Because friends and food matters

abit late, but i just want to rmbr how i spent my wkend of the being a yr older.
a few days prior to my bday, had some issues with work and lost some friends due to rumours.
to me, it really made me reflect and question my thoughts and intentions. perhaps sometimes, some ppl dont need our care and dont need our concern. simply put it, people, whom u think may be ur friends, perhaps dont treat u as one and consider other factors (perhaps time/ money) as more.... important. i mean, theres no wrong or right, and no one can really judge anyone's priorities in life, so for me, i realized perhaps sometimes to be kind to ourselves, we shouldn't be kind to some ppl, or rather, practice a stronger sense of situational awareness when it comes to dealing with people.

so yea, was super down the whole week.
so i guess when u're in such state, ur real friends who really care start to show and u learn to appreciate ppl better and all over again.
so for this week, i felt that it was really God sent and allowed me to accept ppl's hearts. (:



19th sept was a sat morng, my off day before i start my morng shift on my bday.
i really didnt feel like gg out or meeting anyone. but esteeloiqz was really persistent and really, i never regretted a moment spent with her and her.. hubby. hahahas. awws.
i've had eggs ben cravingg for the longest time.. probably had it for a few months alrdy and i can't rmbr when. so she brought me out to  Roadhouse at Dempsey and gave a me a bday treat. awwws.
she gave me a crumpler toiletry bag knowing i like bags with compartments... and one of the best handmade cards. i mean, in this era, who would actually patiently cut out images right off the edges. really amazing and its all of my fav things.

really thank God for her and i'm gg to miss her badly when she goes to Arizona for 2 yrs.

after that, i went to meet my disney princess gang who decided to bring me out to eat affordable atas fine dining food.

other than the super ex beef steak i've eaten at Gordon's grill, this is one of the best beef that actually cooks on the hot stone. super amazing. ahhad. and also because i talk alot of rubbish and since its my bday, the waiter kindly treat me to all of other deserts that we did not order (like about additional 3) and a piece of bday cake with very nice choco word design.

i will save money and bring mother poon here one day.

i love food. and i love my friends.

and so 20th sept. my morng shift. 6am - 4pm. most hated shift coz i hate waking up at 5am.

but, it was memorable coz #airbuschan gave me his toolbox with his tools! hahhas. he was the last engineer batch to receive company tools. and yea, since as a tech i would need more tools than he does, he gave me his, on his bday.

and this was really timely. coz on that day, the afm was totally nasty and not professional about clarifying with me when i humbly asked him if he had anything to ask me.  to me, as an afm or a senior individual, when u hear things about people, it is only right and legit that u clarify or at least hear first hand info rather than being bias and unprofessional in problem solving. i trusted him, used to but i guess he has lost my respect. i might give him another chance if he his willing to open his ears and listen, if not, forget it coz its not worth my effort. so when another collegue asked me what happened, i cried (again). hahas. for this matter, i think i cried 3 times and i think its becoming stupid.

perhaps my friends mean more to me that i thought. but well, sometimes we gotta let go whats worth letting go and this a skill that i've not learnt for years. though memories dont change, people do and i have to rmbr that. also, after all work is still work and ppl are there to earn money.

so at night, went dinner with my climbing/biker/photog friends.
these are the friends that i travel with alot and do silly things together.
was supposed to be a surprise, but jo, being honest jo, just can't pull it off. ahhahas. soo... surprise!

and thanks for the belaying device! always wanted this coz i think its a very comfortable belaying device though its not really an auto-lock system.

(:

so yea. interesting that i was able to meet key groups of ppl in my life over the wkend. there's still the IMF gang and my fav amanda and SZ. (:

i really thank God for people like these home i know i'd be growing up with even if we have our own families in the future. even if we are gg to have lesser time for each other, all the times spent tgt are just so worthwhile and i really want to thank God for everything.

despite all that, i still missed those 3 individuals who have probably forgotten my bday. but that's ok, at least it doesn't get so painful in the future. 

fix planes

just finished a warm late bath and i asked myself, why do i need to explain myself so much?

i didn't owe anyone an explanation because i didn't do anything wrong / right. 

over these 48hrs, i've been thinking quite abit. more so to really try and rationalize things out and try and discover wtf is going on.

at this point of time, there's nothing much left i can fight for anyway.

so i realized, indeed, some guy stirred shit.

and thus, i've lost friends to rumours. 

initiially, i found myself fighting to try and keep the friends whom i've trusted.

then i realized i was fighting to clear my name.

then after much struggle, i asked myself, wtf am i doing.

there's nothing much worth fighting for if the people whom u've trusted all these while haven't been trusting you but instead, believed in some rumours that exaggerated one's need to feel that they deserve better.

i mean look at it, on the whole, i dont benefit out of doing whatever i have supposedly done, and in fact, i'm also a victim coz i lose my chance of doing OT.

clearly, there's one person who beneifts out of this whole saga just because he's on office hours and dont get to do OT.

and yup, he's done it successfully, but have taught me lots of life lessons about the people around you.

taking a step back, i just find this hilarious.

before deciding to step into this technician route, i told myself not to be distracted and affected by small talks such as shit pay, shit shift or shit opportunities because when i was dealing with bigger aviation problems than all these, i was constantly being reminded of having the need to focus my attention and energy on productivity and ensuring that those working on the ground enjoy their work; or at least do their job properly so that safety can never be compromised.
i mean when i was doing that 'office job', i've dealt with some issues regarding such stuff and i always asked why cant ppl just work together and not be so calculative. some of the techs have come up to me and tell my their story hoping that i could do something. but you know in life, what the management sees and what the ground sees are always at both end of the spectrums. and feeling caught in the middle, i always wished that i understood the ground better.

so technically, i believed that by spending time more on the ground and actually be on the ground, i was able to understand the workflow better.

i dont think that is wishful or naive thinking.

perhaps i'm just wasting my time, but i think this is worth it though its very much a longer route for me and since keeping passengers safe is key as well.

but yea, now that i'm in this shit which i once saw was a no-brainer issue, have now been amplified to be smacked right in my face. there u go. that's the depth of the simple problem.

so really, why am i so angry and disappointed?

perhaps its really not abt anything tangible but just overwhelmed that 'my bros' aren't my bros anymore.

but that's ok. 

i just have to remind myself, work is work. politics exist and people who are either jealous of u or just want to climb up will resort to all means to bring you down.

i really dont have to quit working hard or bend my principles just to gain acceptance from friendships that are based on money or personal benefit. it shouldn't work this way. i shouldn't work that way.

so today, i went to climb with noel and suan, hoping that those tough routes were enough to tire my mind out and take away the stress. it was successful for a while till i conversed with some people over whatsapp regarding this whole saga.

feeling reallly beaten and overwhelmed by disappointment and now mainly frustration, i went to my room and cried because i didn't want mother poon to see me cry. i actually planned to bring her out for dinner coz she was craving for mookata since my OT got cancelled as well today. 

but i knew if i went out with her, it wouldn't be a happy meal. besides, i dont feel like eating. thats how bad it was. u know i'm always feeling hungry and love to eat, so for me to feel this way, it must be some deep shit gg on inside.

so after i'm done with clearing out my emotional shit into my pillow and the B744 stuffed-toy given to me by my fav engineer, i went back out to the hall again to play candy crush as if nothing as happened.

just then, someone knocked the door....

mother poon was hesitant to open it coz fearing its some super persistent salesman or scary stranger coz it was after pretty late at night. so i went to check the peephole to see who was that...

and omgg......

ong shao zong. (amanda was in the car downstairs to fend off summon aunties)

he surprised me with lego! and some more its a plane. and some more, its a fire/rescue plane that can turn into a jet. felt likka small kid, being so bloody happy over some toy being present to me.

haha no la. 

was just very very very very and extreeemeelly touched coz they have no idea how shitty i was feeling.

their plan was to surprise me coz they thought i wasn't home and both of them know mother poon and vice versa. 

so so so so touched. really thank God for my fav couple friends. i'm not a bday person and i dont rmbr anyone's bday except for mother poon's. (sometimes i'm still confused over my sis and dad's bday, till now) so i thank God for friends who aren't calculative and materialistic. 

the thought really means so much to me. 

so yea, since i can't fix planes at the apron tonight, i shall be fixing a plane at home tonight.

< 3

---

God's timing is always so perfect.

when i was really stressed, i prayed for peace. 

and perhaps i was too anxious and thinking about my plight, i couldn't be still. 

i tried to remind myself that God will not allow trials what u couldn't bear and surely, He is with you. 

but in such times when people are consistantly trying to use u as their scrum machine, it is damn bloody tough. 

and perhaps, because i was too caught up with myself and work, i haven't given up my time for Him.

it has always been about how i felt, how my friends felt, how much i could learn about aircraft.

i haven't placed much effort in thinking about how He felt, how i could learn more about Him or at least listen to what He has got to say for me.

so tonight, i'm really humbled and reminded. 

also, because of the fact that i was drawing away from God, i was losing my sight as a Christian. 

perhaps my actions weren't Christ-like as all my upsetting thoughts were just centered about me being betrayed, me being backstabbed, me losing my friends.

imagine what Jesus went through prior to cruxification. probably thousands of time worser than this, and i dont thing any human can fathom. 

so tonight, i want to give thanks to God.

thank you for the lessons and i pray that in His time, things will fall according to what He has planned. 

if i have to lose my friends, so be it.

if i have to lose my collegues, so be it.

if i have to lose my job, so be it.

all these shouldnt matter if it isn't pleasing to Him.

i will try to learn and reflect on my faith and my walk with Him.

nobody wants to understand

i'm blogging now because i'm just very very disappointed and upset.
i need you right now.
and before i start to msg you for comfort, i rather blog it out all here before i send out text msges that i cant retrieve back.

so lets get straight to the point.
saw a fb post and i can't help to link it to me coz there's not many girls around at work and i fit the profile for being a girl and junior, and in the same dept.
basically, just from the post, it seems that i've done/said something to cause someone to lose a chance to work for OT. so, upon looking at the post, i had to reflect on what i've said and done over these few days, to see if i'm did anything wrong. i mean honestly, what good do i get out of it if everyone loses OT? i wouldn't want to lose mine too right. i just thought that yea, i can't be controlling what u post, but i thought friends should be honest with each other.


so anyway. this is my case.
this morng, my mando asked me if i want to come in for OT tmr night since they're down in numbers. of course i wouldnt reject an opportunity to learn and get more money right. who doesn't like OT. but i was scared to say i wanted coz my manager told me that as newly passed outs, we can come in for OT only after 3-6 mths, so i told my mando of my worries. he told me not to worry and he went to talk to my afm. so after that, my afm came to ask me if i wanted OT, of course i said yes and then told him my concerns. so he told me not to worry and just standby for the msg.

so yea. thats about it.

i dont know HOW that can lead up to me, not "understanding the chain of commands"  and being "narrow, selfish, and big headed". really sorry for quoting fb posts coz i think this is a childish way to rebutt. but really, i cannot not be angry for being accused of the things that i did not do.
i dont expect everyone to like me, but i dont like to get misunderstood and to take the blame for wrong things that i did not do.

to analyze this whole shit rationally, what i think is, because after every OT submission, it'll lead up to the manager for approval. and of course, if the manager sees that we're getting OT after being in the dept for just over 1 month, he'll have his reservations. ok maybe since i'm the only girl in the dept, my name would naturally stand out from the OT list, and hence be noted. but i can't be apologizing that my girly name stands out for a list of guy names right.


i just think this whole snowball shit is just gg on too big.
initially i thought i could ignore and turn a blind eye since i'm here in the company just to work and not make friends right. but to be blamed and said like that, i cannot take it la. if i did something bad, ok fine, i take it. but right now, i didnt.
in fact all these while at backend, i've been trying to help my batch as a whole, get opportunities to learn during our OJT and even after we passed out. some worked, some backfired. so am i supposed to get blamed for trying to help and failed at doing so?


i'm just feeling very betrayed and backstabbed now because i thought these grp of guys are my friends. i guess its my wishful thinking. haha. i thought if guys didn't like you, they'll not be pretentious about it and just downright straightforth in your face and tell you they hate you. hahas. but it guess guys are just like girls. its all a facade. one moment they can be all smilely and all, but behind, they can be bad mouthing u and all the shit. like what i've said, i dont expect the everyone to like me, but i cannot take it if i'm being accused of doing things i've not done.


in this world, the bad gets amplified and everyone likes to be looked upon at in a situation where we seem to be at the losing end for whatever reasons for comfort. but if we're gg to believe every shit that other ppl stir, then i think all these time, its not about friendships or trust, but just the fight to survival. what's more, we dont rationalize nor try to find ways to justify but believe on 2nd hand info, or worst still, shit info that's being generated just to stir shit.



many ppl know that i'm very passionate about wanting to learn more about aircraft, wanting to learn more. and for this, i realize that there's actually a choice quotient here- to choose between work passion or friendship. i try to make use of every min at work to learn more about things and honestly, i dont think theres a problem with that. is it wrong?
during our first OJT, even before gg to read the AMM, out of courtesy i actually jokingly ask them "are you guys gg to judge me if i want to read the AMM?"... coz i knew that it wouldn't look nice if i'm finding things to do while everyone is resting. they also jokingly said "ya la ya la poonz, we gg to judge u coz u nerd what".
so yea, since i got the clearance, just do lor.
and even during the work itself, i got thousands of questions to ask. sometimes i dont ask coz it would make my work partners seem uninterested. and when i'm given a chance to work on things, i share it even if it means to lose my time spent on gaining experience for myself.
i mean, i dont want to sound calculative and all, but if all these 'sacrifices' were in vain, then right from the start, i should have been selfish since now, i'm being seen as selfish. its like, i feel that the more i try to help or think for others, i lose out in the end. so why bother trying so hard. why must i think of them before making actions?

sometimes, when some of the snr uncles call out to me "eh! Poon daughter.." and start conversing with me, i actually feel bad. coz it seems that i'm being favouritize and that they 'dont get the same opportunity', and it gets awkward when they're just beside me. i mean, my dad has passed away and now i'm in the same dept with me. the only solution that i have for this is to not work in this company, aka. to leave. it's not legit right. what you want me to do.


you know, just to share, there's one day tt i really decided that i should tone down since being active would make my friends look passive. and so on that very day, just that very first day when i decided to tone down, i got pulled to one side and got scolded. "why u so free? nothing to do? cant find job are? now you all trainees you all expect ppl to feed you ah". OMG i tell you. that day i felt damn wronged. ask to do job also kena. dont ask also kena. perhaps i should have shared this incident to my batch mates so they would understand where i was coming from. i received certain feedback and things from ppl, i could have told you all but i didn't want to dampen ur spirits at work so i didn't. perhaps i should have been honest. then again, if i told them what ppl told me, they would judge me again.. "what am i trying to do".. "trying to think she's boss ah". tough life huh. do also kena. dont do also kena.

so if i tried to be calculative, these are my options:
1) to not work hard for my career just to salvage some friends whom dont see me as friends,
2) to continue to work hard in my career, and lose my friends whom dont see me as friends
of course if u're a logical person, u'd choose the latter at least you dont lose out at both ends, coz i get to still keep my career prospects when in both cases, i dont get to keep my friends anyway.


actually the problem here now is not about working styles or opportunities. the issue here is that i can't believe my friends whom i thought so were, hasn't really been honest with me all these while.
if right from the start they were to come clean with me, perhaps the friendship could still exist. why i could still affirm that there was once even a chance of friendship was because of the phuket trip and the first few initial months when we started. we were truly happy and could talk about everything and how we felt abt anything.
things changed when we started OJT and all. it was clear. and it was un-spokenly drastic. and clearly, our friendships didn't pass the survival test. the friendships couldn't overcome work related issues.


so at the end of the day, maybe u guys should have outcasted me just like how everyone (including me) outcasted projectrunaway. at least i wont' hurt that much and knew what to fight for instead for putting in so much effort for everyone. i must rmbr that not everyone wanted my help. i probably overlooked this.
i suspected this whole saga since we started OJT. i mean, i've been trying to create legit whatsapp group so that information can be passed down properly, but somehow ppl would leave and there are obvious follow-through conversations that happened in class. i mean, we spend most of our time tgt and i'm not that oblivious. i just chose not to speak up and not to force u guys to like me or accept my efforts or smth. but today, i just need to let this out. i'm not blind and its not that i dont care. i chose to do this amicably since we're all here to pass out and start work proper.


so i guess the lesson learnt today is, we should not be overly helpful and practice more situational awareness with selfish intent. sometimes, we really need to be more selfish because at the end of the day, everyone fights for their own survival.
reasons why i chose this technician path is because:
1) i can't be an engineer / the company doesn't recognize my papers
2) i want to work like my dad and be in the same company as my dad.
3) i like to fix stuff and planes.
4) my focus should not be on making friends, and if true friendships are being fostered along the way, then its a bonus.
and actually, i really shouldn't be bothered because people have the rights to say that they want to say, spread what they want to spread be it with the truths or lies. actions speak louder than words, just that words spread faster than actions. i guess i need to be patience and clear on what i should be doing at work instead of being distracted.


but right now, i need advice. what should i do really? what are. the wrongs have i done or rather, do list down the actions that i've done wrong and kindly let me know. you can publicly post on my fb wall or privately text me coz i always (and still trying to) believe in honesty being the best policy.
i dont like being wronged and accused.

the little shots we take

hi. its about a month of hiatus from here.
have been working. have been resting. have been seeking.

haven't been blogging. i guess as i start to creep into the next few phases in my life, the time i spent blogging out all my thoughts would be lesser. also, i've turned to instragramming the moments out, not because i really want to, but its because its just more convenient though i'm not too comfortable with how public it can get.

so anyways, whats up.
hahas. just working, hoping that the guys in my department can get used to working with a girl. its funny how they were actually paranoid as to how i was gg to fit in and all. and because of my tom-boyish nature, i guess now they gotta try harder to learn how to be comfortable with me. some of the.. 'struggles' they tried to share with me was like how they had to maintain on the profanities, vulgarities, dirty jokes or just simply working as themselves. its like they say... "if i'm nice to a girl, she think i like her, if i'm not nice, she say i dont care abt her". ahhahs. well yes, thats legit. but dont worry i wont think like that. hahahahs. along they way, as i moved around and communicated as how i would usually would, they're starting open up. i guess such things really take time and you can't expedite it.

some of the few events that happened.. (just gonna pull out some shots from instagram. hahas)

Estee and Zehong's ROM! (:

so so so so happy for her.

i'm gg to miss her quite badly coz she's gg to Arizona as zh is gg to be sent there for trng. can't imagine a long phase of life without meeting up with this one. ):

also we had a full flight crew. engineer, technician, pilot and airstewardess. ahhas.

also did a quick pre-engagement shoot for her the road at changi aviation park. ahhas. anything with lalangs looks good. this is their fav shot. hahas.

yep. and WTL season has started!

glad to be able to play for the month of sept. the league will last till nov. and since i'm on shift, my shift pattern is not in favour of free-ing up my saturday afternoons. ):

better have fun while it last.

last wkened, also help my dance sch to shoot the CSTD competition.
so proud of olly and cindy who got Champions for their respective category, especially olly. she's damn talented. even before she went up on stage to compete, i told my tap tchr ms susan, aka her mother, that she's gonna win it. if she doesn't, means the judges is more dancey than technique. olly's got technique and a unique swag if u know her and see her dance.

lastly, today had a rugby shoot for an ad. hahahhas. totally doing it for the money. imagine if i had $ to every trng i go....... ahhahs i'm gonna be freaking rich. hahas. but it was fun while it lasted with fake rain and haze and all. the scenes and footages we manage to catch a glimpse of at the camera's screen was so amazing and epic. hahahas. didn't know we could look so epic and hardcore. hahahaas.

but as a photographer, i learnt alot too. secretly looked at the setup, the lenses, effect and all. they are really amazing. especially with the lens and water flare all. its not like the filters you simple use on ur mobile gadgets. this is legit guys. hahahahs.

yea. then there was the SIAEC bowling tournament last friday too. honestly, i thought i could own the ladies category. HAHAHS. i mean, i trained competitively for almost a decade can. but ya la, long time no train, but still, i believe can la. hahahas. until................ i met this auntie. last yr's champ. ahhahahs. she's pretty consistent and the oiling pattern was in her favour. the lanes were abit jumpy for me since i'm a hook bowler while she throws it straight and consistently straight. hahas. 3 games, i was down on 2 and up on the last one. the last game was almost neck in neck. i just needed that strike to have a turkey on the 7th frame while she had an open frame.... but... i also opened it. hahahahs. one more chance was on the 10th frame. was surprised that she opened it... but i needed to strike home to win it. but........ i also opened it. HAHAHS. my mental game totally wasn't competition ready. i can't rmbr all the scores coz it was so darn low. last game was like 159 or smth. ahhas during my trng days, a 159 would be considered as a shitty score coz we were easily bowling like 170 180s. now, 159 i happy siol. ahhahhaas.
anyway, was fun since for the last game, it was cosmic bowling. means they used neon blue uv lights to bowl. the techno music was kinda irritating though. hahas.

yea. can't rmbr any more events off hand for now.


onto Singapore news.
haze is back.
and Polling day was just over, last fri Sept 11.

i must say, with all the #SG50 hype and LKY's passing, this yr's General Election was pretty epic.
i mean, we can attribute it to the rise in the accessibility and the usage of social media as compared to 5 yrs ago and hence the increase in the involvement... but i guess, it's also because of the passing of LKY that there was also more effort from the opposition side to make some noooisseee.
as a general outlook, towards polling day, honestly, the atmosphere felt like that landscape was shifting in favour of the opposition, especially towards the worker's party.
however when come the results...it has shown that votes have 'swung' towards the PAP side.

the psychology guy on the news explained that it was something like a reverse-psychology effect (i cant rmbr the term he used). he explained that because it seemed that the opposition was so strong, supporters of the opposition whom wanted to vote to the opposition were also afraid that the PAP would lose their seats and not make up the majority.. so they ended up voting for PAP.
sounds legit though, but quite disappointing.

ok for me, i've always been a pro-govt kinda person. not because i'm afraid or have a nonchalant attitude to who governs sg, but so far, i believe the policies have helped this island grow alot over these 50 yrs. of course, there are some policies that aren't.. 'kind' in our favour, but we can't expect a government striving to be perfect to try and conform to all the complaints from singaporeans. certainly there's always room for improvement, and we all need to be patience abt it.

but honestly, throughout this period of campaigning and nomination, i've seen some strong individuals that is worth my vote. i haven't really listened to all the speakers and all, but my friends and i actually when for one rally. it was the final one by the workers party held at bedok stadium which ended about 2hrs before it was cooling day (no form of campaigning till results).

hahahs. ok, 3 reasons why i went:
1) we all wanted to be part of a #GE2015 #SG50 rally and say that we're part of it. HAHAS.
2) since it's at bedok stadium, why not (just need to walk from my house)
3) ok, i wanna hear what the opposition has got to say for their final words
4) last one. go lor.
5) friends jio, go lor.

hahas. i believe many ppl went there also so for such... directionless reasons. hahas. hence explaining the inverse correlation between no. of 'supporters' at the rally vs the votes being casted for the supporting party.


here's my few cents worth...
personally, we all shouldn't be voting based on the 'branding' of the parties or which party we really want to win. come on. there's 89 seats, and at this point of time, i can confidently say that PAP will have a strong foothold as the majority, so chill. there are some individuals whom i believe, can have a voice in the parliament just to make those meetings more constructive. we need some opposition / competition to grow. so instead of looking at the big picture, i guess for now we can safely look at the micro side of things.

also, there's a huge handful of older folks out there who dont care about what's gg on in the media, who's doing what or who wants to do what. for all these yrs, they hold on to trust and belief that the PAP is the best and their decisions will be the best and will forever have that drive of the late LKY. well i can't deny the fact that PAP has done well by looking at the outlook of our country.. but we all must rmbr that LKY is not equal to PAP. having said that, back then, the PAP was an opposition party just as well.

but yea, we can never know for sure right.
hearing some of the rallies, it can be quite 'politically dangerous' as it seems that all the voting is based on the rallies. not many ppl will act base on deep thought and careful evaluation. the bulk of humans like to act on irrational impulse just because it is always more comfortable to listen to our heart. so, individuals who are strong public speakers wins the hearts and hence, the votes. it is ok if these individuals are people of the ground, people who really care for the heart of singaporeans. but it can really be dangerous if all these talk becomes empty promises, killing all hopes just because of his/her own selfish desires to want to be part of the government.

scary hurh. our future, being based of 89 ppl.
quite funny interesting to see some individuals who strutted in too. HHH. hahahhs. and the other guy-who-got-his-citizenship from duno where. oh yea, and the other yousurewin-guy who got disqualified because he didn't read the rules from his election handbook. HHAHA. but yea, y not for a few seconds of fame hur. hahhahahas.


but yes, throughout these 2 weeks, we've learnt alot about ourselves; as individuals, and as a country.
generally, i can say that we're still pretty much a fearful bunch, but that's ok. whatever shit that's being stirred via social medias, i always believe its good coz its just people expressing their thoughts and vocalizing them via images. its because people care, that they would bother to take time to do anything good/bad. so lets just embrace it and have a  good laugh altogether. we can respond, but lets not be agitated or be swayed by anything that's out to break the peace and harmony of this country. this should apply to any legal bodies, but of course, everything has to be done in a legit way luh.

so yea. i can go on, but i wanna blog about 1 last issue in my life.


---


hahas. actually, i decided to write today because i just wanna vomit out all my shitty r/s struggles.
my heart has always been caught up with all these imissyou thoughts. its irritating, but well, trying to draw some good out of it, at least it keeps me in check that i'm still a legit girl after all. haha. i mean, sometimes i do question myself since i'm quite tomboyish and can't seem to behave like a legit lady.
but yea, because now that i somehow feel liberated (perhaps its an effect from the #GE2015 AHHAHAHS), better vomit all the shit out while i still can.

and so, mainly... (i am ashamed to say that) there's 3 guys in 1 small heart of mine.
and because there's 3 people i can't let go of, i can't seem to move on in life. not that i'm seeking, but it makes me feel like i'm an indecisive player. actually, i want to stop running away but i cant. so i hope this blogging therapy works.

to just share (and try to be concise since its pretty late alrdy) and finally be open about it after all these yrs of blogging a 'him' and all..


person A.
he was the first. a best friend, a growing-up bestest bro whom we both decided to take a step further. it was serious, but probably a wrong move. i admired him alot. everything went on well for a few yrs. the best of my yrs. and because of a miscom (in my opinion) that we didn't know how to manage it well, we left each other and have never spoken to each other ever since. honestly, it seems like it left my life hanging. for a longgg period of time, i was still thinking about him everyday. there was one cny that even though after we went separate ways, his mum still gave me an angpow. all my decisions in life centered around him even though he wasn't suppose to be significant anymore. i've written a few letters (not just 1. like handwritten. not sms/whatsapp kind ok) to him, not seeking for a reconciliation, but just a request to clear things up (so that i can move on in life) but he wasn't responsive. i guess as a guy, he would be thinking that i wanted to patch things up or smth.
it has been 8yrs now, and i cant seem to break him off entirely which becomes a problem to whoever comes along.

a few guys came along but i just couldn't move on because i am clear that i wasn't ready to move on entirely and it wouldn't be right correct.
and so, there was mainly...


person B.
he taught me alot of things. he was my engineer. our thoughts were very much in sync, sometimes so freaky to a point where i question myself if he was my long lost brother. we had common interests and views in life. i respected him alot and have learnt alot from him. its like, i could share with him almost about anything. even in times when i was confused about myself, he seemed to be able to straighten out my thoughts. hahas. he was very experienced, very understanding, and clear. though we're both pretty much stubborn, he gives me room to make decisions on my own.... until it became a point that we had to decide how we wanted to move on. because of person A, and because i wasn't sure entirely, i couldn't risk it. i was afraid that i would lose him entirely (as with person A) if it didn't go well. and because by then, the way we communicated weren't entirely as 'just as friends', i had to be fair to him too. he wanted me to make a choice to move on or not be friends at all. i couldn't decide for a very very long time coz i didn't see a problem with just being good friends the way we were. but he had a point too, to either see him as more than friends or not at all. so yea, it was a hard one, but in the end, i lost him too.



by then, it took him to make me realize that i was afraid to fall in love all over again.
and also, i questioned if can platonic relationship with a guy can still exist.



person C.
most recent. it was pretty quick how things escalated via twitter dm. HAHAS. it was random, but very pleasant to able to find someone to be msging everyday and keeping a check (and not annoying) to be asked "how's ur day". but as simple as it is, it became very comfortable over these 2 months. and because the shadows of Person A and B have been loitering in my heart for the longest time, i became afraid.
even before anything could happen, i added in all kinds of disclaimers to ensure that our r/s was purely based on a friendship one even though i realize that i was becoming more dependent on his msges as the days go by.  (perhaps i should regret it) it was to an extent that on somedays though i just wanted to msg him, i told myself not to because i knew that i was starting to care for him on a not-just-a-friend level. we met up on 3 occasions in total just because i missed him and couldn't show it. so i talked to him abt work, my life and so on. i wanted to hear more from him, like about his life and thoughts but i felt that there was a wall. i'm not sure if its because of the disclaimers that he was refraining himself, but he never really explained why. perhaps i was just being sensitive. as i continue to build more walls, and constantly remind myself of what Person B has taught me, i forced myself to stop msging him even though i desperately wanted to. he probably got it, as much as i didn't want him do, so we stopped msging just like that. but the whole positive thing of it is that at least nothing happened and i get to still keep this friend. i mean if he really wanted to, he could have msg me right, then again, it would mean that he didn't care abt my disclaimer. haha. such chains i put on ppl and myself uh. in the end, everything becomes just so... quirky. idk how to explain it. as much as i miss him alot, i know where i have to stand though we both didn't say anything about this whole episode.
perhaps we were both hurting and made use of each other. i wouldn't mind being used if it helps to heal, so i should just rest my case with that.



so from this whole episode, i realize i might some serious issues in life. hahas.
idk if this is a common girl problem or something that should seek legit help with.
but to take a step back and look back at all these past relationship and almost relationships, i'm happy to be where i am now. i'm learning to be independent and starting to thrive in solitude. i'm not sure if its a good thing, but at least its not so painful when i'm feeling alone now. perhaps its a form of escapism. but why not since i'm not ready to commit to anything else other than Mother Poon and my job that i love. since i've asked for it, i should just live with it right.

this yr has been abit more special because i'm learning to think more for myself rather than always spending time to help others. you know, it is ok to help others and not to be appreciated; but it is NOT ok if you help others, and they exploit you in the end and from a kind deed, it becomes your responsibility and your shit.
i'm not sure if i'm becoming more selfish in this way, but at least it protects me from all the possible losses. such things can't really be counted, but at least it can be safeguarded.


so for the little shots we take in life be it with voting for legit shit, sending texts to ppl we care, or just picking up a little FOD from the floor and throw it into a bin, i have no good advice to give.
all i can say is that we have to continually give our best in whatever we do, wherever we are.
if our best isn't enough, lets learn to let go and focus on other things that require our attention.
i'm still learning how to do that. pray for me. i need to let go. i dont want to suffocate myself.


for now, blogging is my best friend even though if no one reads it.
i honestly dont care who reads it, but blogging helps to sort my thoughts and digest stuff that i dont to keep on my mind.