just ytd, it was 2017.
i'm moving into this new year with a very heavy empty heart actually.
2017, i had someone special to build good memories with, and towards to end, good memories become a reflection of the deep resurfacing sadness that i've been trying to evade from.
indeed, i will never be able to 'ready' for a relationship, nor i can embrace love in any directions; going in or out.
as i'm typing this, my mind and heart are finally functioning as a unit - in a swivel, going in all places but actually going nowhere. it seems that everything mattered doesn't seem to matter anymore, dissipating its purposes into thin air; just like oxygen. its always there, never seen, never heard, odourless, but necessary.
before i start sinking into deeper depths of undeserving self-pity, i just want to thank God for 2017 all in all. trying to recall all of God's mercies and grace in such a state is really difficult, but let's just try for the sake of this customary New Year post.
i haven't been blogging nor posting much of my life on social media too, but let's just try recalling.
2017.
1) i rmbr starting the year with facing some post-effects of a social media hype. wasn't easy, not because of being 'popular' or what but, HR issues. work issues. political issues. wasn't easy at all. but of the positives, i did receive alot of validation on my decision towards my current job. true enough, the whole year wasn't easy at all, but i managed to stay semi-rooted on it. may not be exactly the best option, but least i know mother poon is proud of it.
2) legit life didnt change much apart from the usual work and sch. the good news is that in the 2nd sem, i really studied alot and managed a A+, A+, A, B-. hahas its a feat that i'm proud enough to document it down here coz it pulled up my GPA alot. i dont think i can get such grades again, i mean, coz out of the 4 mods i took, one was Airport planning and the other was Finance, both being management mods. hahas. well, one of the A+ goes to Thermodynamics though. 2018 is gg to be the toughest sem of my entire life. we'll talk about tt later.
3) Adventures... hmm. Mt Ophir and Fansipan. kinda regretted that i didn't blog much about my trips these few years. really hope to share my experience with ppl who are interested or seeking information to do such stuff.
4) i did more runs, also because i have a gd running buddy. Went msia to do Spartan races and TNF Outdoor challenge. also because of that, i travelled more to msia, and also visited Batam for massage because of the free ferry tickets from DFS. oh yes, i went Legoland!
5) somehow managed to spend more time with the fam. idk how i did it, perhaps work schedule was kinder, but i just did it even though i had another person in my life to share with.
6) didn't go church. but i was seeking God in my quiet moments. not every diligent about it, just selfish-ly seeking him when i was facing troubles.
7) did abit of a financial progression despite not doing much to expand my salary (not doing OT coz of sch)... got some investment insurance and invested with my CPF. trying to close my ocbc Frank account to get the 360 account and the 365 cc to harness on better interest and rebates. and because of all these, was more aware of necessary life financial stuff like taxes, cpf and all those which i really hate to read about coz there's just too many fine prints.
8) was madly in love. and had to get out of it eventually.
so... looking back on the goals which i set for myself in 2017 which can be found here, i guess.. lets not look back. tbh, i wasn't committed on the details at all because besides spending time with mother poon, u were the next priority other than sch and work.
MOVIING ON,
well, i still should keep my directions clear and focused.
1) gd grades for sch. really. 2018 will be the 3rd yr of sch. and for the upcoming sem, i'm doing 4 core engineering mods which is mad because for every one of them, there's lab lessons. some has additional lab tests and projects. i hope i am looking forward because without a disciplined internal drive, there's no way to complete it especially when work is still a full-time priority. i dont really have much of a choice coz i failed 1electronics mod in year 1, so i really really need all the focus i have.
2) spend more time with Mother poon.
3) stay fit. i mean, my fitness level hasnt been great specially its always been a peak and tough kinda ride with exam periods and stuff like that. but i do hope to dedicate whatever time's left to just do my own runs and fitness sess if i cant make it for club or sch trngs. and i still want to achieve a sub 60min timing for 10km.
4) surrendering all to God. i'm feeling abit gutted that this is placed no. 4. but at this point in time, i dont even dare to put this point as #1. but to me, God shouldn't really be #1, but instead, He should be the center of it all and for every little thing. so really, (not just to validate this but) to put this point at this position shouldn't really matter, perhaps just a mental thing for me to keep point 1-3 more.. up there.
5) there's Airshow coming up, and probably more stuff i want to do, like getting my class 3 driving license or even taking up my CAAS papers, but i think i dont want any of that as additional pressures that could take my focus off point 1-3, and 4. we'll see how it goes. but for this point, i just hope to manage my time more effectively and some how, magically have leaves to travel. oh yes, idk if i'm able to go to Cranfield for the compulsory mod for a about a week this yr. pretty mad- in terms of finances and taking leaves. i mean, i'd probably want to extend for a week before also just to explore. i mean, its UK. i wouldn't spend money on air tickets as of now because of my current financial capabilities. i still have a list of things to do in details, but lets take it step by step.
hmm. abit random, but yea i would like to read more too. hahhaas.
5.5) i hope to blog more, just to document my life abit more, to know wth are my thoughts are at tt point in time, and also just to share my personal experiences.
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2018 indeed. come what may.
many things happened in 2017 but some how they seem to be a blur and unfortunately forgettable.
its really on such days like 31 dec and 1 jan that we seem to be able find that lost i-have-been-trying-to-find-for-the-year strength to renew ourselves and reset our mental state.
so, on this day, hello sportspoon.
mr lim, my teacher in-charge of bowling once told me,
"marian, u're a fighter. where's that fighter now?"
during my B division tournament when i was really struggling to be in line. what he said to me has really really gone a long way in tough times during legit trainings as well.i really dont want to go into that mode where i feel like nobody loves me, or let my issues overcome my priorities. i really dont need that kind of attention, but i just want to pick myself up again and be that independent person whom i can depend on, and probably help others around too.
as for u, i'm pretty sure tt with me out of the way, u'll be able to do better also. i'm rlly not saying this in a spiteful state or what, but really, with ur kind of similar stubborness/ drive, u will be able to achieve many things so long as u set ur mind to do it. that's what i like about u in the first place. though i may not be that person u want in ur life anymore, i just hope u can pursue ur route towards becoming an engineer soon. HR policies always suck, but lets not be deterred.
i can do this, come on.
