the coupled weekend

not sure what to put for the title for the post today.


been sick with URTI.
the flu's mad and cough's persistent.
the workload never seems to end and monday's gonna be quite a workday.



left the office at a miserable time of 9.30pm with the flu, cough and fever... and headed down the devon's bday surprise / asian champs debrief at dan's place.
was freakin tired, but nonetheless, the h2h session were nice and its so rare that teammates can come tgt this close likka family. really must treasure all these and work on it while we're at it.
and i got home at about 330am!

finally could catch up on my sleep debt though it was short lived.
11am, woke up and realized that i've gotta rush out the club's interviews for the blog and newsletter. couldn't finish in time coz i had to head down to church by 1.30pm for worship prac.
been soooo long since i've played the guitar with the band and quite disappointing. tmr it'll finally the be the first time i'm gonna be playing for Service since last year.  so i hope no screw ups!

and off to pasir ris for Surya's wedding!

best couple. Samir reminds me of some singer who has cut a record-breaking single album. hhahas

and malay weddings at voiddecks never fail to amaze me. the decos are just so awesome. 

and this was the baju kurung i got which makes me look likka waitress at some atas shangi hotel restaurant. but it has some chinese culture to it... once i've got the money, i'm gonna get one peranakan kebaya coz at least its stands for who i am. (: 

quite sad that most of the teammates weren't around at the same time for a team photo. but nonetheless, it was funnn. (:

i wish her all the best and still kinda excited for her as she moves into the next phase of her life.

got home, and finally off to dinner with mother poon and chenxi.
and now its like 1:30 am.
just done with the newsletter and interviews.
havent practiced the songs
and yes, one last impt thing..
i actually BROUGHT HOME work to do. tmd. first wk nia, brought home work. zhun boh.



tmr gotta be in church by 9am and after that i needa go get shoes for monday before i can go for the big meeting. i dun think i should go trng tmr since i'm still not feeling well and i gotta get work done on a SUNDAY.





so much for the wkend and its hello monday again.
this is too crazy.
and its giving me more drive to get out of the whole office life.







and this vid is from a HK drama and i freaking feeel it.
so much that i bothered to whip out my camera and take a vid of it for that whole segment.
if i were to extract all the eng subtitles and put it here, u would probably think that its a post originally by me. ahhahahas.

but yes. words of wisdom, coming from some HK drama.
#truestory.

first steps first

wah. hello and its thursday!

sucha week for me.
its a big leap of faith towards the start of my career in the aviation industy.

there's really lotsa interesting things i wanna share with u guys right now but i'm down with a heavyyy flu and i'm reallly tired. but let's go! since i'm still excited. hahas.


apart from my main job for now, i've also helped out with another part time job that does exterior cleaning and polishing of jets. its ad-hoc basis, no commitment needed, so i should be able to manage that.


and so monday was the start of 2 jobs for me.
for mon and tues, after work, been gg down to seletar to clean and polish jets! ahahas
but i must say, it was v tiring. 8am -5.30pm. then 6pm -2am. and then again for the next day. and the next day. by then, i've clocked in 50 hrs of work officially over 3 days.
didn't even play 1 round of candycrush or anything. was focused and i've really learn alot, exponentially over these few days.


u should have seen the high level standard of cleaning man. every speck of dirt. even those at the belly of the fuselage and landing gear. and it was sheer hard work.
i knew i wanted to work not just because of i'm literally getting my hands on the plane, but i needed to get my mind off things that have been bothering me so much lately. and really, i guessed it helped.
in moments that i was reallllly tired, i realized it was different when i'm with planes coz i've never thought of giving up. and it further affirmed me that this is the kind of place i wanna be in.

each time i thought of taking a break, i looked at my focused collegues and continued on. they're really a bunch of nice ppl and the boss even bought us dinner on both nights! (: just look at the freakishly shiny leading edge. 

probably shinier than my room mirror.

some places were really tough to clean coz we needed to look up, bend down and all. backached, fingers were sore and all. some of the guys have blisters on their hands too coz of the machined polisher. 

but yea, it taught me to be patience and really to give my best in everything that i do.

was polishing the window trimmings and there were moments when my thoughts were like "aiya, this spot so small, nvm la". but again, when i look at how my colleagues work, i just gotta suck it up.

after takining 7hrs to polish 24 window trimmings, looking at it shine was a moment. and i knew that if i had give in to those thoughts, though i would give myself an excuse that "aiya one time only", i can be sure that there will be more such times that i would do that.

and so. 

onto my normal job..

honestly i'm not clear of my job scope. ok, not just me but i think the HR and GM also duno.
its all because of.... ME. hahas
what i'm offered is the 1 yr training + 2 yr bond trainee prog. but i dun want coz i'm stubborn and want to bang on the doors of SIA. it was proposed that i go to cabin carpeting which is of a lower pay and all as compared to techs...i didn't mind coz its still abt airplanes.. but i guess when my resume reached the GM, he was kinda impressed as he saw that i was a degree holder and hence, suggested that i go and help out with the business side.
and so, to cut all the excitement short, i'm right now with some business development and management thing... and hopefully, once my airport pass is done, i can do other stuff! though its not clearly specified.


hahas.
so far so goood.
the culture is really harmless coz everyone is focused on contributing positively to the industry; very unlike the business industry where everyone is at each other's throat. maybe coz its only my first week and too early to say. hahas.  but i'm abit overwhelmed by how much they trust me with their work.
honestly, i do doubt my capability...not because i think i'm stupid or what, but there's so much unknown and for me to learn!


and the big boss is really nice. he allows me to wear polo and long pants to work. sometimes if feel abit awkward coz everyone around is in office wear. but i really dun intend to waste money on any. but i think i would need to digg out my presentation clothes during poly days if he brings me to meet clinets. hahahs. anyway, i think i should be able to not-shamelessly request for a set of uniform since i'm also with the technician side right. hwhahahas.

oh yea. and there's alot of excollegues from my previous OJT company! its quite nice to see them again. also, coz the company is very close with SIA, most of the ppl are subcons.
got to speak with some of the SIA engineers too. and ytd, there's this guy who came finding me after knowing that i'm his friend's daughter. he's gonna help me with my application too! (: feel so blessed. ahhas. slowly, i'm discovering more of my dad's circle of friends and i just very happy to be part of it. they are all really old ppl, but with ten thousand years of experience kind. so speaking to him really gives me alot of insights.


honestly, with what i'm doing right now, there's so much more opportunities as compared to being an engineer. i guess i'm still quite useful in some sense coz of all the marketing knowledge. but i rmbr ytd, around 11am, i was like.. its only 3rd day and i can't tahan office job alrdy. though its aviation-related, its still deskbound and i feel that its really a challenge to be focused and productive. kept drinking water and going to the toilet in an attempt to keep my limbs active. and u know, last night, i keep having severe cramps on my right calf. hahhas.
but yea, with what i'm expected to do now, i finally feel that my ppt and excel skills is finally put to good use after all these yrs. back in those yrs with sch presentations that reap no financial returns, this time is different. hahas. but right now, i'm still trying to figure out how to optimize MS Access. can die.









anyways. i'm really tired now.
4 days in a row. haven't been trng or running.  :/
maybe that's why i'm sick now.
my nose has been dripping all morng.. did all the planning and complicating cross referencing stuff with my spinning head, and i think i did well.



ok.
and lastly, u rmbr about the post about being upset about not being able to go church camp?
yea. if i went, all of these wont be happening.
coz last fri was the interview and i'm asked to start work on monday alrdy.

and so, when God closes one door, it opens another. in fact, many more.
and if He doesn't answer ur prayers, its not that He's not listening, but He's got something better installed for you. (: hahas
all these cliche phrases seems so real to me during these few weeks.






and so... the conclusion?
i honestly cannot decide as of now. i'm quite enjoying the tasks right now coz i'm finally able to put all those yrs of studying into good and useful use in terms of indirect financial growth for the company....and further more, i think the prospects are really looking too good to be true.. but if its deskbound, its really torturous.
as for the engineer goal, its quite set and not that easy to raise up the ladder. it would also mean another 2-3 yrs of trng and all before i can get certified to work on the planes. but i dun mind ah coz its really with the planes. just no office job for me until i'm like 60+ or smth.


ok. i'm gonna crash now.
nighty friends.

denv

.

my dad was young and he didn't had to leave.

i didn't know what i was doing today.

i ate expired packet noodles.

and got bitten by a mosquito 

and wished that it carried

DENV

and that you wouldn't be reading this space

.

my upset stomach

In and out, up and down the Main Electronics Bay External Access Door of a B747.

if only life's like that- we can enter and exit the chambers of our thought processes as and when we want to. 

a Saturday like none other.
the usual Touch scene is up in KL and so is the church peeps. its been long since i've had a no-plan saturday. brought mother poon out for lunch, then we went to walk around Bugis. dinner there. hanged out at coffeebean and all till 11pm.




my stomach was upset today. its not those cramps and its been long since i've got an upset stomach. perhaps in years.
i know my stomach is strong, being trained by the bacteria from food from the table / food from the village and all. hahas. so, for my stomach to be upset, i had to google out some cause of it.
ok. consciously, i know that i'm unexpectedly moody today and it might be the major contributing factor.
but i didnt know i'm thaaaaaaattt affected by whatever the reasons.
i dun think i'm denying it. yes i am affect, but idk the scale.




before i continue, i would like to add in a disclaimer to you who's going to be reading this: pls dun feel bad or guilt stricken or whatsoever ok. this is said not to really provide you with comfort for that matter, but i just dun want it to be another probable additional weight to whatever baggages u are carrying right now because i still care for u as a friend. period. just do me this favour. tyvm.





was just thinking about myself today.
perhaps i've met another me. a mirrored image of one who's got very similar thought processes as me.
after 23 yrs of my life, i'm pretty sure that i can be a perfectionist and i've recognized that long ago.
and so, being a perfectionist ties together with expectations right. and since its very common and logical that perfectionist face a great deal of disappointments because of the perfected expectation being set, i've long ago tried to make several adjustments to not be so OCD in that sense.

and so, it becomes a situation in which a perfectionist tries to perfect the art of not being a perfectionist.
does the irony make make sense?
and to fail that as a perfectionist, its hits back like a resounding gong.



today walking around with mother poon, i felt quite empty and soul-less. it was a wierd feeling because usually, with a known cause, its easier to deal with. but with a cause that's so ambiguous, it felts that i'm floating of air w/o a surface to stand on. hahas. not a ghost la.
i'm starting to think that mother poon has some psychic power or. though i dun think i've expressed any sorrow or what, (but just telling her that i've got an upset stomach), while we're chilling at coffeebean playing with our phones, she raaannndddooommly asked.. "how's u and D?" i was like... HUH. where did that come from?! and she went on telling me about his mother and all. i dun think both mothers have been keeping in contact since my mum hasn't been going to church... but this was too randomly APT ok. mother poon, its been 7 yrs and that's damn random.
bah.





anyway, after much thought while drifting, i guess i'm the cause of everything.
i dun mean to take up the full responsibility coz it takes 2 to tango, but i just feel that if i had been even more practical disciplined about my feelings, the outcome of it all may just be very different right from the very start.
then again, if i'm disciplined about my feelings, does that mean that it becomes constrained and to a point that it can be classified as untruthful?
this is sucha complex discussion that while typing lotsa ambiguous baseless solutions, i'm backspacing most of it, trying to restructuring, rephrase and re-search.


sometimes, if not, most of the time, i think i can understand what u are dealing with because i've dealt with those issues before, with my own worked out remedy that was proven successful - perhaps only for a period of time / or when the situation starts to bend and contorts itself.
in some points of the day, i felt that i've come up with great explanations for u, but i've lost it in dilution.


and because we do really have an exponential effect on each other, our emotions become very clear despite everything we've tried- be it to be truthful or to hide...and it just becomes very diffusing-ly clear.
i wouldn't stay that there's any cover-up for the both of us, but i might like to say that we might have an inability to identify our problems before we can work on solutions to solve it if there was ever one.






honestly, wrt relationships, i have no idea what i'm searching for and in fact, i dun think there's even a search going on.
its like i've abandoned my heartfelt feelings 7 yrs ago along with that ship that sank deep down w/o knowing the cause of it. investigations have proven to be futile. and i dun think NTSB can even be helpful.
and along the way, i've killed many hearts with a heart that can be so cold with a failed regulator.
probably, its not about not giving them a chance, but i think i've given up on giving myself a chance.

True that. (randomly from Tumblr) 

and coupled with today's verse of the day on my phone...

at this point of time, i have re-recognised that i'm tired.
tired of what? idk.
letting go? i've always wanted to.
perhaps is all again the risk-management matrix which fluctuates out of a readable scale.


and so, for me right now the best is to again.. give my best in whatever tasks that i'm responsible to and optimize my time in whatever ways.
i know someday again my bottle's gonna be filled and explode again. but i guess allowing this cycle to take place is a form of solution, not the best, but at least its one to keep me going.

it somehow feels that i'm going back to square one.
i'm going back to the start.





hahas. i dun really like this post coz it feels that i've not established anything / got anything sorted out. usually while blogging, i find myself heading to an eventual place of refuge by sorting out tangled wires. but this time round, it just feels like i'm going another round and another round. quite disappointing. but whatevers, and i dun care.





gosh, and u know what.... after feeling all that weight, saying all that, thinking and trying to sort all that out, i realized that i'm not in a bgr; or ggr. hahas. it feels so much like it. sounds so much like it.
perhaps i've got the secret gift of celibacy after all. hahahhhas.



stucked.
and all this while, i've pocketed these words for you: "i'm happy to let you use me", though it sounds so bloody wrong and its not that u're just gonna deny it, but be sorely against it. ahhas.
i wanted to meet up with u that night to not only catch up with our lives, but really straighten out all our issues it was so much. but since there was just simply too much a back and forth decision-making situation on both of our parts, which i eventually still wanted to meet up, i had to deny that access for myself.  but looking back, i'm quite glad i didn't allow myself to coz i think (at this point of time), i wouldn't be able to practice any form of self-control when i'm with u, letting my dopamine-producing neurons go wild, working as partners with my heart to take charge of my whole-being and obviously logically regretting it later.




tmr's Sunday. and i should be happy coz its sunday.
lets all just act in the way we're supposed to be and not deviate from whatever norms that's being set out.

synopsis

today was kinda interesting.
(another update about my future. aviation stuff again. hahahs)



had a last min 2nd interview with the GM of the prospective company to work out something for me in the company.
ok, basically, from the last interview i was supposed to get a job that involves cabin upholstery. simple carpeting stuff in the plane. after him seeing my resume, he felt that the job did injustice to my qualification, and hence, we wanted to offer me something better. whoas.


so nice right!
honestly, i dun think u can find such people in the business world. its not often that ur resume can actually stand out / they actually bother to read ur resume. i guess also its coz of the amount of colours i've used and made it very editorial-ish. so in the stack of black and white resumes, mine stood out. i dun think mine would stand out if it was in a pile of resumes by prospective marketers.


anyway.
the company ppl are really v nice. i've alrdy made this friend in the HR dept and she's really like helpful. hahahhas.
and so, we spoke for about 20 mins? together with the HR manager.
the gm was from SIAEC as well, also a friend of my dad! he's worked in Delta shift (my dad's Charlie), so since C-D would have some overlap, they knew each other.
i'm really loving this industry in the sense that i'm getting to find out my dad's circle of friends one by one. from the times in OJT, in Sch, and now, my prospective jobs.


i've also established with them that i'm still waiting a response and SIAEC and i would abandon/leave the job if they would call one day. he and the HR manager are ok with it! whoas. i was really blunt but i knew that i had to be honest. and they even said that they can even work something out for me. ok, i'm really not hoping/expecting anything from that, but for them to listen and understand my goal / planning and give such understanding..... i really didn't expect that.


i got a feeling that he wanted me to be some business exec to manage b2b customers, and to deal with aircraft parts and stuff coz i secretly think the company is moving into MRO. but during the interview, i kept emphasizing that i'm super against office desk-bound job coz i know i can't last 8-5 infront of the computer like that, day in day out. i did it for a few months before and it was.... BAH. likka whole new meaning to my tolerance level for office job. ahhahas.


so anyway, i think it was difficult for him also coz not only i have not attain any form of license to work on anything, i didn't want to go for the trng and be bonded to be a tech. at the same time, i wanted hands-on experience. i told him i'm ok with whatever pay i'm gonna get coz right now, that's not my priority. hahahs. i think if i'mma big shot and should meet someone like me, i'm pretty sure i would slammm the door in the face of mine. hahhahas. i also added that i've got some projects and events on my own as a photographer that i've agreed prior to today's meet and he says i'm free to take no-pay leave as and when. whoassss!


but yea, i'm surprised that they not only listened but decided to work something out.
but from what i know, i think they see that i've got potential because of my attitude and stuff like that.
i met some of the staff during the ITE Alumni engineering event in which i shouldn't be going but went anways with some of my classmates because i wanted to go and see the new campus and the 737 at their backyard. (eh. u should have gone and see the sch. tmd. they got duno how many gasturbine engines in their lab just for like fun/experiment/practical). hahaas.
that's also when i put my name down in the list since all my friends did too, and i mean, y not since its just another door avaliable for me.  so i guess since the setting wasn't office-ish and all formal, i was just being casual self talking about aviation stuff and all the random jokes about it... so i guess thats how they got to know me better in that sense. it was nice and too casual........... and now to this?! realllly unexpected. hahahs.


and so. honestly, i'm asked to start work on... MONDAY.
?! (and today's friday btw.)
i was supposedly to wait for my airport pass first before i start work as some cabin refurbishing stuff in changi airport. but now i'm asked to start on monday, to be attached to both the engineering and marketing side. i really duno what to expect but one of the guys told me that i've got stuff to do on monday in relation to the project they are working on alrdy. some data involving microsoft access and he seemed to be relieved that i had some basic knowledge about it. ahhahhas.. (thank God for poly education which includes the mindless computer modules in which we thought that it was useless since we all alrdy know how to use. ahahs)
i was also introduced to the marketing manager and she seemed very nice too.


to me, the 2nd visit to the company was just... all too pleasant to me. its my 2nd interview and i've alrdy been introduced to the stuff, in my polo, long pants, wet crocs and a sling army-ish dirty looking bag. and they all look really friendly. maybe coz its dress-down fri or smth, but its not like those normal business office-ish feeling.
when i was working with nera / macdonalds... while installing the terminals/sending food.. i got many glimpses of the different business office settings and a light taste of the environment / culture and stuff. so to me, with the wide (though not indepth) experiences i have about offices and their organisational culture, i must say that this company is really nice.
but honestly, its really toooo early to tell. 2 visits, less than 1hr in total, obviously there's more to experience, but for now, lets just take it as it is.

of course, putting up my guard, but not yet my defenses. 

so anything. that's the highlight for today.

other than that, finally i had time to run all my errands. i went to the bike shop. i got all my shoes repaired and rugby boots sewn. also went to joo chiat complex to get a nice looking baju kurung for my good friend's wedding next wkend.


wahs. so expensive! the normal looking ones are on the avg of $120. i wanted to get likka peranakan kebaya to suit the event and also since its my culture and stuff, but 1 kebaya top alone is $55 at its cheapest. and its not likka top, but just the jacket. the full suit is also about $120 the cheapest. i want to faint. there's also a $15 baju kurung one down stairs, just the top but didnt look nice.
in the end, by God's grace or some sort, i found a shop that's got offer. from $120 to $50 since they are clearing stock. and the aunty was chinese! so she intro me to a nice baju kurung that looks abit chinese so that i can retain some form of cultural identity. ahhahas. had to alter the loooong skirt so that it wouldn't be sweeping the floor. an additional $10. so in total $60 spent!
i guess since its for my good friend's wedding, its ok. and also since i've got many malay friends who are getting married these few months too... it'll be useful. ahhahas. but i think i shouldn't take so many photos. if not all the same. ahhahahahhas.

i've ever got a close guy friend who commented that how come i take sooo many photos in a single wedding event. but it turned out to be many wedding events with the same dress. paiseh that he even took notice and highlighted that out to me. ahhahhahas. so since then, i've bought (actually no, mother poon paid for it) 2 more dresses for furture weddings since i'm of the age now. 

but all the baju kurungs and kebayas in joo chiat are really v nice. i really dun mind being a malay liao. wahhahahha. while altering the skirt, the shop owner and i were having a chat also. it was very random and the first thing she asked me was "ur boyfriend malay?" hahahahas. and continued on with "u ever got a malay boyfriend" and asked about my opinions and stuff. ahhahas. was quite funny actually. it was likka mini h2h session with a total stranger. then she went on sharing about her friend's daughter who has a malay bf and all.... the skirt really took thaaaaaatt long to alter. but it was nice la. hahahas. i mean the short conversation we've had was nice. and we've also evaluated that the 2 biggest clashes is the religion part and hence the family part in which i totally agreeed too. we also said that love can be great (爱很伟大, as we spoke in chinese)  but other factors can caused major problems. soo funny.






weather was crazy. riding in and out of places, it rainnned whenever i was on the road and stopped when i've reached a destination as if on cue.

disciplinedly went down to TP track to complete my runs since i didnt do it last tues.
for some reason, i did the 600m one under 3mins! hahas. to me, its an achievement unlock. (:
idk if its coz of the newly glued sport shoes/ the fav sb that i was wearing / the cool weather and light drizzle/ the day's events or what, but i did have a good session and didn't feel like i was gg to die.
(:


maybe coz i wanted to do justice to my fitness level also.
this week been too good.
been out with mother poon. even went to jb with her and sis on wed.
ate alot of good food and hence, i feel really guilty. hahas.





ok. i could have been up in KL now. either for Asian Club Champs or Church Camp.
but i guess God has indeed planned something better for me.
if i was not in sg today, i could have missed this opportunity.
ahhahas. and i realized that i've got so many ppl to be accountable for. one information, and i've gotta mandatorily inform 6 people formally over emails and whatsapp. that excludes mother poon and the much closer friends. so today, it was just busily running errands and making expeditious arrangements for the weeks to come.




i feel that i've been blabbbbing alot recent in this space abt all the little stuff. ahhas.





anyways. hahahas.

this what it feels like now.....

my flight plan

today's learning point is: always to have a goal and be sure that that is what you want. 

(this is gonna be a very dry post abt my career plan.)

hahas. 

and so, ytd i had a call from Jamco for today's morning's interview.

had to get all the certs photocopied and stuff within less than 15 hrs. 

thank God that i've got the spares from the past.

but it wasn't just that.

i had to 15hours to decide for the next 3 years of my life. 

these 2 days was quite weird because i realized that there were alot of calls/msges regarding aviation. not just from companies, but from friends, distant friends and all.

i'm really glad that its not that time of the month for me. hahahs. i dun think it would have made a difference, but perhaps it may just alter the way i process my thoughts. 

anyways. 10.30 am interview at the company.

as i rode towards the company, passing by it was a big SIAEC logo. hahas.

as some of u know, my goal is to be an aerospace engineer, preferably in SIA because it was where my late dad spent 4-fifiths of his life in there. and of course, its literally Singapore's Airline. hahas.

engineering interviews are so much better than a business one in terms of the etiquettes involved. no need to wear formal wear with court shoes and those mandatory light make-up. 

strolled in with my polo-tee, long pants and croc shoes. hahas. 

and my bagpack with a very disorganized file. 

Jamco ppl are nice. i guess coz its also coz i've met them at the fair. and they're really friendly.  really nice office working culture. of coz i can't say much coz there's definitely more than that that meets the eye. 

during the interview, the HR lady was nice. it felt like a job-counselling session. ahhahas. 

she didn't ask me much questions. just about if i was interested i the job. i think i asked her more questions that she did. ahhahahas.

basically, what she's offering me is a 1yr trng + 2 yr bond as  Technician under Jamco.

it's also an alternative pathway for me in my pursuit to as an engineer. coz while in it, i can do my CAAS cate B (engineer licensing papers). and once completed, and if all goes well, i can officially and legally be an engineer in 2 yrs. so using the pros and cons way of evaluating decisions (also a type of marketing tool! hahas) :

pros: 

- it's a faster track for me. 

- and i dun have to wait ambiguously for call that might not even come

- nice company. under SIA's wing also,

- so eventually if i do wanna move on to SIA, its easier.

- its honestly quite a good offer if just basing of the fact that i've got any qualifications from ATTC.

cons:

- i can't say much about the trng prog coz i've not been in it / no friends for reference

- i wanna jump straight to SIA.

- think about the $80 per paper on my own. and its more than 10 papers. i can't afford it (maybe i can if i'm in the programme right)

- CAAS revising their qns bank in jun, and with my notes from ATTC, its definitely not sufficient

summary:

the pros and cons method doesn't seem effective coz of the weight of the indivudual factor. there's another method but i can't really identify how it works specifically.

anyway, i've decided not to go ahead with the good offer because of my goal.

i wont do a pros and cons of the SIA trng prog, but the main focus is so that i can start my career in SIA, go through the trng prog even if it takes longer period of time (2 yrs trng + 4 yrs bond).

meanwhile, i've just applied for a position in SIA for Technical Engineering Officer (Maintenance Planning and Control). 

that was random. 

i went to the career site to see if the trainee engineering opening is still up. but no, its not. sigh.

anyway, this sounds achievable because its requirements is just a diploma.  

and so.

instead of accepting the offer which should have been the sole purpose of my interview, i asked her for another opening. 

it was CMU. idk what it stands for, but its just cabin refurbishment.

and today, i signed a form to apply for the airport pass and i've gotta safety course to attend next wk.

so i guess more or less it sounds that this is gg to be my job for the next few months?

the technical officer job (that i just submitted online) also sounds good, coz i can see the backends of maintenance operations right.

hmm. ok. good here is in relation to my learning curve and not so much of the monetary payouts coz that can wait later in the future. 

this is all so pensive.

i dun like dealing with ambiguous time frames. its not just about me but how i can be responsible to what ever i'm in line with. 

anyways!

today was whole day out with mother poon and sister.

and tmr, another whole day out in JB.

totally using these few wks with the family man.

bought books from a bookfair at novena square! the 4 similar ones are actually from an encyclopedia set.. 3 for $10. and some how the 5 full-coloured books amounts up to $18. (:

did this online today. quite random

the left one is done earlier after dinner. and right one is done when i'm at home. dun really believe in all this, not even using it as a reference. but i usually try and do such quiz twice for validation purposes. whahhas.

not reference, but maybe some self-discovery.. ahahhs.




bah.
decisions.
thats not up to me.

open gates?

its full on lightning outside
though it it dark
the clouds are surely there.




the weather today was.... in confusion.
one moment super hot. then it was raining like mad, and the sun was shining.
it was during trng. the clouds were really pretty.. those silver lining with straight lines of sunrays kind.
against the rugby goal post, really wanted to take a photo. there was even a rainbow.
and it was about evening time when the sun's about setting too.
everything.
mixed up.
probably just like how i am inside.





ANYWAYS.

went to church on a Sunday morng today. proud of myself, coz i've really ran out of excuses to not go.
during the worship, i just felt that i needed to do something about my life. church camp is on this wkend, and there was this prompt that i should be going to just receive the Word again and pull my life back together again.


but because of the uncertainty i've had about sch/work/finance and all, i've missed the deadlines to register my name. i still want to go. and i know God will provide a way.
so after church, made some plans with a gd friend to head up together. so in a way, i can settle all my transport, lodging and food myself. should be fine right. in fact, plans were made in less than 15mins and i'm all good to go! so happy and proud of the efficiency.


and so, out of respect, i think i should at least let the camp commandant know that i want to go, and that i'm able to manage everything myself. was actually quite sure that i'm gonna get the green light.
and unexpectedly, he said ... no. i can.not.go.
his rationale is that since i've missed the deadline, i shouldn't make this kind of arrangements myself coz then, if word gets out, next year, ppl will start dishonouring the deadline and ppl will follow suite of my behaviour.


ookk.
that was unexpected.
very unexpected!
no form of compromising or hearing out.



my first initial response was..... actually a blank. hahas
i didn't know how to respond.
in the next 10 sec, i was disappointed with a tad of anger.
because i made a point to take a step and do something about my Faith. its not an easy decision for me to go or not. its not just about the materialistic factors, but i have to confess, i just feel so unworthy of taking such a step in my Faith. i mean, God welcomes everyone with open arms... but sometimes i just feel that my sinful life is likka big black blanket that covers all of me. i do want to get close to God again, but first i needa recognise that i'm a child of God and He loves me unconditionally- its something that i find it difficult to accept coz we have failed him in so many ways. so many repetitive ways.

it was for awhile.

the next response was like.. how can a fellow christian be not so encouraging?
i do understand his standpoint of view. the deadlines are probably set so that logistics and stuff can be confirmed asap. and if lets say i'm allowed to 'miss the deadline' and go ahead with my arrangement, that would further encourage other ppl to do so in the next year. but seriously, unforseen circumstances do occur and if we do find a solution, we should not build unnecessary barriers right.
ok, i dont mean to say that his concerns are unnecessary, but its all about risk management/ make the best of it or something right. and its not that i'm going to spread the word out that i have purposely deviated from the norm just to suit my personal schedules righhhttt.


what if it was to bring a non-believer along, a last min decision; in hope that through the camp, he/she will accept Christ.
i'm just giving a classic 'what-if' example.




and so. that led me to another thought.
i mean, i could have chosen to not respect him, make my own arrangements, be there, and then inform when i'm there right.
if i had done that, then i can achieve my aim of going to church camp and hear the speaker.
all ok.
now that he knows that i want to go and is not with the main group, going up against his advice would just make me disrespectful and to an extent disobedient. i mean, we've all gotta respect our church leaders right. i dont think i'm that concerned at how people will look at me because ultimately, it is God who can judge and no us.

i just feel sad that i can't get on this platform to get back my faith on track.
i mean its not the only way la. but at least is still a big solution for me.
forgoing it because of respecting human's decision is just.....
idk.
i mean we can throw in all those..
"if theres a will, there's a way",
"in God's timing, if its not now, its later..",
"God will provide a way",
"seek and u shall find, knock and he will answer".
but this, to me, in my irritated mode now is just...likka slammed door in my face.





"no......... you can join the rest in the 9am sunday service. hahas".
thats what he said jokingly. wait, dont get me wrong. he's really a nice guy.
he's really one of those leaders that u'll respect coz of the many reasons of a good law-abiding-wwjd-christian that he exemplifies.


but i still just dont find the equilibrium.
last time when i was younger, i went to church camp because of friends and all. well, its not wrong though. this time, i'm really all about getting close to God again and to be discouraged like that is really very disappointing and.... discouraging. ahhas.

throughout the day, i was actually doing alot of self-checks.

i mean i'm also free because Asian Champs is cancelled for the womens side and our club can't send in a mixed team.. that probably was one of the decision-making factor. 

well, it looks like i'm clearly prioritizing rugby over God right. i have to admit, yes, but only to a certain extent. not being able to play in the tournament, i could have make plans to go up and support the team, do my own stuff in KL and stuff like that right, but i chose not to leh.

i asked myself if Asian champs is on, and i've got a prompt to go for camp, would i choose camp over tournament. honestly, i would have chosen the tournament over the camp. 

then again, i rmbr during one of the sermons/biblestudy that God doesn't just want part of our heart, He wants our heart wholely. hahas. maybe that's why i deserve all this.

ahhas. this discussion seems likka back and forth and back and forth... and i'm really not trying to fanthom God's ways and His unconditional Love for us. 

but all this makes me feel like "you deserve it coz u're just using God".

k.

u know, i'm actually struggling to blog all these out coz i feel that all these are really my personal fears and i'm really struggling to phrase my thoughts properly out. somehow, i feel that i can't quite explain myself- how i'm feeling right now.

i'm not confused.

majorly disappointed and probably a bit clueless in how i can salvage this whole thing.

i mean now if i do get an advice to go against his instructions and continue on with my arrangements, i dont think i can pull it off coz its just blatantly disrespectful. i dont wanna create a big whooohaaa of a small thing. perhaps to God its not a small thing right. 

aiya, lets just settle for "God will make a way-in His time.".

period.

also wanna add on..

when i also told another friend in church of my intention of going, his first reaction was like "cannot leh. means u gotta bunk in with someone and that's cheating. as Christians, we should not cheat. its not good. i mean we can, but we should not". WHOAS. hahas. some friend.

i'm not referring to disallowing me to cheat, but i'm so surprised that ur first response was that i'm a cheater. yea, i know i can be cheepo and all to scrimp and save, but it really does not mean that i'm gonna cheat like that. i'm proud to say that i've got no intentions on cheating like this and have already thought of plans to book my room online with another friend. so for that, i'm so so disappointed.

my sunday sch childhoood friend. we grew up together. over 10 yrs. played together and this is how u think of me just because i've not been coming to church and now that u're a leader in church. seriously.

i dun mean to put on and mention the labels here. but that's really...... is that how u really think of me honestly? disappointment is just an understatement here. 

and so, i've talked about this whole thing to the friend that i'm intending to go up with. 

about the issues, the responses and the feelings.

he's probably more understanding because he's been through my position and is probably in my position in terms of 'leading a Christian life' as so to say. let me clarify this first, i'm not the kind who only wants to hear pleasant things to the ear ok. i like the solid truths even if it means to hurt me.

so, talking to him was one of the best things that happened today because i know that at least that's a friend in church who understands. 

and so when the outside world say that "christians are hypocrites" i dont just decline that notion, but i have to accept that. some christians are 'sunday christians'... i.e they act Godly and full kindness on a wkend, but goes the other way when the wkday arrives- either because we're not in a christian setting or around christian friends. that's about being the Salt and Light and all and i'm not going to go there. 

he's still probably going up with his parents, though i'm quite against the fact that he's not letting the camp committee know. but i do understand him and compliment him for his courage. haahhs. not courage to 'break the rules' as so to speak, but courage to be fearless. 

some people just do the good deeds for all to see. 

bah.

just whinning now.















bah.
next issue.

i actually thought of really whinning in detail all out here, but i really can't be bothered again.
its about the classmates again. ex-classmates that its.
to summarize, one of my classmates jokingly repost a 9gag photo of a common class setting of individual behaviours. he went on tagging. it was actually a funny joke. it made some of the classmates missed the classmates, including me.
and so my sister just commented a joking statement about missing one kind of common character.



(some comments were removed, including those joking ones.. i guess coz they realized that things were heating up and dun wanna get innoncently invovled like the other time round. hahas. good move for them.)



and so,
that particular classmate took it sooo offensively, and became very defensive. he made it seem like we took a knife and pierced it through his guilt conscience if he ever had one.
i guess coz when my sister posted up the comment, her fb name which shows a 'poon' suggested some form of linkage when she really meant no harm.
in fact, she is NOT aware of my shitty class situation. i'm never close to my sister. i dont share stuff like this with her. i know she doesn't read my blog coz she can't be bothered and has got better things to do.

but to see her kenna shot back like that.. i was like.. wth?!
seriously.
i wasn't even angry because its just soooo stupid! its really childish level 99 and i really dont want to go to that level and argue to ppl who can't seem to make sense of anything.

people really have toooo much time mannn!

but because of this incident,  last night, my sis and i whatsapp from 12am till 3am.

u know, we've never talked communicated like that before. not even verbally.

hahas. i think if u wanna do a literal comparision, for the amount of words that was being typed out last night, its is more that what is usually spoken verbally over 2-3 months. (including those days when she was still staying with us before she moved out after marriage) 

so for that, in a secret and not sarcastic way, i thank you for that because it has some how made our relationship closer. hahas. 

really some #sisterlylove going on there and it was quite nice to find ourselves standing up for each other- not in a way that is putting down or going against anyone but just for our own entertainment and pleasure. hahas. its really not part of the Poon family culture, buts its nice to know that ur family members do stand up for you for the slightest nonsense. hahas.

so looking back, the whole incident is really too childish for me to even criticize and comment on the what-can-be-improved/should/shouldnot-do. instead, i'm glad to have taken out so much positives from sucha pathetic incident on fb. hahahs.

to all u faithful readers, sorry to put u through all that if u guys really painstaking read line by line of the words from a complicated girl. hahahahsa

but nonetheless, thanks for listening reading! hahas

vomit all the shit out. empty it out and ready to take on more shit.

the tyre

the one that suffers the most stress

being stowed away when not in used

but always there.

i think i can make a poem out of tyres and people and relationships, but not in the mood now. (that's a good sign!)

from mother poon. (:

what i did today.

and an awesome dinner with my fav couple as always. (:

what a summary. hahas

after dinner, i went back to drop off my bike b4 sz comes back to my house and pick me up before  we head off for supper.

and so, i showed mother poon what amanda gave me. hahahas

nail polish, face masks and some moisturizers. hahahs.

mother poon, "wah, from boyfriend ah? ur boyfriend hinting to you to be more girly".

uh-huh. 

so in light of trying to be witty.. "yah yah. my boyfriend give one... (after establishing that it's a joke). siaow ah!"

hahas. and while leaving the house to meet them.. 

mother poon, "ger ah! bring ur jacket and all coz its raining u know. cold ah. dont forget ur helmet."

so kind uh.

so i told her no la... my friend driving me out.

she smiled sia.

she's probably convinced that i'm gonna see my boyfriend tonight.

hahas. i think she's more desperate than me.

ok wait no, i'm not even desperate. hahhahhaas. jokes.

but it's fun. coz i'm ensuring that photos of dinner with my fav couple is up on fb for her viewing pleasure. this is supported by physically showing her more photos from dinner from my phone that amanda sent me... just so that i can burst her bubble before it gets bigger.

ok. thats  over.

next.

yea. though i think that phase of my cycle's over, i just feel that i can't get over this phase this time round and its quite frustrating.

perhaps its coz of the book that i'm reading now?

perhaps its all because of the unsettled businesses?

perhaps its just so easy to get access to places that i dun wanna go?

its is so so hard.

and yes, Coldplay's fav song phrase:

nobody said it was easy

no one ever said its gonna be this hard

i'm going back to the start

and then the guitar goes jamming away.

while recently in tumblr...

hahaas.

just can't seem to escape right.

'right' as in right/wrong right.

perhaps i'm just getting used to all this melancholy and it wont be melancholic anymore!

以毒攻毒

(literal translation: using poison to counter poison)

sometimes i do wish tt we dont have whatsapp and just stick to msn. hahahahhaas.
ok. that was random.










i am thisssssssssss close tonight.............. but i'm using all forces to hold it back.

ok. looks like its gonna be a loooooong night yet again.
seriously too much time in my hands.







just looking at this old photo taken in class back at the Eunos days.

from strangers to friends to more than friends to enemies to strangers all over again.
its a vicious cycle.
some people will never learn.
and this includes me.
perhaps we all take a much longer time to learn
or perhaps a heavier incident to learn.






we're all learning.
maybe.
just perhaps.