really?

whokay.


1st wk of school.
alright. one module down.
M01 Mathematics exam today. confident like 100% kind. coz it was just 16 mcq in 20 mins.
but overall, i just felt like... the lecturer is good and interactive. but..... i mean like, (no offence) there's this qns that's on the tutorial, he didn't really know the answer but since it's with always the aiya-wont-come-out-thought, everyone brushed the qns aside. and it really came out in the exam. so all of us stunned. but it mean, its just maths. quite direct and sec sch stuff. but really, i THANK GOD for mr Pang, mrs Sng, Mrs Low and whoever that has drilled in the maths formulas in since pri sch.


teachers do really teach u life long skills and lessons.



(kinda irritated now coz mother poon's LOUD CHEENA 1960'S MUSIC IS BLASTING THROUGH THE DOORS OF HER MASTERBEDROOM. #highpitch)





ANYWAYS
feelin likka heaps and heaps of sorrows on me now.


i think it started on wed.
with the big heavy news from my trusted physio.
and struggling with my feelings.


i really dont know what i'm doing. who i am. where i'm gg.
i realize that i'm always at such state when i'm far from God.
serious.
its not just a christian thing. but i realized that God's really my life. as i'm typing this now, i really feel like crying out loud. probably its the tears carried forward from those that were held back when i was infront of the physio.

btw. what's playing now as i'm typing this now is this...




coz i'm playing for sunday service and we're given a list of songs to look through to improvise or smth. tmr's the practice. been tasked to hit on the electric, but its been a few yrs since i've really worked those strings. the whole Job thing. and now the electric thing. the whole parable of the talents and all. and how apt that this is the first song that i'm clicking to go through. ugh.
yea and to add on, one of the song is "God of Wonders". co-incidentally, it's the first song i've ever played on the electric. really THE first song.


God speaks to me in the most creative ways. very effective and too obvious to not pay attention to it.




one of my friends came back from aussie for hols. so we're at KOP drinking us now.
i think my secret intention of riding my bike down to drink is probably really to protect me and myself.
because i rode down, it was really a valid excuse, or probably something for me to hang on to to NOT use alcohol and drown everything away; and of course, save some $$ now that i'm studying full-time. so while everyone was happily cheers-ing away, all i could was to just look on and fight on that inner struggle. maybe 'struggle' is too intense of a word to describe, but almost there.
well, i did well until the last part. i drank 1 botttle of asahi.
been long since i've drank. though it was just one bottle, i could feel the slight effects. in the past, 3-4 bottles, no problem. but really, thank God for my bike. i love my bike.

i protect her, and she'll protect me. (:





still, the daily msging with you.
u know, i really look forward to receiving ur msges. but each time i realize that i'm having such hopes, all the more i just wanna kill it and suppress it. i dont want to continue on and give u false hopes. i can't do this. i can't be selfish. and each time i'm happy receiving ur smses, with that happiness, it comes with hurt, pain and trickling regret. sometimes most of the time, my fingers are too fast for my heart to pull them back. that's my regret.


its not about you. its about him. ):
if i dont clear up the rope that he's left me hanging with all theses yrs, my heart is really very unwilling, very stubborn, very tight. and honestly, the more i try and evade it, the more i go into delusion, denial, confusion and everything just repeats itself. i can't move with a rope tied so tightly to my ankle like that.

idk if the vibes i'm getting from you is indeed what you are sending, but i really really hope that what i'm sending to you will not get over interpreted. pls dont.
maybe i needa talk to you. my heart probably wants to speak to you and clear up what's unsaid, before you can say anything. i hope i'm not being too sensitive and overly thinking. but i dont want history to repeat itself after losing one relationship, i lose one great friendship and brother.





now whats worse is that, (not that i want to) i react to ppl whom i shouldn't be reacting to.
your heart beats faster, you feel butterflies in you stomach, you've lost the right words that u should be saying................. to girls.
these are, in science, involuntarily reactions. reactions that i cannot control. i dont even know what (heart or brain) governs it anymore. idk why and i dont want to. i dont even know whats the concrete rationale that has brought forth such biological reactions.
and to give more thought to it, i realize that i dont have such feelings towards guys most of the time.


and really, it scares me.



idk what's gg on.
idk what i'm really gg through.
idk who is speaking to me.
idk what's the path presented.
i dun even know what i need / what i'm lacking.




and in conclusion, i just need God to be the captain of my life once again.
rugby has been put to all big full stop to me for now.
and life has been significantly different.



pls, pray for me.


and on a good note, SARA's getting married TOMORROW! (:

RAD

was looking at Royal Academy of Dance website and saw DD! (:

so proud of her.
they dance everyday in sch. and i think more than once in a day.

cool man.

):

i'm so sad i wanna cry.

the physio say i can't do ballet anymore.


i almost broke down, but i counter it by breaking out into laughter.
though i dont think that i'm like super passionate about dance,
19 yrs.

it does have an impact on my life.


mother poon also sad.
i feel very sad.


very

very


very


very



sad.




why.





and nothings even worth it.

last work week

hahas. what can i say.

i wouldn't say its the best job in the world. but i really enjoyed every moment of it. even on days that are shitty with long flights and angsty passengers, it was an experience for me. though there were many ppl tt can make u hate ur job, there are those that say simple one liners that brightens up ur day. (: 

one person i'll be missing much is JY.

hahas.

my T3 buddy. first thing in the morng when we reach the deployment office, we have to call for the deployment office. and always, i'd always be requesting for the both of us to be tgt. ahhahahs. 

and of course, be one of the first few to spent ur 'first few days' as a christian. maybe the one thing i regret a little is spending more time to talk with you about the ups and downs of my christian walk rather than on the not-so-good days in transit area. hahhas.

it'll probably be a long while till i see this beautiful morng sight at T3.

 and of course to the T3 part timers... haris, raymond, hazwan, taha and marni. ahas. (: its been my pleasure working with u guys. and of course, baoyang who's in T1. hahhas.

 (",)

wanna wish all my batch mates to hang in there and peform their best every day yea!

definitely gg to miss all of u guys. hahas. though we're in our respective terminals, i believe the challenges we face may just drain our strength away. but i'll be praying for everyone to find strength to carry out their duties and protect the skies of Singapore.

just a note to hang in there:

If you can't do great things, do small things in a great way.

so it's hello school tmr!

abit excited. but keeping it pro. hahas. 

haven't officially quit from this job though. will try and work on wkends for some $$ and see ppl whom i've missed. (:

(ok. i've finally finished posting all those long and overdued posts in one day)

so tmr, a new phase in my life i guess!

i'm gg to study hard and make the best out of it. must at least aim to be top student since it just 30 ppl. though they may be more equipped with the relevant knowledge and skills, i believe that i can do well if i'm disciplined abt it. hahas. no more playing much!

and just to follow the shadow i the big name of 'new phase', i hope this can give me some strength to forget what is behind and pressing on towards what i am called for. 

one major step which i hope i can do so is to put you behind. 

that you, will not be a form of reason/ strength / chance for me to not be myself, and to look forward. really. i hope this part of my life can change in God's direction.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, with all your might and with all ur strength. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight.

amen to that.

Special Ops Command Day + Underwater World

Special Operations Command Day!

23 June.
(so i couldn't make it for Monsoon Awards Day. )
):

nonetheless...

in support for James and Sg. hahas

really cool. quite amazed by the amount of effort being put into.

and guess who i saw! 

(:

fellow rugger. missed her so much.

and....

childhood neighbourhood friend. hahahahas.

wanted to take another shot with him to recreate the old time photo. but i guess not a good place to do so huh. ahhahas

Underwater and Dolphin Lagoon on FRIDAY

was a last min decision.

all the way just to see Nigel and his dolphins. hahas

and we all discovered that Nigel has got good radio voice. AHHAs. but we're all in disbelief. hahahas. 

hahas. for the friends!

hahas. 

Asian Champs

9-10 June

Asian Champs, Putrajaya.

been 2 wks since i'm back.

to sum it all... 

The wonders of what teamwork can bring you; the best out of you.

Pirates won Women's Open

Superheros won Mixed Open

Monsoon got runners-up for both categories and champs for the Men's Open

the Singapore U-20s played awesome as well.

i think the best displayed was the game between singapore's superheros and aussies' men masters.

i think though it was just over the wkend with abit of fri, everyone had a ball of gd time.

though i wasn't able to play, it was nice to see everyone enjoying themselves over touch.

i went up alone on fri night because of melvin and irene's wedding! (:

and so.

some of the us stayed on to chill out in KL, with Josh being our good host. (: hahas

we stayed at this very very very awesome place.. Reggae Mansion.

oh my, S$15 per night. cheap and too good alrdy! (:

some of the places we went...

Sky Park, lvl 33 at Traders Hotel. 

super fun with lame drinking games that can go on and on and on. hahahas.

Sunway Lagoon.

(:

and for the last day, it was left with us to take the bus back from Times Square. 

we're all from 3 teams, Monsoon, Pirates and Superheros.

hahas. actually most of us were from Pirates like about 3 yrs ago. but nonetheless, everyone really enjoyed the trip! (:

stage 1: jog, CLEARED

i wanna blog abt the KL trip but....

today work had a big commotion.
shallow water shouldn't be mixed with deep water.
dont tread in waters where u dont' know the depths.
that's all for me to say to u.

anyway. last day tmr!! HAHAS. PEACE OUT DUDES.


and oh yes. robert passed his test today! (:
hahas. but damn wasted. looks like we're not able to work tgt ):


gymmed today.


and physio-ed #likkaboss today.
thighs feels like the after trng feeling. been long. i like.
and and and...
then highlight for today (despite all the shit hoohaaas at work today):
I RAN FOR A GOOD 5 MINS ON THE TREADMILL.


what an achievement. finally, after 2months. yea baby.

HFMD

oh my. i've got HFMD.


decided to see the doc right away this morng coz those white little painful dots dont seem familiar or normal. and tadah.. HFMD! hahas. right away i told him that i suspect that i've got hfmd, after touching my hands, he immediately went to the sink to wash his hands for a good 20sec. hahahas. like immediately kind.

right.

so some of the symptoms i've got,
the fever,
the sores in the mouth, on my fingers and foot,
and super tired from doing nothing.

that's about it.

there's suppose to be like loss of appetite and lost of weight.. but it still doesn't seem to be happening to me. ): ahhas
i was hoping that the blisters in my mouth will be painful for me to refrain from putting food into my mouth, but instead, i was happily eating salted cashew nuts this afternoon. though it was painful, i think my heart for food is bigger. ahhas. shit. ahhahahs



actually its all not that bad la.
just that morng when u wake up, u can feel the full blown of ur battered body from... resting. yea.





so now, i should like keep a records of all my injuries and strave myself to save up for consultation fees.
lets see.
- mcl (physio)
- back (chiro)
- ganglion cyst in right wrist (? if the pain persist, might need to get it removed. dont ask me how)
- HFMD

ONGOING YA. not like over the spread of a yr or smth.
really. God ah, when i said 'bring it on', can You not be so literal? hahas. jk la.

but indeed. it has taught me ALOT lessons.
somehow, i feel God trying all ways and means to pull me close to Him. all these 'sickness'... whether it be from Him or from satan in which God did allow it to happen, its probably all for the good of my prayer request of drawing close to him. because really, all things aside, the only basic way for christians to know more about God and understand His heart is through the Bible.

last night when i thought through about this whole tragic month, i really did did some soul searching. 'tragic' might be too harsh of a word, but i think that's what my heart and mind agreed upon.
suddenly, i saw some light (not literal): The story of Job.


not steve job. but Job (pronounced as 'jobe') from the Bible. he had sores on his hands and feet (freaking just like me) because God allowed satan to do so.


i'm not the type of Christian who can just lift off some verse from the bible in reference to the things that's happening around and go like 'amen'. but this one ah, really.
last night, on my humble bed i thought of the sunday sch lessons or morng story tellings from my pri sch, and i thought of the story of Job. hahas. in the dark, reaching out to my Bible was a feat. so i resort to googling 'the parable of Job'. HAHHAS. then ok. i realized, its not a parable at all. it's actually a book by itself. hahahs. (ya, that's my level of knowledge of the Bible, thus further proving the need for God to take some serious action upon my request to 'draw close to Him') it was successful. coz in the end, i used my Bible app on my itouch in the dark.




and so, in the Book of Job, Chapt 2... (so this is what words in the Bible look like in case u guys are wondering)
7 So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and struck Job with loathsome sores from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head. 8 And he took a piece of broken pottery with which to scrape himself while he sat in the ashes. 9 Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die.” 10 But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?”[a] In all this Job did not sin with his lips.



win liao lor. that was just part of it for Job. his suffering continued on man. it doesn't end there.




i think as of now, i'm taking it quite positively.
i try to evade the thoughts of how i'm missing out on game and training times while my other teammates are getting stronger and faster. from the inability to work explosive muscles, i can feel myself getting physically weaker. my left thigh has visibly shrunk. though overall, my bodyweight doesn't reflect that at all; all those tough physical fitness sessions gone down the drain.


maybe its also a warning sign to stop all these and focus on the bigger picture.
or simply, take time out to focus on things and people that i've not chosen over trng priorities.




so.
heing i didn't go church camp and infect all the little kids.
well at least with this hfmd, i'm feeling kiddish now, since its rare for adults and mostly for childern. hahahs.

responsible faith.

just came back from an awesome getaway (in Asian Champs') name last tues night.
(next nicer post on this !)

and ytd, after a 7am - 5pm shift, fell sick. still went for tap. managed to get home safely with a fever of 38.5 popped down 2 panadol + 1 antibiotics tab by mother poon's treasured medicine safe and slept.

till this morng 6.15 when the alarm ring that left my perfect dream in suspense; i had a decision to make- to go to work or not. i've decided it was a good tradeoff with work for rest. one day rest might just mean the safety of all passengers (pls applaud me for my thoughtfulness/responsibility. HAHHAHAS) and also, the ability to work impeccably for the next whole wk. so yes. not gg to work today was not out of laziness, but really with good pure intentions.
quite proud of myself for it.


so yes with a good sleep and beautiful dream, i miraculously got better. seriously. i thought it would be a 3-4 day thing coz i felt the sorethroat, bodyaches and stuff. (from my mission trip experience while scribing for doctors... and i wanna sound #likkapro)  i diagnose myself with  URTI. hahahhas.

yea. adding on to that, i've got a bump on my right wrist. damn pain when in the wrist is in motion. sucks. from google, i think its a ganglion cyst. dammit. my doc friends say it wont go away, unless surgical or duno what axhy__ procedure. lazy to google for the full name of it. but its affecting me in gym and riding my motorbike. can't throttle happily. discovered it when i was on the way back from kl last tue night. according to the wed, no one really knows what causes it, but its liquid from the joints. it usually happens to sports ppl who uses their wrist alot, esp gymnast.

u know, at this point of my life (i know in relation, i should not be complaining about being old), but i'm feeling the full force of it. i'm gg physio for my knee. chiro for my back. and now, this cyst. i'm am NOT gg to go see a doc for this. maybe once. but not like for a period to monitor it or what k.
enough of spending $$ on healthcare.
not only i'm like super broke and poor (because i haven't submit my claim forms to the insurance agent for my physio sessions), i feel like shit having to make countless appointments.


i pray for God's healing.
like seriously. i pray that the cyst will go away.
the main issues now is the playing of guitar and riding of motorbike.
i dun want it to affect my studies / job as a aerospace mechanic/ engineer.... or worst till kill all hopes of still trying to take at least 2 yrs out to be a fireman.

feeling like the servant from the Parable of the talents.
if u dont use ur talents, God will take them away.
amen to that on my guitaring.
):
and i'm pretty sad about it.
the knee. the back. now the wrist.




ANYWAYS. i've deviated from what i wanted to say today.



i wanted to blog about this dream..
and this other person in my life right now. no no. not that kind of 'in my life'.. just friends only la.



last night, i had a freaking good and peaceful dream about you. we're like best friends once again. happily chatting everywhere we go. the background was like at some shopping mall, garden, field, gym, trng area, sa pitch, almost everywhere i frequently go.
it was so darn real. coz there's no ghost chasing us / black man in suit following us or anything.
and whats the best part of it was that in the dream, i was trying to figure of if i was in a dream (since everything was so perfect). and of course, as i constantly try a backfiring action, he just stood there, held my hand and smiled. hahas.
omg. too princessy right. IKR. hahahhahahahhas.
if i could add like translucent clouds and light pink hearts around this part of the post, i freaking would. ahhahhaahahhas.
yea. so that was when the alarm for work rang.
i fell back into slumber, hoping that i could continue on with the dream like who it always would... but it didn't this time. perhaps i have hit my caps for beautiful dreams.


idk why the sudden beautiful dream of u.



and then. just last wk, i was thinking of 'you'. another you.
the one that i was mentioning in the post 'smsing'.
you vs you.
during the trip, there were times i thought of him and then you. hahas (so hard to not disclose the name or at least some coding right. ahhahs. i dooonwant.)

especially those nights when i'm alone or with alcohol with friends; especially this month with 4 weddings to attend, weekly.
opportunities for the emo ghost to flow in. and its not that i want to you know.
in kl, i wanted to msg you. very badly. maybe out of like 8 times, i practiced self-control and only msg u twice in out of the 8 times i think. some of the reasons i gave is coz it was too late and all la.

but the main reason was, i just didn't want to be selfish. i couldn't.
right now, since the other you is very much in me, i can't afford to let another 'you' to stand in that void. i might need to find time to talk to u about the both of you since you u know him ahhahas. idk if u readers are catching my groove with all the 'you's. but whatever. hahahhas.


aiya.
i just need to focus more on God and His works.
i need to tune back to him.
this cyst thing is probably one of the loud signals. the knee wasn't probably loud enough for me to hear. but ok God, i get it.
i thank you, not sarcastically, but really. i mean like when u're injured with certain injuries, u tend to view things in different light, see things from a different perspective, meet different people and take some time out to really look at the big picture and re-route ur life again.



pray for me.
i need it much now. and i dun want to do all this on my own.
at the same time, i dont want to depend on anything and anyone but focus my eyes on God.
getting back is probably difficult, forgetting you is probably the hardest, but i after all the mission trips, i have to believe in Faith.

89 91 92

had this 5 hr long discussion with 2 gd friends, from the Y generation. abt how to improve the company. quite intense. hahas
but according to my deduction, i really think that they think likka X gen.




my brain's really tired.
and my leg's almost dying.
my bank's depleting,
and my time's running.

Sam and Jeffery!

2nd june!

it was my first time being a 姐妹/escort for a wedding. hahas. 

and what's more, sam's and jeffery! known Sam since i was 13 and Jeff since i was 15. hhaahs. 

i was the Capt while she was the vice-Capt of the KC bowling team then. ahhahas. 

everything also throw to me. hahas. lotsa memories. ah. ahhas. 

my doubles partner as well for some of the events even till TP. and after TP, she also studied in SIM but didn't join the team. but by then, i was alrdy graduating.

so oh my 3 schools tgt. KC, TP, SIM. hahas.

for me, i just felt very happy for her for being so blissful in marriage. hahas

:')

ok so. as u can see, the theme is more or less racing. hahas. coz jeffery's gang all race car one. hahas. 

no offence. but instead of racers, they look like the pit stop mechanics. hahas. #Likkaboss

toook some shots at expo. supposed to go seletar to do the photoshoot though. hahas.

i wanna have the group photo of all the zhenged up cars and everyone!

my heels couldn't take it. hahahhas. the heel got caught in the side stand. so after a whole day of running about, the heels disintegrated.

part 2.

MBS. oh my

how huge.

this was the express lift to her hotel on the 54th storey. aahhahahaas. oh my.

it was just like using gravity to pull the whole lift down. actually, gg up was also about the same speed.

and here's the hugeass room. 

everything was just very nice and like in Atas Land.

  

to say that it was breathtaking is just an understatement.

this was found in the room. and this whole thing can be eaten. and i mean the WHOLE THING. its all made from chocolate. its too pretty to sink ur teeth into anywhere.
so i really duno how it tastes like. but the chocolates inside were 'removeabily edible'. ahas

cheryl and i were the recepts for the nite! (:
also my doubles partner. hahas.

and so. below u see is the $49.90 heels that mother poon bought for me. (coz i wasn't willing to spend that kind of money on such shoes and was all ready to wear my old heels that was alrdy destroyed in the morng during the gate crashing) EH. but look how high it is. proud of me? (pls take into credit that i'm still healing from my MCL injury).
i survived the night in it ok. i think if my physio saw how i performed in a dress and such high heels, he would have probably got me discharged as a patient.

this is some of the photos that can be found online. ahhas. more photos in the HD. but abit lazy to search. ahhas.

and lastly, in all, 6 of my friends got married on that day! hahhas
(:

i wish them all a very Happy Married Life as they unfold a whole new chapter in their life. hopefully, they'll have new little ones to join in their happy lives. hahahs.
(:

June is really the time to get married. especially for most teachers. ahhahas