHAHHA. ok. enough nonsense (though i wasn't joking abt that. hahas).
PAP WP NSP SDA SDP SPP RP all have bigger worries than me now. hahas.
(ya. and did i mention that one of my collegues has a Worker's Party wallpaper on his iphone now?! yesh. he's like 22 yrs old?)
ok.
i want to vote but i'll be in HONG KONG on that day. ):
before i leave, i forgot to share with u guys....
i recieved 3 dreaded letters from LTA!!!!!
2 is due to my faulty ERP cashcard machine. and 1 is riding on bus lane.
seriously?!
so these are my appeals in which i honestly didn't lie (how proud of myself):
1) for the bus lane one.
"Hi,
i would like to make an appeal wtr to this offense that i have committed at new upp changi road btw bedok mrt station and bedok north ave 3 that took place on 29 march, 5:43pm.
If i remebered correctly, i remembered that on that day i wanted to turn in to the carpark on the left however, while on the lane beside the bus lane, there was a bus at the side/diagonally on the left of me. as i was afraid to miss the left turn into the carpark, i might have gone into the bus lane fearing that i would miss that left turn which i would have make one whole big round around bedok central to go back and make that same left turn.
i can't really remember the whole scenario exactly coz it happened a month ago and it was only tonight (28th april) that i opened my letterbox.
having said that, i am aware that there is are no excuses when offense are committed. however, i'm pretty sure that i am a law-abiding citizen who would not deliberately commit offenses for personal benefits unless its for a safety reason.
thus, i am apologetic and regret to have commit such an offense.
As i'm still a student working part-time, $130.00 is quite a hefty sum for me to fork out. Thus i am making this appeal and promise to not ride on bus lanes even if i have to miss my turns, and having to go through all this process again.
thank you for your kind understanding."
2) the ERP nonsense one.
"Hi,
i can't remember how many times this has happened to me already.
towards the end of last year, i remembered this happened to me in which i had to send my IU for inspection which i did.
the problem was rectified.
soon again (earlier this year), i realized that the problem re-surfaced. so, i went to the bike shop to get it checked and found out that because my bike battery had died, thus my bike didn't have enough power to power up the IU unit to allow the ERP to read the unit.
so when i changed my bike battery which cost med $36, it problem should have been solved. however, this wasn't the case as each time when i checked the AXS machines for any fines that i was unaware of, new fines kept re-surfacing.
because they were like $8 $10 ... i just paid the fines, and be more thrifty in my spending.
when i finally opened up my letter box tonight (28th april), its only then i really realize that it's always the case that the letter states that "i dont have a stored value card inserted properly" in the unit.
because i am not familiar of where ERP gantries are at in Singapore, most of the time when i ride, there will be a cashcard in my IU unit. and i always make sure that i'd hear a nice sounding 'beep' when the card's inserted in, instead of an annoying long "beeeeeep" when it's not inserted properly. in addition, i always carry a spare cash card if one of my cash card is faulty/ runs out of money.
Therefore, i am very sure that i have not make some mistakes.
Now that i am aware of this, i will be making a trip down to the Inspection centre, not to have my IU inspected, but to purchase a new one (probably by early May) because i am quite irritated by having to pay all these fines which can snowball to hundreds of dollars.
***
I'm not sure if these are the only 2 Notice Numbers that LTA has sent me. there may be more which i have either paid or have not paid. for those that i've made payments, to save the hassle, forget it. However, for those that I have not paid please do help to investigate and let me know if i have to produce any letter to prove the purchase of my new IU or whatsoever so that i do not have to keep paying the fines in which offenses i don't commit ! my bike number: FBB629C.
thank you for your kind understanding."
i'm a law abiding citizen ok!
offenses that i would commit are the parking once due to the nature of my job. (delivery to a place which involves less than 10mins at times?) or ok.. i admit... parking on pavements for convenience sake.
but i will never mess with ERP gantries and bus lanes and all. maybe illegal u-turns if i get lost?
hahhahahas.
ok. i'm not here to vomit out all my offences but just to clarify myself and serve some justice for myself pls.
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