It seems that my heart has always been right about u.
End aug, early sept is always gg to be slighty harder coz of ur bdays. 31 aug, 3 sept... i struggled abit with not msging u happy birthday, especially when the clock strucked 12 midnight. 'Hey, Happy Birthday' wasnt something easy bc i knew that u wanted me out forever while i just wanted to use this yearly opportunity to ask how are u, how's things, how's life and all.
I'm always reminded that he's always better off w/o me so i should try keep that distance that he wanted.
Ever since this covid, i havent seen u much at work coz of the timings, no ot, walking route changes and all. The months seemed longer especially knowing that u're still around, but somehow feeling abit bothered that our paths didnt cross. Honestly, i haven't been thinking alot about u because i'm busy just being happy. But recently, idky i started thinking about u. I dont even know if this is missing u or not coz i've alrdy resolved that part of my heart. But it just still feels that my heart is (quite unfortunately) connected to u. More uncannily, when mother poon was packing some baked potatoes for me to bring to work, she suddenly rhetorically asked "kh at ur work right". I was caught off guarded coz its been years and just out of the blue, mother poon had to mention his name. But i replied, "no, diff dept.. dont see him at all. Duno where he go now".
So today was all rainy and all and i was missing (issit) or just thinking of u abit more. Watched back some of the vids of the trips we did tgr and all... then over lunch, one of my cols spoke to me abt u. It was damn random... like as if they had this antenna to detect tt i was thinking of u and all. One of them worked with u in cmu b4 so he was like speaking good things abt u. Of course, i cant help feeling secretly proud of u, but i always had to arrive to this topic of "we didnt work out because of our differences".
Actually till this day, i'm not sure if it's coz of our differences or issit coz of our strikingly similar similarities. (Haha sorry for that double word and lacking in vocab) but yea. The thing that lingers around my heart is actually those moments when we werent actually together yet. I wouldn't call it honeymoon period because it was something deeper than that. We had this mutual understanding of each other heart's struggles, while in our own places. We conversed about deep heart strings and just felt that warm comfort from each other even sometimes w/o words of comfort - at least for me uh. Its seems like after 3 yrs now, the good times we had as a couple werent really the moments that my heart treasured. It was those late-night-to-morng h2h talks at void decks and at the airport that i can fondly rmbr and treasure the most. Perhaps it was only then (b4 we 'got tgr') that i could be myself while u didnt have any expectations of me.
Idky im still bringing all this up today. Oh ya! coz.. after so many months of not seeing u, today i freaking saw u just as i have been thinking more about lately. I was walking with my collegues then. I knew ur eyes caught mine and i knew u were trying to escape my gaze while trying to treat me as non-existent. (Well, it was a single head-on path where we couldn't siam.) I wanted to say hi or like lift my awkward hand to wave, but i could only managed a cowardly stare back to my phone coz i just didnt know how to cope with ur escaping gaze of indifference. But after u passed, my closer collegues looked at me and said "what sialll.. y so dao?" I could only say "idk sia... he whole day treat me as non-existent what can i do sia". Though it was a careless remark, i think i did meant for it to come out. I mean, they also realized what. He knew some of my collegues what.. but because he was too bz trying to ignore me, he ignored all my collegues as well, so the moment our paths literally crossed, the cold wind really blew right through us. Then my cols replied "u could have say hi what". Sounds so easy right. but within that 2 sec, so freaking much was going on inside that eeverything other then my mental and heart processor froze. i guess this is always y im blogging rn coz, this is bothering me rn bc of the fact that I suddenly saw a physical you especially when i've been thinking more of u lately.
At night i really wanted to text u like 'hey, saw u today.. hope everything's well'. But when i clicked on ur name on WA, i am reminded that my text will go unreplied. I wasnt afraid of rejection, but i just dont want to go invading ur space and add on to the hatred u alrdy have for me. After much thinking, i am also reminded by what k2 taught me - to respect myself and my dignity and to have more self-love pls. But then the argument back is coz i just want u back as my friend coz i really love and cherish the friendship we once had. And then, the final arguement back is the fact that he doesnt want you anymore. With that, i cant really carry on the justification coz it was a clear getoutofhislife pls.
Sighs. Duno issit i care for u or just self-proclaim kind-hearted by nature, but i just have this compelling feeling that u need someone to talk to. But in any case, i dont think i can be in that position coz u dont want to have anything to do with me anyway.
But one thing i'm clear is that i'm really enjoying the happiness and freedom i have right now. Not only am i not looking for anything with anyone; i wouldnt call it defensive but, i'm just not letting anyone come close coz i dont want to go through all those episodes again.
With Covid and all now, it can really be quite depressing when there's no rugby / touch / bowling / climbing activities esp when im finally done with sch. Im really considering taking up a Masters just to kill time since i dont think we can travel so freely within the next 2 yrs. It's really depressing coz i've saved my leaves for 2020 and bought a down jacket for nepal. Haha just 2 days ago, while packing my room (ya i'm still on it. Hahah), i came across my backpacking backpack. All the feels. So i took it out of the plastic bag and carried it for the next half an hour as i continued packing my room. Lol. Wth siol. But ya, i really miss travelling and especially the mountains. Quite badly.
Ok ya. Idky but juz now.. mother poon was like "where's kelvin? Tt time the boy came over to the house only 1 time then never see him liao. Can tell he like my food." Issit all mother and daughter the heart got connection one issit (pls read this line in CAPS and in the most singlish manner). I know mother poon cant wait to be grandma uh, but i think she could stop mentioning all these names lol. But ya, i just replied her "eh that one only friend la, u think all the boys all i dating one ah". True what. Well, he's just another reminder for me to love myself more and that I deserve better. Not all guys who treat u nice are keepers because most guys have ulterior motives. And as a girl with a softer (i think this is scientifically proven) heart, u'd always sometimes fall into their trap, sometimes even w/o knowing, thinking that everything is true.
There were a few moments too that i think of k2. But the difference is that the more i think of him, the more i am reminded how easy it is to be blinded by what we feel as 'love'. I am reminded that anything u love can be lost. Kind gestures or loving words should never be equated to love. Love is a test of time, struggles, loyalty, and all those good things that makes a person keep his promises of standing by even in the storms. Love doesnt mean that all u feel is goodnes and warmth, its much more than that, but the irony is that, it is as simple as knowing that u'll still see that person at home even though sometimes u just want to run away from it. Haha. But what do i know? I end up losing the ppl i love the most anyway. K2 also help me realized like the departure of my dad did leave an untraceable impact that tangled up my heart wires. Perhaps its a scar that can never heal, but only waiting to be embraced by faith; but in any ways, I don't think i'd want to risk anymore precious friendships.
I really miss having someone real to talk shallow and deep while having 0 worries about losing them. I miss estee. Hence the closest thing i have now is blogger and twitter when i need to explode on the go. Hahahas. So yes, i'm always thankful for this outlet, as it makes me feel that i'm heard even though i believe nobody reads this space any more since I've stopped blogging about good life events and experiences.
I just wanna pray for mother poon's health, my sis' happiness and for Covid-19 virus to miraculously disappear from the face of this earth entirely. I cannot afford to lose any of my family members anymore. Now it's back to just the 3 of us again. I know one day, ppl will have to go, but pls let it not be in the next 30 yrs or so. Its abit too much to ask, but i hope to stop subtly worrying about it everday.
Good night, world. :)
