20 pins from Copenhagen

sigh.

i rarely feel this disappointed for bowling, but today is different.

i just got home, its bright and sunny, but i feel like blogging right now coz i'm feeling so so shitty. i wanna talk to someone about it, but i guess this is the only place left.

so. 20 pins away from 4th.

top 4 gets sponsored to bowl at the International Airline Bowling League, this yr at Copenhagen.

Denmark. i dun even know anything about this place and i'd probably wont be going there in my life time.

but today, i had a shitty first block of 3 games, that dropped my position to the 5th place.

yesterday, i was like 3rd, but WLL caught up while i couldn't connect my strikes. there were alot of pin 10s and splits as well, so i ended up 4th. 

i was actually feeling quite comfortable. coz i was about 100 pins ahead. and i knew my games were ok. 

but today first block of 3, i had like 102, 160 147. had like 6 splits in that first game and missed a few unforgiving spares. when i saw that 102, i knew i was in trouble. i couldn't see SS's score coz her lanes b4 the shift was right at the other side. she's a straight bowler, so nothing really affects her.. like no matter what lane condition, it doesn't matter. no rev, no speed, but its ok, coz her spares are more accurate.

the backend was pretty sharp in today. had a few 7-10s, countless pin 10s and every game was averaging like 3 to 4 splits. i did managed to convert some though it wasn't enough.

on the 5th game, ss was bowling beside me. she didn't do so well while i finally (after 8 games) found a comfortable line to avoid the head pin entry. on the final game, i was just 30 pins away.  but b4 that, yea, i opened the 10th frame... on a freaking pin 5. she had 2 open frames in her 6th game, so i was like.. ok. i still got this. i'm still in the game.

but she bowled well, had a turkey and finished with 168. my lanes were bowling slower i still had 6 more frames to go. in the last game, i opened another pin 5 on the first frame... and then on the 5th frame. i had a 4-6 split. i knew that was it. i needed a 200 game to win her and with that 2 open frames... its not gg to happen even if i strike home.

so i fck care my routine, and just anyhow bowl my shots.. cleared a pin 10 without even bowling properly and then a 4 beggar came in till the 10th frame, and i finished off pretty strongly with 181. not a very high score, but decent enough considering today's condition.

sigh.

too late though.

to give myself an excuse, my thumb was swelling since ytd.

during the practice throw today, i was like. omg. this is painful.

subsequently, the pain just intensifies. every shot i went, i did one pre-swing first so i wouldn't tense up the shot. and i felt the pain with each swing. so after the first swing and b4 i go, the only statement in my head was "pain is just mental feeling. it doesn't affect ur game. stay low and follow through".

but yea, the competition was really too strong to think about my pain.

i really wanted to go this year. 

coz i'm not sure if i'd still be with this airline in the next year.

and this year, i should be more or less done with sch. 

i'm always falling short in life.

its like... previous yrs, i could't bowl the selection coz i didn't have enough leave to take coz of sch. and the tournament in april is too close to may exams. this yr i dont have anymore written exams to study for.. so it was really a gd opportunity. 

and in the last 5 yrs, first yr i didn't get involved.. and yr 2-4, AA hasn't joined the company yet. now with AA, there's really no chance in winning any women's title, any other outside airline tourney, even for EC side coz she's from EC too. i mean i'm glad that i get a chance to bowl with her coz i used to watch her bowl while she was in the nat team as well as sportssch. just too bad that this year, no chance to bowl with her again.

i'm like very disappointed. 

like more disappointed than i can even describe.

i wanna talk to u. but for what?

what issit that i wanna hear?

its ok, try again next year?

u did ur best.. dont give up?

nothing really would change the outcome though.

i had my chances but i'm always falling short at the last min.

what a start to 2020. it hasn't really been great so far. but who cares. least its not like 2018.

perhaps, all these is just to prep me mentally for graduation - if i'm gg to grad with a GPA of 3.99, 0.01 short of 2nd upp honours.

really..... whatever man.

nothing really works for me in life. hahas

as i'm typing now, each space bar i hit with my right thumb still hurt. i'm icing intermittently, so my keyboard is wet now. maybe i should stop. if this com crashes, i can say bye bye to my fyp and graduating liao.

so bye.

let me go wallow myself up in self-pity and play some mobile games since i got no you, no one really cares or listen to my worries, just like the last half of last year and every year.

by now, i should start getting used to this. 

nobody cares and i shouldn't too.

word

Oh wow. Saw this and i became speechless.

1st day of the next phase

so, 1st jan.

i had dinner with the disney pricesses.

everyone's getting married.

conversations are now about wedding stuff, hotels, banquets, housing, etc.

somedays i feel like i'm there, but just not there.
we all ended early coz everyone had work the next day, while its gg to be night shift for the next day.
i wanted to hang out late, like just go out and chill.
but i realized, i didn't have anyone.


i'm not sure if i'm feeling lonely. or like feeling not lonely and in denial.

so i went home.
and just as i reached home, k2 texted me.
it was probably a chance for him to close this chapter for me - to make it clear that he's so done with me. probably in a polite and damage-controlling way as well.

its quite funny coz, b4 his text, i'm more or less like.... know that this is no longer my fight anymore since he wasnt interested in me anymore much earlier. he was probably finding someone else alrdy.
but this text to not do anymore damage did some damage anyways.
perhaps he has found someone else alrdy and just dont want to feel all these grayness that's probably looming around him. but he's a smart guy anyway, so i really shouldn't be thinking for him since all these ppl always knows whats best for themselves right.

but unfortunately, i went back to scroll some of our texts, regretfully re-reading all those words spoken then. looking back, i was clear about this r/s. i wanted it to work but i only could be patient about it. on the other hand, back then, he sounded so clear, so sure, so patience. but those were just words. while i can only miss him, he's probably moving on, easily finding someone less messed up. hahas.

i started to lament again, like why ppl like to come in and then walk out.
why did i open up my feelings to ppl whom i have good feelings for, though i couldn't be sure.

but one thing for sure is that, while trying to demolish all these mental walls while with k1 and k2, i'm rebuilding them back up again.
i was probably naive to think that these ppl who understood me could be someone i could really trust my fragility with, but all i learnt was that i can let my fragile heart protect itself. to only grow more resilient and hard with the scars grown over and over.


i didnt think i would be walking into 2020 like this.
but its not that bad.
probably just trying to vomit the remaining hurt that's left.
i'm probably not as lonely as i think as i am. probably just trying to embrace the fact that all these girls are going to get married, start a a family, have kids, have priorities and all. so when they say things like 'lets plan a holiday together', i having all these negative doubts and vibes.
its like... we did try to plan a few short trips over last few years, but its always the 'saving up for house', 'saving up for marriage', and all. all these will never end u know. after marriage, its even more savings for the kids and all. No money go SEA countries with friends, but got money to travel to european countries with fiancee. Issit husband pay all? Like tt I also want to find rich husband. Hahahahs. i dont mean to sound bitter, but pls, dont give hopes like that. Or rather, its really ok to be truthful about ur priorities coz thats how friends can grow. But yea, im not hoping for anything also, since i cant start a family with any of them hahahaha. I understanding.

So let's be real people.
all these friendships will and should never be priorities coz in life, u'd only fight for what u love, not what u desire to love.
hence, it all brings back to that fundamental formula - work hard, earn more money, spend on those who love u, i.e, mother poon.


big sighs, but whatever.
if life, i'm always the one chasing for something that can never be reached.
just like my work.
my aviation journey. each time i'm about to reach my goal, policies change. then, its another 4-5 additional years to chase for the revised goal.
how many 5 yrs we have? i've probably "wasted" a good 10 yrs of my life. i mean, i'm thankful with all the experiences i could gain at wherever i was, but its really tiring u know.
just like my r/s. nothing really works.
and in the mean time, my uni classmate, same age as me, just bought a pair of SQ first class suite tickets to japan to surprise her husband for his bday. hahas. how many months of work does it take for me to earn an sq first class suite ticket? (not even talking about a pair.) hahahs. geez.

if u know me, i'm always a person who believes in hardwork.
i believe like if u put ur mind into getting something done, u'd achieve it eventually.
but over these few yrs, i realize, hardwork is never enough.
that's not how the scheming world works. so i really should stop having that thought and just focus on profiting just for myself. not one really cares about hardwork. ppl only see what u achieve, not the process. so stop lying urself or giving urself false affirmations just to comfort ur failures.