the prep.

one more week to the urbanathlon.

last wk was the normal hectic week.
finally feelin' the weight of being in 2 seasons concurrently..
and i think my physical body got battered down with a 38.7 fever.
i guess all the trng in the rain and then riding home against the wind being soaking wet finally took its toll.

gulped down duno what medicines from mother poon's med box.

last night, while trying to find the thermometer in mother Poon’s room… I stumbled upon a black pouch with a mild alltoofamiliar oil-ish decomposing smell… So I knew whose pouch was it.. Opened it to find some old coins and some old cards. 

Some of the passes have been taken back by the respective authority, so finding this was quite a surprise. Feeling quite sick and not looking forward to facing a day in sch with not so pleasant ppl. But upon seeing this, it really did assured my course of study and the direction that I’m heading towards. (: proud so say that he’s a well liked t/l of Charlie shift. And I’m secretly hoping to meet his old friends in the airside if they’re still around. ✈

the pills really knocked me out totally and i had a very goood sleep. in the morng, the throat was a killer. the phlegm was gross with bloodish colour. erks.

and otw to sch today, was just thinking about my dad and i think i really miss him. i teared along the way and was quite freaked out that i was being emotional just like that. siaow.

maybe its the virus getting on me.

anyways. finally made my application to siaec last wed. hope to hear from them soon.

ok. and so. friday...

hahahahahahhahahas. 

hilarious. was working normally. for some reason, lotsa orders. totally no time to even eat dinner. but was good coz i got lotsa tips! so when i tweetted about my trips, one of my friend retweeted his friend's tweet. HAHAHAHS. i dun think i'm the only female delivery girl in sg, maybe just for Popeyes for now. i'm sure there's more at mac's side; know of 1 vietnamese lady rider working at bedok reservior's hub.

then sat was the games. won the Ladies game. lost the Mixed while being up against one of the stronger teams in the field. well played and we'll go up from there.

went to collect the race pack for urbanathlon at Athlete's Circle at boon tat st.

then went to the Central to try and get my faulty earphones fixed. didn't have my receipt, so can't be warrantied. forget it. wasn't willing to spend another sum of money on the same earpiece. the remote's faulty.. it keep skipping the songs and playing by itself. wastes my battery. bah!

finally a late lunch at subway and won a free cookie from the scratch card. HAHAS.

i'm nv lucky, so i'm guessing all the cards are free cookies.

then evening came.

game at CCAB. 

finally played a full game of contact. but the oppo was so lacked in numbers so they had borrow our players to carry on a full 15s game. was quite good actually. 

we won. and 1 more game before the finals in 2 wks.

homed.

crashed.

and sunday. went church. had some meetings.
saw you walking past while we're having lunch at the coffeeshop. unexpected. but my heart (finally) didn't skip a beat this time. nothing of such really interest me now as so to say. i guess i've given up on anything.



ANYWAYS.

and then to the flea with the girls at Singapore National Museum!

lotsa cool vintagey stuff. 

i like this cool bag man.

its by Alchemy Goods (AG). its made from recycle bicycle parts! the tyre's the main mateial so its water-proof though i doubt that it can take on heavy storms.

and the zipper is made from the air valve! the strap's made from a seatbelt!

good job. and some more recycled.

but i'm not paying $165 for it. 

more cool pop up cards...

funky shirts. "CCTV- ah kong is watching u"  ahhahahs

and very very very nice Earl Grey biscuit. freakin' tastes like earlgrey. they probably used the tealeaves or smth.

 super refreshing for a biscuit like that. and they sell lotsa other nice cupcakes and atas deserts. more photos on my fb!

ahahas. then dinner with some of my adventure/ photog khakis. been too long. and we need to do an epic trip soon when we've got the time and moneyy. T'was a good catch up with the guys over the steamboat place, a walk round seng poh road with all the old vintagey houses, and then chilling out at Orange Thimble.

atas tea.

wasn't feeling too good since morng, but managed to be alive throughout the day.

so tadahhhh. hello monday.

likkabooom.

and i made a choice not to go for trng today. i mean i think i'm physically capable of surviving a trng session by evening time. but i know there won't be any good out of it. and plus, it was a thunderstorm outside today. all round Singapore, striking at its infamous peak period traffic.
i needed some physical rest and be of full health asap.
so i stayed in sch. valued my time by studying for M11 exam. tired. but worthwhile.

so some of my drawings in sch.

actually dun really need to draw the system out la. not required but got bored of studying and i needed some form of constructive entertainment.

the hydraulic pump..

and some other instruments..

(:

ok. and this wk is NO SNACKKING WEEK.

sun's the run and i want to be fit for it, not competitively, but just to be able to survive it.

good to be sick now. coz i know once i recover, chances of me falling sick within a wk is lower and almost nil. ahhaas. i'm just more worried for not being able to recover from sat's full game day.

paid attention to the 'experiment' i did this wk and realized that no matter how much warm up/down stretching i do, amount of water i drink, 8 hours of rest is not enough. let alone 5 hrs. - to be ready for the next day.

and infact - i fell sick right on sunday. HAHHAS.

been long since i've gotten a fever. but thank God its just a short one. (:

and yes. i hope my monthly best friend comes now. i dun want it to spill over sunday. coz its just not nice. period. hahahas. word pun there.

ok. reposting some photos of him before i end my night.

good night. 

i am good. 

up from the pit

today's trng felt like it set off my internal alarm system.

quite a fair bit to share though i'm physically quite tired.

felt like i haven't recovered from sat's games.

we had a short but meaningful debrief.

and this is what our coach brought up, word for word, with that deep gusto in her voice.

so true. so real.

i'm tired and i dun feel like blogging much tonight.
but for now, i just wanna say that i'm starting to retrieve back that deep essence towards sports and in particular, rugby, that i've lost long ago w/o me knowing. 

it strayed and got dispersed.
but i believe tt a change is heading towards my direction.


Rugby is not just a sport. its a lifestyle.
and we're not just playing for ourselves, but for the club, for one another.
if we dont give our best and experience all those emotional extremities during a game and have the time of our lives, when are we going to do so.




just stay focused. stay positive.
let our actions be good habits that can be cultivated form good trngs.
channel our efforts and strength appropriately and dont waste it.
especially not on things or people who are just doing the opposite by bringing u down.

packed wkend

another packed wkend.

but well spent.

Sat was maximized to the fullest. 930am till 10pm at turf city.

STL season started, as usual, playing in the Womens and Mixed cate this yr.

first game for the the season, plus after the longgg break for CNY = rough start.
slowly but surely.
won the womens game, but i guess we're still searching for the chemistry.
lost the mixed game. 7-6 to Bucks. we've never lost to them, but we didnt play smart and our middle defense policy was really one of the main casual factors.

then it was about lunch.
studied abit over lunch.
the floodgates of the skies opened again.


soon, it was time to warm up again for the 15s league.
my left thigh cramped up like man. first time.
eminent lightning, but sinfully negligible.
lost. 4 tries to nil. 0-20.
probably the biggest margin against them.
drew them in the last round. lost this round. but we should be meeting them in the finals. and that's probably the game to beat.
):
soaked in the rain right through, the lost was cold. a defeat to be remembered.






then it was bel's bday at walawala.
hesitated to go abit coz i'm so covered with dirt and mud and was physically quite exhausted. no bathing facility or even a proper hose. there's a morng running on the next day so i couldn't skip dinner. bought some sushi from Giant and ate them otw to holland village.


quite a good time spent.
always good to hang out with friends where u can be who you are because even if they judge you, they wont harm u.
bel was totally gone. and i doubt that she can even rmbr the cake that the girls got for her. was good to catch up with ex-teammates as well. (:

left at 2am and my eyeslids were darn heavy. forced myself to sing out loud while riding otw home and because the Zmonster was too potent, i had to intermittently shout out loud so that my voice is loud enough to wake my inner being up to make it home, safely. ahas.


bathe.
put on my trusty Recovery Skins...
and KO-ed even if it means to sleep with wet hair.




managed to wake up on time and headed down a long cold ride to the Zoo. hahahhas
was physically tired from sat's activities but managable.
rare few times that i'm in a running even with friends. meisy, kelvin, weiyu and i made a new friend john! hahas. he's an a/c tech from Saesl!
anyway heing we took part in the 6km fun run cate. weiyu and john ran the competitive 12km route this morng and decided to create a 18km cate by joining us for around round. hahahas.
we walked 90% of the time coz the weather was too chillax. but at the 3km mark, it started to rainn.

first time i literally had sucha fun run with fun rubbish friends. (:

it was also quite a family-ish friendly category. so it was very family oriented. warmth through the cold. about the management of the event, really improved from previous yrs. the management of the crazy traffic esp along mandai road was surprisingly good!
the event tee was dark red while the children had luminious yellowish-green shirt; it was easy to finding any missing child. good planning!
baggage sorting area was also excellent.
nothing much to complain about even though this yr was quite overwhelming as reflected during the mad racepack collection.


rained again otw home and realized i've really missed the sunshine. been training, running, riding in the rain for about maybe 4 consecutive days?
cold.soaked.dirty.unforgivingwind.
thank God that i'm not sick as i'm constantly reminding myself to gulp down sufficient water.


tried to clear some of the photos and vids i owe ppl.
fighting with the heavy eyelids and i gave in for about 20mins.


then it was the long-ago-planned-cny-dinner-cum-gab's-bday. (:
probably my best group mates ever. this group of friends, we're always very open with each other.
we share about everything with each other its really just v comforting to spend time with them.
we've gone through quite abit during the poly times, fighting against the deadlines. all's good.
thank God for them.

-



so yes. now i'm home.
and back to weekday mode tmr.







and just found out.
2 friends got engaged (yuanting & mel)
1 got married (peggy)
1 got pregnant
and a few more distant one who just gave birth.
maddd.
i can officially say that i'm in this phase.
it was since last June that i start getting such news.


Sara's pregnant! my top 5 best friends in my life. omg.
so fast! so excited for her. can't wait for her to yet unfold another chapter in her life.
and :D to see Sam's baby looking alot like a handsome Jeff-jnr.




idk but this month especially, though its all CNY, got lots of changes/updates about marriages, giving births, break-ups, getting together, proposal....
hahas. i dun think its Lee S L 's effort in encouraging more couples and hence the babies for this population quo for a growing independent state, but somehow, its working.






anyway. i'm gg to crash soon.
for i do not want Monday blues to set in.
and i havent thought about tmr's lunch. :/

Valentines Day.

ok now, so after u've collected all ur angpows, dun tell me u're gonna spend them all on a dinner or like
just for someone else whom u deemed special.


hahas. well, its been rainnninggg the whole day.
(i think i've mentioned abt the rain at least for a few blogpost in a row by now)
had to battle the morng heavy downpour to be back at sch. and just as u thought the rain couldn't get heavier, the sky fell and it literally looked as if the floodgates above had opened.


start of the Avionics part of the lesson today.
more interesting than i thought it'd be. but the teacher is clear, and quite to the point; so its easy to understand. though he doesn't follow the lecture notes at all (coz clearly since day 1, materials given from the school just sucks), following his lesson is still good.


anyway, today was just rain. sch. rain. trng. and then rain. homed.
soaked the whole day. coz my jacket was wet, shirt was wet through my SB and even my undies. ): cold and zero-warmth.
with the classroom aircond blowing like mad and having a sucky sch management that keeps the controls and dun allow us to adjust the temp, the word 'frostbite' did occur in my mind. HAHAHS. that extreme; but of course wont la. hahas
finally homed after trng, which we didn't really had a proper trng as usual coz the floodlights didn't come on due to the lightning warning i suppose (yes, we still headed out).
still cold even though we're perspiring.

and..... homed to.... homecooked steak + veggies with my one and only valentine! she did the vegs and of course, me being a self-proclaimed pro, did the steak. hahahs. the pro telling the actual pro that she's pro. ahhas. 不自量力 indeed. but well, she said it was good ok. so, PASSED. (:
after the nice warm hot bath and satisfying meal, my day was good. (:

and so. this yr, i got like a box of personally-made cakes from someone.
really couldn't meet up at all, so he had to resort to leaving it at my home. but mother poon wasn't in, so he had to follow the contingency plan which was to leave it at my house the photoshop downstairs so mother poon can help me pick it up when she's otw home from her marketing.

thank you.
:) nice to have someone giving u personally-made stuff on days like this. but i really felt bad la. :l but thanks for the thought, effort, and friendship. i'm just gonna take it as a nice cake from u k.


keeping.it.simple.







-





valentines day.


really.
i mean yea, for what we have such a special day right when it's really everyday that we love a person whom we truly love.
i mean i can google the origins of 14 feb.. but reading halfway, the story's abit complicated and i give up since there's no point to it anyways.

i guess its just another specific day created for us an opportunity to be nice to a person.
it probably also gives some form of strength, courage, and probably a legitimate reason for anyone to express his feelings to do the things he's never dared to do before. probably also a chance for reconciliation, a platform to put one's ego aside and the list goes on. whatever it is, its just another day to feel special and show appreciation with our loved one.


and of course, not forgetting a time for short-term business opportunities, where one $2 stalk of rose from the market can easily cost $10; one $30 set meal and anyhow market till it's $100 and ppl will still empty their pockets for it. hahas.
and yes, where quiet places are no longer quiet. i rmbr running to ecp once on valentines day and shocked to see the breakwaters filled with couples. like the whole stretch was so filled with couples tt it seemed like an alternating chain of  boy-girl-boy-girl. where's the privacy!  awkward. u should take a stroll down the waters by esplande too. i'm sure, these are hotspots to be selling one stalk of rose for $10.
hahas. ur ROI is 400% can.




to be in a boy-girl relationship.


what's really the definition?
the holding of hands? the moment we say we are in it? the first kiss? the start of going past normal physical boundaries? thinking of each other almost at every min of the day? the commitment? the feeling of ican'tlivewithoutyou? total sense of security for ur future?
what holds? seriously.
what's that clear distinct line?
in the past (probably in light that i grew up normally with a teenager-mind), it was the moment where one starts the confession, the other follows accordingly and soon the holding of hands.
how distinct, literal and clear huh. now, ppl can just start holding hands, throw 'i love you' back and forth like how often we use hashtags, and still say they're just friends. eh, i dun mean like holding hands during orientation games or when situation calls of it la k. u know what i mean.
the daily msges?
-good morning-
-what r u doing now-
-good night-
what does it all mean? do we really care or are they just the official matchstick to start a conversation proper.


as we start to complicate our life further, our relationships with people around us get strained.
its because we simultaneously start to lose our once clear definition and meaning. quite sad actually. coz its no longer as simple as it should be, clouded with many unnecessary doubts.
maybe even for me now, the simple gesture of holding hands is no longer as sacred and special because everyone else is doing it. the world simply dilutes the signification action for affection.
so sad actually.
ya, then we complain.
then we get lost, start using tumblr to stumble upon quotes that quite fit the missing puzzle.
is just like digging our own deep hole, throwing our most favourite item down and complain we can't find it.




ok. anyway. i really dk who is reading this, but i'm just gg to be honest.
really, i thank God for trng today though.
otherwise, i really duno how to face, manage and handle all these.
some guys are really so nice. too nice that i start to doubt that i've got that ability to be nice to them even just as friends. it's a near low self-esteem issue in this sense for me, but instead of fearing that i'm the one to get hurt, i'll be the one hurting them. yea. i feel bad just giving excuses. but 长痛不如短痛 right.

though i've managed large-scale camps, be co-ordinators and facilitators and even spoken to the whole school (with teachers and principals) during a disciplinary open board session with as an exco prefect, i guess i'm still a very typical shy and secretly conservative peranakan girl. though i may be expressive, idk how to express myself at times nor say the best things at times. i do think before i speak, but sometimes the verbal language comes out too fast before the mind is able to withhold it. the damage is done and too bad, now work on mending it. and if deems too exhausting, let it go.
whatever it is, when it comes to bgr, i need to retreat.



in these recent months, its been a cliche roller-coaster journey for me. because of the ups, we have the downs. and just like a roller coaster, the higher u go, the faster u fall. being caught in such a cycle, i have come to conclusion that i'd rather it be on a plain and smooth track. though boring, mundane and meaningless, at least it's safe. safe to mend the broken patches. safe for the time-being. safe for now.
presenting opportunities for happiness just equates it to giving it a reasons to beat that happiness down from that height.
idk if its me growing up or rather, the changes in issues that i'm facing, i'm experiencing moodswings #likei'veneverhadbefore. really. sometimes it shocks me to a point that i start to hate myself for that moment.
it.just.doesn't.make.sense.
that's just humans. we're never really satisfied in the places that we're in. when were in it, we complain. when we're out of it, we pine for it.


was looking at some of my team-mates just now.
not the kind of 'look' that u're thinking of right now. hahahahs.
but as i look at how hard some of them train, how focused and how far they've come, i'm in full admiration and respect. we're all girls. on the outside, some of them wear dainty dresses, pretty nail polish, and carry themselves so well in sleek heels. but on the inside, they're so bloody made of steel. literally bloody when it comes to rugby. see how aggressive they make their tackles, how fast they can run and bring a huge opponent down, how the mud gets into their nails but still never failing to take pretty instragram photos with it. even with a torn ligament, just tape it up and carry on with the game. unlike those soccer boys, just in one light contact and they're down on the ground, having the referee's attention, time stopped and so on. if u looked at the rugby games and even the womens one, if u're down, the game still goes on. usually, and only unless the ref thinks its serious enough to stop the game and time. if not, the medic will just run in with that magical can of coldspray or deepheat. one push of the nozzle, all's good to go.


that's how our emotions should be as well isn't it.
excite it. keep it focused. and when smashed down, just one remedy and we're go to go and complete this race again.

but how often can we find the suitable and effective can of coldspray/deep heat.
how often do we have that self-belief in our capability?



after all these years, really. from the falls and the rises, i realized one thing - keeping it Christ-centred.
i dun mean to be religious here. but if we put ourselves as centre, yes it's gratifying for that moment. once we find it too not-challenging, we move to fighting for others/ for the name/ for the club and so on. then after that, we start to lose the focus because it gets too not-exciting, so we quit and find other things to do. #maslow'shieracrhyofneeds
often than not, we're too focused on the goals that we've set for ourselves that we've forgotten the steps we're taking in the journey. its these wobbily steps that makes our ankles stronger in our pursuit for the distant end. again, cliche but true.






ok. now, how did valentines' day get up to here. HAHHAS.
#girls.
funny how i can write so much, deviate so much and still having the cover letter of my resume as blank. hahas.






ok. time check: 1.45am.
sat, i've got 3 games to play and its alrdy fri tmr! 5 days of no explosive running, tmr i need to do smth.  llooonng wkend of rugby and the Safari-zoo Run on sunday!

CNY 2013

All the busy preparation and stuff... and with a blink of an eye, so fast, in 3 days it's over.

this yr, maybe it's because i'm starting to grow up, i'm starting to value the family more. also maybe partially due to the fact that mother poon went over to the boy's house for a month to take care of him.

took more photos.

and also went to Chinatown on CNY eve! finally a Singaporean.

fri was half day!

and it started pouring the moment we started to leave school.

so went to work for awhile before heading down to punggol for some futsal with some of the classmates and schoolmates. 

hahas. i dun play soccer.. but it was quite a fun recreational time with students from other class. there's werent any girls. ): grace was supposed to come and acc kevin and i, but she didnt! ahhas. i probably malu-ed myself. nonetheless, it was some good short running. and my first time playing cage soccer!

and so, the next day CNY eve.. 

it was a Saturday. so rare that there was nothing on. coz all the trngs/ matches were cancelled. (:

so went marketing with mother poon.

everything was like gone. shengsiong wanted to close at 3pm, so everything was wiped out... prices were slashed till like 6-7 broccolis in a packet cost $2.50?! hahas. prelude to the end of the world, Singapore-style.

NTUC still the best and remained the most controlled.

flowers for dad. chose his fav blue roses. and for a 2nd colour, mum wanted white, but i wanted red coz it was nicer and suited cny anyways. ahhas.

and then it was Prospertiy Double Beef meal at bedok macs with mum. half half. cny indeed. burger tasted better when u share it with another <3 p="" person.="">

ahhahahs. yea. 

and the old collegues got to meet my mum. hahas. and some of the riders still chiong-ing hard before they end the day early for the reunion dinner.

The annual Reunion dinner. mother poon's side always.

we're a very typical chinese 1970s-ish family. singapore-ish. very dialect. super hawkers. no English.

i mean, my uncle's probably 70+ and lived through world war II. the family sold fishball noodles. somewhere at Balastier if i rmbr correctly. they're good and it made it popular and well-known. i dun exactly know the details. to me, when i'm at their house, its always 1960s 1970s mode, feelin' all the brown background/atmosphere and all. ahahhas. when i was younger, it was a regular thing to be at their place on Sundays.

steamboat was goooood.

crabs. prawns. sotong. and even abalone and scallops. dun really like abalone, but atas enough for a mention. ahhahahs. so shiok. rainy + warm steamboat.

after dinner, mother poon, feeling all energetic suggested to go Chinatown for the countdown.

hahahas. took a bus down from bukit ho swee. and managed to reach a good spot by 11:50pm. what a good timing. ahhas. first time in my life, Chinatown on CNY eve. 

epic i tell u.

but it wasn't as crowded as i expected it to be. perhaps Singaporeans are more personal-space-aware.

good to see ppl of different races feelin' all happy and in festive mood.

paid attention to the back-end operations as well. hahahs.
coz we took some short cuts to avoid some congested streets.

walked around.

and as CNY was alrdy ON, ppl were trying to get rid all of their old stocks. especially the goodies.

bro-in-law and i bought 7 phone covers in total. buy 5 get 2 free. 1 for $2. ahhahs. bought an iphone 4 cover that orginally cost $19.90, also duno for what. HAHAHS. i guess i can sell it for $15 online, but its either i do it fast and now before the technology starts moving.

and omg. the sweets. 

i dun like sweets. neither do my family members. but we bought 2 plastic bags full. 1 bag probably weighs about 3kg? idk. ahhas. but its those $5.90 for 250g kind. HAHAHS. omg. so in total, we paid like $10 for 6kg. HAHAHASH. crazy. photo was taken at around 2:30am.

actually we dont need or want them. according to mother poon "just for the fun of it".

yea. and to get to the candies, had to like chiong in. like physically banging ur way in. all the aunties and uncles should join rugby. coz its really like SHOULDERS IN can. 

but it was fun. hahahahas. abit lazy to upload the crazy sg-unglam vids.

so what am i gg to do with the sweets? put them in pantry in sch. ahhas.

and so...

Sunday, CNY day 1.

woke up at 12pm from last night's war. woke up to a thunderstorm.

it RAINNNNED so bad, that plans got cancelled. 

it was just mother poon and i for the visiting... i mean, since my sis got married out, she had her own family in that sense. so in the end, following the family tradition, we just went to the uncle's place again. i think in total, mum got like 6 brothers or smth, some died or smth.. this one is the eldest one... so #1 respect.

(:

and so...

Monday, CNY day 2.

the rest of mother poon's side of the family came over for dinner.
annually, it was mother poon to live in the moment, whipping out all her skill-ed cooking kungfu.

fitting 21 ppl in my 4-room HDB flat. #challengeaccepted.
and with the kids running around, and using up precious floor space for their makeshift kitchen.... i just sat at one corner most of the time. hahas.

this yr was 'simpler' according to her (idk how does cooking curry from scratch sounds simplier)
curry
potato mushoom carrot soup (esp for the kids)
her famous grilled chicked
veg with dried prawns and scallops (i got from hk)
steamed cny fish
her famous fried bee hoon (so famous that ppl in church wanna pay her to cook for them)
yea.

 the legendary CNY fish. always fat and sweet during this season, hence its name.

(:

my fav humble fish, best with blacksauce and porridge.

i rmbr coming home for lunch after morning session in pri sch for this.

those were the simpler days.

CNY day 3, 3rd day waking up purely to when my body decides and not by any alarm or activated bio clock.

same scenario.. RAINNNEDD.
but the visitation must go on. hahas. but we chop chop
so it was mother poon and i to....
. 2nd uncle's place at Eunos Cresent
. chor chor house (fathers side) at Chuan Garden
. 4th uncle (i think) somewhere beside tiong bahru plaza
. then back at 1st uncle's place at bukit ho swee.
hahas i think total cab far could hit over $30.


and so, i couldn't go trng... (it was a must-have trng, coz sat's the game and we've got 2 trngs cancelled alrdy!)
nor kok's house to meet some of the ruggers for cny.






yup. that was my CNY.
and thank God, today no school for my class. spent my time doing up my resume. left with a good write up which idk how to begin with.
since i've started with an engineering industry, ahahs, my command of language has gone down and my writing style has probably changed. not so bold and daring when dealing with official english stuff now. hahahs.



yea. and so 5 days, no running for me. with all the eating.. tmr back at trng... ho ho ho. ahhas.
my start psyching up myself. ahahhas.


this yr, didnt spend much time with my friends.
but it's next 2 wkends are jam-packed with missed our dinner dates!
looking forward to meeting long lost friends man. its been tooo long.



and so, hope this CNY is a 2nd chance for those who hasn't got their new yr resolutions kicked in. as for me, i dun really know whats going on wrt to certain issues, but to end it, it would just ease things out a little. sad yes. painful yes. brutal yes. and of course its at an expense, an opportunity cost.. but sacrifices are inevitable arent they.

well, tmr's Valentines' Day, and i'm glad that it falls on a training day. at least i've got a legitimate excuse for everything.







(: 
keepin' it cool

no #ootd for me

.its CNY day 2 today. 

so fast its gonna be over.

and feb would be gone before u know it.

well, last night, i dreamt that i had a part to play in putting out a carpark fire.

was some how assisting the firefighers as a civilian.

felt good and it was really the kinda stuff that i wanted to do.

how many fires can we put out?

this post is not gonna be about all the :D of CNY though i really have had a good 3 days of catching up with the family time missed. (next post!)

just needa dig out and vomit all the knots out for awhile.

over these few days,

been feeling quite dry and empty. though its the assumed family warmth all around, the rain storm was merciless. on all 3 days.

again, tumblr at its best.

i guess after all, i'm still pretty much a girl with very frail girlish thoughts after all. 

complicated. 

contradictory. 

complex.

so much so that some times, the best action is just no action at all. i mean, no action is an action in itself, but at least it reduces some sort of perceived risk i guess.

though its all peaceful on the outside, it's screaming with its fingernails scratching against the coarse walls on the inside. it's like trying to find an anti-biotic to treat an anti-biotic resistant bacteria inside.

nothing u do can remove the stain. not even the toughest bleach with ur hardest scrub.

feelin' bloody metaphoric now.

i dont seem to learn. to grow. to get out.

i accidentally tie myself up, take a leap, and then complain that i'm breathless.

we pre-empt, not expect, but we dont eventually accept.

the effort. the thought. the planning. the courage.

.

.

.

.

.

.

and then when i finally bop up to start and take a breath, breaking the superficial tension of the water and in hope to salvage anything worth salvaging, it hits me back down. straight down. 

that all too familiar crude practicality. still brutal. still effective.

still misunderstood.

maybe its not worth it after all.

it's like peeling off the soiled plaster, checking to see if the wound under is ok. and instead of changing it to a clean plaster upon realizing that the wound was never healed, u splat some salt on it, and force the old plaster down, rubbing it down hard and forcing it till it stick against ur skin again.

it hurts. and it hurts bad. right straight through.

to a point where u're reminded that ur bone is very much in existence. feeling it. still strong. still solid. and still holding everything up.

stabbed. remove the dagger and stab it back pls. tyvm.

repeat, and do it from the back this time. 

maybe that's how it should be anyway.

well, i asked for it right. that's how it is right.

i should not take any more steps to further complicate it any more.

i've done my damage. received my deserved hurt. 

now, run away like a damaged vandalizing teenager.

. almost retaliated in much self-defense with the classic two-word vulgarity, but its not worth it i keep my cool. it's going to get misinterpreted and misunderstood anyway since i've got a seemingly flamboyant attitude. nothings changed after all these while

life is all about perception and judgement isn't it. so what if its misconceptualized? who cares.

/in the recent movie Ah Boys to Men 2.. the example they gave about country A and country B at war. one fights, the other fights back and it the end, though there's a victor, the outcome is still a sufferable loss on both sides. so the solution: dont do anything.

ok. i retreat.

and i'm going to lock all that's left up coz i'm not letting my remaining flowers get trampled on again.

but how long.

for the last 6 yrs, it had been nothing but drought. and when the rain came along, it came down too hard. so much so that i'm drowning.

i.give.up.

good night.

word

you must be tired,
coz u've been running through my mind.

the quietest persons

has the loudest minds.

keep 

calm 

and 

ruck 

on

stations

3 trngs cancelled in a row.
2 coz of the rain, 1 coz of national trng.
and 2 more trngs to be cancelled for cny and we're trying to salvage one more in before another big game on the following sat.


that's for contact.
for touch, 2 trngs cancelled too, and the season's first game begins on the same saturday.


and as cny approaches, the coaches do get a bit more.... caring. ya. hahas
and so, this email received from my coach..

having bak kwa without the guilt indeed.

and so with today's session cancelled, i had plans to do my own fitness.

wanted to swim during lunch but it looked like it was gonna rain.

and in the evening, the clouds was super threatening. with the trafficcam app, coulds see that the North, South and West areas poured. the East wasn't spared either, but it was only for a short while.

well, i did think of nua-ing my evening away or made it useful my packing my room or doing up my resume.

then i thought of the email. and the feasting days to come. and the games.

how to not train.

as always, the first step is always the hardest. 

i made sure i changed into my trng gears and put my trusty shoes on. and soon enough, i was at bedok stadium. hahas. its like a potential secret hideout for me. its a rare sporting arena that i dont see familiar faces. i rmbr doing fitness there a few times alone there. but the sad thing is that they close at 830pm. 

and so as i was (diligently) carrying out the CNY gift from my coach, i had to stop. left the shuttles. so i went to the carpark to do it. hahahs.

and though the menu looked like a simple short 30min session, it was mother intense can. i checked my phone a few more times to double confirm if the rest time between the intervals was at such coz i was so darn breathless in between the sprints.
bah. all the more, i realize i need to do something about it. apart from all the games, i needa train for the 14k urbanathalon coming up first wk of march! i'm not a long d kinda person, and with all the extra obstacles in it, i hope to train harder so that i the process of completing the race wont be so torturing. hahas.


and so, with that slowly growing drive, tempted to hit the gym after the sprints.
but didn't bring $ out again. good.
so used the free logs and bars outside the gym. and there's a water cooler by the side as well.
jogged back home. money-barred. and climbed 3 sets of 12 storeys of my block.

i rmbr last time when i was a more determined little girl trng for the Swissotel vertical marathon. wanted to win that watch coz it cost $5-10k. top 3. and based on past results, needa hit a timing of at least 11min, 10min to be sure for.... 73 storeys. that breaking it down, i need to complete 12 storeys under 2mins.
in the end, i can't rmbr if i came in 10th, falling short of 1.5mins. can read the post here if u're wondering. hahas.


and so, to make my runs more interesting, i make the collage to rep the run.
not really a run today. more of like circuit trng. was good la. otot.

well.
life's been fairly ok.
classmates, as usual, inconsiderate. and boys.they.bully.girls. even in this era.
i guess i gotta suck it up. coz the ratio of male to female in this engineering industry in singapore is probably like 50:1 or even more.
sigh.


m11 aerodynamics took the very knowledgable young italian to finish it so darn fast (coz he explains it realllyyy well) that e lesson ends before lunch. so from 1-5pm, it's self study. with inconsiderate classmates, u can imagine how hard is it to focus on getting the things done.
this module is in 2 parts- mechnical and avionics. 2 wks each.  the mcq is a killer 100qns and in the last exam, there was only ONE person who... PASSED. out of maybe 20+ / 30 students.
probably more lethal than airlaw.
but at least this is more 'life-ly', make more sense; and the more u study it, the better it gets and easier to soak up in its amazement of how Science can really propel the world forward.






-



mood swings.
still very much in existence.
i've probably got it figured out --- dont figure it out.
just dont dwell upon it. focus on things that better require ur attention.
fill yourself up with things that matter. and do it well. do it good.
sometimes trying to solve a problem by trying to solve the problem may just the problem itself. its not about finding a solution or what anymore but rather, what are ur priorities.


sometimes i feel so mean and hard...
that i start to question my rationale afterwards.

tumblr always has that piece for the aching heart huh.

oh wells.
that being said, idk how to sound this out properly.... but of course, before i do, maybe i would like to justify myself by saying, i hope i'm not generalizing the whole thing! :/


i'm beginning to loose my confidence in platonic friendship between a guy and a girl.
again, when i was a younger and a more focused teen, i felt that i was able to manage all these better. in fact, i started to feel likkapro when ppl start asking me how do i manage to have a reasonably quantifiable number of good guy friends.

as i grow up, idk if its coz of the subconscious external influences that harps on ur thought processes.
u see ur good friends happily getting married, having kids and all now while here i am, trying to study hard and pass a mcq paper.
hahas.


i dont think i've given enough serious thought about my future with regards to starting a family and all coz right now, i guess its just me.rugby.airplanes; and my trusty bike, with God being the centre of it all. its not that i dont see the point, but maybe, reality or the subtle sense of urgency and maturity hasn't really hit me.

in fact, i'm starting to run away.


recently, this guy from another class and i have been talking with each other when we bump into each other, especially when ur studying premise is of a single level with maybe not more than 700sq ft.
(ok, i'm not that good with all the sqft measurements, just so u know. ahhahas. i just anyhow bomb one number with abit of help from google image. ahhahahahhahas #useless)
we've got lots of friends and probably interest in common. but thats about it. period.

but it gets me.

we do get along well. and very normally well. so normal that i start to fear if it goes too well.
and yes, facebook. as always, the source of all evil.
and if my deduction is right, u're with someone.
honestly, it shouldn't really bother me coz we're just friends right. maybe he's like a past me- really being able to manage platonics well. then i start to ask myself, if he has a gf, y does he bother making another girl space friend. then again, i guess i am indeed thinking too much. because really, its perfectly fine to have good friends of the opposite gender even if u're going steady with someone or not.

then at the corner, this' this other guy who's asking me out on valentines day.
he who is really a thoughtful and caring natured guy, would make me such a villain if i should break his heart with one solid strike.


then again, i thought of you. and you.
you know, whenever i see words like 'PCMCIA' 'avionics' 'radio' or even 'nav lights' , i would think of u. not in any other more sense, but just the realization the existence of certain issues that i do have to eventually face one day. ya la, you. ya, and next 2 wk's gonna be all about avionics. ahhas. beat that.
so i guess if u think that i've abandoned u, i've not coz i'm still trying to recalibrate this whole episode.
and i thank God that our paths had to cross for to meet such a good aviation bike friend.

then you.
and more of you you you till it gets no where. and it made me realize that my life is complicated.
not because it is, but its because of how i complicate it / see it as complicated.
and its also a reminder that how easily and brittle may i be hurt. and of course, to try and prevent all the hurt, i start to filter out positively happy opportunities that gives a platform for hurt to crystalize.
complicated me kicks in.
i dun like it.
but its likka fail-safe plan.
and perhaps, i will have to face the dire consequences of it all ultimately.


boys.
tsk tsk.
honestly, quite tired of it. tired of trying to tread on this fine line when on one side, i feel the warm gust of wind blowing. and what evens me on out on this line that's keeping me upright so far is probably the directly opposing force of the cold wind blowing. though upright, i feel the stress. and like on a plane, vibrations causes the stresses and fatigues which causes the cracks eventually. even the super hard and light composite material (some super strong and light material) may not be of the match of nature's force.





so in all, one good solution would be to: let go.
as u might have noticed, it becomes cumulative and might be too much for me to bear. its like trying to carry a haversack that's too big for u and filled with stones. all we need to is to remove the stones, fill it with something useful, tighten the straps and buckles, and we're good to go. out on an adventure.







bah.
running away at its best - i just want to be top student, and be a good knowledge and responsible aviation engineer; along with it, a good rugby player.





till cny!
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
(:
i need this income for the expense.