rainy

w/o the fan on, i wanted to put on my jacket while in my warm home today.


searching for photos for CBC video. have a little bad feeling about e outcome of it. *cross fingers.

SIP report should be near completion, but i'm nowhere near.

saw many photos in the hardrive that doesn't help me in deleting u from my thoughts.
cheh cheh. haha.



sucha emo weather huh.


i feel like i'm a this fork of the road. for the past few nights, i had dreams nightmares. very practical things like.... having to dance pointe w/o my toe pads. (i think coz i lost one side of my toe pad during recital)... and yea.. can't think of others. highly super miscellaneous nightmares.

we all have a choice in life. where to go and how to go about responding to a certain situation. no one has the practical liberty to tell me how i should handle my life. maybe advice, but not heavily impose. i duno what prompt me to say this, but i just feel that at this time, maybe, i should really really really start priortising my life.

all the while, it was about honouring God and going with what i like to do. now, it has to be more of obedience in God and doing what i'm suppose to do.

like for example, if i were to choose to further in my studies, i'd choose NTU. it should not be because their touch team is strong, but more of because their strength of their areas in academics. or like NUS.. not because of their dance or bowling team, but also because of their academic reputation.


its not really a question of i-dont-know or what, but its really how-i-want myself to be.



i used to be very very very achievement-oriented. competitive, hunger for results. and most of the time, i would reach my goals and complete whatever task that i'd set my mind onto.

ever since i shared part of my hectic schedule with u, u taught me to appreciate the journey of achieving things. i became less intense and really enjoy the scenery of every good bad situation. i'm not sure if its a gd/bad thing, but now, i dont get the results that i'd want to get.

maybe there's this fine line between enjoyment and competition that i can't seem to step on. its like.... mutually exclusive. can't be tgt. well, gd thing is that i've learnt to accept fallbacks.
it's the 'what doesn't kill u makes u stronger' phrase that reminds me not to crumble like broken glasses at times.


haha. i really think its the weather that's making me say all these.



well. i hope to wake up. wake up from this la la land, mostly thinking that the world will always go in accordance to the expected. i should really start being focused on working harder and not let worthless things bother me. i guess sometimes, i just dont know what i really what.

to be a marian that's happy in whatever she does, or a marian that's good in whatever she does. can't have both worlds- have to get it clear because i'm not superman in any way. perhaps a tinge of confidence and self-esteem might just do magic. arh. heck.


now priority is to graduate from TP with rewards that i'd be proud of. (very very very tempted to also just do well in my sports also though. hah.) i'd just have to keep reminding myself to not give excues to rest. coz seriously, sometimes that short stop kills ur momentum to keep going. just like in a marathon. when u stop, lactic acid builds, and eventually instead of 'resting' u're wearing urself down.

so, its either u keep working and working hard to achieve the goal u've set for urself, or just finish it to give urself a good rest and not inbetween.




ok. i really dont know why i'm typing all these.