the confused kid

oh boy.


i can't believe at this age, i'm living likka #forever17.


friends of my age are worrying abt giving birth, getting houses, getting married, getting a good job and all. and here i am, still studying in school, struggling with relationships.


hahas. right.

u know, i am freaking studying v hard.
whenever i'm in class and have that 'damn sian to study' feeling, i am always reminded of the times when i'm working, how i wished i was studying. so now that i'm studying, i'm sincerely putting in my best. u know, not that i'm a perfectionist ego pig, i'm actually aiming not just to pass well, but to get full marks for my exams. hahas. i mean its engineering. MCQ. its either a right or wrong; unlike marketing, no matter how 'well u can write, u can nv get full marks.

yes. so that's the studying bit.


finances.
omg. i need find ways and means to get money.
working only on sundays are never gg to be enough.
only way is to really cut down expenditure on food. scrimp and save as much as i can till the next year.
feeling the pinch of being broke man. its like today, i wanted to treat myself to a cup of starbucks, my fav green tea frappe, for the day's events. but on the 2nd thought... i just took out my water bottle and gulp down half of it.

so yes. idk what i'm struggling with also.

actually i know la. just in denial can.

its actually about you and you.

each time you are nice to me, i think of you.

honestly, i (: at ur msges. and to an extent, look forward to receiving them. you know, even if u didn't say today, i would have known. really. i was just waiting. coz i wanted an opportunity to explain myself. and amen, u finally spoke out and explained to me, giving me a chance to do so to.

so i'm freaking glad that's off my chest today. its been 'hard' on my heart these few days. for too long. i think today, i felt the weight of it. tmr exam right, i was thinking so hard about u and everything that i got stuck on this simple page of physics for 2 hrs. i actually shed a tear upon reading one of ur msges. ahhas. idk y. but yea. the tear drop just came out. and not, it wasn't out of tiredness. 

i think i've got a sensitive heart. and that makes everything very challenging for me. sometimes i try to not reply you and runaway because i dont want to give u high hopes or lead you on. i really cant do this or get out of all the idontknowwhats. but i feel that its really not fair to you la.

i dont know if i really like you, or just being positively responsive towards ur actions. coz deep down, at least i know that, how i feel about you isn't how it was like when i look at him. so so confused. so so in denial. so so not me.

 i know its not a fair comparison, or rather, there's really no grounds for comparisons, but i needa make sure. 

and anyway, he is still pretty much occupying at least 70% of my heart now. and that's what irritating me. i need serious help in this.

ytd was sara's house warming. a tour around the house took us to this mini 'library' where my girlfriends picked out a book for me to borrow. how apt. 

they dont really know abt my situation coz it'll take a long time to explain the long story short. but upon RANDOMLY flippin' through the pages, i found these 2 pages which freaked me out.

first was this...

when i read it, i heart stopped beating for what felt like 5 sec. how uncanny.  not only it sums up what i am gg through, it kinda sorted out my heart alot. 

and then, i flipped on to this....

and i tell u, it was almost immediately. 

i felt the spooks. totally. i think God is trying to help me. (: this para described everything about me. it really made me think if i was the one who wrote this book. 

17 yrs old. 2 yrs relationship. HOW FREAKY. too coincidental. too timely. 

ugh. i dont like being a girl.

i dont like being chased. i'd rather be the one chasing. HAHAS.

well at least, i'm opening up more to guys now. 

Sara and Keith!

hahas. sorry this post came alittle late! been busy with all the exams and stuff!

here's some photos!
(:
major cam-whoring session.
but such a great catch up with the girls. even though it's been a few yrs, somethings still dont change and that's the friendship that i really treasure alot. (:


and so.. Sara and Keith's Solemnization on 30th June!
was held at Holy Grace Presbyterian church which they reneted.

(:  indeed.

and then the dinner on the next day at Flutes at the Fort. some atas al-fresco dining.  atas food. but the fellowship was far greater than anything. the atmosphere was just great, go encouraging to just go and get married and be at bliss. ahhahas.

so yes sara.
and u're one of those amongst us that we'd always say 'one of the last few to get married' back in those pinafore days. ahhas. but lo and behold, there's this old saying that 'its always those whom we all think that they'll be the last few to get married, will be the first few'.

hahas. but nonetheless, u dont know how happy i am for you. (:
during the church wedding, looking at u walking down the aisle with ur dad to meet with Keith brought unexpected tears of joy rolling down my cheeks. its been awhile since i've cried out of joy; and it was that moment that i realized how important u were and still is to me, what great friend you have been to me in my life.

looking at how ur marriage ties are being bonded by the Word and both of your faith, it really encourages me and puts a big smile on my face, and a bigger one in my heart because i am confident that God is in charge of this whole big plan for you 2, i feel comforted and very excited for the road that's ahead for the both of you. (:

hahas. in conjunction with those stupid wedding games that were played during the dinner (esp through some of those do-you-know-your-hunsband/wife-blindfolded questions) though answered incorrectly, it still just goes to show how much the 2 of u were happy with each other's company and nothing else really matters.


growing up with u is a gift. sitting beside u in class everyday was a pure mixture of ur lameless and terror, doing meaningless routine prefect duties and petrols with you made my IJ phase complete. gg to sch each day and to see u and geraldyne was a joy. and for us to be in the same class from sec 1 - 4 was really by God's grace; and what more, an excellent class of 4sixers. nerdy. but still with high EQ and friendship still mattered with healthy competition to be the best of what one can become in the teenage years.

hahas. my command of English is deteriorating day by day as i'm moving forward towards the Engineering industry. many things i'd like to say but i can't find the perfect combination of words to sum this whole experience up. from stupid moments to that ONE cold war we've ever had (since i complained that our growth of friendship lacked bad quarreling moments), to receiving our o level results and even making it to SAJC tgt for the first 3 months just made those clueless teenage yrs very worthwhile. ya. and not forgetting those long 20-ish hours studying together at the big old T1 BK (now no more) at changi airport and gg home with u by hogging the whole rear section (usually orange in colour) of the mrt train. hahahs.

thank you, friend. (:
thank u for making that chapter of my life complete.
now i wish for the both of u everlasting happiness and growth in the holy spirit. (:
may the both of u take good care of each other as i know that both of you are ppl who would always put others above yourselves.



praying for you always, sara. (:
may u continue to lead by example with ur kind-heartedness and encourage young lives to serve and inspire just like how u did in my life and those around you.

really?

whokay.


1st wk of school.
alright. one module down.
M01 Mathematics exam today. confident like 100% kind. coz it was just 16 mcq in 20 mins.
but overall, i just felt like... the lecturer is good and interactive. but..... i mean like, (no offence) there's this qns that's on the tutorial, he didn't really know the answer but since it's with always the aiya-wont-come-out-thought, everyone brushed the qns aside. and it really came out in the exam. so all of us stunned. but it mean, its just maths. quite direct and sec sch stuff. but really, i THANK GOD for mr Pang, mrs Sng, Mrs Low and whoever that has drilled in the maths formulas in since pri sch.


teachers do really teach u life long skills and lessons.



(kinda irritated now coz mother poon's LOUD CHEENA 1960'S MUSIC IS BLASTING THROUGH THE DOORS OF HER MASTERBEDROOM. #highpitch)





ANYWAYS
feelin likka heaps and heaps of sorrows on me now.


i think it started on wed.
with the big heavy news from my trusted physio.
and struggling with my feelings.


i really dont know what i'm doing. who i am. where i'm gg.
i realize that i'm always at such state when i'm far from God.
serious.
its not just a christian thing. but i realized that God's really my life. as i'm typing this now, i really feel like crying out loud. probably its the tears carried forward from those that were held back when i was infront of the physio.

btw. what's playing now as i'm typing this now is this...




coz i'm playing for sunday service and we're given a list of songs to look through to improvise or smth. tmr's the practice. been tasked to hit on the electric, but its been a few yrs since i've really worked those strings. the whole Job thing. and now the electric thing. the whole parable of the talents and all. and how apt that this is the first song that i'm clicking to go through. ugh.
yea and to add on, one of the song is "God of Wonders". co-incidentally, it's the first song i've ever played on the electric. really THE first song.


God speaks to me in the most creative ways. very effective and too obvious to not pay attention to it.




one of my friends came back from aussie for hols. so we're at KOP drinking us now.
i think my secret intention of riding my bike down to drink is probably really to protect me and myself.
because i rode down, it was really a valid excuse, or probably something for me to hang on to to NOT use alcohol and drown everything away; and of course, save some $$ now that i'm studying full-time. so while everyone was happily cheers-ing away, all i could was to just look on and fight on that inner struggle. maybe 'struggle' is too intense of a word to describe, but almost there.
well, i did well until the last part. i drank 1 botttle of asahi.
been long since i've drank. though it was just one bottle, i could feel the slight effects. in the past, 3-4 bottles, no problem. but really, thank God for my bike. i love my bike.

i protect her, and she'll protect me. (:





still, the daily msging with you.
u know, i really look forward to receiving ur msges. but each time i realize that i'm having such hopes, all the more i just wanna kill it and suppress it. i dont want to continue on and give u false hopes. i can't do this. i can't be selfish. and each time i'm happy receiving ur smses, with that happiness, it comes with hurt, pain and trickling regret. sometimes most of the time, my fingers are too fast for my heart to pull them back. that's my regret.


its not about you. its about him. ):
if i dont clear up the rope that he's left me hanging with all theses yrs, my heart is really very unwilling, very stubborn, very tight. and honestly, the more i try and evade it, the more i go into delusion, denial, confusion and everything just repeats itself. i can't move with a rope tied so tightly to my ankle like that.

idk if the vibes i'm getting from you is indeed what you are sending, but i really really hope that what i'm sending to you will not get over interpreted. pls dont.
maybe i needa talk to you. my heart probably wants to speak to you and clear up what's unsaid, before you can say anything. i hope i'm not being too sensitive and overly thinking. but i dont want history to repeat itself after losing one relationship, i lose one great friendship and brother.





now whats worse is that, (not that i want to) i react to ppl whom i shouldn't be reacting to.
your heart beats faster, you feel butterflies in you stomach, you've lost the right words that u should be saying................. to girls.
these are, in science, involuntarily reactions. reactions that i cannot control. i dont even know what (heart or brain) governs it anymore. idk why and i dont want to. i dont even know whats the concrete rationale that has brought forth such biological reactions.
and to give more thought to it, i realize that i dont have such feelings towards guys most of the time.


and really, it scares me.



idk what's gg on.
idk what i'm really gg through.
idk who is speaking to me.
idk what's the path presented.
i dun even know what i need / what i'm lacking.




and in conclusion, i just need God to be the captain of my life once again.
rugby has been put to all big full stop to me for now.
and life has been significantly different.



pls, pray for me.


and on a good note, SARA's getting married TOMORROW! (:

RAD

was looking at Royal Academy of Dance website and saw DD! (:

so proud of her.
they dance everyday in sch. and i think more than once in a day.

cool man.

):

i'm so sad i wanna cry.

the physio say i can't do ballet anymore.


i almost broke down, but i counter it by breaking out into laughter.
though i dont think that i'm like super passionate about dance,
19 yrs.

it does have an impact on my life.


mother poon also sad.
i feel very sad.


very

very


very


very



sad.




why.





and nothings even worth it.

last work week

hahas. what can i say.

i wouldn't say its the best job in the world. but i really enjoyed every moment of it. even on days that are shitty with long flights and angsty passengers, it was an experience for me. though there were many ppl tt can make u hate ur job, there are those that say simple one liners that brightens up ur day. (: 

one person i'll be missing much is JY.

hahas.

my T3 buddy. first thing in the morng when we reach the deployment office, we have to call for the deployment office. and always, i'd always be requesting for the both of us to be tgt. ahhahahs. 

and of course, be one of the first few to spent ur 'first few days' as a christian. maybe the one thing i regret a little is spending more time to talk with you about the ups and downs of my christian walk rather than on the not-so-good days in transit area. hahhas.

it'll probably be a long while till i see this beautiful morng sight at T3.

 and of course to the T3 part timers... haris, raymond, hazwan, taha and marni. ahas. (: its been my pleasure working with u guys. and of course, baoyang who's in T1. hahhas.

 (",)

wanna wish all my batch mates to hang in there and peform their best every day yea!

definitely gg to miss all of u guys. hahas. though we're in our respective terminals, i believe the challenges we face may just drain our strength away. but i'll be praying for everyone to find strength to carry out their duties and protect the skies of Singapore.

just a note to hang in there:

If you can't do great things, do small things in a great way.

so it's hello school tmr!

abit excited. but keeping it pro. hahas. 

haven't officially quit from this job though. will try and work on wkends for some $$ and see ppl whom i've missed. (:

(ok. i've finally finished posting all those long and overdued posts in one day)

so tmr, a new phase in my life i guess!

i'm gg to study hard and make the best out of it. must at least aim to be top student since it just 30 ppl. though they may be more equipped with the relevant knowledge and skills, i believe that i can do well if i'm disciplined abt it. hahas. no more playing much!

and just to follow the shadow i the big name of 'new phase', i hope this can give me some strength to forget what is behind and pressing on towards what i am called for. 

one major step which i hope i can do so is to put you behind. 

that you, will not be a form of reason/ strength / chance for me to not be myself, and to look forward. really. i hope this part of my life can change in God's direction.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, with all your might and with all ur strength. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight.

amen to that.

Special Ops Command Day + Underwater World

Special Operations Command Day!

23 June.
(so i couldn't make it for Monsoon Awards Day. )
):

nonetheless...

in support for James and Sg. hahas

really cool. quite amazed by the amount of effort being put into.

and guess who i saw! 

(:

fellow rugger. missed her so much.

and....

childhood neighbourhood friend. hahahahas.

wanted to take another shot with him to recreate the old time photo. but i guess not a good place to do so huh. ahhahas

Underwater and Dolphin Lagoon on FRIDAY

was a last min decision.

all the way just to see Nigel and his dolphins. hahas

and we all discovered that Nigel has got good radio voice. AHHAs. but we're all in disbelief. hahahas. 

hahas. for the friends!

hahas.