hi.
hahas its been long since i've used a laptop, and to blog. actually i've always been wanting to blog, but with so many social media outlets, i just emotional vomit them on those platforms for some short-term remedy.
well, today i decided to make and effort to blog coz i wanted to blog about Beanie.
recently, Beanie passed away on 12 Aug 2021. on that day, i was on the way to work when my sis msged me that Beanie is waiting for us.
ok so, Beanie moved in with us just last yr with my sis. and coz of covid and also of the accident that caused me to be 1 month at home, i've been at home most of the time and spending alot of time with her.
just a wks b4 she passed, she had weakness in the right leg. we all thought maybe its some joint issues due to old age. she's about 10 yrs old. and just a few days before she passed, he mobility was really very limited. she couldn't even get to the pee mat to pee. and quickly, she couldn't even pee if she wanted to. the 2-3 nights b4 she passed was very difficult for her. she kept barking coz she wanted to pee but couldn't. we took turns to try and make her comfortable so that she can sleep. looking at her, i know she doesn't want to bother us, but she was in much discomfort.
everything happened pretty fast during that week. suddenly on one night, her tongue turned blue. my sis brought her to A&E and i think that was the first time my sis came back without Beanie. she had to stay there for observation. the next morng, my sis went back to visit her and it was good news that the doc said tt her condition was stabilized. however, after my sis left the hospital.. i think it was less than 4hrs that the doc urgently called my sis to ask her come and see Beanie asap.
i was otw to work while my sis called me to say "want to come down and see Beanie for the last time? she's waiting for u." i didn't know what to make of that, but i rushed down.
i still rmbr half way through, it was raining. it literally dampened the whole mood. idky i started crying while riding. the journey felt long.
just to side track abit, i'm really not a big animal lover. its not that i dont love animals, but i always had that thought that animals should be able to roam free in the wild - until i met Beanie. Beanie always seems damn bloody happy when we're around. its like each time we come home, even from just through garbage downstairs, she would rush to the door with her short stubby tail wagging like mad. its as though she nv see us for yrs like that. it always seems that she wants to please us, want us to be proud of her for everything, want to love us more than she possibly could. ya, through her, i learnt that probably for some animals, they really love being around humans. maybe it can for the food or shelther, but tbh, Beanie is so real.
yea, so i reached the hospital. it was raining quite heavily. and coz of COVID situation, the normal number of visitor allowed for each pet is 2. but there was my sis and my bil and i. i opted to wait outside, but the nurse was like, 'just come in'. it was at then that all the bad feelings sunk in.
there were were a few patients and animal owners outside waiting, but its like, we had priority. it really isn't a good sign.
i climbed up the flight of stairs and then i saw Beanie in this highly oxygenated plastic box. at first her body seemed weak and almost life-less because her breathing was shallow as she lied on the side. i rmbr my bil asking "is she gone alrdy?" however when she saw us, her eye lighted up. and almost an instant, it seems like she was back to normal again. i was like thinking, aiya, i think she just miss us coz she had to spend 1 night in a place with other animals in distress / sick mode. so maybe sayang abit then ask doc see if ok to bring her back. then the doc started explaining that she's got energy because she's one this jab and all. and this jab is like prolonging her life. so w/o the jab, she would have difficulty breathing and her heart wont be able to take it and all. idk but whatever he said didnt seem to link up. i mean come on. look at Beanie. look how happy and even smiling and all.
it was then the doc asked, or rather, told my sis and my bil that they had to make a decision. wtf.
obviously no.
after some deliberation by them, it was decided to put her out of misery since the doc said that even if op, it wouldnt help coz her body was weak and all / might have complications blah blah blah. then they left Beanie to us in our room to "spend our last moments with her". i rmbr the doc provided some validations by saying "it is the right decision, it would be good for her".
wtf.
i think that moment was the 2nd emotionally hardest time of my life (1st being my dad's cremation when reality hit). i looked at Beanie, and still in disbelief. obviously she didn't want to go right. it's good if she can go home with us. maybe if wanna pass on, let her at least come home and let her decide right. maybe i wasn't in the right might to make good assessments, but beanie was still smiling ok.
too soon, the doc administered the jab. he previously brief us that beanie would just fall asleep and go peacefully. my sis and my bil give her the best assurance that they could probably give. and soon, beanie became lifeless but her eyes was still open. i rmbr my sis asking "her eyes not close so is she still...." then the doc replied "when animals die, they dont close their eyes, its not like humans.".
that was like a reality. check that beanie had just passed. huh?!
soon there was a wet puddle around her butt. beanie is a super clean and obedient dog. she only pees on her pee pad. even when she had alot of trouble peeing / not peeing / could not walk , she wanted to pee on her pee pad. my sis even got her dog pampers... but she still had to pee on her pee pad. so yea, its only when her muscles that was being triggered by the jab what made her relax, it was only then she peed.
it was it. Beanie was not coming home and i was going back to work.
otw to work, it all felt like a bad nightmare. while the rain was falling, i couldn't tell if it was the rain or my tears blurring out my vision even though my helmet visor was down.
last photo with her.
haiz. cant she just have a few more years with us???
beanie loves me more than i love her.
maybe the accident that made me stay home for 1 whole month was a blessing in disguise. prior to the accident, i was really working alot and only home for dinner, watch tv and zz with mother poon. usually she loves to cuddle with me in that sofa at the end of the day. so i guess me being 1 month at home was a treat for her. lol. the accident left me very bitter, made me v angsty and just disappointed at every single thing. i rmbr being super negative and bitter, not even bothering to eat my lunch. i lost 2kg while 1 mth at home. it wasn't me to be not eating. haha. beanie really made it more comfortable for me. most of the time in the afterrnoon, she would either be nua-ing with me or be alarmed and run to the kitchen when she hears my mother take out her her chopping board / switch on the water tap coz that would be opportunities for falling food.
sometimes in the morng, she would make a big jump up to my bed (coz its quite a height for her failing hind legs) just to make a hole in my blanket to sleep inside while having some form of contact with me.
mother was not big fan of fury animals too and she used to be scared of dogs coz when she was young, i think stray dogs chased after her b4 or smth. somehow, Beanie was life changing. hahahs. usually she nv touch animals, and always have that thought tt animals are dirty, might bite and chase her and all. but look at this photo lol. for some reason, she seem to have some connection with beanie. beanie seems to know how to handle mother poon (rather than mother poon knowing how to handle beanie haha). i rmbr towards the end of her life, it seems that mother poon could communicate with beanie more effectively than my sis? was abit stunning and unbelievable in retrospect.
haha now that Beanie is not here, mother poon laughs at animal vids more, shows us funny animal vids and all. before meeting beanie, she's really nonchalant to animal vids... and i think i admit i was like that too. Beanie taught us so much. and really, i think Beanie accompanied my mother at home and made mother poon more busy with having to seemingly loving an extra kid at home. i guess that's the closest she can get to having a grandchild at home. ahahas
but yea. i miss beanie. i wish she's still here with us.
i know she still wants to be here. :(
and really tbh, i just feel like if we really brought beanie back home that day, who knows, maybe she'll get better and perhaps a few more specialized physio theraphy she'll be back to norm.
idk anything about animal and their biology, but through this episode, i dun think animals are given enough rights as how human have. i mean to like try and justify that statement, b4 any euthansia (or not even allowed) for humans, medical personnels will run more test and exhaust all possibilities to ensure that the diagnosis is the most accurate and that there are no more ways to improve the current quality of life. with animals, i feel like its always 'i feel that', 'based on experience', etc. the unvalidated assumptions.
haiz. idk la. too depressing alrdy. if she's here now, it'l definitely be better.
