Hit-and-Run

cant get a more literal title than that. 
decided to do a post since this is the biggest bike accident i have to date by far. actually, i wouldn't call it an accident but to me, it just felt like an intentional hit and run. ok.. let me start.

it was 4th april, sunday night.
i had a good and smooth day. too good and smooth that towards the evening.. i was like.. how come today so good. too good to be true. the day before, it was shit coz... i had an accident. IKR.
ok to put things into perspective, i've been riding for 11+ yrs . i dont have any accidents. other than stupidly dropping my bike at carparks, i scrapped a side of a car before coz i accidentally hit the curb and the rebound hit the car ahhas (this one my bad); and had 3 self-skids. 1 at the bend at ecp coz i was riding under pressure from a car behind while the road was wet; 2nd was at this zebra crossing coz the bicycle signaled for me to go first... then i go, then he go wtf. so this one idk who in the wrong... coz based on traffic rules, i should give way to ppl using the pedestrians.. but he signaled for me to go while he stopped while he was on his bicycle but decided to go when i'm going. ok 3rd one was at Betong.. going in too fast into deep bend and my rear tyre hit a sand bed and just didnt have enough forward traction to keep the bike moving forward.

ok so 3rd april, was just heading out from my house cp. at the stop line, waiting for the on-coming traffic to clear before i can do a right turn, this car suddenly hit me from behind. like she totally didnt see me while i was on the slight right of the midline of the lane. the impact was enough to send my bike into the major road and i saw an oncoming blue taxi. my relfex was good enough to force me to turn my handle bar to the left while the taxi swerved out onto his right lane to avoid me. he didnt even have time to horn. thank God there wasn't any car on his right while i managed to get out of his way as well. also thank God i just cut my seat so both my legs could stabilize my light bike. i put my bike on side stand awhile to compose myself while the driver came out to apologize. she was super apologetic. i briefly checked my bike... i guess because of the build up of traffic, i was under abit of pressure so it seemed all ok and i just rode off without taking her plate no. and details. its probably something i regretted coz after a closer inspection while i parked at a safer place, i realized my rear fender was damaged. the center piece was broken and bent inward, rubbing on the rear tyre while the light cover was broken as well. other than that, my number plate was also bent. so yea, all my friends were saying that i shouldn't let her go.. probably could have asked for $100 to pay for damages or sent her the receipt for repairs. yea, so she got lucky, while i was just sian the whole day.

 

so the next day. 4th april 2021. was about 8.30pm while i was otw to my friend's house for dinner that was also near my house. at the junction of New Upp Changi Road, trying to make a right turn into Bedok South Road. its those major junctions with lotsa cars and big busses turning into bedok int. so as i inched out to look at the oncoming traffic, this white car was behind me, pressuring me to go. he probably cant see the oncoming traffic situation coz there was a bus in front narrowing his view. was quite annoyed but i just dun care... got no traffic then go what.

so after i made the turn in, i was on lane 2. he was pretty close to me from behind. i thought ok, nvm. then a new moments later, i could feel the car damn close to me. i turned my head slightly to look at where the stupid car was and just when could actually see the front of the car super close to me, i actually saw the car sweeping in to hit me on my right. the road was clear and i was riding in the middle of lane 2. so he was the in the middle of lane 1 and 2 and just decided to side swipe my bike. like FOR FCK. issit u purposely or u drink driver u fcker.

i saw myself falling down. i actually had time to think and try and look out for the car plate no, but i saw him cutting back out into lane 1 and speeding off; couldn't catch his plate no coz i was underneath my bike and sliding together lol. i was faced down and my bike was on top of me, thinking like when is this sliding gg to stop.  i didnt try to stop or break my fall coz instincts from rugby knows that the best thing to do is to go in with it. it was interesting that i wasn't in shock, just like my mind keep thinking what's the best thing to do, whats the best thing to do. 

so finally, my bike came to a stop. i needa to get up and go to the side of the road coz i scared on coming cars bang me. i crawled out of my motorcycle and got onto the pavement. then i looked at my bike.. it was like in the middle of lane 2 and 3. couldn't find one side of my shoe.

ok so i went to my bike and tried to lift it up. just then this passer-by came running towards me from the bus stop to help me bring it up and push my bike. my bike was in gear 4.. so it couldnt move. i tried to kick it to neutral gear but idky cant. by then my mind was trying to process alot of things. 2 more cars stopped by to help. another guy suggested to carry the bike.. hahas i was like.. eh no la.. just need to get it to neutral gear. the 3rd passer-by managed to get the bike to neutral gear then pushed it to the side. 

i felt so loved by random strangers. i couldn't process fast enough to know what was the next best thing to do. first thing i did was to text my friends that i can't make it for dinner coz i got into an accident lol; and then texted another biker friend. then the passerby1 asked me if i'm ok... i felt like super ok. adrenaline was my best friend then. then he said i was bleeding.. then i examined my wounds and like.. ok... hahah i'm injured. 

passedby2 asked passerby1 to call the police coz it he said that it's a hit-and-run.. must call police. at first i didnt want to make it a big commotion.. but i realized it's not as simple as it is ah. then passerby1 asked me if i needed an ambulance. i was like i think i'm fine.. but passerby2 say.. just call the ambulance coz i'm wounded. then passerby1 asked the location.. i was proud of myself that my brain was still functioning when i could  suggest to him to look at the bus stop number while the rest of them just said Bedok South Road. meanwhile, passer-by 3 was trying to control traffic abit. passer-by 1 then went to get my shoe that was stuck in my bike and my fallen cup that rolled another 20m down.

passerby2 gave me a box of tissue and a bottle of water to wash my wounds. probably in such situations, its nice to be a girl? coz they all really damn care and concern. they kept ensuring that everything is fine for now, just needa wait for police and ambulance and asked if there was any witness.

i told them confirm no witness coz when it happened, the road was clear and i only saw the white car speeding off after hitting me. can hear that the car was zheng one. passerby1 who was at the bus stop heard the crash and looked up only to see me skidding for 70m. 

he also helped me to find the contact number for my bike insurance reporting hotline.. but the first number was only avail during office hours. then he managed to find the NTUC orange force contact. but most of the procedures was on hold coz it was at night.

 

 

ok within 5 mins, the TP came. he was also v nice. he asked if i'm ok and if i'm able to stand and all. i was fully functioning. i looked at my injuries but didnt want to register them since no pain mah. he took down some of my statement first before a 2nd TP came.

soon the ambulance came. then like.. the gravity of the situation was starting to sink in with all the blue and red lights flashing.

like ok, i thought just rest awhile, clean up and continue to ride to my destination or smth. 

lol. not happening.

the passerbys stayed until the ambulance came. i thanked them and was very grateful for them to imposing their time like that. i think it was about 30mins or smth. was starting to lose track of time also. i feel like buying them coffee one day or smth, but didnt exchange contact. 

then the paramedics cleaned my wounds. was actually not that bad. maybe my body was still in shock so the adrenaline was my best friend? haha. my mind was calm but i could see my hands shaking. then i also had to decide what's the next step to do. should i go to the hospital? what about the bike? to hand over to TP for investigation? night tow? or find a way to bring it to the nearest cp then tow next day? to workshop? need to retain for insurance? wah. damn noob at this.

first thing is, i didn't want to go to the hospital. another bad choice coz based on my friends' experiences, they say i should have gone to A&E. then also i didnt't want to spend on night towing coz its more ex and really there was no hurry. but i couldnt leave my bike on the road also. the motorbike was able to start and the engine was all ok, but the handle bar was quite bad out of alignment. i considered riding home, but to go home, there's one major junction that i had to go through and to make a right turn. my bike can't do a right turn. but ok, i just decided to settle the ambulance first, then settle the TP, then give myself some time to think. by then my biker friend just arrived.

after all that's needed to be done, the ambulance left and while saying good-bye to the TP, i think i started crying. hahas i think i was fine, just that the walls came down after putting on a brave front for a period of time after a significantly traumatic incident? i didnt know what i need. probably just some time to cool it off.

then really to save money, i didnt want to night tow. so i tried riding, at least to the major junction then see how. my friend was riding behind me with his hazard light on since the brake footrest on my right was also sheared off. then i reached the entrance of Panasonic factory. i told him i dont think me nor the bike can make it home, and then decided to ride to the nearest petrol station which was esso.. just a few hundred metres away.

decided to park there and leave it to tow the next day. 

after that my friend drove me back to put down my stuff then head went to the police station to make a report. waited pretty long. by then it was about 12am. thought like all's ok alrdy, can settle my wounds myself. but i think i might need a medical report. so i went home to change out into comfortable clothes and also too my airport pass and then headed down to T3 raffles. i was thinking if i should go CGH A&E.. but i think T3 would be easier for company claims?

oh yea. saw mother poon at home. tried to hide my wounds abit.. then i just told her.. 'oh i fell off my bike..'. i think b4 she let her thoughts run wild and get all worried i just say 'oh im gg raffles to get some supplies coz can claim.' hahahs so ya that part settled. 

of all my working pants, this is my fav pair and really sad to say bye bye to it. so yea. thank God i was wearing long pants and long sleeves if not i think there would be more suffering. 

ok thank God i saw the doctor, coz it was then i realized the severity of my injuries. i mean its not that bad, just that i needed to clean the wound real bad. but u see the white part.. its actually my fats. haahas. the white area is not as pain coz the nerves have died so i dont feel the pain lol. i guess my fats saved my knees too. ahhahhahs 

actually i should have gone to to the docs asap coz the wounds were very exposed. but yea.. i'm really glad that i didnt break anything and miraculously no sprain. supposed to get a tetanus jab but.. HENG OUT OF STOCK. hahhas i really hate injections so i'm glad to siam this one. what are the odds right. got 2 days MC coz the doc wants me to come back to change the dressing and review the wounds.

 

went home. by then was about 3am. i showered abit and realized for the whole day, i only had 1 packet of hello panda for lunch. i wasn't hungry, neither was my stomach growling. i also wasn't in any pain but just very miserable. before closing my eyes, i'm just glad to be on my bed, thinking about my bike being at the essos station, and where the fck the hit-runner went. 

next day situation...

woke up and called to tow my bike to my usual workshop. called the insurance guy to say i'm on MC so i'm able to do the insurance report when i'm done with my MC. 

then rested the whole day... b4 its time to bathe and change dressing.

changing the dressing was mad. the doc prescribed me some naproxen (painkillers).. i thought like ok la.. nvm. hero abit. dun think it'll be that bad. wah. then when i took out the dressing to bathe and wash it down... ooooohhhmaahhhgaawwdddd. i painnnnnnnnnnn until i can't scream. its like.. pain was so intense that i was seeing flashing lights. my stomach cringeeeeeeed and my screams were probably sent to the cillas in my stomach walls. i came out of the toilet feeling like i just ended some war. then i faster go take my painkillers and hope for the best coz i havent even started on my dressing change. 

ok ya, ahhas day 2 of injury so it's expected that there'd be alot of exudate. its good. realized that i'm spamming tissue paper, so i decided to use sanitary pad. hahas if Bear Grylls can use a condom to store water for drinking, i think using pad to store the blood is fine. in fact, that's the function of a pad anyway right whahas. but damn effective.

 

but yea. pain is temporary. but pain is real.

mother poon was lol-ing abit coz she just recovered from her burns recently. so she was like 'haha now got someone to use my box of medical stuff'. hahas ya. so actually thank God her insurance covered her... so the hospital gave her alot of Tegaderm to use. i wanted to use her duoderm coz raffles didnt have. so they used jelonet + gauze which is alittle harsher on the skin. looking at the wounds, i'm pretty glad that no infection. i'm also on anti-biotics. i wanted hydrocolloid, but they didnt have either. i dun think i'd wanna buy it coz its really too ex. 

so yea. went back 2 days later on Tues night. before that i went to my motorbike workshop to settle the insurance report. saw my fav ah chong and he gave me alot of assurance on the many things.

had dinner before going to the doc.

at the clinic, i told the nurse that i wanna remove the dressing on my own coz i'm trained to do this abit (ok this one abit legit. coz i'm a legit first aider, but more so, i had experience at the mission fields in northern Thailand). so quite shiok, they left me alone in the room and gave me all the supplies i need. like self-service buffet style. 

 

ahhahs. after removing, the doc came in. saw my fav doc! coz he's the guy who trust my medical knowledge and also knows what i need (in terms of stocking up supplies so i can self-diagnose at times hahahahs). he looked at me and lol. he usually damn chill kind. but he saw my wounds and like.. wah.. this one like deep abrasions ah. hahahahs and boomz. 15 days MC. he ask if i'd like to come back and change my dressings, but i told him i'm good on my own, just need the supplies. at first the nurse helped me packed 5 days worth of dressings. i damnn happy. coz no need to spend money liao. then whille checking out.. the other head nurse was like.. eh.. i think only pack 2 days worth coz if not their clinic not enough. sobbbzzz. but yea, the doc prescribed me stronger pain killers - Tramadol. i googled naproxen vs tramadol.. and hope that this painkiller can work its magic.

so as of today.. it's Day 5. have been diligently taking care of my wounds so that i can heal faster. the strong tramadol doesn't seem to help. i still feel pain. but i'm not sure if its a decreased pain. 

as of now, i'm just feeling like... i really dont deserve all these. all these pain and expenses. its really damn innocent ok. i'm praying hard for the driver to be caught. 1. so that i dont need to spend more money on my bike damages. as some of u guys know, i just got this bike less than a month ago and in good condition ok. 2. so that he can fcking learn his lesson and not drive recklessly. idk if it is intentional or not, but i think it is. idk if he has a driving license or not, but i just hope such a hazard can be removed from the traffic.

this is probably my biggest traffic accident for me, and i'm really thankful my injuries are superficial. like no need injury, nothing internal, no sprain nor the need to be warded or do physio. though the pain is really miserable, i hope this increases my pain threshold? i'm not looking forward to dressing change, but i wanna heal fast. i saw mother poon's leg and got really inspired to heal well.

ok in the midst of this, i think i still wanna thank God. with my 15 day of mc and cnpl, i'd be having 17 days of being at home.... macham like SHN. hahas. i dont think i've got such a length of time to do nothing at home in my life before. prior to this accident, my back was aching but i just didnt want to take mc and continued working. now that i'm home bound, i'm glad i can finally just rest and hopefully recover. but yea. from a i-dont-think-i-need-to-see-the-doc to a 15 day MC. guess i'm underestimating my injures / overestimating my capabilities in healing.

hhahas. the pain from my wounds is so intense that my back pain seems to be insignificant now. but yea, now that the wound is healing, i feel the back pain creeping in. i'm not sure if i should be worried coz its been about 2 months since my back is aching. i pulled it again 1 week ago and now the pain doesnt seem to be subsiding despite resting at home for the past 5 days. 

i also thank God for all my caring friends who showed me tlc. sorry to make u guys worry and feel sian abt this, but social media does give me some form of comfort unfortunately. i'm glad that i'm still quite positive abt this whole situation (but wrt finding the driver, i think its like 0.00001%). pls pray that the police can get a clear footage of the carplate number. its gg to be a week now and i think all hopes should be diminishing abit. 

but yea. the only 2 car-hit-me-and-not-my-fault-at-all accidents in 2 days, in 11 yrs of riding. lol.

i'm looking forward to recover and be back at work again. idky i miss work. maybe coz i'm not looking forward to see my reduction in this month's income. sighzzzzz. stupid driver. i really dont deserve thisssss. but ok. thankful. 

good night.

thanks for reading and hearing my rants and documentation. 

2020, we welcome 2021

hi. i'm back at religiously blogging my yr end post.

its 01 jan 2021, 1445hr now (backdating this post for documentation). 

raining heavily - the monsoon kinda rain

tbh, 2020 is a great year for me.

i can't rmbr anything significant, other than... I GRADUATED with 4.01. that 0.01 was very significant.

well, there's COVID-19. to me it was good coz with sch out of the picture, i had like so much time that i really didn't know what to do with it. it did felt empty because there was no rugby and all. i thought it could be my comeback year... but oh wells.

no travels. no Nepal.

i rushed graduation in 4.5 yrs so that i could just nice get my T4 after my auto T3 after 5 yrs of pass out. but in the end, all promotions ceased. so nothing really changed despite all the hardwork, rush and stress.

finally packed my room.

but my sis moved back in yr. so despite clearing out all the old stuff from my room, i moved back in my musical instruments and all. ahhahs

started baking for the first time.

baked cookies coz it was the easiest and nicest thing to eat.

COVID Phase 1 was probably the best time to escape from everything but just work. 

ok i dun feel like blogging now. may or may not edit this post laters.

started FP since no OT.

k1 is still treating me as non existent.

k2 miraculously msged me back

and on the day i'm talking with this other guy.

i dun feel like blogging my 'lovelife' now, but i'm just v happy being single and free. dont think i wanna give this up anytime soon.

hot soup

 Thought of blogging abit though its pretty late now and i've got morng shift tmr (or rather later).

ok. so yesterday night...mother poon was carrying a pot of hot soup and just as she ended her sentence " Beanie dont run around later i fall down ah.." then she really fell. omg. in such situations, ur brain processes things in slow mo details. i can rmbr vividly the moment she fell. the pot of hot soup slipped to the side, i saw her foot trip over the sofa, and she fell face down with the soup below her. she was in between the sofa and the table so her head didnt hit the corner of the table hard, but the hot soup was all over her front. i still rmbr her wailing and crying out loud. for a moment, i think my sis and i froze abit coz as she was falling down, i rmbr my sis and i couldn't do anything about it. my sis was holding her dog then, so it wasn't the dog that tripped her.

mother poon really had a bad start of the day to begin with. she accidentally cut her hand while cutting some meat, especially when she just sharpened the knife the day before. the blood kept oozing out and despite my experience with wounds from work and rugby, it was really a challenge to treat her nonstop bleeding wound. i had to add a folded tissue paper over the wound and tape it down as to mimic a pressing down pressure to stop the bleeding.

so back at the accident, when she fell, idky i had effected no physical actions to stop her fall. tbh, i think quite highly of myself when it comes to performing at such critical moments. i believe i have sufficient life experiences and intrinsic life-saving motivation to have useful instincts to save / protect a life; further more, its my mother eh. but yea, i saw her on the floor over the soup, tunghoon, smashed up potato and tofu. i rmbr being almost shaken but i there's more practical things to do like to bring my mother to the bathroom and run tap water all over her. i think my sis had to also calm the dog and put her in the room so that she'll be out of this mess for awhile. the dog does sense what's going on. 

as i showered her, i think mother poon was in physical shock coz she was starting to calm down and started to peel off her falling skin. i asked her 'eh siao. not pain meh'. she said no. 2 reaons; either a full blown adrenaline rush, or her nerves might be erm.. severely affected. i choose to think its adrenaline and pray that it is. adding on, mother poon has a very high threshold of pain, owing to the fact that she suffered so much while giving birth to me, specifically. she's didnt have so much probs when she had my sis.

i asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital.. she said its ok. then i was like, 'mummy, i dont think this is gg to be simple', as i continue to nag at her to not peel the falling skins off her chest and knee. as i took a closer look at her kness, it was like both her knees were like 2 big while oval patches. with my rugby astro and bike road burns, i knew this is not gg to be as easy as it seems. as with burns, it always look fine until like a few hours later and u'll realize the extent of the damage the next day and hell awaits you the following week.

after about 10mins running through water, i told my sis, i think u better make her go to the hospital. at least a&e coz i know this is gg to be serious. mother poon was still peeling off her skin, telling me to go clean up the soup and hall.... 'make sure that the cupboad dont kena the soup'. #mothers

in the end, its better than my sis send my mum to the hospital. they took grab go. ahha, i actually initially suggested to call an ambulance. looking back, that was really a not rational decision of me coz i know i could have evaluated more optimally. but yes, she went to cgh with my sis in grab. so i focused on cleaning off all the hot soup, and mopping the floor and kitchen. during the whole time, the dog was barking and u could tell that she was frantic and wanted to help or something. 

after i was semi-done with cleaning up the mess, i call one of my closer cousin ah hee to inform him. as i told him what happened, i rmbr my voice started shaking. u know the pre-breakdown kind of cry. i dont think i had enough space to feel sad about it, its more like, for once, i think i was very afraid. its like, u dont really know what exactly are you afraid of. i mean, i've alrdy assessed everything to the best of my knowledge and ability so i know i shouldn't worry that much bc it is not life threatening or anything though it is severe. i'm glad i managed to inform him properly, keeping my tone low. i hung up the phone, and focused on Beanies' barking. by then the floor was more or less clean enough for little animals to step around, so i went to my sis room to open the door. Beanie ran out and u could tell that she was frantically looking for my mum and sis. she ran to the kitch, then to my mum's room, then my sis' room, then came running to look at me with there 'where are they?' face. i said, 'beanie, they went to the hospital, everything is ok, they're not at home'. she paused awhile, then continue running to the kitchen, my mum's room and my sis' room and back to me again. i think it went on like this for about half an hour while i was sitting down and chill awhile.

i mopped the floor like 3 times, tried to clean everything to the best of my ability while sis updates me of the situation. so yea mother poon suffered 2nd deg burns to her chest, knees and finger, and was given a pain killer jab and another tetanus jab. it was about 9.30pm when it all happened. they came back by about 12.30am while i was eating the scrubs i picked up from the floor and put back into the pot lol. several reason i did it, 1. the floor is clean. 2. mother poon cooked the dish so hard so must eat. 3. all these happened, all the more i must eat this. 4. i love tunghoon, tofu, beef and potato. and guess what. mother poon being a mother, started to dry the clothes. (wtf?!) i was like.. eh wth. she was like 'no no must dry the clothes' crazy. idk if it was her way of distracting herself from the pain or what, but it really did seemed like nothing happen. 

ok so. the a&e bill cost $126. this is a new pcs of information. so if u go a&e for whatever reasons, whether u break a leg, have a fever or go through what mother poon went through, it's still $126.

so today, she had an appt to go back at 9.30am to change the dressing. for the first time (i think), mother poon was serious in confessing about the pain. she's ok, and pretty positive about it. but i think she's very very mentally tired from it. my sis was also tired. my sis and i are both the same. we dont show 'weakness' to the family. the ironic thing abt our family is that though we're all very frank and just speak our minds, we never show sadness or weakness. we show tlc in more legit and tangible actions. we just dont say hearts and flowers.

so was we waited to collect the meds, i looked at mother poon when she's not looking. i looked at her super bandaged up knees, her worn out face and in her loose pyjamas sitting at cgh. i felt abit... idk how to put it. its like, unfilial. coz so old alrdy the mother poon have to go through all these pain. this kind of burn pain ah.. the first week is hell. i rmbr burning my arm coz it accidentally rubbed against one of the HP duct of the ac engine and it had a small blister.  its really a damn small... maybe like a 1.5" burnt length, no thicker than 0.3"... and it was freaking painful. i dun think i can imagine the pain mother poon is experiencing right now. some more she's like reaching 70? haiz. 

ok so. the bill today was almost $200 or smth. but with the merdeka discount, i paid about $76. she has another appt on fri to change the dressing again.. so i think its gg to be about that price. but seriously, as they changed the dressing, i could hear the nurses doing so through the curtains, and i think u can feel the little sounds that mother poon was making coz it was pain. it wasn't loud.. but if u pay attention to it, u know that it is really painful. even the nurse praised her for not crying out loud and all... but u know its more pain than what we can think it is. of course, mother poon being mother poon, still say 'this one (the pain) still ok... i give birth to my 2 daughters lagi pain ah'. hahas gee.

so yea. that's the episode.

actually there's more to blog about but i'm getting abit tired and i need to wake up in 3hrs for morng shift. ok, let me try and sum up the remaining highlights, also coz i think some of them are recurring issues.

one of the man highlight is that my sis moved back in.
the next major highlight is that Beanie, the dog has moved in too. i'm really not a dog lover, but she clings on to me alot though she's like a relatively scared dog. i still believe i'm not a dog lover, but i think Beanie is a little girl. i wanna blog more about my feelings and r/s with beanie just to document it down, but not tonight. ahhas.

other than that, COVID. still very much like this. not much activities. still thinking about studying. still packing my room. still not running not hitting the gym coz my excuse is that i need all the time to pack my room which is not 100% true coz when i'm home, i'm playing my phone games.

ok, lastly, my mental health. still missing thinking of you here and there.
still believing that i'm really happy and satisfied with my wellbeing like this.
but as some of u might know, studying has been my form of escapism. so w/o any studies now, i think i'm running out of outlets other than here. 
hmmm. also some persons have been msging me. they're all nice ppl. but i can sense my defensive walls which are invisible but there. i try not to think about anything, but i also know myself; though i would say not well enough. but the good thing is, thanks for k1 and k2, i know i'm practicing more self-love. perhaps being overprotective of myself, but i dont think its a bad thing. in any way, i just hope i dont lose my friends eventually, especially the special ones. idk what the best way to manage it now, but imo, its best to smother a spark than to allow even a warm fire.

i wish to blog more coz it feels like vomitting 3/4 out, but good night world. 

ending beginnings

Just feel like blogging now; and typing through my phone.

It seems that my heart has always been right about u. 

End aug, early sept is always gg to be slighty harder coz of ur bdays. 31 aug, 3 sept... i struggled abit with not msging u happy birthday, especially when the clock strucked 12 midnight. 'Hey, Happy Birthday' wasnt something easy bc i knew that u wanted me out forever while i just wanted to use this yearly opportunity to ask how are u, how's things, how's life and all.

I'm always reminded that he's always better off w/o me so i should try keep that distance that he wanted.

Ever since this covid, i havent seen u much at work coz of the timings, no ot, walking route changes and all. The months seemed longer especially knowing that u're still around, but somehow feeling abit bothered that our paths didnt cross. Honestly, i haven't been thinking alot about u because i'm busy just being happy. But recently, idky i started thinking about u. I dont even know if this is missing u or not coz i've alrdy resolved that part of my heart. But it just still feels that my heart is (quite unfortunately) connected to u. More uncannily, when mother poon was packing some baked potatoes for me to bring to work, she suddenly rhetorically asked "kh at ur work right". I was caught off guarded coz its been years and just out of the blue, mother poon had to mention his name. But i replied, "no, diff dept.. dont see him at all. Duno where he go now".

So today was all rainy and all and i was missing (issit) or just thinking of u abit more. Watched back some of the vids of the trips we did tgr and all... then over lunch, one of my cols spoke to me abt u. It was damn random... like as if they had this antenna to detect tt i was thinking of u and all. One of them worked with u in cmu b4 so he was like speaking good things abt u. Of course, i cant help feeling secretly proud of u, but i always had to arrive to this topic of "we didnt work out because of our differences".

Actually till this day, i'm not sure if it's coz of our differences or issit coz of our strikingly similar similarities. (Haha sorry for that double word and lacking in vocab) but yea. The thing that lingers around my heart is actually those moments when we werent actually together yet. I wouldn't call it honeymoon period because it was something deeper than that. We had this mutual understanding of each other heart's struggles, while in our own places. We conversed about deep heart strings and just felt that warm comfort from each other even sometimes w/o words of comfort - at least for me uh. Its seems like after 3 yrs now, the good times we had as a couple werent really the moments that my heart treasured. It was those late-night-to-morng h2h talks at void decks and at the airport that i can fondly rmbr and treasure the most. Perhaps it was only then (b4 we 'got tgr') that i could be myself while u didnt have any expectations of me. 

Idky im still bringing all this up today. Oh ya! coz.. after so many months of not seeing u, today i freaking saw u just as i have been thinking more about lately. I was walking with my collegues then. I knew ur eyes caught mine and i knew u were trying to escape my gaze while trying to treat me as non-existent. (Well, it was a single head-on path where we couldn't siam.) I wanted to say hi or like lift my awkward hand to wave, but i could only managed a cowardly stare back to my phone coz i just didnt know how to cope with ur escaping gaze of indifference. But after u passed, my closer collegues looked at me and said "what sialll.. y so dao?" I could only say "idk sia... he whole day treat me as non-existent what can i do sia". Though it was a careless remark, i think i did meant for it to come out. I mean, they also realized what. He knew some of my collegues what.. but because he was too bz trying to ignore me, he ignored all my collegues as well, so the moment our paths literally crossed, the cold wind really blew right through us. Then my cols replied "u could have say hi what". Sounds so easy right. but within that 2 sec, so freaking much was going on inside that eeverything other then my mental and heart processor froze. i guess this is always y im blogging rn coz, this is bothering me rn bc of the fact that I suddenly saw a physical you especially when i've been thinking more of u lately.

At night i really wanted to text u like 'hey, saw u today.. hope everything's well'. But when i clicked on ur name on WA, i am reminded that my text will go unreplied. I wasnt afraid of rejection, but i just dont want to go invading ur space and add on to the hatred u alrdy have for me. After much thinking, i am also reminded by what k2 taught me - to respect myself and my dignity and to have more self-love pls. But then the argument back is coz i just want u back as my friend coz i really love and cherish the friendship we once had. And then, the final arguement back is the fact that he doesnt want you anymore. With that, i cant really carry on the justification coz it was a clear getoutofhislife pls.

Sighs. Duno issit i care for u or just self-proclaim kind-hearted by nature, but i just have this compelling feeling that u need someone to talk to. But in any case, i dont think i can be in that position coz u dont want to have anything to do with me anyway.

But one thing i'm clear is that i'm really enjoying the happiness and freedom i have right now. Not only am i not looking for anything with anyone; i wouldnt call it defensive but, i'm just not letting anyone come close coz i dont want to go through all those episodes again.

With Covid and all now, it can really be quite depressing when there's no rugby / touch / bowling / climbing activities esp when im finally done with sch. Im really considering taking up a Masters just to kill time since i dont think we can travel so freely within the next 2 yrs. It's really depressing coz i've saved my leaves for 2020 and bought a down jacket for nepal. Haha just 2 days ago, while packing my room (ya i'm still on it. Hahah), i came across my backpacking backpack. All the feels. So i took it out of the plastic bag and carried it for the next half an hour as i continued packing my room. Lol. Wth siol. But ya, i really miss travelling and especially the mountains. Quite badly.

Ok ya. Idky but juz now.. mother poon was like "where's kelvin? Tt time the boy came over to the house only 1 time then never see him liao. Can tell he like my food." Issit all mother and daughter the heart got connection one issit (pls read this line in CAPS and in the most singlish manner). I know mother poon cant wait to be grandma uh, but i think she could stop mentioning all these names lol. But ya, i just replied her "eh that one only friend la, u think all the boys all i dating one ah". True what. Well, he's just another reminder for me to love myself more and that I deserve better. Not all guys who treat u nice are keepers because most guys have ulterior motives. And as a girl with a softer (i think this is scientifically proven) heart, u'd always sometimes fall into their trap, sometimes even w/o knowing, thinking that everything is true. 

There were a few moments too that i think of k2. But the difference is that the more i think of him, the more i am reminded how easy it is to be blinded by what we feel as 'love'. I am reminded that anything u love can be lost. Kind gestures or loving words should never be equated to love. Love is a test of time, struggles, loyalty, and all those good things that makes a person keep his promises of standing by even in the storms. Love doesnt mean that all u feel is goodnes and warmth, its much more than that, but the irony is that, it is as simple as knowing that u'll still see that person at home even though sometimes u just want to run away from it. Haha. But what do i know? I end up losing the ppl i love the most anyway. K2 also help me realized like the departure of my dad did leave an untraceable impact that tangled up my heart wires. Perhaps its a scar that can never heal, but only waiting to be embraced by faith; but in any ways, I don't think i'd want to risk anymore precious friendships. 

I really miss having someone real to talk shallow and deep while having 0 worries about losing them. I miss estee. Hence the closest thing i have now is blogger and twitter when i need to explode on the go. Hahahas. So yes, i'm always thankful for this outlet, as it makes me feel that i'm heard even though i believe nobody reads this space any more since I've stopped blogging about good life events and experiences.

I just wanna pray for mother poon's health, my sis' happiness and for Covid-19 virus to miraculously disappear from the face of this earth entirely. I cannot afford to lose any of my family members anymore. Now it's back to just the 3 of us again. I know one day, ppl will have to go, but pls let it not be in the next 30 yrs or so. Its abit too much to ask, but i hope to stop subtly worrying about it everday.

Good night, world. :)

bye bye gugu

you know those dreadful late night calls... yea. so friday night close to 12am we received a call to go to the hospital coz his condition isn't looking good. gugu as been in the hospital for about 2 weeks out coz of a degenerating liver. he's 84 this year. so these few days, mother poon has been jumping at every phone pings. 

mother poon is the closest to gugu. he's the eldest brother and he takes care of her alot while they were kids so she's pretty close to him. like while in the hospital, because he wanted to go home, he never told his kids that he was feeling pain (from the needles and dialysis) but came real with my mother. so we gathered at the hospital at about 12.25am and that's when the doc, very randomly told us that "he just passed away at 11.47am" in chinese. we're all like stunned. coz though he wasn't in the best of health, he wasnt in any critical stage to just  go like that. it took quite awhile to process the information coz he wasn't in icu or anything. he just quietly left like that.

the whole feels just... so familiar.

it just hits me back to the time during my dad's passing. when i arrived at the hospital at such a late hour in the night, it just recalls the cold nights at the hospital while my dad was still breathing his last moments there. while walking to his ward, i can't help feeling the cold chills that i constantly had while in the hospital (at CGH back then). those emotional feelings were transcending those familiar and unpleasing familiar physical sensations. it was obvious that mother poon was worried, to a point that she looked lost and confused while making her way to the ward though she's been constantly visiting him over the past 2 weeks.

so when i heard those words "已经去世了", my heart crumbled, just a little. but it was enough to warrant some strength to hold it in. i couldnt or rather, didn't want to breakdown coz its the 'i need to be strong for mother poon' situation. i just didn't want to cry like that and make mother poon cry more. but deep down, i was about 60% sure that those tears that were being held back weren't new ones. they've resurfaced from those residing pits since my dad left. 

i just didn't like that feeling altogether. i felt that i wanted to msg someone. i just wanted some tlc or attention. i majorly thought of you, but i knew it wasn't right to communicate with you in any way. i almost felt lonely, but i was mentally more preoccupied with trying to close the valves of those tear ducts and trying to understand that i need to learn to deal with these moments that i'm actually seeking tlc and attention. it is in such moments that i'm being reminded that i'm alone and i just need to deal with it on my own. honestly, it wasn't thaaaaatttt difficult though. i guess it's also coz i'm on this route to self-improvement since the start of 2020. 

everything was pretty quick and somehow, 'fitted nicely' coz everything was over the weekend and the +1 public holiday on monday. he passed away on friday night, then sunday was national day and today was the cremation. due to COVID, funerals shouldnt be more than 3 days also. so yea. mother poon did well. i think also coz of social-distancing, ppl couldnt comfort mother poon by putting their arms around her and all, so i guess that helped in reducing all those tears that could potentially flow. but today during the cremation, i was just trying to focus more on a shaking mother poon who was just 1m away from me, who was trying to say her last goodbyes through the glass while trying to clear up the tears from her tears to get a better view. the fight to hold back the tears were still on-going. actually either looking at the coffin or mother poon also increased the tears pressure. so intermittently, i was just erm, trying to focus on the architecture of the cremation viewing hall at Mandai and all.

actually nowadays, it's really alot better now. i just saw the coffin, being transported into another room and the door closed - all electronically with no manual inputs. that's also when i recalled that last clear distinct image i had of my dad. my dad's cremation was in Mt Vernon. back in 2004, it was damn bloody manual. i still rmbr 2 guys in polo tees, pushing my dad in a coffin into the flames. its not like a damn big burning flame or what, but u can see those little sparks and flames coming out of the enclosure. then when the coffin went in, the size of those escaping sparks and flames increased and more visual. those intense feeling of pain is still pretty much vivid even though 16 yrs (oh wow) have passed alrdy. its' not something u can just forget and let go. my lim peh was in that coffin eh. 

but yea, now it's all so... peaceful, so automated that it gives a sense that oh-everything-happens-like this-anyways.

everyone's feeling more or less fine. i mean, i guess its more 'accepting' coz its an 85 yo man. (as compared to my 61 yo dad). for me, it's just weird coz its always 'lets go gugu's house'. he's always the pivotal part of my mother's side of the family. every part of our chinese family tradition / culture had him around also, so i guess the next few cny would be abit empty abit.

happy birthday singapore.

abit sad that i couldnt celebrate this yr's national day, especially coz it's so unique this yr, and i also didn't have much time to get myself updated via social media also. but i'm glad i managed to take this shot while at work on sat. i took sat and monday off to accompany mother poon, so i was able to go to work on sunday. so i'm also damn happy that i manged to catch the fly past abit. work was good coz it took my mind off alittle.

so yea. 7 aug has passed and i'm also supposed to get my T3 now. but since all promotions and upgradings have ceased,  nothing much has changed. wanted to blog abit more about these few months... like what i've been doing / thinking while painstaking (still) clearing up my room, but i'm really tired now coz i ton the night with mother poon at the void deck of bukit ho swee last night. saw my (ex?) bil coz he came to visit / pick my sis up also.  whole time thinking about the what-ifs. like what if u're still with me - would u acc me? what would u say to me? what would i say to you.... etc. and also coz of all the social distancing / shift timing changes due to company's measures, i havent seen u for the longest time. i can't say i miss you, but i just wanna see u for a while coz it feels too damn long as i'm still trying to learn the skill of rmrbing that i'm supposed to be non-existent to you too. 

anyway, to end off (coz my eye lids are literally closing), all's good. life's been kind, you're still (imaginary) there in soft copy. there's still many things i'd like to blog about, but we'll leave it for next time. gd night and thanks for accompany me while reading this. 

Elected or elated?

this is (hopefully) gonna be pretty brief.
but with all the subtle rage, maybe not.
GE2020 rallying ongoing now till 10th july which is polling day. i dont really want to follow so much, so i'm just getting my feeds through forwarded whatsapp msges, ig memes, channel 8 news; and occassionaly CNA mobile news.

one thing that triggered me was something that mr heng (my grc PAP guy said, which i saw on channel 8 news). I actually cant believe that mr Heng said that if opposition takes up more seats, "other countries will see Singapore as a divided country"; "what will they think?".
perhaps what other countries think of Singapore is important to our economy, but honestly mr heng,  what is it that you think that they will think? will their thinking be as primitive as yours? how can u even say, or rather, prioritize such things in the priorities that you are fighting for? i dont quite get it.
are you instilling unnecessary fear? what kind of culture is this? what is democracy? what is having another voice in a common setting towards a common goal? this is really utterly disappointing because this is really a very wrong way of educating a nation to be adaptable and think ahead; especially when the majority of the aging population on Singapore is faithful and wants to remain loyal to the government in which PAP is the majority before it being dissolved for this election.

i guess in my generation of peers, we're all being brought up in 'transition'. though our social studies textbooks are can be pretty much propaganda stuff because it is certainly true that our late beloved MM LKY was from PAP and w/o this constituency, Singapore wouldn't be what we are today. we're taught to be thankful; and we're grateful for the foundations that forefathers laid for us.
parallel to those teachings, we're also a generation that is being taught to think out of the box - to problem solve, to troubleshoot, to adapt, to work hard and improve for ourselves; and for the nation. though it's with all that, we're still pretty much a respectful bunch that still follows 'the norm' since 'the norm is good'; at least that is what i believed i've learnt through my formative years.
idk what's in the education system now, but in general, we do see the younger folks of our nation growing up through social media. they're taught to be expressive, to fight for what they think is right, to be creative; and voice out whatever they think that can challenge norm. everything's gonna be about challenging the norm to be better. even if it means to fail, at least, lessons can be learnt - that's my perception of the younger generation for now.

i'm still triggered by what he said even after blogging it out. hahas
honestly, i had higher hopes for PAP. i do think that some of the policies are great for Singaporeans, however, there are many other minuscule areas that transcends to bigger problems that the society is facing now, especially as home-grown Singaporeans.
I'm not one who's easily won over; neither am i biased towards any parties. I'm for rationale individuals who has a clear view of the issues from all perspectives while working tgr to make Singapore a better place for Singaporeans, even for whoever who lives here momentarily.
in a sports team, a competitive team can only move as fast as the weakest player. however in a country, a country can still progress on, leaving the weaker players trailing behind because it is only the front runner that is only more visible in front of other nations that 'should matter' in terms of GDP and growth.  but is that what we really want for our country?
i'm still trying to be neutral and maintain a very rationale view, but through all these flashes of speeches as shown on channel 8, it seems like the PAP is very defensive. in my opinion, while some of the opposition parties are pretty much focused on fighting to push out policies for the welfare of the people, the PAP is just trying to defend their stand - on what they have done and who we should be voting for. u know, its really easy for them because as mentioned early, MM LKY is like a father to us all, even more so for those who have live through his blood, sweat and tears. The older folks of Singapore is going to vote out of loyalty, out of gratitude, out of faith and belief that the PAP has always been faithful as well. I'm not saying they are not going to work hard again for the next decade, but with such concentration of undiluted views, the heat just wears off, like a metal that becomes cold and after sometime, it becomes brittle and every little thing falls through those unseen cracks.\

there's one particular candidate that really really stood out because of his mind and heart.

hahas i dont have emojis on my keyboard, but i had to google: 😍😍😍😍😍😍.

this guy is so charming. hahas. #fangirlmode. i caught a few glimpse of his interviews and noticed that he was someone outstanding (not just referring to his crazy resume and work experiences). but after watching his debate further.... omg. my heart. we need such ppl in the parliment for sure. the things he say and how he can portray his heart and mind into words is amazing. its like, he can really sum up the stuff that i'm trying to say. its like, though he's an opposition to PAP, it seems like he doesn't 'oppose' them upfront, but its more like trying to ensure that everyone, including both the PAP and opposition works for the people of Singapore and nothing (culture or social norms) should take that spirit away from the parliament.

really, i'm still trying not to get too mentally involved in the politics, but the things both sides are saying are just very thought-provoking. i think this GE is very much different from other years. perhaps its also coz i'm more grown up and more 'in the workforce' that the govt policies seem to be affecting me much more because of all the monetary issues. i mean, with COVID-19 and all, the rallying and deliveries of ideas are all very different and to me, somewhat more challenging because of the fact that 'airtime' is very much limited. trying to trail social media footprints vs actually setting your foot down in front of the stage of a candidate speaking at a rally is truly different.

so now, what if the 'norm' wins again; but instead of a big win, its those like 52-48 kind. do you have that confidence to fight for the 'half-hearted' nation? are you able to keep the faith even after that drop in loyalty. however, if the opposition wins by that margin, i'm pretty sure it'll be a booster morale to keep their promises since its never easy challenging the norm. the road is not going to be easy and everyone knows that. 

i want to be faithful, i want to 饮水思源 like how Dr Jamus describes it in his fluent Chinese as well, but its really difficult when not only does it seems like your confidence is shaken, it does seem like everything's being very distracted (both referring to the people and policies). i just think this GE is almost gg to be a paradox, minus those that remain steadfast and focused.


to be clear, i'm neither siding the PAP or WP or any oppotion party in this post.
i'm just disappointed with what mr heng said, and very inspired by what Dr. Jamus said. Mr. Vivian Balakrishnan also handled the debate really well and it was really very proud to watch the both of them speak at the debate. its like, if they're representing Singapore on the world stage, i'd be so so proud.
there's one post  (i can't find it) that actually said that our way of GE-ing is quite flawed because of the fact that we're only able to vote for the groups of people in our own GRCs (something like that) through his year's rally, i personally think that we should be able to vote for individuals across. its like, in a group, i have ppl that i either strongly like, strongly dislike or remain neutral; regarding if i'd like for them to fight for Singaporeans in parliment. so, i dont like the idea that i have to vote for only either one of the 2 groups that are fighting for the grc that i'm in; as compared if i can vote for individuals.


ok, i really duno know how all this whole political thing should be played,  but i just wish that the views in the parliament can be more evenly spread out and not like, everything policy can just roll out like that. i still have much to say... oh yes.. Nadia is running for election! she's my sec sch junior and my prefect junior who became the vice-head (or issit head) prefect as well. she's always been into leadership and speaking up.. so i'm really proud that she's been giving back to the community ever since her early years too.

"Simple in Virtue, Steadfast in duty."

that is my CHIJ school motto and it's something that is embedded in my life.

btw, COVID-19 is still very much an issue, so to me, opening up to phase 2, 2 weeks before polling day is just... idk. let's just try to assume that it's a coincidence. but i believe community spread is going to increase with all these rallying and door-to-door visitis. what's with the max5pplinagroup rule when u see that ppl on tv are all clustering around with unknown ppl and all. alrdy, when interviewing one candidate for the news, u see like so many mics at the bottom of the screen. am i supposed to believe that everyone is using like a very long monopod so that the journalist can keep that social distancing? i seee some photographers using 16-35mm or 17-40m lens on a what i believe is a full-frame camera. issit whole-day wide angle shot ah? dun bluff me la. the unseen video guys also. so pls ah, who's gonna catch all the ppl that's not practicing social distancing.. so issit like its only after polling day, that the community spread is gg to be severe enough to go back to our safe phase 1? ok, i'm not saying phase 1 is good for Sg's economy, but look at the priorities vs what we've been preaching for the past 4 months now.
clearly, it all just shows that the media plays a big part in our thoughts and the best governors of our thoughts should only be ourselves because everything and everyone has their own agendas which may not be the best for urself.



--

onto a side note, other than enjoying the freedom that i'm having now, though i have no inspiration / motivation to meet any friends, i do miss having perplexing conversations with ex-important individuals in my life.

i'm actually looking at masters programmes, but i keep telling myself to stop reading up and dreaming about it for now because someone once told me that i should be less selfish, and spend more time with the ppl who love me. yea.

and ya, i'm still packing our my room and sorting out my life's mess, literally.

i made it by 0.01!!

jang jang jang! results came out on 17 June and I MADE IT!!!!!!! i got my 2nd upp by 0.01!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  some of you guys know that the fight was real man. if i had 1 A-, i'd grad with 3.98. 

in this final sem, EAS499 is the capstone FYP and for the last 2 cohorts, the highest was A-. ICT133 and ICT162 are python mods. i had 0 prog knowledge to begin with and students have trouble clearing ICT133. So initially, i was just aiming to pass it or smth. it was really all out or nothing.

at first i was like.. ok, just try my best for my FYP, then we see how the programming mods go.

then after my TMA submissions and results, i realized, eh, actually can fight for A eh. then left with capstone. coz to get A is really almost impossible. wah. i really got ppl from the industry to support my fyp and i really pushed it max. the vid presentation do until power power.. edit until like better than my travel vlogs. hahahas 

so after both the exams and capstone presentation, i felt like ok.... good job sportspoon. even if i dont get my 2nd upp, its ok. coz i really gave my ultimate best so if really have to 3.98, u can regret about your situation and not about ur efforts. hahahahs. i mean i think if i didnt' fail Analogue in yr 1, my GPA will be 4.13, and i wouldnt need to fight until like this for this final sem.

the night before 17 June, i was damn apprehensive. i kept checking my email, in case they send early or smth. hahah. u know its like, sometimes u put in so much effort ah, u know that it's gg to turn out well kind. even if it doesn't turn out well, u know that u're gg to be proud of the effort u've put in kind. this is just so so so great. its been awhile since i'm this happy. and if you can see below, other than the first sem, i'm always below 4.0. 

so yea. what's even more surprising is i got A+ for python OOP. wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. from struggling to pass to this. but i really practiced the lab 2-3 times each. i even crashed other tutorials online lect just to see other ways of programming a qns. also thanks to COVID and CB period, i was at home all day coding. no trngs or distractions or whatsoeva. i even had abit of night time to watch netflix. ahahhs


so really, thank God! its really by God's grace. i mean the prog mods are really by sheer effort. but the capstone project ah... its really by His Grace. this kind of open ended qns ah... want to score A is u really need that bit of grace. but this is really alot of grace.

i'm so happy until now like i'm scared abit coz everytime i'm happy, something's gg to happen.. or like taken away from me.  hmm. one of the disappointing note is that i realized, i forgot to apply my moe bursary for this Jan semester. i applied for this coming Jul sem, thinking that it was for the Jan sem. so its about $1k gone. govt also changed this from the former $675 to $1280..... from moe bursary to aka Higher Education Bursary. wasted uh. like if only this amount is like this in year 1. could have saved so much money. but yea. thank God the money struggles are over too. no more sch fees to pay after grad.


recently, i've also been thinking about u more again. i wonder how are u.. or like would u be proud of me and all. mehhhhhhhhhhhhh. but the good thing is, this year round, i really feel that i've moved out of the darkest pits. i'm fine with those memories and missingyous coz they dont haunt me like they did. they're just thoughts. good and bad thoughts that made me who i am today. i'm really proud of myself for coming this far coz i dont have to fear disappointing anyone. i'm enjoying this freedom and like, the only person who can look down on myself and no one else. :) its really a good year.

on a side note, we're in Phase 2 of CB now. and that means can makan outside. somemore, this wkend is father's day. lets just hope there's no phase 2 covid. pls continue to be kiasee ppl, bcoz i think that's one of the most effective reasons that singapore can do well in such pandemic.

okok byesssss. :)

annyeong, my name is 마리안

hi, my name is  마리안.
haha. wait, let me explain later.

haha. lol. ok. FYP presentation last thurs went really well.
in my life, i've never practiced for a presentation so seriously before. last time poly days, chiong report, and finish ppt slides like 10mins b4 presentation and then go in straight for presentaion with full on business attire infront of real-industry clients.

this time its not as 'scary', but i guess coz of my expectations, i unnecessarily added all the fears.
but really thank God for kind hearts. both my examiner and supervisor were really kind and gave good comments about my project. it really made me feel better about my project. though my project was applicable and able to solve some operational challenges, i felt like it lacked engineering depth. like i could do more. but over 2 sems, its not really possible. i think to sum up my project, i think its a good marketing project, and not a great engineering project

but yea, i'm very insecure when if comes to face-timing ppl. i've never done it with anyone other than with k1 when i was in montreal. so far for this CB period, i have also never vid call my face anyone much other than my sch mates while we're testing out zoom functions for the presentation. but seeing my capstone spvsr and my ex-bosses whom i invited got me excited and i didn't focus on my insecurities. i'm so happy tt they turned up to support me coz they're also aware of the ops issues at work and interested to see what i've got. i'm really very blessed. as u'd know, i hated my office job though it wasnt 100% deskbound. but what made the whole period so worthwhile was that i had good bosses and colleagues. i can't be more thankful than that esp it was my first left job after grad that time. i do miss them. but yea, hating my job > loving my colleagues and hence switched to a job that's job > pay. ok we'll leave this topic for the next time. ANYWAYS........


so then again, what makes a successful project?
maybe coz of my marketing roots, i feel like a project, whatever the subject, can only be good only if it is being marketed well. hahhas (i can feel all my poly lecturers cheering loudly to that.)
its like, if u have a great engineering idea, but u fail to meet the needs and demands nor create the latter, i think it's still useless. i mean if we're harsh enough to only focus on the results and not talk about learning journey and cliche stuff like that..... so in another words, i was really focusing on the results of my project. no doubt i did learn like mad esp about the programming part, but really, what's worth? the world really runs on needs and wants. that's why i think aviation is best. like if u know how a commercial aircaft really works; down to the rationale of how/why each component is being built, u'll really be amazed by how efficient it is. and here comes the irony again, the more efficient the component is, the more expensive it is even though if its a simple design.


i feel like life is just full or ironies.

during my sec sch time, the 'better' students all went to biz sch while those who didn't score that well goes to engineering sch.
scoring high GPAs in poly was easier for engrg students than biz students.
and and when it comes to uni level,  its so easy to get a business degree, but its really takes my blood and sweat to complete an engineering degree.
its like, anyone can get an MBA if they want to. but for a Engineer masters.. its really like ... can u or not?
then now, when it comes to work, at the lower level, engineers earn much more than those executives. but at the higher mgmt level, business ppl earns more overall.


i really dont like how all this economy work. ungrateful or what, but maybe i prefer to be in a communist country. i dun think i wanna elaborate on this, not because its a sensitive topic, but just coz it's not worth my time. but hor, that's y i love Singapore. i feel like we wanna be both. we want to be communist, but we want to be democratic. we want to have rules, but we also want to be flexible. to even try and sum it up, we're just kiasee and kiasu. and i think that's the best spirit to surive and thrive.


ok anyway, idk wth i'm talking about now. its sooo off my topic.

so yea, my title is my name in korean.
so after my final final final sch submission, i studdent feel that blank space in life.
i mean its not like dun have things to do. as mentioned in the last post, i have a long list.
but u know, all these years, my mind always had something. as in like, there's always an obligation to catch. one of the secret reason of doing this painful 2nd degree in 2016, it is to keep my mind occupied. back then in 2014, i was on my 7th year of not moving on my first r/s. i wasn't super heatbroken or anything, but i felt like all these emotional mental thoughts should be channeled into something more productive. and i guess studying can also block out all those useless thoughts
so now, its 2020 alrdy. alot has changed mentally. i spent the prime of my youth studying instead of chionging my career and climb whatever ladder just to earn more money. sometimes i wanna say a regret, but in life, i never really can justify a feeling of regret coz i know in life, i am constantly giving my best whenever i can.

so yea. it's this blank space now.
no, its not an empty bottomless pit that i would have called it back then.
i dun think i should think about masters coz i know i'd wanna do it. but now, i should respect my youth abit more because the mountains have been calling.

its Saturday today, 3 days past. and other than working, i've just been watching korean dramas and cooking my meals and laze around. i dont think its a life that i'd like to get used to.
oh. there's one thing. i'm back in main shift at work. FINALLY. so nobody can throw the 'you study shift what' excuse. HAH. #inyourfacebitches. ahahha. just needed to get that out.
and other than that, i'm happy like now, i can work more freely. as in like, i dont have to worry about trying to conserve energy so that i have enough energy to go to sch or go and study.
idk how to describe this feeling, but its like, i can finally just give all out and like, enjoy my work like that. although now i'm really starting to detest my pay sourly, i'm just embracing every moment though now, coz of COVID-19, the work scope has changed. ;( all these preservation work and very little component changes just makes me ugghhhhhhhh. but ok, at least no emails. hah.

ok so yea. sorry for sidetrackking abit.
other than writing my resume here and there, i'm learning korean online. ahhahs
no serious reason to that. i just want to watch my korean dramas more effectively. and once i can like understand it, i can like watch a korean drama while doing something other than reading the subtitles. ahhahs


but to end off well again, i can really feel myself getting better. i think i'm referring to my mental state. i'm not saying i'm indestructible, but i feel like instead of building all these walls and fences, i'm not building them anymore. ok wait, let me clarify that. the walls are still there, but i've stopped building them. yea. it makes a difference if u really scrutinize it metaphorically. i'm really happy right now. as in, i feel that carefree-ness. in life, i dont think anyone can forget anyone for good and bad; neither can i say that i dont miss anyway. occasionally, i still think of the special persons that have come and go. i still think abt ur graduations. like how are u doing in life. what are the exciting plans u have ahead. but those are just passing thoughts and they are no longer trade-offs to my happy thoughts. i can now say that all those thoughts and memories dont haunt me as much as a did now.
perhaps coz now i'm just flooded with the joy of finishing sch that i dont dwell on the negative thoughts, but hope that this mindset will be like this.

other than all these personal growth, i want to give back to the sch. not really to the organization kinda thing, but i wanna help year 1s and 2s. not in any personal way, but i hope lost students can be smarter in their subject selections each sem. i hope that they can meet like-minded ppl throughout their studying like how i got my studying squad fighting tgr with me.
maybe over the next few days, i can spend some time thinking about how the BEHAS course structure can be improved and how the sch systems can be revised to help students cope with working and studying at the same time.


lastly, all in all, instead of just moving on from my past, i can finally sail into improving myself as a better person. i thank God for carrying me through those darkest times. i will never forget how God can 'appear' or rather, have His presence felt even though when i'm so so distant with a heat that's not just right in any place. i hope more ppl can know and believe this faith. i'm not very strong with Biblical stuff, but that's the thing about this 'religion'. u know, some ppl always say like 'christian is not a religion' and then all the anti-christians will be like 'oh yea right'. but to me ah, really, i like how 'unreligionly' i can feel about my walk with God. its always peaceful to know that God loves me no matter what. dont get me wrong, i'm not like ungrateful or taking things for granted... maybe i just hope that more ppl can know 'the God' as how i know my God.


haha guess i'll be blogging more often?
so many things to say. so many good and bad things to share but i dun have anyone to share with. no, not complaining. actually more happy than feeling the loneliness that should tie in with being alone. just thankful and grateful. despite COVID-19 and no Nepal this year, i still know that 2020 is gg to be a good year after all these years. :)