unexisted and better off alone

ever since that first dm, there has never been a day when i never think of u at all.
exams have passed. u were still in the midst of all the differentiation and fourier transform.
brought my fam to KL, with a mind full of you.
so many things are trying to fall back to place, but my soul just can't find a place to rest.

perhaps it is in this state of constant inner turmoils that is my equilibrium. and i guess i'll just have constantly learn to adjust.
the good thing is, the strong urge to text u has subside, bc i know that there's someone else who better worth your time. unfortunately, i still wish to be by ur side to see u smile and her ur warm voice again. but then again, knowing that my presence upsets you, it's better for everyone that i just continue to understand that i was never part of your life and i dont exist anymore.
the pain is still very must raw and there. and though time doesn't heal all wounds, i have learn to accept the pain and take it in with my daily strides.
i still wish u could see through one of ur friends. but ur happiness shouldn't be my concern since she can take care of it; and it does seem that trying to not exist in ur life does bring happiness to you.

honestly, i do feel very damaged. like i've turned your hate towards me and brought it upon myself. i hate myself so much that now i've turned reclusive. i dont want to make any more new friends nor bother to really spend time with friends i love, other that my real blooded family.
people eventually leave. its only that your family don't. and the best part is, its is only your family members who accepts you for who you are. so in a way, i thank you for showing me that.

i just find if abit difficult to deal with the void made by someone whom i thought i'd be spending the next 60% of my life with. but then again, it seems that i'm really much better on my own, and since you've told me to get out of ur life.
and honestly, i am still puzzled why u suddenly turned into a monster towards a monster you've built like me. i'm sorry for not being the perfect girl you wanted me to be. but i do feel that you shouldn't really treat me like this since all along i've been trying to change for you just to make u feel happy. if changing for you made me someone whom i isn't, which caused you to stop loving me, then i'm really confused.

for you, i've lost my identity. i dont understand what i like and who i really am anymore.
its been over a year now and if time filters out all the details to bring out clarity of the big picture, then it all becomes a blurry now. perhaps this blurry is due me living in denial, built by ur violent words etched deeply in my aching heart.
everyday is a painful day. i'm owning these pain now. i'm digesting all these cuts in.
but it is just so, so sad that at the end of the day, it is the man that i love the most that caused all of this. i didn't want it to be u, but it is.

honestly, i do feel that my outlook in life is ruined. my efforts for the future is now wasted because i'm just so filled with pessimistic views and feigned optimism. but one good thing now is to know that i now know how to not bring myself into a situation where i can hurt anyone anymore.
i dont think i cant open up my life to anyone anymore too. and even if i do, i shouldn't care abt anything else other than just earning more money so that i can bring mother poon out for more hols and let her live a more comfortable life.


as always, i turn to God for strength. i'm disgusted that when with you, i didn't put God as my priority, only running towards Him only when i think i needed Him since u were always the first option. while with you, i always prayed for God to be a foundation for us and to tear down the walls inside your heart. perhaps God has other, and always better plans for us, but i'll need to learnt to accept that in faith. my faith has been shaken a little abit, but its good that i still know that God hasn't left me. most of the times, i feel so undeserving to be going to God with all my problems, but through this whole episode, God still shines through.

i find that amazing though. its like, i feel like my think layered and thickened mud, built by all my insecurities and hurt has blocked His light. but somehow, His light is so damn strong that it shines through all the cracks. the harder i become, the brighter God tries to shine through. He is my saving Grace and i think God that those N. Thailand mission trips has been my eternal validation that God is real.

its like, before i can even question if God is real, He is real. there's like no doubt about that since things dont just happen is such sequences. coincidental or not, there is a certain extent that faith is the truth. as mentioned a thousand times on my blog, i hope that my blog can encourage ppl and bring joy to ppl, hope that my life can lead by example.

as of now, i'm still disgusted by who i am. i know that i'm a child of God and it makes it all more confusing. i'm not trying to comprehend how deep God's love He has for us. but i just hope that i can be a better person for Him and mother poon.
i dont want your horrible actions to be my final validations; so i really need God's strength on this.
i still love you and hope that u're well. i just hope that u dont hurt anyone else anymore and i'm also glad that she has God with her. i just hope that God can continue to use her and work with her even more to heal whatever brokenness u have in this world, and eventually see what love is all about.
though i haven't got a clue to what love all really is about, one thing for sure is that my love for you isn't enough or 'right' for u. perhaps u didn't love me for who i am in the beginning, whether it is intentional or not, and i dont think i'm in any position to question anything about us.

i'll still be keeping u in my prayers every night. and i dont think forcing u out my thoughts is going to be kind on myself. perhaps it is not being fair to whoever is with u now, but i just want to keep this part for myself. i still miss u very much and i hope to stop all of this nonsense forever and focus on more important things in life.


hang on little fighter,
just one step at a time.
even if that one step takes another 10yrs, it's still a step worth hoping for.

We Started Out As Far Away Ones.

we started out as far away ones,

even further now with the same setting suns.